xf- 


SHAMS; 


OR, 


UNCLE  •  BEN'S  •  EXPERIENCE 


\VITH 


HYPOCRITES. 


BENJAMIN   MORGAN, 

OF 

llosganVille,  Blank  County,  N.  Y. 


H.     J.     SraiTM      &     CO., 

.    OHICMGO,    KKNSKS   CITY, 


.    CKL-. 

iSSS. 


COPYRIGHTED   BY 

JOHN  S.  DRAPER, 

.  1887. 


WITH   THE   HOPE  THAT  THE  SAME 

HONEST   SIMPLICITY   THAT   HAS  MARKED    HER  GIRLHOOD 
MAY  ADORN   HER   FUTURE   LIFE,    THIS   WORK   IS 

DEDICATED 

TO   HIS   DAUGHTER 

MABEL, 

BY   THE   AUTHOR. 


2045690 


PREFATORY. 


According  to  the  custom  of  authors  my  story  should  be  intro- 
duced to  the  public  in  some  befitting  manner.  How  best  to  make 
you  acquainted  with  it,  so  as  to  save  time  and  words,  I  know  not, 
unless  I  divide  you  into  two  classes,  viz :  Plain,  honest  'folks,  and 
hypocrites.  The  first  class  have  so  often  formed  the  acquaintance 
of  the  last  that  the  experiences  of  Uncle  Ben  will  no  doubt  call  to 
your  minds  so  many  incidents  of  your  past  life,  sad  and  joyous, 
pathetic  and  laughable,  sublime  and  ridiculous,  that  you  will  be  in- 
terested from  first  to  last,  and  when  you  have  finished  the  story, 
you  will  say,  "  I  am  glad  I  met  Uncle  Ben  Morgan.  I  have  gone 
over  my  past,  and  have  brighter  glimpses  of  the  future ;  I  have 
drawn  lessons. of  value  from  every  chapter."  The  last  class  will 
discover  their  photographs  hanging  on  the  walls,  houses,  barns, 
fences,  telegraph  poles,  Rocky  Mountains'  sides,  in  the  hotels, 
steamboats,  cars,  private  offices,  and  in  the  churches,  and  they  can 
also  trace  their  course  through  life  backward,  whether  with  pleas- 
ure or  remorse  Uncle  Ben  leaves  them  to  decide.  With  the  hope 
that  the  reader  will  not  only  be  amused,  but  profited  by  the  time 
spent  in  "  Uncle  Ben's  Experience  with  the  Hypocrites," 
I  am  yours  truly, 

BENJAMIN  MORGAN. 

P.  S. — Since  writing  this  book  I  have  sat  up  nights  and  Mon- 
days, reading  Webster's  Dictionary  through,  to  correct  the  bad 
spelling.  I  couldn't  find  a  grammar  big  enough  to  do  me  any  good, 
so  I  have  used  everybody's  everyday  grammar. 


CONTENTS.  vii 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER   I. 

PACK. 

Uncle  Ben  Meets  Clarissa  at  the  Gate — His  Attack  of  Inspiration — Clarissa's 
Surprise — He  Overcomes  the  Obstacles,  and  Writes  a  Book il 

CHAPTER  II. 

Planting  Corn  vs.  Inspiration— A  Visit  to  Jim  Teeters — Teeters  buys  her  Butter 
and  Eggs — Teeters  a  Methodist  and  I  a  Baptist  —Clarissa  and  I  Discussing  Betsy's 
Coming  Visit — Forgetfulness — Mary's  Plan 15 

CHAPTER  III. 

Sickness  in  the  Neighborhood — Clarissa  in  Demand- — Nancy's  Carelessness — The 
Doctor's  Timely  Arrival — A  Meeting  in  the  Red  Schoolhouse — Ingersoll's  Hypocritical 
Tirade — Clarissa's  Comments 25 

CHAPTER  IV. 

Betsey  Teeters' Visit— Teeters  as  a  Schemer — Clarissa  on  Teeters — The  Quilting — 
The  Dinner — Woman's  Rights  Question — Clarissa  Settles  it — Sally  Tompkins  indorses 
Teeters'  Remarks — Sarah  Smuggins  in  no  Danger  of  being  Subject 29 

CHAPTER  V. 

The  Qui'ting  Party  Broken  Up — Mary's  Party — Mary's  Organ — Influence  of  Music 
— Melancthon  Stevens'  Musical  Tour — Bascom  Bigler's  Speech  — Sarah  Smuggins  and 
Bigler — The  Party  dissolved  after  an  Announcement  of  a  Literary  Meeting  at  the  Wad- 
dles Corners  Schoolhouse— Clarissa  Talks  in  her  Sleep 39 

CHAPTER  VI. 

The  W'addles  Corners  Meeting — Speech  of  Timothy  Brown — Organizing  a  Lyceum 
— Music — Debate.  Question:  Which  is  the  Most  Beneficial  to  the  People,  Lawyers 
or  Doctors— Decision — A  Spelling  Match — Elder  Jonas  Danberry's  Speech  on  the  Im- 
portance of  Right  Spelling — Julia  Spears'  Essay — Music 50 

CHAPTER  VII. 

Discussing  the    Lyceum — Disappointment   of    Clarissa   and    Benjamin — Jim   and 
Betsey's  Visit — Teeters  buys  the  Hogs — Benjamin  Drives  the  Hogs  to  the  Village  —  Teet- 
1 


Viii  CONTENTS. 

PAGE. 

ers'  Scheme  Discovered—  Benjamin's  loss  $273.78—  Benjamin's  Meditation—  Confession 

to  Clarissa—  Transfer  of  the  Finances  ............................................     63 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

Methodist  Meeting  at  the  Red  Schoolhouse—  Elder  Danberry's  Prayer—  Clarissa  ' 
on  Sin  —  Sermon  by  Presiding  Elder  Jones  —  Relating  their  Experience  —  Clarissa's  Com- 
ments on  the  Sermon  ..........................................................  74 

CHAPTER  IX. 

Lecture  on  Phrenology  at  the  Waddles  Corners  Schoolhouse—  Speech  of  Timothy 
Brown,  introducing  Professor  Theodocius  Leviticus  Feeler  -  The  Professor's  Lecture 

—  Examination  of  Clarissa's  and  Benjamin's  Heads  —  A  Strong  Contrast  —  Examination 
of  George  Waddles'  and  B.   B.   Bigler's   Heads—  A   Strong  Similarity—  The  Phrenolo- 
gist's Dream  ..................................................................     36 

CHAPTER  X. 

A  Visit  to  Jim  Smuggins,  the  Infidel  —  Jim  Wants  to  Examine  Ben's  Head  — 
Ben's  Scorching  Reply  —  The  F^rry  Boat—  Clarissa's  Views  in  Regard  to  -  Man's 
Responsibility  and  Future  Destiny  —  Benjamin  Surprised  and  Smuggins  Astonished 

—  Sarah  Criticises  the  Creator  —  The  Storm  Brewing—  Clarissa  and  Benjamin  go  Home  — 
Ebenezer  and  Mary  in  the  Front  Room  —  Two  is  Company,  More  is"  Not  —  How  Tedious 
and  Tasteless  the   Hours  ............................................  ,  ......      112. 

CHAPTER  XI. 

Zolliver  Ramsdell  and  Nancy  Boyles  Married  —  Ebenezer  and  Mary's  Awkward  Po- 
sition at  the  Wedding  -Bigler  at  the  Republican  Convention—  Defeated—  He  Enters 
the  Democratic  —  is  Nominated  —  Tom  Conners  nominated  for  Assemblyman  by  the  Re- 
publicans against  Bigler—  Hot  Campaign  Work  The  Election  --Bigler  Defeated—  Sick 
and  Disgusted  Bigler  decides  to  go  West—  Benjamin's  Confidence  in  his  Wife—  Ben- 
jamin on  Politics—  Ladies'  Sewing  Society—  Mrs.  Dave  Kirk's  Letter  of  Condolence  to 
Squire  Bigler  .........................  .  ......................................  I24 

CHAPTER  XII. 

George  Waddles  and  Jim  Teeters  Caught  Swindling—  Both  in  Jail—  The  Methodists 
meet  to  Discuss  the  Advisability  of  Expelling  them  from  the  Church—  Disaster  to  the 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

Mrs.  Buzzbee's  Paper  The  Advertisement—  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Morgan  Decide  to  go  to 
California—  They  Start—  Two  Days  in  Syracuse—  Uncle  Ben  at  the  Club  House—  His 
Rebuke  to  the  Mayor  and  Prominent  Citizens  ......................................  I45 

CHAPTER  XIV. 
He  Attends  the  Temperance  Meeting—  He  buys  the  Tickets.  ..................    151 


CONTENTS.  ix 

CHAPTER  XV. 

PAGE. 

Their  First   Night  in   the  Sleeping  Car— They  View  Buffalo  from  the   Depot   in 
Twenty  Minutes — Buys  a  Paper 155 

CHAPTER  XVI. 

The  First  Meal  in  a  Dining  Car — Gets  Acquainted  with  Four  Elegant  Gentlemen, 
Messrs.  Smooth,  Three.  Kard  and  Monte 163 

CHAPTER   XVII. 

They  Teach  Him  how  to  Play  Cards— About  to  Cash  a  $500  Check— Timely  Inter- 
ference of  Clarissa — She  Mends  his  Coat — He  gets  into  a  Crowd  at  the  Cleveland  Depot 
with  his  New  Acquaintances — Goes  into  Dining  Car  for  Supper — When  he  looks  for 
Money  to  Pay  he  Discovers  he  is  Robbed  of  every  Cent,  about  $1,500—  A  Horrible  Night 
in  an  Attic  Berth — The  Panorama — Arrival  in  Chicago , 173 

CHAPTER  XVIII. 

They  take  the  Bus  for  the  Palmer  House— Arrival  at  the  Great  Hotel— Write  their 
names  on  the  Big  Book — Take  a  Balloon  Ride —You  are  still  in  the  Palmer  House — His 
Money  is  Saved — Clarissa  his  Guardian  Angel — Breakfast  in  the  Grand  Dining  Room — 
He  Shows  Clarissa  the  Pretty  Things  with  his  Fork— What's  the  Price  of  hogs,  Clover?— 
How  did  you  know  my  Name? — She  is  a  Dumb  Good  Cook  Anyhow — The  Clerk  Directs 
Clarissa  to  her  Friends — The  News  Boys  on  Corner  of  State  and  Monroe  Streets — A 
Ride  on  the  Cable  Cars— The  Home  of  the  Friendless— Battle  of  Gettysburgh— Doug- 
las Monument-'-Hahnemann  College — Ben  on  Glory — In  Favor  of  Pensioning  the  Sol- 
diers and  Their  Widows — Return  to  Dinner 187 

CHAPTER  XIX. 

After  Dinner  Talk— The  Anarchists— The  Jury — The  Brass  Band— Going  to  the 
Fat  Stock  Show — On  the  Wrong  Road — Bunions  and  Corns  are  Troublesome — Terribly 
Deceived — Relating  his  Experience  in  the  Palmer  House  Office — Meets  the  Tribune  Re- 
porter— Advice  to  the  Town  Tattler— Clover  is  a  little  too  Dusty  to  Chaw — Palmer 
House  Lobby  in  the  Evening — The  Abraham,  Solomon  and  Isaac's  Combination  Troop 
— The  Evening  on  the  Balcony 206 

CHAPTER    XX. 

Uncle  Ben  and  Clarissa  call  on  Mayor  Harrison — His  Pleasant  Reception — The 
Tribune's  Notice  of  their  Arrival  in  the  City — The  Mayor  on  Reporters — Their  Depart- 
ure— Uncle  Ben  Dumped  into  a  Peanut  Cart  on  the  Sidewalk — A  Visit  to  the  Dime 
Museum — Dante's  Inferno — The  Dinner — Mrs.  Langtry  the  Recipient  of  Small  Bouquets 
— Clarissa  receives  Big  Bouquets  from  Big  Men — The  Comparison — Clarissa  Receives 
Several  Letters  of  Invitation — Benjamin  Receives  a  Letter  from  Kohl  &  Middleton 
with  a  View  to  Business — His  Reply 215 

CHAPTER  XXI. 

They  go  to  Mr.  Harrison's  House — Interesting  Talk  of  the  Mayor — The  Prosperity 
of  Chicago  under  his  Reign — A  Martyr  to  the  People — At  the  Theater — Uncle  Ben 
Getting  on  to  the  Stage  to  Whip  the  Villain 227 


CONTENTS. 
CHAPTER   XXII. 


PACK 


Sunday  Morning  in  a  Strange  Room— He  Wonders  if  They  will  care  if  He  gets  into 
that  Coffin— His  first  Experience  in  a  Bath-Tub— They  go  to  the  Central  Music  Hall  to 
Hear  Professor  Swing  — The  Grand  Organ  — The  Eloquent  Sermon— The  Value  of  , 
Such  Men  as  Professor  Swing  in  a  Community— The  Mayor  might  be  Improved  by 
Listening  to  them  Frequently— At  the  Mayor's  House  —  Another  Visit  from  a  Reporter 
—Bridget  at  the  Door—"  I'll  Ax  the  Boss  if  the  Morginses  be  in"  — Clarissa  Receives 
the  Reporter  in  the  Library  and  gives  him  a  Just  Rebuke  -  Harrison  has  Callers,  Dan 
Wren  and  Van  Pelt  -"  Coming  Events  Cast  their  Shadows  Away  in  Front  of  Them."  -  233 

CHAPTER   XXIII. 

A  Ride  in  the  City  — A  Visit  to  Mr.  Rosster's— At  the  Opera  in  the  Evening  — 
Librettos  and  Spy-glasses  Confuse  Uncle  Ben  — He  goes  on  the  Board  of  Trade- 
Thought  there  was  Going  to  be  a  Fight— The  Game— The  Shearers  and  the  Lambs— 
Who  Builds  the  Magnificent  Buildings  and  Feeds  the  Pockets  of  the  Rich  Operators  ?  - 
The  Unsophisticated  Lambs— A  Letter  from  Honest  Abe— A  Letter  from  Mary— 
Ebenezer's  Poetry 244 

CHAPTER   XXIV. 

Clarissa's  Surprise  at  Mary's  Request— Ebenezer  Touched  her  Soft  Spot  with  his 
Poetry—Clarissa  Sends  $50  to  buy  Stockings  with— Clarissa's  Letter— Clarissa  Buys 
a  new  Dress  Cheap— It  Creates  Gossip  in  the  Dining-Room— The  Hypocrites  get  a 
Scoring  from  Clarissa — Discovers  a  True  Woman — A  Visit  from  John  Wentworth — 
His  Graphic  Description  of  the  Growth  of  Chicago— A  Trip  Around  the  World  in 
Eighty  Days 255. 

CHAPTER    XXV. 

A  Call  on  Mr.  Harrison  — He  Gives  Clarissa  a  Book  —  Good-Bye  to  Chicago — 
On  Board  the  Cars  on  the  C.  &  N.  W.  Ry.— Delayed  at  Boone  by  an  Accident— New 
Methods  of  Hotel  Advertising — Omaha  Passengers  in  the  Sleeper — Omaha's  Marvelous 
Boom — Colonel  Sellers  going  to  Invest  Heavily — The  Man  that  Couldn't  Lie  -Arrive  in 
Denver— At  the  St.  James— Uncle  Ben  Receives  a  Fall— It  was  Squire  Bigler — His 
Big  Schemes — Uncle  Ben  Knew  him  as  well  as  Though  he  had  Made  Him — Wasn't  Born 
under  the  Scheming  Star 266- 

CHAPTER   XXVI. 

A  Carriage  Ride  in  Denver — Visits  the  Great  Reduction  Works — Gets  Acquainted 
with  Professor  Hill— King  Pharb  in  Denver— A  Good  Thing  for  Moses  that  He  was 
Hid — Squire  Bigler  Takes  them  to  see  the  Three-eyed  Richard  in  the  Evening — Won- 
derful Chances  to  make  a  Fortune— Declines  being  made  Rich  on  Short  Notice— Money, 
Money,  Money,  the  Absorbing  Idea — A  Trip  through  Clear  Creek  Canyon — The  Idaho 
Springs  Bath— Colorado  is  a  High  State  -  Clarissa  Gets  High  Notions— A  Visit  to  the 
Garden  of  the  Gods — Clarissa  Engraves  her  Cla  on  the  Balanced  Rock  and  Receives  a 
Sudden  Fall— Ambition  Ruined— Surrounded  by  a  Doctor  and  Medicine — Departure 
from  Colorado 279 


CONTENTS.  xj 

CHAPTER    XXVII. 

PAGE. 

Once  More  on  the  Main  Line  —  The  Skulls — The  Highest  Railroad  Point — 
.Sleeping  Car  Incidents— Drummers  and  Newspaper  Man— Tall  Stories— The  News- 
paper man  Takes  the  Dutch  Oven— Dinner  at  a  Station  Compared  with  a  Dining  Car 
— First  Railroading  in  America  —Peter  Cooper  Lost  the  Race — They  were  Bound  for 
Honolulu — The  Sea  Captain  After  Whales — "We  was  Barren  of  Interesting  Exper- 
iences"—Ben's  Dream— Green  River— 150  Miles  of  Railroad  Stealing— Trout  Dinner 
Served  by  the  Heathen — "  Me  No  Savee  Melican  Mannee" — Arrival  at  Ogden 287 

CHAPTER    XXVIII. 

Ten  Days  among  the  Mormons — Close  Prbximity  of  the  Headquarters  of  the  Saints 
to  the  Sulphur  Works  Below—  Salt  Lake  City,  the  Mecca  of  the  Saints  —  Interview 
with  Brigham  Young,  Jr.— A  Visit  to  the  Tabernacle— The  Z.  C.  M.  I.  Store,  a  marvel 
of  System  and  Neatness — An  Evening  with  the  Irish  Bishop — An  Exposition  of  the 
true  Inwardness  of  Mormonism — Relationship  is  a  Riddle — Human  Love 297 

CHAPTER    XXIX. 

On  Board  the  C.  P.  Railroad — Disposition  to  Exaggerate — Commercial  Travelers 
Noted— It  is  Catching— All  Classes  liable  to  an  Attack  of  it— A  Night  in  Carson  City— 
A  Night  in  Virginia  City— Wonderful  Stories— A  Dream  that  Hits  the  Case— Results 
of  a  Restless  Night — He  Ate  too  many  Pancakes 313 

CHAPTER    XXX. 

On  Our  Last  Stretch — Truckee — Mountain  Scenery — A  Pleasing  Change  from 
Winter  to  Spring — Passengers  in  a  California  Train — Tower  of  Babel- — The  Lacking 
Ingredient,  Sarah  Smuggins — The  Largest  Ferry  boat  in  the  World — Arrival  in  Oak- 
land— Crossing  the  Bay — The  City  of  One  Hundred  Hills— They  Pillow  their  Heads  in 
the  Baldwin 322 

CHAPTER    XXXI. 

Awake  in  San  Francisco — Slander  in  the  Breakfast  Room — The  Important  Hotel 
Clerk  with  Bosom  Pin  that  is  a  Stunner— The  Proprietor  Directs  Them — They  Call  at 
the  Office  of  Dodgem,  Skipem  &  Oppenheimer — Dodger  Dodged  -  Skipem  skipped 
—  Oppenheimer  Sailed  for  Europe — The  Jew  Caught — $200  Saved — Signing  a  Re-  '• 
ceipt — Return  to  the  Baldwin- — Letters  from  Mary  and  Abe  —  Something  Wrong  at 
Home— San  Francisco  —  The  Persecuted  Heathen  in  California  —  Don't  waste  your 
Brine  for  them — Advice  to  them  as  wants  to  Marry 32° 

CHAPTER    XXXII. 

On  their  Way  to  Los  Angeles  —  The  Big  Trees  —  A  Horse  Railroad  around  One 
of  Them — Native  Passengers  on  the  Train — Orange  Groves — Fond  of  Gossip — Lying 
an  Essential  Qualification — Arrival  in  Los  Angeles — Sunset  in  California  —  Angels 
without  Wings — The  Spaniards  made  a  Mistake — Angfels  Froze  out — A  Beauty  Spot — 
St.  Paul's  Advice  to  Timothy  in  Full  Force  for  the  Benefit  of  Hypocrites 338 


XH  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  XXXIII. 

PAGF. 

Departure  from  Los  Angeles— Uncle  Ben  and  Clarissa  take  a  Stateroom  and  are  re- 
garded as  Millionaires  by  the  Porter — Mistaken  for  Spreckles — Clarissa  interviewed  by 
World's  Reporter — The  Sham  Appearance  Commands  the  Sham  Respect  of  the  Shams — 
Clarissa  takes  her  Taffy— Prince  Kingokangokoko  and  other  Distinguished  Passengers- 
Stuck  on  Antique — Mexican  Farmer — Adobe 34' 

CHAPTER  XXXIV. 

Change  of  Scenery— The  Oldest  City  in  America— Santa  Fe,  the  City  of  Holy 
Faith — The  Hotel — Dinner — Cannibalism — Mr.  Juan  Fernandez  Maracillo  Romeo  Mar- 
tinezo.  Our  Guide,  who  had  Resided  there  117  Years|  takes  them  through  the  City — 
Fort  Marcy— Bird'seye  View  of  the  Town — History  of  Santa  Fe  — Possessed  of  a 
Chicago  Appetite — Bishop  Lamy's  Garden — The  Plaza  Palacio-del-Gobernador — Lew 
•Wallace  and  Ben  Hur — Old  San  Miguel — Las  Vegas — Phoenix  Hotel — Clarissa's  Dream 
— "  We  have  Got  Las  Vegas  and  Gallinas  River  on  our  Farm  " — Kansas  City — Omaha 
Outdone— A  Typical  Real  Estate  Agent— A  New  Way  to  Sell  Lots— Uncle  Ben  gets 
Dizzy— The  Tallest  Liar  of  the  West 358 

CHAPTER  XXXV. 

Arrival  in  St.  Louis— Hands  Off— At  the  Southern— Meeting  the  Mayor— They  take 
a  Ride  over  the  City  with  the  Mayor— Shaw's  Garden— The  Bridge— Uncle  Ben  Makes  a 
Suggestion  to  the  Mayor  for  the  Benefit  of  St.  Louis -Carter  Harrison  to  be  Consulted.  386 

CHAPTER  XXXVI. 

Arrival  in  Chicago— Everything  on  the  Move  —  The  Tribune  Reporter  with  his 
Gimlet  Lights  Down  on  Uncle  Ben,  but  is  Rebuffed— A  Call  at  the  Mayor's  Office  — 
Surprised— They  Call  On  McDonald  —  Harrison  not  Elected— The  Cranks  Run  the 
City  — After  the  Boodlers— Calling  on  Mr.  Harrison  —  The  Great  Man's  Sorrow  for 
the  City — Clarissa  Cries  with  one  Eye 300 

CHAPTER  XXXVII. 

Farewell  to  Chicago— At  Buzzbee's  Reformation  a  Dangerous  Disease  —  Ben- 
jamin has  Improved  -The  Trip  Worth  All  it  Costs— Pardoned  by  the  Mayor  of  Syra- 
cuse—Arrival at  the  Village— Met  by  old  Neighbors  and  a  Brass  Band  —  Escorted  to 
Ebenezer's  Store— Cigars  for  the  Crowd— Squire  Bigler's  Cattle  Scheme— An  Hour  in 
the  Bank— Waddles'  Forgeries— Uncle  Ben's  Note  for  $2,000— They  Got  the  Drop 
on  Him  — Conners  turn  the  Tables  and  Uncle  Ben  gets  the  Last  Drop  on  them— The 
Old-Fashioned  Home 4OO 


ILLUSTRATIONS   FOR   SHAMS. 


ILLUSTRATIONS   FOR   "  SHAMS." 


PAGE. 

UNCLE  BEN Frontispiece. 

•PRETTIER  THAN  THE  HONEYSUCKLES." . .       1 1 

UNCLE  BEN  AND  CLARISSA  IN  TEETERS'  STORE 17 

'  I  FORGOT  ALL  A  BOUT  IT." 22 

WE  SAW  THE  LIGHT  FROM  TOWZER  HILL 24 

DR.  DICKEY  EXTRACTING  THE  HAIR  PIN 2h 

TEETKRS'  FIGURING  How  MUCH  HE  COULD  MAKE  ON  THE  HOGS 31 

CHOIR  AT  THE  HUDDLE , 33 

THEY  PLAYED  ALL  KINDS  OF  PLAYS 40 

ZOLLIVER  RAMSDELL  AND  NANCY  BOYLES  SPARKING 47 

DOCTOR'S  OFFICE 53 

BUZZARDS  AND  CARCASS. . .     55 

A  "GARDEN  ANGEL." 57 

READING  THE  ESSAY 62 

HE   KICKED  POOR   FIDO 64 

TEETERS  TALKS  OVER  THE  HOG  BUSINESS  IN  THE  BARN 69 

DRIVING  THE  PESKY  BRUTES  BY  THE  TAVERN 71 

ELDER  DANBERRY 75 

PRESIDING  ELDER  JONES 77 

1  HE   COLLECTION 82 

HEADS 87 

SOCRATES  AND  YOUNG  AMERICA  .*.. 91 

You  FORGET  THAT  I  HAVE  GOT  YOUR  KEYS  HERE  97 

HE  WAS  GOING  TO  FIGHT  THE  PROFESSOR 103 

SIZING  UP  THE  STEERS 107 

THE  PHRENOLOGIST'S  DREAM 109 

CAPTAIN  OF  THE  FERRY  BOAT 113 

SARAH  SMUGGINS  WHEN  A  GIRL 119 

WATCHING  MARY  AND  EBENEZER  121 

KISSING  THE   BRIDE 126 

BIGLER  STARTS  FOR  CHICAGO 131 

LETTER  OF  CONDOLENCE 134 

WADDLES  FAINTED;  THEY  DOUSED  HIM  WITH  COLD  WATER 139 

REFUSING  TO  Go  ON  TEETERS'  BAIL 141 


xiv  ILLUSTRATIONS   FOR   SHAMS. 

PAGE. 

EXCURSION  TRAIN X45 

ARRIVAL  AT  DEPOT  in  SYRACUSE '47' 

BUYING  TICKETS  IN  SYRACUSE I51 

"HE  BROUGHT  His  FOOT  DOWN  ON  BUZBEE'S  CORNFIELD  ".   "53 

UNCLE  BEN  GOES  UP  CHAMBER  TO  BED •   ......  J57 

"MISTER,  WON'T  You  BUY  A  MORNING  PAPER?" *59 

"BREAKFAST  is  Now  READY  IN  THE  DINING  CAR  FORWARD." *62 

THE  OLD  INQUISITOR • l™ 

THE  "HAND  OF  PROVIDENCE." « '7° 

"SHE  ACTED  VERY  COLD,  ALMOST  FRIGID." T74 

"BENJAMIN  MORGAN,  WHAT  ARE  You  DOING  HERE?" I76 

•'I  DIDN'T  WAIT  TO  HITCH  UP  T'OTHER  CALLUS" *78 

"ALL  ABOARD." :8° 

"NOT  A  SIGN  OF  EITHER  POCKETBOOK.".     lj*3 

"BENJAMIN,  WHAT  is  THE  MATTER  WITH  You?" • »88 

PALMER  HOUSE J92 

"I  SAW  ONE  OF  THOSE  THINGS  DRESSED  IN  UNIFORMITY." *97 

"WE  TOOK  A  BIG  RIDE  FOR  FIVE  CENTS  APIECE." *99 

BATTLE  OF  GETTYSBURG 201 

"WHILE  I  WAS  RESTING,  CLARISSA  WAS  READING  TO  ME.". 206 

"WE  WILL  JUST  FOLLOW  UP  THIS  BRASS  BAND." 2o8 

THE  TRIBUNE  REPORTER 211 

'•ABRAHAM,  SOLOMON  AND  ISAAC'S  COMBINATION." 213 

CARTER'S  PRIVATE  OFFICE 2I9 

"LooK  HERE,  You  DUMB  SASSY  SCAMP" 221 

'•CLARISSA  WAS  DUMBFOUNDED!" --3 

••Is  IT  A  NIGH  RELATIVE  You  HAVE  LOST?". 227 

"1  WAS  JUST  STEPPING  OVER  THE  BALUSTRADE," 231 

"ONE  RUN  COLD,  T'OTHER  RUN  HOT 233 

CARTER  CROSSING  THE  DESERT 237 

"READY  AND  ANXIOUS  TO  BORE    A    HOLE." 24! 

"WE  WENT  TO  MR.  LINCOLN'S  PARK." 245 

"SOMETIMES  THEY'LL  SHAKE  ONE  FINGER  AND  SOMETIMES  Two." 249 

EBENEZER  PLUNKET 251 

MARY 253 

CLARISSA'S  QUEEN  ANN  DRESS 257 

"BECAUSE    IT'S   THE    ONLY    BUILDING    I     KNOW   OF    IN   THE    ClTY     THAT    HAIN'T 

GOT  A  MORTGAGE  ON  IT." 261 

UI  HOLLERED,  'SQUIRE  BIGLER.'' 264 

WELLS  HOUSE 269 

"UNLESS  HE  is  IN  THE  LIQUOR  BUSINESS,  THEN  HE  CUSSES  IT." 271 

OMAHA  WITH  COLONEL  SELLERS'  ADDITION 273 

THE  FELLOW  THAT  COULDN'T  HE 274 

"UNCLE  BEN,  How  ARE  You?" 277 

"GET  IN  BACK  OF  ME,  You  GOLDEN  TEMPTER." 281 

"SHE  WISHED  SHE  COULD  GET  UP  HIGHER." 285 


ILLUSTRATIONS   FOR   SHAMS.  XV 

PAGE. 

•"A  DOLLAR,  IF  You  PLEASE."  290 

STRANGE   VISIONS •. 293 

BRIGHAM  YOUNG,  JR.,  TELLS  Us  TERRIBLE  THINGS 301 

POLYGAMOUS  MORMON 3<8 

"HOLINESS  UNTO  THE  LORD." 310 

SANDY  BOWERS,  AN  UNEDUCATED  IRISHMAN 314 

SANDY  BOWERS  AFTER  HE  GOT'  His  WEALTH 315 

DOING  CHORES  AT  4  O'CLOCK  IN  THE  MORNING. 318 

THE  GRAND  MASTER  OF  THE  FIREWORKS 319 

A  REGULAR  OLD  '4QER 323 

SAN  FRANCISCO  IN  THE  EVENING 325 

MOSES  OPPENHEIMER ....  329 

"You  VAS  PROKE  Us  ALL  UP  ix  PEEZNESS  " 331 

JACK   RABBIT 337 

THE  DEAD  GIANT 339 

"A  LITTLE  FOR  THY   STOMACH'S   SAKE." 343 

A  STREET  SCENE  IN  Los  ANGELES ...  347 

•GREASER  PLOWING , 356 

SCENE  ON  THE  A.  T.  &  S.  F.  R.  R 359 

MR.  JUAN  FERNANDEZ-MARACILLO-ROMEO-MARTINEZO. 363 

HEAD  WATERS  OF  THE  Rio  GRANDE 365 

PALACIO  DEL  GOBERNADOR 373 

BLOWING  OUT  THE  ELECTRIC   LIGHT 375 

SINKING  A  SHAFT  FOR  BLOOD '. , 391 

POINTING  OUT  WITH  MY  FORK  THE  MOST  INTERESTING  POINTS 393 

"NOTHING  STRONGER  THAN  LEMONADE  AND  CIGARS." '. 402 

BIGLER  MAKES  A  SPEECH 404 

SARAH  SMUGGINS , 409 


CHAPTER  I. 


1 1 E  showers  of  April  had  cleared 
away  and  brought  in  a  lovely 
May,  with  peace  and  green  grass 
spread  all  around.     The  sweet 
scent  of  apple  blows  was  floating 
through  the  air,  inspiring  new- 
life  and   new  ambition.     I   was 
getting  tired  of  the  hard  work 
that    had    ever     been    my    lot 
through  life  thus  far.     I  had  fin- 
ished the  chores  and  was  going 
into    the    house   for    breakfast, 
when  I  met  Clarissa  at  the  gate 
with  a  pail  of  fresh  water  she 
had  just  brought  from  the  spring 
down   at   the   foot  of    the   hill. 
(Clarissa  is  my  wife,  and  one  of 
the  smartest  and  best  wives  ever 
married  to  a  ignorant  but  honest  man.)     Says  she, 
"  Ben,  breakfast  is  all  ready  and  steaming  hot." 
As  she  looked  up  through  her  specs,  her   face  as   clean   and 
pretty  as  a  brand-new  silver  dollar,  I   could  not  help  kissing  her 
right  there.     I  don't  know  what  made  me  do  it,  but  there  was  some- 
thing in  the  air  that  seemed  to  make  me  feel  young  and  keen-like, 
and  I  thought  Clarissa  looked  a  heap  prettier  with  her  clean  calico 
dress  and  white  apron  on  than  the  morning-glories  that  were  creep- 


I2  SHAMS;  OR,  UNCLE  BEN'S 

ing  up  beside  the  front  door.  After  we  had  set  down  to  breakfast, 
either  the  smell  of  the  hot  biscuits  and  fresh  coffee,  and  the  fragrant 
breeze  that  came  in  through  the  open  window  next  to  the  orchard, 
or  something  else,  seemed  all  of  a  sudden  to  inspire  me,  and  I  spoke 
up  in  more  of  a  man-like  manner  than  usual  (for  usually  I  am  quite 
calm  and  meek-like ;  so  much  so,  that  folks  don't  think  I  know 
much),  and  said, 

"  Clarissa,  Clarissa  !"     Says  she, 

"What!  Ben,  have  you  got  a  colic?"  ,  I  suppose  my^  strange 
look  caused  her  alarm.  I  replied  : 

"  No,  I  haven't  got  the  colic,  nor  anything  else  that  is  catching, 
unless  being  a  author  is  catching.  I  am  going  to  surprise  you." 
Says  she, 

"Are  you  going  to  buy  me  a  new  dress?" 

"  Well,"  says  I,  •"  that  would  be  surprising,  but  that  ain't  it ; 
I'm  going  to  write  a  book."  Clarissa  dropped  her  cup  of  coffee  on 
her  clean  table-cloth,  she  was  so  astonished,  and  exclaimed, 

"  Benjamin  Morgan  !  have  you  gone  crazy?"     Says  I, 

"  T  don't  know  but  I  have;  they  say  when  a  fellow  is  a  little  off 
he  will  generally,  and  more  or  less  frequently,  turn  out  to  be  an 
author." 

"Well,  if  ever  I'd  thought  that  of  you!  Who  do  you  think 
will  be  fool  enough  to  read  your  book  if  you  write  one?"  she  asked. 
Says  I : 

"  I  don't  know,  but  one  thing  I  do  know,  that  if  all  the  fools  in 
the  world  will  read  my  book,  it  will  be  read  more  than  any  other 
book  that  was  ever  printed." 

''  Well,  Benjamin,  what  on  earth  ever  made  you  get  the  idea 
into  your  head  of  writing  a  book?"  she  said,  to  which  I  replied, 

"  I  guess  I'd  caught  an  inspiration."     Says  she, 

•"  More  likely  you've  caught  a  cold  ;  this  is  just  the  kind  of 
weather  for  that."  Says  I, 

"  It's  nothing  of  the  sort ;  I'm  in  dead  earnest.     I'm  going  to 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  13 

write  a  book.  I  know  I  haven't  got  any  education  worth  speaking 
about,  but  I  have  paid  close  attention  to  what  few  folks  I  have  seen 
in  this  world,  and  I  know  that  a  good  share  of  them  seem  to  be  one 
thing,  and  really  are  another;  and  I  can  see  it  just  as  plain  as  if  I'd 
been  born  in  a  Yale  or  cradled  in  a  Oxford.  And  if  I  can't  write 
as  pretty  words  or  spell  them  as  correctly  as  some  of  these  great 
writers,  I  can  unmask  some  of  the  hypocrisy  practiced  every  day 
around  us,  and  give  a  hint,  at  least,  to  some  of  the  rising  generations, 
as  well  as  to  them  that's  already  rose,  how  to  detect  the  false  from 
the  true;  and  if  I  can  even  get,  as  you  say,  Clarissa,  the  fools  to 
read  it,  1  will  be  satisfied,  for  I  shall  then  think  that  a  service  ren- 
dered to  them  as  is  called  fools,  that  will  enable  them  to  see  the  de- 
ceitful mask  of  cunning  and  unscrupulous  persons,  and  help  them 
to  avoid  danger,  will  be  of  some  value.  So  I  have  concluded,  and 
my  mind  is  set  on  it,  to  write  a  book  on  my  experience  with 
hypocrites." 

Clarissa  was  silent  for  a  few  minutes,  and  then  said : 

"  Benjamin,  hadn't  you  better  finish  planting  that  four-acre 
corn-field  before  you  write  your  book  ?" 

That  is  just  like  a  woman,  says  I  to  myself.  Just  let  a  man 
get  an  inspiring  spell  onto  him,  and  think  he  is  going  to  do  some- 
thing for  his  fellow  man,  and  perhaps  raise  himself  onto  a  high 
eminence,  and  his  wife,  or  some  one  else,  will  remind  him  of  his 
duty  to  his  family,  and  call  his  special  attention  to  some  work  that 
has  got  to  be  done. 

"  Yes,  Clarissa,"  said  I,  "  I  know  I  have  got  to  plant  that  corn, 
and  I'll  do  it  to-day;  but  that  ain't  going  to  stop  me  writing  the 
book.  I  suppose  that  everybody  that  has  wrote  a  book,  or  preached 
a  sermon,  or  gone  to  Congress,  has  had  to  overcome  obstacles.  If 
the  Almighty  hasn't  given  a  man  brains  enough  to  overcome  obsta- 
cles in  order  to  rise  in  the  world  and  accomplish  some  good,  he 
never  intended  him  to  rise.  All  men  wasn't  created  to  rise,  as  that  plan 
would  keep  everything  unsettled;  everybody  would  be  rising;  but 


14  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BENS 

the  Almighty  designed  it  otherwise,  and  when  he  sees  fit  to  touch  a 
human  soul  with  the  finger  of  inspiration,  and  bid  him  tell  the  people 
something,  he  also  gives  him  courage  and  power  to  overcome  all 
obstacles,  which  are  purposely  put  in  his  way  to  strengthen  him. 
So,  Clarissa,  I'll  get  around  that  corn-field  by  just  planting  it,  and  at 
the  same  time  I'll  try  to  think  up  something." 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  15 


CHAPTER  II. 

PLANTING  corn  in  old  Blank  County,  New  York,  has  a  tendency 
to  paralyze  any  inspiration  one  may  have  to  be  an  author.  The 
pesky  stones  and  old  stumps  drives  all  poetry  out  of  a  soul  that 
has  to  plow  among  'em,  or  plant  corn  and  carry  a  hoeful  of  dirt  two 
or  three  feet  to  cover  it.  A  person  may  arise  with  the  bright,  radiant 
sun  in  the  morning,  his  soul  tilled  with  love  for  nature,  his  heart 
happy  and  in  accord  with  all  pleasant  thoughts  and  inspirations,  and 
a  determination  to  write  something  that  will  startle  the  world.  But 
alter  he  has  got  his  planting  done,  and  he  comes  to  the  house  at  sun- 
down, with  scarcely  strength  enough  to  pull  his  feet  after  him,  and 
then  have  to  milk  ten  cows  and  do  the  rest  of  his  chores,  he  will  find 
his  morning  inspiration  has  taken  wings  and  flown,  and  he  feels  more 
like  saying  "  Dumb  it  "than  anything  else.  Most  persons  would 
give  up  the  author  idea  ;  but  Uncle  Ben  Morgan  ain't  going  to  give 
it  up  for  any  trifles  of  that  kind,  for  he  has  got  it  on  his  mind  to 
show  up  some  of  the  mean  folks  in  this  world,  and  if  he  should  fail 
to  make  the  attempt  he  would  be  haunted  by  a  nightmare,  and  that 
is  the  worst  kind  of  a  haunt.  So  I  have  concluded  to  make  a  note 
now  and  then  on  things  I  have  seen  in  the  past,  or  may  come  across 
in  the  future. 

I'd  got  that  corn  planting  business  off  my  mind,  and  took  Clar- 
issa down  to  the  village  to  do  some  trading.  She  is  a  very  domestic 
body,  but  powerful  smart.  She  keeps  house  in  perfect  order,  and 
has  time  to  read  an  awful  sight  besides.  She  hadn't  been  down  to 
the  village  for  three  months,  and  she  had  considerable  trading  to  do 
and  quite  a  lot  of  butter  and  eggs  to  sell.  The  first  place,  we  went 


!6  SHAMS,  OR,    UNCLE    BEN'S 

into  was  Jim  Teeters'  new  grocery-store.  Jim  Teeters  came  frflm 
Connecticut,  and  was  a  regular  Yankee.  He  married  Betsey  Coon- 
she  and  1  used  to  go  to  school  together,  twenty-five  years  ago— but 
she  went  back  East  to  live  twenty  years  ago,  and  I  hadn't  seen  her 
since  then.  He  opened  a  big  grocery-store  about  two  months  ago, 
and  done  lots  ot  advertising  in  the  Village  Blade,  and  out  on  the 
fences  and  barns,  and  he  was  getting  a  big  trade. 

Clarissa  thought  that  we  had  better  go  in  and  try  the  new  store; 
and  I  had  quite  a  desire  to  see  Betsey's  husband,  and  a  hope 
that  I  might  see  Betsey.  We  had  no  sooner  entered  than  a  tall,  lean 
fellow,  with  thin,  sandy  chin  whiskers  and  blue  eyes,  and  a  face  all 
covered  with  smiles,  approached  us  as  if  he  had  known  us  a  lifetime, 
and  put  his  hand  out  in  a  cordial  manner  and  shook  hands  with  Clar- 
issa, and  then  with  me,  and  said,— 

"  This  is  a  beautiful  day  ;  just  step  back  and  have  a  seat.  Let 
me  see,  your  name  is —  is —  is — 

"Uncle  Ben  Morgan!"  shouted  a  little  red-headed  woman  of 
forty,  who  was  coming  out  from  behind  the  counter,  "  how  do  you 
do?"  and  the  next  minute  the  hand  of  Betsey  Teeters  was  clasped 
in  mine  in  a  regular,  old-fashioned  shake.  The  cordiality  with 
which  Betsey  met  me  run  close  onto  affection.  Betsey  is  a  marvel 
in  the  way  of  a  rapid  talker  ;  I  think  she  would  take  the  grist-mill 
over  any  woman  I  ever  met,  and  on  this  particular  occasion  we  was 
glad  to  see  each  other,  and  Betsey  had  to  ask  me  so  many  questions 
about  our  old  schoolmates  and  the  old  neighbors,  and  one  thing  and 
another,  that  a  whole  half-hour  went  by  before  I  thought  a  thing 
about  introducing  Clarissa,  or  she  thought  of  introducing  Teeters, 
and  as  I  turned  round  I  noticed  Clarissa  was  looking  very  consider- 
ably carroty-colored,  but  Teeters  was  doing  the  smiling  act  in 
good  style,  and  I  remarked  to  Betsey  that  if  she'd  just  hold  on  a 
minute  I'd  introduce  her  to  the  best  woman  in  Blank  County — my 
wife,  Clarissa  Morgan. 

The    pause   was   obtained,   and    the   introduction    performed. 


UNCLE    BEN    AND    CLARISSA    IN    TEETERS*    STORE. 


1-8  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BENS 

Clarissa  was  almost  frigid  at  first,  and  seemed  to  feel  as  though  1 
had  used  a  little  too  muqh  time  ;  but  under  Betsey's  warm  reception 
and  April  shower  of  words,  she  gradually  thawed  down  to  the  talk- 
ative degree.  Betsey  introduced  me  to  the  gentleman  who  met  us 
at  the  door,  as  her  husband.  He  was  very  polite  and  very  friendly  ; 
but  I  thought  then  that  I  could  see  policy  written  on  his  face.  Bet- 
sey, no  doubt,  had  told  him  about  the  good  men  and  women  to  work 
for  as  customers,  and  she,  of  course,  mentioned  "  Uncle  Ben  Mor- 
gan," as  it  is  known  all  over  the  county  that  he  prides  himself  on 
•paying  for  everything  he  gets,  promptly. 

"  Mr.  Morgan,"  said  Mr.  Teeters,  "  I  have  heard  Betsey  speak 
of  you  more  than  any  other  man  in  the  county,  and  I  feel  as  though 
I  was  already  acquainted  with  you.  I  was  in  hopes  you  would  have 
called  before  this.  Now  I  just  want  you  and  your  wife  to  make  my 
store  your  headquarters  whenever  you  can  come  to  town,  and  if  you 
have  anything  to  sell  at  any  time,  give  me  the  first  chance  to  buy  it, 
and  I'll  give  you  the  biggest  price  for  it  of  any  one  in  town." 

"  Well,"  I  said,  "we'll  give  you  a  trial,  and  so  long  as  you  do 
right  by  us  we'll  trade  with  you." 

Clarissa  had  brought  in  about  one  hundred  pounds  of  butter 
and  eighty-two  dozen  eggs,  and  six  pair  of  socks  she  had  knit. 
Teeters  wanted  me  to  bring  them  in,  and  I  done  so.  He  examined 
the  butter  closely  and  said  : 

"Mrs.  Morgan,  did  you  make  this  butter  yourself?"  Clarissa 
told  him, — 

"  Yes." 

"  Well,"  said  he,  "  that  is  the  best  lot  of  butter  I  have  seen  since 
I  have  been  in  the  Village;  and  I  want  to  engage  all  the  butter  you 
make  from  now  on,  and  I'll  give  you  one  cent  above  the  market 
price  for  it." 

Clarissa  is  a  powerful  good  butter  maker,  and  she  prides  her- 
self on  it ;  and  this  compliment  of  Teeters'  done  just  what  he  in- 
tended it  should ;  it  tickled  her,  and  made  her  a  customer  for  his 
store. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  19 

Right  here  let  me  suggest  to  any  one  who  intends  embarking 
on  the  sea  of  trade  and  traffic,  it  matters  not  what  branch  of  mer- 
cantile business  you  take,  if  you  want  to  build  up  a  good  trade,  just 
compliment  every  woman  that  comes  into  your  store — in  some  way 
or  other  see  that  she  receives  a  compliment  at  your  hand — either  for 
her  taste  in  the  selection  of  goods,  her  knowledge  of  the  value  of 
goods,  her  ability  to  make  nice  things,  or  the  extreme  beauty  of  her 
baby,  or  the  bright  intelligence  of  her  tow-headed  young  one  that 
is  pulling  her  dress  and  crying,  "  Ma,  ma,  ma,  I  want  that  doll ;  I 
want  that  rocking-horse,  or  I  want  some  candy."  Be  sure  that  you 
give  her  to  understand  that  you  appreciate  her  worth  in  some  man- 
ner, and  never  speak  ill  of  a  woman  under  any  circumstances,  and 
you  can  have  all  the  trade  you  can  attend  to.  The  women  control 
more  of  the  trade  than  the  men,  every  time. 

Teeters  understood  this  thoroughly,  and  he  made  Clarissa  a 
customer.  She  asked  him  how  much  he  would  pay  her  for  the  but- 
ter and  eggs,  and  with  a  very  sweet  smile  and  a  rubbing  of  his 
hands,  he  said  : 

"  Butter,  just  now,  is  low;  the  New  York  market  is  glutted, 
and  consequently  the  price  has  dropped  to  four  and  a  half  cents  a 
pound ;  I  am  really  only  paying  four  cents ;  but  your  butter  is  so 
very  nice  I  will  give  you  five  and  a  half  cents." 

Of  course,  Clarissa  was  somewhat  disappointed,  as  she  had 
never  sold  any  butter  for  less  than  ten  cents ;  and  when  she  thought 
how  hard  I  had  worked  to  take  care  of  them  twenty  cows,  and 
milking,  and  how  awful  hard  she  had  worked,  with  no  one  to  help 
her  except  Mary  (who  was  only  nineteen),  taking  care  of  the  milk 
and  churning  the  butter  and  working  it  over,  five  and  a  half  cents 
didn't  look  as  if  it  paid  to  make  it.  But  of  course  Mr.  Teeters  was 
very  kind  to  give  her  a  cent  more  for  it  than  he  give  any  one  else, 
so  she  sold  her  butter  and  eggs  to  him,  and  made  her  purchases 
from  him.  After  she  had  finished  her  trading  Betsey  invited  us  to 
dinner  with  them  (they  lived  up  over  their  store),  and  we  accepted 


20  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

the  invitation.  Betsey  had  a  splendid  dinner,  and  we  used  all  the 
spare  time  we  had  from  talking,  in  eating. 

We  found  out  a  good  many  things  during  our  dinner  visit : 
for  instance,  and  to  wit,  we  found  out  the  following :  That  Clarissa 
and  I  had  two  children,  a  girl  and  a  boy.  The  girl  we  named  Mary, 
nineteen  years  ago,  after  Clarissa's  mother,  and  the  boy  we  named 
after  our  President,  Abe  Lincoln  :  and  he  is  such  an  honest  boy  that 
we  call  him  Honest  Abe.  He  is  fourteen,  going  on  fifteen  ;  that 
they  had  two  boys,  the  oldest  sixteen,  named  Jay  Gould,  because  J. 
Gould  was  Teeters'  idea  of  a  great  man.  The  second  boy  Betsey 
had  named  after  me — Ben  M.  Teeters.  Both  the  1?oys  was  at  the 
dinner  table,  and  the  oldest  one  looked  as  though  he  could  skin  a 
whole  church  and  not  get  caught  at  it;  but  the  other  fellow  didn't 
look  as  if  he  knew  enough  to  eat  a  hotel  beefsteak  without  a  receipt 

I  told  Betsey  I  thought  she  exhibited  great  knowledge  of  human 
nature  when  she  named  her  boys,  and  that  tickled  Betsey.  I  just 
felt  then  that  I  wished  I  was  running  a  drygoods  store  so  as  to  get 
Betsey  for  a  customer — I'd  have  her  sure. 

We  also  found  out  that  Teeters  had  joined  the  Methodist  Church 
(although  he  had  not  belonged  to  any  church  before  he  moved  into 
the  village),  and  that  he  was  one  of  the  class-leaders ;  also,  that  I 
was  a  Baptist,  but  not  powerfully  stuck  on  them,  although  I  liked 
them,  and  that  Clarissa  didn't  belong  to  any  visible  church,  but  I 
believed  then,  and  have  since  been  fully  convinced  that  she  was  and 
is  a  better  Christian  than  any  of  the  church  members  I  was  ac- 
quainted with,  not  excepting  myself.  I  have  weaknesses  that  she 
hasn't  got,  notwithstanding  women  are  considered  the  weaker  ves- 
sels. We  found  out  that  Teeters  and  one  of  our  neighbors,  George 
Waddles,  was  well  acquainted ;  that  George  was  a  customer  of 
Teeters' ;  that  in  fact,  it  was  through  Waddles  that  Teeters  moved 
from  Connecticut  to  the  village. 

By  this  time  we  found  it  was  getting  late  and  time  for  us  to  be 
going  home.  Clarissa  and  Betsey  parted  the  best  of  friends,  and 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  21 

Clarissa  urged  them  to  come  out  and  make  us  a  visit  some  day  next 
week,  which  they  agreed  to  do. 

It  was  quite  late  when  we  got  started  for  home,  and  we  had 
got  to  drive  twelve  miles,  some  of  the  way  pretty  hilly,  and  the  old 
gray  mare  was  lame  in  both  front  feet,  and  had  one  bad  hind  leg, 
and  I  felt  it  would  be  long  after  dark  before  I  got  the  chores  done. 
We  had  got  about  half  way  home  when  Clarissa  said, — 

"  Benjamin,  I  forgot  that  dress  I  bought  for  Mary,  in  Brown's, 
where  I  traded  my  socks.  I'm  awful  sorry,  as  Mary  is  expecting 
it,  and  she  has  worked  so  hard  helping  me  this  spring ;  and  she 
narrowed  off  the  toes  of  all  them  socks,  besides." 

"  Well,  Clarissa,"  I  said,  "  why  don't  you  think  of  these  things 
and  take  care  of  'em;  it's  just  like  a  woman,  always  forgetting  some- 
thing or  other."  After  I  had  scolded  more  than  I  ought  to,  Clarissa 
spoke,  in  a  calm  mood,  while  her  complexion  showed  rebuke  in  every 
wrinkle: 

"  Benjamin,  we  are  all  of  us  liable  to  forget  something  some- 
time or  other,  and  I  don't  think  it  is  any  worse  for  me  to  forget  to 
put  that  dress  in  the  wagon  than  it  was  for  you  to  forget  that  you 
had  built  a  fire  in  the  kitchen  stove  and  then  set  down  on  top  of  it 
to  pull  your  boots  on."  I  said  : 

"  I  forgot  all  about  that." 

"  Well,"  she  replied,  "  I  haven't  forgot  that  I  had  to  spend  a 
whole  day  to  build  over  them  satinet  breeches."  With  a  sort  o' 
cowed  expression  on  my  front  face,  I  said, — 

"  Clarissa,  I  didn't  intend  to  injure  your  feelings."  She  spoke 
quick,  but  firm-like,  and  said  : 

"  Benjamin,  my  feelings  aint  spoiled  a  bit,  and  I  didn't  mean 
anything  wrong  when  I  referred  to  the  cook  stove  misunderstanding, 
although  it  is  a  tender  subject  to  reflect  upon,  but  I  merely  wish  to 
show  that  we  are  all  poor  human  creatures  after  all,  and  liable  to 
forget  a  great  many  things  it  would  be  better  for  us  to  remember ;  we 
are  not  only  liable  to  forget  some  of  our  errands,  and  to  do  things 


22  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

we  should  not  do,  but  we  are  sometimes  liable  to  forget  to  appear  to 
be  just  what  we  really  are.  Too  many  folks  in  this  world  that  are 
not  honest,  either  by  training  or  by  nature,  forget  to  appear  what 
they  are,  and  so  go  through  the  world  appearing  to  be  honest  and 
upright,  and  trying  to  make  others  believe  they  are.  There  are  lots 
of  wolves  that  forget  where  they  take  off  their  clothes  at  night,  and 
get  up  in  the  morning  and  put  on  the  clothing  that  belongs  to  the 
sheep  ;  and  they'll  wear  them  all  day.  There  are  farmers  that  will 


"I   FORGOT   ALL   ABOUT  THAT." 

haul  load  after  load  of  wood  to  town  and  sell  it  for  so  many  cords, 
and  forget  where  their  measuring  stick  is ;  and  there  are  merchants 
who  forget  to  balance  their  scales.  There  are  lawyers  that  forget 
that  truth  is  an  essential  element  in  trying  a  case,  and  ministers  that 
forget  that  the  eye  of  the  Lord  is  upon  them  when  they  are  stealing 
their  sermons  as  well  as  the  eye  of  the  critic,  when  they  are  deliver- 
ing them  from  the  sacred  desk.  The  office  seeker  forgets,  after  his 
election,  every  promise  he  made  before  it,  and  what  is  worse  than  all 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  23 

else,  the  husband  and  the  wife  too  frequently  forget  those  pledges  of 
love  and  faithfulness  and  sobriety.  Of  all  sad  things  in  this  world,  the 
saddest  is  when  memory  between  plighted  mates  for  life  is  lost  to 
the  extent  that  not  only  is  duty  neglected,  but  affection  chilled  for- 
ever, hearts  crushed  and  bleeding,  to  rise  no  more.  The  strength  of 
a  government  rests  upon  the  strength  of  its  homes.  Every  home  is 
a  foundation  stone  upon  which  the  superstructure  rests.  If  the 
individual  homes  throughout  the  country  fall  to  ruin  by  forgetful- 
ness,  the  government  will  surely  follow  ;  and  I  have  read  in  some 
of  my  books  about  a  once  flourishing  republic,  I  believe  it  was 
Rome,  falling  to  pieces  from  this  very  cause — for'getfulness  ;  forget- 
ting to  be  true,  honest  and  square." 

Clarissa  got  into  one  of  her  inspiring  spells,  and  preached  a 
better  sermon  on  forgetfulness  than  Elder  Cliapin  preaches  upon 
fore-ordination. 

Says  I  to  Clarissa,  "  It  must  be  catching." 

"What  must  be  catching?"  she  asked. 

"Oh, "said  I,  "this  is  the  time  of  year  for  it." 

"  The  time  of  year  for  what  ?"  she  exclaimed,  somewhat  puzzled 
by  my  remark. 

"  Inspiration,"  says  I. 

''Oh,  pshaw,"  she  said,  "  there's  no  inspiration  about  that;  it 
is  just  plain,  common  sense,  and  real  facts." 

"  Well,  then !  I  have  come  to  the  conclusion  that  plain  common 
sense  is  a  scarcer  article  than  uncommon  sense." 

"  Benjamin,  now  I've  asked  Betsey  out  to  see  us  next  week,  and 
she  is  coming.  What  am  I  to  do  with  her?  She  is  such  an  everlasting 
talker  my  nervous  system  can't  stand  it,"  said  Clarissa.  I  thought  it 
over  considerable  while  the  old  mare  was  climbing  the  big  Towzer 
hill,  from  the  top  of  which  I  could  see  a  light  in  our  front  window, 
and  I  told  Clarissa  that  1  would  manage  it.  I  would  take  Betsey 
around  the  iarm  with  me  and  show  her  the  cows  and  pigs  and 
geese,  etc.,  and  then  I  would  take  her  down  to  see  Aunt  Pollie  Clark 


24 


SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 


who  used  to  know  her  when  she  was  a  Coon ;  and  in  that  way  I 
would  keep  her  out  of  the  house  till  supper  was  ready,  and  she 
could  get  along  with  her  the  rest  of  the  time.  By  this  time  we  had 
reached  home  and  it  was  some  time  after  dark. 

Mary  and  Abe  had  got  the  chores  all  done  and  had  a  good  hot 
supper  on  the  table.  After  supper  Clarissa  told  Mary  how  she  had 
forgot  her  dress,  but  promjsed  to  send  Honest  Abe  after  it  the  next 
day,  and  then  she  told  her  about  Betsey  and  Jim  Teeters  coming 
out  to  visit  us  next  week.  Mary  said  she  would  fix  it  all  right.  She 


WE  SAW   THE   LIGHT   FROM   TOWZER   HILL. 

would  go  down  to  Giddingses  and  borrow  their  quilting  frames, 
get  a  quilt  on  and  invite  the  neighbors,  and  she  would  send  a  special 
invitation  to  Sarah  Smuggins,  the  woman's  rights  old  maid,  and 
Betsey  would  find  her  match. 

Mary's  project  seemed  to  meet  Clarissa's  approval,  and  I  am 
sure  it  did  mine,  and  we  retired  to  rest 

Amid  thoughts  of  Teeters, 
And  the  hum  of  'skeeters 
In  regular  meters. 


EXPERIENCE    WITH    HYPOCRITES.  25 


CHAPTER    III. 

^(IICKNESS  in  the  neighborhood,  a  meeting  in  the  schoolhouse, 
^1\  and  getting  ready  for  Betsey  Teeters'  visit,  has  kept  Clarissa 
awful  busy  for  the  past  week.  There  isn't  a  family  within  five 
miles  of  our  house  that  doesn't  expect  Clarissa  to  help  take  care  of 
*em,  or  come  in  and  say  a  cheering  word  when  they  get  sick,  for  she 
has  such  an  even  disposition,  and  kind  and  amicable  ways  with  her, 
that  she  is  a  regular  angel  in  a  sick  room.  Old  Mrs.  Boyles  was 
taken  very  sudden  with  a  powerful  fit  of  weakness  in  her  body,  and 
a  terrible  sharp  pain  in  her  throat.  Clarissa  was  sent  for  in  great 
haste,  and  so  was  Dr.  Dickey.  When  Clarissa  got  there  she  in- 
quired all  about  how  she  was  taken,  and  the  youngest  girl,  Nancy, 
told  her  that  her  mother  was  as  well  as  usual  before  supper ;  that 
she  eat  supper  with  the  rest  of  'em,  and  right  after  supper  she  com- 
plained of  an  awful  sharp  pain  in  her  throat.  Nancy  said  she  had 
made  some  soda  biscuits  for  supper,  as  her  mother  was  real  fond  of 
1em,  and  that  she  eat  four  or  five. 

Now  Clarissa  begun  to  reason  it  out  (and  I  want  to  remark 
right  here,  that  whenever  Clarissa  begins  to  reason  on  anything,  she 
is  mighty  sure  to  come  out  at  the  right  end,  for  she  is  not  only  a 
powerful  reader  and  good  scholar,  but  she  is  a  regular  philosopher). 
She  reasoned  in  this  way  :  Nancy  is  young  and  pretty,  and  thinks 
she  is  prettier  than  she  is.  She  is  in  love  with  a  smart  young  man 
down  to  the  village  by  the  name  of  Zolliver  Ramsdell,  who  pays 
her  steady  company.  She  was  -expecting  him  out  to  see  her  that 
night,  and  she  had  her  hair  all  twisted  up  in  papers  and  fastened 


SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 


with  invisible  hairpins ;  and  just  as  likely  as  not,  and  a  good  deal 
more  so  one  of  them  hair-pins  fell  in  to  the  biscuit  dough  when 
Nancy   was   working    it,   and 
had  got  into  one  of  the  bis- 
cuits that  old  Mrs.  Boyles  eat 
and  it  had   got   into  the  old 
lady's  windpipe. 

When  the  doctor  came 
Clarissa  suggested  her  theory 
to  him.  He  acted  upon  her 
philosophy  of  the  case,  and 
put  an  instrument  they  called 
a  speculator  down  her  throat 
so  he  could  examine  it,  and 
sure  enough,  there  he  found 
the  hairpin  sticking  right  in 
her  windpipe.  He  took  a  pair 
of  small  tongs  he  had  in  his 
pocket  and  pulled  it  out,  and 
the  old  lady  got  well  in  a  day 
or  two  after.  She  feels  so 
grateful  that  she  prays  for  the  blessing  of  Heaven  to  come  down 
on  to  Clarissa. 

The  next  night  after  the  Boyles'  disaster  there  was  a  meeting  in 
the  red  schoolhouse.  Clarissa  and  I  went  over  to  the  meeting,  ex- 
pecting we  would  hear  a  good  sermon,  although  we  didn't  know  who 
was  going  to  preach.  As  a  general  rule  Clarissa  leads  in  the  sing- 
ing at  all  the  meetings,  as  she  is  a  good  singer  and  very  independent ; 
and  she  most  always  pitches  the  tune,  where  most  of  'em  can  sing. 
The  schoolhouse  was  well  filled  when  the  preacher  came  in.  He 
was  a  stranger  to  all  of  us — a  powerful  big  man  with  a  bald  head 
and  face.  He  was  a  different  man  from  what  the  folks  expected, 
and  talked  altogether  different  from  what  they  supposed  he  would. 


DR.    DICKEY   EXTRACTING   THE   HAIRPIN. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  2? 

Clarissa  said  if  she  had  knowed  what  stuff  he  was  going  to  preach, 
she'd  a  never  sung  the  first  piece — "  Come,  Holy  Spirit,  Heavenly 
Dove  ;  "  and  she  was  so  mad  when  he  got  through,  she  wouldn't  sing 
the  last  song. 

He  just  made  all  sorts  of  fun  of  Abe  and  Ike  and  Jake,  and 
said  they  did  not  belong  to  our  class  of  people.  He  said  they 
was  of  a  race  called  pawnbrokers,  and  their  principal  business 
was  receiving  stolen  goods  and  cheating  their  neighbors ;  that 
Moses  was  a  regular  old  impostor ;  that  he  went  up  on  top  of  a 
mountain  and  claimed  that  God  had  handed  him  some  stone  plates, 
with  his  law  written  on  them,  and  commanded  him  to  take  them 
down  and  read  them  to  his  people  and  make  them  obey  the  law  ;  that 
while  he  was  coming  down  the  mountain  he  stumbled  over  the  root 
of  an  old  tree  and  fell  down  and  broke  the  stone  plates  into  a  thou- 
sand pieces.  Then  he  told  the  people  what  was  written  on  them, 
and  ever  since  then  they  called  him  the  law-giver,  and  strange  to  say, 
thousands  and  thousands  of  people  that  don't  belong  to  that  race,  to 
this  day,  believe  that  yarn  of  old  Moses. 

Then  he  went  on  to  show  what  a  lot  of  mistakes  Moses  had 
made ;  and  he  made  all  sorts  of  ridicule  of  the  Bible,  and  done 
everything  in  his  power  to  spoil  that  sweet  peace  of  mind  and 
confidence  that  the  Christian  men  and  women  had  by  a  simple 
faith  in  the  Saviour  and  his  word.  And  after  he  showed  what  a 
sham  he  was,  by  trying  to  make  out  that  he  didn't  come  from  any- 
thing bigger  than  he  was  himself,  and  that  there  was  no  God,  and 
no  hereafter,  he  made  a  fool  of  himself  by  repeating  as  his  motto  in 
life,  The  Golden  Rule,  as  he  called  it,  which  he  stole  out  of  God's 
own  book.  He  wasn't  satisfied  by  using  some  of  the  best  part  of 
God's  work,  but  the  dumb  hypocrite  denied  the  author.  So  he 
went  on  for  nigh  two  hours,  saying  something  to  hurt  some  one's 
feelings,  and  then,  like  a  clown  in  a  circus,  laughed  at  his  own 
foolishness. 

Clarissa  says  that  he  is  as  big  a  hypocrite  as  she  ever  saw,  for 


28  SHAMS;  OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

all  the  things  he  said  that  he  wanted  the  folks  to  understand  as  his 
original  ideas  had  been  said  and  written  by  Voltaire  and  Tom  Paine 
and  others  long  ago,  and  he  was  parading  them  as  his  ideas.  She 
said,  although  she  didn't  believe  everything  about  the  Bible  as  others 
did,  and  while  she  didn't  believe  the  representations  of  Bible  doc- 
trines and  theories  as  presented  by  a  good  many  well  meaning  min- 
isters, yet  she  didn't  believe  it  was  right  to  say  anything  to  destroy 
the  confidence  that  professed  Christians  had  in  their  beliefs. 
He  is  a  sham,  and  I've  got  him  on  the  list. 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  29 


CHAPTER  IV. 

'ARY  had  completed  all  her  arrangements  for  her  quilting  bee, 
and  about  half-past  10  o'clock,  Friday  morning,  Betsey  and  Jim 
— v—  Teeters  drove  up  to  the  front  gate,  and  Clarissa  and  I  went  out 
to  welcome  them.  Betsey  begun, "  Clarissa,  dear  me !  I  am  so  glad  to 
see  you  ;  what  a  handsome  place  you've  got  here  ;  what  a  beautiful 
door-yard,  and  what  beautiful  flowers.  Why,  I've  been  telling  Jim 
all  the  way  out  here  how  I  wished  he'd  sell  out  and  buy  a  farm,  and 
get  a  lot  of  pigs  and  cows  and  hens  and  geese,  and  other  cattle,  and 
go  to  raising  something,  and  be  independent,  like  Ben  Morgan." 
And  so  she  went  on,  a  regular  blue  streak,  observing  everything  she 
took  notice  of,  until  we  got  to  the  house.  Clarissa  introduced  her 
to  Mary,  who  met  her  in  a  most  cordial  spirit. 

In  about  an  hour  the  neighbor  women  began  to  come  in,  and  a 
few  minutes  later  Sarah  Smuggins  arrived,  with  her  mouth  as  full 
of  words  as  a  hive  is  of  bees.  Mary  introduced  Betsey  to  the  com- 
pany, and  especially  to  Sarah,  and  then  the  fun  begun.  If  you  had 
gone  by  our  house  you'd  a  thought  that  a  woman's  rights  conven- 
tion was  going  on  inside,  or  that  something  had  broke  loose.  Bet- 
sey talked  a  perfect  stream  to  Sarah,  and  Sarah  just  let  a  river  of 
words  flow  back  to  Betsey,  and  neither  one  knew  a  single  word  the 
other  had  said.  It  was  just  the  thing  for  Clarissa,  who  took  advan- 
tage of  the  occasion  to  slip  out  into  the  kitchen,  away  from  the 
noise,  and  get  dinner  ready,  while  Teeters  and  I  took  a  walk  over 
the  farm.  Teeters  seemed  to  enjoy  the  walk,  and  took  particular 
interest  in  the  hogs  and  cattle.  I  soon  found  that  Jim  Teeters  was 


3o  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

like  a  singed  cat — a  good  deal  smarter  than  he  looked,  and  I  could  see 
that  he  had  an  eye  on  the  main  chance  all  the  time.  Some  day  I 
believe  he  will  make  an  Astor  (as  Clarissa  calls  that  rich  man  in  New 
York),  for  he  is  bound  to  be  powerful  rich,  if  he  don't  die  too  soon. 
He's  got  more  schemes  in  his  head  than  Deacon  Long  has  got  words 
in  his  Sunday  night  prayers,  and  he'll  make  some  of  'em  win  some 
of  these  days. 

One  of  his  schemes  is  to  go  to  Chicago  and  work  a  job  through 
the  city  council  to  buy  the  whole  of  the  Chicago  River,  and 
then  put  stone  walls  across  it  every  hundred  feet,  and  put  a  roof 
over  it  and  divide  it  off  into  private  bath  ponds,  and  then  rent  them 
out  by  the  season  to  the  wealthy  folks.  He  says  there  is  a  fortune 
in  it,  and  he  thinks  he  can  make  a  cool  million  in  five  years.  I  never 
thought  on  it  before,  but  Clarissa  says  she  has  no  doubt  of  it,  for 
she  says  she  knows  lots  of  folks  in  Chicago  that  would  give  a  good 
deal  to  have  a  private  bath ;  but  she  believed  if  Teeters  could  put 
some  ingredient  into  the  water  that  could  cleanse  'em  from  sin,  that 
he  couldvmake  more  than  two  millions  in  less  than  a  year.  But  that 
is  impossible.  While  she  believes  that  Teeters  is  a  smart  man,  he 
ain't  smart  enough  for  that.  There  never  was  but  one  man  on  this 
earth  that  had  that  ingredient,  and  that  was  a  Jew,  and  lived  here 
over  i, 800  years  ago.  He  never  sold  it  to  any  one,  but  he  gave  it 
to  any  and  every  one  that  would  take  it  and  use  it.  This  fact  seems 
incredible,  for  the  Jews  are  not  inclined  that  way ;  but  he  offered 
the  ingredient  free  to  every  one  that  would  believe  in  him,  and  use 
it  as  he  told  them.  And  every  human  being  that  has  believed  in 
him  and  taken  his  gift  since  then,  have  got  themselves  cleaner 
a'washin'  in  his  blood  than  they  could  in  any  other  way.  "  He  was 
despised  because  he  was  a  poor  Nazarene,  and  that's  the  way,"  she 
says,  "  that  the  world  looks  on  poor  people  now.  It  don't  know 
enough,  or  else  it  don't  care,  to  look  through  their  rags  and  see  an 
honest  heart  that  works  hard  to  keep  the  wolf  from  the  door,  and 
praise  its  Creator ;  that  ain't  all  the  while  a-figuring  to  get  a  posi- 


TEETERS   FIGURING   HOW   MUCH    HE   COULD   MAKE  ON   THE   HOGS. 


32  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

tion  in  a  bank  and  then  build  a  big  house  in  Canada,  where  there 
are  no  extradition  treaties ;  but  that's  a-figuring  how  it  can  get  a 
pry  under  the  front  wheel  of  his  neighbor's  wagon  that  has  got 
down,  and  give  it  a  lift  out  of  the  ditch,  and  secure  a  mansion  in 
the  sky." 

So  Clarissa  went  on  moralizing,  and  said  if  Teeters  didn't  get 
that  ingredient,  he  would  make  a  failure  of  all  his  schemes. 

I  find  I  am  digressing  from  what  I  was  going  to  say  about  the 
folks  in  the  house.  Just  as  sure  as  I  get  to  thinking  about  some  of 
Clarissa's  remarks  and  reasonings,  I  get  to  wandering  from  my  sub- 
ject. So  I'll  digress  back  again,  and  take  Teeters  from  the  hog-pen 
where  I  left  him  figuring  on  how  much  he  could  make  on  sixty-one 
hogs  that  he  guessed  would  weigh  240  pounds  apiece  by  killing 
them,  if  he  bought  them  at  my  price,  three  and  one-fourth  cents  a 
pound,  and  go  in  to  dinner,  for  Clarissa  rung  the  bell  five  minutes 
ago. 

We  went  into  the  side  door  of  the  sitting-room,  where  Clarissa 
had  the  table  set,  and  if  you  ever  put  your  head  beside  a  bee-hive, 
you  never  heard  a  bigger  humming.  They  had  got  the  big  exten- 
sion-table and  the  kitchen-table  hitched  together,  and  it  was  loaded 
down  with  victuals.  Nearly  all  the  women  in  the  neighborhood 
was  there.  After  reconnoitering,  we  come  to  the  conclusion  that 
Jim  Teeters  and  Ben  Morgan  was  the  only  two  male  persons 
present. 

Mary  managed  the  table  affairs,  and  she  showed  her  true  sa- 
gacity in  seating  the  company.  She  put  Betsey  at  one  end  of  the 
table,  and  Sarah  Smuggins  at  the  other  end.  Clarissa  was  put  in 
the  middle  of  one  side,  and  Teeters  and  me  on  each  side  of  her. 
The  rest  of  the  company  was  distributed  among  the  other  seats. 

Clarissa  invited  Mr.  Teeters  to  ask  the  blessing,  which  was  done 
in  regular  class-leader  style.  Right  opposite  to  me  sat  'Squire 
Bigler's  wife,  she  that  was  Maria  Tiift,  who  used  to  sing  in  the 
choir  up  to  the  Huddle  before  she  got  acquainted  with  young  Bas- 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES. 


33 


com  B.  Bigler,  who  had  been  off  to  college,  and  was  powerful 
smart,  and  after  he  married  her  he  went  to  farming  on  old  man 
Tifft's  farm,  and  mixing  in  politics,  and  got  elected  to  the  'Squire's 
office.  After  he  got  elected  he  signed  his  name  with  three  big  B's. 
She  is  a  pretty  smart  kind  of  a  woman,  and  tolerably  well  edu- 
cated. There  was  Sally  Tomkins,  Peleg  Tomkins'  wife,  one  of  the 
pillows  of  the  Baptist  Church,  Mehitable  Green,  wife  of  Bill  Green, 
the  blacksmith,  and  Jane  Kirk,  whose  husband,  David  Kirk,  is  a 
worthless  coot,  with  unsettled  principles,  and  Mrs.  Melancthon 
Stevens,  whose  husband  teaches  singin'-school,  and  Mrs,  Jim  Smug- 
gins,  and  Miss  Lilly  Doolittle,  an  innocent,  but  somewhat  soft  maid 


CHOIR    AT    THE    HUDDLE. 


of  uncertain  age,  and  George  Waddles'  wife  (Waddles  is  a  big 
farmer,  and  makes  a  specialty  of  religion,  and  short-horns  and  hogs ; 
he  buys  and  sells  from  700  to  800  head  of  cattle  every  year,  and 
leads  in  prayer-meetings  down  to  the  Methodist  Church  at  the 
village).  There  was  Abby  Standish,  the  relict  of  the  late  Morton 
Standish,  and  also  Dollesky  Baker,  a  well-meaning  but  simple- 
minded  woman,  who  was  always  on  hand  at  funerals  and  revivals. 

The  usual  table  talk  went  on,  that  one  might  expect  on  such  an 
occasion,  until  Sarah  Smuggins  lit  out  on  her   favorite   topic   of 


34  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S. 

woman's  rights.  Now  it  don't  look  very  well  in  me  to  be  writing 
about  this  old  worn  out  subject,  and  I  wouldn't  be  surprised  if  the 
readers  would  pull  their  chestnut  bells  when  they  come  to  this ;  but 
as  shams  and  hypocrisy  is  my  theme,  I  want  to  show  how  women's 
shams  impose  upon  society  as  well  as  others.  She  declared  that  the 
men  was  all  a  pack  of  self-conceited,  cold  blooded  and  selfish  things, 
and  she  wanted  to  see  the  time  come  when  women  would  be  the  rulers 
of  this  country.  If  the  women  had  to  be  the  mothers  of  all  man- 
kind, they  certainly  ought  to  be  the  ones  to  have  the  say  in  the 
government  >of  them.  This  idea  that  a  woman  had  got  to  crawl 
after  the  dictates  and  commands  of  a  puffed  up,  conceited  man,  was 
abominable. 

Clarissa  had  been  silent  up  to  this  time,  .but  now  she  broke  in. 
I  knew  well  enough  what  was  coming,  for  I  haint  lived  with  Clar- 
issa Morgan  (she  that  was  a  Snodgrass)  for  twenty  odd  years  and 
better  without  knowing  her  sentiments  on  that  question,  and  I  knew 
that  Sarah  Smuggins  just  opened  a  subject  that  she  couldn't  close 
with  very  much  satisfaction  to  herself. 

Clarissa  said,  "  Sarah  Smuggins,  you're  takin'  a  credit  to  your- 
self that  you  haint  entitled  to  when  you  claim  as  a  reason  why  you 
should  set  in  Congress  and  become  one  of  the  rulers  of  the  great 
United  States,  that  the  women  are  the  mothers  of  the  race.  If  you 
was  called  upon  this  minute  to  show  your  credentials  you  couldn't  pro- 
duce 'em  ;  and  as  for  your  being  so  afraid  of  being  dictated  to  by  the 
men,  everybody  knows  that  you  was  running  after  them  every  chance 
you  got,  twenty-five  or  thirty  years  ago,  and  it  ain't  very  becoming 
for  you  to  abuse  'em  when  they  haven't  done  anything  against  you. 
While  there  may  be  plenty  of  women  that  have  a  clear  knowledge  of 
the  requirements  and  needs  of  the  country,  and  a  keen  perception 
of  the  right  way  of  doing  things  in  the  various  official  positions  of 
government,  yet,  as  a  class,  they  certainly  are  not  fitted  to  fill  offi- 
cial positions.  They  should  never  set  in  Congress  if  the  country  is 
in  need  of  any  laws,  for  they  could  never  agree  upon  any.  They 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  35 

could  not  endure  the  fatigue  of  setting  upon  the  judicial  bench  a 
lifetime.  Why,  it  nearly  kills  me  to  set  on  them  hard  pews  in  the 
Baptist  Church  an  hour.  To  set  in  the  Presidential  chair  and 
have  to  be  told  what  to  do  by  seven  other  women  that  she 
might  pick  out  for  that  purpose,  there  aint  a  woman  in  America 
that  would  stand  it  a  month,  and  you  know  it,  too,  Sarah  Smuggins, 
if  you  know  anything  about  your  sex.  About  all  the  women  that 
want  your  idea  of  things  is  a  few  that  have  arrived  at  the  noon- 
mark  in  life,  or  are  on  the  shady  side  of  the  hill ;  that  have  traveled 
life's  uneven  journey  single-handed,  and  have  nursed  a  hatred  to 
mankind,  and  seem  to  have  a  spite  against  the  men  in  general,  com- 
bined with  a  few  that  have  started  on  the  journev  in  double  harness, 
and  because  they  could  not  pull  even  with  their  mates  they  would 
nip  at  them  and  put  their  ears  back,  and  kick  and  squeal,  and 
act  ugly  (instead  of  being  kind),  and  then  jump  out  of  the  harness 
altogether.  Now,  if  the  first  class  referred  to  should  be  law-makers, 
we  would  have  a  government  of  spite.  Of  the  second  class,  if  they 
couldn't  control  one  man,  how  could  they  control  thirty  millions? 

"Now,  Sarah  Smuggins,  I  don't  believe  in  any  such  sentimental 
bosh,  nor  do  I  believe  that  women  have  no  rights  that  men  are 
bound  to  respect.  I  do  know  this :  That  women  has  a  right  that 
every  man  that  wants  to  get  married  is  bound  to  respect ;  that  is  the 
right,  when  their  hand  and  heart  is  asked  for  in  marriage,  to  say 
yes,  or  no,  and  that  right  is  respected.  They  also  have  a  right  to 
say  who  shall  and  who  shall  not  be  admitted  to  their  society ;  to  say 
whether  young  men  who  dress  well  and  cut  a  swell,  regardless  of 
their  moral  principles,  can  enter  their  society  to  the  exclusion  of 
true  moral  worth,  or  not.  The  women  of  the  United  States  carry  in 
their  hands  the  keys  to  society,  and  if  they  choose  to  lock  out  young 
men  who  are  profligates,  and  intemperate,  who  hold  virtue  in  light 
esteem,  and  whose  principal  commodity  is  cheek,  and  open  the  door 
to  honest,  virtuous,  hard-working  and  industrious  men,  men  whose 
morals  are  elevating,  it  is  a  right  they  have,  and  which  all  men 
observe  according  as  it  is  used. 


36  SHAMS;  OR,  UNCLE  BEN'S 

"This,  in  my  opinion,  is  the  most  important  right  and  privilege 
that  lies  at  the  very  foundation  of  our  government ;  and  until  the 
women  of  America  will  prize  honesty  above  dishonesty,  virtue 
above  vice,  sobriety  above  intemperance,  and  will  make  the  distinc- 
tion in  society  so  that  its  effects  can  be  seen  in  the  country,  they  have 
no  right  to  ask  greater  privileges. 

"  Now  I  am  contented  to  try  my  hand  in  government  affairs  at 
home,  haint  I,  Benjamin,"  said  she. 

With  due  deliberation  I  replied,  "  Yes." 

"  And  I  manage  to  have  you  think  just  about  as  I  do,  don't  lf 
Benjamin?"  she  said. 

I  replied,  "  Well,  Clarissa,  because  you  always  think  right,  I  can 
truthfully  say,  yes." 

(It  wouldn't  do  for  me  to  say  yes,  without  explaining  before  all 
them  women,  for  if  I  did,  they  would  misconstrue  my  position  in 
the  neighborhood.) 

Clarissa  continued,  "  I  stand  as  firm  as  the  stone  of  Gibraltar  on 
the  right  that  women  have  to  mould  the  thoughts,  socially  and  polit- 
ically, of  the  world.  They  can  make  our  country  better  and  purer, 
just  as  they  appreciate  their  grand  and  noble  rights ;  and  the  very 
fact  that  the  country  is  no  better,  that  there  is  so  much  corruption 
in  our  government,  is  an  evidence  in  my  mind  that  if  the  women 
can't  show  better  results  of  their  influence  in  society,  they  are  a  long 
way  from  being  competent  to  fill  official  positions. 

"I  am  in  favor  of  women's  rights — in  their  rights  to  rise  up  in  the 
majesty  of  the  nature  their  Creator  give  'em,  and  emancipate  them- 
selves from  the  foolish  fashions  and  sentiments  and  female  dudeism 
of  the  age,  that  carries  them  down,  and  soar  aloft  to  the  high  pin- 
nacle they  ought  to  set  on ;  and  when  they  do  that  they  will  be 
more  respected  by  all  mankind  than  all  the  rulers  of  the  earth  from 
Adam  down  to  the  present  day.'' 

As  soon  as  Clarissa  had  finished  her  remarks  (which  seemed  to 
command  the  attention  of  every  one  present)  Betsey  Teeters  said: 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  37 

"  That's  just  what  I  believe,  and  I've  thought  that  way  a  good 
many  years ;  but  I  never  could  express  my  opinions  as  you  can, 
Clarissa  Morgan  ;  if  I  could,  I'd  get  right  onto  a  stump,  or  stage,  or 
wagon,  or  any  kind  of  a  elevating  place,  and  make  the  world  feel  my 
eloquence."  Teeters  interrupted  further  remarks  of  Betsey's  by 
saying :  "  There's  a  big  difference  between  talk  and  eloquence. 
Some  folks  will  talk  all  day,  and  all  the  time,  and  not  say  anything, 
either,  while  others  will  say  a  good  deal  in  a  few  words,  and  when 
such  persons  talk  it  is  generally  eloquent.  Now  Mrs.  Morgan  has 
spoken  a  whole  volume  in  a  few  words,  and  if  some  big  man  like 
Lord  Salisbury  had  written  a  book  of  500  pages,  and  borrowed  all 
he  could  from  Bill  Shakspere  and  others  on  this  same  subject,  and 
expressed  no  more  thought  than  Clarissa  has  just  given  us,  we'd  all 
say,  'That's  a  powerful  good  book.'  I  believe  in  giving  honor  to 
them  it's  due  to.  If  we  find  a  rose  in  the  shade  of  a  rock  giving  off 
as  sweet  a  scent  as  one  that  sits  in  the  bay  window  of  a  palace,  we 
should  pay  just  as  good  respects  to  it  as  if  it  was  in  a  palace.  How- 
ever, that  isn't  the  way  of  the  world.  Some  poet  has  said  some- 
thing about  a  good  many  gems  of  serene  rays  being  born  to  get  red 
in  the  face  and  throw  away  all  their  sweet  scents  in  the  airy  desert, 
or  words  to  that  effect.  Clarissa  may  be  one  of  them  gems,  and  she 
may  not  be.  I  believe  she  will  some  day  make  her  sentiments  known 
to  the  world."  •'  James  Quincy  Teeters,"  said  Betsey,  "  what  ails 
you  ?  I  never  heard  you  talk  so  much  good  sense  in  my  life  before." 
"  Nothing  ails  me,  Betsey,"  said  Jim  ;  "I  never  had  a  chance  before 
since  you  knew  me,  to  get  out  so  much.  I've  got  lots  more  if  I  get 
the  opportunity  to  tell  it  sometime."  "Well,"  said  Betsey,  "  I  don't 
see  what  you  mean,  Jim  Teeters  ;  I'm  sure  I  don't  talk  much."  "  I 
beg  pardon,  my  dear,  I  never  said  you  did  ;  but  you  know  some 
persons  that  do,  I  presume,"  replied  Jim.. 

Sally  Tomkins  spoke  up  and  said  she  "  felt  as  Mr.  Teeters  had 
remarked,  that  some  folks  talk  a  awful  sight  and  say  nothing,  while 
others  talk  but  little  but  say  a  powerful  sight.  And  that  puts  me 


38  SHAMS;    OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 

in  mind  of  something  I  read  in  a  book  about  a  man  named  Solomon, 
saying  that  a  greenhorn  was  known  by  his  much  racket,  but  a  wise 
man  was  troubled  with  the  lockjaw  considerably,  or  words  that 
conveyed  a  similar  meaning,  I  don't  exactly  remember  the  phraseol- 
ogy. I've  heard  Peleg  say,  when  I  was  reading  from  that  passage 
out  loud,  that  he  knew  whole  families,  not  far  from  this  neigh  r 
hood,  either,  that  didn't  stand  in  the  least  mite  of  danger  of  ever 
having  the  lockjaw,"  and  as  she  spoke  she  cast  a  sort  o'  wise  glance 
over  the  top  of  her  gold-plated  spectacles  toward  Sarah  Smuggins. 

Whether  or  not  Sarah  caught  her  in  this  act,  I  don't  know ;  but 
Sarah  spoke  right  up  and  said, — 

"Anybody  that  will  believe  what  is  writ  in  that  book  aint  very 
strong-minded.' ' 

Sally  asked,  "  What  book  do  you  think  I've  been  referring  to?" 

"You've  been  readin'  that  old,  worn-out  book,  the  Bible.  It 
goes  on  to  tell  about  God,  and  how  He  made  the  world,  and  man 
and  woman,  and  a  whole  pack  of  lies  it  can't  prove ;  and  then  it  tells 
the  women  folks  to  be  subject  to  their  husbands,  and  such  a  book  as 
that  aint  fit  to  have  in  a  house,"  and  Sarah  looked  as  if  she  had 
made  a  center  shot. 

Clarissa  remarked  in  her  cool  way,  "  Sarah,  I  don't  believe  your 
folks  have  had  a  Bible  in  the  house  for  fifty  years ;  at  any  rate,  since 
you  was  born,  and  I  don't  believe  you  know  much  about  it  except 
what  you've  heard  your  father  tell.  So  far  as  it  tells  about  wives 
being  subject  to  their  husbands,  that  ought  not  to  worry  you  any, 
for  you'll  never  be  called  on  to  be  subject." 

They  all  laughed  except  Sarah,  who  got  a  swallow  of  hot  tea 
down  her  windpipe  which  nearly  choked  her,  and  she  had  to  be  ex- 
cused from  the  table. 

I  could  plainly  see  that  my  prediction  was  correct — that  Sarah 
had  opened  a  subject  she  couldn't  close  with  much  satisfaction  to 
herself. 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  39 


CHAPTER  V. 

'HEN  M-ary  went  around  the  neighborhood  to  invite  the 
women  to  the  quilting,  she  also  invited  the  young  folks  to 
come  in  the  evening  to  a  party.  Some  of  the  young  mar- 
ried folks  was  invited  with  the  rest.  Of  course  Ebenezer  Plunket 
was  on  the  list,  and  I  guess  Mary  had  his  name  at  the  head,  as  she 
thinks  immensely  of  him,  and  he  pays  her  steady  company  when  he 
gets  a  opportunity. 

After  tea  the  quiltin*  party  broke  up,  and  Betsey  and  Jim  ex- 
pressed themselves  as  wonderfully  pleased  with  their  visit,  and  after 
we  had  exchanged  mutual  invitations  to  visit  one  another  often  and 
frequent,  we  bade  them  adieu  (which  in  French  is  au  river). 

Again  we  got  our  chores  all  done  up  it  was  lamplightin'  time 
and  the  young  folks  begun  to  come  in.  Mary  had  got  the  big  front 
room  slicked  up,  and  the  new  hanging  lamp  that  we  bought  when 
we  was  out  to  Syracuse  on  a  visit  last  winter,  lit  up ;  in  about  a  half 
hour  the  house  was  pretty  well  filled  up.  They  begun  to  have  fun 
and  a  good  time  immediately.  I  was  glad  on't,  for  if  there  is  one 
thing  that  I  enjoy  more  than  another,  it  is  in  seeing  others  have  a 
good  time;  and  if  they  are  going  to  have  a  happy  time,  the  sooner 
they  begin  and  the  longer  they  keep  it  up  the  better  it  pleases  me. 
Life  is  altogether  too  short  to  spend  three-fourths  of  it  under  a  cloud 
and  one-fourth  in  the  sunshine.  I  believe  we  ought  to  spend  it  all 
in  sunshine,  and  if  we  would  all  be  frank  and  honest,  and  not  assume 
to  be  what  we  are  not,  and  resort  to  all  kinds  of  devices  and  schemes 
to  palm  off  our  counterfeit  instead  of  letting  ourselves  go  for  what 


4O  SHAMS  ;    OR,    UNCLE   BEN  S 

we  are  actually  worth,  there  would  be  lots  more  of  sunshine  for  the 
human  family  than  what  they  receive.  The  world  is  full  of  shams, 
and  one  sham  helps  to  make  another  sham,  and  the  hard  work  too 
many  folks  have  in  keeping  up  the  shams,  causes  a  heavy  bank  of 
dark  clouds  to  shut  out  the  sunshine.  A  desire  to  have  the  world 
think  they  are  wealthy  and  doing  well  in  the  world,  causes  more 
people  to  live  beyond  their  means,  to  do  things  they  know  they  can- 
not afford  to  do,  than  anything  else,  and  consequently  they  have  a 


•T*-j  - 

THEY  PLAYED  ALL  KINDS  OF  PLAYS. 


sham  exterior,  but  a  dark,  gloomy  and  cloudy  interior.  A  nice  bed- 
sp^ead  and  finely  embroidered  pillow  shams  too  frequently  covers 
up  sham  bedding.  "  What  will  society  say  ?"  is  one  of  the  biggest 
shams  of  all,  and  keeps  too  many  people  in  a  chilly,  unpleasant  and 
unwholesome  atmosphere.  I  want  to  see  folks  have  sufficient  moral 
courage  to  appear  natural  and  enjoy  the  blessed  sunshine  of  life ; 
and  if  a  cloud  of  sorrow  passes  over  them  now  and  then  it  is  but 
temporary,  and  joy  is  more  keen  after  it  passes  by. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  4! 

They  played  all  kinds  of  plays  that  was  becomin'  to  their  age, 
sex  and  condition,  and  some  that  wasn't.  Mary's  new  organ  helped 
a  powerful  sight  in  entertaining  the  folks.  Clarissa  and  I  talked  the 
matter  over  considerable  before  we  concluded  to  buy  the  organ.  I 
felt  too  poor  to  put  $250  into  a  wind  box  when  I  needed  a  windmill 
out  in  the  barnyard  more ;  but  after  Clarissa  entered  into  the  merits 
of  the  case,  and  said  it  was  as  much  our  Christian  duty  to  do  all 
that  was  in  our  power  to  elevate  and  improve  our  children  as  to  go 
to  church  and  prayer-meetin';  that  she  believed  the  Almighty 
would  stuff  cotton  in  his  ears,  if  he  had  any,  when  folks  prayed  to 
him  that  was  stingy  and  mean  to  their  own  children  and  wives  and 
husbands,  that  he  might  not  hear  their  hypocritical  prayers.  She 
said  an  organ  or  a  piano  in  the  house  would  of  itself  educate  the 
finer  qualities  of  the  mind  and  heart,  and  would  assist  in  blending 
the  intellectual  with  the  sentimental  and  would  aid  in  unfolding  and 
developing  the  beauty  of  their  natures ;  that  pictures,  musical  in- 
struments, pretty  decorated  walls  and  handsomely  carpeted  floors, 
a  nice  library  of  well-selected  books,  would  educate  and  elevate  the 
dwellers  in  such  homes  more  than  all  things  else  combined.  Clar- 
issa is  a  very  economical  and  judicious  wife,  and  looks  onto  both 
sides  of  a  dollar  before  she  lets  it  go,  and  when  it  does  go  it  gener- 
ally brings  back  value  equivalent.  She  said  with  a  firm  and  decided 
tone  that  she  was  in  favor  of  buying  the  organ ;  that  cattle  wasn't 
anything  but  cattle  and  never  would  be  in  this  world  nor  the  world 
to  come,  that  they  wasn't  made  in  the  image  of  their  Creator,  and 
they  could  do  just  as  they  had  done  in  the  past — go  down  to  the 
creek  to  drink.  But  our  children  was  the  very  image  of  our  Heav- 
enly Father,  for  the  good  book  says  so,  and  if  we  do  our  duty  by 
'em,  and  bring  'em  up  in  the  right  way,  they  was  liable  to  turn  into 
brighter  beings  in  the  "  sweet  by  and  by,"  and  if  that  is  true,  as  the 
Bible  says  it  is,  and  they  are  going  to  sing  all  the  time  and  play  on 
harps,  then  it  is  our  duty  to  do  all  we  can  to  fit  them  so  they  won't 
make  horrible  discords  up  there.  (However,  I  don't  believe  much 


42  SHAMS  ;    OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

in  the  idea  of  being  transformed  into  angels,  and  singing  and  play- 
ing, etc.;  but  some  folks  seem  to  get  that  idea  from  the  way  the 
Bible  is  explained  to  them.)  She  said  she  was  fully  satisfied  that 
$250  put  into  a  fine  Estey  Organ  would  be  the  best  investment  I 
ever  made.  I  like  to  argue  pretty  well,  especially  when  1  think  I've 
got  a  good  fair  chance  to  beat ;  but  when  Clarissa  takes  the  floor 
and  ends  her  side  of  the  case,  I  haint  got  much  to  say  in  general, 
and  nothing  in  particular.  On  this  occasion  I  hadn't  a  word  to  offer, 
for  I  knew  she  was  level,  and  so  she  and  I  looked  into  organs  con- 
siderable and  decided  to  buy  an  Estey.  Mary  said  they  was  the 
best  according  to  her  teacher's  judgment — and  right  there  comes  in 
another  sham.  Somehow  or  other,  if  you  ask  for  the  unbiased  judgment 
of  a  music  teacher  in  regard  to  the  quality  and  merits  of  an  instru- 
ment you  may  wish  to  purchase,  ninety-nine  times  out  of  one  hun- 
dred, a  lo-per  cent,  commission  decides  their  judgment,  and  they 
put  on  a  sham  face  and  act  so  completely  disinterested  that  you 
think  they  are  honest  about  it  when  they  are  perfect  hypocrites. 
The  bigger  the  commission  the  stronger  is  their  recommendation, 
and  the  real  merit  of  the  instrument  cuts  no  figure. 

Well,  we  have  been  well  pleased  with  our  organ,  but  if  we  had 
never  said  a  word  to  Mary's  teacher  about  it  we  could  have  got  it  for 
$25  less  than  we  paid.  Shams  are  terrible  mean  things,  but  they  seem  a 
sight  meaner  when  you  have  to  pay  a  good  price  for  'em. 

Mary  has  learned  a  powerful  sight  of  music  since  we  give  her 
the  organ,  and  when  Clarissa  and  I  get  real  tired  and  fatigued  from 
hard  work,  we  go  into  the  square  room  and  I  lay  down  on  the  lounge, 
while  Clarissa  sets  in  her  big  cane-seat  rocker.  Mary  sets  down  to 
the  organ,  and  with  her  sweet  voice,  accompanied  by  the  harmo- 
nious wind  she  turns  out  of -the  organ,  lulls  us  to  repose  and  seems  to 
waft  our  souls  to  fairer  lands,  and  we  feel  completely  rested  ;  and  a 
hundred  times  I've  felt  that  the  money  I  put  into  that  wind-box  had 
been  paid  back  to  us  in  the  pleasure  we  have  received  from  it.  Mary 
is  considered  the  best  player  in  ten  miles  of  us. 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  43 

1  find  I  have  slipped  away  from  what  I  was  going  to  say  about 
the  party,  so  I'll  go  back  to  the  front  room  at  once. 

Melancthon  Stevens,  being  the  singing-school  teacher,  was  in- 
vited to  favor  the  company  with  a  song,  which  he  very  promptly 
accepted  upon  condition  that  Mary  would  manipulate  the  organ, 
and  she  and  Ebenezer  Plunket  assist  on  the  chorus. 

Mary  began  in  the  same  way  that  most  young  ladies  do  when 
asked  to  play,  after  their  parents  have  spent  a  good  deal  of  money 
on  their  education,  "  Why,  really,  Mr.  Stevens,  you'll  have  to  ex- 
cuse me,  I'm  all  out  of  practice."  Clarissa  spoke  up  in  a  sharp  tone 
and  said  : 

"  Mary,  you  know  better  than  to  make  a  fool  of  yourself  by  such 
ridiculous  excuses  just  because  they  are  fashionable.  You  do  the 
best  you  can,  and  then  you  will  have  done  your  duty." 

"  Yes,  mother,"  said  Mary,  "  I  just  wanted  to  see  how  it  would- 
sound  if  I  done  as  Amelia  Curtis  does  down  to  the  village,  when- 
ever she  is  asked  to  play  the  piano.  I  will  cheerfully  comply  with 
Mr.  Stevens'  request." 

Mary  was  trying  the  silly  sham  that  too  many  girls  make  use  of 
for  the  purpose  of  being  urged.  It  is  an  innocent  sham  that  hurts 
nobody  but  themselves.  It  is  a  good  deal  like  a  lace  sham — very 
easily  seen  through. 

At  it  they  went.  Mr.  Stevens  was  in  good  trim.  He  took  a 
regular  tour,  commencing,  "  Down  by  the  Sad  Sea  Waves,"  "  Where 
the  Sea-gulls  Moan,"  then  traveled  over  to  "  Old  Virginny,"  and 
staid  all  night  in  "  The  Old  Log  Cabin  in  the  Lane,"  and  while 
under  its  protecting  roof  he  exhibited  his  nature  by  trying  to  "  Steal 
away  softly  "  with  "  My  Grandfather's  Clock  ;"  but  fortunately  for 
the  old  gentleman's  heirs,  "  It  was  taller  by  half  than  the  young  man 
himself,"  so  he  left  it  for  "  Ninety  years  on  the  floor,"  and  concluded 
he  had  better  make  himself  scarce  before  the  folks  woke  up,  and 
said  to  himself,  "  I'll  Speed  Away,  Speed  Away,  on  my  errand  of 
love"  where  I  can  "Listen  to  the  Mocking-bird"  in  the  "Sweet 


44  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 

By  and-By."  After  "Roaming  over  Mountains"  and  crossing  the 
"  Raging  Canawl,"  he  felt  "  Tired  Now  and  Sleepy,  too,"  and  bought 
a  return  ticket  from  a  scalper  in  'Frisco  for  "  Home,  Sweet  Home." 

Ebenezer  and  Mary  kept  him  company  the  whole  trip,  and 
occasionally,  when  a  familiar  strain  was  struck,  we  all  got  on  board. 
We  all  seemed  to  enjoy  Melancthon's  efforts  to  please  us,  and  at  the 
same  time  do  a  little  advertising  for  himself.  We  concluded  he 
could  execute  most  everything  he  could  get  his  hands  on. 

After  the  music  had  died  away,  and  Melancthon  and  Ebenezer 
and  Mary  had  retired  from  the  organ  amid  applause  and  perspira- 
tion, there  was  a  lull,  each  one  waiting  for  the  other  to  speak. 

Presently,  some  one  called  for  a  speech  from  Bascom  Bigler, 
who  was  for  short  called  "  Square  Big."  After  a  general  and  pro- 
miscuous call,  frequently  repeated,  the  young  'Squire  arose  and  said : 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen,  I  did  not  know  it  was  in  order  at  a 
social  party  to  have  a  speech." 

Bill  Green  spoke  up  and  said  that  this  was  an  exception. 

"  Well,  then,  ladies  and  gentlemen,"  continued  the  'Squire, 
"as  this  is  an  exception  to  the  general  rule,  I  thank  you  for  the  honor 
you  have  conferred  upon  me  in  calling  me  to  the  floor  on  this  special 
occasion.  I  do  not  feel  myself  competent  to  the  task  thus  imposed 
upon  me,  as  I  have  not  made  a  speech  since  I  left  college  without 
taking  time  to  consider  the  subject  of  the  remarks  I  was  to  make. 
However,  as  it  seems  to  be  the  unanimous  desire  of  those  present,  I 
will  try  to  say  a  few  words.  What  I  have  already  said,  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  are  prefacing  remarks.  Now,  to  what  I  will  say  : 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen,  we  have  met  on  this  occasion  to  discuss 
the  great  political  question  of  the  day,  labor  and  capital — the  down- 
trodden and  horny-handed  sons  of  toil  on  the  one  hand,  and  the 
over-fed  and  bloated  capitalist  on  the  other.  Excuse  me,  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  I  forgot ;  that  is  part  of  a  speech  I  made  last  fall  before 
I  was  elected  J.  P.,  at  a  meeting  of  the  Knights  of  Labor. 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen :     The  one  great  purpose  of  our  lives  is 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  45 

to  secure  the  greatest  amount  of  happiness  we  can  at  the  least  ex- 
pense to  ourselves,  and  the  greatest  expense  to  somebody  else.  In 
order  to  do  this  we  must  use  a  great  amount  of  policy  sometimes. 
A  person  to  be  successful  in  this  course  must  be  very  polite  to  every 
one,  never  giving  an  insult  and  never  taking  one,  and  especially  must 
he  be  very  sweet  to  all  the  children.  The  dirtier  they  are  the  more 
attention  must  they  receive,  for  through  the  children  he  will  reach 
the  heart  of  the  mother,  and  when  he  has  once  captured  that  fort- 
ress he  can  bombard  the  rest  of  the  family  with  soft-soap  bubbles — 
they  are  cheap  things  to  use  in  such  an  attack,  as  the  principal  in- 
gredient in  'em  is  wind.  When  he  has  got  all  the  families  in  the 
neighborhood  to  say,  '  He  is  such  a  nice  man,'  '  He  is  a  perfect  gentle- 
man,' and  the  young  ladies  to  say,  •  He  is  too  sweet  for  anything,' 
he  has  succeeded  in  placing  himself  in  a  position  where  he  can  com- 
mand all  the  happiness  he  desires  with  scarcely  any  expense  to  him- 
self, but  almost  entirely  at  the  expense  of  his  many  friends.  If  he 
wants  to  borrow  money  they  are  ready  to  lend  it  to  him.  If  he  has 
any  big  scheme  on  foot  whereby  he  has  nothing  to  lose,  but  every- 
thing to  gain,  he  has  but  to  spin  out  his  web  and  make  it  look  very 
fine  and  very  secure,  and  then  say,  '  Come  into  my  parlor,'  and  they 
will  just  as  surely  walk  in,  as  he  invites  'em.  So  if,  as  I  said,  the  ob- 
ject in  life  is  to  secure  the  greatest  amount  of  happiness  at  the  least 
expense,  I  have  hinted  to  you  a  plan  which  any  of  you  can  act  upon 
with  sure  results. 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen :  Again  I  have  forgot  the  occasion 
upon  which  we  have  met,  and  I  humbly  beg  your  pardon.  This  is 
a  part  of  a  speech  I  delivered  at  a  society  meeting  when  I  was  in 
college,  known  as  the  Phi  Kappa  Society  ;  none  but  gentlemen  were 
members. 

"  The  fact  is,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  it's  rather  embarrassing  to 
make  a  speech  without  any  previous  preparation  ;  a  fellow  is  so  apt 
to  run  right  into  something  he  has  said  on  another  occasion.  I  will, 
however,  try  once  more,  and  if  possible,  avoid  the  switches  and 
keep  the  main  track. 


46  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen :  We  have  met  upon  a  most  solemn 
occasion.  That  monster,  who  is  everywhere  and  by  all  men,  in  all 
nations  and  climes,  and  under  all  circumstances  most  dreaded,  who 
goes  through  the  land  principally  riding  a  pale  horse,  and  carries  a 
sickle  in  his  right  hand,  has  passed  through  our  peaceful  land,  and 
taken  from  us  the  man  most  dear  to  our  country,  without  whom  we 
never  would  have  been  a  country,  as  he  was  the  father  of  it — George 
Washington — and  our  temples  throb  with  pain  and  our  hearts  sink 
within  us  as  the  teardrops  fill  our  eyes  " — At  this  point  in  his  speech 
some  one  said,  "  Rats !  rats !"  'Square  Big  says,  "  Excuse  me,  ladies 
and  gentlemen,  where  are  they?  I  didn't  see  'em. 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen :  Please  pardon  me  again  for  such  a 
fearful  break.  I  got  to  thinking  of  my  early  school  days,  and  was 
giving  one  of  J.  Q.  Adams'  favorite  speeches  on  the  death  of  our 
noble  George.  I  will  avoid  further  departure  from  what  I  ought 
to  say. 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen :  We  have  met  in  this  pleasant  parlor 
by  special  invitation  of  one  of  the  fairest  young  ladies  of  this 
county,  Miss  Mary  Morgan,  to  enjoy  ourselves  in  a  social  capacity, 
and  each  one  present,  I  have  no  doubt,  can  say  with  me,  '  I  am  glad 
I  come.'  These  social  -gatherings  are  good  things  to  bind  us  to- 
gather  as  friends  and  neighbors,  to  cheer  each  other,  and  there  is 
no  place  in  this  part  of  the  country  where  we  are  more  heartily 
welcomed  than  right  here — right  in  this  big,  square  room  where 
Benjamin  Morgan  lost  his  first  wife  with  the  measles,  and  where  .he 
brought  his  present  wife,  the  best  woman  in  the  State  of  New  York, 
Clarissa  Snodgrass  Morgan,  to  be  his  consort  through  life. 

"  The  hospitality  of  this  house  is  known  as  far  as  they  are 
known,  and  this  evening  will  always  be  remembered  as  the  happiest 
of  my  whole  life." 

"  Look  here,  Bascom  Bigler,"  said  Mariah,  "  you've  told  that 
same  story  about  being  the  happiest  time  in  your  life  a  dozen  times, 
and  at  every  place  we've  been  to  You  told  it  to  me  when  you 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


47 


courted  me,  and  the  day  we  was  married  you  told  it  again  ;  and  I  think 
it's  pretty  nigh  time  to  quit  telling  such  lies.' 

Clarissa  said,  "  Mariah,  you  mustn't  mind  that,  although  I  don't 
blame  you  a  mite  for  condemning  deceitfulness.  I  believe  it  is  the 
wickedest  thing  one  can  practice ;  but  he  is  only  giving  us  a  novel 
— pretty  words  to  hear,  but  nothing  but  a  story  after  all." 


ZOLLIVER    RAMSDELL   AND    NANCY   BOYLES   SPARKING. 

Yes,  'Squire  Big's  speech  was  only  a  little  speech,  but  he  pur- 
sued a  line  of  policy  in  it  that  shadowed  his  future  course  in  life. 
We  will  see  what  his  sham  led  him  to,  and  its  results. 

All  the  while  we  was  being  entertained  with  music,  speeches, 
plays,  etc.,  Nancy  Boyles  and  Zolliver  Ramsdell  got  into  a  corner  be- 
hind the  big,  tall  stove  and  sparked  the  whole  evening.  I  guess  they 
had  as  happy  a  time  as  any  one  of  the  party.  There  was  one  little 


48  SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

black-eyed  lady  that  cast  curious  glances  toward  the  stove  fre- 
quently, and  that  was  Lily  Doolittle.  Poor  Lily  is  a  awful  good 
little  soul,  and  as  nice  as  anybody  can  be  ;  but  somehow,  everybody 
that  wants  to  go  with  her  she  rejects,  and  everybody  she  wants  to 
have  accompany  her,  rejects  her,  and  she  is  gradually,  if  not  with 
greater  speed,  sliding  down  on  the  shady  side  of  the  matrimonial 
pyramid. 

Sarah  Smuggins  was  trying  to  look  pretty  and  agreeable ;  but 
I  don't  remember  of  only  one  gentleman  who  had  the  disposition 
and  courage  to  enter  into  a  conversation  with  her,  and  that  was 
Bigler.  After  he  delivered  his  speech  she  told  him  all  the  men  was 
acting  on  his  line  of  policy.  She  knew  'em,  and  they  was  all  alike, 
just  like  bees;  they'd  buzz  around  the  clover  blossom  till  it  was  a 
little  faded,  and  then  fly  off  to  some  other  new  blossom.  There  was 
no  dependence  to  be  placed  upon  'em. 

I  overheard  the  'Squire  say  to  her,  "  Miss  Smuggins,  that  is 
perfectly  natural ;  when  the  bee  has  extracted  all  the  honey  from  the 
flower,  and  begins  to  taste  the  bitter,  it  can't  stand  it,  and  must  leave 
for  sweeter  blows.  There  are  some  flowers  the  bees  light  on  that 
haven't  a  mite  of  honey  in  'em,  and  the  bees  don't  dwell  long 
enough  to  argue  the  case,  while  there  are  other  flowers  that  the 
bees  linger  around  long  after  they  are  faded,  and  seem  loth  to  give 
'em  up,  even  after  the  flower  is  dead.  It  ain't  very  good  logic  for 
the  bitter  blossoms  to  condemn  the  bee,  when  one  sip  from  its  cup 
of  life  would  be  death  to  the  bee,"  and  the  'Squire  excused  himself 
in  his  smiling  manner,  and  sought  the  company  of  Clarissa. 

I  noticed  Sarah  seemed  to  be  in  a  meditating  mood.  Perhaps 
she  may  change  her  ideas  of  things  yet ;  stranger  things  than  that 
have  happened. 

It  was  time  for  the  company  to  go  home,  and  while  they  were 
getting  on  their  things  and  passing  around  the  good-byes,  Ebenezer 
Plunket  said  he  was  requested  to  give  notice  that  there  would  be 
literary  exercises  at  the  Waddles  Corners  schoolhouse  next  Friday 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  49 

evening,  and  the  new  teacher,  Timothy  Brown,  would  like  to  have 
all  come  that  took  an  interest  in  intellectual  advancement.  The  ex- 
ercises would  be  of  a  promiscuous  character,  and  the  teacher  de- 
signed to  organize  a  permanent  lyceum  in  order  to  promote  and 
stimulate  mental  culture,  not  only  among  the  children,  but  the  pa- 
rents and  citizens  of  that  vicinity.  The  exercises  would  commence 
precisely  at  8  o'clock.  •  f 

After  the  company  had  all  gone,  and  peace  and  quiet  was  again 
restored,  and  the  lights  blew  out,  Clarissa  and  I  went  to  bed.  We 
got  to  talking  about  the  affair  to  take  place  at  the  schoolhouse,  and 
wondered  what  it  would  be.  Clarissa  said,  "  I  wonder  if  they  will 
spell  down  ?  If  they  do,  Ben,  I  suppose  you  and  I  will  be  the  cham- 
pions ;  for  you  know,  you  and  I  used  to  spell  anything  and  every- 
thing down  twenty  years  ago.  Now,  if  they  should  do  that,  and 
we  should  be  the  last  ones  standing,  one  of  us  had  better  miss  a 
word  on  purpose,  so  as  not  to  tire  them  out  waiting  for  us."  I 
agreed  I'd  miss  a  word  for  her  benefit,  and  we  went  to  sleep. 

Along  in  the  night  I  heard  Clarissa  talking  out  loud  in  her 
sleep,  and  it  waked  me  up.  She  very  frequently  talks  in  her  sleep, 
especially  if  anything  is  weighing  on  her  mind.  In  accents  that 
would  wring  pity  from  a  stone,  these  feeling  lines  poured  forth 
from  her  lips : 

«  For  in  my  heart  I  felt 
If  Benjamin  had  misspelt 
That  word  on  which  he  dwelt, 
I  would  have  won  the  belt."  * 


5O  SHAMS;  OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 


CHAPTER  VI. 

§LARISSA  and  I  went  down  to  the  Waddles  Corners  school- 
house,  Friday  evening,  in  pretty  good  season,  so  as  to  be  sure 
of  a  seat,  for,  as  a  general  rule,  when  there's  any  doings  in  the 
country  school-houses,  they  are  packed  full. 

We  wasn't  a  mite  too  early  this  time,  for  in  less  than  fifteen 
minutes  after  we  got  there  the  house  was  just  crowded  full,  and 
there  was  a  good  many  that  could  not  get  in  at  all. 

Mr.  Brown  called  them  to  order  by  a  few  taps  of  the  bell,  and 
then  said  in  a  very  polite  and  gentlemanly  manner  : 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen :  My  purpose  in  calling  you  together 
this  evening  is  two-fold.  First,  that  I  might  become  acquainted 
with  you.  Second,  and  this  is  the  principal  reason,  to  organize  in 
your  community  a  literary  society  or  lyceum,  for  the  purpose  of 
stimulating  a  desire  for  study  and  self-culture.  An  institution  of 
this  kind  will  be  of  incalculable  benefit  to  the  young  people,  and  also 
to  you  older  ones,  to  come  together  once  a  week  and  discuss  ques- 
tions of  more  or  less  importance,  prepare  essays,  deliver  original 
speeches,  and  enliven  the  exercises  with  music ;  it  will  serve  to  develop 
and  strengthen  the  mental  powers,  make  you  more  independent  and 
give  you  something  to  think  of  during  the  week,  and  withal,  furnish 
a  proper  amusement. 

"  I  think  you  will  all  readily  agree  with  me  that  it  is  a  good  thing 
for  us  to  do.  Some  of  you  may  feel  a  little  timid  at  first  about  tak- 
ing an  active  part  in  it,  for  fear  you  can't  say  things  as  you  would 
like  to,  and  think  some  one  will  laugh  at  you.  Well,  this  is  just  the 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  51 

place  for  us  to  learn  how  to  speak  freely  and  express  our  views,  and 
it  matters  not  if  we  do  get  laughed  at ;  it  won't  hurt  us  a  particle. 
It  is  always  our  turn  next,  and  we  can  laugh  at  those  that  laugh  at 
us ;  and  by  doing  the  best  we  can  after  a  while  they  won't  laugh  at 
us,  and  we  will  be  able  to  command  the  respect  of  people  when  we 
engage  in  the  discussion  of  any  question 

"  The  person  who  educates  himself  to  properly  argue  a  question, 
arranges  his  proofs  so  as  to  have  them  at  his  command  like  so  many 
well-drilled  soldiers,  can  use  them  as  he  desires,  and  always  has  the 
advantage  over  one  who  has  not  had  that  training  and  education. 
All  through  life  we  will  find  plenty  of  occasions  to  use  just  what  all 
of  us  can  learn  in  a  lyceum  such  as  I  desire  you  to  enter  into  here, 
and  keep  up. 

"  Now  before  we  proceed  further  I  am  going  to  put  it  to  a  vote, 
and  I  don't  want  any  one  to  vote  'Yes'  unless  you  are  willing  to  take 
hold  and  work  in  it.  Now,  all  that  are  in  favor  of  organizing  a  ly- 
ceum here,  to  be  known  as  the  Waddles  Corners  Lyceum,  please 
manifest  it  by  saying  '  Yes.'  " 

There  was  a  tremendous  response  of  "Yes"  all  over  the  house. 

"All  that  are  opposed  to  it  will  say  'No.'  "  But  there  was  not 
a  response. 

"The  question  being  carried  by  a  unanimous  vote,  I  will  sug- 
gest one  week  from  to-night  as  the  time  to  meet  in  this  house  and 
organize,  elect  officers,  and  adopt  a  constitution  and  by-laws. 

"Now,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  we  will  have  a  sort  of  a  variety 
entertainment  to-night.  I  have  arranged  a  programme  as  follows : 

"  First,  Music. 

"  Second,  Debate.  Question :  Which  is  the  most  beneficial  to 
people,  the  lawyers  or  the  doctors?  Limited  to  half  an  hour. 

"  Third,  A  spelling  match,  to  last  twenty  minutes. 

"  Fourth,  Speech  by  Rev.  Jonas  Danberry. 

"Fifth,  Essay  by  Miss  Julia  Spear,  and  lastly, 

"  Music." 


52  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 

It  had  been  arranged  to  have  Melancthon  Stevens,  Ebenezer 
and  Mary,  and  Mrs.  Lucas  supply  the  music,  and  an  organ  was  got 
for  the  occasion. 

They  proceeded  at  once  to  sing  and  play,  "  What  are  the  Wild 
Waves  Saying,"  and  "Tit-willow."  The  last  piece  Ebenezer  sung 
alone. 

Mr.  Brown  selected  as  principal  disputants  in  the  debate,  George 
Waddles  and  Tom  Clark.  (Tom  Clark  is  a  young  man  that's  been 
away  to  a  medical  school  studying  to  be  a  doctor,  and  was  at  home 
on  a  vacation.)  The  question  was  stated  as  follows :  Resolved,  That 
lawyers  are  more  beneficial  to  the  people  at  large  than  doctors. 
George  Waddles  took  the  affirmative,  and  Tom  Clark  the  negative 
side.  George  chose  'Squire  Bigler  as  his  assistant,  and  Clark 
selected  Ebenezer  Plunket  as  his.  I  was  appointed  as  judge. 

Waddles  aint  much  of  a  speaker,  but  he  done  his  best  at  it.  He 
begun,  and  said  : 

"  Mr.  Chairman,  and  Fellow  Citizens;  Lawyers  is  necessary  to 
preserve  the  rights  of  the  people.  Everybody  knows  we  have  laws, 
lots  of  laws ;  but  there  aint  one  in  a  hundred  that  knows  what  the 
laws  be,  nor  what  rights  they  have  got  under  'em,  and  they  haint 
got  time  to  study  'em,  and  wouldn't  know  much  more  about  'em 
after  they'd  studied  'em  than  before,  and  it  is  necessary  that  some 
one  should  make  it  their  special  business  and  be  able  to  tell  the 
people  what  rights  they  had,  and  what  they  haint,  in  order  to  keep 
'em  from  doing  wrong  and  getting  into  trouble.  Lawyers  is  the 
ones  to  do  that  business,  and  they  stand  as  garden  angels,  so  to  speak, 
of  the  rights  and  liberties  of  the  people.  But  the  doctors  is  a  reg- 
ular set  of  humbugs,  and  most  of  'em  is  quacks.  Them  as  aint  reg- 
ular quacks  go  off  to  some  school  and  raise  Old  Harry  a  cutting  up 
all  sorts  of  tricks,  and  steal  some  dead  bodies  and  carry  them  off  in 
some  attic,  and  cut  'em  all  up  and  find  out  how  they  are  made ;  and 
then  they'll  get  some  recipes  for  curing  some  diseases,  and  then 
they'll  manage  one  way  and  another  to  get  the  teachers  in  the  school 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


53 


to  give  'em  a  certificate  and  then  they'll  go  out  into  some  town  or 
village,  or  city,  and  hire  a  room  up  stairs  over  some  drugstore,  or  as 
nigh  to  it  as  they  can,  and  get  some  bones  and  an  old  skull,  and  a 
lot  of  books  and  spread  'em  around  the  room  and  call  it  an  office, 
and  stick  out  a  sign  and  call  themselves  doctors.  They  look  won- 
derful wise,  and  by-and-by  some  one  gets  sick  and  sends  in  a  hurry 
after  a  doctor.  The  messenger  runs  into  his  office  and  says : 


DOCTOR'S  OFFICE. 


"  '  Mrs.  So-and-so  wants  you  to  come  right  out  to  her  house  quick ; 
she's  powerful  sick.' 

"  The  doctor  hitches  up  his  horse  and  puts  his  bag  of  medicine 
in  his  gig  and  drives  out  at  a  terrible  speed  to  the  house.  He  goes 
in  as  though  he  owned  the  place  ;  is  shown  into  the  sick-room.  He 
takes  a  chair  very  deliberately,  sets  down  by  the  bedside  and  looks 
wonderful  wise,  and  says  to  the  woman,  'Are  you  sick?'  and  she 


54  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

will  say,  '  Yes,  doctor,  I  am  terrible  sick ;  can't  you  do  something 
for  me  right  away,  I'm  in  such  pain." 

"  '  Let  me  see  your  tongue,'  he'll  say,  '  and  let  me  feel  your 
pulse.'  And  then  he'll  ask  her  all  kinds  of  questions ;  and  then 
he  11  guess  what  ails  her,  and  give  her  a  lot  of  medicine,  and  go 
back  to  his  office  and  put  down  in  his  ledger,  '  Mrs.  So-and-so, 
debtor,  to  one  visit,  $10.' 

"  If  he  finds  out  Mrs.  So-and-So  is  pretty  well  off,  and  has  consid- 
erable influence  in  the  community,  he  will  use  harmless  medicines, 
so  far  as  he  knows  about  them,  and  manage  to  get  out  to  see  her  at 
least  once  a  day.  as  long  as  he  thinks  he  can  keep  her  along,  out  of 
danger  and  out  of  recovery.  Every  day  he  makes  a  new  guess  as  to 
what  ails  her,  and  tries  a  new  remedy.  And  so  he  goes  along  with 
her  and  all  the  rest  of  his  patients,  a'  guessing  what  ails  'em,  and 
a'  guessing  when  and  where  he'll  get  his  pay. 

"  The  fact  is,  they  are  a  lot  of  guessers,  a'  speculating  on  peo- 
ple's misfortunes.  More  persons  that  get  sick  and,  from  some  cause 
or  other,  have  to  go  without  a  doctor,  get  well  than  them  that  gets 
doctors.  And  that  fact  proves  beyond  any  question  of  doubt  that 
doctors  is  shams  and  humbugs,  and  is  not  beneficial  to  the  people, 
while  everybody  knows  that  we  couldn't  live  in  safety  and  happi- 
ness twenty-four  hours  without  lawyers;  and,  therefore,  Mr.  Judge, 
you'll  have  to  decide  this  question  in  favor  of  the  affirmative." 

George  took  his  seat  amid  cheers.  This  was  the  greatest  effort 
of  his  life,  and  evidently  he  felt  that  he  had  achieved  a  victory, 
before  the  other  side  was  heard  from. 

Young  Tom  Clark  arose,  and  in  a  calm  and  pleasing  manner 
said:  "Honorable  Judge,  Ladies  and  Gentlemen:  The  gentleman 
who  has  been  addressing  you  evidently  is  better  acquainted  with 
agricultural  pursuits  than  either  the  legal  or  medical  professions, 
otherwise  he  would  never  have  made  such  erroneous  statements, 
or  jumped  at  such  rash  conclusions.  It  is  a  plain  fact  that  law- 
yers, instead  of  being  the  preservers  of  the  rights  of  the  people,  are 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


55 


the  great  disturbers  of  their  rights.  They  make  it  their  special  busi- 
ness to  counsel  men  to  all  kinds  of  quarrels  and  fusses,  so  they  can 
charge  an  exorbitant  fee  for  defending  persons  from  a  difficulty  they 
have  got  them  into  by  their  advice. 

"  It  isn't  safe  nowadays  for  a  man  of  property  to  make  a  will 
and  die,  or  die  without  one,  for,  as  sure  as  he  does,  a  lot  of  lawyers 
will  buzz  around  some  of  his  heirs  and  get  them  to  bust  up  the  will. 
They  will  gather  around  that  estate  like  so  many  hungry  buzzards 


BUZZARDS   AND    CARCASS. 


around  a  carcass,  and  they'll  linger  around  it  until  every  dollar  is 
consumed,  and  then  the  poverty-stricken  heirs  can  go  to  the  Devil, 
for  all  they  care.  They  are  grand  preservers  of  the  people's  rights, 
aint  they?  Show  me  a  single  right  that  some  of  them  have  not 
trampled  upon.  I  will  admit  there  are  a  good  many  things  a  law- 
yer can  dp  that  will  benefit  some,  once  in  a  while,  and  also  that 
there  are  some  very  honorable  lawyers,  but  not  many.  The  great 
run  of  them  are  figuring  all  the  time  how  they  can  thrive  upon  the 
misfortunes  and  errors  of  others.  You  go  to  a  lawyer  and  state 


56  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

your  case  to  him  plainly,  he  will  turn  his  hawkeye  on  you  in  a  min- 
ute, and,  by  inquiries  or  other  means,  see  right  down  through  you  into 
the  bottom  of  your  pockets,  and  if  he  finds  them  lean  and  no  back- 
ing visible,  he  will  tell  you  that  your  case  is  a  hopeless  one,  and  will 
advise  you  to  drop  it  or  settle  it,  as  the  case  may  be;  or,  if  he 
thought  he  had  a  good  show  to  get  the  other  side  of  the  case,  he 
will  send  you  to  some  other  poor  lawyer.  But,  if  he  sees  your 
pockets  are  full  and  fat  with  the  world's  inspiration,  money,  right  or 
wrong,  it  matters  not  to  him,  he  will  tell  you  that  you  have  got  a 
strong  case  ;  that  you  can  win,  and  will  advise  you  by  all  means  to 
push  it.  And  so  the  sham  will  urge  you  to  do  what  he  knows  you 
have  no  right  to  do,  and  then  talk  about  being  the  preservers  of  the 
people's  rights !  Call  'em  '  garden  angels ! '  I  think  I  can  imagine  one 
of  'em  flying  around  us  now,  with  a  large  bald  head  and  heavy,  droop- 
ing eyelids,  a  ponderous  stomach,  and  spoons  sticking  out  from 
under  his  wings  and  around  his  neck,  suspended  by  a  white  ribbon 
(the  emblem  of  purity),  a  gold  medal,  with  engraven  thereon  the 
monogram  B.  F.«  B.  If  we  had  one  lawyer  where  we  now  have 
2,000,  the  people  would  feel  comparatively  happy..  There  wouldn't 
be  half  so  many  fusses,  and  those  who  are  wrongfully  inclined 
wouldn't  feel  that  they  had  a  good  legal  rascal  to  help  'em  out. 

"  Our  friend  Waddles  may  be  better  acquainted  with  them  in 
the  future.  He  may  find  some  of  them,  if  not  a  good  many,  haven't 
got  their  wings  yet.  He  shows  equal  amount  of  ignorance  in  re- 
gard to  the  medical  fraternity.  That  there  are  some  quacks,  I'm 
willing  to  admit;  but  a  counterfeit  dollar  always  gives  evidence 
that  there  are  genuine  dollars.  So,  a  quack  doctor  is  a  standing 
witness  that  there  are  genuine  physicians.  I  have  but  to  cite  you 
to  one  to  prove  my  point  conclusively,  namely :  That  the  doctors 
are  more  beneficial  to  the  human  race  than  lawyers,  and  that  is,  the 
Saviour  himself.  He  went  about  as  the  great  physician,  curing  the 
deaf  and  the  blind,  healing  the  sick,  cleansing  the  leper,  and  causing 
the  lame  to  walk ;  and  from  that  day  to  this,  all  along  the  way,  his- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  57 

tory  tells  us  of  the  millions  that  have  been  cured,  or  have  been  made 
easy,  and  whose  lives  have  been  prolonged  by  the  aid  of  the 
physician. 

"  The  class  Mr.  Waddles  has  been  referring  to,  I  think,  must  be 
quacks,  for  the  thoroughly  educated  doctor  knows  what  he  is  doing, 
and  doesn't  have  to  guess.  There  is  no  class  of  people  in  the  wide 
world  whose  mission  is  so  directly  to  benefit  the  people,  while  they  are 
indirectly  benefited  themselves,  as  the  doctors. 


A  "GARDEN  ANGEL." 

"  Honorable  Judge,  Ladies  and  Gentlemen,  with  this  plain  state- 
ment of  the  case,  I  am  willing  to  leave  the  decision  in  your  hands." 

The  thirty  minutes  allowed  for  the  debate  had  already  expired, 
therefore  Bigler  and  Plunket  didn't  get  a  opportunity  to  discuss  the 
question,  but  the  teacher  appointed  them  as  captains  to  choose 
sides  for  the  spelling,  which  was  to  take  place  immediately.  Ebenezer 
had  the  first  choice,  and  Bigler  the  second.  Ebenezer  chose  on  his 
side— me,  Sarah  Smuggins,  George  Waddles,  Tom  Clark,  Zolliver 


58  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 

Ramsdell,  Mary  Morgan,  and  a  lot  more.  Bigler  had  on  his  side — 
Clarissa,  Peleg  Tomkins,  Mehitable  Green,  Abby  Standish,  Nancy 
Boyles,  and  a  lot  more.  When  all  was  ready,  the  teacher  put  out 
the  words.  The  first  word  was  Plough,  a  verb,  and  'Squire  Bigler 
spelled  P-1-o-u-g-h,  plow.  The  next  was  "rough"  and  Ebenezer 
spelled  r-o-u-g-h,  ruf.  The  next  was  "  cow,"  and  Clarissa  thought 
that  if  'Squire  Bigler  was  right  in  spelling  "plow"  she  thought  she 
would  be  correct  in  spelling  it  "  c-o-u-g-h,  cow;"  and  the  teacher 
bawled  out — 

"  Next." 

I  don't  think  I  ever  saw  Clarissa's  face  more  carroty-colored  in 
my  life  ;  and  she  sat  down  with  a  visible  surprise  in  her  complexion. 
While  Clarissa  was  sitting  down,  Ebenezer  whispered  to  me : 

"C-o-w ;"  and  I  spake  up  loud  and  said — 

"  Well,  my  opinion  is  that  that  animal  ought  to  be  spelled  with 
a  'k;'  but  the  way  is  C-O  W,  cow  "  and  for  once  I  felt  proud  to 
think  I  had  beaten  Clarissa,  as  she  always  conveys  the  idea  that  I 
am  honest  but  not  very  smart. 

Several  words  went  around,  till  it  came  to  my  turn,  when  the 
teacher  called  out  Chicago ;  and  I  asked  him  if  we  had  got  that  far 
from  home  so  soon — there  was  such  a  humming  and  noise  that  I  didn't 
know  but  that  we  was  on  a  lightning  express  train. 

"  No,  Mr.  Morgan,"  he  said ;  "  if  you  can't  spell  the  word,  sit 
down." 

He  spoke  so  mighty  smart  it  made  me  mad  ;  and  I  said,  "  Any 
fool  can  spell  that  word.  I  spell  it,  s-h-e-c-a-w-g-o ;"  and  he  yelled 
out: 

"  Next,"  with  a  broad  grin  on  his  face ;  and  I  sat  down.  Peleg- 
Tomkins  spelled  it  "  C-h-i-c-a-g-o ;"  and  the  teacher  said  Correct,  and 
looked  at  me  with  a  grin. 

It  made  me  mad;  and  I  said,  "Didn't  I  say  any  fool  could 
spell  it ;  I  didn't  try  to  spell  it  right ;  for  I  wanted  to  see  what  fool 
would  spell  it."  That  made  Peleg  hot,  and  he  said, — 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  59 

"  If  it  wa'n't  for  the  respect  I  have  for  Clarissa  Morgan  I'd  show 
these  folks  what  a  smart  husband  she  had." 

Clarissa  spoke  up  and  said,  "  La  me,  Peleg,  don't  mind  Benja- 
min ;  that's  the  way  he  always  does  when  he  gets  in  a  tight  place 
and  don't  know  how  to  get  out.  He  couldn't  spell  Chicago  right 
more'n  he  could  play  music  out  of  that  organ ;"  and  Clarissa  seemed 
to  glory  in  my  downfall ;  and  her  remarks  just  caused  a  perfect  up- 
roar of  laughter;  but  I  didn't  feel  a  mite  like  laughing.  I  was 
fighting  mad  ;  but  I  concluded  to  keep  cool  and  not  show  it.  Things 
didn't  pan  out  just  exactly  as  Clarissa  and  I  had  figured  they  would 
in  case  we  had  a  spelling  match ;  and  the  teacher  kind  o'  nettled  me. 

George  Waddles  spelled  cattle,  Durham,  Holstein  and  money  all 
right ;  but  when  they  gave  him  the  word  religion  he  sat  down ;  he 
couldn't  spell  it  right,  although  the  teacher  gave  him  two  chances 
on  it.  I  concluded  that  a  man  could  spell  any  word  right  that  his 
whole  heart  is  interested  in  ;  but  that  he  is  liable  to  miss  words  that 
doesn't  so  particularly  interest  him,  but  which  may  represent  a  side- 
show to  his  main  attraction. 

Now,  I  couldn't  no  more  miss-spell  Clarissa  Snodgrass  Morgan 
than  I  could  go  to  heaven  on  the  tail  of  a  kite,  for  the  reason  that 
she  is  my  main  attraction  in  life  and  my  whole  heart  is  interested  in 
her.  So,  in  my  mind,  it  was  perfectly  natural  for  George  Waddles 
to  spell  these  words  correctly ;  but  when  it  came  to  his  side-show, 
the  thing  he  uses  to  advertise  himself  as  honest,  so  he  can  make  a 
good  haul  out  of  the  people,  and  especially  the  Methodists,  religion, 
it  wasn't  so  familiar  to  him  and  he  went  down  on  it  as  quick  as  I  did 
on  Chicago. 

'Squire  Bigler  went  down  on  the  very  next  word  after  "  reli- 
gion," honesty.  He  spelled  policy  all  right,  but  honesty  was  too  much 
for  him,  and  he  slipped  down  on  it. 

Zolliver  Ramsdell  was  the  last  man  standing,  and  bore  off  the 
victor's  palm.  He  stood  up  for  some  time  after  the  rest  were  all 
down.  He  spelled  "  Boyles"  without  any  visible  pain,  but  when  it 


60  SHAMS  ;   OR,    UNCLE  BEN'S 

come  to  hairpin  he  went  down  quicker'n  lightning.  It  was  too 
much  for  him,  and  he  wilted  amid  roars  of  laughter ;  and  I  laughed 
this  time. 

The  teacher  asked  the  choir  to  favor  us  with  a  song — something 
familiar — and  all  to  join  in.  So  they  sung  "America." 

If  "  America  "  was  never  properly  executed  before,  it  certainly 
was  this  time.  Clarissa  said  (and  she  is  a  remarkably  good  singer), 

"  If  America  survives  she  needn't  fear  any  foreign  foe."  She 
has  survived,  I  am  happy  to  state,  and  as  one  of  her  family,  I  bid 
defiance  to  every  power  except  the  Almighty,  to  extinguish  her. 

After  peace  and  reason  was  once  more  regained,  and  the  house 
had  come  to  order,  Mr.  Brown  introduced  the  Rev.  Jonas  Danberry, 
pastor  of  the  Methodist  Church  down  to  the  village  (he  was  up  vis- 
iting Waddles),  who,  he  said,  could  give  us  a  short  speech  on  the 
importance  of  spelling. 

The  Reverend  D.  took  the  platform  by  the  teacher's  desk,  and 
said : 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen,  the  subject  of  spelling  is  a  very  im- 
portant one,  and  one  in  which  every  one  was  more  or  less  interested. 
Ahem !  ahem !  as  I  remarked,  spelling  is  a  very  important  subject. 
Ever  since  the  spell  when  the  Creator  said,  '  Let  there  be  light ;' 
ever  since  the  spell  when  he  said,  '  Let  there  be  a  firmament ;'  ever 
since  the  spell  when  he  said,  « Let  the  waters  be  divided  and  the 
dry  land  appear ;'  ever  since  the  spell  when  he  nailed  the  sun  and 
moon  and  stars  up  against  the  walls  of  the  sky  ;  ever  since  the  spell 
when  he  made  all  the  animals  on  the  earth,  and  in  the  waters,  and 
in  the  sky;  ever  since  the  spell  when  he  made  man  and  woman 
in  his  own  blessed  image,  down  to  the  time  when  Grant  said, 
/Let  us  have  a  spell  of  peace/  spelling  has  been  of  great  im- 
portance. Ahem !  ahem !  Had  the  spell  that  the  immortal 
Grant  suggested  been  adopted  before  Satan  rebelled  in  heaven ; 
had  that  spell  been  adopted  before  the  Babylonians  and  Assyrians 
had  their  falling  out  with  one  another ;  had  Alexander  the  Great 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES.  6l 

adopted  that  spell  before  he  invaded  Egypt ;  had  that  spell  been 
adopted  by  all  the  rulers  of  the  world,  from  its  first  springing  into 
existence  down  to  the  present  time,  the  world  would  have  been 
comparatively  peaceful ;  and  blessed  be  God,  millions  on  millions 
of  people  would  have  been  saved,  to  die  a  natural  death. 

"  My  friends,  you  can  all  see  the  importance  of  having  right 
spells;  but  how  are  we  to  have  right  spells  without  right  spelling? 

"  There  are  spells  in  every  one's  life  when  they  would  give  a 
great  deal  to  know  how  to  spell  right.  There  are  so  many  that 
can't  spell  right  that  the  wrong  spells  seem  to  control  their  actions 
through  life,  and  when  such  persons  come  down  to  the  spell  of  death, 
they  tremble  as  they  realize,  when  it  is  too  late,  that  they  have  got 
a  spell  of  powerful  hot  weather  before  them  that  will  last  through 
all  eternity. 

"  Therefore,  brethren  and  sisters,  and  friends  and  others,  see  to 
this  very  important  subject  of  spelling,  and  learn  to  spell  right,  that 
you  may  spend  the  spell  of  eternity  in  heaven  with  the  blood- 
washed  throng  that  have  spelled  their  titles  clear  to  mansions  in  the 
skies,  and  gone  home  to  glory,  to  sing  praises  to  the  Lamb,  and 
where  spelling  is  no  more. 

"  I  thank  you,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  for  your  kind  attention, 
and  bid  you  all  good-night." 

As  soon  as  the  reverend  had  finished  his  brief  spell  of  remarks, 
George  Waddles  moved  a  vote  of  thanks  to  the  minister  for  his  very 
able  address,  which  was  carried  by  a  great  majority,  as  nobody 
voted  against  it.  Clarissa  and  I,  however,  didn't  vote  for  it,  for  we 
couldn't  see  where  he  threw  any  light  on  correct  spelling,  nor  did 
he  even  so  much  as  touch  on  the  shams  in  spelling,  or  explain  why 
cow  and  plough  should  be  spelled  so  different,  as  c-o-w  for  one,  and 
p-1-o-u-g-h  for  the  other,  and  why  muff  and  rough  and  tough  and 
cuff  shouldn't  be  spelled  alike,  except  the  first  letter,  and  a  great 
many  other  words  spelled  one  way  and  pronounced  entirely  differ- 
ent. I'd  like  to  have  some  one  show  up  the  shams  of  English 
spelling. 


62 


SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BENS 


The  teacher  announced  that  Miss  Julia  Spear  would  read  an 
essay.  Miss  Spear  stepped  onto  the  platform  and  made  a  very  low 
"  bough,"  and  smiled  a  sort  of  a  store  smile,  such  as  clerks  behind 
the  counters  have  when  you  go  into  the  store,  ready-made  for  the 
occasion.  She  had  a  sort  of  cinnamon-rose  blush  on  her  cheeks ; 
but  I  am  inclined  to  think  it  was  a  sham  blush,  as  it  was  permanent, 


READING   THE   ESSAY. 


and  was  a  little  nearer  her  off  ear  than  her  nigh  one.  She  trem- 
blingly held  her  paper  in  front  of  her,  and  begun : 

"  I've  been  asked  to  write  a  essay,  but  I  don't  know  what  to 
write  about.  I've  thought  of  a  good  many  things,  but  I  don't  know 
what  to  write  about  any  of  them,  so  I  guess  I'll  write  a  little  about 
all  of  them. 

"  Spring  is  a  lovely  season  of  the  year.  Everything  dresses  up 
in  its  best  bib  and  tucker.  The  trees  and  meadows  put  on  new 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  63 

robes  of  fashionable  green,  and  trim  themselves  up  with  flowers. 
The  posy-beds  put  on  airs,  and  come  out  like  a  cheap  millinery 
window  in  full  blow.  The  cows  change  their  coats  and  pants  this  sea- 
son of  the  year,  and  the  girls  and  boys  all  get  on  new  clothes  and 
look  fresh  and  green,  while  all  nature  and  the  rest  of  the  folks 
smile.  The  church  is  crowded  in  the  evening  this  season  of  the 
year  with  all  kinds  of  girls,  who  go  to  show  off  their  pretty,  new 
things,  and  make  the  other  girls  envious  of  'em,  and  also  to  get  a 
beau  to  take  them  home. 

"  The  dudes  are  unusually  thick  around  the  church  doors  in 
spring.  They  seem  to  know  '  when  the  robins  nest  again,'  and  are 
on  hand  for  cherries. 

"  This  is  a  favorable  season  of  the  year  for  dudes  to  start  a  new 
moustache,  and  have  a  lawn-mower  run  over  their  heads,  and  get 
themselves  up  in  shape,  regardless ;  and  a  row  of  'em  at  the  front 
door  of  the  church,  and  on  the  street  corner,  look  as  pretty  as  a 
string  of  fresh  trout,  and  just  about  as  speckled.  Speaking  of  dudes, 
I  asked  Judge  Seavers,  of  Iowa,  whom  I  met  when  1  was  visiting  my 
cousin,  in  Des  Moines,  last  winter,  what  a  dude  was  (as  1  had  heard 
my  cousin  say  that  the  city  was  full  of  them,  and  I  didn't  know  then 
what  she  meant,  as  I  never  was  in  a  city  before).  He  said  they  were 
substitutes  for  dummies  used  by  clothing  merchants  in  front  of  their 
stores;  the  merchants  found  them  much  cheaper  than  the  dummies, 
as  they  were  living,  and  could  walk  around  town  by  the  aid  of  a 
cane ;  that  when  they  put  their  dressed  dummies  out  in  front  of 
their  stores,  they  had  to  chain  them  down  to  keep  the  folks  from 
carrying  them  off,  but  there  wasn't  the  least  mite  of  danger  of  any 
one  carrying  off  a  dude,  as  they  would  have  no  use  for  'em.  Joseph 
Cook  says  they  are  physical,  mental  and  moral  shams.  What  awful 
things  they  must  be !  It's  no  wonder  the  girls  fall  in  love  with 
them,  for  the  young  and  innocent  girls  are  such  sympathizing  creat- 
ures that  they  always  take  pity  on  the  poor  things  that  others  con- 
demn and  despise.  I  remember  we  had  a  real  pretty  dog  once. 


64 


SHAMS  ;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN  S 


He  would  play  around  the  house,  and  get  hold  of  mother's  ball  of 
yarn  when  she  was  knitting,  and  he  would  have  lots  of  fun  with  it ; 
but  father  tried  to  make  him  go  and  drive  some  cows  out  of  the  corn- 
field one  day,  and  he  couldn't  get  him  away  from  the  door-yard,  so 
he  got  mad  and  kicked  him,  and  it  just  made  me  awful  sorry  for 
poor  little  Fido,  and  I  went  and  got  him  in  the  house  and  rubbed 
some  cream  on  him  where  father  kicked  him,  and  so  I  know  how 
natural  it  is  for  girls  to  love  dudes. 

"  Fashion. — Fashion  is  the  art  of  doing  all  you  can  for  the  bene- 
fit of  the  dry  goods  dealer,  the  milliner  and  the  dressmaker,  regard- 


POOR   FIDO  ! 


less  of  your  own  comfort,  or  the  condition  of  your  father's  pocket- 
book  or  credit.  To  be  extremely  fashionable,  is  to  be  either  a  fool 
or  a  martyr — generally  the  latter.  Very  few  women  have  got  good 
enough  constitutions  to  be  fashionable  more'n  ten  years.  At  the 
end  of  that  time  they  are  in  the  hospital,  or  asylum,  or  a  fashion- 
able grave. 

"  Music. — Music  is  a  charming  sensation  when  it  is  properly 
made,  but  if  it  lacks  a  chord,  or  has  too  many  chords,  it  makes  you 
feel  as  if  a  drag  was  being  hauled  over  you,  and  has  a  tendency  to 
strain  your  nervous  system.  Young  ladies  are  supposed  to  be  lack- 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  65 

ing  if  they  are  not  accomplished  in  music.  Three-fourths  of  their 
time  should  be  devoted  to  it,  whether  they  can  tell  a  chord  from  a 
clothes-pin.  They  are  not  supposed  to  utilize  their  knowledge  for 
any  purpose  unless  their  folks  are  very  poor  and  they  are  obliged 
to  do  something  for  themselves. 

"  Manners. — Manners  is  to  know  how  to  behave  decent.  When 
you  go  into  a  stranger's  house  you  should  scrape  your  feet^on  the 
edge  of  the  porch  floor;  either  before  or  after  you  go  in,  remove 
your  hat  or  bonnet,  make  a  pretty  bow  and  smile  sweet,  and  shake 
hands  with  the  person  that  greets  you  at  the  door,  unless  it  should 
be  the  hired  girl,  at  which  time  you  are  not  expected  to  act  decent. 
If  you  should  call  durhig  house-cleaning  time,  and  meet  the  lady  of 
the  house  dressed  in  a  faded  calico  dress,  with  a  red  handkerchief 
pinned  around  her  head  and  some  crock  and  dirt  on  her  nose,  you 
can  treat  her  just  as  if  she  was  the  hired  girl,  and  after  you  have 
found  out  your  mistake  .you  can  take  your  time  in  studying  real 
manners  and  sham  manners. 

"  Money. — Money  is  the  most  powerful  lever  in  the  world.  With 
it  you  can  do  anything.  You  can  say  to  yonder  mountain,  'Be  ye 
cast  into  this  valley,'  and  your  command  will  be  obeyed.  You  can 
build  railroads,  tunnel  rivers,  speak  to  distant  countries  by  lightning 
power,  and  erect  palaces.  You  can  control  governments  and  manip- 
ulate the  courts  just  as  you  desire,  and  control  elections.  You  can 
command  the  attention  of  all  the  sycophants  of  the  country.  You 
can  buy  the  average  minister  to  pass  you  off  as  a  Christian,  and  at 
your  funeral  send  you  into  the  fair  kingdom.  In  fact,  you  can  get 
anything  you  want  except  one  thing,  which  money  can't  possibly 
buy — it  is  a  jewel  that  is  more  sparkling  and  radiant  than  the  most 
brilliant  diamond,  but  you  can't  get  it  with  any  kind  of  a  price. 
However,  you  and  all  of  us  can  have  it ;  it  is  a  true,  honest  and  up- 
right CHARACTER.  A  true  character  can  command  money. 

"  Politics.— Politics  is  a  fine  art,  and  one  that  requires  a  good  deal 
of  shrewdness  and  studying.  It  consists  of  a  thorough  knowledge 


66  SHAMS;     OR,    UNCLE   BEN*S 

of  how  to  bamboozle  the  people,  or,  in  other  and  more  comprehen- 
sive language,  how  to  pull  the  wool  over  the  eyes  of  the  people  so 
they  can  only  see  the  outside  of  you.  The  bold  outlines  in  this  art 
is  to  work  all  the  points  to  insure  the  candidate's  election.  The 
deep  shades  and  dark  background  is  the  principal  work  done  after 
he  is  elected. 

"The  United  States  has  got  within  its  borders  an  innumerable 
host  of  proficient  scholars  and  old  masters  in  the  school  of  politics. 
For.  hypocrisy  and  sham  they  excel  any  equal  number  to  be  found 
in  the  world. 

"  I  think  I  have  wrote  about  as  long  a  essay  as  I  ought  to  for  the 
first  one- in  my  life.  It  is  all  original  except  the  last  article  on  poli- 
tics ;  that  was  contributed  by  Gen.  J.  B.  Weaver,  who  once  upon  a 
time  had  his  name  printed  on  some  tickets  for  President  of  the 
United  States.  But  I  don't  suppose  any  of  you  remember  of  see- 
ing any  of  the  tickets.  Pa  says  he  is  a  great  deal  better  than  some 
folks  think  he  is ;  but  pa  says  the  trouble  is,  they  haint  anybody 
found  it  out. 

"  Time. — Time  is  a  thing  most  people  want  more  of  '  especially  if 
they  are  short  on  a  deal,'  as  Uncle  John  says  (he  is  a  dealer  in  grain 
in  Chicago).  It  is  like  charity  ;  it  covers  all  differences,  all  sorrows 
and  disappointments,  all  failures  in  life,  as  well  as  all  life's  joys,  in 
oblivion.  Time  flies,  and  it  is  time  for  me  to  close." 

She  closed  amidst  tremendous  applause.  The  exercises  closed 
with  music  from  the  four  musicians  I  mentioned  in  the  early  part  of 
this  chapter.  Just  before  we  was  dismissed,  the  teacher  announced 
a  course  of  lectures  to  be  given  in  this  schoolhouse,  commencing 
one  week  from  next  Monday  night,  on  Phrenology,  by  Professor 
Theodocius  Leviticus  Feeler,  of  Boston.  The  first  lecture  would 
be  free.  He  would  like  to  have  all  come. 

Mr.  Brown  also  announced  a  meeting  over  to  the  red  school- 

.  house  (which  is  about  a  mile  from  our  house)  next  Wednesday  night, 

at  which  time  the  presiding  elder  of  the  Methodist  Church  would 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  6/ 

preach.      There  would  be  a  prayer  and  conference  meeting  after 
preaching. 

To  spend  our  leisure  hours 

In  intellectual  bowers. 

And  strengthen  our  mental  powers, 

We  firmly  resolved, 
With  the  aid  of  Timothy  Brown, 
Who  came  from  Utica  town, 
We  surely  could  not  go  dow» 

Unless  we  dissolved. 


68  SHAMS;  OR,  UNCLE  BEN'S 


CHAPTER   VII. 

HE  exercises  at  the  schoolhouse  last  Friday  night  has  been  the 
subject  of  conversation  between  Clarissa  and  me  frequently, 
and  especially  the  spelling  part.  Things  didn't  turn  out  just 
as  we  had  calculated  on  before  we  went  there,  and  both  of  us  was  a 
little  disappointed.  She  says,  "  The  more  she  thinks  of  Danberry's 
speech,  the  more  dumbfounded  foolish  it  seems."  She  says,  "There 
isn't  a  mite  of  philosophy  in  it,  for  some  of  the  best  spellers  in  the 
world  are  the  meanest  kind  of  folks  that  ever  lived,  and  some  of  the 
best  folks  can't  spell  their  own  names  right.  I  know  I  mean  to  do 
my  duty  all  the  time,  and  I  up  and  spelled  cow  wrong ;  but  I  think 
my  chances  for  heaven  are  just  as  good  as  his  are.  I  believe  that 
education  is  a  good  thing — and  what  we  all  ought  to  encourage — 
yet  it  haint  going  to  make  angels  of  us,  nor  take  us  to  heaven,  un- 
less it  is  the  education  of  the  heart.  The  Bible  says,  'From  the  abund- 
ance of  the  heart  the  mouth  speaketh.'  If  the  heart  is  full  of  love 
and  kindness  and  charity  and  patience,  the  mouth  will  talk  all  right, 
the  hands  will  do  all  right,  and  the  feet  will  carry  you  straight  on 
the  road  to  heaven ;  but  if  the  heart  is  full  of  hypocrisy  and  mean- 
ness, and  all  kinds  of  cussedness,  and  the  head  full  of  right  spelling 
and  good  grammar,  when  its  owner  comes  down  to  the  door  of 
death,  he  will  be  very  apt  to  realize  that  the  atmosphere  in  the  next 
room  he  is  about  to  enter,  is  uncomfortably  hot,  if  there  is  any 
such  condition  of  things  to  await  the  soul  in  the  next  world,  about 
which  I  have  my  serious  doubts." 

While  Clarissa  was  thus  philosophizing   on    Rev.   Danberry's 
remarks,  some  one  knocked  on  the  front  door.     I  opened  the  door, 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  69 

and  who  was  there  but  Jim  Teeters  and  Betsey.  We  was  glad  to 
see  them,  and  had  them  come  right  in  and  take  off  their  things. 

Betsey  said,  "Jim  came  put  to  see  Benjamin  about  his  hogs,  and 
she  thought  she'd  come  along  for  a  ride,  and  have  a  little  visit  with 
Mrs.  Morgan  while  the  men  talked  business." 

Teeters  and  I  went  out  to  the  barn  and  put  his  horse  out  and 
fed  it.  Then  Teeters  says  to  me  : 


TEETERS   TALKS    OVER   THE   HOG    BUSINESS   IN    THE    BARN- 

"  Mr.  Morgan,  I  thought  I'd  come  out  and  see  if  you  still 
wanted  to  sell  your  hogs." 

I  told  him  "that  was  what  I  raised  them  for,  and. I  intended  to 
sell  'em,  but  I  hadn't  been  down  to  the  village  since  Clarissa  and  I 
was  at  his  house  to  dinner,  and  so  I  hadn't  sold  'em." 

"  Well,"  says  he,  "  do  you  still  want  three  and  a  quarter  cents 
for  'em?" 

I  said,  "  Yes." 

"  Says  he,  "Let's  go  out  and  look  'em  over." 

After  looking  them  over  pretty  carefully  he  said,  "  I  am  going 


70  SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

to  load  a  couple  of  cars  to-morrow  night  to  ship  to  Albany,  and  if 
you'll  drive  'em  down  to  the  village  to-morrow  so  as  to  get  there 
before  four  o'clock  in  the  afternoon  I'll  take  'em  at  your  price  and 
give  you  the  cash  for  'em  as  soon  as  they  are  weighed." 

I  told  him  I'd  try  to  get  there  by  that  time,  that  I'd  start  early 
in  the  morning  with  'em.  He  gave  me  sixty-one  dollars  to  bind 
the  bargain.  And  then  we  went  into  the  house.  Dinner  was  ready. 
We  had  a  good  visit  and  talked  over  neighborhood  and  village 
affairs,  and  Betsey  was  as  chipper  as  ever. 

After  they  went  home,  Clarissa  asked  me  if  I'd  sold  the  hogs  to 
Teeters. 

1  told  her  I  had. 

How  much  for,  she  wanted  to  know. 

I  told  her  just  what  I  asked  him  when  they  were  out  here  be- 
fore, three  and  a  quarter  cents  a  pound. 

"Well,"  said  Clarissa.  "If  Jim  Teeters  isn't  a  sharp  one  I'll 
miss  my  guess ;  he  haint  driv  out  here  for  nothing,  and  when  you  get 
down  to  the  village  with  the  hogs,  I  wouldn't  be  surprised  if  they 
wasn't  worth  a  great  deal  more,  and  he  has  figured  it  out  that  you 
haint  very  sharp  (which  is  too  true,  Ben),  and  probably  didn't  know 
what  hogs  was  worth,  and  he'd  make  a  good  speck  out  of  you." 

The  next  morning  I  and  Abe  and  the  hired  man  started  down 
with  the  hogs;  we  got  into  the  village  about  three  o'clock  P.  M. 
As  we  was  turning  the  corner  at  the  top  of  the  hill  going  down  into 
the  village  we  met  Teeters,  who  came  to  help  us  get  'em  through 
the  town  to  the  railroad  depot.  We  had  a  pesky  time  getting  the 
contrary  brutes  past  Totman's  old  tavern.  (It  is  hard  work  getting 
a  hog  by  a  tavern,  anyhow.) 

Before  I  got  to  the  depot  three  different  men  came  up  to  me 
and  said:  "Hello  there,  have  you  sold  them  ar  hogs?"  I  told 
them  yes. 

"  How  much  did  you  git?"  they  asked. 

"  How  much  will  you  give  ?"  said  I.     Each  one  of  'em  told  me 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  71 

they'd  give  me  five  cents  a  pound.  Then  I  found  out  Jim  Teeters' 
scheme.  My  hogs  weighed  just  15,616  pounds,  and  Teeters  paid 
me  for  them  just  $507.52,  and  they  was  worth  at  the  regular  market 
value  $780.80.  I  lost  $273.28  by  Teeters'  base  hypocrisy.  I  had 
made  a  bargain  with  Teeters,  and  I  wouldn't  back  out  for  two 
reasons :  one  was,  I  couldn't  if  I  wanted  to,  and  tother  was,  I 
was  honest,  and  always  mean  to  be  as  long  as  I  can.  1  hate  the  aw- 


DRIVING    THE    PESKY    BRUTES    BY    THE    TAVERN. 

fullest  kind  to  be  swindled  and  robbed  by  a  condemned  hypocrite, 
but  come  to  think  it  over,  I  don't  see  how  I  could  be  swindled  by 
any  body  else. 

On  my  way  home  I  meditated  considerable,  and  was  uneasy  in 
my  mind.  I  thought  of  that  passage  in  the  Bible  where  it  says: 
"  Unto  them  that  knows  something  shall  be  given  something  more, 
and  from  them  that  knows  nothing  shall  be  taken  what  little  bit  they  do 
know  and  given  to  them  that  knows  something,"  or  words  that  give 


72  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

the  reader  to  understand  that  that  is  the  intention  of  the  Almighty 
in  his  law  to  the  human  family.  I  felt  that  the  law  was  unjust,  hut 
nevertheless  inevitable,  and  I  had — not  for  the  first  time  in  my  life 
either,  but  about  the  hundredth  time — obeyed  the  law.  I  didn't 
know  scarcely  anything,  and  Jim  Teeters  was  mighty  smart  and 
knowing,  and  what  really  belonged  to  me,  $273.78  worth,  had  been 
transferred  from  me  to  him.  I  felt  that  I  was  every  day  losing  what 
little  sense  I  had,  and  now  I  was  losing  my  money,  too. 

I  didn't  want  to  tell  Clarissa  one  mite,  for  I  knew  she'd  show 
me  what  a  fool  I  was  getting  to  be  every  day,  and  then  I  hated  to  be 
taken  the  advantage  of  by  one  we  had  used  so  well,  on  such  a  short 
acquaintance. 

When  J  got  home  Clarissa  asked  me  how  I  got  along  with  the 
hogs.  I  just  told  her  all  about  it,  and  give  her  every  cent  I  got  for 
'em.  I  told  her  I  was  such  a  dumb  fool  that  it  wasn't  safe  for  me  to 
have  the  money,  for  I  was  liable  to  lose  it  any  minute,  and  I  knew  it 
was  safe  in  her  hands. 

Clarissa  saw  my  dejected  look,  and  she  was  real  sorry  for  me. 
She  spoke  in  a  tender  and  soothing  manner,  and  said  : 

"  Benjamin",  I'm  awful  sorry,  for  I  know  how  hard  you've  worked 
a-raising  them  hogs,  but  I  hain't  a-goin'  to  blame  you,  for  I  know 
you  are  a  honest  and  well-meanin'  man,  and  you  are  a  good  husband 
to  me,  but  I  think  Jim  Teeters  would  do  anything  that's  mean,  if  he 
could  make  anything  by  it,  and  I  knew  well  enough  he  had  some 
scheme  to  cheat  you  when  he  come  up  here  yesterday.  Now,  if 
you'll  let  me  make  the  bargains  for  you  hereafter,  I  believe  we'll 
make  more  money.  " 

I  fully  agreed  with  her,  and  have  turned  the  financial  part  of 
our  business  over  to  her,  and  have  once  more  obeyed  that  inevita- 
ble law.  I  think  I  will  be  much  happier  in  the  future,  to  have  the 
care  of  getting  swindled  off  my  mind.  I  am  more'n  ever  persuaded 
to  believe  that  Clarissa  is  a  true  philosopher,  and  when  she  said 
"  Jim  Teeters,  with  all  his  smartness,  hadn't  got  that  necessary  in- 
gredient to  wash  his  soul  from  sin,  "  she  spoke  the  truth. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  73 

Of  all  men  that  are  mean — the  meanest  is  the  one  that  will  steal 
from  you  under  the  clothes  of  friendship.  I  will  drop  Teeters  for 
the  present,  but  will,  no  doubt,  pick  him  up  again  somewhere  in  the 
future. 


74  SHAMS;    OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 


CHAPTER   VIII. 

EDNESDAY  night  I  hitched  up  the  old  mare  and  took 
Clarissa  over  to  the  red  schoolhouse  to  meeting.  Mary  got 
a  chance  to  ride  with  Ebenezer  Plunket.  We  was  in  time 
to  get  a  good  seat  pretty  well  up  in  front.  The  house  was  packed 
full  again  the  Presiding  Elder  came;  Elder  Danberry  and  Geo 
Waddles  came  along  with  him. 

Elder  Danberry  give  out  the  hymn  :  "  Come  thou  fount  of  every 
blessing."  Clarissa  haint  a  Methodist,  but  they  all  expected  her  to 
start  the  tune.  She  did  it,  and  it  sounded  real  good,  for  you  could 
hear  her  voice  above  all  the  other  women,  and  she  has  got  a  power- 
ful sweet  voice,  when  it's  in  tune.  She  took  along  a  pocketful  of 
peppermint  drops  to  keep  it  tuned  up  to  concert  pitch  and  make 
her  breath  smell  sweet. 

After  the  singing  was  done  and  Father  Emmons  over  in  the 
corner  had  rubbed  his  hands  and  groaned  and  shouted:  "  Amen  f 
blessed  fountain  !  "  Elder  Danberry  prayed. 

Now  I  don't  believe  in  making  light  of  religion,  for  to  me  when 
it  is  properly  understood,  it  is  the  most  important  subject  that  can 
interest  the  human  soul,  but  I  don't  believe  because  a  man  professes 
to  be  very  religious,  and  has  the  clothes  of  a  minister  onto  him,  that 
he  should  presume  so  much  upon  a  very  limited  acquaintance  with 
the  Almighty  as  to  ask  Him,  as  Elder  Danberry  did  in  his  prayer, 
to  come  right  down  that  minute,  bust  a  hole  right  through  the  roof 
of  this  house  and  come  right  in  here  and  take  every  sinner  here  by 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES. 


75 


the  hair  of  their  heads  and  convince  'em  of  sin  and  wickedness,  and 
make  'em  be  born  again.  And  a  whole  lot  more  stuff  that  I  think 
would  look  very  foolish  to  the  Lord.  In  the  first,  place  I  don't  think 
the  Lord  goes  around  this  world,  bustin'  holes  in  the  roofs  of  houses 
because  some  ignoramus  asks  Him  to,  however  earnest  the  ignoramus 
may  be.  In  the  second  place  I  don't  believe  the  Lord  has  to  take  sinners 


ELDER  DANBERRY. 

or  any  one  else  by  the  hair  of  their  heads  and  rattle  'em  up  in  order 
to  convince  them  of  sin.  In  the  third  place  I  don't  believe  the  Lord 
has  anything  to  do  with  convincing  people  of  sin  in  any  sudden  and 
startlin'  manner.  If  I  have  lied  about  anything  to  anybody,  or  been 
dishonest  or  mean,  low  and  wicked,  1  know  it  before  anybody  else 
does,  and  the  Lord  haint  got  to  tell  me  of  it  in  order  for  me  to  find 
it  out.  If  I  have  fallen  from  virtue  and  put  a  dark  stain  upon  my 
life,  I  am  the  very  first  person  that  will  be  aware  of  the  fact.  And 


76  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

if  I  want  to  be  forgiven,  I  must  go  to  them  that  I  have  sinned 
against  for  forgiveness.  I  must  go  to  them  and  not  expect  them  to 
come  to  me.  Every  sin  that  a  man  commits  is  against  the  divine 
law  of  God,  therefore,  if  we  want  full  pardon,  we  must  go  to  Him 
and  ask  it,  and  the  good  book  says  it  will  be  freely  granted. 

Elder  Danberry  in  his  prayer  wanted  the  Lord  to  do  all  the 
hard  and  dirty  work  of  running  around  to  all  the  mean,  low  and 
degraded  cusses  in  the  country  and  gather  them  up  in  His  tender 
arms  and  hug  'em.  He  wasn't  even  satisfied  with  that  request,  but 
presumed  the  Lord  didn't  know  how  to  do  His  work.  He  went  on 
telling  Him  how  to  do  it,  and  advised  Him  to  destroy  property  in 
order  to  get  inside  of  that  schoolhouse. 

Now  that  may  be  the  kind  of  religion  the  Lord  taught  while  on 
earth.  If  it  is  I  can't  read  the  Bible  straight. 

I  believe  that  kind  of  stuff  comes  nearer  blasphemy  than  any- 
thing else;  greater  reverence  for  the  Almighty  is  manifested  by  the 
poor  Hindoo  widow  that  casts  herself  upon  the  funeral  fire  of  her 
dead  husband,  than  is  shown  in  such  impudent  dictations  to  Him  in 
the  prayers  of  those  who  even  make  praying  part  of  their  regular 
business  for  a  living. 

Clarissa  said,  when  she  heard  me  criticising  Danberry's  prayer, 
that  I  was  too  severe.;  that  the  minister  used  them  expressions  in  his 
prayer  paregorically. 

"  Very  "well,"  I  replied,  "  too  much  paregoric  will  kill  the  pa- 
tient, or  even  the  oldest  inhabitant,  and  too  much  of  this  ministerial 
shamming  on  the  part  of  honest  ignoramuses  or  cunning  hypocrites 
would  kill  their  work." 

I  started  to  tell  you  about  this  meeting,  and  here  I've  been 
chasing  off  after  one  of  them  ideas  that  comes  up  in  front  of  me 
once  in  a  while. 

After  Elder  Danberry  was  through  praying  he  said,  "  Brethren 
and  sisters,  our  Presiding  Elder,  Brother  Jones,  will  preach  to  you 
this  evening,  and  after  the  sermon  we  will  take  up  a  collection  to 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


77 


help  pay  the  brother  his  quarterly  dues.  Remember,  '  the  Lord 
loveth  a  cheerful  giver.'  '  Cast  thy  bread  upon  the  waters,  and 
after  many  days  it  shall  return  to  thee.'  " 

Elder  Jones  is  a  portly  old  gentleman  with  silver  hair  and  long 
gray  beard  that  mark  well  into  threescore  and  ten  years.  He  has  a 
brindle  complexion  and  a  very  important  air  onto  him.  He  rose  up 
with  the  majesty  of  a  city  mayor,  and  after  carefully  looking  the 
audience  over,  said: 


PRESIDING   ELDER   JONES. 

"  Ahem  !  Ahem !  My  brothers  and  sisters,  you'll  find  the 
words  of  my  text  recorded  in  the  blessed  good  book  that  was  given 
to  us  that  we  might  know  the  way  of  life  and  salvation.  Yes, 
blessed  be  the  Lord,  you'll  find  my  text  in  the  holy  writ.  Yes,  praise 
his  name,  you'll  find  my  text  in  the  word  of  the  Almighty,  glory  be 
to  his  great  name.  You'll  find  the  words  of  my  text  in  the  Bible, 
'  book  divine ;  precious  treasure,  thou  art  mine.'  And  when  you 
find  'em  they'll  read  in  this  wise :  '  As  in  Adam  all  die,  even  so  in 
Christ  shall  all  be  made  alive.'  " 

"  Amen  !  Amen  !  "  is  shouted  by  Father  Emmons  in  the  corner. 


78  SHAMS;    OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

"  These,  brethren  and  sisters,  are  the  words  of  the  Apostle  Paul, 
spoken  unto  the  Corinthians,  and  they  are  spoken  unto  us  also,  and 
we  should  take  heed  unto  them  lest  at  any  time  we  should  let  'em 
slip. 

"  We  are  here  taught  that  the  first  man  was  Adam.  Yes,  my 
brethren  and  sisters,  the  first  man  was  Adam — the  very  first  man  the 
Almighty  created  was  Adam.  Let  us  remember  that  important 
fact.  His  name  wasn't  Charlie,  nor  John,  nor  Timothy,  nor  Teeters, 
nor  Grover,  nor  James,  nor  Peleg,  nor  Ebenezer,  nor  even  Benja- 
min, nor  a  thousand  other  names  that  I  might  mention  did  time  per- 
mit, but  it  was  Adam — plain,  simple  Adam.  Why  the  Almighty 
called  him  Adam  is  a  mystery  he  hasn't  seen  fit  to  tell  us,  and  bless- 
ed be  God,  he  don't  have  to  tell  us  his  reasons  for  doing  things  as 
he  is  a-mind  to;  he  simply  gives  us  the  plain  facts,  and  it's  none  of 
our  business  why  he  does  this  or  that. 

"  The  book  says  he  called  him,  Adam  and  the  good  book  don't 
mention  any  other  man  that  the  Creator  made,  and  it  is  to  be  in- 
ferred by  that,  that  we  are  all  the  sons  and  daughters  of  Adam, 
born  in  the  regular  way. 

"  Now,  it  says,  Adam  died,  and  I  believe  it " — again  from  the  cor- 
ner, comes  the  shout — "Amen !"  "  If  Adam  hasn't  died,  let  some  of 
the  world's  smart  infidels  show  him  up — yes,  show  him  up, — he 
would-be  the  greatest  curiosity  ever  known.  They  can't  do  it,  for 
he  is  dead  ;  yes,  blessed  be  God,  he  is  dead  as  a  door-nail,  and  the 
fact  that  Adam  is  dead,  establishes  beyond  dispute  that  the  Bible 
is  true. 

"  In  the  fourth  place,  the  text  says :  '  As  in  Adam  all  die ;'  the  in- 
ference is  very  plain  and  unmistakable,  that  we  are  all,  from  Adam's 
time  down  to  this  present  moment,  dead  or  dying.  It  doesn't  mean 
that  all  men  died  when  Adam  died ;  that  wouldn't  be  possible,  for 
the  facts  stare  us  in  the  face,  that  there  are  millions  and  millions  of 
men  and  women  alive  now,  but  it  means  that  the  seeds  of  death  was 
planted  in  our  nature.  Yes,  blessed  be  the  Lamb  that  taketh 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  79 

away  the  sins  of  the  world.  By  the  death  of  Adam  it  was,  accord- 
ing to  an  all-wise  and  divine  purpose,  made  possible  for  all  men 
to  die ;  not  only  possible,  but  probable  that  all  men  would  die  ;  and 
not  only  probable,  brethren  and  sisters,  but  a  dead  sure  thing  that 
they'd  got  to  die,  every  one  of  'em,  and  that  includes  us,  saints  and 
sinners  alike.  God  proves  by  this  very  act  that  he  has  the  upper 
hand  of  us,  and  it  wont  do  us  any  good  to  kick — we've  got  to  die. 
And  oh,  my  brethren  and  sisters,  what  a  awful  thing  it  is  to  die. 
Just  think  of  it ;  to  lay  down  dead,  some  time  very  unexpectedly  ; 
and  how  necessary  it  is  for  us  to  be  prepared  when  our  turn  comes, 
so  we  can  die  in  peace.  I  beseech  of  you  to  make  preparation  for 
that  time,  for  you  don't  know  what  will  become  of  you  after  that 
terrible  event.  Where  Adam  went  to,  we  know  not,  for  history 
don't  give  us  any  light  upon  his  whereabouts  after  he  passed  over 
that  dark  and  dismal  river  we  have  all  got  to  cross,  and  some  of  us, 
very  soon. 

"  Now  brethren  and  sisters,  we  come  to  the  second  part  of  our 
discourse,  viz.,  '  Even  so  in  Christ  shall  all  be  made  alive.'  Yes, 
glory  be  unto  him,  he  will  bring  every  one  of  us  to  life  again.  Then 
we  will  know  where  Adam  is,  we  will  know  where  all  our  relations 
are,  and  it  will  undoubtedly  be  a  lively  time  for  some  of  us  to  get 
around  and  see  our  friends  before  court  sets,  for  we  are  informed 
that  court  will  set  very  soon  after,  and  this  same  Christ  is  going  to 
be  the  judge,  and  he  will  then  settle  with  every  one  of  us ;  and  if 
we  haint  made  our  peace  with  him  and  got  our  names  registered  in 
the  book  of  life  we'll  be  sorry.  Yes,  you  young  sinner  that's  a  set- 
tin'  in  that  back  seat  a  pinchin'  that  girl  to  make  her  laugh  in  this 
meetin',  if  you  don't  repent  and  get  your  name  on  that  book,  the 
Devil  will  give  you  a  pinchin'  that  will  last  you  through  eternity. 
And  you  young  woman  that's  been  a  gigglin'  at  everything  that's 
been  said  here,  and  that  spends  your  time  a  dancin'  and  playin' 
cards,  and  scoffin'  at  religion,  if  you  don't  make  your  peace  with 
the  Lord  and  see  that  your  title  is  clear  in  that  book  of  life,  you'll 


80  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

find  yourself  a  dancin'  on  the  Devil's  fire.  You'll  be  playin'  a  game 
and  not  hold  a  trump  in  your  hands;  the  Devil  will  hold  all  the 
trumps  and  big  suit  cards,  and  you  wont  be  able  to  take  a  single 
trick ;  then  the  scoffin'  will  be  on  the  other  side. 

"  I  want  to  say  to  all  unconverted  persons  in  this  house,  pause, 
and  think  what  you're  doing,  and  do  not  longer  persist  in  your  sin- 
ful course,  but  come  to  Christ  and  believe  on  him.  And  while  we 
sing  the  familiar  hymn,  'We're  going  home  to  die  no  more/  come 
right  forward  to  these  front  seats.  Come  now,  brethren,  sing." 

"  Amen  !"  shouts  Father  Emmons — and  all  begin  to  sing. 

Elder  Jones  was  pressing  the  invitation.  The  shouts  from  the 
corner  and  singing  was  simultaneous.  Some  went  forward. 

After  the  singing  there  was  a  general  season  of  prayer,  three 
or  four  praying  at  a  time,  while  the  Elder  was  talking  to  the  sinners 
that  went  forward. 

There  are  not  many  persons  that  could  remain  long  under  the 
cross-fire  of  two  ministers  and  a  half  dozen  others,  without  confess- 
ing they  was  the  biggest  sinners  on  earth.  David  Kirk,  one  of 
them  that  went  forward,  confessed  that  he  was  a  dreadful  sinner, 
and  wanted  'em  to  pray  for  him.  We  all  knew  he  was  just  what  he 
confessed  to  be,  and  we  haint  much  confidence  in  his  conversion, 
for  he  does  that  same  thing  at  every  revival  at  the  schoolhouse,  and 
in  less  than  a  month  after  the  meetings  are  over,  he  is  just  as  mean 
and  low  as  ever. 

Clarissa  says,  "  The  only  way  Dave  Kirk  can  be  properly  con- 
verted, so  he  will  stay  so,  is  for  the  Lord  to  knock  all  of  his  brains 
out  of  his  head  and  put  some  new  ones  in,  for  them  old  brains  of 
his  is  a  bad  lot,  and  they  can't  be  worked  over  worth  a  cent.  Where 
you  haint  got  any  true  metal  to  work  on,  nothing  but  the  basest 
kind  of  metal,  the  work  aint  going  to  last  very  long.  It  will  break 
down  mighty  soon." 

I  believe  she  is  about  right.  It  is  all  well  enough  for  a  person 
that's  got  a  good  head  on  him  to  be  born  again,  and  the  right  thing 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  8 1 

too,  so  far  as  the  heart  is  concerned,  but  a  person  that  naturally  has 
got  a  mean,  dishonest  head  onto  his  shoulders,  may  be  born  over 
and  over  again,  a  hundred  times  or  more,  and  it  won't  make  him  a 
bit  better,  for  with  him  his  meanness  is  like  the  small-pox,  sure  to 
break  out. 

After  prayers  was  offered  a  good  many  told  their  experience. 
Old  Mrs.  Smith  said,  "  It's  nigh  onto  forty  years  since  I  found  the 
Lord  precious  to  my  soul,  and  I've  -been  trying  in  my  weak  way  to 
follow  in  his  footsteps  ever  since ;"  and  the  tears  begun  to  fall,  and 
her  nose  run  like  rain,  so  she  had  to  use  her  big  calico  handkerchief 
while  she  continued :  "  And  brethren  and  sisteren,  I  want  you  to 
forgive  all  my  shortcomings,  and  don't  let  'em  be  as  stumbling 
blocks  in  your  way,  for  I  shall  soon  pass  away  ah  !  from  these  mor- 
tal scenes,  ah !" 

"  Amen,  bless  God  for  that,"  shouted  Father  Emmons,  and 
Elder  Jones  groaned  out : 

"Yes,  dear  Lord." 

"Once,  ah!  I  was  a  dreadful  sinner,  ah!" 

And  Elder  Danberry  said  : 

"Bless  God  for  that." 

"And  I  got  no  peace  in  my  heart  until  I  surrendered  and  give 
myself  to  God — and  ever  since  then  I  have  been  as  peaceful  as  a 
lamb,  ah  !" 

As  soon  as  the  old  lady  set  down,  old  Uncle  Nat  Baker  arose. 
He  was  never  looked  upon  as  being  very  bright ;  he  is  very  tall  and 
has  a  small  head,  and  from  the  end  of  his  long,  sharp  nose  to  the 
back  upper  corner  of  his  head,  it  is  a  straight  line.  And  his  chin 
tapers  back  to  his  throat  in  a  corresponding  manner.  The  old  man 
has  helped  his  good,  honest  wife  in  raising  quite  a  family,  six  boys 
and  seven  girls.  One  of  the  boys  who  has  always  been  called  Bub, 
is  quite  a  tinker  ;  he  has  put  up  a  little  shop  near  the  schoolhouse, 
and  got  some  tools  for  mending  boots  and  shoes,  and  wagons,  and 
sleds,  and  plows  and  such  things,  and  he  has  got  a  little  hand  cider 


82 


SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 


press,  in  all  worth,  I  should   think,  about   seventy-five  dollars.     As 
the  old  gentleman  rose,  he  said  : 

"I  bless  God  for  this  glorious  religion  that  happifies  the  soul. 
It's  the  pearl  of  great  price.  It's  worth  more'n  all  other  pearls  in 
the  world,  and  you  can  have  it  if  you  want  it,  without  money  and 
without  price.  Oh,  sinner,  come  and  secure  this  pearl  of  great 


THE   COLLECTION. 


price,  now,  before  it  is  too  late.  You'll  have  to  make  haste  to  get 
it,  or  it  will  be  forever  gone." 

"  Yes,  praise  the  Lord,"  remarked  Elder  Danberry. 

Immediately  after  the  old  man  sat  down,  his  daughter,  Dol- 
lesky  Baker,  got  up  and  said  : 

"My  young  friends,  I'm  glad  I've  come.  I  feel  it's  good  for  my 
soul  to  be  here,  and  I  thank  father  that  he  ever  showed  me  how  to 


EXPERIENCE    WITH    HYPOCRITES.  83 

secure  this  pearl  of  great  price,  and  I  devise  you  to  come  and  get 
it  now  ;  it's  worth  more'n  everything  else  in  the  world.  It's  worth 
more'n  all  of  Bub's  machinery.  Pray  for  me  that  I  may  hold  on 
to  it." 

After  Dollesky  was  seated  they  took  up  a  collection.  Clarissa 
always  believes  in  giving  to  a  good  cause,  and  she  put  in  fifty  cents. 
I  put  in  twenty  cents  and  George  Waddles,  who  sat  right  in  front 
of  me  put  in  a  copper,  while  the  old  man  Baker  who  set  right  next 
to  me,  left  his  pocketbook  at  home,  so  he  didn't  give  a  cent,  although 
he  had  the  pearl  of  great  price.  After  they  got  through  and  counted 
up  all  the  money  they  got,  Elder  Danberry  arose  and  said  : 

"Brethren  and  sisters,  I  am  somewhat  disappointed  in  the 
amount  of  the  collection.  I  expected  we  would  raise  at  least  ten 
dollars,  but  I  find  on  carefully  counting  it  over  the  second  time  that 
there  is  just  one  dollar  and  thirty-nine  cents,  and  that  is  about  one- 
half  a  cent  a  head  for  those  present.  Now,  brethren,  supposing  that 
the  pearl  of  great  price  that  has  been  referred  to  by  Brother  Baker, 
was  to  be  sold  for  money,  how  much  of  a  chance  do  you  think  any 
of  you  would  stand  in  getting  it?  Why,  brethren  and  sisters,  if 
this  collection  would  be  a  proper  indication  of  the  bid  you'd  make 
for  it,  about  as  near  as  you'd  come  of  getting  it,  would  be  to  catch 
one  glimpse  of  its  brightness  as  the  light  of  God's  holy  countenance 
would  flash  upon  it,  and  then  it  would  be  forever  out  of  your  sight. 
But,  thanks  to  our  all  wise  and  good  God,  this  pearl  was  sold  to 
mankind  for  a  costly  price,  and  we  can  freely  have  it  if  we  will 
only  take  it. 

"I  think  when  we  consider  the  wonderful  price  paid  for  this 
precious  pearl,  that  it  is  a  mean  man  or  woman  that  won't  give 
more'n  one  cent  to  support  those  whose  business  it  is  to  carry  this 
costly  pearl  around  on  a  platter  to  each  and  every  one,  and  persuade 
you  to  take  it  and  wear  it  on  your  bosoms  so  it  will  shine  and  give 
light  to  others  to  see  how  to  walk,  for  without  a  light  men  are  con- 
stantly stepping  into  the  mud  and  mire  holes  in  this  world." 


84  SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

"Amen!    Amen  !    Thank  God  for  that,"  comes  from  the  corner. 

"And  now  Brother  Jones  who  devotes  his  whole  life  to  this 
blessed  cause,  comes  here  once  in  three  months  and  he  only  gets 
one  dollar  and  thirty-nine  cents.  Well,  we  are  thankful  for  that  much, 
and  hope  God  will  cause  the  light  of  his  countenance  to  shine  upon 
you,  and  make  you  more  liberal  to  his  cause.  We  will  close  by 
singing  the  Doxology." 

While  we  was  driving  home  Clarissa  said  :  "Benjamin,  what  do 
you  think  of  the  sermon?' 

I  told  her  I  didn't  think  much  of  it,  and  asked  her  opinion  of  it. 
She  replied  : 

"  I  think  his  philosophy  is  powerful  weak.  He  took  one  of  the 
most  beautiful  texts  in  the  whole  Bible,  and  made  it  appear  as  if 
Paul,  who  wrote  those  beautiful  words,  was  a  idiot.  If  Elder 
Jones  had  just  quoted  the  text  and  stopped  right  there,  he  would 
have  given  us  something  more  comforting  and  more  sublime  to 
think  of  than  what  he  said.  Why,  Benjamin,  now  just  think  for  a 
moment  what  this  text  means,  'As  in  Adam  all  die.'  The  meaning  of 
Adam  is  earth-born,  or  earthly.  The  Bible  tells  us  that  the  first  man 
was  of  the  earth,  earthy,  but  the  second  man  was  the  Lord  Jesus 
Christ,  or  the  heavenly.  Now,  the  first  man  called  Adam,  was  the 
earth  man,  which  is  the  human  body,  made  of  material  in  common 
with  the  earth,  and  destined  to  return  again  to  its  original  condition, 
to  the  elements  from  which  it  is  composed.  The  second  man  is  the 
spirit  that  dwells  in  these  earthly  bodies  and  animates  them.  The 
first  man,  Adam,  must  die,  must  dissolve  and  return  to  earth,  in  the 
very  nature  of  things.  While  the  second,  the  Spirit  which  is  from 
God,  must,  by  the  same  natural  law  return  to  its  author,  God,  and 
must  live  as  long  as  he  lives,  which  is  forever.  So  the  meaning  Paul 
intended  to  convey  is,  as  the  human  race  must  taste  death  by  the 
destruction  of  their  bodies,  they  will  also  by  the  same  law,  in 
spirit  live  forever,  and  being  free  from  this  earth  body,  will  the 
more  rapidly  develop  into  what  the  Creator  chooses  to  have  us.'* 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  85 

"That  glorious  old  man,  Paul,  put  that  text  right  into  that  good 
book  on  purpose  to  settle  any  and  all  disputes  in  regard  to  the 
resurrection." 

She  then  asked  me  what  I  thought  of  Elder  Danberry's  re- 
marks. 

I  told  her  I  thought  he  was  about  like  the  average  of  'em  ;  he 
measures  a  man's  chances  for  heaven  by  the  amount  of  money  he 
gives,  and  said  I :  "Clarissa,  you  and  I  are  all  right,  according  to  hfs 
idea,  for  we  give  seventy  cents  of  the  one  dollar  and  thirty-nine 
cents,  and  that  gives  the  balance  of  the  scales  in  our  favor.  And 
probably  according  to  his  views,  we  would  be  the  only  two  in  the 
audience  that  are  on  the  road  to  brighter  skies." 

I  wonder  where  George  Waddles  will  go  with  his  copper,  or  if 
old  man  Baker  will  lose  his  pearl  of  great  price  after  all  by  constitu- 
tionally leaving  his  pocketbook  at  home. 

Clarissa  said:  "Well,  Benjamin,  this  world  is  made  up  of  strange 
incongruities.  It  takes  all  kind  of  folks  to  make  people,  and  of 
course  they  will  have  various  notions  about  things.  If  they  are 
only  honest  in  it,  it  is  all  right  so  far  as  I'm  concerned,  but  I  can't 
bear  hypocrisy." 

Oh,  priceless  pearl  that's  freely  given 
To  us  to  wear  from  earth  to  heaven, 
Guide  us  on  earth  to  do  our  part, 
With  a  warm  and  cheerful  heart. 


86  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 


CHAPTER    IX. 

RID  AY  evening  Clarissa  and  I  took  an  early  start  for  the  Wad- 
dles Corners  schoolhouse,  so  as  to  make  sure  of  a  seat.  We 
knew  the  house  would  be  crowded,  fora  free  lecture  in  a  coun- 
try schoolhouse,  on  any  subject,  will  draw  a  full  house  every  time, 
and  especially  a  lecture  on  Phrenology  would  surely  pack  the  house. 
There  is  something  about  that  subject — it  makes  no  odds  how  old 
and  threadbare  it  is — that  will  attract  most  people.  There  is  some- 
thing in  the  nature  of  men  and  women  that  they  like  to  hear  some- 
thing said  about  heads  and  bumps,  that  they  know  is  true,  and  es- 
pecially about  their  neighbors — and  about  themselves  if  it  can  be 
done  privately. 

We  was  in  time  to  secure  a  good  seat ;  we  wasn't  a  mite  too 
soon,  for  in  less  than  ten  minutes  there  wasn't  standing  room  left  in 
the  house. 

The  room  was  well  lighted  with  about  thirty  lamps.  The  walls 
were  covered  with  pictures  of  men  and  women  noted  for  their  great 
ability  as  authors,  or  statesmen,  or  generals,  or  inventors,  or  men  of 
great  wealth  or  of  great  kindness  and  benevolence,  or  stinginess, 
or  great  idiots,  and  also  some  heads  of  animals.  It  was  a  regular 
panorama  of  heads,  and  was  very  interesting  to  look  at. 

The  remarks  of  our  simple  country  people  about  the  pictures, 
before  the  Professor  came  in,  was  highly  instructive.  For  instance, 
old  Jim  Smuggins  pointed  his  finger  up  to  John  the  Baptist  and  said 
to  his  wife  and  Sarah  : 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 

"That's  George  Washington." 

Sarah  said  :  "Well,  I  can't  see  what  made 
such  a  smart  man  as  he  was  part  his  hair  in  the 
middle." 

Another  person,  pointing  his  finger  at  a 
picture,  said,  "Say,  Tom,  haint  that  a  bully 
good-looking  fellow  ?  Do  you  know  who  it  is? 
He  is  the  man  that  can  lick  any  man  in  this 
house.  That's  John  Sullivan." 

Tom  replied  :  "  No,  it  haint  Sullivan — that's 
President  Cleveland." 

"Well,  then,  they  must  be  relatives,  for  they 
look  a  heap  alike." 

Bill  Green  pointed  to  the  picture  of  a  plain- 
looking  woman,  and  said  :  "  I  wonder  who  she 
be." 

I  said,  "  I  guess  it's  Joan  of  Arc." 

Clarissa  said,  "Why,  Benjamin,  don't  you 
know  better  than  that  ?  That  is  Susan  B.  An- 
thony." 

"  Well,"  said  I,  "  I  never  met  either  one  of 
'em,  or  corresponded  with  'em,  but  I  thought 
she  looked  savage  enough  to  lead  the  whole 
world  to  war." 

Sarah  Smuggins  spoke  up,  "  Well,  Ben 
Morgan,  I  don't  want  your  judgment  for  me.  I 
think  she  looks  like  an  angel  without  wings." 

And  so  the  remarks  went  on  about  the  pic- 
tures for  about  twenty  minutes,  when  Timothy 
Brown  walked  in  with  a  small,  red-headed  and 
red-whiskered  man,  dressed  up  very  slick,  and 
set  down  behind  the  teacher's  desk  in  a  chair 
that  had  been  kept  empty  on  purpose  for  him. 


88  SHAMS  ;   OR,    UNCLE   BEX'S 

In  a  few  minutes  Mr.  Brown  got  up  and  said  : 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen  :  We  all  realize  the  benefits  derived 
from  education,  and  we  ought  to  welcome  any  and  every  means  for 
obtaining  it ;  and  one  of  the  best  things  for  us  to  know,  is  to  know 
our  own  capabilities  ;  that  is,  to  know  what  we  are  the  best  fitted 
for  in  the  nature  of  things,  so  we  can  more  properly  educate  our- 
selves for  the  particular  place  we  can  most  advantageously  occupy, 
and  thus  save  much  valuable  time  and  labor,  that  without  such 
knowledge  would  be  lost. 

"  We  have  with  us  this  evening  Professor  Theodocius  Leviticus 
Feeler,  from  Boston,  the  most  renowned  lecturer  on  Phrenology  in 
America.  He  delivers  this  lecture  free,  but  will  deliver  four  more 
lectures  after  this  evening,  for  which  there  will  be  an  admission  fee 
charged  of  fifteen  cents,  except  to  school  children,  who  will  be  ad- 
mitted for  five  cents  a  head.  I  would  like  to  have  you  be  as  quiet 
as  possible,  considering  your  crowded  condition. 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen,  I  now  have  the  pleasure  of  introducing 
to  you  Professor  Theodocius  Leviticus  Feeler." 

The  Professor  made  a  pretty  bow,  and  said  : 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen  :  The  greatest  duty  man  should  per- 
form is  to  his  God,  and  the  next  is  the  duty  he  owes  to  himself. 
Whenever  he  properly  performs  these  two  duties  he  will,  in  the  na- 
ture of  things,  have  done  his  duty  to  his  fellow  men.  He  cannot 
possibly  do  his  whole  duty  to  his  God  without  doing  his  duty  to  his 
fellow  men.  In  order  to  do  his  duty  to  himself  properly,  he  should 
know  himself.  Therefore,  this  great  fundamental  law,  KNOW  THY- 
SELF, should  be  our  first  and  constant  study,  in  order  that  we  may 
fit  ourselves  for  the  positions  the  All-wise  Creator  designed  us  to 
occupy. 

"  It  will  be  my  object  to  show  you  how  you  can  know  yourselves 
and  give  you  such  instructions,  which  if  you  will  follow  them  out 
you  will  know  how  to  manage  yourselves. 

"  Gentlemen  will,  by  the  study  of  this  greatest  of  all  sciences, 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  89 

know  what  course  of  business  to  pursue  in  order  to  be  successful. 
They  will  know  what  kind  of  women  to  marry  that  they  may  have 
happy  and  prosperous  lives. 

"  Ladies,  by  the  application  of  the  laws  of  Phrenology,  will  know 
who  to  accept  or  reject,  in  offers  of  marriage.  Young  ladies  will 
know  who  it's  best  to  let  court  'em,  and  young  men  will  know  who 
to  court. 

"  Parents  will  know  how  to  bring  up  their  children,  that  they  may 
be  ornaments  to  society  and  a  blessing  to  the  world  ;  and  all  of  us 
will  know  how  to  get  along  right  with  other  folks. 

"  When  the  Creator  went  to  work  and  got  up  a  man,  do  you  sup- 
pose he  didn't  know  enough  to  label  him  in  a  right  manner?  If  you 
do,  you  suppose  wrong.  When  he  made  man,  he  knew  that  there 
would  be  a  great  many  men  and  women  in  the  course  of  time,  and 
in  order  to  preserve  order  and  peace  among  them,  he  made  them  all 
with  different  looking  faces,  so  they  wouldn't  get  mixed  up,  and  not 
know  themselves  from  their  neighbors ;  and  when  he  made  them 
with  distinguishing  features,  he  made  them  with  a  corresponding 
difference  in  temperament  and  heart,  and  he  gave  his  children  the 
peculiar  features  and  shape  of  the  head,  as  a  key  to  unlock  the  heart 
and  brain,  and  know  what  the  motives  are  that  actuate  its  possessor. 
This  Key  we  call  Phrenology.  We  will  proceed  to  unlock  a  few 
heads  to-night  and  see  if  the  Almighty  has  made  a  mistake. 

"  The  first  picture  on  our  right,  is  a  correct  representation  of 
Adam. 

"  You  will  observe  that  he  is  very  narrow  between  the  temples. 
This  shows  that  he  was  deficient  in  Time  and  Tune.  Now,  who  ever 
heard  of  Adam  singing  a  tune  ?  No  one.  He  was  never  known  to 
sing  a  note  in  his  whole  life. 

"  It  is  plainly  evident  that  his  Time  was  poor,  or  he  could  have 
got  away  from  the  Devil,  when  the  old  feller  was  tryin'  to  catch  him 
in  the  garden. 

"  You  will  notice  his  sloping  forehead,  which  shows  that  his  In- 


93  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

tellectual  faculties  was  very  small,  and  as  a  proof  of  it,  he  never  left 
the  scratch  of  the  pen  to  show  to  the  world  that  he  ever  had  a 
thought.  It  also  shows  that  he  was  lacking  in  Benevolence.  He 
was  never  known  to  give  away  a  single  thing,  but  on  the  contrary, 
he  took  all  he  could  get.  When  his  devoted  and  generous  wife,  Eve, 
passed  the  first  dish  of  fruit  to  him  in  the  garden,  he  grabbed  the 
biggest  apple  on  the  plate,  and  hogged  it  down,  and  never  even 
thanked  her  for  it. 

"  You  will  notice  right  here  (pointing  with  a  stick  to  a  hollow  in 
Adam's  head),  where  the  organ  of  Inventiveness  is  located,  that  he 
is  deficient.  He  didn't  know  enough  to  make  any  clothes  for  him- 
self, but  had  to  wait  'till  good,  kind  Eve  sewed  some  fig  leaves  to- 
gether and  made  him  a  dress,  and  then  she  had  to  show  him  how  to 
put  it  on.  You  will  further  observe,  right  here  behind  the  ears,  he 
is  very  full ;  he  is  very  broad  through  the  ears ;  this  denotes  great 
Combativeness,  and  meanness  in  general. 

"  To  prove  that  the  key  is  right,  in  this  instance  :  The  very  first 
thing  he  done  that  we  have  any  account  of,  after  hoggin'  down  the 
apple,  was  to  raise  Cain. 

"  This  picture  on  our  left  is  said  to  be  a  very  correct  likeness  of 
the  great  philosopher,  Socrates.  It  was  painted  from  an  original 
photograph,  taken  by  Sarony's  great-grandfather,  who  was  at  that 
time  engaged  in  the  business  of  catching  shadows  in  the  city  of 
Athens.  Socrates  is  here  represented  in  full  figure,  as  he  was  stand- 
ing in  the  market-place,  bare-footed  and  bare-headed,  with  an  old 
shawl  over  his  shoulders,  that  he  used  to  wear  summer  and  winter. 

"  You  will  notice  a  very  marked  difference  between  him  and 
Adam.  He  has  a  large,  high  forehead  which  denotes  great  Benev- 
olence. He  was  never  known  to  save  a  cent,  and  had  it  not  been 
for  his  faithful  friend,  Crito,  who  was  with  him  to  the  last  moment 
of  his  life,  and  who,  by  his  own  request,  gave  him  the  bitter  cup  of 
hemlock  poison,  his  family  would  have  suffered.  He  was  not  a 
spendthrift,  but  his  great  benevolent  nature  caused  him  to  give 
from  his  scanty  resources  to  alleviate  human  suffering. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  9! 

"  You  will  notice  his  large,  round,  full  eyes,  and  those  heavy 
pouches  under  the  eyes.  They  denote  Language,  and  he  had  a  won- 
derful command  of  language.  Not  only  was  he  gifted  with  won- 
derful oratorical  powers,  but  he  was  the  greatest  logician  in  all  of 
Athens  that  city  of  learned  scholars.  You  will  notice  all  these  or- 


SOCRATES   AND    YOUNG    AMERICA. 


gans  in  the  regions  of  the  eye.  are  very  large.  Everything  about 
his  head  and  body  shows  that  he  was  a  powerful  man  mentally  and 
physically,  possessed  of  great  power  of  endurance.  He  was,  in  all 
respects,  the  most  remarkable  man  of  his  age,  and  could  he  have 
lived  until  now,  he  would  be  the  most  remarkable  man  ever  created. 


92  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

"  This  picture  right  above  Mr.  Socrates,  represents  the  result 
of  a  union  of  two  common  flowers,  the  calla  lily  and  sunflower.  It 
is  named  Oscar  Wilde.  You  will  notice  that  his  smooth,  beardless 
face  is  broad  in  the  region  of  the  eyes,  and  tapering  down  to  a  very 
narrow  and  slightly  drooping  chin ;  the  balance  of  the  head  corre- 
sponding with  the  face,  is  richly  ornamented  with  a  profuse  growth 
of  mer-maiden  hair,  and  the  whole  supported  by  a  delicate  and  slen- 
der neck,  the  lower  extremity  of  which  is  surrounded  by  a  faultless 
white  linen  collar  and  huge  necktie  of  green  satin,  presenting  a 
striking  resemblance  tothe-calla  lily.  Sunflowers  is  his  hobby,  and 
these  characteristics  predominate  in  his  nature. 

"You  will  see  here,  where  the  bump  of  Approbativeness  is  lo- 
cated, he  is  very  full  indeed.  It  is  the  largest  bump  on  his  head. 
You  make  him  think  he  is  one  of  the  smartest  men  in  the  world, 
and  you  touch  his  tender  spot.  Public  opinion  has  branded  him  as 
a  soft-headed  dude,  a  good  sign  to  put  up  in  front  of  a  milliner's 
shop. 

"  Right  here  allow  me  to  remark,  that  public  opinion  is  not  al- 
ways correct;  it  is  once  in  a  while  mistaken,  as  it  doesn't  always 
see  through  the  mask. 

"  This  one  at  our  right,  is  a  marked  character.  You'll  observe 
that  the  head  is  very  large,  very  full  in  the  back  part  where  all  the 
animal  and  social  organs  are  located,  broad  through  the  region  of 
the  eyes,  a  low  forehead,  and  the  top  of  the  head  is  very  flat ;  the 
lines  of  the  face  very  positive,  the  mouth  large  and  firmly  com- 
pressed, indicating  firmness,  strong  will-power  and  determination ; 
full  over  the  eyes,  showing  that  he  is  a  quick  reader  of  human  na- 
ture ;  his  perceptive  faculties  are  very  keen.  You  notice  he  is  very 
full  back  of  the  ears  ;  Combativeness  is  very  largely  developed.  It 
is  one  of  the  controlling  organs  in  his  make-up  ;  he  can  argue  well, 
as  far  as  his  limited  education  allows  him  to  go,  and  when  he  gets 
that  far,  if  he  is  still  opposed,  he  is  ready  to  fight.  The  most  prom- 
inent bumps  on  the  back  head,  are  Amativeness  and  Philoprogeni- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  93 

tiveness.  He  is  powerful  fond  of  children  ;  the  more  of  them  he 
can  have  around  him,  the  happier  he  is.  He  is  remarkably  fond  of 
a  wife ;  he  thinks  so  much  of  that  article,  that  during  his  life  he  had 
more  than  a  score  of  'em  at  the  same  time,  and,  not  being  fully  sat- 
isfied with  that  number,  he  was  courting  about  a  dozen  girls  with  a 
view  to  making  them  all  Young  in  a  short  time.  The  consumma- 
tion of  his  wishes  in  that  direction  was  only  prevented  by  the  timely 
arrival  of  that  grim  messenger,  death. 

"  You  observe  the  top  of  his  head  is  very  flat.  The  bump  of 
Veneration  was  swept  off  deck  at  a  very  early  period  of  his  exist- 
ence, and  consequently,  he  had  very  little  respect  for  the  Deity. 
His  god  was  his  ambition  and  passion — ambition  to  rule  others,  and 
accumulate  wealth,  and  a  passion  to  control  a  harem  of  well-selected, 
obedient  and  submissive  wives. 

"  The  loss  of  his  bump  of  Veneration  involved  the  partial  or 
complete  destruction  of  several  other  organs,  consequently  he  was 
unscrupulous.  To  carry  his  point  was  his  determination,  regardless 
of  the  method.  He  had  perfect  Order,  and  the  way  he  systematized 
the  organization  of  the  Mormon  Church  and  carried  out  his  plans 
in  life,  proves  that  the  head  we  are  describing  properly  belonged  to 
no  other  than  its  owner,  BRIGHAM  YOUNG. 

"  This  lady  that  hangs  next  to  Brigham  is,  in  many  respects,  the 
direct  opposite  to  him.  You  can  see  her  head  is  narrow  through 
the  temples,  and  very  high  on  top,  like  a  church  steeple.  The 
greater  part  of  her  head  is  in  front  of  her  ears ;  the  back  part  is  in 
a  straight  line  with  her  neck,  and  where  the  bump  of  Philoprogen- 
itiveness  and  Amativeness  should  be,  there  are  hollows.  Conse- 
quently, she  is  by  nature  a  regular  man-hater.  She  had  rather  see 
forty  cats  in  the  house  than  one  sweet,  innocent  baby,  and  she  could 
no  more  tolerate  a  man  in  the  -house  than  she  could  convince  the 
people  of  America  that  she  is  an  angel.  She  is  fully  developed  in 
the  organ  of  Combativeness.  She  can  argue  from  morning  till 
night,  and  not  feel  a  mite  like  giving  up  then.  Naturally  she  has  a 


94  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

large  amount  of  Veneration,  and  would  be  a  very  devoted  religion- 
1st  if  it  wasn't  for  her  hatred  of  the  first  part  of  God's  creation  of  the 
human  race.  She  cannot  conceive  of  the  wisdom  of  the  Almighty 
in  making  such  a  useless  and  bothersome  thing  as  a  man,  and  espe- 
cially in  making  him  before  he  made  woman,  therefore  it  is  hard  for 
her  to  worship  such  a  Creator.  She  is  quite  deficient  in  knowledge 
of  human  nature,  and  her  perceptive  faculties  are  very  small.  She 
has  but  one  predominant  idea,  and  that  excludes  from  her  mind  all 
other  subjects  requiring  much  thought.  I  need  not  tell  you  her 
name,  for  I  presume  there  is  not  one  in  this  vast  and  intelligent 
audience  that  does  not  recognize  in  her  Susan  B.  Anthony. 

"  This  good-looking  man  that  hangs  on  the  stovepipe  has  given 
more  real  fun  and  amusement  to  the  millions  of  book-readers  in 
America  and  Europe  than  any  or  all  of  American  authors.  His 
keen  sense  of  the  ludicrous  side  of  human  nature  enables  him  to 
strip  things  of  their  fictitious  robes  and  let  folks  see  facts  undressed. 
His  power  to  present  to  the  human  mind  things  in  nearly  their  true 
light  causes  laughter  and  amusement.  You  will  notice  his  percept- 
ive organs  are  extremely  large,  while  his  deep-seated  eye  is  as  keen 
and  piercing  as  a  hawk's.  He  can  smell  a  joke  as  far  as  a  Dutchman 
can  Limburger  cheese,  and  if  it's  stale  he  can  ring  the  bell  on  it  be- 
fore it  arrives.  He  can  see  more  curious  and  funny  things  in  a  bag 
of  dried  peas  than  ninety-nine  in  a  hundred  can  out  of  a  bottle  of 
champagne,  even  if  it  is  labeled  ' Extra  Dry.' 

"  With  him  the  sacredness  of  antiquity  is  destroyed,  and  mum- 
mies twenty  thousand  years  old  are  treated  with  no  more,  if  as  much, 
respect  than  Mrs.  Jarley's  wax  works;  and  the  wonderful  descrip- 
tions given  by  others  of  the  works  of  the  '  old  masters '  drop  to  a 
par  with  a  pair  of  fifty-cent  oil-painted  window-shades.  The  monk 
ceases  to  be  of  much  more  value  than  the  pile  of  old  bones  and 
skulls  he  watches.  American  speculation,  with  its  glitter  and  show, 
instead  of  having  millions  in  it,  hasn't  got  a  cent  to  bank  on,  and 
has  to  borrow  its  chew  of  tobacco  from  any  one  that  happens  to 
have  it  in  their  pockets. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  95 

"  The  only  real  scientific  work  he  has  dropped  onto  is  piloting  a 
boat  down  the  Mississippi,  and  putting  wit  and  humor  on  paper  in 
good  shape.  This  man  is  a  benefactor  to  his  race,  for  he  drives  away 
the  blues,  and  lights  up  the  face  with  smiles.  I  wish  we  had  more 
like  him,  and  in  passing  to  our  next,  I  will  say,  long  live  Samuel 
L.  Clemens. 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen,  I  will  introduce  but  one  more  character 
this  evening,  and  then  I  will  devote  a  half  an  hour  in  examining 
the  heads  of  half-a-dozen  persons,  to  be  selected  from  the  audience 
by  yourselves,  which  will  close  this  evening's  entertainment. 

"  I  take  pride  in  showing  you  this  picture,  as  it  is  a  very  good 
representation  of  one  of  God's  own  noblemen,  and  the  United 
States'  best  friend,  Abraham  Lincoln." 

(At  this  point  there  was  tremendous  applause.)  "  His  head  is 
very  large  in  all  the  organs  that  develop  the  highest  and  noblest 
traits  of  character  in  man,  and  is  deficient  in  those  organs  which  de- 
velop the  evil  nature  of  the  race. 

"  You  will  notice  the  face  beams  with  a  bright,  intelligent  and 
kind  expression,  which  indicates  an  honest,  warm,  tender  and  sym- 
pathizing heart.  There  is  no  deception,  malice,  or  low,  mean  and 
treacherous  disposition  there,  nor  can  such  traits  hide  behind  such  a 
countenance.  The  large,  full  eye  denotes  Language  large,  the  full- 
ness above  the  eye  denotes  perception,  judgment,  calculation  and 
forethought.  He  was  a  ready  and  correct  reader  of  human  nature, 
and  few  persons  ever  approached  him  upon  business  that  he  did  not 
perceive  their  purposes  before  they  even  disclosed  them,  conse- 
quently he  was  able  to  meet  them  upon  the  most  advantageous 
grounds.  While  Combativeness  in  him  was  only  moderate,  his  clear 
insight  and  powerful  logic  gave  him  success  in  debate. 

"  His  social  qualities  were  very  strongly  developed,  mirthfulness 
being  very  large  ;  he  was  a  man  well  calculated  to  make  friends,  and 
society  was  always  more  cheerful  by  his  presence.  His  devotion  to 
truth  and  honesty  was  not  an  acquired  art,  but  the  very  essence  of  his 


96  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

nature.     It  was  this  that  endeared  him  to  the  people,  and  it  is  this 
trait  of  his  character  that  will  cause  his  name  to  live  as  long  as  that 
of  his  country.     When  the  names  of  many  illustrious  men  shall  have 
been  forgotten,  that  of  Abraham  Lincoln  will  be  fresh  and  green, 
and  will  always  be  coupled  with  the  epithet  of  Honest  Old  Abe" 
Clarissa  nudged  me  with  her  off  elbow  and  whispered, — 
"  Say,  Ben,  Jim  Teeters'  head  haint  a  mite  like  Lincoln's,  is  it?" 
With  the  hog  trade  fresh  and  green  in  my  memory,  I  could  not 
say  it  was,  and  so  I  spoke  very  emphatic  like  and  said,     "  No !  by 
thunder,  nor  it  never  will  be ;"  I  wouldn't  wonder  if  I  spoke  a  little 
louder  than  I  intended  to,  for  a  good  many  who  set  near  us,  turned 
round  and  looked  at  us  real  sharp. 

Professor  Feeler  said  :  "  Now,  if  any  lady  or  gentleman  will 
come  to  the  platform,  I  will  give  them  a  full  and  complete  examina- 
tion, free  of  cost.  Will  some  one  be  kind  enough  to  call  for  some 
lady  and  gentleman  that  is  pretty  generally  known." 

There  was  more'n  a  dozen  hollered  out  for  Clarissa  and  Uncle 
Ben  Morgan;  we  declined  to  go,  for  the  reason  that  we  don't  like 
to  make  ourselves  conspicuous;  we  are  both  of  us  very  retiring  in 
our  natures.  Clarissa  is  more  retiringer  than  I  am.  Our  declining 
didn't  work  worth  a  cent,  for  the  whole  house  kept  a  hollerin'  for 
us  until  we  concluded  to  go.  We  worked  our  way  to  the  platform 
amid  applause,  and  occupied  the  two  chairs  that  was  made  vacant 
for  our  accommodation. 

The  Professor  run  his  fingers  all  over  my  head,  then  took  a 
good  square  look  right  into  my  face,  then  he  went  to  Clarissa  and 
pulled  her  back  hair  down  and  fumbled  her  head  all  over,  and  then 
looked  her  in  the  face  as  if  he  intended  to  know  her  the  next  time 
he  met  her,  and  then  he  said  :  "  This  gentleman  and  lady  ought  to 
be  married,  if  they  are  not  already,  for  the  reason  that  there  is  just 
enough  in  their  nature  of  the  opposite  to  make  them  well  adapted 
for  a  happy  union  ,  their  general  temperaments  are  opposite,  but  in 
some  respects  they  are  similar.  This  lady  would  rather  manage 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES.  97 

their  business  affairs,  and  look  after  the  finances  than  to  trust  it  to 
him,  and  he  would  rather  she  would.  ' 

I  spoke  up  before  I  thought  and  asked  him  who  had  been  tell- 
ing him  about  us. 

He  said,  "  Nobody  but  yourselves." 
Said  I,  "I  never  spoke  a  word  to  you  before." 
"  Well,"  said  he,  "  You  forget  that  I  have  got  your  keys  here," 
putting  his  hands  on  our  heads  at  the  same  time,  and  he  went  on : 


"YOU  FORGET  THAT  I  HAVE  GOT  YOUR  KEYS  HERE." 

"  This  gentleman  has  a  negative  temperament,  while  the  lady 
has  a  positive.  She  is  not  obstinate  nor  quarrelsome  at  all,  but  she 
is  very  firm.  She  is  governed  by  her  convictions  of  right  and 
wrong,  and  when  she  has  decided  a  thing  is  right,  you  might  as  well 
try  to  move  one  of  the  pyramids  in  Egypt  as  to  move  her.  You 
couldn't  no  more  persuade  her  to  do  a  thing  she  thought  wasn't 
right  than  you  could  get  Bob  Ingersoll  to  join  the  Baptist  Church 
in  the  regular  way.  She  is  domestic  in  her  habits,  peaceful  in  mind, 
wouldn't  quarrel  with  any  one,  except  forced  to  in  self-defense,  or 
in  defense  of  her  family,  and  then  she  would  stop  the  moment  she 
Ivon  the  victory. 


98  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN's 

"  She  likes  fun  as  well  as  anybody,  but  it  must  not  be  at  the  ex- 
pense of  principle.  If  this  man  is  her  husband,  she  keeps  a  close 
eye  on  him,  and  (giving  a  sharp  glance  at  me,  and  a  cunning  wink 
to  the  audience)  I  think  he  deserves  it.  She  wants  to  know  where 
.he  is  nights  if  he  isn't  at  home  in  good  season.  Of  course  I  don't 
mean  to  say  she  is  jealous,  but — but — she  doesn't  believe  in  other 
folks  meddling  with  her  property.  She  wants  to  be  her  own  insur- 
ance company,  and  as  long  as  she  assumes  all  the  risk,  she  will  nat- 
urally keep  a  sharp  eye  on  what  belongs  to  her. 

"  She  is  quite  accommodating,  likes  to  be  neighborly,  is  willing 
to  borrow  when  she  is  in  need  of  something  she  is  out  of,  and  is 
equally  willing  to  lend.  But  she  will  lend  any  other  animal  she  has 
got  on  her  premises  quicker  than  her  husband.  She  is  a  good  judge 
of  human  nature,  her  perceptive  organs  is  very  full,  she  doesn't 
have  to  wait  until  you  knock  her  down  in  order  to  understand  that 
you  mean  to  hit  her.  She  will  see  the  blow  in  your  intention  before 
you  make  it,  and  will  dodge  your  aim.  She  has  good  order  and 
calculation,  is  naturally  very  tidy  and  economical.  She  can  get  up 
a  good  meal  out  of  what  many  women  throw  away.  She  is  a  good 
talker  and  can  keep  up  her  end  of  a  conversation  or  an  argument, 
especially  the  latter,  and  her  philosophy  is  largely  original,  abun- 
dant and  sound,  and  she  generally  carries  her  point.  She  is  inclined 
to  see  the  ludicrous  point  in  anything.  If  she  was  in  Washington, 
she  would  be  very  apt  to  express  her  opinions  on  the  way  the  women 
dress  there.  She  would  not  be  one  of  the  admirers  of  Helen  Potter 
either;  Miss  Cleveland  would  rather  suit  her  style. 

"  This  lady  has  a  great  deal  of  Veneration,  and  is  naturally  in- 
clined to  be  worshipful.  She  holds  her  God  as  next  to  her  firm 
principles,  which  she  is  set  on. 

"  She  likes  to  go  to  meeting  and  wants  to  do  her  share  of  the 
singing,  and  I  think  she  can  do  that  part  well,  as  the  organs  of  time 
and  tune  are  very  prominent.  She  is  fond  of  society,  likes  to  receive 
company  as  well  as  to  go  a  visiting.  But  to  her,  home  is  the  dear- 
est spot,  and  to  beautify  and  ornament  it  is  her  delight  and  pride. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  99 

"  Take  this  lady's  head  all  through,  and  it  is  remarkable.  She  is 
well  balanced  on  all  subjects  except  her  Benjamin  ;  on  that  point 
she  is  inclined  to  be  a  little  cranky. 

"  Take  her  head  all  through  and  through — 
Hair  of  a  rich  auburn  hue, 
Eyes  of  an  enchanting  blue, 
That  speak  as  they  look  at  you. 

"  Strong  in  her  Veneration, 
Keen  in  her  Observation, 
Full  in  her  Approbation, 
Ready  in  Accumulation. 

"With  very  strong  Ambition 
To  rise  to  great  distinction, 
And  with  her  Determination 
She  will  prove  to  this  natiom 

"  By  her  continuation 
In  careful  calculation 
And  due  consideration 
Of  men  in  every  station, 

"  That  she  is  of  high  degree, 
With  a  noble  pedigree  ; 
To  which  you  will  all  agree, 
According  to  Phrenologee. " 

So  far  I  stood  the  examination  first-rate.  I  was  rather  amused 
some  of  the  time  when  he  was  describing  my  other  half.  Clarissa 
didn't  wince  a  mite  as  he  drove  the  nails  of  truth  into  her  head. 
Most  all  of  them  he  hit  right  square  on  the  head,  too,  except  when 
he  referred  to  her  keeping  a  eye  on  me.  She  didn't  like  to  have 
that  told,  for  she  knew  'twas  just  so.  She  watches  me  like  a  old 
hen  does  her  one  chicken  when  all  the  rest  but  one  have  died.  I 
haven't  been  away  from  home  without  her  with  me  but  once  in  the 
last  two  years,  and  that  was  when  I  drove  them  hogs  down  to  Jim 
Teeters',  and  I  don't  expect  she'll  ever  trust  me  to  go  again  without 
her  for  twenty  years  to  come. 

The  crowd  enjoyed  the  examination,  and  laughed  frequently ; 


IOO  SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE   BENS 

and  when  the  Professor  made  the  hit  on  her  jealousy,  they  gave 
considerable  applause. 

I  didn't  exactly  like  to  have  him  come  at  me  before  all  that 
crowd,  specially  after  he  made  her  out  so  all-fired  smart.  .  I  just  ex- 
pected he'd  make  out  I  was  a  fool.  The  Professor,  coming  up 
against  my  head,  said  : 

"  We  have  a  very  different  individual  here  from  the  one  I  have 
just  examined.  This  gentleman  is  naturally  very  kind,  does  not 
want  to  quarrel  with  anybody,  but  if  he  is  cornered  and  has  got  to 
fight  or  run,  he  will  fight,  and  he  will  fight  hard,  but  it  will  be  a  case 
of  necessity  with  him.  He  is  not  as  firm  as  this  lady.  In  fact,  he 
is  not  firm  enough  to  keep  from  being  imposed  upon  by  sharp  and 
designing  persons.  He  is  strictly  honest,  unless  he  sees  a  splendid 
opportunity  for  making  a  bargain  and  not  get  caught  at  it ;  and  he 
naturally  thinks  everybody  else  is  honest.  He  is  not  much  inclined 
to  roam  around,  for  two  reasons  :  First,  he  is  not  very  familiar  with 
the  country  far  away  from  home,  and  is  a  little  too  timid  to  go- 
alone  ;  and  second,  he  is  afraid  to  go  away  to  be  gone  over  night 
unless  his  wife  gives  her  full  consent,  which  is  not  very  probable, 
especially  if  this  lady  is  his  wife.  I'll  take  it  for  granted  she  is.  He  is 
not  very  devotional  or  religious,  but  his  wife  being  strong-minded, 
and  possessing  a  strong  positive  temperament,  can  mold  his  belief. 
If  she  entertains  any  religious  sentiment  he  will  simply  second  the 
motion  and  join  the  same  church  she  does,  and  will,  no  doubt,  see 
things  in  about  the  same  light  as  she  does. 

"  In  politics  he  is  not  very  firm,  though  naturally  inclined  to  be 
on  the  right  side.  • 

"  He  is  very  fond  of  company,  and  the  more  ladies  in  the  com- 
pany the  better  it  suits  him,  unless  his  wife  watches  him  too  closely. 
But  if  he  gets  into  conversation  with  some  pretty  woman  and  his 
wife  drops  her  eye  on  him,  it  kinder  frustrates  him,  and  he  forgets 
what  he  is  talking  about,  and  is  just  as  apt  to  ask  the  lady  he  is  talk- 
ing to  how  much  she  is  paying  for  hogs,  as  to  ask  who  made  her 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


IOI 


dress.  In  fact,  he  can't  stand  watching  by  his  wife  and  enjoy  it. 
Left  to  his  company  without  the  feeling  that  he  is  being  squinted  at 
by  his  wife,  he  could  keep  up  quite  a  conversation,  providing  the 
other  party  could  stand  it. 

"  Alimentiveness  is  full.  He  is  a  good  eater  and  likes  pie.  Ac- 
cumulativeness  is  very  full.  He  has  a  strong  desire  to  make  money, 
and  as  a  farmer  he  would  be  successful  in  that  direction,  for  he  is 
industrious  and  economical;  but  he  would  be  a  poor  merchant.  He 
ought  to  have  a  wife  that  is  a  good  financier,  and  this  lady  has  got 
a  good  head  for  that.  Nature  has  calculated  these  persons  for  each 
other ;  they  can  pull  in  double  harness  well,  and  never  have  any  se- 
rious difficulty.  Hitch  him  with  some  women,  he  would  balk  and 
kick,  but  this  lady  can  hold  him  level  and  keep  him  cool. 

"  I  would  advise  him  to  never  attempt  to  sing  if  he  has  any  re- 
gard for  the  peace  and  quiet  of  his  neighbors,  for  it  would  prove  a 
calamity,  and  cause  him  to  be  covered  with  ridicule  ;  not  but  what 
he  is  fond  of  music,  but  he  wasn't  built  for  a  canary  bird. 

"Let  me  suggest  to  you,  to  cultivate  firmness  and  independ- 
ence ;  learn  to  rely  on  yourself  more.  Try  to  make  others  subser- 
vient to  your  will  rather  than  act  as  a  servant  to  theirs. 

"  Let  your  constant  aim  be  higher  ; 

Be  led  by  ambition's  fire 

To  firmness,  and  each  day  aspire 

To  get  nigher  and  nigher 

To  the  full  stature  of  a  man. 

"  And  when  you  have  accomplished  in  life  what  it  is  your  priv- 
ilege to,  and  you  step  down  the  rapid  decline,  at  the  foot  of  which 
is  the  open  grave,  you  may  be  able  to  say,  as  did  that  noble  and 
good  man,  Judge  William  Wilkins,  of  Pennsylvania,  when  about  to 
part  with  mortal  scenes: 

"  '  Stronger  by  weakness,  wiser  men  become, 
As  they  draw  near  to  their  eternal  home, 
Leaving  the  old,  both  worlds  at  once  they  view, 
They  stand  upon  the  threshold  of  the  new.'  " 


102  SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

With  this  he  dismissed  me  from  the  platform.  Evidently  he 
was  pleased  with  the  impression  he  made  upon  the  audience,  for 
there  was  tremendous  applause  as  he  finished  me  off ;  but  I  assure 
you  I  wasn't  a  mite  pleased,  for  he  might  just  as  well  said  I  was  a 
dumbfounded  relative  of  Balaam's  beast,  as  to  tell  me  what  he  did, 
and  I  said  to  him, — 

"  You  think  you  are  darned  smart,  don't  you  ?  If  you'll  just 
set  down  in  that  ar  chair  and  let  Clarissa  tell  this  crowd  what's  in 
your  little  head,  she'll  show  'em  that  you  are  a  dumbed  sight  bigger 
fool  than  I  am." 

Then  the  crowd  just  applauded  me.  But  he  replied,  "I  ain't 
big  enough  fool  to  let  her  have  the  chance." 

Then  they  all  laughed  like  fury,  and  I  concluded  I  had  better 
keep  my  mouth  shut.  Clarissa  and  I  took  our  seats.  The  Pro- 
fessor then  asked  the  audience  to  name  two  others  to  come  forward 
and  be  examined.  I  wanted  some  one  else  shown  up  as  well  as  me 
and  Clarissa,  so  I  yelled  out,  "  'Squire  Bigler  and  George  Waddles,'* 
and  the  whole  house  called  for  them  until  they  went  up  to  the 
platform. 

The  Professor  took  the  'Squire  first,  and  after  feeling  all  over 
his  head  carefully,  and  looking  him  out  of  countenance  two  or  three 
times,  he  said : 

"  This  gentleman  is  a  very  ambitious  |man.  He  has  a  great  deal 
of  pride ;  he  has  more  pride  and  ambition  than  honest  principle. 
He  has  good  calculation  and  keen  perception,  is  a  good  reader  of 
human  nature,  has  good  command  of  language,  and  is  a  good  easy 
talker ;  somewhat  magnetic,  and  can  make  himself  very  agreeable 
when  he  wants  to.  He  would  make  a  very  good  public  speaker. 
He  has  a  good  deal  of  the  fox  in  his  nature  ;  can  be  very  sly  and 
conceal  his  real  motives.  I  think  he  is  governed  very  largely  by 
policy. 

"  He  studies  policy  in  all  his  dealings  with  men.  He  can  make 
friends  easily,  but -most  of  his  friends,  or  those  he  seeks  to  make  his 


HE  WAS   GOING   TO   FIGHT  THE   PROFESSOR. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  IO5 

friends,  he  intends  to  use  for  his  own  purpose,  and  it's  only  a  ques- 
tion of  how  much  he  can  make  out  of  them,  or  how  far  he  can  gain 
his  points  by  them,  that  he  measures  the  strength  and  duration  of 
that  friendship. 

"  In  the  true  sense  of  the  word,  I  don't  believe  it  is  in  his  na- 
ture to  know  what  real  true  friendship  is,  but  his  affable  manner, 
coupled  with  his  command  of  language,  knowledge  of  human  na- 
ture, and  shrewdness,  will  win  him  many  friends,  who  will  in  turn, 
be  duped  and  made  ashamed  by  their  disappointment  in  him." 

Bigler  got  hopping  mad  and  jumped  up  and  said,  "  I  didn't 
come  here  to  be  insulted,  and  I  don't  propose  to  submit  to  any  more 
abuse."  He  was  going  to  fight  the  professor,  but  the  professor  very 
coolly  replied,  "Hold  on,  my  young  friend  ;  I  mean  no  insult.  You 
are  a  stranger  to  me,  and  I  am  only  telling  you  what,  your  head  in- 
dicates, phrenologically.  When  I  examine  a  person,  I  must  tell 
what  I  find,  and  not  lie  about  it ;  I  must  tell  the  truth  as  I  find  it. 
If  you  can't  stand  the  examination,  I  will  willingly  excuse  you." 

The  'Squire  got  so  awful  mad  that  he  left  the  platform,  while 
some  cheered  and  more  hissed.  I  am  afraid  it  will  hurt  the  'Squire, 
as  those  who  are  not  acquainted  with  him,  will  think  the  Professor 
told  the  truth,  and  all  those  who  know  him,  know  the  Professor  hit 
him  square  on  the  head  every  time. 

I  pitied  George  Waddles  and  at  the  same  time  I  was  glad  to 
have  him  get  a  dose  of  the  same  medicine  I  had  to  take.  I  said  I 
pitied  him,  and  so  I  did,  for  after  young  Bigler  got  such  a  scoring, 
he  must  have  felt  as  if  he  was  about  to  be  put  into  the  chemist's  cru- 
cible, and  thoroughly  analyzed,  and  with  his  peculiar  nature,  analy- 
zation  before  the  public,  would  be  about  as  bad  as  annihilation. 

As  the  Professor  walked  up  to  George,  I  could  see  George's 
face  turn  red,  and  he  trembled  slightly.  We  had  seen  enough  of 
the  Professor  to  know  that  he  could  handle  his  subjects  as  well  as 
his  subject,  without  gloves.  He  proceeded  as  follows  : 

"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen  :  I  wish  you  would  please  bear  in  mind, 


IO6  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

that  I  do  not  wish,  nor  intend  to  say  anything  to  hurt  any  one's 
feelings,  but  as  phrenology  is  the  key  the  Almighty  has  given  me  to- 
unlock  the  heads  and  hearts  of  the  people,  I  am  going  to  tell  what 
I  find  in  them,  truthfully,  and  if  any  one  who  may  pass  under  my 
examination  during  my  stay  with  you,  should  find  their  heads  or 
their  hearts  out  of  order,  the  best  thing  for  them  to  do,  instead  of 
becoming  angry  at  me,  is  to  change  the  wrong  things  for  right  ones,. 
to  cultivate  those  points  of  character  that  seem  to  be  deficient,  and 
suppress  the  excessively  strong  points  that  lead  in  the  wrong 
direction. 

"  If  you  will  see  phrenology  in  the  right  light,  you  will  strive 
to  understand  it,  and  will  bless  God  for  this  wonderful  key  that 
unlocks  the  chambers  of  the  soul." 

Advancing  to  Waddles,  he  said,  "  I  find,  upon  close  examination 
of  this  gentleman,  some  very  marked  and  prominent  organs,  while 
others  are  quite  deficient.  He  has  a  very  good  memory  ;  his  per- 
ceptive faculties  are  large;  his  judgment  of  men  is  quick,  and  gen- 
erally correct,  although  once  in  a  while  he  misses  it.  He  thoroughly 
understands  that  sugar  will  catch  more  flies  than  vinegar,  and  also- 
that  it  is  a  human  weakness  to  like  taffy,  and  he  always  has  a  good 
supply  of  that  article  on  hand  to  deal  out  to  men,  women,  and  chil- 
dren in  just  such  doses  as  he  thinks  they  can  swallow  without  mak- 
ing them  sick. 

"  Flattery  is  the  most  potent  sugar  to  use  in  dealing  with  the 
human  race.  Much  as  we  may  pretend  to  the  contrary,  the  real 
fact  is,  we  are  all  more  or  less  subject  to- it.  Sweet  words,  sweet 
smiles,  pleasant  things  said  to  us  about  ourselves,  please  us  much 
more  than  sour  faces  and  bitter  words. 

"  This  gentleman  thoroughly  understands  this  principle,  and,  if 
I  am  not  very  much  mistaken,  he  makes  use  of  his  knowledge  of 
this  fact  as  a  prime  factor  in  his  business  operations.  He  has  excel- 
lent calculation,  is  shrewd,  and  possesses  the  cunning  of  a  fox  ;  he 
covers  up  his  shrewd  tricks  and  plays,  so  that  most  of  the  people 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


ID/ 


cannot  discern  them ;  but  men  with  good  perception  and  penetra- 
tion, can  see  through  his  mask,  and  understand  his  motive  as  well 
as  he  can  see  into  others'.  He  is  very  avaricious ;  his  great  ambi- 
tion is  to  become  wealthy. 

"  He  doesn't  want  any  one  to  think  he  is  shrewd,  and  therefore 
frequently  pretends  to  be  very  dull.  To  illustrate:  If  I  had  a  dozen 
steers  to  sell,  and  he  wanted  them  (provided  he  could  buy  them  to 
suit  him),  he  would  happen  by  my  house  on  his  way  to  prayer- 
meeting,  or  somewhere  else ;  he  would  happen  along  just  as  I  was 
milking,  and  he  would  in  a  careless  manner  say : 


SIZING   UP  THE   STEERS. 


"  '  Got  some  nice-looking  steers  there,  h'ain't  you  ?  How  much 
will  they  weigh,  do  you  think  ? ' 

"  I  would  probably  give  him  my  idea  in  regard  to  their  heft. 
He  would  then  say  : 

"  '  What  are  fat  steers  worth  nowadays?' 

"  I  would  tell  him  the  last  price  I  had  learned.  His  quick  judg- 
ment of  weight  would  tell  him  in  an  instant  whether  I  had  over  or 
under-estimated  them,  and  being  thoroughly  posted  on  the  market 
values,  he  would  readily  know  whether  or  not  there  was  money  in 


108  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

them  if  he  could  buy  at  my  estimate ;  if  there  was,  he  would  close 
a  bargain  with  me  if  possible,  and  let  his  prayer-meeting,  or  other 
engagement,  go  to  the  winds,  and  in  less  than  a  hour  he  would  be 
home,  figuring  out  how  much  he  had  made  out  of  the  prayer-meet- 
ing speculation. 

"  This  gentleman  is  liable  to  make  a  cloak  of  great  moral  recti- 
tude and  religion,  to  cover  up  a  cold,  selfish,  remorseless  and  avari- 
cious disposition.  He  always  counts  the  cost  and  considers  the 
investment  before  he  puts  his  name  down  on  paper.  He  is  defi- 
cient in  veneration.  With  him,  serving  God  means  to  serve  him- 
self best,  and  whatever  he  contributes  to  the  religious  cause  is 
merely  incidental,  the  same  as  the  merchant  pays  the  printer  for 
advertising  his  business ;  but  he  will  be  very  careful  to  allow  no 
impression  of  insincerity  to  prevail. 

"  His  powers  of  invention  are  large,  enabling  him  to  readily 
assume  any  role  he  desires,  and  he  can  therefore  act  the  part  of  a 
zealous  Christian  so  well  as  to  deceive  the  average  man. 

"He  is  naturally  rather  cowardly,  and  shrinks  from  any  argu- 
ment or  quarrel.  He  does  not  believe  it  pays  to  combat  any  one  ;  he 
can't  see  that  it  does  any  good,  and  frequently  costs  a  man  some 
money  and  loss  of  friends.  He  is  domestic  in  his  tastes  and  habits  ; 
thinks  a  great  deal  of  his  home  and  family  ;  is  naturally  socially  in- 
clined, and,  were  it  not  for  the  expense,  would  like  to  go  into  soci- 
ety a  considerable.  He  is  very  cautious,  and  ventures  nothing, 
unless  he  is  well  satisfied  of  success  in  the  outcome. 

"  My  advice  to  him  is,  to  be  more  frank  and  honest,  and  use  less 
policy ;  be  more  considerate  of  what  will  pay  the  best  at  the  end  of 
life's  career,  than  what  will  yield  the  most  money  in  the  passing 
bargains  he  may  make. 

"  A  life  of  honesty  and  truthfulness,  with  less  lucre,  makes  the 
closing  hours  of  life's  race  more  serene  and  glorious  than  a  large 
fortune  gained  at  the  expense  of  principle  and  honor,  and  the  legacy 
left  to  the  heirs  more  valuable  in  every  sense  of  the  word." 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


109 


The  Professor  said,  as  the  time  had  passed  so  rapidly,  he  would 
make  no  further  examinations,  but  would  conclude  his  lecture  by 
reciting  an  original  poem,  entitled: 


'THE  PHRENOLOGIST'S  DREAM. 


"  Wearied  by  the  labors  of  the  day, 
The  professor  sought  to  rest  his  clay. 
His  couch  invited  him  with  its  charms 
To  seek  seclusion  in  Morpheus'  arms  ; 
While  the  busy  world  faded  from  sight 
Behind  the  sable  curtains  of  night, 
A  bright  spirit,  beautiful  and  fair, 
Winged  its  way  through  the  soft  balmy  air 


IIO  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

To  his  bedside,  and  folding  its  wings, 

Talked  to  him  of  the  wonderful  things 

That  God  had  for  his  own  glory  made. 

And  all  these  things,  the  light  and  the  shade, 

The  pale  moon,  and  the  glittering  stars, 

The  bright  sun  with  his  radiant  bars, 

The  silver  stream,  and  broad,  restless  sea, 

The  peaceful  meadows,  and  charming  lea, 

The  granite  mountains  that  pierce  the  sky 

Proclaiming  a  Creator  on  high  ; 

The  carpet  of  verdure  o'er  earth  spread, 

The  fragrant  flower  that  lifts  its  head 

To  bless  and  kiss  a  Creator's  hand, 

And  give  joy  and  brightness  to  the  land  ; 

The  cattle  that  graze  on  mead  or  hill, 

Or  slake  their  thirst  in  the  running  rill ; 

The  beasts  of  the  forest,  strong,  untame, 

Various  in  nature  and  in  name ; 

The  many-hued  birds  that  fill  the  air, 

And  in  song  proclaim  that  God  is  there  ; 

The  fishes  that  plow  the  mighty  deep, 

And  say  the  Creator  knows  no  sleep  ; 

All  these,  and  all  things  else  he  hath  made, 

To  Him  honor,  praise  and  glory  paid, 

Except  the  last  of  creation — man  ; 

Who  deliberately  laid  the  plan 

In  Eden's  fair  and  lovely  bower, 

To  defy  his  Creator's  power, 

To  show  the  world  that  man  would  not  die 

If  he  ate  the  fruit  that  pleased  the  eye  ; 

Adam  took  from  the  tempter's  hand 

The  apple  fair,  that  cursed  the  land, 

And  by  disobedience  fell  . 

From  Eden  fair  to  Orthodox  hell. 

"  Now  go  with  me  to  history's  tower — 
Man's  record  of  weakness  and  power 
While  tossed  upon  the  ocean  of  time  ; 
And  there  you  will  trace  in  every  line, 
The  motive  that  inspires  his  action 
To  be  his  own,  and  not  other's  good. 
From  its  lofty  height  where  prophets  stood, 
And  with  mystic  vision  foretold  the  strife 
Of  selfish  man  on  the  field  of  life, 
I'll  show  you  a  mighty,  boundless  sea 
Of  struggling,  restless  humanity, 
With  rocky  shoals  and  fathomless  deep. 
Whose  surging  billows  in  motion  keep. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  Ill 

"  The  masses  ebb  and  flow  with  the  tide, 
While  a  few  souls  on  the  breakers  ride 
Like  nauticals  in  a  ship  of  state, 
Controlled  by  ambition,  love  or  hate. 
Their  glory  is  for  a  single  day, 
Then,  like  butterflies,  they  pass  away, 
And  into  deep  oblivion  sink, 
While  passers  by  stop  only  to  think 
Of  their  deeds,  both  for  good  and  evil, 
And  wonder  if  with  God  or  Devil 
Their  poor  souls  found  an  abiding  place, 
After  they  had  run  their  earthly  race. 

"  A  glorious  few,  a  few  indeed, 

Were  ever  born  to  take  the  lead, 

To  hold  the  sway  in  mind's  dominion, 

To  form  and  shape  public  opinion, 

Their  names  are  written  on  these  pages  old, 

Where  also  their  life's  story  is  told. 

"  Then  taking  my  hand,  the  spirit  bright, 

Led  me  unto  a  wonderful  sight, 

A  large  room  on  whose  walls  were  displayed 

The  heads  of  all  these  great  men  arrayed 

In  their  glory.     Then  said.  Would  you  know 

The  secret  by  which  these  great  men  show 

Their  strength  and  power  ?    Then  take  this  kej, 

Unlock  their  heads,  and  then  you  will  see, 

The  mystery— it  is  PHRENOLOGY." 


112  SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE   BENS 


CHAPTER  X. 

fHE  chief  topic  of  conversation  in  our  neighborhood  for  the 
past  week  has  been  the  lecture  of  Professor  Feeler.  And  I 
daren't  go  into  a  neighbor's  house  for  fear  they'll  want  to  feel 
of  my  head,  just  to  see  if  am  such  an  all-fired  fool  as  that  professor 
tried  to  make  out  I  was. 

Even  old  Jim  Smuggins,  who  doesn't  know  enough  to  pack 
down  a  hog  in  butchering  time  to  keep  it  from  spoiling  before 
spring,  said  to  me  t'other  night,  when  Clarissa  and  1  was  up  to  his 
house  spending  the  evening :  "  Uncle  Ben,  just  let  me  examine  that 
ar  top-knot  of  your'n,  and  see  if  I  can't  find  more  in  it  than  Feeler 
did." 

Said  I,  "Look  here,  you  infernal  old  infidel,  if  a  man  is  such  a 
ignorant  old  fool,  and  low,  mean  cuss  as  to  not  know  there  is  a  God, 
who  created  all  things,  and  who  engineers  the  whole  universe,  he  is 
too  mean  and  ignorant  to  run  his  fingers  through  my  scatterin'  locks, 
hunting  for  bumps  that  the  Almighty  put  there.  If  I  haint  got  as 
large  a  crop  of  bumps  on  my  head  as  some  of  our  great  men  have 
got,  I  haint  to  blame  for  it.  The  Almighty  knows  pretty  well  what 
kind  of  soil  is  best  adapted  to  raising  intellectual  and  etcetera, 
bumps  on,  and  it  there  haint  rich  enough  soil  in  my  head  to  develop 
as  many  and  as  big  bumps  as  Clarissa,  or  Horace  Greeley,  or 
Daniel  Webster,  and  a  few  others  I  could  mention,  had  I  time,  it's  no 
fault  of  mine,  for  I  had  nothing  to  do  in  getting  myself  up,  but  I'll 
take  just  as  good  care  of  what  few  I  have  got  as  I  know  how  to,  and 
see  they  don't  grow  less ;  and  what  time  I  am  allowed  on  this 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  113 

earth  I'll  use  in  doing  the  best  I  can  with  'em,  and  when  the  ferry, 
boat  whistles  for  me  to  get  on  board  for  the  other  shore  of  that 
stream  that  we've  all  got  to  cross,  and  the  Captain  calls  for  the  fare, 
I'll  just  point  to  the  few  bumps  I  have  and  say  to  him,  '  Here  is  all 
I've  got;  you  loaned  'em  to  me;  I've  done  the  best  I  knew  how  to 
with  'em,  and  how  take  'em,  they're  yours,  it's  all  I've  got;  what 
little  I've  done  with  'em  is  left  back  there.  You  can  judge  whether 
it's  good  or  bad  work,  and  deal  with  me  accordingly.' 

"  Now,  Jim  Smuggins,  what  will  you  say  to  the  Captain?  You'll 
have  to  say  something  to  him.  I  know  what  you  will  say.  You'll 
look  up  at  him  like  a  whipped  cur,  and  say,  '  I  haint  got  nothin'  to 
give  you.  I  didn't  know  I  had  got  to  cross  this  stream  before;  I 

didn't  believe  there  was  any 
ferry-boat  to  cross  it  on,  even  if 
there  was  such  a  stream :  and  I 
didn't  know,  nor  1  didn't  believe 
there  was  any  Captain  on  the 
boat,  even  if  there  was  a  boat, 
and  I  didn't  believe  the  Captain 


CAPTAIN   OF   THE   FERRY   BOAT. 


would  exact  any  fare  from  me,  even  if  there  was  a  Captain,  and 
so  I  haint  prepared  to  give  you  anything.' 


114  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 

"  That's  the  same  story  that  all  you  infidels  will  have  for  the 
Captain.  You  have  been  all  your  lives  trying  to  hatch  up  some 
infernal  lie  to  give  the  Captain. on  this  last  trip,  that  you  know  well 
enough  you've  got  to  take ;  but  you  mark  what  I  tell  you,  Jim  Smug, 
gins,  the  gang-plank  will  be  barely  hauled  in,  and  the  boat  will  have 
just  left  the  dock,  when  the  Captain  will  cast  every  one  of  you  dead 
beat  unbelievers  overboard  ;  and  you'll  wallow  around  in  the  dark 
and  murky  waters  of  despond  and  despair,  without  any  light  to 
show  you  the  way  out,  and  you  will  never  get  out. 

"You  may  think  it's  wonderful  smart  to  make  all  sorts  of  fun 
and  ridicule  of  everybody's  religious  opinions,  and  try  to  make  out 
the  Bible  is  a  lie,  and  God  is  a  myth,  a  creation  of  the  imaginationx 
and  all  such  stuff ;  but  it's  a  mistake  you  are  making,  and  only  shows 
to  thinking,  reflecting  and  intelligent  minds  what  a  idiot  you  are." 

Clarissa  and  the  other  women  had  been  listening  to  our  con- 
versation closely.  She  couldn't  hold  in  any  longer,  and  she  began 
on  a  new  idea,  at  least  it  was  new  to  me,  although  I  have  known  for 
a  long  time  that  she  had  philosophized  a  different  theory  than  most 
folks  entertain  in  regard  to  the  human  soul  and  its  future  destiny^ 
She  spoke  up  in  an  animated  manner,  and  said  : 

"  Now,  in  my  humble  opinion,  you  are  both  talking  on  a  subject 
that  you  don't  know  anything  about.  Mr.  Smuggins,  you  certainly 
don't  know  much,  if  anything,  about  the  Bible ;  if  you  did,  you 
wouldn't  make  such  false  statements  as  you  do  in  regard  to  it,  and 
you  are  equally  as  ignorant  in  regard  to  nature — at  any  rate,  you 
don't  exhibit  an}7  knowledge  of  either  in  your  everlasting  pratin'  of 
your  infidel  opinions.  If  you  will  study  the  operations  of  nature, 
and  take  the  results  of  investigations  of  men  \vh"o  have  devoted  their 
lives  to  study,  and  who  by  nature  are  endowed  with  mental  power 
that  towers  as  much  above  yours  and  mine  as  the  Alps  do  above  the 
ant-hill  in  the  meadow,  and  then  compare  them  with  a  careful 
analysis  of  the  Bible,  you  will  both  see  that  you  are  wonderfully 
in  the  dark,  especially  you,  Mr.  Smuggins,  Benjamin  is  honest  in 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  115 

his  convictions,  and  tries  to  do  his  duty  in  the  light  of  'em,  while 
you  are  not  honest  in  what  you  talk  on  this  subject.  You  have  no 
well-defined  convictions,  and  consequently  have  nothing  to  teach 
you  duty,  except  a  kind  of  instinct  common  to  animals  in  general. 
I  don't  mean  to  be  disrespectful,  but  I  do  mean  that  by  your  contin- 
ual harping  upon  the  subject  of  atheism  and  unbelief,  you  have 
crushed  out  of  your  heart  whatever  convictions  of  a  moral  nature 
you  may  have  had  in  a  younger  and  tenderer  age. 

"  I  was  reading  Dr.  Draper's  recently  published  book,  this  morn- 
ing, and  there  was  one  thing  that  impressed  me  as  being  similar 
to  what  I  have  for  a  long  time  believed  in  regard  to  the  human  soul. 
I've  got  the  book  in  my  pocket,  and  I  want  to  read  it  to  you.  Here 
it  is,  '  Tracing  a  Drop  of  Water  : ' 

"  'A  particle  of  water  arising  from  the  sea  may  ascend  invisibly 
through  the  air,  it  may  float  above  us  in  the  cloud,  it  may  fall  in  the 
raindrop,  sink  into  the  earth,  gush  forth  in  the  fountain,  enter  the  roots 
of  a  plant,  rise  up  with  the  sap  to  the  leaves,  be  there  decomposed  by 
the  sun  into  its  constituent  elements,  its  oxygen  and  hydrogen.  Of 
these  and  other  elements,  acids  and  oils  and  various  organic  com- 
pounds may  be  made  ;  in  these,  or  its  own  undecomposed  state,  it  may 
be  received  into  the  food  of  animals,  circulated  in  the  blood,  be  es- 
sentially concerned  in  the  acts  of  intellection  executed  by  the  brain  ; 
it  may  be  expired  in  the  breath.  Though  shed  in  the  tear,  in  mo- 
ments of  despair,  it  may  give  birth  to  the  rainbow,  the  emblem  of 
hope.  Whatever  the  course  through  which  it  has  passed,  whatever 
the  mutations  it  has  undergone,  whatever  the  forces  it  has  submitted 
to,  its  elementary  constituents  endure.  Not  only  have  they  not 
been  annihilated,  they  have  not  even  been  changed,  and  in  a  period 
of  time,  long  or  short,  they  find  their  way,  as  water,  back  again  to 
the  sea,  from  whence  they  came.' 

"  Now,  there  is  given  in  a  few  sentences  the  result  of  deep  study 
and  investigation,  not  of  Dr.  Draper  alone,  but  a  great  many  scien- 
tific men  who  have  preceded  him.  What  is  true  in  regard  to  the 


Il6  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

drop  of  water,  is  also  true  in  regard  to  all  the  elements  of  the  material 
universe  ;  none  of  them  are  lost,  or  even  changed,  although  they 
are  continually  changing  positions,  parting  with  old  and  forming 
new  associates.  They  are  brought  into  activity  by  the  invisible  in- 
fluence of  the  sun.  All  this  is  done  in  a  regular  order,  everything 
in  the  material  world  working  under  the  system  of  natural  law. 

"  Now  my  opinion  is,  that  we  have  in  the  material  nature  a  type 
of  the  spiritual,  and  I  think  the  Bible,  when  rightlv  understood, 
conveys  the  same  idea.  God  is  the  great  spirit  power  that  animates 
everything  ;  that  is  the  life  of  all  things  that  exist.  While  this 
power  animates  the  human  clay  for  a  few  moments  of  time,  and  then 
leaves  it,  it  as  certainly  returns  to  Himself,  the  Great  Spirit  fount- 
ain, as  does  the  drop  of  water  return  to  the  sea.  .  It  may,  perchance, 
energize  a  mortal  that  is  so  frail  as  to  fall  into  all  sorts  of  vice,  wal- 
low around  in  mire  and  filth,  for  a  time,  but  it  will  certainly  emerge 
from  its  poor  association  and  return  to  itself,  its  author,  a  pure, 
free  spirit,  pure  by  being  freed  from  its  material  association. 

"If  this  thought — which  is  clearly  taught  us  by  all  of  nature's 
operations,  is  true — then  it  follows  that  the  doctrine  of  eternal  future 
punishment  of  the  wicked  and  the  eternal  future  happiness  of  the 
righteous,  or  of  the  eternal  separation  of  the  two  classes,  falls  to  the 
ground.  The  doctrine  of  rewards  and  punishments,  in  fact,  has 
no  ground.  It  is  the  invention  of  man — man  governed  by  feel- 
ings not  in  accord  with  natural  or  divine  laws.  So  also  is  the 
doctrine  false,  perniciously  false,  that  there  is  no  God ;  for  He  is 
the  Great,  Supreme  Spirit  power,  the.  All  in  All  by  which  we  all 
^exist,  and  to  whom  we  must  yield  this  vital  spark,  this  spirit  He  has 
by  His  own  law  placed  in  our  clay." 

Said  I;  "  Clarissa,  if  your  idea  is  true,  then  what's  the  use  of  be- 
ing good  ?  You  haint  no  better  off  than  if  you  was  as  mean  as 
pussly." 

She  replied,  "That  is  all  foolishness.  Should  it  for  one  moment 
lessen  our  moral  responsibility  because  we  have  no  heaven  to  gain 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  1 1/ 

for  doing  what  we  ought  to  do,  and  no  hell  to  scare  us  away  from 
doing  what  we  ought  not  to  do?  The  fact  that  man  is  endowed 
with  an  intellect  capable  of  evolving  thought  (the  divine  image  in. 
man)  is  sufficient  reason  for  us  to  do  right  and  shun  wrong.  That 
our  own  highest  happiness  and  the  happiness  of  our  fellow  men  in 
this  life  is  only  secured  by  doing  right,  is  the  great  lever  that  should 
move  us  to  act  in  harmony  with  the  moral  law. 

"  Any  man  that  will  serve  God  because  he  expects  to  get  a 
crown  of  jewels  and  a  seat  in  the  kingdom,  and  to  walk  the  golden 
streets  of  the  New  Jerusalem,  is  an  avaricious  and  selfish  being,  ex- 
pecting large  pay  for  doing  nothing  but  what  he  ought  to  do,  and 
is  unworthy  to  receive  any  such  reward  ;  and  any  man  that  is  such 
a  coward  that  it  requires  a  hell  to  make  him  do  his  duty  to  himself, 
his  family  and  his  fellow  men,  deserves  punishment  for  his  coward- 
ice instead  of  reward  for  being  scared  into  doing  right,  and  that 
punishment  he  will  receive  in  life,  for  not  being  true,  but  wearing  a 
mask  that  illy  becomes  him. 

"  Christ  was  a  type  of  a  perfect  man,  and  the  spirit  manifested 
in  his  life  was  pure  and  not  contaminated  with  its  earthly  tabernacle, 
and  shows  to  the  world  what  man  ought  to  be,  and  what  he  can  be 
by  strict  obedience  of  the  moral  law.  He  neither  held  in  one  hand 
a  ticket  to  heaven  to  buy  man  to  do  his  duty,  nor  a  whip  in  the  other 
to  drive  him  to  hell  for  not  doing  it ;  but  He  taught  men  the  moral 
law  by  precept  and  example,  and  showed  them  that  they  had  it  in 
their  power  to  make  their  own  happiness  or  misery.  And  he  who 
obeys  the  moral  law  while  on  earth  receives  the  just  reward,  not  as  a 
gift  for  obedience,  but  as  a  result  that  cannot  be  denied ;  and  the  re- 
verse is  equally  true.  In  my  opinion  this  is  the  idea  intended  to  be 
conveyed  to  men  in  the  great  volume  that  is  ever  open  to  us." 

I  was  surprised  at  the  way  Clarissa  handled  the  subject. 
Smuggins  looked  astonished  at  her,  but  couldn't  say  a  word  in  re- 
ply. Sarah  Smuggins  looked  up  to  her  father  after  a  few  moments 
of  silence  that  followed  the  remarks  of  Clarissa,  and  said  to  him : 


Il8  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

"  Pa,  what  have  you  got  to  say  to  that  ?" 

He  looked  red  in  the  face,  then  took  a  cud  of  tobacco  out  of  his 
mouth,  threw  it  on  the  stove  hearth,  and  squirted  a  lot  of  tobacco 
juice  after  it,  wiped  his  mouth  on  his  coat  sleeve,  and  replied  : 

"  Nuthin' !" 

Says  I,  "Jim,  don't  you  want  to  examine  Clarissa's  top-knot 
and  see  if  you  can't  find  more  in  it  than  the  Professor  did  ?" 

Said  he,  "  No.  She's  got  more  in  it  than  I  ever  dreamed  of,  and 
she  has  said  more  for  you  and  me  both  to  think  of  than  I  ever  heard 
any  one  say  before  on  that  point.  I  guess  I'll  look  it  up,  and  if  she  is 
right  I'll  change  my  ideas." 

I  said,  "  You  can't  look  it  up  any  too  soon." 

"  Well,"  says  he,  "you  haint  got  much  to  brag  about,,  for  she 
has  taken  the  starch  out  of  your  biled  linen." 

Sarah  had  been  quiet  as  long  as  she  could  stand  it,  and  finally 
broke  out : 

"Well,  perhaps  Mrs.  Morgan  is  right,  and  perhaps  she  isn't; 
but  there  wouldn't  be  any  necessity  for  any  moral  law  or  anything 
of  the  sort  if  things  was  done  right  in  the  first  place.  All  this  comes 
because  old  Adam  was  created  before  Eve  was,  and  just  like  the 
men  have  always  been  ever  since  that  performance — claimed  the 
right  to  boss  everything  just  because  he  was  on  the  ground  first.  If 
Eve  had  been  made  first  things  would  have  all  been  different.  She 
would  have  made  the  bigoted  thing  stand  around  and  do  what  was 
right.  And  the  women  of  the  world  would  have  managed  the 
affairs  and  made  the  men  do  right.  They  would  make  the  men  re- 
spect them,  and  we  wouldn't  have  such  a  state  of  affairs  as  there  is 
now.  We  wouldn't  have  any  rum  and  rows,  and  fighting  and  mur- 
der, and  all  sorts  of  wickedness. 

"  But  as  woman  wasn't  made  first,  and  things  are  as  they  be,  it  is 
the  duty  of  the  women  to  reverse  the  order  of  things,  and  take  the 
lead  and  management  of  things  throughout  the  world." 

Said  I,  "Sarah,  what  a  pity  it  is  you  wasn't  born  before  the 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  I  IQ 

Creator  was,  so  you  could  have  shown  Him  how  to  commence 
business." 

Clarissa  spoke  in  a  sarcastic  sort  of  way  and  said,  "  If  we  are  to 
believe  what  sacred  history  tells  us,  the  woman  took  the  reins  of 
government  out  of  the  man's  hands  the  first  day  she  met  him  in  the 
garden,  and  told  him  what  to  do,  and  he  minded  her;  and  also  that 
she  was  the  first  to  transgress  the  law." 

I  spoke,  and  said,  "And  she  has  kept  the  lines  in  her  hands  ever 


SARAH    SMUGGINS   WHEN   A  GIRL. 


since,  I  think;  the  only  women  that  1  know  of  that  does  much 
kickin',  is  them  that  can't  find  some  poor  feller  to  hitch  onto." 

At  this  remark  Sarah  flew  mad,  and  said,  "Well!  for  her  part 
she  never  had  seen  a  man  yet  she  would  tie  her  lines  to,  and  she 
pitied  any  woman  that  was  fool  enough  to  do  such  a  thing." 

"  Why,  la  sake,   Sarah,  how  you  talk,"  said  old  Mrs.  Smug- 


120  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEX'S 

gins.  "  You  have  forgot  what  a  powerful  sight  of  trouble  you  made 
your  father  and  me,  when  you  was  determined  to  marry  that  rattle- 
headed Dugood  that  the  Smith  gal  married  ;  you'd  ride  the  front 
gate  a  watchin'  for  him  to  come  along  'till  you  broke  seven  pairs  of 
hinges,  and  you  wouldn't  sleep  nights,  and  would  go  round  the 
house  daytime  a  dreamin',  and  would  put  sugar  in  the  butter  for  salt, 
and  put  salt  in  the  coffee  for  sugar,  and  write  notes  and  send  to  him  ; 
and  almost  went  crazy  when  you  found  he  was  goin'  to  marry  the 
Smith  gal.  Perhaps  you've  forgot  it,  but  I  haint." 

"  Well,  mother,"  said  Sarah,  "  I  think  it's  real  mean  for  you  to 
tell  everything  I  done  when  I  was  a  foolish  girl,  right  before  these 
folks." 

We  saw  there  was  a  storm  coming  up  sudden-like,  and  if  there 
is  one  thing  on  earth  that  Clarissa  dislikes  more  than  another  it  is  a 
row,  especially  a  regular  family  storm,  so  with  a  calm  and  dignified 
complexion  onto  her  face,  in  a  tender  tone  she  said,  "  Well,  Ben,  it's 
getting  late  and  we  must  go  home ;  we  left  Mary  all  alone  in  the 
house  with  no  one  but  Ebenezer  Plunket,  and  she'll  be  lonesome, 
and  like  as  not  half  scared  to  death,  and  we  must  go  right  away  ;" 
and  suiting  her  actions  to  her  words,  she  rose  majestically  and  pinned 
her  shawl  and  bonnet  on.  After  extending  the  customary  invita- 
tions to  come  over  and  spend  an  evening  with  us,  we  bid  them  good- 
night, and  walked  out  into  the  starlight  night,  and  started  home- 
ward. 

Arm  in  arm  we  walked  along,  commenting  upon  our  visit  and 
what  was  said.  I  said,  "  I  hope  what  you  said  will  cause  Jim  to 
think,  and  change  his  mind.  I  believe  you  are  right." 

"  Yes,"  replied  Clarissa,  "  I  hope  Mr.  Smuggins  and  every 
(Other  man  will  study  the  great  question  of  what  is  right  and  wrong 
for  them  to  do,  and  will  strive  to  do  right  at  all  times  and  under  all 
circumstances.  If  we  will  all  do  our  duty  here  it  matters  not  what 
theory  we  may  have  in  regard  to  that  unknown  future,  when  the 
last  night  closes  in  upon  us ;  it  will  be  one  of  delightful  rest ;  soft 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


121 


breezes  to  cool  the  lifeworn  and  tired  body  ;  while  deeds  of  kind- 
ness, charity,  truth  and  love,  and  devotion  to  principle,  will  shine 
above  and  around  us,  as  do  these  glorious  stars  in  the  heaven,  all 
seeming  to  say,  '  Well  done,  thou  art  entitled  to  a  blissful  repose ; 
thy  life  has  not  been  a  blank,  but  one  of  benefit  to  the  world.' " 

When  we    arrived    home   we    noticed    a    dim    light    in    the 
front  room.      Clarissa  thought  she  would   go   up   kind  o'  cat-like 


WATCHING  MARY  ANL)  EBENEZER. 


and  peek  into  the  window,  and  see  if  Mary  was  there.  When 
she  got  to  the  window  she  saw  Ebenezer  a'  settin'  in  the  big  rocking- 
chair,  and  Mary  settin'  in  his  lap  comfortable-like,  and  she  didn't 
look  a  mite  scared  nor  lonesome.  Then  we  both  stepped  onto  the 
front  porch  floor,  heavy-like,  and  scraped  our  feet,  then  opened  the 
door  and  walked  right  into  the  room.  The  light  was  turned  up 
real  high,  and  Mary  was  setting  on  one  side  of  the  stand,  doing- 
some  needle-work,  and  Ebenezer  was  on  t'other  side,  reading  out 
loud  from  Logan's  "  Great  Conspiracy."  They  was  both  the  very 
picture  of  dignified  innocence.  I  said,  "  Mary,  have  you  been 
scared  any  since  we  went  away?" 


122  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 

"  Not  a  mite,"  she  said  ;  "  what  made  you  think  I  would  be?" 

"Oh,  nothing,"  said  I,  "only  your  mother  thought  you  might 
be,  so  we  came  home  early." 

"  Well,"  she  replied,  "  I'm  sorry  you  hurried  on  my  account." 
Ebenezer  looked  a  little  carroty-colored  in  the  face,  and  confused- 
like. 

We  set  down  and  talked  about  neighborhood  affairs  and  about 
the  lecture.  Ebsaid  young  Biglerwas  bilin'  mad  at  the  Professor; 
it  was  a  little  more  than  he  could  stand  to  have  the  truth  told  on 
him.  He  has  had  the  idea  that  he  was  a  little  smarter  than  any  man  in 
this  part  of  the  country,  and  has  been  expecting  to  run  the  political 
machine,  and  get  elected  to  the  Legislature ;  but  the  Professor's 
examination  kind  o'  tore  the  mask  off  of  him,  and  give  the  people 
a  chance  to  see  what  kind  of  a  feller  he  really  was,  and  he  is  afraid 
it  will  hurt  his  chance  for  the  office  he  is  anxious  to  have.  1  told 
him  that  Bigler  was  foolish  to  get  mad  about  that;  the  Professor 
was  only  an  ordinary  man,  and  guessed  at  one-half  he  said  about 
anybody's  head.  Ebenezer  said  that  might  be  so,  but  he  hit  Bigler 
and  Waddles  right  square  every  time,  and  didn't  miss  them  a  mite. 
They  are  both  as  dishonest  as  they  could  be  :  one  is  all  policy  with 
the  voters,  and  t'other  is  all  policy  with  the  church  folks,  and  every, 
body  else,  where  he  thinks  he  can  make  a  dollar.  They  are  both 
infernal  hypocrites  and  shams.  I  told  him  I  guessed  there  was  no 
room  for  any  argument  on  that  point. 

The  clock  struck  ten,  which  was  one  hour  later  than  we  was  in 
the  habit  of  settin'  up,  and  we  thought,  by  the  way  Mary  fidgeted,  and 
the  hard  work  Eb  had  in  thinking  what  to  talk  about,  that  our  room 
was  more  desirable  than  our  company,  and  so  we  went  to  bed  and 
left  them  in  possession  of  the  square  room  once  more.  Both  of 
them  seemed  to  be  relieved  of  a  load  of  something  when  we  bid 
them  good-night. 

How  tedious  and  tasteless  the  hours, 
When  kindred  souls  are  kept  apart; 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  12? 

When  Cupid  cannot  use  his  powers 
To  draw  his  bow  and  shoot  his  dart. 

Dear  parents  are  good  in  their  sphere; 

Their  sphere  is  large  in  Mary's  eyes, 
But  when  her  Ebenezer  comes  here, 

He  is  her  all,  her  only  prize. 

It's  hard  work  for  Ebenezer 

To  talk  of  rascals  and  their  mask, 
\Vhen  Mary  wants  him  to  squeeze  her, 

And  he  is  dying  for  the  task. 

So  we  had  better  go  to  bed, 

And  leave  them  to  their  glory, 
And  not  listen  to  what  is  said, 

When  love  is  telling  its  story. 

Them  is  Clarissa's  and  my  sentiments,  and  we  advise  everybody 
to  let  lovers  alone  when  they  want  to  talk,  for  it's  the  only  time  in 
their  whole  lives  they  will  have  to  find  out  whether  they  want  each 
other  for  life,  or  whether  they  can  get  each  other.  So  we  want  all 
our  friends  to  join  us  in  saying  good-night  to  Ebenezer  and  Mary, 
whether  they  be  our  Mary  and  Eb,  or  some  one  else's. 


124  SHAMS;  OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 


CHAPTER    XI. 

HINGS  have  been  running  in  the  usual  way  in  our  neigh- 
borhood for  the  past  two  months.  Threshing,  husking  corn, 
digging  potatoes,  gathering  apples,  making  cider,  et  cetera 
and  et  cetera.  And  to  keep  the  social  engine  moving,  and  give  the 
young  folks  an  opportunity  to  unload  their  accumulating  burden  of 
love  and  moonshine,  there  have  been  a  number  of  paring  bees  and 
huskings,  and  a  few  picnic  parties  down  to  the  lake. 

Zolliver  Ramsdell  and  Nancy  Boyles  concluded  they  had  en- 
dured the  anticipation  of  future  bliss  about  as  long  as  they  could 
stand  it,  and  decided  they  would  enter  upon  the  realization  of 
what  joys  belong  to  the  marriage  state.  By  the  assistance  of  Rev. 
Jonas  Danberry  they  placed. their  names  on  the  roll  of  independent 
families,  as  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Ramsdell.  The  affair  took  place  down  to 
Mrs.  Boyles'  house  on  the  i$th  of  September.  Nearly  all  the  neigh- 
bors was  there ;  Ebenezer  and  Mary  stood  up  with  them  when  they 
was  married,  and  they  become  so  interested  in  the  proceeding,  that 
when  Rev.  Danberry  said,  "  Let  the  parties  join  hands,"  Ebenezer 
and  Mary  grabbed  each  other's  hands,  and  stood  blushing  at  the 
minister,  not  really  thinking  what  they  was  doing  until  the  minister 
asked  in  a  peculiar  manner,  which  couple  he  was  to  unite.  Then  they 
came  to  consciousness  as  quick  as  a  flash  of  lightning.  Mary  felt 
as  if  she  had  received  a  shock.  The  smile  that  was  visible  on  the 
faces  of  the  assembled  neighbors  and  others,  found  an  audible  ex- 
pression, to  the  discomfort  of  both  Eb  and  Mary,  who  retired  from 
their  position  on  an  Eb  tide.  They  were  not  seen  again  until  they 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  12$ 

was  brought  into  the  supper  room  by  a  searching  party,  who  found 
them  in  the  northwest  corner  of  the  orchard.  Aside  from  this  lit- 
tle mistake,  Zolliver  and  Nancy  completed  their  part  of  the  cere- 
mony  in  good  shape  amid  the  applause  and  congratulations  of  their 
numerous  friends  and  the  rest  of  the  folks  that  was  waiting  with 
pent-up  appetites,  to  devour  the  fatted  calf  and  other  delicacies  to 
be  served  up  in  the  supper-room. 

At  the  table  Ebenezer  and  Mary  received  a  good  many  jokes 
and  rubs,  until  Eb  finally  mustered  up  courage  like  a  giant,  and 
spoke  right  out  and  said  :  "  Well,  if  we  did  make  a  little  mistake, 
I  don't  see  that  it's  very  much  to  laugh  at ;  the  next  time  we  do  it 
we  won't  run  away,  but  will  stand  there  and  let  the  minister  guess 
who  it  is  that  wants  to  be  married  ;  won't  we,  Mary?"  And  Mary 
blushingly  replied,  "  I  suppose  it  will  be  just  as  you  say,  Eb." 

Rev.  Danberry  promptly  suggested  the  present  occasion  as  a 
fitting  time  for  the  re-occurrence  of  the  accident,  but  Ebenezer  said, 
"  Not  just  now,  but  when  there  was  a  minister  handy  by  who  could 
tell,  without  asking,  who  wanted  to  get  married,"  and  so  Danberry 's 
prospect  of  another  five  dollar  job  vanished,  while  a  calm  settled 
down  around  the  table  like  a  pall,  disturbed  only  by  the  rattle  of 
dishes  and  the  oscillating  motion  of  the  under  jaws  of  thirty-five 
hungry  mouths,  until  Clarissa  remarked, — 

"  Mrs.  Boyles,  what  excellent  biscuits  these  are ;  I  never 
tasted  of  any  better." 

"  Yes,"  said  Mrs.  Boyles,  "  Nancy  made  them  ;  she's  a  splendid 
bread-maker." 

Another  short  calm  ensued,  when  Lily  Doolittle  spoke  up  in  her 
innocent  manner  and  said,  "  I  am  so  glad  the  fashion  for  women  to 
wear  short  hair  has  come  around  ;  it  is  such  a  bother  to  take  care  of 
long  hair,  and  then,  hairpins  are  not  only  extremely  bothersome, 
but  they  are  positively  dangerous." 

I  made  no  comments  on  the  whole  of  this  occasion.  I  do  not 
just  now  remember  of  opening  my  mouth  but  once  except  at  the 


126 


SHAMS;    OK,    UNCLE   BEN'S. 


table,  while  I  was  there,  and  that  was  when  I  kissed  the  bride  with 
the  rest  of  the  procession  that  passed  by  her,  but  I  could  not  help 
thinking  then,  and  I  haint  stopped  thinking  yet,  why  it  is  that  some 
folks  instinctively  (as  it  were),  spring  a  conversation  upon  the  most 
disagreeable  topic,  just  at  a  time  when  both  peace  of  mind  and 
tranquility  of  stomach  demand  the  choicest  language  and  upon  the 
most  agreeable  topic.  If  ever  there  is  a  time  when  pleasant  sub- 


KISSING  THE  BRIDE. 


jects  ot  conversation  should  be  selected  and  choice,  pleasing  lan- 
guage used,  it  is  at  the  table,  when  that  organ,  the  stomach,  which 
is  very  sensitive,  can  be  stimulated  to  increased  powers  of  digestion 
by  delicate  and  pleasant  conversation,  or  nauseated,  if  not  com- 
pletely paralyzed,  by  unpleasant  words  associated  with  unpleasant 
memories.  Now  the  remark  of  the  innocent  Miss  Doolittle  called 
up  the  narrow  escape  the  old  lady  Boyles  had  from  Nancy's  hair- 
pin in  the  biscuit,  and  the  entire  party  had  their  sufficiency  of  a  de- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  12? 

licious  meal,  carefully  prepared  and  nicely  served.  Lily's  remark 
was  like  ipecac  thrown  into  the  soup. 

Thoughtless  and  needless,  unpleasant  remarks  similar  to  those  of 
Lily's,  made  in  the  sick  room,  arrest  the  progress  of  the  patient's 
recovery^  put  a  damper  upon  the  doctor's  success  and  frequently 
supply  the  undertaker  with  work  he  ought  not  to  have.  In  society 
it  sends  the  raven  croaking  from  house  to  house,  destroys  the  peace 
and  happiness  of  home,  keeps  the  lawyer  busy,  fills  the  public  press 
with  sensational  matter  and  is  the  daily  diet  of  tattlers  an  I  mischief- 
makers.  Prospects  are  blighted  and  the  honey  of  life  frequently 
turned  to  wormwood  and  gall  by  ignorant  thoughtlessness  in 
conversation. 

I  did  not  intend  on  this  occasion,  to  indulge  in  criticisms  on  the 
frailties  of  human  nature.  My  own  frailty  should  forbid  any  such 
criticism. 

After  supper  the  young  folks  had  a  dance,  and  Zolliver  and 
Nancy  was  made  the  recipients  of  some  nice  presents.  A  host  of 
jokes  was  freely  passed  around  at  jhe  expense  of  Zolliver  and 
Nancy,  and  Eb  and  Mary. 

There  has  been  considerable  excitement  throughout  our 
county  for  the  last  month  on  account  of  the  election  tfoat  has  just 
passed  off.  This  being  an  off-year  in  politics,  as  they  call  it,  there 
wasn't  so  much  interest  taken  in  the  State  ticket  as  the  county  ticket. 
The  people  got  more  excited  in  the  contest  for  assembly-man  than 
any  of  the  other  candidates.  They  had  a  lively  time  at  the  caucus 
down  to  the  village  in  electing  delegates  to  the  county  convention, 
but  there  was  a  good  deal  more  excitement  at  the  convention  than 
at  the  caucus.  Young  Bigler  was  at  the  Republican  convention  and 
working  as  hard  as  he  could  to  get  the  nomination  for  member  of 
the  Assembly  on  the  Republican- ticket,  but  it  was  no  go;  they 
didn't  want  him,  and  they  gave  him  the  grand  snub,  by  nominating 
Thomas  Conners,  a  smart  yotmg  lawyer  at  the  village.  Disap- 
pointed in  his  failure,  young  Bigler  immediately  deserted  the  Re- 


128  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 

publican  party  and  became  a  rabid  Democrat.  The  Democrats  held 
their  convention  a  week  after  the  Republicans.  Young  Bigler  suc- 
ceeded in  getting  the  nomination  at  this  convention.  He  promised 
to  work  faithfully  for  them.  The  county  is  very  strongly  Republi- 
can, so  his  prospects  was  not  very  bright,  but  he  went  to  work  mak- 
ing speeches  all  over  the  county,  speaking  in  the  schoolhouses  every 
night  until  election  day. 

He  attempted  to  show  up  the  rascality  of  the  Republicans,  and 
the  necessity  of  a  reform,  and  worked  in  all  the  claptrap  that  politi- 
cal stump  speakers  use  for  fillin'  in  their  wind  puddings ;  but  where 
he  spread  himself  in  the  biggest  style,  and  soared  the  most  was  on 
Free  Trade.  "  Free  Trade,"  said  he,  "  Fellow  Citizens,  is  the  main 
log  in  our  raft ;  we  maintain  that  the  Creator  made  us  all  free  and 
equal,  and  gave*  us  the  air  in  the  heavens  to  breathe  freely,  and  the 
water  of  the  earth  foi  our  free  use,  and  the  land  and  its  products 
from  one  end  of  this  vast  world  to  the  other,  should  be  equally  free 
to  us.  And  it  is  contrary  to  divine  law  and  judgment  to  put  an  em- 
bargo on  everything  we  want  to  buy  of  our  neighbors,  whether  they 
live  on  the  farm  that  jo*ins  us,  or  over  in  England,  France,  Turkey. 
Russia  or  China,  or  any  other  part  of  the  world ;  we  have  no  right 
to  say  others  shouldn't  sell  us  their  goods  at  any  price  they  was  a 
mind  to,  or  give  'em  to  us  if  they  wanted  to.  No,  sirs,  gentlemen, 
everything  should  be  put  on  a  free  basis  so  far  as  business  is  con- 
cerned. We  ought  to  get  everything  we  want  at  the  very  lowest 
price  that  competing  markets  can  offer,  without  being  restricted  by 
enormous  tariffs  that  are  gotten  up  in  the  interest  of  greedy  capital- 
ists and  soulless  millionaires,  etc." 

He  would  try  to  work  upon  people's  prejudices  and  sympathy, 
and  he  would  tell  some  stories  to  see  how  many  laughed  and  how 
many  didn't.  While  the  laughing  was  going  on  he  would  calculate 
by  the  number  that  laughed  and  that  didn't  what  course  to  take  in 
the  rest  of  his  speech.  He  used  his  funny  stories  just  the  same  as 
all  of  'em  do,  as  feelers.  He  would  shape  his  remarks  as  he  thought 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  129 

would  please  the  majority.  He  spread  himself  in  good  shape,  and 
in  his  flights  of  rhetoric  and  fancy,  he  imagined  that  he  had  con- 
verted every  one  to  his  ideas ;  and  a  seat  of  honor  in  the  great  fine 
capitol  at  Albany  loomed  up  before  him  as  the  pearl  of  great  price. 
He  made  a  regular  war  on  every  successful  manufacturer  or  rail- 
road man.  In  fact,  he  give  a  blow  to  every  one  that  was  financially 
successful.  He  took  the  ground  that  free  trade  was  the  stepping- 
stone  to  free  money,  and  in  his  opinion  free  money  was  a  big  thing 
for  the  people  to  have.  He  was  worked  up  to  such  an  appreciation 
of  himself  and  his  abilities,  that  he  dreamed  in  his  sleep  of  the  great 
Bigler  that  was  to  be.  His  joy,  however,  was  like  that  of  the  child 
who  sees  the  rainbow  tints  glistening  on  the  surface  of  a  soap  bub- 
ble in  the  sunlight.  The  fourth  of  November  burst  the  bubble,  and 
there  was  nothing  left. 

He  forgot  to  tell  the  people  that  the  best  citizens  were  those 
that  were  sober,  honest  and  industrious ;  that  they  were  the  ones 
who  spent  the  least  time  in  talking  politics,  and  made  the  least  noise 
on  election  days.  He  forgot  to  mention  in  his  speeches  that  the 
shiftless,  lazy  and  profligate  people  were  the  ones  that  made  the 
most  noise  about  elections,  and  complained  the  most  about  monopo- 
lies and  rich  men.  He  forgot  to  hint  in  his  speeches  that  nearly  all 
the  rich  men  of  our  country  were  born  poor,  and  worked  their  way 
up  in  the  world,  that  industry  and  frugality  were  the  principal  ele- 
ments in  their  success.  He  forgot  to  say  to  the  people  that  there 
was  no  country  on  the  globe  where  honest  labor  received  such  high 
recognition,  where  the  wage  earner  received  so  much  for  his  labor, 
and  where  the  way  was  open  to  a  fortune  for  him,  as  this  country. 
He  forgot  to  mention  a  word  about  Professor  Feeler's  lecture  or 
the  examination  he  received  at  his  hands.  He  forgot  to  give  his 
real  reasons  for  changing  his  politics. 

As  Tom  Conners  went  through  the  county  he  so  completely 
riddled  Bigler's  speeches,  that  there  wasn't  enough  left  to  them  to 
make  a  fly  net  to  cover  a  kitten.  He  showed  it  up  clear  enough  for 


130  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 

the  most  stupid  to  understand  that  the  first  law  of  nature  is  self-pro- 
tection, and  what  is  true  in  regard  to  the  individual  in  protecting 
himself  and  his  interests,  is  equally  true  in  regard  to  a  community, 
a  town,  county,  State  and  nation.  All  its  interests  should  be  care- 
fully protected,  and  if  the  products  of  another  country  could  be 
scattered  throughout  our  country  at  such  prices  as  to  paralyze  it 
not  completely  destroy  our  own  industries,  then  they  should  be  shut 
out  by  such  a  tariff  as  would  place  them  in  a  fair  competition  with 
our  products. 

He  didn't  forget  to  call  special  attention  to  all  those  items  that 
Bigler  omitted.  He  didn't  forget  to  show  that  the  Democrats  was?; 
alike  interested  with  the  Republicans  in  upholding  and  protecting 
the  prosperity  of  our  country,  and  all  its  industries,  and  in  protect- 
ing every  one  in  their  right  to  vote,  and  in  securing  an  honest  count. 
Nor  did  he  forget  to  refer  to  Professor  Feeler's  description  of  Big- 
ler. The  final  result  was  decided  last  Tuesday.  Tom  Conners  was 
elected  by  a  majority  of  4,387,  which  was  just  392  short  of  all  the 
votes  cast  in  the  county. 

Since  the  election  Bigler  has  been  real  sick ;  the  strain  upon  his 
nervous  system  was  more  than  he  could  stand.  The  exposition  of 
his  true  inwardness  hurt  him  as  much  as  his  defeat,  for  his  ambi- 
tion was  not  only  knocked  in  the  head,  but  his  hypocrisy  was  un- 
masked, and  dishonest  Bigler  could  no  longer  fool  the  people  of 
that  locality  with  his  numerous  shams.  He  now  declares  he  wont 
live  in  such  a  country;  he  is  going  to  move  to  Chicago. 

Clarissa  says  she  guesses  we  will  get  along  just  as  well  without 
him,  and  perhaps  better.  That  settles  it  in  my  opinion,  for  when 
Clarissa  once  makes  a  positive  declaration  of  a  principle  or  an  idea, 
it  is  just  as  satisfactory  as  if  I'd  read  it  in  the  Bible. 

Speaking  of  Clarissa  thusly,  makes  me  think  how  blessed  and 
happifying  it  is  to  have  such  confidence  in  your  wife,  that  when  she 
tells  you  anything,  you  know  it  is  positively  true;  and  how  much 
more  happifying  it  must  be  to  them  that  is  of  a  opposite  sex  from 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  13! 

what  I  belong  to,  by  the  nature  of  things,  to  have  the  same  sweet 
confidence  in  what  their  husbands  tell  them.  If  such  was  the  case 
generally,  marriage  bliss  would  go  up  in  the  market  five  hundred 
per  cent.,  and  the  divorce  business  would  be  knocked  higher  than 
Bartholdi's  torch  of  liberty  lighting  the  world.  I  wish  such  was 
the  case,  but  I'm  forced  to  believe  it  aint.  What  might  be  if  the 
sweet  angel  of  confidence  roosted  on  every  front  door,  isn't,  and  I 
don't  see  any  sign  of  a  breeze  that  is  likely  to  waft  that  condition  of 
things  to  the  human  family  in  the  very  near  future. 

When  I  get  to  talking  to  Clarissa  in  a  loving  sort  of  a  way,  and 
tell  her  what  perfect  confidence  I  have  in  her,  she  generally,  and  at 


BIGLER    STARTS   FOR   CHICAGO. 


sundry  times,  replies,  "Well,  Benjamin,  I  love  you,  'tis  true,  but  Ican't 
exactly  return  the  high  compliment  you  give  me."  Really,  I  don't 
suppose  she  can,  for  ever  since  she  found  me  acting  sweet-like  to  the 
Widder  Lewis,  about  two  years  after  we  was  married,  she  has  a 
vivid  recollection  of  it,  and  how  I  mixed  myself  up  in  trying  to 
explain. 

The  men  think  they  are  the  sharp  ones  of  the  Creator's  handi- 


1 32  SHAMS;  OR,  UNCLE  BEN'S 

work,  but  they  are  deceived ;  they  hairit  one-half  as  sharp  as  the 
women,  for  just  as  sure  as  they  get  caught  in  doing  something  mean 
and  wrong,  they  will  commence  lying  out  of  it,  and  they'll  mix  them- 
selves up  so  before  they  get  through  explaining,  they'll  have  to  con- 
fess they  lied.  But,  if  a  woman  gets  into  a  difficulty,  she  will  simply 
lie  out  of  it,  and  stick  to  it  until  the  climate  changes  temperature  in 
the  lower  regions,  before  she'll  confess. 

Clarissa  doesn't  agree  with  me  on  that  point,  but  the  reason  is 
plain  enough.  She  has  always  been  truthful  and  honest,  and  she 
thinks  women  in  general  are.  Well,  I  think  women,  in  general,  are. 
I  do  not  for  a  moment  think  the  general  run  of  women  are  liars,  but 
when  you  do  happen,  bv  accident  or  otherwise,  to  find  one  that  does 
prevaricate,  the  remarks  I  have  made  on  that  pretty  correctly 
apply. 

Domestic  felicity  depends  largely  upon  domestic  confidence. 
Chamfort  says :  "  It  is  with  happiness  as  with  watches — the  less  com- 
plicated, the  less  easily  deranged."  I  was  trying,  in  my  weak  way,  the 
other  evening,  to  philosophize  with  Clarissa  in  an  argument  on  this 
question  of  domestic  peace  and  happiness,  and  gave  her  my  ideas  upon 
this  confidence  business,  and  told  her  what  the  world  might  be,  if — 
and  if ;  and  she  said  :  "  Benjamin,  those  are  my  sentiments,  but  the  'tfs ' 
take  all  the  starch  out  of  sentiments.  Balzac  says :  '  We  are  finite 
beings.  There  can  be  no  infinite  happiness  for  us.  The  soul  that 
dreams  it  and  pursues  it,  will  embrace  but  a  shadow.'  I  am  willing 
to  accept  the  situation,  and  embrace  all  the  substance  I  can  of  every- 
day happiness,  and  not  spend  my  time  in  running  after  shadows." 
Thus,  my  philosophizing,  as  usual  when  I  get  into  an  argument  with 
her,  ended.  I  think  I  can  safely  say,  when  I  get  into  a  discussion 
with  Clarissa,  nineteen  times  out  of  twenty  I  can  appropriately 
write  the  word  "  Waterloo  "  at  the  end  of  my  part  of  the  discussion. 

When  I  married  Clarissa  I  thought  just  as  a  great  many  of  them 
think,  and  as  some  of  them  act — that  I  was  going  to  be  boss,  and 
have  things  about  as  I  wanted  them  ;  but  I  soon  found  that  Clarissa 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  133 

was  my  intellectual  superior,  and  I  concluded,  for  various  reasons, 
that  I  had  better  adopt  the  advice  of  La  Bruyere,  who  said:  "  It  is 
often  shorter  and  better  to  yield  to  others  than  to  endeavor  to  com- 
pel others  to  adjust  themselves  to  us."  I  have  lived  by  his  advice 
so  long,  that  now  it  is  a  pleasure  to  yield  to  her. 

I  find  I  have  been  running  off  onto  a  different  track  from  what 
J  intended  to,  when  I  got  through  telling  about  the  election  and 
Bigler's  defeat.  The  reason  for  it  is  plain.  Clarissa  made  a  re- 
mark, and  I  got  to  telling  about  her  remark,  and  switched  off.  That 
woman  switches  me  off  my  main  track  very  frequently,  if  not  oftener. 
I  may  have  an  idea  in  my  head  worth  a  whole  column  in  a  newspaper, 
but  just  as  sure  as  she  speaks  to  me  it's  gone,  and  I  go  off  in  admi- 
ration of  her,  and  feel  my  own  littleness  so  much  that  the  idea  is 
gone  forever,  and  when  I  get  back  onto  the  main  track  again,  I  have 
to  get  a  new  lot  of  ideas  before  I  can  go  ahead.  I  confess,  it  is  a 
serious  drawback,  for  ideas  with  me  haint  a  quarter  as  abundant  as 
they  are  with  Clarissa  and  other  smart  men.  Therefore  I  shall  rely 
upon  the  patience  and  forgiving  spirit  of  the  readers  to  excuse  the 
many  sudden  and  unexpected  breaks. 

I  was  going  to  say  that  the  political  campaign  this  fall  brought 
out  some  ideas  more  prominently  than  others ;  ideas  that  we  all 
ought  to  think  over. 

First — If  there  is  anything  worth  laboring  for,  it  is  worthy  of 
protection. 

Second—  The  source  of  supply  to  the  laborer — viz.:  capital — is 
as  truly  worthy  of  protection  as  the  fountain  that  supplies  us  with 
water.  The  laborer  cannot  be  protected  when  the  source  of  his 
earnings  is  open  to  all  kinds  of  attack  and  to  destruction. 

Third—  The  most  important  thing  to  all  of  us  is  a  pure  and  honest 
government,  where  justice  shall  be  accorded  to  all,  regardless  of  any 
condition,  and  this  can  only  be  secured  by  the  protection  of  every 
citizen  in  the  country  in  his  lawful  right  to  vote  as  pleases  him. 

Bigler  didn't  adopt  any  progressive  ideas,  but  resorted  to  all 


1^4  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

the  little  catches  and  points  that  in  his  opinion  would  make  votes 
for  himself.  He  failed  to  exhibit  that  high  moral  character  or 
broad,  comprehensive  view  of  the  country's  needs  that  public  opinion 
demanded  of  a  man  to  represent  them  in  the  law-making  body  of 
the  State.  He  played  the  part  of  a  fox,  and  was  treated  according 
to  his  deserts. 

Clarissa  says  that,  while  she  doesn't  pretend  to  be  a  politician, 
she  reads  a  powerful  sight,  and  thinks  a  little,  and  that,  as  near  as 
she  can  remember,  it  has  been  the  custom  in  this  country  for  the 
opinion  of  the  masses  to  be  pretty  near  correct ;  that  some  years  the 


LETTER    OF    CONDOLENCE. 


people  kind  o'  go  to  sleep  and  forget  that  "  eternal  vigilance  is  the 
price  of  liberty,"  and  in  those  spells  of  slumber  the  cunning  politi- 
cal foxes  and  wolves  go  prowling  around,  and  steal  a  victory  at  the 
polls ;  but  it  only  serves  to  wake  up  the  sleepers,  and  the  next  year 
public  opinion  is  wide  awake  and  hard  at  work,  and  it  opens  ur> 
graves  and  buries  these  animals  out  of  sight  and  smell.  Then  the 
country  moves  along,  prosperous,  peaceful,  and  happy  for  a  time. 
She  says  they  woke  up  this  year,  and  we  won't  hear  anything  more 
of  Mr.  Bigler  in  the  political  field  for  a  good  many  years,  if  ever, 
I  think  just  as  she  does  on  that  point,  of  course. 

Last  night  the  ladies'  sewing  society  had  a  meeting  at  Widow 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  135 

Abby  Standish's  house,  and  they  talked  about  the  election  more  than 
anything  else.  And  they  concluded  that,  as  Mr.  Bigler  was  going 
to  leave  the  neighborhood  for  good,  they  ought  to  do  something 
kind  of  pretty  for  him.  So  they  decided  to  have  Mrs.  Dave  Kirk 
write  him  a  letter  of  condolence,  and  a  verse  or  two.  Jane  was  never 
noted  for  being  much  of  a  writer.  She  said  she  couldn't  write  a 
letter  fit  for  a  cow  to  read,  but  as  he  was  her  cousin  by  marriage 
on  Kirk's  side  of  the  house,  she  would  do  the  best  she  could  ;  so 
she  wrote  the  following: 

"CuzziN  B.  B.  BIGLER: — 

"It  is  with  mingled  feelins  uv  sorrow  and  regret  that  I  pen  theze  few  short;  breef 
sentences  uv  kondolence  and  konsolashun  to  you.  I  no  it  must  be  gallin  to  your  dear 
good  wife  Mariah,  to  have  your  pollytickle  kareer  come  to  such  a  sudden  and  unplezant 
kloze.  I  no  she  iz  naturally  proud,  and  haz  ben  in  the  habit  uv  goin  in  respectable  kum- 
pany,  and  I  uzed  tu  like  to  go  to  hur  house  a  vizitin.  I  hope  she  will  bare  up  under 
your  disappointment,  and  not  brake  down  in  bodily  helth.  I  regret  you  did  not  stick  to 
your  furst  party  and  ben  willin  tu  axcept  some  miner  posishun  on  the  ticket  az  you  mite 
have  pulled  thru  if  you  had. 

"  However,  I  spoze  the  Allmity  noze  better  what  we  are  all  made  uv  better  than  we 
do  ourselves,  and  probably  it  iz  best  you  dun  as  you  did,  for  we  cant  help  believin  that 
what  iz  your  loss  iz  our  gain. 

"  Du  not  be  discouraged  and  give  up,  but  go  out  West  and  go  into  the  kattle  biz- 
ness.  David  sez  thare  iz  lots  uv  muuny  in  it,  and  if  you  cant  make  your  mark  in  the 
world  az  a  pollytickan,  you  can  git  to  be  a  kattle  king,  and  if  thare  iznt  quite  as  much 
honor  in  being  king  uv  the  long  and  short  horned  brutes  az  a  ruler  amung  the  human 
kind,  thare  iz  lots  more  munny  in  it,  and  a  shinin  silver  dollar  will  kuver  a  good  sized 
soar.  With  these  tuchin  and  feelin  remarks,  and  this  little  poem  on  behalf  uv  the  Mor- 
ganville  soin  society  (in  whoze  interest  I  address  theze  lines)  I  bid  you  a  disconsolate 
farewell.  Your  cuzzin,  HELEN  KIRK." 

"  Bizzy  Bascum  Bigler, 

'Tho  a  wiley  wigler, 

With  his  pollytickle  rake 

Failed  in  taking  the  cake  ; 

Partly  becauze  the  young  peeler 

Was  shown  up  by  Mister  Feeler, 

But  more  becauze  we  saw 

He  didn't  respect  the  law. 

The  greatest  mistake  he  made 

Wuz  advocatin  Free  Trade, 

And  in  not  showin  the  truth 

By  good  and  suffishent  proof. 

The  high  and  noble  honors 

Wuz  given  tu  Tom  Conners, 

Who  saw  the  way  tu  eleckshun 

Wuz  in  the  cote  uv  Proteckshun." 


I36  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 


CHAPTER  XII. 

>ITH  a  favorable  breeze  and  an  even  sea,  most  any  vessel 
with  a  reasonably  tight  bottom  may  venture  on  a  short  jour- 
ney, but  if  a  long  voyage  is  to  be  made.  I  would  advise  the 
captain  to  see  that  his  vessel  not  only  has  a  tight  bottom,  but  that  it 
is  thoroughly  sound  ;  that  every  beam  and  brace  is  sound,  and  prop- 
erly secured ;  that  in  every  way  his  craft  is  seaworthy. 

Too  many  shipwrecks  are  caused  by  unsound  vessels,  com- 
manded by  incompetent  masters.  When  a  storm  is  encountered  by 
such  a  vessel,  the  master  is  baffled,  and  loses  control  of  it,  and  the 
rotten  timbers  give  way,  and  total  destruction  follows. 

They  have  had  a  big  shipwreck,  so  to  speak,  in  this  community. 
George  Waddles  started  on  the  voyage  of  speculation  ;  he  embarked 
in  a  vessel  of  his  own  construction ;  all  the  main  beams  and  stays 
were  composed  of  his  professions  of  Christianity,  and  the  thin  cov- 
ering of  its  hulk  was  his  membership  in  the  Methodist  Church. 
When  he  first  started  out,  everything  went  smooth  and  fine.  He 
bought  all  the  hogs  and  cattle  in  the  country  he  could  get  hold  of. 
He  went  to  prayer-meetings  and  church  service  as  regular  as  the 
pilot  on  shipboard  consults  his  compass  and  chart. 

When  Jim  Teeters  moved  to  the  village  he  went  into  partner- 
ship with  Waddles  in  the  stock-buying  and  shipping  business,  al- 
though, by  a  mutual  agreement,  it  wasn't  known  that  they  was  inter- 
ested together  in  business,  for  by  its  not  being  known,  they  could 
work  their  schemes  to  better  advantage. 

Waddles  had  a  set  of  large  hay-scales  down  to  the  village,  on 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  137 

which  he  weighed  all  the  stock  he  bought.  For  a  long  time  the 
farmers  had  sold  their  stock  to  Waddles,  and  drove  it  to  the  village, 
and  had  'em  weighed  on  Waddles'  scales,  and  took  his  weight  as 
correct.  Waddles  was  always  very  polite  to  them,  and  would  gen- 
erally ask  all  about  their  health  and  their  families,  and  was  as  hon- 
est in  appearance  to  'em  as  a  man  could  be. 

One  day  last  week  he  bought  sixty  head  of  steers  and  1 10  hogs 
of  Clark  Benjamin,  a  farmer  in  the  town  of  Henderson.  Benjamin 
is  a  very  careful  and  prudent  farmer,  and  an  honest  man,  and  has  got 
to  be  a  rich  man. 

Last  fall  he  put  into  his  barn-yard  a  set  of  Fairbanks'  hay-scales, 
and  when  he  sells,  any  stock  or  grain  or  hay,  he  weighs  it  on  his 
scales  before  he  delivers  it. 

He  weighed  his  steers  and  hogs  before  he  drove  them  down  to 
the  village,  but  didn't  tell  Waddles  anything  about  it,  and  when  he 
got  to  the  village  with  his  stock,  Waddles  weighed  them  all  and 
footed  up  the  amount,  and  it  was  2,000  pounds  less  on  the  steers 
than  they  weighed  on  Benjamin's  scales,  and  1,000  pounds  less  on 
the  hogs. 

Mr.  Benjamin  then  informed  Waddles  that  he  couldn't  have  the 
stock  at  that  weight. 

"  Why,  what's  the  matter?  "  says  Waddles,  in  great  surprise; 
•"  don't  you  think  that  is  correct?  You  saw  the  scales  balance  every 
time,  didn't  you  ?" 

"  Yes,"  said  Benjamin,  "  I  saw  the  scales  balance  every  time, 
and  noticed  you  took  down  the  exact  figures  also  ;  but  I  don't  think 
it  is  correct — and  in  fact,  I  know  it  is  not  correct." 

Waddles  looked  red  in  the  face,  and  acted  terribly  hurt  at  Ben- 
jamin's remark,  and  told  Benjamin  to  weigh  them  over  himself,  if 
he  doubted  it. 

"Very  well,"  said  Benjamin,  "I  will;  but  first  I'll  just  look 
them  scales  over  a  little." 

He  done  so,  and  after  a  careful  examination,  he  found  that  Wad- 


138  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN*S 

dies  had  fixed  the  scales  so  they  would  make  just  100  pounds  less 
than  the  actual  weight  at  every  draft. 

There  was  a  number  of  farmers  and  business  men  standing 
round  the  scales  during  this  time,  and  when  Mr.  Benjamin  showed 
up  Mr.  Waddles'  trick  to  'em,  and  convinced  them  all  of  the  fact,  by 
a  comparison  with  the  weights  on  his  own  scales,  and  also  by  the  way 
the  scales  was  fixed,  Waddles  fainted  away,  but  by  dousing  him 
with  cold  water  he  came  to  pretty  soon.  He  looked  awful,  but  he 
couldn't  say  nothing.  Mr.  Benjamin  demanded  full  pay  for  his 
stock,  according  to  the  weight  on  his  own  scales. 

Waddles  was  so  dazed  he  didn't  say  anything  for  some  time. 
When  he  had  recovered  from  the  shock,  he  told  Mr.  Benjamin  to  go 
to  the  bank  with  him  and  he  would  give  him  the  money,  and  take 
the  stock  at  his  weight. 

The  news  of  his  fraud  went  all  over  the  village  like  lightning. 
In  a  hour  and  a  half  three  farmers  that  had  delivered  stock  to  him 
that  same  day  had  him  arrested  for  swindling,  and  he  was  tried  before 
'Squire  Dale.  The  proof  was  so  positive  that  Waddles  couldn't 
overcome  it,  but  said  he  never  done  it;  that  Jim  Teeters  used  the 
scales  to  weigh  large  amounts  of  butter  and  cheese,  that  he  bought 
to  ship  to  New  York,  and  also  hogs. 

'Squire  Dale  bound  him  over  to  court.  The  whole  thing  came 
out  on  him  so  sudden  that  the  people  all  over  the  village  appeared 
thunderstruck,  and  when  the  'squire  turned  him  over  to  the  sheriff, 
he  tried  to  get  bail,  but  he  couldn't  ge^/any  one  in  town  to  go  on  his 
bail  for  $1,000,  and  so  he  had  to  sleep  in  jail  that  night.  The  next 
day  the  bankers,  after  getting  security  on  $2,000  worth  of  cattle, 
went  on  his  bail  for  $1,000,  and  Mr.  Waddles  was  let  out. 

This  was  only  the  beginning  of  a  general  tear-up.  The  next 
day  Teeters  was  arrested  for  swindling.  He  was  tried  before 
'Squire  Dale  also.  There  was  plenty  of  proof  to  convict  him,  and 
the  'squire  bound  him  over  to  court  in  $i, coo  bonds.  When  the 
sheriff  took  charge  of  him  he  got  the  sheriff  to  bring  him  out  to 


WADDLES    FAINTED;    THEY    DOUSED    HIM    WITH    COLD    WATER. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  14! 

see  me,  and  tried  to  get  me  to  go  on  his  bond.  I  said  to  him,  "  Mr. 
Teeters,  I  would  willingly  go  on  the  bond  of  an  honest  man  to  help 
him  out  of  a  difficulty,  but  I  have  too  clear  a  recollection  of  your 
dealings  with  me  last  summer,  in  the  hog  business,  to  sign  my  name 
to  your  bond,  and  you  must  excuse  me  if  I  say,  once  for  all,  No" 

He  looked  as  if  he  would  sink,  but  I  didn't  have  a  mite  of  pity 
for  him.  The  sheriff  took  him  back  to  the  village,  and  poor  Teeters 
had  to  sleep  in  the  jail  that  night.  Somehow  or  other  the  Meth- 
odist folks  didn't  help  either  Waddles  or  Teeters  out  of  their  diffi, 
culty.  Teeters  had  to  give  the  bank  a  chattel  mortgage  on  his  store 


REFUSING  TO   GO   ON   TEETERS     BAIL. 


before  they  would  bail  him  out ;  this  was  done  the  next  day  after  he 
was  arrested.  Now  there  was  a  pair  of  our  prominent  men  booked 
for  trial  at  the  next  term  of  court,  and  everybody  was  talking  about  it, 
and  most  folks  was  surprised,  especially  in  regard  to  Waddles,  as  he 
had  lived  there  for  a  long  time,  and  had  been  a  leader  in  the  Meth- 
odist Church,  but  I  wasn't  surprised  at  all  about  either  one  of  'em  ; 
I  knew  by  experience  that  Teeters  was  a  rascal,  and  I  have  been 
well  satisfied  for  a  good  many  years  that  Waddles  was  masquerading 
as  one  thing  while  in  his  heart  he  was  another.  I  don't  pretend  to 


142  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

be  very  sharp,  but  I  know  a  humbug  when  I  see  it,  if  I  can't  tell 
others  how  to  detect  it. 

Things  run  along  about  ten  days  in  the  usual  way,  when  on  a 
Sunday  morning,  after  Rev.  Danberry  had  finished  his  sermon,  and 
just  before  he  pronounced  the  benediction,  he  requested  all  the 
members  of  the  church  to  meet  in  the  basement  immediately  after 
the  close  of  the  morning  service. 

They  met  in  the  basement,  and  the  minister  told  them  the  object 
of  the  meeting  was  to  consider  the  matter  of  retaining  brother  Geo. 
Waddles  and  brother  Teeters  in  the  church,  after  the  damaging  evi- 
dence that  had  been  brought  out  against  their  characters.  He  wished 
to  have  an  expression  of  the  members  in  regard  to  it.  There  was 
a  good  many  remarks  made  by  different  members.  Some  advanced 
the  idea  that  they  should  be  labored  with,  while  others  insisted  that 
if  they  had  deliberately  gone  to  work  to  steal  the  livery  of  heaven 
to  serve  the  devil  in.  if  they  had  used  the  church  for  no  other  pur- 
pose than  to  assist  them  in  swindling  the  people,  it  would  be  an 
insult  to  the  church  to  even  offer  to  labor  with  them.  They  took  a 
vote  on  it,  and  by  a  very  large  majority  they  decided  that  the  names 
of  these  two  swindlers  should  be  dropped  from  the  church  roll. 
When  this  was  made  known  to  Waddles  and  Teeters,  they  resolved 
to  have  revenge  on  some  of  these  brethren  that  was  so  active  in 
getting  their  names  dropped  from  the  church  roll,  so  they  circulated 
several  stories  damaging  to  their  characters.  Stories  once  started 
never  grow  less,  but  rapidly  increase,  both  in  numbers  and  mag- 
nitude. The  surest  way  to  make  a  lie  the  most  effectual  is  to  mix 
enough  of  truth  with  it  to  give  it  the  semblance  of  truth,  and  then 
it  goes  well,  and  hits  its  intended  victim  every  time.  These  gen- 
tlemen understood  that  scheme  perfectly,  and  started  their  stories 
with  a  determination— that  as  they  fell,  others  would  have  to  go 
with  'em.  The  result  has  been  terrible.  The  church  has  been 
nearly  broken  up.  Nearly  one-third  of  its  members  have  been 
dropped  from  the  roll,  or  labored  with.  Scandal  seems  to  have 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  143 

been  the  order  of  the  day,  and  each  succeeding  day  developed  new 
sensations.  It  was  hinted  around  that  Rev.  Danberry  was  not  above 
suspicion,  that  he  had  called  upon  certain  sisters  very  frequently, 
and  especially  the  Widow  Crookshank,  who  runs  a  milliner  store 
in  the  village.  Things  had  come  to  such  a  pass  that  one  was  really 
afraid  to  meet  his  neighbor  for  fear  he  would  hear,  some  horrible 
news. 

Clarissa  said  she  was  perfectly  sick,  hearing  of  so  much  wick- 
edness, but  she  says,  "It's  not  surprising  that  we  hear  so  much 
all  of  a  sudden,  for  when  all  kinds  of  meanness  and  wickedness  hides 
itself  behind  a  mask  of  piety  and  religion,  it's  like  a  stream  that  has 
been  dammed  up  by  flood  wood  and  rubbish.  After  a  while  one  or 
two  of  the  larger  pieces  give  way,  and  then  the  whole  mass  of  rub- 
bish goes  out  with  a  rush,  filling  the  stream  below  with  its  mire 
and  filth,  but  the  fou.itain  above  is  still  pure,  and  as  its  purifying 
waters  course  along  it  cleanses  away  the  filth,  and  in  time  purifies 
the  whole  stream.  The  church  is  no  more  to  blame  because  bad 
men  and  women  drop  into  its  folds,  than  the  fountain  is  for  the  drift- 
wood falling  into  the  stream.  The  Methodist  Church  is  designed 
as  an  institution  for  the  dissemination  of  high  and  holy  principles; 
is  an  institution  of  honesty  and  purity,  but  some  bad  persons  had 
got  into  it  and  drifted  along.  Corruption  and  wickedness  hid  itself 
behind  great  and  loud  professions. 

"  When  Waddles  and  Teeters  gave  way,  all  the  hypocrisy  and 
wickedness  that  accumulated,  rushed  out  upon  the  world.  But  it 
will  all  be  over  soon,  and  the  church  will  be  all  the  better  by  being 
rid  of  the  shams  and  hypocrites  that  have  found  their  way  into  it. 

"  The  church  never  hurt  a  person  in  the  world,  and  I  want  infi- 
dels to  understand  that.  No  person  was  ever  made  worse  by  any 
church,  but  vile  hypocrites  that  mask  as  church  members  do  an  im- 
mense amount  of  harm,  not  only  to  individuals  outside  of  the  church, 
but  to  those  who  become  its  members  from  the  highest  and  purest 
motives.  Now  a  great  deal  of  this  slander  we  hear  has  been  started 


144  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 

by  Waddles  and  Teeters  in  order  to  turn  public  talk  away  from 
themselves,  and  see  if  that  can't  better  their  case  a  little  when  it 
comes  up  for  trial,  and  has  no  real  truth  in  it.  Time  will  set  it  all 
right,  and  justice  will  light  in  the  right  place,  though  it  may  seem 
to  be  a  long  time  lighting."  I  believe  Clarissa  is  correct  in  her  opin- 
ion about  this  matter,  and  I  will  leave  Waddles,  Teeters  and  the 
Methodist  Church  in  the  hands  of  Father  Time,  while  I  straighten 
up  matters  around  home  and  get  ready  to  take  Clarissa  on  a  tour 
abroad. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

RS.  Jonas  Buzzbee — Clarissa's  second  cousin  on  her  great 
uncle's  side,  that  lives  in  Syracuse,  and  whose  husband 
is  in  the  hardware  business  there,  sent  us  a  paper  week  be- 
fore last,  and  marked  an  advertisement  in  it  with  red  ink.  Here  is 
the  advertisement  she  marked  : 

"GRAND    EXCURSION." 

"  A  GOLDEN  OPPORTUNITY  that  may  never  occur  again.  Ev- 
erybody should  take  advantage  of  it.  A  train  composed  of  forty- 
eight  magnificent  sleeping  cars,  five  dining  cars,  forty  baggage  cars, 


EXCURSION    TRAIN. 


two  refrigerator  cars  and  one  car  for  servants  and  dogs,  will  leave 
the  Grand  Central  Depot  in  New  York  City  November  15,  for 
San  Francisco,  Cal.,  via  N.  Y.  C.,  L.  S.  &  M.  S.,  C.  &  N.  W.,  U. 
P.  and  C.  P.  Railroads. 

"  Tickets  good  for  four  months,  including  berths  and  meals,  and 


146  SHAMS;  OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

privilege  of  carrying  2,000  pounds  of  baggage,  and  return  via  any 
route  passengers  desire,  either  via  rail  or  steamship  or  both, 
only  $45.00. 

"  Every  ticket-holder  is  entitled  to  free  transportation  for  one 
servant  and  two  dogs.  Stop-over  checks  will  be  given  to  passen- 
gers, at  any  point  desired,  west  of  Chicago.  The  many  points  of 
interest  can  be  visited  along  the  route  with  very  little  expense. 
Among  these  may  be  mentioned,  Omaha,  Denver,  Colorado  Springs, 
the  Garden  of  the  Gods,  Pike's  Peak,  Monument  Park,  the  cele- 
brated bathhouses  of  Idaho  Springs,  Cheyenne,  Black  Hills,  Og- 
den,  Salt  Lake  City  and  its  wonderful  institutions,  Helena,  Boise 
City,  Sacramento,  the  Yosemite  Valley,  the  Geysers,  Portland, 
Seattle  and  Sitka,  Los  Angeles,  San  Diego,  the  principal  cities  of 
Mexico  and  Central  America,  New  Orleans,  Mobile,  the  orange 
groves  of  Florida,  and  a  few  cities  on  the  Atlantic  coast  on  their 
way  home. 

"  No  one  should  miss  this  wonderful  opportunity.  Tickets  from 
Albany,  $44.00 ;  from  Utica,  $43.00  ;  Syracuse,  $42.00 ;  Rochester, 
$41.00;  Buffalo,  $40.00 ;  Cleveland,  $36.00;  Toledo,  $35.00;  Chicago, 
$30.00.  For  further  information  and  particulars,  address  Messrs. 
Holdem,  Ketchem  &  Skinem,  No.  211  Chatham  Street,  New  York, 
or  Jerusalem,  Scalper  &  Co.,  148  Clark  Street,  Chicago,  inclosing  a 
two  cent  stamp  to  insure  a  reply." 

Clarissa  and  I  have  been  saving  what  money  we  could  for 
some  years,  intending  to  take  a  trip  some  time  and  travel,  and  we 
had  got  considerable  on  hand.  I  had  made  up  my  mind  to  see 
something  of  the  world  beside  Morganville  and  the  village  before 
I  died,  and  Clarissa  was  anxious  to  visit  many  places,  and  meet  many 
distinguished  people  she  has  read  about,  and  when  we  read  this  ad- 
vertisement, it  seemed  like  a  big  bonanza  to  us,  and  we  wondered  if 
there  wasn't  a  kind  of  a  Providence  in  having  this  excursion  come 
at  a  time  we  was  calculating  to  travel. 

Clarissa  wrote  to  her  cousin  Buzzbee,  thanking   her  for  the  pa- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  147 

per,  and  especially  for  the  advertisement,  and  told  her  we  would 
make  her  a  visit  a  couple  of  days  before  the  train  left  S.  I  arranged 
things  around  home  so  as  to  leave  Abe  and  Mary  and  the  hired  man 
comfortable  and  all  right,  and  went  to  the  village  and  got  me  a  new 
suit  of  store  clothes,  and  rigged  Clarissa  out,  or  rather,  she  done  it, 
and  on  the  I3th  of  November  we  took  the  railroad  for  Syracuse,  or 
rather  the  railroad  took  us  to  that  place.  We  got  there  at  5:45  P. 
M.,  and  Mrs.  Buzzbee  and  her  husband  met  us  at  the  depot  with  a 
sleigh. 

I  never  heard  such  a  noise  in  my  life  as  there   was  as  we  was 
going  out  of  the  depot  yard.     A  dozen  or   more  of  the  sassiest 


ARRIVAL   AT   DEPOT   IN    SYRACUSE. 


loafers  I  ever  saw,  was  standing  in  a  row,  trying  to  get  us  to  go  to 
some  hotel.  One  of  the  sassy  scamps  grabbed  hold  of  my  valise. 
I  hauled  off  and  was  going  to  plant  a  bean  over  his  eyes,  when 
Mr.  Buzzbee  said,  "  Come  on,  Uncle  Benjamin,  and  don't  pay  any 
attention  to  them  hotel  hoodlums."  That  dumb  scamp  dropped 


I48  SHAMS;  OR,  UNCLE  BEN'S 

it  mighty  sudden,  and  looked  cheap  enough.  We  got  into  the  sleigh 
and  had  a  fine  drive  up  to  a  great,  fine  brick  house  where  they  lived. 
They  seemed  glad  to  see  us,  and  although  I  never  met  Mr.  B.  before, 
he  acted  as  if  he  always  knew  me.  They  have  an  elegant  home, 
and  everything  wonderful  fine  in  the  house. 

The  next  day  he  took  us  all  over  the  city  in  his  sleigh.  I  went 
down  to  his  store  with  him,  and  I  was  surprised.  He  had  more 
goods  in  his  store  than  the  whole  caboodle  down  to  the  village  have, 
all  put  together.  He  is  a  wholesaler,  and  does  a  big  business.  After 
we  had  gone  over  the  city,  and  seen  a  good  many  things,  we  took 
the  women  home  and  had  supper,  and  then  Mr.  B.  drove  down 
town  again,  and  took  me  into  what  he  called  a  private  club-room, 
and  introduced  me  to  a  number  of  gentlemen,  all  of  whom  he  told 
me  (afterward)  was  prominent  citizens  of  Syracuse.  Some  of  'em 
was  merchants  ;  some  was  doctors  and  lawyers,  and  some  was  prom- 
inent politicians.  One  of  'em  was  the  mayor  of  the  city ;  he  was 
very  polite,  and  in  a  few  minutes  after  I  was  introduced  to  him  he 
asked  us  all  up  to  the  bar  to  have  a  drink.  All  but  me  took  some- 
thing. Some  said,  "  I'll  take  a  sour,"  while  others  called  for  a 
"  straight,"  a  "  mash,"  a  "  cocktail,"  a  "  mint-julep,"  etc.  Mr.  Buzzbee 
said  he  wanted  a  "  Thomas-and-Jeremiah.''  All  these  things  was 
strange  to  me,  and  I  couldn't  understand  what  they  meant  The 
mayor  says  to  me,  "  Come,  Uncle  Ben,  what  will  you  have  ?"  I  said, 
'"  Nothing,  if  you  please."  They  all  looked  at  me,  surprised,  and 
says,  "  What !  don't  you  drink?"  Says  I,  "  Gentlemen,  I  drink  good, 
fresh  water,  when  I'm  to  home,  and  sometimes  milk,  but  that's  all." 
The  mayor  said,  "  Well,  you  know  you  aint  to  home  now,  and  when 
you  are  in  Rome,  you  must  do  as  Romans  do.  We  don't  drink 
at  home,  do  we,  gentlemen?"  and  all  responded,  "  No,  of  course 
not,"  and  "  Here  is  some  kernels  of  roasted  coffee  you  can  eat,  and 
when  you  go  home  your  wife  can't  detect  you  by  your  breath.*'  I 
replied,  "  Gentlemen,  you  will  please  excuse  me  ;  I  don't  believe  in 
shams.  I  don't  believe  in  pretending  to  the  world  to  be  sober  and 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  149 

temperate,  and  then  get  into  some  back  room,  as  you  are  here,  and 
give  a  lie  to  all  my  pretensions  ;  and,  more  than  that,  I  don't  believe  in 
shamming  to  my  wife  who,  of  all  others,  should  know  the  truth  in 
regard  to  my  conduct.  I  can't  see  the  difference  between  this  place, 
fitted  up  in  such  a  grand  style,  with  marble  counters  and  great  big 
looking-glasses,  and  fine  pictures  and  pretty  carpets,  and  patronized 
by  the  prominent  citizens,  including  the  mayor,  and  a  common  coun- 
try tavern  bar-room,  with  its  dirty,  low  walls,  muddy  floor,  and  few 
broken  wooden  chairs  and  benches,  filled  with  blear-eyed,  besotted, 
ragged  wretches ;  its  air  laden  with  the  sickening  smell  of  cheap 
rum  and  whisky,  and  its  principal  sound  the  discordant  combination 
of  oaths  and  curses  and  foul  vulgarity,  except  pride,  pride  in  appear- 
ance, pride  in  association,  pride  in  not  being  seen  by  the  outside 
world,  pride  in  everything  except  principle,  and  the  material  you 
obtain  here  is  the  surest  destroyer  of  pride  and  principle  that  I  know 
of.  Give  it  time,  and  it  is  sure  to  kill  both.  I  beg  your  pardon, 
gentlemen,  if  1  have  said  anything  to  hurt  your  feelings ;  I  don't 
mean  to  do  that,  but  I  am  a  plain  farmer,  never  was  away  from 
home  before,  never  saw  a  city  until  now,  and  never  met  prominent 
citizens,  especially  in  such  a  place  as  this ;  but  Benjamin  Morgan  is 
opposed  to  shams,  and  opposed  to  men  losin'  their  heads  to  satisfy 
their  greedy  stomachs.  If  it  is  all  right  to  drink  this  stuff,  and  sell 
it,  then  have  places  along  the  sidewalks,  or  like  other  places  for  re- 
freshments, where  it  can  be  sold,  and  where  a  man  can  stop  with  his 
wife  and  daughters,  and  sons,  to  drink,  and  not  have  burnt  coffee  to 
eat  after  drinking;  and  let  the  mayor,  and  prominent  merchants, 
doctors,  lawyers  and  politicians  see  that  licenses  are  issued  to  every 
one  that  wants  to  sell  it.  I  am  opposed  to  playing  the  double  game 
of  good  Lord  and  good  Devil.  Hypocrisy  don't  pay.  When  you 
have  to  settle  accounts  at  the  closing  up  of  business,  you'll  have  to 
tell  so  many  lies  in  explaining  things  that  the  lies  will  down  you." 

Then  I  turned  to  Mr.  Buzzbee  and  said,  "  Let's  go  home;  it's 
pretty  late,  and  Clarissa  will  be  worrying  about  me."     I  saw  Mr.  B. 


150  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE    BEN'S 

was  terribly  red  in  the  face,  and  so'\vas  the  mayor;  and  I  could 
hear  some  of  the  others  laughing  and  say  something  about  "country 
crank"  I  didn't  know  what  they  meant,  unless  it  was  a  machine 
for  winding  up  the  country  with. 

Mr.  Buzzbee  and  I  went  home.  On  our  way  home  Mr.  B.  said 
he  was  sorry  I  spoke  so  plain — not  so  much  on  his  own  account 
as  on  account  of  all  those  gentlemen,  for  they  were  all  his  friends.  I 
told  him  I  was  sorry  on  that  account  that  I  had  said  anything,  but  I 
told  him  he  could  explain  to  'em  the  next  time  he  met  'em,  that  I 
was  an  ignorant  old  fool,  from  up  in  the  country,  and  didn't  know 
any  better  than  to  beller  out  what  I  honestly  thought.  He  said  that 
would  be  entirely  unnecessary,  as  they  all  understood  that  now. 

I  haint  used  to  very  refined  society,  I  know  ;  but  I  know  enough 
to  feel  a  stab  like  that  Mr.  Buzzbee  gave  me,  and  appreciated  it  just 
as  perfectly  as  if  a  mule  had  kicked  me  for  fooling  with  his  heels. 

After  we  went  to  bed,  1  told  Clarissa  all  about  our  trip  down 
town  and  back,  and  what  was  said,  and  how  Buzzbee  gave  me  a 
stab.  She  said,  "  Well,  Benjamin,  we  haint  to  home,  and  you  had 
better  keep  your  mouth  closed  and  your  eyes  open,  and  you  will 
learn  just  as  much,  if  you  don't  do  so  much  good,"  and  then  she 
said  there  was  going  to  be  a  big  temperance  meeting  at  the  M.  E. 
Church,  to-morrow  night,  and  Mrs.  Buzzbee  wanted  us  to  go,  and 
as  our  train  did  not  leave  until  midnight,  we  would  have  plenty  of 
time  to  go,  and  visit  afterward.  I  told  her  I  would  like  to  go 
first-rate. 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

HE  next  day  Mr.  B.  and  I  went  down  to  the  railroad  depot  to 
get  our  tickets.  We  told  the  ticket  agent  we  wanted  two  ex- 
cursion tickets  for  San  Francisco  and  return.  The  agent  pro- 
ceeded to  fill  out  the  tickets,  and  asked  how  many  servants  and  dogs 
we  had.  I  told  him  I  had  a  hired  hand  I  had  left  to  home  to  help  Abe 
take  care  of  the  farm,  and  I  had  never  raised  any  dogs,  as  Clarissa 
wouldn't  have  the  dirty  things  around  the  house.  He  laughed  and 


BUYING   TICKET   IN    SYRACUSE. 


said  he  merely  wanted  to  know  how  many  we  wanted  to  take  with 
us,  so  he  could  include  them  in  the  ticket.  When  he  got  the  tickets 
ready  I  counted  out  $84  for  the  two  tickets,  and  he  said  it  would  be 
$200  more.  I  was  thunderstruck,  and  pulled  out  of  my  pocket  the  ad- 
vertisement Clarissa  cut  out  of  the  paper,  and  asked  him  what  they 


152  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

meant  by  that?  "  Oh!  "  said  he,  "that's  all  right ;  you  have  to  pay 
us  $142  for  the  ticket,  and  when  you  get  to  San  Francisco  you  take 
what  you  have  left  of  your  ticket  into  the  company's  office  there 
and  they  will  give  you  a  rebate  of  $100  on  each  ticket;  that  is,  they 
will  pay  you  back  $100.  Don't  you  see,  Sir,  that  the  company  is 
protecting  its  passengers  in  doing  thus?  for  they  might  have  their 
money  stolen  from  them  before  they  arrived  in  California,  and  in 
doing  this  each  passenger  is  sure  to  have  at  least  $100  when  they 
get  there,  and  their  return  tickets."  I  had  never  thought  of  that, 
and  at  once  I  concluded  that  the  managers  of  this  excursion  was 
Christians,  and  was  looking  out  for  the  safety  and  welfare  of  their 
passengers ;  so  I  very  readily  paid  him  the  other  $200  and  took  my 
tickets  and  also  a  card  of  the  company's  agents  in  San  Francisco, 
which  read,  •'  Dodgem,  Skipem  &  Oppenheimer,  brokers  and 
dealers  in  Second  hand  Tickets,  1496  Oakland  Street,  San  Francisco, 
Cal." 

After  going  down  to  Mr.  Buzzbee's  store  and  gaping  around 
town  about  an  hour,  we  went  home  to  Buzzbee's,  and  I  explained  to 
Clarissa  all  about  the  ticket  business.  She  didn't  exactly  see  the 
Christian  part  in  the  ticket  performance,  unless  it  was  to  create  faith 
in  the  honesty  of  a  lot  of  men  the  public  didn't  know,  and  as  faith 
was  one  of  the  principal  elements  of  professional  Christianity  it 
might  possibly  have  a  distant  connecting  link  between  this  company 
and  Christianity,  and  it  might  not  have.  But  inasmuch  as  we  had 
bought  the  tickets  we  would  go  and  not  worry  about  it. 

After  supper,  we  all  went  to  the  M.  E.  Church.  I  set  next  to 
Buzzbee.  The  church  was  filled  in  a  short  time,  and  a  young  man 
addressed  the  audience  in  regard  to  the  object  of  the  meeting.  He 
was  very  enthusiastic  on  the  subject  of  temperance,  and  said  they 
wished  to  organize  a  new  temperance  society,  and  push  the  cause  of 
temperance  in  every  part  of  the  city,  and  State  and  nation.  He 
said  the  Rev.  W.  P.  Waterhouse  would  offer  prayer,  after  which  we 
would  listen  to  an  address  from  one  of  Syracuse's  brightest  lights 
and  noblest  workers,  the  Mayor. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


153 


The  minister  offered  his  prayer,  but  I  didn't  hear  a  word  of  it, 
for  I  couldn't  help  thinking  about  the  mayor  that  was  to  speak,  and 
wondered  if  it  was  the  same  mayor  I  met  the  night  before.  After 
prayer  was  over  the  mayor  was  introduced ;  it  was  the  same  man, 
and  he  talked  for  about  an  hour  on  the  evils  of  drinking,  and  even 
made  reference  to  my  country  tavern  bar-room,  to  show  the  degra- 
dation that  strong  drink  was  liable  to  bring  a  man  down  to,  but 
never  hinted  a  word  about  the  fine  genteel  club-room.  I  was  so 


HE   BROUGHT   HIS   FOOT   DOWN   ON    BUZZBEE's   CORNFIELD. 

confounded  indignant  at  his  mean  hypocrisy  that  I  brought  my  foot 
down  with  a  heavy  thug,  right  on  Buzzbee's  corn-field,  and  he  almost 
fainted.  I  didn't  much  care,  for  his  particular  friend,  the  mayor,  by 
every  word  that  he  was  electrifying  the  audience  with,  to  me  was 
establishing  him  as  a  grand  rascal  and  unmitigated  liar,  and  Buzzbee 
and  the  "  leading  merchants,  doctors,  lawyers  and  politicians " 
knew  it. 


!54  SHAMS;    OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

When  we  went  home  to  Buzzbee's,  I  was  so  mad  I  couldn't  act 
decent.  Buzzbee  said,  "  Uncle  Benjamin,  you  haint  used  to  it. 
After  you  have  lived  in  a  city  a  few  years  you  won't  notice  any- 
thing of  that  kind.  You'll  find  that  the  lawyer  pleads  cases  at  the 
bar,  not  for  the  sake  of  the  client,  but  for  pay ;  it  is  his  profession. 
The  doctor  visits  his  patient,  not  because  he  considers  it  his  Chris- 
tian duty  to  cure  the  invalid,  but  for  pay  ;  it  is  his  profession.  The 
minister  that  preaches  two  long  sermons  every  Sunday,  and  visits 
and  smiles  and  shakes  hands  six  days  in  the  week,  doesn't  do  it  be- 
cause he  thinks  the  Almighty  will  destroy  him  if  he  doesn't,  but 
for  the  pay.  The  larger  the  pay  the  louder  the  call  to  '  go  preach ;' 
it  is  his  profession,  and  the  man  that  delivers  temperance  lectures 
doesn't  do  so  because  he  thinks  '  his  Satanic  majesty  will  call  him 
on  a  blind  '  if  he  takes  a  drink,  but  for  the  pay;  it  is  his  profession. 
And  when  a  city  mayor  makes  a  temperance  speech  one  night  and 
treats  the  leading  citizens  in  the  club  room  the  next  night,  you  can 
calculate  he  is  acting  strictly  professional. 

'*  Uncle  Ben,  come  and  see  us  when  you  get  back  from  Califor- 
nia and  let  us  know  if  you  find  any  one  else  that  you  think  is  as 
badly  off  as  our  mayor." 

I  kinder  got  over  my  huff,  talked  more  pleasant-like  until  time 
to  go  for  the  train.  They  took  us  to  the  depot,  we  bid  'em  good- 
by  and  we  got  aboard  the  train,  which  pulled  into  the  depot  about 
the  time  we  drove  up. 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES.  155 


CHAPTER  XV. 

'E  entered  a  sleeping  car  for  the  first  time  in  our  lives.  As 
we  entered  at  the  wash-room  end  of  the  car,  a  nigger 
met  us  and  asked  us  for  the  number  of  our  berth.  I  told  him 
that  was  a  delicate  question  for  a  nigger  to  put  to  a  stranger,  and  as 
Clarissa  was  my  second  wife  I  didn't  care  to  tell  when  either  one  of 
us  was  born,  and  furthermore,  I  didn't  know  that  it  was  any  of  his 
business  when  we  was  born. 

"  No,  no,"  said  he,  "you  don't  understand.  I  am  the  porter  in 
this  car ;  I  take  care  of  the  car,  make  up  the  beds  and  assign  the 
beds  to  the  passengers  according  to  the  number  on  their  berth 
ticket  or  bed  ticket." 

"  Oh,"  said  I  ;  "  well,  why  didn't  you  say  so  in  the  first  place?" 
And  I  pulled  out  my  $284  lot  of  tickets. 

He  looked  them  over  and  said,  "  Your  berth  tickets  are  not 
with  these." 

Said  I,  "  That's  all  the  agent  give  me." 

Said  he,  "  He  should  have  given  you  berth  tickets." 

By  this  time  the  train  was  moving  out  of  the  depot,  and  it  was 
too  late  for  me  to  get  it  fixed  there.  I  asked  him  what  we  should 
do.  He  said  he  had  one  upper  and  lower  together  left  he  could  let 
us  have. 

"  Well,"  said  I,  "  let's  have  them,  for  I'm  mighty  tired."  "  Said 
he,  "  They  will  cost  you  $3  a  day  as  long  as  you  occupy  them." 

Said  I,  "What  kind  of  a  swindle  is  this,  I'd  like  to  know?"  and 
pulled  out  the  advertisement  and  showed  it  to  him.  He  said  it  was 


156  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

no  swindle.  "  The  agent  at  Syracuse  was  at  fault  for  not  giving  you 
the  sleeping-car  tickets.  You  will  have  to  pay  me  three  dollars  a 
day  for  the  time  you  occupy  them,  and  the  last  day  I  give  you  a 
draw-back  check,  which  you  will  present  to  the  company's  agent  in 
San  Francisco,  and  they  will  pay  you  back  the  money  you  pay  me." 
"  Yes,"  said  I,  "  that  is  another  one  of  the  company's  Christian 
acts."  The  nigger  laughed,  and  said  "  'twas  his  orders,  and  he  had 
got  to  obey  orders."  Well,  it  was  no  use  in  quarreling  with  the  nig- 
ger, and  we  was  disturbing  the  passengers  that  had  gone  to  bed,  so 
I  paid  him  three  dollars,  "and  went  to  find  our  beds.  He  took  us  to 
the  other  end  of  the  car,  and  gave  us  what  he  called  section  one. 
Clarissa  said  she  preferred  to  sleep  down  stairs,  so  I  had  to  go  up 
chamber  to  get  to  my  bed.  Things  was  terrible  awkward  to  me.  I 
couldn't  find  a  boot-jack,  and  I  had  to  work  a  good  while  to  get  my 
new  boots  off,  they  was  so  darned  stiff  around  the  instep.  When  I  got 
them  off  I  threw  them  under  Clarissa's  bed,  then  I  climbed  up  a 
short  ladder,  and  got  hold  of  a  rod  and  sprained  my  back  con- 
siderable, and  then  I  had  the  darndest  time  getting  my  breeches  off 
I  ever  had,  and  when  I  got  them  off  I  didn't  know  where  to  put  'em; 
finally  I  put  them  into  bed  with  me,  and  held  them  in  my  arms 
so  no  one  would  get  my  pocketbook  without  waking  me  up.  I  got 
to  bed  after  awhile,  and  was  just  getting  into  a  drowse,  when  the 
feller  that  slept  in  the  next  room  to  me  broke  out  in  the  most  horri- 
ble fit  of  snoring  I  ever  heard  in  my  life,  and  kept  it  up  for  more 
than  two  hours;  then  I  got  to  sleep.  I  woke  up  in  the  morning,  and 
the  nigger  (I  suppose  it  will  sound  better  to  say  porter)  called  out 
"  Buffalo."  I  got  up,  and  had  a  worse  time  in  getting  my  breeches 
on  than  I  had  in  getting  them  off,  and  then  I  called  for  the  ladder,  but 
I  couldn't  get  neither  the  nigger  nor  ladder,  so  I  had  to  hang  my. 
self  to  the  curtain-rod  and  fall  down.  Clarissa  had  got  up  and 
dressed  before  I  came  down  stairs,  and  was  in  t'other  end  of  the  car, 
washing  and  combing.  I  hunted  for  my  boots,  found  them  all  pol- 
ished up  so  you  could  see  your  face  in  them  ;  I  wondered  who  done  it 


UNCLE  BEN  GOES  UI>  CHAMBER  TO  BED. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


'59 


Just  then  the  porter  came  along  and  wanted  to  brush  me  off.  When 
he  got  through,  he  said,  "  A  quarter,  if  you  please." 

"What  for?"  said  I. 

"  For  shining  them  brogans,"  said  he. 

"Oh,  yes,  certainly  ;  I  forgot  that,"  said  I.  "  I  haint  got  used 
to  the  city  nor  the  customs  of  a  sleeping-car  yet,"  and  handed  him 
a  quarter,  with  the  remark,  "  I  suppose  I'll  get  this  back  from  the 


"  MISTER,    WONT  YOU  BUY  A  MORNING   PAPER?" 

company's  agent  at  San  Francisco?  '*  "  Certainly,"  said  he.  I  then 
asked  the  porter  (whom  I  began  to  reverence  by  this  time  as  a  part- 
ner of  the  president  of  the  road)  how  much  it  would  cost  me  to 
wash  and  wipe  in  that  wash-room  and  look  in  that  fine  glass.  "  Oh," 
said  he, "  nothing ;  that  is  free."  I  breathed  a  sigh  of  relief,  and  said, 
"  Young  man  of  auburn  complexion,  that  is  one  thing  that  the  com- 
pany's agents  at  San  Francisco  don't  pay  back,  does  it?"  '  What?" 


l6o  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'.S 

said  he.  "  Why,"  said  I,  "  the  amount  required  for  washing  and 
wiping  and  looking  in  the  glass,  nothing." 

We  had  got  into  the  depot  at  Buffalo,  and  came  to  a  full  stop. 
I  had  washed  and  wiped,  and  was  ready  for  breakfast,  and  Clarissa 
had  done  the  same.  We  felt  as  though  we'd  like  to  step  out  and 
look  around  Buffalo  a  little.  I  asked  the  porter  how  long  we  staid 
there,  and  he  said  twenty  minutes.  I  asked  him  where  we  could  get 
breakfast.  He  said  we  would  have  breakfast  in  the  dining-car  about 
half  an  hour  after  we  left  Buffalo  ;  but  if  1  was  hungry,  I  could  get 
a  very  nice  lunch  in  the  eating-house,  on  the  right-hand  side  of  the 
depot,  and  pointed  it  out  to  us.  Clarissa  said  we  had  better  eat  our 
meals  on  the  cars,  as  they  was  to  be  included  in  our  tickets,  and  she 
kind  of  wanted  to  see  how  they  managed  to  set  a  table  on  the  cars, 
and  cook  and  wash  dishes,  so  I  concluded  not  to  go  into  the  eating- 
house,  as  Clarissa  had  settled  it. 

It  wasn't  much  satisfaction  in  trying  to  see  Buffalo  in  twenty 
minutes;  we  only  got  a  chance  to  go  on  one  side  of  the  depot  and 
Ipok  out  of  the  door  a  minute,  when  we  would  hear  an  engine-bell 
ring,  and  thinking  it  was  our  train  starting,  we  would  rush  back  to 
the  train,  only  to  find  that  it  was  some  other  engine  going  through 
the  depot.  Then  we  went  on  t'other  side  and  looked  out  of  the 
door  a  minute,  and  heard  another  bell  ringing,  and  back  we  rushed 
to  the  train,  only  to  find  we  was  fooled  again.  We  concluded  we 
would  walk  up  and  down  the  platform,  close  to  the  train,  so  we 
wouldn't  get  left.  A  few  minutes  passed,  when  the  conductor  yelled 
out,  "  All  aboard ! "  and  we  made  a  rush  for  the  car,  and  obeyed  the 
conductor's  orders.  I  don't  suppose  I'  have  got  a  very  correct  idea 
of  Buffalo,  although  I  can  say,  if  any  one  asks  me  if  I  have  been 
there,  that  I  have. 

While  I  was  walking  on  the  sidewalk  outside  the  depot,  a  little 
boy  with  a  pair  of  bright  eyes  and  a  dirty  face,  clothed  in  rags, 
came  along  with  a  lot  of  papers  under  his  arm,  and  said,  "  Mister, 
won't  you  buy  a  morning  paper?" 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES.  l6t 

"How  much  be  they."  said  I. 

"  Five  cents,"  he  replied. 

I  didn't  care  for  the  paper,  although  Clarissa  said  she  would 
like  one,  but  I  thought  that  there  was  a  bright,  honest  little  boy,  no 
doubt  earning  what  he  could  to  take  care  of  a  poor,  sick  mother  or  crip- 
pled father,  or  perhaps  both,  and  it  was  a  Christian  and  neighborly 
act  to  help  him,  so  I  said,  "  Yes,  I'll  take  one,  and  pulled  out  a  two- 
dollar  bill  and  gave  him,  and  he  counted  back  the  change  to  me> 
one  dollar  and  ninety-five  cents.  I  gave  him  an  extra  five  cents,  anu 
told  him  he  was  a  nice  little  bub,  and  put  the  change  in  my  vest 
pocket. 

He  seemed  to  be  wonderfully  pleased,  while  I  thought  to  my- 
self,  "  How  much  more  blessed  it  is  to  give  than  to  receive."  The 
great  mass  of  people  don't  exactly  understand  this  giving  business. 
If  they  are  asked  to  give  something  to  a  charitable  cause  they  are  a 
long  time  pulling  out  their  pocketbook,  and  when  they  get  it  out 
they  make  a  horrible  face,  and  feel  as  though  they  was  about  to 
have  an  arm  amputated.  Now,  in  such  cases,  what  they  give  does 
'em  no  good — in  fact,  it  does  them  a  positive  injury,  because  they 
have  violated  the  true  principle  of  giving — they  have,  in  fact,  given 
nothing,  but  simply  undergone  the  operation  of  squeezing.  A  gift 
should  come  from  the  heart,  and  when  it  does  the  reaction  on  the 
feelings  of  the  giver  is  worth  more  than  the  amount  of  money 
handed  to  the  applicant.  He  has  a  calm  and  peaceful  mood  onto 
him  that  seems  to  pat  him  on  the  back  and  say,  "  Good  feller  ;  you'll 
pass  in." 

I  had  this  kind  of  feeling  come  all  over  me,  first  commencing 
at  my  toes  and  gradually  creeping  up  over  my  visible  person,  end- 
ing on  the  topmost  spire  that  towers  aloft  from  the  summit  of  ven- 
eration bump  that  surmounts  my  upper  deck,  when  I  gave  that 
extra  nickel  to  that  honest  little  newsboy.  And  I  thought  to  myself 
"  Why  can't  folks,  when  they  contribute  anything,  instead  of  acting 
so  all-fired  stingy  about  it,  thereby  shutting  out  the  Comforting  angel 


162 


SHAMS  ;    OR,    UNCLE   BEN  S 


of  satisfaction,  give  the  amount  of  their  donation  with  a  free  and 
pleasant  spirit,  and  have  that  same  happyfying  feeling  I  have  referred 
to,  roost  upon  their  crowning  spires?" 

The  widow's  mite  was  a  blessing  to  her,  not  on  account  of  the 


"BREAKFAST   IS   NOW   READY   IN   THE   DINING   CAR   FORWARD." 

large  amount  of  property  it  represented,  but  the  true  spirit  that 
prompted  the  gift. 

We  had  been  gone  about  twenty  miles  from  Buffalo,  when  a  big, 
fat  nigger,  with  a  white  roundabout  and  apron,  hollowing  like  a  boss 
at  a  barn-raising, ''  Breakfast  is  now  ready  in  the  dining-car,  forward  !" 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  163 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

;E  followed  the  other  passengers  (who  seemed  to  be  better 
posted  than  we  was)  into  the  dining-car.  They  give  us  a 
seat,  and  handed  me  a  tract  to  read.  I  handed  it  to  Clarissa, 
and  told  her  I  was  too  hungry  to  read  tracts — I'd  read  it  after  break- 
fast. The  waiter  said  it  wasn't  a  tract,  but  a  bill  of  fare  for  me  to 
order  my  breakfast  from. 

"Oh!  "said  I,"  I  didn't  know  that.  Well,  never  mind  that  now  ; 
Clarissa  can  get  her  breakfast  out  of  it  if  she  wants  to,  but  you  can 
just  bring  me  a  good,  square  breakfast.  Any  good,  common  vict- 
uals, such  as  you  use  every  day,  will  do  me.  I  don't  want  you  to 
put  yourselves  out  on  my  account ;  only  bring  me  enough  of  it,  for 
I  am  pretty  hungry."  Clarissa  read  every  word  of  her  bill  of  fare, 
and  then  said  she  didn't  exactly  understand  all  of  it,  but  she  would  take 
"  beefsteak  with  toadstools,  and  some  chicken  a  la  fricka  with  cran- 
berry sass,  and  some — some — some  pancakes  a  la — say  !  waiter, 
what  is  that  other  word?"  "Francaise;  it  means  French  style." 
"  Oh,  yes,"  said  Clarissa,  "  I  know  what  it  means,  but  my  eyesight  is 
a  little  poor,  and  I  couldn't  quite  make  out  the  word  ;  well,  I'll  take 
some  of  them,  and  some  of  that  stuff  there  (pointing  the  waiter 
to  another  word  that  her  eyesight  was  too  poor  to  make  out),  and 
some  coffee,  and  I  guess  that's  all,"  and  the  waiter  started  for  the 
other  end  of  the  car,  where  they  do  the  cooking. 

After  he  had  gone,  I  said  to  Clarissa,  "  What  did  you  pretend 
to  that  nigger  you  understood  that  stuff  you  read,  when  you  didn't 
know  what  it  meant  any  more  than  I  know  Greek?" 


!64  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

"  Well,  Benjamin,"  said  she, "  what  is  the  use  of  my  confessing  I 
was  ignorant  to  that  waiter,  when  I  could  just  as  well  lay  it  onto  my 
eyes  as  not?" 

"  Well,  in  the  first  place,  that  is  shamming  in  a  small  way,  and  you 
despise  that  kind  of  business  as  much  as  I  do,  and  then  you  don't 
fool  the  nigger  a  mite,  for  he  knows  you  don't  know  anything  about 
French,  and  it  b/mgs  you  down  even  in  the  estimation  of  the  nigger, 
for  he  11  know  you  are  pretending  to  know  something  you  don't 
know." 

The  car  was  beautiful  inside ;  looking-glasses  all  around,  every- 
thing nice.  While  they  was  getting  our  breakfast  ready,  the  land- 
lord of  the  car  handed  us  a  plate  of  grapes  and  oranges,  and  they 
was  first-rate.  Pretty  soon  the  waiter  came  with  our  breakfast. 
Clarissa  got  her  bill  of  fare  breakfast,  and  I  got  a  good,  square 
breakfast.  Mine  was  better  than  her'n,  for  there  was  more  of  it.  I 
got  some  good  pancakes,  and  I'll  be  blamed  if  I  could  see  any  differ- 
ence between  them  and  her  pancakes  a  la  Francaise. 

We  had  a  mighty  good  breakfast,  and  told  the  landlord  he  set  a 
good  table,  and  started  to  go  back  to  our  car,  when  he  said  I  hadn't 
paid  for  my  breakfast.  I  told  him  I  guessed  I  had ;  I  pulled  out 
my  tickets  and  showed  them  to  him,  and  then  I  pulled  out  the  ad- 
vertisement of  the  company,  and  showed  it  to  him. 

He  smiled,  and  said  that  the  company  would  no  doubt  do  as  they 
agreed  to,  but  that  the  dining-car  was  run  by  an  independent  com- 
pany, and  not  by  the  excursion  company ;  that  I  had  no  ticket 
among  those  I  bought  in  Syracuse  that  entitled  us  to  meals ;  that  I 
would  have  to  pay  him  for  what  meals  I  got,  and  he  would  give 
me  draw-back  checks  for  each  meal  paid  for,  and  when  I  got  to  San 
Francisco  I  could  present  them  at  the  company's  office  there  and 
have  the  money  all  refunded. 

"  Yes,  just  so,"  said  I ;  "  this  is  another  Christian  act.  Well,  here 
is  your  money,"  at  the  same  time  getting  the  change  out  of  my 
vest  pocket  that  the  poor  little  newsboy  gave  me  in  Buffalo.  "  How 
much  is  it? "  said  I. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  165 

He  said  it  was  seventy-five  cents  apiece. 

"Whew!"  said  I,  "it's  a  good  breakfast,  but  it's  a  dumb  big 
price  for  it."  I  handed  him  the  change — a  one-dollar  piece  and  a 
fifty-cent  piece.  He  examined  them  closely,  and  then  threw  them 
on  the  table,  and  handed  them  back  to  me,  saying, 

"  Those  are  both  counterfeit,  sir — good  for  nothing." 

I  was  perfectly  dumbfounded,  and  explained  to  the  landlord 
how  I  got  them.  He  said  he  had  no  doubt  of  the  truth  of  my  state- 
ment ;  that  it  was  an  everyday  occurrence  at  that  depot.  I  asked 
him  if  they  didn't  have  policemen  at  the  depot  in  Buffalo. 

"Oh  yes,"  he  said. 

"Well,  then,"  said  I,  "why  don't  they  arrest  them  little 
villains  ?  " 

"  Because,"  said  he,  "  they  get  part  of  the  swag." 

I  paid  him  good  money  for  our  breakfast,  and  went  to  our  car. 
When  I  get  back  to  Buffalo  I  am  going  to  have  that  little  scamp 
arrested,  if  it  takes  me  a  week.  I  wouldn't  be  a  bit  surprised  if  he 
wasn't  some  relative  of  Jim  Teeters'. 

When  we  got  back  to  our  car  they  had  got  the  beds  all  put  out 
of  sight  somewhere,  but  I  couldn't  see  where  they  went  to,  and  the 
car  looked  fine.  We  got  nicely  seated  and  Clarissa  had  adjusted 
her  gold-bowed  specs,  preparatory  to  reading  that  one-month-old 
paper  I  bought  of  that  little  villain,  when  an  old  gentleman  sitting 
in  the  seat  right  in  front  of  us  turned  round,  and  with  a  voice  that 
sounded  like  wind  blowing  through  an  ivory  fine-comb  put  up 
against  a  hole  in  a  window-glass,  said, — 

"  Good-morning ;  it's  a  fine  day.  Are  you  going  very  far  out 
this  way?" 

I  replied  that  we  intended  to  go  as  far  as  the  lay  of  the  land 
and  the  contingent  fund  would  allow  us.  In  other  words,  the  Pa- 
cific Ocean  was  our  present  boundary,  geographically  speaking,  and 
a  reasonable  purse  our  financial  limit;  and  unless  the  Ketchum, 
Holdem  &  Skinem  Company  didn't  rob  us  of  every  dollar  I  had, 


166  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

that  me  and  wife  Clarissa  (pointing  to  her  at  the  same  time),  intend 
to  pillow  our  heads  on  the  sunny  coast  of  the  great  Pacific,  and  see 
if  our  dreams  will  be  like  the  old  forty-niners ;  that  we  are  engaged 
in  the  occupation  of  picking  gold  dollars  off  the  bushes,  and  loading 
them  into  ships  to  be  transported  back  to  the  land  of  their  nativity. 

"  Well,  I  am  glad  you  are  going  out  there,  for  that's  just  where 
I  am  going,  too,"  said  he. 

"I  supposed  so,"  I  replied,  "and  I  suppose  all  the  passengers 
on  this  train  are  bound  for  the  same  place — California." 

The  old  gentleman  had  a  long,  narrow,  rounding  face,  large, 
gray  eyes,  a  large,  crooked  nose,  the  end  of  which  swelled  out  like 


THE   OLD   INQUISITOR. 

a  feeding-bottle,  and  was  ornamented  on  the  left  side  with  a  huge 
seed-wart.  His  complexion  was  between  a  carroty  and  a  strawberry 
color,  and  his  face  was  surrounded  by  a  deep  fringe  of  White  whis- 
kers, Horace  Greeley  style.  He  skewed  himself  around  in  the  seat, 
so  he  could  get  a  good  look  at  us,  and  opened  out  the  following 
conversation  : 

"  I've  got  a  son  and  two  sons-in-law  living  out  in  that  country, 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  167 

and  I  haint  seen  'em  for  a  long  time,  and  when  I  found  out  this  excur- 
sion was  going  to  take  folks  through  to  California  so  cheap,  I 
thought  I'd  better  go  out  and  see  the  chidren  once  more  before  I 
died.  You  see,  I'm  getting  pretty  well  along  in  years;  I'll  be  sev- 
enty-seven years  old  if  I  live  to  see  a  year  from  the  3istof  next 
May.  I  live  in  Vermont,  up  in  Windham  County,  and  I  was  down 
to  Albany  visiting  my  wife's  brother,  when  I  heard  of  this  excursion, 
and  concluded  I'd  go,  so  I  wrote  up  home  to  my  son  Thomas,  who 
is  running  my  farm,  to  sell  off  half  a  dozen  cows  and  an  old  kicking 
mare  I  have  been  wanting  to  sell  for  a  good  while,  and  send  me  the 
nxoney,  as  I  was  going  to  California. 

"  I  got  the  money  last  Saturday,  and  now  I'm  on  the  way  there, 
but  I'll  be  goll-darned  if  I  can  see  through  this  scheme  of  charging 
us  a  hundred  dollars  extra  for  our  tickets,  and  then  give  us  a  draw- 
back check,  can  you  ?" 

I  said  I  didn't  at  first,  but  the  agent  at  Syracuse  explained  it  to 
me,  and  under  his  explanation  (which  I  gave  to  the  old  gentleman) 
I  thought  it  was  a  Christian  act ;  however,  since  we  got  aboard  of 
this  train  I  have  seriously  doubted  the  Christian  motive,  and  I  am 
inclined  to  think  it  is  a  sort  of  "  an  s.  s.  arrangement." 

"  '  An  s.  s.  arrangement?' "  said  he.     "  What  is  that  ?" 

I  told  him  it  was  a  "soft  snap"  for  the  K.,  H.  &  S.  Company; 
however,  we  could  tell  better  when  we  got  through. 

I  found  we  had  got  a  very  inquisitive  neighbor.  In  two  straight 
hours  he  had  told  us  his  entire  family  history  and  given  us  the  line 
of  his  pedigree  as  far  back  as  he  could  get,  and  then  he  began  a 
series  of  questions  with  a  view  to  investigating  my  record  and  etcet- 
era, but  I  declined  to  be  put  into  the  witness  box.  Clarissa  got  him 
engaged  in  a  argument  on  the  temperance  question.  Somehow  or 
other  she  thought  she  could  see  behind  that  red  face  and  bottle 
nose  a  whole  distillery,  and  she  just  fired  shot  after  shot  of  good 
sound  temperance  logic  at  him,  and  got  the  best  of  him  every  time, 
and  completely  downed  him.  He  took  his  little  satchel  and  went 


l68  SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

into  the  men's  wash-room  end  of  the  car,  and  in  a  few  minutes 
returned,  and  his  breath  smelled  as  though  he  had  opened  a  door 
to  a  country  tavern.  Across  the  aisle,  at  the  other  end  of  the  car, 
four  gentlemen  had  got  a  table  put  up  between  them  and  was  play- 
ing cards.  They  seemed  to  enjoy  themselves  very  much,  and 
seemed  to  be  pretty  smart  men.  I  always  supposed  that  no  one  but 
gamblers  played  cards,  but  I  have  learned  in  the  few  days  I  have 
been  away  from  home  that  real  good  ladies  and  gentlemen  play 
cards  for  amusement.  Clarissa's  cousins,  the  Buzzbees,  at  Syra- 
cuse played  cards,  and  they  belong  to  the  Methodist  Church.  I  told 
Clarissa  I  was  going  to  learn  to  play,  and  then  I  would  learn  her  how 
to  play,  and  we  could  have  considerable  sport  evenings  and  other 
times  when  we  hadn't  got  anything  else  to  do.  Clarissa  said  she 
hadn't  a  mite  of  objection  to  my  learning  to  play  cards  if  I  wanted 
to,  but  as  for  her,  she  hadn't  got  any  time  to  fool  with  cards,  for  she 
had  more  reading  on  hand  than  she  could  manage  to  attend  to. 

I  went  over  where  they  was  playing  and  said  "Gentlemen,  I 
don't  want  to  be  impolite,  but  I  would  kinder  like  to  watch  you 
play,  if  you  have  no  objection." 

"  Certainly  not,"  they  responded  ;  and  one  of  them  very  politely 
offered  me  his  hand  and  place  in  the  game. 

I  thanked  him,  and  told  him  that  I  didn't  know  one  card  from 
another,  and  never  tried  to  play  any  game  with  them.  That  my 
name  was  Benjamin  Morgan,  from  Morganville,  Blank  County,  State 
of  New  York  ;  that  1  never  traveled  any  ;  never  was  forty  miles 
away  from  home  before  this  trip  in  all  my  life ;  that  me  and  my  wife 
had  been  tolerable  saving  in  our  lives,  and  had  got  quite  a  little  ahead 
and  thought  we  would  take  a  trip  to  California  and  around  the 
country  some. 

I  had  made  up  my  mind  to  learn  what  I  could,  and  I  was  going 
to  learn  how  to  play  cards  so  we  could  have  a  little  amusement  to 
home  with  the  children  and  neighbors. 

One  of  the  gentlemen,  a  very  nice-looking  fellow,  and  dressed 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  169 

real  nice  and  who  I  judged  must  be  pretty  well  off,  as  he  had  an 
elegant  gold  watch  and  chain,  says  : 

"  Here  Uncle  Benjamin." 

"That's  right!  that's  right!"  said  I.  "Where  did  you  ever  see 
me  before?  I  don't  remember  of  ever  meeting  you  before." 

He  replied  that  he  had  never  met  me  before,  and  wanted  to 
know  why  I  thought  he  had. 

"  'Cause,"  said  I,  "every  one  calls  me  Uncle  Ben  at  home,  and  I 
didn't  know  how  you  knew  my  name  was  Uncle." 

"  Oh,"  says  he,  "that's  nothing.  Whenever  I  meet  a  man  that  I 
can  see  at  the  first  glance  is  an  honest  man,  plain,  frank  and  generous, 
unsuspecting,  unassuming,  and  that  can't  play  the  part  of  a  hypocrite 
because  he  is  so  honest  by  nature  that  he  thoroughly  despises  hy- 
pocrisy, I  always  call  him  Uncle.  I  do  so  as  a  compliment,  and  that 
brings  him  into  the  closest  relationship  to  me  that  it  is  possible, 
without  including  him  in  the  direct  family  line.  And  as  I  saw  by 
the  first  glance  that  you  were  such  a  noble,  true  man,  I  could  not  re- 
sist the  desire  to  call  you  Uncle.  I  hope  you  are  not  offended  ?" 

"  No  sir,"  I  replied,  "  not  at  all.  I  thank  you  for  the  compli- 
ment." 

"  Well,  then,  Uncle  Benjamin,  I  have  no  doubt  you  are  on  your 
way,  like  all  the  rest  of  us,  to  California  ?" 

I  informed  him  that  that  was  my  destiny. 

"  Well,  it's  a  long  trip,  and  we  might  as  well  all  get  acquainted 
and  enjoy  ourselves." 

I  told  him  I  fully  acquarificated  in  his  views  of  the  situation. 

"  Now,"  says  he,  "you  just  sit  down  here  in  my  place  and  I'll 
learn  you  how  to  play."  So  I  sat  down  in  his  seat.  "  Mr.  Morgan," 
said  he,  "my  name  is  Richard  Smooth  ;  I  am  from  Providence."  "  Is 
that  so  ?"  said  I,  and  I  jumped  up  and  clasped  his  hand  in  a  most 
cordial  manner,  and  then  I  examined  his  hand  very  closely.  Said 
he,  "  Uncle  Benjamin,  what  do  you  find  so  peculiar  about  my  hand?" 
"Nothin'  in  particular,  only  I've  heard  George  Waddles  and  the 


I/O 


SHAMS;  OR,    UNCLE  BENS 


other  Methodists  down  in  our  village  say  so  much  about  the  hand  of 
Providence.  If  anybody  dies  around  there,  the  '  hand  of  Provi- 
dence' has  something  to  do  with  it.  If  anybody  prospers,  the  '  hand 
of  Providence1  has  blessed  the  prosperous  -party,  and  I  have  always 
had  a  strong  desire  to  see  the  '  hand  of  Providence]  but  of  all  places 
I  should  look  for  it,  the  last  place  would  be  on  an  excursion  train, 
managed  and  operated  by  the  Holdem,  Ketchem  and  Skinem  Com- 
pany, but  here  I've  found  it,  and  now  I  hold  in  my  hand  the  '  hand  of 


THE        HAND   OF   PROVIDENCE. 


Providence'  It  looks  just  like  anybody's  hand,  but  it's  awful  smooth 
and  soft." 

"  Uncle  Benjamin,"  he  said,  "  don't  get  the  wrong  impression. 
The  hand  of  Providence  the  Methodists  down  in  your  village  refer 
to  belongs  to  another  party  entirely  ;  he  is  from  another  Provi- 
dence. I'm  from  Providence,  Rhode  Island.  The  party  your  Meth- 
odist friends  refer  to,  has  never  even  visited  the  city  I  am  from." 

You  can  imagine  my  great  disappointment  in  having  all  those 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  i;i 

bright  fancies  and  delights  that  was  for  the  moment  dancing  in  my 
heart,  and  holding  high  carnival  within  its  realm,  suddenly  dashed 
to  pieces  by  the  real  owner  of  that_section  of  human  anatomy  I  was 
at  that  moment  clinging  to.  I  felt  myself  relax  into  a  withering  and 
lifeless  piece  of  clay.  However,  I  regained  my  usual  calm  habit  in 
a  few  minutes,  when  I  asked  his  pardon  for  my  ignorance,  and  as- 
sured him  I  meant  all  right.  He  then  introduced  me  to  the  other 
gentlemen,  as  Dr.  Montee,  of  New  York  City,  Thomas  Three,  of 
Lowell,  Massachusetts,  nephew  of  B.  B.,  and  Jackson  Kard,  of 
Montreal,  Canada,  a  very  successful  speculator.  Who  would  ever 
have  dreamed  that  the  plain,  homespun  Benjamin  Morgan,  of  Mor- 
ganville,  Blank  County,  New  York,  who  less  than  a  week  ago  was 
stripping  ten  cows  and  a  heifer  every  night  and  morning,  was  now 
sitting  in  a  elegant  palace  car  in  company  with  four  highly  educa- 
ted and  polished  gentlemen  from  different  States  and  nations, 
Messrs.  Smooth,  Three,  Kard  and  Montee,  and  the  gentleman  from 
Providence  trying  to  learn  me  the  mysterious  and  highly  interesting 
art  of  playing  cards.  He  proceeded  to  inform  me  that  the  game  they 
was  playing  at  that  time,  was  Seven-up,  or  what  used  to  be  called 
Old  Sledge.  "  Now,  uncle  Benjamin,  they  will  deal  off  six  cards 
apiece  and  as  you  are  the  first  player  at  the  left  hand  of  the  dealer, 
you  have  the  privilege  of  begging,  if  the  trump  don't  suit  you, 
or  standing  your  hand  if  it  does  suit  you.  Well,  there  !  don't  you  see 
he  has  turned  a  spade ;  now  spades  are  trumps,  and  you  have  got  a 
good  hand  ;  there  is  the  ace,  the  king,  the  jack  and  deuce;  you  want 
to  stand  your  hand  ;  you  will  make  four  times  on  that  hand  ;"  and 
so  he  went  on,  trying  to  learn  me  the  game,  but  I  couldn't  get  a 
mite  of  head  or  tail  to  it.  "  I  am  too  stupid  to  ever  learn  this  game," 
said  I,  "  and  I  am  just  spoiling  the  game  for  the  rest  of  you,  and  I'll 
get  up.''  "  No,  no  !  Uncle  Benjamin,  you  are  doing  splendid.  I 
never  saw  a  beginner  do  so  well;  did  you,  boys?"  said  Mr. 
Smooth,  and  all  joined  in  the  chorus,  "No,  never.  He  has  beaten 
us  this  game,  already."  And  I  was  just  big  enough  fool  to  keep 


172  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

on  trying  to  learn.  But  the  more  I  tried,  the  more  I  became  dis- 
gusted with  it,  and  Dr.  Montee  said,  if  Mr.  Morgan  didn't  care  to 
play  any  longer  they  ought  not  to  insist.  "  Oh  !  certainly  not,"  they 
all  responded,  and  we  quit  just  as  the  same  nigger  come  through  the 
car,  hollering,  "Dinner  is  now  ready  in  the  dining  car,  forward," 
I  took  Clarissa  to  dinner  and  I  told  her  all  about  these  nice  gentle- 
men, and  she  shook  her  head  and  said,  "  Benjamin,  you  had  better 
let  them  men  alone  ;  there  is  something,  I  don't  know  what  it  is, 
but  something  or  other  tells  me  that  they  don't  mean  you  any 
good,  and  Fd  advise  you  to  have  nothing  to  do  with  them." 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  173 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

'E  had  a  fine  dinner,  and  as  I  had  to  pay  seventy-five  cents,  I 
concluded  I'd  eat  all  I  could  at  dinner,  then  I  wouldn't  get 
any  supper,  and  in  that  way  I  would  save  seventy-five  cents. 
Things  went  on  the  usual  way  ;  we  had  a  splendid  dinner.  I  tried 
the  bill  of  fare  arrangements,  but  I  confess  I  don't  like  that  way  of 
getting  my  victuals.  I'd  rather  have  'em  bring  me  the  best  they 
have  got  in  the  house,  without  a  bill  of  fare,  than  to  spend  twenty 
minutes  or  half  an  hour  in  trying  to  find  the  best  they've  got,  and 
then  run  a  risk  of  getting  fooled  on  a  good  share  of  it  that  I  can't 
fully  understand.  I  may  get  used  to  it  before  we  get  home. 

While  we  was  eating  dinner,  Clarissa  and  I  talked  together 
considerable,  and  she  kept  an  eye  on  those  four  new  acquaintances 
of  mine.  When  we  went  back  to  our  car,  she  said  she  believed 
them  fellows  was  sharpers. 

"  Oh !  no,"  says  I,  "  they  are  all  fine  gentlemen.  That  fellow 
there,  sitting  next  to  the  window,  with  that  large  red  moustache,  is 
Dr.  Montee  of  New  York  City,  and  that  gentleman  with  a  gray 
moustache  and  keen,  black  eye,  sitting  in  the  same  seat  with  the 
Doctor,  is  Judge  Three,  of  Lowell,  Massachusetts,  and  that  fellow 
with  his  back  to  us,  is  Jackson  Kard,  from, Montreal,  Canada." 

Just  at  this  moment  Mr.  Smooth  approached  me,  saying, — 

"  Uncle  Benjamin,  wouldn't  you  like  to  join  us  in  a  social  game 
of  cards?  I'll  learn  you  a  new  game." 

Says  I,  "  Mr.  Smooth,  let  me  make  you  acquainted  with  my 
wife,  Clarissa." 


174 


SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BENS 


Mr.  Smooth  was  very  polite,  and  done  his  level  best  to  make 
himself  agreeable  to  Clarissa,  but  she  acted  very  cold,  almost  frigid. 
I  was  ashamed  of  her,  but  Mr.  Smooth  didn't  seem  to  mind  it  a  par- 
ticle. He  settled  down  into  the  seat  in  front  of  us,  and  began  talk- 
ing to  that  wife  of  mine  just  as  if  he  had  known  her  forever,  and 
finally  he  got  her  interested  in  talking  history.  He  seemed  to  know 
something  of  everything  ;  he  was  a  regular  walking,  talking  and 
acting  encyclopedia. 

While  Mr.  Smooth  was  entertaining  Clarissa,  Dr.   Montee  mo- 


"  SHE  ACTED  VERY  COLD,  ALMOST  FRIGID." 

tioned  with  his  hand  for  me  to  come  over  to  his  seat.  I  done  so, 
and  the  Doctor  become  very  interesting  to  me.  He  was  telling 
about  his  travels  in  this,  that  and  the  other  country.  Presently  Mr. 
Smooth  returned  to  his  friends  and  said, — 

"  Mr.  Morgan,  wouldn't  you  like  to  learn  another  game  of  cards  ? 
We  can  learn  you  a  very  simple  game,  the  easiest  learned  of  any 
game  with  cards.  It  is  called  '  Poker,'  "  and  he  went  on  to  explain 
it  all  to  me.  He  showed  me  how  four  aces  could  beat  anything, 
and  how  four  kings  could  beat  four  queens,  and  four  queens  could 
beat  four  jacks  and  so  on,  and  that  three  of  a  kind  could  beat  two 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  175 

pair,  and  a  flush  could  beat  threes,  and  a  full  hand  could  beat  a  flush, 
etc.,  etc.  I  thought  I  could  see  into  that  right  away.  After  I  thought 
I  could  understand  it  pretty  well,  Jackson  Kard  proposed  that 
we  try  our  luck  on  a  few. games. 

"Well,"  said  I,  "if  Mr.  Smooth  will  stand  by  and  assist  me,  1 
don't  mind  if  I  try  a  few  games." 

It  was  my  turn  to  deal.  I  dealt  'em  all  round.  Judge  Three, 
my  left  hand  neighbor,  said  : 

*'  I'll  anty  one  dollar,  call  two  dollars." 

Said  I,  "What  do  you  mean  about  bringing  your  aunt  into  this 
game  for  one,  two  or  any  number  of  dollars?  What  has  she  got  to 
do  with  this  game  any  way?"  I  begun  to  feel  a  little  indignant,  but 
Mr.  Smooth  explained  it  all  to  me  so  I  understood  it  all  right. 

After  they  all  got  around  and  called  for  what  new  cards  they 
wanted  to  fill  their  hands  with,  I  didn't  bet  anything,  for  I  didn't  have 
a  very  good  hand,  but  when  the  other  fellows  dealt  I  got  first  rate 
good  hands,  and  I  won  several  small  bets  of  five  or  ten  or  fifteen 
dollars,  and  once  or  twice  I  lost  a  little.  Pretty  soon,  when  Dr. 
Montee  was  dealing,  he  dealt  me  four  aces  and  a  queen.  When  Mr. 
Smooth  saw  my  hand,  he  whispered  to  me  that  I  had  the  best  hand 
it  was  possible  to  get,  and  to  just  make  a  heavy  bet,  for  I  would 
surely  win.  So  I  said,  "  I'd  bet  $100."  Dr.  Montee  said,  "  I'll  see 
you  and  raise  you  fifty."  Smooth  whispered  to  me  to  see  him  and 
raise  him  fifty  more,  that  would  be  $200.  I  done  as  Smooth  thought 
best,  as  he  was  my  assistant.  I  thought  if  I  could  win  a  couple  of 
hundred  dollars  from  some  fellows  that  was  determined  to  lose  it 
any  way,  it  would  kinder  make  me  even  in  case  the  H.,  K.&  S.  Com- 
pany's agent  in  San  Francisco  should  try  to  beat  me,  so  I  said,  "  I 
would  raise  the  Doctor  fifty  more."  The  Doctor  regretted  he 
could  not  see  me  at  $200,  as  $150  was  all  the  change  he  had.  Most 
of  his  money  was  in  drafts  on  the  Chemical  Bank  of  New  York. 
He  always  considers  it  safer  to  carry  his  money  when  taking  long 


1/6  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BENS 

trips  like  this,  in  drafts,  which  he  could  get  cashed  at  any  time  at 
any  of  the  banks. 

He  produced  one  of  his  drafts;  it  was  for  five  hundred  dollars. 
He  said,  "  Mr.  Morgan,  if  you  have  got  that  amount  of  currency 
about  you,  and  will  cash  it  for  me,  I'll  meet  you  in  your  bet  on  $200." 
I  thought  it  over,  I  thought  it  was  just  the  same  as  money,  and  I  was 
sure  to  win  his  $200.  So  I  said,  "  Gentlemen,  I  don't  know  any- 


"  BENJAMIN   MORGAN,    WHAT   ARE   YOU   DOING   HERE?" 

thing  about  it,  whether  the  bank  is  good  or  not."  "  Oh,  yes,"  they 
all  responded,  "that  is  the  best  bank  in  New  York  City.  If  you 
wish  to  accommodate  the  Doctor,  we  will  indorse  the  draft  with 
him."  So  I  said,  "  Well,  gentlemen,  you  indorse  the  draft  and  I'll 
give  you  the  money  for  it." 

Just  at  that  moment  Clarissa  (who  had  been  watching  us)  came 
up  where  we  was,  and  in  a  searching  manner  and  a  Major-General 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES.  177 

tone  of  voice,  said  :  "  Benjamin  Morgan,  what  are  you  doing  here? 
What  are  you  pulling  your  money  out  here  in  this  manner  for?" 

I  explained  to  her  what  had  been  done,  and  what  was  about  to 
be  did.  She  said  : 

"  Well,  you  put  your  money  in  your  pocket,  and  let  that  piece 
of  paper  alone,  and  let  these  men  alone,  and  come  along  with  me  to 
our  seat." 

I  said,  "  Gentlemen,  I  am  sorry  to  disappoint  you,  and  sorry  1 
couldn't  play  this  hand  out,  for  you  can  all  see  I  would  have  won 
it  (at  the  same  time  showing  my  hand  by  throwing  it  on  the  table), 
but  when  my  wife  Clarissa  speaks  in  that  manner,  it  settles  it  be- 
yond any  question,  and  all  further  debate  is  unnecessary." 

I  left  'em  and  went  to  my  seat  with  my  garden  angel,  as  she 
proved  to  be  on  this  as  on  former  occasions.  She  told  me  after  we 
was  seated  in  our  own  bedroom  end  of  the  car,  that  them  fellows 
was  all  regular  gamblers  and  blacklegs,  and  that  Smooth  was  the 
leader  of  the  gang,  that  the  draft  I  was  about  to  give  them  five 
hundred  dollars  for  was  worthless,  altogether  likely  a  forgery,  and 
by  my  getting  my  money  out  before  them  exposed  what  I  had,  and 
if  they  had  got  the  $500  they  would  get  the  rest  before  they  left 
me.  "  Now,  you  mark  my  word  they'll  get  that  money  from  you 
yet,  unless  you  keep  away  from  'em." 

I  told  her  I  wouldn't  play  cards  with  'em  any  more,  and  I'd  be 
dumbed  if  I'd  play  another  card  if  that  was  the  kind  of  company 
it  got  me  into,  but  I  couldn't  believe  them  fellows  was  rascals. 

I  had,  in  a  long  pocketbook  that  I  carried  in  the  inside  pocket 
of  my  coat,  $1,150.  I  knew  just  the  amount,  as  I  counted  it  all  over 
at  Buzzbee's  house  in  Syracuse,  when  I  was  putting  on  my  breeches. 
I  got  one  gallus  on,  and  just  happened  to  think  that  I'd  better  fix  my 
money  and  know  just  how  much  I  had ;  and  I  didn't  wait  to  hitch 
up  'tother  gallus,  but  counted  over  and  put  $1,150  in  this  book.  It 
was  a  new  one  that  I  bought  the  day  before  in  a  store  on  Salina 
street.  My  old  one  was  about  wore  out  and  not  much  account,  and 
I  kept  $300  in  my  old  book  that  I  carried  in  my  breeches  pocket. 

12 


1 78 


SHAMS  ;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN  S 


While  Clarissa  was  talking  to  me  she  noticed  that  there  was  a 
button  coming  off  my  new  coat  and  a  place  under  the  sle.eve  where  it 
was  ripped  about  three  inches.  So  she  says : 

"  Benjamin,  if  you'll  take  off  your  coat  I'll  mend  that  before  it 
gets  so  dark  I  can't  see."  She  got  a  spool  of  thread  and  a  thimble 
out  of  her  pocket  while  T  pulled  off  my  coat. 

"Oh  say,  Benjamin,"   said  she,  "did  you  buy  that  paper  of 


DIDN'T  WAIT  TO  HITCH  UP  T'OTHER  CALLUS.' 


needles  for  me  that  I  asked  you  to  in  Syracuse?  I  forgot  to  ask  you 
for  'em  before." 

"  Yes,"  said  I,  "  here  they  be,  I  think,"  and  I  pulled  out  my  old 
pocketbook  and  handed  it  to  her,  and  said  I  put  them  there.  I  thought 
I'd  go  and  wash  while  she  was  fixing  my  coat,  as  it  was  pretty  nigh 
supper  time. 

When  I  had  finished  my  toilet  operations  and  returned  to  my 
seat,  Clarissa  had  the  coat  all  mended  and  held  it  up  for  me  to  put 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  179 

on,  and  gave  me  the  pocketbook,  which  I  shoved  down  my  right 
hand  breeches  pocket,  where  I  always  carry  it. 

We  was  now  approaching  Cleveland.  Mr.  Smooth  came  to  me 
and  in  a  very  polite  way  asked  me  if  I  wouldn't  like  to  take  a  walk 
around  the  depot  a  few  minutes,  as  the  train  would  remain  there 
twenty  or  thirty  minutes.  I  felt  kind  o'  tired  of  being  boxed  up  in 
that  car  all  day,  and  just  wanted  a  chance  to  get  out  a  little  while, 
and  said,  "  If  Clarissa  is  willing,  I'll  go  along  with  you."  Clarissa 
said  she  didn't  care,  but  she  wanted  me  to  remember  what  she  told 
me.  "  All  right,"  I  told  her. 

We  had  at  this  time  arrived  in  the  depot,  and  I  joined  company 
with  the  four  fine  gentlemen  for  a  walk  around  the  building.  Pretty 
soon  we  saw  a  big  crowd  around  the  ticket  window,  and  some  one 
was  talking  terrible  loud,  and  it  looked  as  if  there  was  going  to  be 
a  big  fight.  All  the  gentlemen  said,  "  Let's  hurry  up  and  see  the 
fun."  So  I  rushed  up  with  the  rest  of  them,  and  in  less  than  two 
minutes  I  was  jammed  right  into  the  middle  of  the  crowd.  I 
couldn't  get  out,  for  the  crowd  kept  getting  bigger  and  bigger 
every  minute.  My  friends  and  I  got  scattered,  and  when  I  got  out 
of  that  crowd  our  conductor  was  hollering,  "  All  Aboard!"  I  made 
quick  time  for  the  train  and  got  on  the  steps  just  as  the  train  was 
moving.  There  stood  Clarissa  on  the  platform,  looking  pale  and 
trembling.  I  asked  her  what  was  the  matter. 

She  said,  "  Oh,  Benjamin,  I  have  been  so  anxious  for  your  safety 
that  I'm  all  unstrung.  1  watched  you  from  the  moment  you  lef»t  the 
car  until  I  lost  sight  of  you  in  that  horrible  crowd.  I  was  so  afraid 
something  would  happen  to  you,  or  you'd  get  left !" 

"  Well,  I'll  be  dumbed  if  I  wasn't  afraid  I'd  get  left.  I  never 
was  caught  in  such  a  jam  as  that  before,  and  I  never  intend  to  be 
again." 

Says  she,  "  Where  are  your  friends  ?" 

"Goll  dumb  it,"  said  I,  "  I'll  bet  a  cent  they  are  right  in  that 
crowd  now  and  can't  get  out.  Now  that's  too  darned  bad."  I  hoi- 


i8o 


SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 


lered  to  the  conductor  and  asked  him  if  he  wouldn't  stop  the  train 
and  back  up  to  the  depot — that  those  four  gentlemen  was  left. 

Said  he,  "  Do  you  mean  those  four  fellows  you  was  playin* 
cards  with  ?" 

'"Yes,"  said  I. 

"Oh,  well,  don't  worry  about  them  ;  they  didn't  intend  to  go 
any  further.  Their  tickets  wasvfor  Cleveland." 

"  Well,  but  they  told  me  they  was  on  their  way  to  California, 
and  was  glad  I  was  going  along  so  they  could  have  my  company.*' 


"ALL  ABOARD!" 

"  Well,  sir,  that  gang  have  been  on  their  way  to  California  for 
the  last  half  dozen  years,  but  they  never  get  any  nearer  California 
than  Chicago,  nor  much  further  from  that  golden  State  than  Buf- 
falo. I  have  no  doubt  they  was  glad  of  your  company ;  they  are 
quite  a  lonesome  class  of  fellows — always  trying  to  make  new  ac- 
quaintances. Generally  they  pick  farmers.  The  more  honest  the 
farmers  seem  to  be,  the  more  readily  do  they  select  them  for  ac- 
quaintance." 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  l8l 

"Well,  I'd  like  to  know  how  they  can  tell  farmers  from  anybody 
«lse  on  the  train  ?" 

The  conductor  smiled  and  said :  "  That  is  a  puzzler.  I  can't 
exactly  explain  the  art,  but  somehow  or  other  anybody  that  has 
traveled  much  can  pick  a  farmer  out  on  a  train  of  cars  every  time. 
I  don't  know  how  it's  done,  unless  it's  because  they  pick  the  honest 
looking  ones.  But  my  friend,  I  haven't  time  to  talk  with  you  any 
longer,  as  I  have  a  heavy  train  to  look  after.  You  may  discover  why 
those  fine  gentlemen  didn't  get  on  again." 

Supper  was  called  for  the  dining  car,  and  although  I  thought  I 
would  make  a  big  dinner  do  for  supper  also,  I  was  just  as  hungry 
as  if  I  hadn't  had  dinner.  So  we  went  to  supper.  We  gave  our 
orders  for  supper,  and  while  the  waiter  was  gone  Clarissa  and  I 
talked  about  what  had  happened,  and  I  asked  her  if  she  could  un- 
derstand it,  She  replied  with  an  expression  of  pity  behind  a  veil 
of  sarcasm  : 

"  Benjamin,  I  admire  your  honesty,  but  I  am  getting  pretty 
tired  of  your  simplicity.  I  knew  you  was  a  honest  and  well-mean- 
ing man  when  I  married  you,  and  I  thought  in  time  you  might  learn 
something,  and  that  after  a  while  I  might  be  proud  of  you.  Some- 
times I  think  I  am,  and  sometimes  I  know  I  aint.  Ever  since  we  left 
Syracuse  you  have  acted  foolisher  and  foolisher.  I  thought  I'd  let 
you  go  and  have  your  own  way,  and  would  have  done  so  had  I  not 
seen  you  in  the  act  of  giving  away  our  money,  and  also  doing  still 
worse,  trying  to  get  their  money  from  them  just  because  they  cal- 
culated wrong  on  some  cards.  Then  I  thought  it  was  the  duty  a 
wife  owed  to  her  weaker  half  to  save  him  from  loss  of  money,  and 
from  the  temptation  the  Devil  always  holds  out,  Money !  Money ! 
to  take  you  away  from  them. 

"  I  don't  think  it  would  take  much  to  pick  you  out,  the  way  you 
have  been  acting  to-day.  Now,  I  want  you  to  steady  down  and  act 
like  a  man  becoming  one  of  your  years."  The  waiter  had  already 
spread  a  delicious  supper  before  us ;  we  had  supplied  the  cravings 


182  SHAMS;   OR,  .UNCLE   BEN'S 

of  our  appetite  and  arose  from  the  table.  I  put  my  hand  into  my 
right  hand  breeches  pocket,  to  get  my  money  to  pay  for  our  sup- 
per, and  my  pocketbook  was  gone.  I  felt  in  t'other  breeches  pocket 
but  it  wasn't  there,  then  I  felt  for  my  long  pocketbook  in -my 
coat  pocket  and  it  was  gone.  I  felt  in  every  pocket  I  had,  but  not 
a  sign  of  either  pocketbook. 

"Clarissa,"  said  I,  in  great  excitement,  "I've  been  robbed! 
I've  been  stolen !  I've  been  waylaid  !  I've  been  murdered  !  No,  no, 
not  murdered,  but  everything  else ;  what  shall  I  do?  I  haven't  got  a 
dollar,  nor  a  ticket  of  any  kind,  nor  a  drawback  check  of  any  kind ; 
they  were  all  in  them  two  pocketbooks,"  and  trembling  like  a  poplar 
leaf  in  a  September  gale  I  sank  into  a  seat  and  was  about  to  faint 
away,  when  the  conductor  came  along  and  inquired  what  was  the 
matter.  They  told  him,  and  he  said  he  thought  I'd  find  out  why 
the  four  fine  gentlemen  didn't  get  on  again  at  Cleveland.  That 
made  me  a  little  mad,  and  I  spunked  up  some.  Clarissa  paid  for 
the  supper  out  of  some  of  her  private  money.  I  told  the  conductor 
I  didn't  know  what  to  do,  for  my  tickets  was  gone,  and  I  hadn't  got 
a  dollar  to  get  back  with.  The  conductor  said  he  would  carry  us 
through  to  Chicago  any  way,  and  then  I  could  telegraph  home  for 
money. 

We  went  back  to  our  car ;  Clarissa  didn't  seem  to  worry  a  mite, 
but  seemed  to  enjoy  my  discomfort.  I  said  to  her  that  we  would 
have  to  get  back  home,  some  way,  from  Chicago.  She  plainly  said 
in  a  cold  and  unsympathizing  voice,  that  if  I  wanted  to  go  back  to 
Morganville  and  be  the  laughing  stock  of  that  whole  country  I  could 
go,  but  she  wouldn't  go  one  step  back  until  she  had  pillowed  her 
head  in  California  and  dreamt  her  dream.  I  asked  her  if  she  meant 
what  she  said.  She  informed  me  in  a  very  decided  manner  that  she 
did ;  when  I  saw  there  was  no  room  for  doubt,  I  asked  her  how  she 
expected  to  get  through  ?  She  said  she  knew  several  rich  folks  in 
Chicago,  and  she  intended  to  stop  there  two  or  three  weeks  and 
visit,  and  she  would  borrow  enough  from  them  to  take  her  through 


NOT   A   SIGN   OF   EITHER    POCKET    BOOK. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  1 8$ 

if  necessary.  I  asked  her  if  she  thought  she  could  borrow  enough 
t©  get  me  through  too.  She  said  she  didn't  suppose  she  could.  I 
was  now  on  the  saw-tooth  edge  of  despair,  and  felt  as  if  some  one 
was  liable  any  minute  to  move  the  edge  and  cut  me  into  fragments. 
I  told  Clarissa  I  didn't  know  where  to  sleep  to-night  as  I  hadn't  got 
enough  to  pay  for  my  lodging  nor  hers.  She  said  it  was  good 
enough  for  me,  it  might  learn  me  the  lesson  she  give  me  in  Syracuse, 
viz.,  "  to  keep  my  mouth  shut  and  eyes  wide  open,  and  know  where 
my  pocketbook  was.  Them  fellows  played  you  for  a  S.  S.  and 
took  you  in."  She  kept  on  torturing  my  half-crazed  brain  with 
such  cold  remarks,  and  even  went  so  far  as  to  ask  me  if  I  didn't  want 
to  exchange  photographs  with  my  highly  educated  friends,  Smooth, 
Three,  Kard  and  Montee,  and  take  their  address.  I  told  her  that  I 
.should  be  highly  pleased  just  at  the  present  time  to  have  their  pho- 
tographs and  address ;  I  thought  I  could  make  good  use  of  them. 

She  said  she  had  got  money  enough  to  pay  for  our  beds,  and 
we  would  be  in  Chicago  in  the  morning,  and  for  me  to  go  up  stairs 
to  bed  and  go  to  sleep,  and  perhaps  in  the  morning  I'd  know  some- 
thing. I  always  knew  her  superiority  over  me  in  point  of  intellect 
and  perception,  but  never  before  did  I  have  that  complete  feeling 
that  she  was  the  'master  and  I  the  under  dog,  I  went  to  bed  accord- 
ing to  her  orders,  but  I  didn't  go  to  sleep  according  to  her  orders. 
I  never  slept  a  wink  all  night.  The  whole  experience  of  the  day 
and  evening  passed  before  me  like  a  great  panorama ;  there  it  was 
all  painted  out ;  the  car,  the  old  inquisitor,  the  four  gentlemen,  the 
slick  Mr.  Smooth  and  the  mistaken  "  hand  of  Providence,"  the 
game  of  seven  up,  the  simple  but  very  interesting  game  of  poker, 
the  bets,  the  hand  of  four  aces  and  a  queen,  the  bet  of  $100,  the 
raise  of  fifty,  my  raise  back,  the  draft  for  five  hundred  dollars,  Clar- 
issa's timely  interference,  the  exposure  of  my  money,  the  invitation 
to  walk  in  the  Cleveland  depot,  the  walk,  the  crowd,  the  horrible 
jam  I  was  in,  the  close  connection  made  with  the  moving  train,  the 
interview  with  the  conductor,  the  episode  at  the  supper  table,  Clar- 


1 86  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 

issa  as  my  master  and  I  obeying  her  orders,  and  now  tumbling  and 
rolling  on  an  attic  bed  trying  to  do  what  it  was  impossible  for  me 
to  do,  sleep.  All  this  moved  by  me  under  the  glare  of  a  strong 
electric  light,  in  less  time  than  it  takes  to  tell  it,  and  then  passed 
backward  under  a  red  light,  then  back  again  under  a  green  light, 
and  again  it  rolled  by  under  a  blue  light,  when  I  spoke  out  so  loud 
as  to  wake  Clarissa  up  and  said,  "  Damn  that  panorama." 

Clarissa  spoke  up  and  said,  "Benjamin,  you  let  the  panorama 
alone  and  go  to  sleep  ;  it  ain't  a  panorama,  any  way  ;  it's  my  curtain 
you  are  shoving  one  way  and  another." 

After  what  seemed  to  me  a  month's  time  had  elapsed,  day- 
light broke  the  horrid,  dismal  night,  and  I  climbed  down  and  washed 
up.  As  I  finished,  we  was  pulling  into  Chicago.  It  seemed  to  me 
we  was  over  an  hour  from  the  time  we  got  to  where  the  houses 
was  thick  till  we  got  into  the  depot.  In  the  frenzied  condition  of 
my  mind,  I  wrote  the  following  ode  to  myself.  I  wrote  it  on  the 
starched  part  of  my  shirt  bosom  : 

"  Benjamin  Morgan  is  a  big  fool, 

To  allow  himself  to  be  a  tool 

For  gamblers  and  thieves,  himself  to  plunder ; 

Better  always  to  have  staid  at  hum, 

Than  to  go  away  on  such  a  bum.' 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  187 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

'E  had  left  the  train  and  was  standing  in  the  great  depot  of 
the  great  Lake  Shore  &  Rock  Island  Railroad,  in  the  very 
heart  of  the  great  city  of  Chicago.  Like  the  babes  in  the 
woods,  we  didn't  exactly  know  which  way  to  go,  and  I  didn't  care 
much  which  way  I  went.  All  I  wanted  just  then,  was  to  go  home 
and  stay  there,  and  let  them  travel  and  see  the  world  that  wanted 
to.  For  my  part,  I  had  had  enough  of  it. 

Of  course  we  couldn't  stay  there.  So  Clarissa  said  we'd  go  to 
the  Palmer  House.  She  had  read  a  great  deal  about  it,  and  phe  al- 
ways wanted  to  see  it,  and  we  would  stay  there  one  day,  and  she 
would  inquire  of  Mr.  Palmer  where  her  friends  lived,  and  then  we'd 
hunt  them  up.  So  we  followed  the  crowd  along  to  the  door  on  the 
right  hand  side,  where  we  saw  a  policeman,  or  we  supposed  he  was, 
as  he  was  dressed  in  uniformity.  We  asked  him  if  he  could  show 
us  where  the  Palmer  House  was.  He  told  us  to  take  the  second 
bus  (pointing  to  it),  and  it  would  take  us  there.  We  got  into  the 
bus,  but  before  they  would  take  us  a  foot,  we  had  to  pay  the  fellow 
fifty" cents  apiece.  Then  the  fellow  started  up  and  drove  like  fury 
up  one  street  and  down  another,  and  around  several  more,  and 
finally  pulled  up  in  front  of  a  monstrous  great  big  building,  and  said 
it  was  the  Palmer  House.  I  never  saw  such  a  big  building  before 
in  my  life. 

There  was  a  nigger  standing  at  the  door  of  the  bus  to  take 
our  things ;  he  had  got  Clarissa's  umbrella  and  reticule  and  was  just 
taking  my  valise,  when  I  happened  to  think  it  wasn't  locked,  so  I 


188 


SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 


said,  "  Look  here,  Mr.  African,  please  wait  a  minute,  I  guess  I'll 
take  care  of  that  valise  myself.  He  politely  handed  it  to  me  and 
trotted  along  ahead  of  us. 

I  was  looking  up  at  the  top  of  the  portico  where  we  was,  seeing 
how  awful  pretty  it  was,  and  didn't  notice  the  steps  until  I  tumbled 
over  the  bottom  one  and  fell  my  whole  length  on  the  entry  floor. 

I  got  up  spry  and  felt  ashamed  enough.     Clarissa  said,    "  Ben- 


BENJAMIN,    WHAT   IS  THE   MATTER   WITH   YOU?" 


jamin,  what  is  the  matter  with  you  ?     Why  don't  you  look  where 
you  are  stepping  ?  '* 

We  went  along  into  the  end  of  the  hall  where  the  nigger  give 
Clarissa  a  seat,  and  told  me  to  go  out  into  the  office  with  him.  She 
set  down  there  while  I  went  out  around  a  big  stairway  into  a  mon- 
strous great  big  room,  and  up  to  a  marble  counter,  behind  which 
stood  a  smart  looking  young  man  with  a  pen  in  his  hand,  which  he 
handed  me,  and  shoved  a  book  in  front  of  me. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  189 

I  said,  "  Good-morning,  Mr.  Palmer.  I  don  t  want  your  pen ; 
I  merely  come  in  to  ask  you  if  it  would  be  convenient  for  you  to 
keep  me  and  my  wife  a  day  or  two,  or  until  she  found  some  of  her 
friends  here."  "  Oh,  certainly,"  he  replied,  "  but  you  take  this  pen 
and  register  your  names,  so  that  we  can  assign  you  rooms." 

I  shook  my  head  noways,  and  said  I'd  go  and  see  my  wife  first  be- 
fore I  put  my  name  on  the  book.  I  went  back  where  she  was  and 
told  her  how  that  it  would  be  convenient  for  them  to  keep  us,  but 
that  they  wanted  me  to  sign  a  big  book,  and  I  thought  best  to  ask 
her  opinion  before  signing. 

She  said  she  would  go  with  me  and  see  what  it  was.  So  she 
went  with  me  back  to  the  counter  in  the  office,  and  looked  at  the 
book.  Then  the  smart  looking  young  man,  with  a  warm  hearted 
smile,  explained  to  Clarissa  the  object  of  our  signing  the  book,  and 
she  said  she  guessed  'twas  all  right.  So  I  wrote  our  names  down, 
"  Benjamin  Morgan  and  Clarissa,  Morganville,  N.  Y."  The  young 
man  read  the  names  over  and  said,  "  Mr.  Morgan,  this  is  your  wife, 
I  suppose  ?"  "  You  supposed  right,  the  first  time,''  said  I,  "  I  don't 
intend  to  go  around  the  country  with  anybody  else's  wife,  so  long 
as  I've  got  a  good  one  of  my  own."  He  smiled  and  put  down  some 
figures  behind  my  name,  rung  a  bell  on  the  counter,  got  a  key  out 
of  a  lot  of  boxes  and  handed  it  to  a  boy  and  said,  "Show  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Morgan  up  to  room  984." 

The  boy  started,  saying,  "  Right  this  way,  please,"  and  took  us 
right  back  to  where  Clarissa  was  sitting,  and  presently  a  little  house 
came  sliding  down  a  big  hole  in  the  wall,  a  door  slid  open,  and  a  lot 
of  folks  walked  out,  then  a  lot  walked  in,  and  the  boy  told  us  to  walk 
in,  which  we  did.  Then  the  little  door  was  slid  shut,  and  our  room 
begun  to  go  up.  We  passed  story  after  story,  and  I  was  a  little  un- 
easy, and  I  said  to  the  nigger  that  had  his  hand  on  a  rope,  "  When 
did  you  advertise  this  balloon  ascension  ?  I  hadn't  heard  a  word  of 
it  before.  We  was  lucky  to  be  here  in  time  to  go  up  in  it.  Where 
do  you  suppose  the  dumb  thing  will  land  ?  I  don't  care  much  where, 


190  SHAMS;    OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

only  I  aint  been  to  breakfast,  and  I  don't  want  to  have  to  walk  too 
far  before  I  get  something  to  eat.'' 

By  this  time  it  had  reached  the  ninth  floor,  and  the  nigger 
laughed,  and  saidthe  balloon  had  landed,  and  we  could  get  off.  The 
door  slid  open,  and  the  little  boy  with  our  things  in  his  hand  led  us 
down  a  long  hall  and  turned  to  the  left,  and  went  down  another 
long  hall  an  awful  ways,  then  turned  to  the  left  again,  and  went  half- 
way down  that  hall  and  took  us  into  a  large  room  on  the  right-hand 
side. 

Said  I,  "  Young  boy,  are  we  still  in  Chicago,  or  have  we  left 
the  city?" 

"Yes,  sir,"  said  he,  "you  are  still  in  Chicago,  and  still  in  the 
Palmer  House ;  you  have  not  left  the  Palmer  House  since  you  first 
entered  it." 

"  Said  I,  "  Young  boy,  I  don't  want  to  be  imposed  upon  ;  I  don't 
want  you  to  lie  to  me  ;  I  can't  believe  that  we  are  in  the  same  tavern 
we  first  came  into." 

The  boy  pointed  to  a  card  that  was  tacked  on  the  door,  and 
said,  "  Read  that,  if  you  think  I  am  lying." 

We  read  it.  It  said,  "  Rules  and  Regulations  of  the  Palmer 
House."  I  was  satisfied  the  boy  was  truthful,  and  he  was  about  to 
leave,  when  I  asked  him  how  we  could  find  our  way  out  to  the  office, 
and  where  the  dining-room  was,  and  when  breakfast  would  be 
ready  ? 

He  told  us  breakfast  was  on  now,  and  we  could  eat  any  time 
we  wanted  to.  He  showed  us  a  little  white  button  in  the  wall  near 
the  door,  and  told  us  when  we  was  ready  for  breakfast  to  press  on 
that  little  button,  and  a  waiter  would  come  to  show  us  wherever 
we  wanted  to  go,  and  we  shut  the  door  and  looked  around  the  room. 
It  was  awful  nice,  but  when  we  looked  out  of  the  window  all  we 
could  see  was  the  roofs  of  houses,  and  high,  smoking  chimneys  ;  as 
lar  as  we  could  see,  it  was  chimneys,  roofs,  and  steeples. 

I  set  down  while  Clarissa  done  up  her  hair  and  changed  her 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  191 

dress.  I  was  blue  as  indigo.  Clarissa  could  see  by  my  dejected 
looks  that  I  was  feeling  dreadful,  and  that  unless  I  had  a  change  in 
spirits  my  two  feet  would  soon  be  meandering  toward  the  grave- 
yard. I  have  no  doubt  that  my  melancholical  countenance  aroused 
her  pity,  for  she  came  and  threw  both  her  white  arms  around  my 
neck,  pushed  my  face  up  with  her  hands,  and  planted  two  lovely 
kisses  right  on  my  dry  and  withering  lips,  and  she  spoke  in  a  most 
cunning  and  loving  manner,  and  said,  "  Benjamin,  don't  feel  so  bad 
any  longer;  we'll  go  right  on  and  finish  our  trip  according  to  our 
original  calculations,  and  will  have  a  good  time." 

"  Yes,"  said  I,  "  that's  well  enough  to  talk,  but  where  is  the 
money  coming  from  to  do  it  ?  " 

Sa}'s  she,  "  I've  got  $1,150' right  there  in  that  book  (hand- 
ing to  me  my  new  long  pocketbook,  with  the  contents  in  it  just  as 
I  had  fixed  it  at  Buzzbee's  house),  and  here,  rolled  up  in  this  paper, 
is  229  dollars  and  seventy-eight  cents,  and  our  tickets  and  drawback 
checks,  the  paper  of  needles,  and  all  the  other  papers  you  had  in 
your  old  pocketbook — every  penny  is  saved." 

I  was  completely  dumbfounded.  I  jumped  up  and  hugged  her 
and  kissed  her  forty  times  or  less,  then  I  wanted  to  know  how  it 
was. 

"  Well,"  says  she,  "  I  was  well  satisfied  that  them  fellows  was 
scoundrels  and  was  bent  on  getting  your  money  away  from  you.  I 
wanted  you  to  learn  a  lesson,  and  was  satisfied  you  had  as  good  an 
opportunity  to  learn  it  then  as  you  would  ever  have.  I  watched 
every  move  they  and  you  made,  and  when  you  drew  out  your  new 
long  pocketbook  I  knew  it  had  gone  far  enough.  I  then  interfered 
and  got  you  away  from  them.  I  got  your  coat  to  mend  so  I  could 
slip  out  the  new  long  pocketbook  and  take  care  of  it.  I  got  your 
other  pocketbook  to  get  the  needles,  and  while  you  was  in  the  wash 
room  I  took  all  the  contents  out  of  it,  rolled  them  up  in  this  paper, 
took  some  old  newspaper  and  stuffed  the  pocketbook  as  full  as  usual 
and  when  you  come  in  from  the  wash  room  I  handed  you  the  pock- 


192 


SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE  BENS 


etbook,  which  you  put  into  your  pocket,  and  of  which  you  was 
robbed  last  night  by  those  rascals.  I  hope  the  lesson  is  one  you  wont 
forget,  and  you  will  be  more  careful  in  the  future  who  you  get  ac- 
quainted with,  and  who  you  trust." 

I  hugged  and  kissed  her  again,  and  said  :  "  Clarissa,  you  dear 
old  soul,  you  have  always  proved  yourself  to  be  my  garden  angel, 
and  this  is  the  strongest  proof  I  have  ever  had  of  it.  I  know  you 
are  garden  and  garden  and  garden  me  continually,  and  no  one  on 
earth  or  in  heaven  ever  had  a  more  gardener  angel  than  you  have 


PALMER   HOUSE. 


proved  to  be.  And  now,  Clarissa,  I  have  to  confess  my  complete 
inability  to  take  care  of  money.  1  confessed  it  to  you  after  I  got 
swindled  in  the  hog  business,  and  now  I  confess  it  again,  and  ask 
as  a  favor  that  you  please  take  all  the  money  and  take  care  of  it. 
Just  give  me  each  morning  what  amount  you  think  I  ought  to  have, 
and  keep  me  from  being  swindled  and  robbed." 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  193 

She  said  she  would,  and  she  counted  out  $8  and  said  I  had 
better  take  that  much  as  I  would  probably  need  considerable  in  go- 
ing round  the  city. 

My  countenance  underwent  a  change  from  indigo  blue  to  the 
hottest  kind  of  red  in  less  than  five  minutes.  I  could  have  danced 
a  hornpipe  if  I'd  a  knowed  how,  and  had  Lank  Stevens  to  fiddle 
and  call  off  for  me.  Our  joy  having  become  permanently  estab- 
lished over  our  sorrow,  and  our  toilet  being  completed,  I  pushed 
the  button,  and  presently  a  waiter  boy  come  and  I  asked  him  to 
show  us  to  our  breakfast  room.  He  done  so,  bidding  us  to  lock  our 
room  and  take  the  key  to  the  office  if  we  went  out,  so  it  wouldn't 
get  lost. 

We  went  back  the  same  way  we  come  until  we  got  to  what  I 
thought  was  a  balloon,  but  which  they  told  me  was  an  elevator.  We 
stepped  inside  the  ele  and  slid  down  just  as  nice  as  butter  in  August 
till  we  got  to  the  parlor  floor,  when  the  waiter  led  the  way  and  we 
followed  around  through  a  magnificent  hall,  the  floors  of  which  was 
covered  with  thick  velvet,  the  walls  most  beautifully  painted  in  ar- 
tistic designs,  solid  marble  panel  work  on  the  sides,  elegant  massive 
fireplaces,  and  the  largest  looking  glasses  I  ever  saw,  and  on  the  side 
of  the  hall  opened  a  number  of  elegant  parlors,  of  which  we  only 
caught  glimpses  while  on  our  way  to  the  dining  hall.  We  were  now 
ushered  into  the  dining  hall  by  a  portly  and  fine  specimen  of  the 
African  race.  He  was  dressed  in  the  very  height  of  fashion ;  white 
vest  and  claw-hammer  broadcloth  coat,  white  gloves.  He  was  very 
polite,  and  gave  us  choice  seats  at  the  head  of  a  great  square  table. 
Presently  another  gentleman  from  Africa,  with  Methodist  minis- 
ter's clothes  on,  handed  us  a  bill  of  fare.  I  was  so  busy  looking  at 
that  room,  the  wonderful  paintings  overhead,  and  the  great  marble 
floor,  and  tremendous  big  looking  glasses,  that  I  didn't  pay  any  at- 
tention to  the  bill  of  fare  until  the  waiter  whispered  in  my  ear : 

"  Say,  Clover,  what  are  hogs  worth  ?" 

Says  I,  "I  sold' mine  to  Jim  Teeters  for  35^   cents,  but  the 


194  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

dumb  scamp  cheated  me,  for  they  are  worth  4  cents.  But  my 
name  aint  Clover.  You're  wrong.  My  name  is  Benjamin  Morgan, 
from  Morganville,  Blank  County,  New  York.  How  the  deuce  did 
you  know  I  was  a  farmer  ?" 

The  nigger  laughed,  and  said,  "  By  your  honest  countenance. 
But  hadn't  you  better  order  your  breakfast?" 

"  Excuse  me,"  said  I.  "  Yes,  just  bring  me  a  good  hot  break- 
fast— anything  you  have  a  mind  to,  only  have  enough  of  it." 

He  left  and  I  showed  Clarissa  all  the  pretty  pictures  and  things 
I  saw,  pointing  out  with  my  fork  the  most  interesting  points  I  dis- 
covered. The  waiter  returned  in  about  half  an  hour  with  our  break- 
fast, and  my,  it  was  good  enough  for  a  Vanderbilt  or  the  Queen  of 
England  to  set  down  to.  Such  a  beefsteak  I  never  tasted  before. 

I  asked  him  if  Mrs.  Palmer  done  the  cooking  in  that  house  ? 
He  said,  "  No."  "  Well,"  said  I,  "  I  didn't  ask  to  be  impudent,  but 
whoever  cooked  this  breakfast  is  a  dumb  fine  cook,  and  could  get 
two  dollars  a  week  any  minute  in  our  parts.  I'd  give  her  that  my- 
self and  send  Mary  off  to  school." 

The  nigger  grinned  all  over,  and  said  he'd  tell  the  cook,  and  per- 
haps he'd  like  to  get  a  place  with  me,  and  went  out  a  laughing. 

After  breakfast  we  looked  through  the  house  some  and  went 
down  to  the  office  and  inquired  of  the  young  man  behind  the  counter 
where  Clarissa's  friends  lived.  She  gave  him  the  following  names : 
<(  Carter  Harrison,  I  used  to  go  to  school  with  him,  and  we  used  to 
have  pretty  good  times,  but  he  used  to  be  dreadful  big  feeling ;  and 
Mr.  Van  Pelt,  Mr.  N.  G.  Rosster,  Mr.  A.  W.  Kinney,  Dr.  Butler, 
Mr.  G.  H.  Olliver,  Mr.  Mucklevain,  Miss  Eudora  Slick  and  Mr.  Will 
Worthington." 

"  I  can  tell  you  where  some  of  these  live,  and  some  I  can't," 
said  the  smiling  young  man.  "Mr.  Carter  Harrison  has  an  office  in 
the  Court  House,  or  rather  the  City  Hall,  but  you'll  be  more  apt  to 
find  him  around  on  Clark  Street.  You  step  into  Mike  McDonald's 
and  he  can  tell  you  where  you  can  find  him  in  case  you  don't  see 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  195 

him  in  the  City  Hall.  He  and  Mike  and  the  Hankin  Bros,  are  real 
good  friends,  and  they  generally  know  where  each  other  are  most 
of  the  time.  Mr.  Van  Pelt,  (let's  see — George,  do  you  know  who 
Mr.  Van  Pelt  is  ?"  said  he,  addressing  another  clerk. 

"  Yes,  he  is  one  of  the  County  Commissioners,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Oh,  yes,  I  know  now,  he  is  the  fellow  that  has  been  connected 
with  a  good  many  fat  jobs,  and  things  in  connection  with  county 
and  city  affairs.  Well,  Mrs.  Morgan,  it  will  be  very  difficult  to  find 
him,  as  the  papers  say  he  moves  about  considerable,  and  manages 
during  the  year  to  live  in  every  ward  in  the  city.  I  don't  know 
whether  this  is  true  or  not,  as  the  papers  tell  a  good  many  funny 
things  about  him  and  Carter,  and  Mike  McD.,  and  Joe  Mackin, 
and  Gallagher  and  all  those  old  chums.  I  don't  pretend  to  believe 
one-quarter  I  read  in  the  daily  papers.  They  print  a  lot  of  stuff 
one  day  so  as  to  have  material  to  correct  in  the  next  issue,  and 
that  enables  them  to  fill  up  their  columns  at  half  expense.  Mr.  N.  G. 
Rosster  is  one  of  Chicago's  most  successful  Board  of  Trade  opera- 
tors, and  one  of  the  wealthiest  men  in  this  city.  He  used  to  be  a 
cattle  dealer  in  a  little  town  out  West,  but  he  made  a  very  rapid 
march  on  to  fortune.  He  has  just  completed  one  of  the  finest  resi- 
dences in  this  city.  I  think  it  is  down  on  Indiana  Avenue.  Mr. 
A.  W.  Kinney ;  oh,  yes,  I  know  him  well.  He  is  one  of  the  best 
artists  in  Chicago,  and  a  royal  good  fellow  ;  he  has  a  nice  studio  in 
the  Lakeside  building,  right  over  here  on  Clark  Street.  Dr.  Butler 
is  operating  the  Chicago  Sanitarium,  a  private  hospital.  Mr.  G.  H. 
Olliver?  Yes,  I  know  him.  He  is  a  fine  fellow  ;  he  is  an  old  time 
missionary.  I  think  he  used  to  travel  among  the  heathen  in  the  far 
West.  He  is  now  in  the  wholesale  wall  paper  business  down  on 
Wabash  Avenue.  He  is  very  agreeable  and  wide  awake,  a  regular 
Chicago  man.  He  lives  somewhere  on  the  North  Side,  I  don't  just 
remember  where,  but  you  take  this  City  Directory  and  you  will  find 
just  where  any  and  everybody  lives  in  the  city,  and  where  they  can 
be  found." 


196  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

Clarissa  took  a  card  and  she  put  down  the  names  of  all  those 
she  wanted  to  see,  and  then  we  found  what  street  and  number  they 
lived  in.  Then  we  thought  we'd  take  a  walk  a  little  while,  and 
started  out ;  we  went  out  the  front  door  of  the  hotel  and  we  was  on 
State  Street.  My,  my,  what  a  sight !  I  never  saw  such  buildings  in 
my  life  before,  and  such  a  wide  street,  and  sidewalks  that  was  dumb 
nigh  as  wide  as  a  whole  street  in  Syracuse.  "  Why,"  says  I,  "  Clar- 
issa, Syracuse  haint  no  more  to  be  compared  with  this  city  than  our 
village  is  with  Syracuse." 

I  got  out  on  the  corner  of  State  and  Monroe  streets  and  thought 
I'd  look  up  to  the  top  of  Mr.  Palmer's  tavern,  and  while  I  was  try- 
ing to  count  the  windows  up  next  to  the  roof,  some  dumb  scamp 
run  right  into  me  and  knocked  me  clean  off  my  pins ;  and  when  I 
was  down  and  looking  to  see  how  I  came  there,  a  ragged  little  vil- 
lain with  papers  hollered,  "  Clover,  ah  there,  stay  there !"  but  I 
didn't  stay  there  worth  a  cent ;  I  was  on  my  feet  in  less'n  a  minute, 
and  making  for  that  little  villain  my  best  licks. 

Says  I,  "  You  little  rascal,  you  are  the  same  fellow  that  give  me 
that  counterfeit  money  in  Buffalo.  How  in  thunder  did  you  get  here 
so  quick  ?" 

He  hollered  at  me,  "  Say,  Old  Clover,  come  off  from  the  load," 
and  I  turned  round  and  I'll  be  darned  if  there  wasn't  fifteen  or  twenty 
more  just  such  looking  little  villains,  all  staring  at  me,  some  holler- 
ing, "  Mister,  have  a  shine  ?  Shine  for  a  nickel,  Mister."  "  Morning 
Tribune,  Times  and  Herald!  Have  a  paper,  Sir?"  I  was  perfectly 
bewildered.  They  all  pitched  right  at  me,  and  there  was  hundreds 
of  other  folks  on  the  street,  and  they  didn't  bother  them. 

I  got  back  to  the  corner  where  I  had  left  Clarissa,  and  took  her 
arm  and  said,  "  Let's  go  down  this  way,"  pointing  north,  though  I 
didn't  know  it  was  north  at  that  time.  We  walked,  but  didn't  go 
very  fast,  for  when  we  wasn't  stopping  to  look  into  store  windows, 
there  was  such  a  crowd  on  the  streets  they  kept  knocking  us  one 
way  and  another.  We  walked  about  two  blocks  when  we  saw  some 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


I97 


rars  moving  right  down  the  middle  of  the  streets,  and  not  a  thing 
to  make  'em  move — no  horses,  no  engine — and  nobody  pushing  'em. 
That  beat  anything  I  ever  saw. 

I  saw  one  of  them  things  dressed  in  uniformity.  I  went  up  to 
him  and  says,  "  Can  you  tell  me  what  makes  them  cars  go?"  He 
looked  at  me  a  minute  as  though  he  thought  I  was  a  fool,  and  said, 
"  A  cable,  they  are  called  cable  cars ;  there  is  a  wire  rope  running 
under  ground  that  is  constantly  in  motion,  and  these  cars  attach 


"I   SAW   ONE   OF   THEM   THINGS    DRESSED    IN   UNIFORMITY. 

themselves  to  that  cable  by  means  of  a  grip,  that  is  operated  by  that 
man  in  the  front ;  that  is  called  the  grip  car." 

Says  I,  "  How  far  does  them  cars  go?"  He  said,  "  About  six 
miles."  I  asked  how  much  it  cost  to  ride  ?  He  said,  "  Five  cents 
each  way."  Says  I,  "  Clarissa,  let's  take  a  ride  on  'em,  we  can  get  a 
.dumb  big  ride  and  see  lots  of  the  city  for  five  cents  apiece."  She 


198  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

thought  as  I  did,  so  we  got  onto  the  grip  car  and  took  a  front  seat, 
so  we  could  have  a  clean  look  at  everything.  We  went  as  far  as  the 
cars  went  and  come  back  with  'em.  Well,  it  was  the  most  interest- 
ing ride  I  ever  had  ;  it  was  city,  city,  city  on  both  sides  of  us,  in 
front  and  behind  us,  and  as  far  as  we  could  see  it  was  city  except 
when  we  got  down  where  the  great  Stephen  Douglas  lay  pinned 
into  the  ground  with  a  tremendous  shaft  of  marble  surmounted  by 
a  bronze  statue  of  himself.  There  we  could  see  considerable  of 
Lake  Michigan. 

We  passed  thousands  of  monstrous  great  stone  houses,  some 
with  gray,  some  with  brown,  some  with  red  stone  fronts,  and  some 
brick.  We  passed  a  great  fine  stone  building,  with  towers  and 
turrets,  standing  in  a  yard  by  itself,  up  near  the  resting  place  of 
Douglas.  They  told  us  it  was  "  The  Chicago  University."  Far- 
ther down  on  Cottage  Grove  Avenue,  we  passed  a  peculiar  building, 
and  asked  the  conductor  what  it  was.  "  Well,  Sir,"  said  he,  "  it 
isn't  generally  known  what  that  is,  but  people  who  live  down  this 
way  and  who  pass  it  every  day  of  their  lives  say  it  is  a  manufacturing 
establishment  where  they  make  little  pill  doctors.  They  call  it 
1  Hahnemann  College.'  They  do  quite  an  extensive  business  in  the 
city,  and  I  understand  they  have  a  number  of  orders  from  country 
towns  for  their  doctors,  and  they  manage  to  supply  all  their  de- 
mands." I  told  him  I  never  heard  of  it  before.  "  Did  you  Clarissa  ?" 
I  asked. 

He  said,  "  You  don't  keep  posted,  I'm  afraid." 
"  Well,  yes,"  Clarissa  answered,  "  I  heard  a  woman  in  Syracuse 
saying  she  had  a  son  they  had  been  trying  to  educate  for  business, 
so  he  could  help  his  father  in  the  store,  but  the  boy  was  so  frail  and 
tender  the  teacher  said  there  wasn't  any  use  of  trying  him  any 
longer.  His  health  was  too  poor  to  put  him  at  hard  work,  and  being 
discouraged  in  trying  to  fit  him  for  business  they  thought  of  one 
place  he  might  be  fitted  for,  and  that  was  a  little  pill  doctor.  And  so 
they  sent  him  to  this  college.  He  is  here  now,  and  they  say  he  is- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  199 

doing  fine,  and  expects  to  graduate  this  coming  winter."  And 
Clarissa  terminated  her  remarks  by  saying,  "  That  everything  is 
designed  to  fill  a  proper  place,  and  I  suppose  this  institution  sends 
out  the  necessary  things  to  fill  long  felt  vacancies." 

We  had  made  a  turn  onto  a  business  street  they  called  Twenty, 
second,  and  in  a  short  distance  turned  again  to  the  right,  onto  what 
they  called  Wabash  Avenue.  "  That  large  house  is  the  Jewish  Syn- 


"  WE  TOOK   A   BIG   RIDE  FOR   FIVE   CENTS   APIECE." 

agogue ;"  a  little  further  down  we  passed  a  large,  square,  lonesome 
looking  building  with  a  sign  board  circling  over  the  front  door, 
saying,  "  Home  of  the  Friendless."  I  thought  to  myself  that  if  ever 
there  was  a  Christian  act  done  by  any  one  in  this  world,  it  was  done 
by  the  persons  who  got  up  this  institution,  and  who  carry  it  on. 
Clarissa  said  she  intended  to  visit  that  place  before  she  left  the  city, 
as  she  had  read  a  great  deal  about  it.  She  said  it  was  conducted 
and  maintained  entirely  by  free  contributions. 


2OO  SHAMS  J   OR,   UNCLE   BEN  S 

Says  she,  "  Just  think  of  it,  a  place  where  a  poor,  moneyless, 
friendless  woman  or  girl  can  go  and  be  cared  for,  nursed  and  doc- 
tored in  sickness  and  supported  in  health  until  such  time  as  they 
can  find  self-support.  I  tell  you,  Benjamin,  that  if  ever  the  hand  of 
Providence  was  reached  out  to  anybody,  it  certainly  is  reached  out 
to  poor  friendless  mortals  in  this  city  by  the  maintaining  of  that 
institution,  and  it's  the  duty  of  every  one  that  can  spare  a  little  to 
send  it  to  that  institution;  and  I'm  going  to  give 'em  ten  dollars 
before  I  leave." 

"  Well,"  said  I,  "  you  have  struck  my  sentiments  exactly,  and 
to-morrow  morning,  when  you  count  out  what  money  you  are  going 
to  allow  me,  just  add  ten  dollars  more  to  it,  and  I'll  give  'em  as 
much  as  you  do,  I'll  be  blamed  if  I  don't." 

For  I  believe  that  all  we  can  do  in  this  world  that  is  really 
and  truly  Christ-like,  is  to  heal  the  sick,  raise  the  fallen,  care  for  the 
wounded  both  in  flesh  and  spirit,  wipe  away  the  orphan's  tears,  as- 
suage the  widow's  grief,  and  in  all  the  little  things  of  everyday  life 
do  just  as  we  would  be  done  by.  Some  folks  tell  us  that  all  this 
may  be  done,  and  still  if  we  have  not  faith  in  certain  creeds  and  dog- 
mas, we  are  the  children  of  the  evil  one  and  heirs  to  perdition. 
Well,  all  I  have  to  say  is,  that  if  the  fruit  does  not  give  evidence  of  a 
right  spirit,  then  let  the  cant  religionists  apply  their  brand,  and  burn 
it  in  as  deep  as  they  please. 

I  find  I  am  philosophizing,  which  aint  my  intention,  so  I'll  re- 
sume about  our  car  ride.  We  had  now  got  down  to  the  Panorama 
of  the  Battle  of  Gettysburg.  Clarissa  said,  "Benjamin,  I  have 
read  so  much  about  that  panorama,  I  do  want  to  stop  and  see  it." 
So  we  asked  the  conductor  if  he  had  any  objections  to  our  getting 
off  there.  He  gave  his  consent,  and  we  went  into  .the  Battle  of 
Gettysburg.  My!  my!  I'll  never  forget  it  as  long  as  I  live. 
How  we  got  up  on  that  hill,  right  in  the  thickest  part  of  the 
fighting,  I  don't  know,  and  I'll  be  dumbed  if  I  can  tell.  We  went 
up  some  dark,  winding  stairs,  and  all  of  a  sudden  we  was  right  on 


BATTLE  OF   GETTYSBURG. 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  203 

top  of  a  hill  in  bright  daylight.  The  smoke  of  the  battle  seemed  to 
curl  up  in  our  faces,  and  it  seemed  as  though  we  could  hear  the 
moaning  and  groaning  of  the  dying  brave  boys.  And  while  Gen- 
eral Hancock  on  his  black  horse  seemed  to  be  in  a  commanding  po- 
sition, I  held  my  breath  for  five  minutes  in  suspense,  expecting  just 
as  much  as  could  be  that  he  would  be  the  next  to  fall.  Everything 
about  it  seemed  so  real,  that  we  seemed  to  be  fastened  to  the  place. 
I  never  saw  a  battle,  but  I  know  that  when  we  left  that  place  I  was 
as  faint  and  nervous  as  if  I  had  been  fighting  there.  I  don't  want  to 
ever  be  any  nearer  a  battle  than  that.  I  tell  you,  I  don't  want  to 
be  shot  all  to  pieces,  and  carried  off  behind  an  old  straw  stack  or 
cow  stable,  and  be  sewed  and  glued  together,  even  if  every  hair  of 
my  head,  including  my  scatterin'  whiskers,  had  a  flag  of  glory  fly- 
in*  from  the  tips  of  them.  Glory  is  a  fine  thing,  but  it  don't  re- 
store life  nor  make  new  legs,  and  arms  and  eyes,  nor  mend  shattered 
constitutions,  nor  give  that  vigor  that  long  service  in  the  army  has 
taken  from  you,  nor  bring  back  again  all  the  well  laid  plans  for  a 
future  that  have  been  destroyed  and  forever  banished  from  you.  It 
is  all  well  enough  for  ambitious  or  tricky  politicians  and  avaricious, 
money-making  schemers  to  get  the  country  into  trouble,  and  pre- 
cipitate a  war,  using  any  cause  but  the  right  one  as  a  pretext,  and 
then  call  upon  the  men  of  strength  and  vigor,  in  the  country,  to 
come  out  and  fight,  and  prate  about  the  glory  there  is  in  store  for 
the  heroes  that  will  venture  their  lives  and  health  to  restore  order 
and  peace  again,  but  you  can  just  please  excuse  uncle  Ben  Morgan 
from  taking  a  piece  of  glory  off  of  that  plate.  I  tell  you,  that  all 
the  flowers  strewn  upon  the  graves  of  our  fallen  dead,  all  the  songs 
of  praise  to  their  noble  deeds,  and  all  the  pretty  things  said  about 
them  is  no  more  of  a  recompense  to  them  for  what  they  have  suf- 
fered, and  for  the  thousands  that  have  had  home  and  competence 
swept  from  them  by  the  loss  of  their  dear  ones,  than  a  handsomely 
executed  and  finely  engraved  certificate  of  membership  to  a  defunct 
insurance  company  is  to  the  victim  who  has  dropped  his  thousands 


204  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

into  its  lap.  I  don't  mean  to  be  unpatriotic,  nor  do  I,  in  any  sense, 
fail  to  appreciate  the  benefits  I  receive  from  our  country,  but  I  had 
rather  have  my  whole  body,  and  my  family,  than  to  have  a  whole 
world  full  of  glory,  and  not  the  former. 

Talk  about  recompense !  If  Uncle  Sam  would  give  to  every 
single  survivor  of  the  late  war,  and  to  the  families  of  every  man 
that  was  killed,  a  home  complete,  worth  not  less  than  five  thousand 
dollars,  it  wouldn't  be  any  more  than  a  just  recompense.  Clarissa 
asked  me  how  Uncle  Sam  could  do  it.  I  told  her  that  was  easy 
enough.  Just  let  these  congressmen  and  senators  that  prate  and 
blow  so  much  about  patriotism  and  glory,  just  before  election,  go 
down  to  Washington,  and  for  ten  straight  years  do  their  best  to  make 
good,  wholesome  laws,  and  economize  in  all  the  expenses,  and  just 
take  one-half  off  from  their  salaries  and  put  it  into  a  fund  for  the 
purpose  I  have  mentioned,  and  without  another  dollar,  every  Union 
soldier  living,  and  every  dead  soldier's  widow  or  family  would  have 
a  home,  paid  for  out  of  that  fund,  worth  not  less  than  $5,000,  and 
our  congressmen  and  senators  would  be  covered  all  over  with  glory, 
and  future  history  would  hold  'em  up  as  specimens  of  humanity  that 
the  world  never  knew  before,  and  in  all  probability  never  would 
again. 

If  our  Congress  and  Senate  was  to  be  governed  by  a  law  that 
compelled  such  a  state  of  things,  for  the  next  ten  years,  I'll  bet  ev- 
ery dollar  that  my  wife  counts  out  for  me  to-morrow,  that  you 
couldn't  possibly  make  up  a  Congress  and  Senate,  and  find  a  present 
member  in  the  lot. 

Here,  I  am  wandering  off  on  some  philosophical  speculation. 
Seeing  that  Battle  of  Gettysburg  set  me  to  thinking,  and  just  like 
a  good  many  others,  I've  been  thinking  out  loud. 

Well,  after  we  came  out  of  the  battle,  safe  and  sound  and  not 
a  scratch  on  either  one  of  us,  we  saw  another  train  of  cable  cars 
coming  along,  and  stopped  them  and  got  aboard,  and  away  we 
went,  spinning  along  down  Wabash  Avenue.  It  was  a  fine  sight. 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES.  2O$ 

Away  down,  as  far  as  you  could  see,  was  two  rows  of  mammoth 
structures,  seeming  to  come  together  in  a  great  distance  beyond  us, 
vehicles  of  every  description  passing  to  and  fro  in  constant  motion, 
and  crowds  on  the  sidewalk  moving,  some  slowly,  but  most  of  them 
at  a  break-neck  speed,  backward  and  forward.  It  was  so  different 
from  what  it  was  on  the  old  farm  or  even  down  to  the  village,  that 
I  got  all  fuzzed  up.  I  was  just  bewildered  with  excitement.  Pres- 
ently we  took  a  turn  up  on  to  State  Street,  and  I  told  the  conduc- 
tor I'd  give  him  an  extra  nickel  if  he'd  stop  at  the  Palmer  House 
and  let  us  off.  He  said  he  woulu,  and  in  a  few  minutes  he  stopped 
his  train  and  called  out  "  Palmer  House  !"  Sure  enough,  we  was 
there.  I  knew  the  place  by  two  great  big  marble  women  (I  sup- 
posed they  was  marble)  sitting  up  over  the  big  front  door.  We 
went  into  the  office ;  it  was  one  o'clock  P.  M.  I  asked  the  clerk  if 
we  was  too  late  for  dinner.  He  told  me  we  was  just  in  time  ;  that 
meals  was  served  in  that  house  nearly  every  hour  from  seven  o'clock 
in  the  morning  until  twelve  o'clock  at  night.  So  we  went  up  to  our 
room.  We  got  so  we  could  find  the  elevator,  and  after  we  was 
landed  on  our  floor,  we  could  find  our  room. 


206 


SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE  BENS 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

'E  had  a  splendid  dinner.  I  used  to  think  Clarissa  could  beat 
the  world  getting  up  fine  dinners,  but  she  can't  hold  a  torch- 
light to  such  a  dinner  as  we  had.  I  was  surprised  ;  honestly, 
we  was  an  hour  and  a  quarter  to  dinner,  and  was  busy.  I  thought  I'd 
try  the  bill  of  fare,  and  I  started  in  with  the  whole  bill,  but  I  don't  think 


"WHILE  i  WAS  RESTING  CLARISSA  WAS  READING  TO  ME." 

I  got  more'n  half  there  was  on  that  bill  before  I  was  as  full  as  I  could 
get,  and  I  hadn't  got  down  to  pie  and  icecream,  figs,  raisins,  nuts, 
cake,  etc.  I  told  the  waiter  to  put  that  part  away  for  me,  where 
t'other  boarders  couldn't  get  it,  and  I'd  have  it  at  supper  time.  He 
smiled  and  said,  "  Yes,  Sah."  I  don't  think  I  ever  ate  so  much  in 
my  life  at  one  time.  The  sight  in  that  dining  room,  the  host  of 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  2O/ 

people  coming  in  and  going  out,  the  elegant  tables,  the  army  of 
African  waiters  that  march  in,  in  military  style,  the  beauty  of  that 
room,  and  the  grand  dinner,  was  worth  the  whole  expense  of  our 
trip  so  far. 

I  had  to  go  and  lay  down  an  hour  after  dinner,  and  while  I  was 
resting  Clarissa  was  reading  to  me.  She  was  reading  about  the 
anarchists  and  their  trial,  and  the  sentence  the  judge  give  'em,  and 
I  tell  you  I  think  the  judge  was  level-headed.  I  know  there  are 
some  weak-kneed,  sentimental,  gushing  kind  of  folks  in  the  world, 
that  say  that  a  man  shouldn't  be  hung  nor  imprisoned  for  speaking 
and  printing  what  he  wants  to,  for  this  is  a  free  country,  where  free 
speech  and  free  press  has  the  right  of  way.  Well,  I  want  to  ask 
those  people  if  a  man  should  have  a  right  to  carry  poison  around 
and  put  it  into  the  wells  and  cisterns  of  people,  and  thereby  scatter 
death  throughout  the  land,  because  this  is  a  free  country  ?  Now, 
the  anarchist  doctrine  that  has  been  preached,  and  printed,  and  her- 
alded all  over  this  land  from  ocean  to  ocean,  and  from  the  lakes  to 
the  guU,  is  as  rank  poison  to  our  laws  and  good  order,  as  strychnine 
is  to  water  and  food,  and  if  the  one  is  a  crime  the  other  is  equally 
criminal.  Strychnine  produces  death  ;  and  we  follow  out  the  intent 
of  the  criminal,  who  deliberately  gives  it  to  his  fellow  man  for 
that  purpose,  and  put  a  gallows  with  him  swinging  from  it,  at  the 
end  of  it.  We  follow  out  the  intent  of  these  law  and  order  poisoners, 
and  we  find  murder  of  the  foulest  kind  all  along  its  line,  premedi- 
tated murder,  and  we  ought  to  have  a  gallows  at  the  end  of  it. 
There  is  not  one  mite  of  sense  in  any  way,  shape  or  form,  in  all  this 
sentimental  sympathy  for  the  condemned  anarchists. 

I  said  to  Clarissa,  "  I'd  like  to  see  them  criminals."  She  said 
she  had  no  desire  to  see  'em,  but  she  would  like  to  see  the  judge 
and  the  men  that  composed  the  jury  before  whom  they  were  tried. 
I  shall  always  believe  that  Lawyer  Grinnell  and  that  judge  and  jury 
done  the  greatest  deed  for  the  benefit  of  Chicago,  the  State  of  Illi- 
nois and  the  whole  United  States,  that  has  been  done  since  the  close 


208 


SHAMS  ;   OR,   UNCLE  BEN  S 


of  the  war.  "  But,"  says  I,  "  Clarissa,  here  we  are  up  in  this  room 
talking  about  the  anarchists,  when  we  ought  to  be  out  around  the 
city  taking  in  the  sights."  She  fully  agreed  that  we  ought  to  be 
going  around  town,  and  she  put  on  her  things  and  we  went  around 
to  the  ele — and  took  a  ride  away  down  to  the  bottom  of  Mr. 
Palmer's  tavern,  and  then  walked  out  onto  Monroe  Street.  There 
was  a  brass  band  riding  through  the  street  on  a  big,  high  wagon, 
and  they  were  playing  wonderful  pretty  music,  and  there  was  a 
great  big  cloth  sign  pinned  onto  the  wagon,  saying :  "  Fat  Stock 
Show,  at  the  Exposition  Building." 

That  struck  me  as  just  the  place  I'd  like  to  go  to,  so  I  says  to 


"WE  WILL  JUST  FOLLOW  UP  THIS  BRASS  BAND." 

Clarissa,  "  Let's  go  to  that  fat  stock 
show.  I  have  read  considerable 
about  it,  and  I'd  like  to  go  and  see 
it."  "  All  right,"  says  she,  "  I  am  in  for  seeing  all  we  can  while  we 
are  here,  for  we  may  never  be  in  this  city  again." 

She  asked  me  where  it  was.  I  said  it  was  at  the  Exposition 
Building,  but  I  didn't  know  just  where  that  was;  but  said  I,  "We 
will  just  follow  up  this  brass  band,  and  we  will  get  there  when  they 
do."  So  we  followed  them.  We  was  on  one  street,  then  another, 
and  then  another,  and  so  on.  We  walked  and  we  walked.  I  be- 
lieve we  walked  for  three  hours  and  a  half.  Clarissa  was  just  tuck- 
ered out.  She  wasn't  used  to  walking  on  them  hard  stones,  and  I 
was  just  about  petered,  when  I  yelled  out  to  the  driver  on  the  band 


EXPERIEXCK    WITH   HYPOCRITES.  209 

wagon,  just  after  the  band  got  through  playing  a  tune,  and  asked 
him  how  much  further  it  was  to  that  fat  cattle  show.  He  said, 
"Klopher."  Says  I,  "  That  aint  my  name;  my  name  is  Benjamin 
Morgan,  from  Morganville,  Blank  County,  New  York."  "Veil,  den, 
Morgan,  you  vos  more  ash  two  miles  und  a  quawarter  from  doze  kat- 
tle."  "  Is  that  so  ?"  said  I,  "  what  time  do  you  expect  to  get  there  ?" 
"  Ve  dond  oxpect  to  vos  got  der  enny  leedle  vile  this  veek,"  he  said. 
'*  Ve  vos  hired  to  trive  a  leedle  ofer  all  the  city  to  advertise  dose 
show,"  he  replied. 

I  never  was  so  golldarned  mad  in  my  life,  to  think  that  Clarissa 
with  her  big  bunion,  and  I  with  two  big  corns  just  a-killing  me,  kad 
been  following  up  that  confounded  Dutch  brass  band  to  find  the 
show,  and  here  we  was,  way  down  on  a  street  where  we  didn't  know 
where  we  was.  I  saw  a  policeman  and  asked  him  where  we  was, 
and  how  far  we  was  from  Mr.  Palmer's  tavern.  He  told  us  we  was 
away  down  on  Biler  Avenue,  about  two  miles  from  the  hotel.  He 
very  kindly  showed  us  where  we  would  find  a  street  car  that  would 
take  us  right  down  near  the  hotel.  I  thanked  him,  and  Clarissa  and 
I  got  back  to  our  room  about  six  o'clock,  completely  prostrated  with 
fatigue.  I  think  that  was  one  of  the  biggest  shams  I  ever  had  pa- 
raded in  front  of  my  physiognomy.  After  we  got  rested  and  had 
a  good  supper,  I  went  down  to  the  office.  I  asked  the  clerk  (  'twas 
another  fellow  this  time,  more  stiffy  like  than  the  one  that  was 
there  in  the  morning.  He  had  a  great  big  glass  pin  on  his  shirt 
front,  and  a  sort  of  air  of  Boss-of-the-United  States,  onto  him)  how 
far  the  Exposition  building  was  from  here.  He  said  it  was  only 
two  blocks,  right  down  here  at  the  foot  of  Monroe  Street.  I  asked 
him  what  in  the  name  of  common  sense  they  let  them  dumb  brass 
bands  go  around  the  city  deceiving  folks  for.  He  said  he  never 
knew  they  deceived  anybody.  "  But,  "  said  I,  "  they  have  ;  they 
deceived  me  and  my  wife  to-day."  And  I  told  him  all  about 
the  tramp  we  had,  following  up  that  dumb  Dutch  brass  band  to  find 
the  show.  I  thought  he  would  die  a-laughing,  and  that  drew  a  big 


210  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 

crowd  of  fellows  around  us,  and  they  wanted  to  know  what  the  fun 
was,  and  the  clerk  up  and  told  'em  my  experience,  and  one  tall, 
lean,  cadaverous  looking  cuss,  with  a  hook  nose  and  a  pair  of  snap- 
ping black  eyes  and  one  eyeglass,  asked  the  clerk  for  an  introduc- 
tion to  me.  The  clerk  asked  me  the  number  of  my  room.  I  told 
him,  and  he  stepped  Behind  a  desk  and  looked  at  something ;  then 
stepped  right  back  and  said,  "  Mr.  Tellemall,  this  is  Mr.  Morgan." 

"  Yes,  sir,  Morgan  is  my  name ;  they  call  me  uncle  Ben  Mor- 
gan at  home.  I  am  a  farmer,  sir,  from  Morganville,  Blank  County, 
New  York." 

Said  he,  "  Uncle  Ben,  I  am  very  happy  to  know  you,  and  while 
you  remain  in  the  city,  shall  be  pleased  to  have  you  drop  into  my 
office  and  make  yourself  at  home.' ' 

'  "  Thankee,  sir  ;  thankee,"  said  I,  "  where  abouts  is  it  ?  " 

"  It  is  the  reporters'  room  in  the  Tribune  building,  corner  of 
Madison  and  Dearborn  streets.  I  belong  to  the  reportorial  staff." 

"  The  whatatorial  staff?  "  said  I. 

"  The  reportorial  staff." 

"  Well,  what  kind  of  a  staff  is  that  ?"  He  went  on  and  ex- 
plained what  his  duties  was.  "  Oh,  yes,"  said  I,  "  your  business  is 
to  stick  your  nose  in  everybody  else's  business,  and  run  and  tell 
the  paper  all  about  it  before  t'other  fellow  has  even  concluded  on 
his  business.  In  other  words,  you  are  a  regular  town  tattler,  are 
you  ?  " 

Well  he  said  he  guessed  that  come  pretty  close  to  it.  "  Well," 
said  I,  "  have  you  got  a  brass  band  running  through  the  streets,  ad- 
vertising where  your  office  is?  Because  if  you  have,  you  needn't 
look  for  me  to  call,  for  I  just  tell  you  I've  got  through  running  after 
them  dumb  shams.  Come  to  think  of  it,  Mr.  Tellemall,  there  are 
so  many  fellows  in  the  same  kind  of  business  in  a  city,  you  don't  have 
to  advertise,  do  you  ?  "  He  said,  "  No."  "  Well,"  said  I,  "  don't 
you  kind  o'  hate  that  business?  I  should  think  you  would.  Say— 
you'd  better  sell  out  and  come  down  to  York  State,  Blank  County, 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  211 

Morganville,  and  buy  a  farm,  or  go  down  to  the  village  and  buy  out 
Jim  Teeters'  grocery  and  join  the  Methodist  Church.  Come  to 
think  of  it,  you  haint  got  anything  in  your  business  to  sell,  have 
you  ;  that  is,  I  mean  you  haint  got  anything  but  other  folks'  secrets 
to  sell  ?  And  anybody  else  has  got  as  much  right  to  'em  as  you 
have,  so  you  couldn't  get  a  dumb-  cent  for  your  business,  unless  it 
was  for  your  chance  in  with  that  newspaper.  The  best  way  to  stand 
in  with  it,  is  to  be  able  to  tell  the  most  stuff  you  can,  true  or  false, 
before  some  other  paper  gets  it ;  haint  it  ?  " 

"  Well,"  said  he,  "I  thought  I'd  got  a  clover,  but  you  seem  to 
understand  my  position  pretty  thoroughly." 


I: 


THE.  TRIBUNE   REPORTER. 


"  Well,  you  have  got  a  regular  clover.  .  When  1  left  home  I  was 
in  full  blow,  fresh,  if  not  sweet,  but  on  the  train  between  Buffalo 
and  Cleveland,  some  fellows  saw  me  and  wanted  me  for  a  button- 
hole bouquet,  I  suppose,  and  they  picked  me,  and  in  Cleveland  they 
picked  my  pockets,  too.  After  I  have  been  picked  several  more 
times,  I'll  be  dried  clover,  I  expect,  a  little  too  dusty  to  chew.  I 


212  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 

can  just  tell  you  one  thing,  no  confounded  brass  band  will  ever  pick 
me  and  my  wife  up  again  as  a  walkin'  match." 

After  a  few  pleasant  words  in  regard  to  one  thing  and  another, 
and  a  request  that  I  call  on  the  Tribune  before  I  left  the  city,  he  bade 
me  good-night  and  stepped  out.  I  seemed  to  be  the  show,  somehow 
or  other.  I  couldn't  understand  it.  Here  was  a  big  crowd  gazing  at 
me.  Two-thirds  of  'em  had  keen  eyes,  curly  hair  and  hook  noses, 
and  talked  peculiar.  They  would  say  "  Goot  efening,  mein  frent," 
and  so  on.  I.  asked  the  clerk  what  show  troupe  them  fellows  be- 
longed to.  (They  was  dressed  up  like  dandies  and  had  stove-pipe 
hats  on.)  Before  the  clerk  had  time  to  answer  my  question,  a  sort 
of  rough  and  ready  Western  man  standing  beside  me,  said, — 

"  They  belonged  to  a  monstrous  large  troop  that  hailed  from 
Jerusalem.  Their  show  was  the  '  Abraham,  Solomon  &  Isaacs  Com- 
bination. They  play  a  large  variety  of  pieces.  Their  principal  plays 
was  '  Fritz,  The  Clothing  Merchant  of  Berlin/  '  Honest  Isaacs,  The 
Jeweler  of  Ni  Yark,'  '  My  Last  Cigar,  The  Happy  Dreamer,'  a 
shenuvine  long  leaf  Havana  filled,  Java  wrapper  und  binder,  effry 
vun  varranted,  made  by  imported  Cuban  workmen  of  our  own 
growth  on  Uncle  Moses  Oppenheimer's  plantation,  what  he  got  off 
his  brother  Jacob  who  failed  in  the  gent's  furnishing  goots  trade  in 
Philadelphia,  only  turty  dollars  a  thousant,  60  days'  time,  with 
plenty  more  time  on  more  goots,  with  '  plenty  goot  security.' " 

"  Uncle  Benjamin,"  said  the  stranger,  "  if  you  want  to  have  a 
good  sight  of  them  fellows  and  other  gentlemen,  you  just  go  up 
there  and  set  in  that  little  balcony,  where  you  can  have  a  splendid 
view  of  this  grand  office  and  lobby ;"  and  he  pointed  me  up  to  the 
balcony. 

I  thanked  him  for  his  kindness  and  went  to  the  ele — and  slid  up 
to  the  ninth  floor.  There  being  no  street  car  on  that  hall,  I  had  to 
walk  around  to  the  southern  suburbs  of  the  hotel,  where  I  found 
Clarissa  in  No.  984,  laying  on  the  bed  a  resting.  Says  I,  "Clarissa, 
if  you  have  got  rested,  I  want  you  to  go  with  me  down  the  elevator 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


213 


and  sit  in  the  balcony,  where  we  can  see  everything  going  on  in  the 
office  and  lobby  room,  and  it  will  pay  us  to  see  the  people."  She 
said  she  would  be  delighted  to  go ;  that  anything  of  that  kind 
would  please  her  a  great  deal  better  than  "  fat  cattle  shows,"  and 
as  for  brass  bands  she  never  wanted  to  hear  another  as  long  as  she 
lived. 

She  took  a  little  swallow  of  peppermint  and  water,  to  keep  the 
wind  down  in  her  stomach  and  scent  her  breath,  and  we  went  to  the 
ele — and  down  to  the  parlor  floor,  then  walked  down  those  wonder- 
ful, massive  marble  stairs  to  the  next  floor,  what  they  called  the 


"ABRAHAM,    SOLOMON   AND    ISAACS   COMBINATION." 

"  Entre  Sol."  I  believe  some  one  said  it  was  a  French  word  ;  and 
as  we  hadn't  got  our  nigger  waiter  from  the  dining  car  to  tell  us  the 
meaning  of  the  word,  and  Clarissa's  eyes  being  so  poor  she  couldn't 
make  it  out,  kind  reader  I'll  have  to  leave  it  to  you  to  find  out  what 
it  means.  At  any  rate,  we  was  where  the  balcony  was,  and  we  got 
two  easy  chairs,  drew  them  up  to  the  iron  rail  fence,  put  up  on  pur- 
pose to  keep  folks  from  falling  down,  and  seated  ourselves. 

We  set  there  until  ten  o'clock,  and  it  was  very  interesting  to 
us,  who  had  never  seen  anything  but  our  plain  simple  country  sights, 


214  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

and  had  known  comparatively  little  if  anything  of  the  world  at  large. 
To  us  everything  we  saw  was  as  new  as  to  a  new  born  babe. 

The  great  room  was  a  sight  to  us.  Its  elegant  ceilings  were 
supported  by  massive  columns,  and  beautifully  decorated  in  a  most 
pleasing  manner.  On  the  farther  walls  was  hanging  a  monstrous 
large  oil  painting,  and  several  pictures  of  large  buildings  that  was 
burned  in  the  great  fire.  A  great  massive  marble  stairway  was 
guarded  by  two  bronze  figures  who  held  up  lighted  lamps,  and  the 
whole  of  this  great  room  was  made  as  light  as  day  by  electric  .lights. 
There  was  a  crowd  of  men  surging  backward  and  forward  in  con- 
stant motion.  Some  leisurely  wandering  around  gaping  at  things 
and  folks  in  general ;  others  in  seeming  warm  discussion  on  some 
question ;  others  entertaining  a  crowd  of  a  half  a  dozen  by  some 
story,  no  doubt,  that  had  a  laugh  ending  to  it.  The  strange  inter- 
mingling of  faces  belonging  to  country  merchants,  cattle  buyers, 
commercial  drummers,  lawyers,  dignified  clergymen  (very  few  of 
the  latter),  reporters,  board  of  trade  men,  young  swell  head  dudes, 
with  polished  stove  pipe  hats,  canes  and  single  eye  glasses,  wise  and 
knowing  sheeneys  puffing  the  everlasting  cigar  and  moving  around 
with  an  expression  on  their  countenance  conveying  a  strong  desire 
to  own  the  whole  world,  produced  a  picture  of  wonderful  interest. 
Clarissa  said  she  could  enjoy  herself  every  day  for  a  month  sitting 
there  and  studying  human  nature,  if  she  had  time,  and  could  afford 
it.  It  was  ten  o'clock  and  we  concluded  we  would  retire,  which  we 
proceeded  to  do.  We  was  tired  enough  to  enjoy  a  good  resi.  and 
sleep. 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  215 


CHAPTER   XX. 

tFTER  breakfast,  Clarissa  fixed  herself  up  in  the  best  she  had 
with  her,  which  was  a  black  silk  dress  made  up  with  pieces  of 
-J  navy  blue  velvet  set  in  goring  all  around  in  different  places  on 
the  skirt,  and  a  goring  piece  on  the  outside  of  each  sleeve,  and  trimmed 
with  black  and  orange  colored  satin  ribbon  looped  up  into  double 
bows,  and  artistically  hung  on  around  in  different  places  where  it 
would  give  the  best  effect,  the  same  as  corner  pieces  on  a  ceiling  are 
put  in  the  proper  place  to  give  the  right  appearance,  or  an  air  of  rich- 
ness to  the  balance  of  the  decoration.  Her  bonnet  was  made  ot 
black  and  navy  blue  velvet  and  ornamented  with  a  feather  that  fell 
off  of  an  ostrich  that  died  in  the  purple  age  of  his  life,  and  a  cluster 
of  blue  forget-me-nots  and  honeysuckles.  The  milliner  down  to  the 
village  had  quite  an  argument  with  her  in  regard  to  putting  the 
flowers  on,  but  Clarissa  said  them  was  always  her  favorite  posies, 
and  she  didn't  care  what  the  milliner  thought,  she  was  going  to  have 
them  on  the  bonnet.  She  had  a  large  cape  made  of  the  finest  kind 
of  muskrat  skins,  and  when  she  had  got  all  dressed  up  and  put  on 
her  gold  bowed  specs,  she  looked  like  a  queen,  or  as  I  suppose  a 
queen  looks,  for  I  never  saw  one — and  I  was  real  proud  of  her.  I 
always  have  been  proud  of  her,  but  now  I  was  more  than  usually 
proud  oi  her,  as  she  was  not  only  smart  intellectually,  but  also  mon- 
eyly,  and  she  was  my  banker. 

I  said,  "  Clarissa,  why  do  you  spread  yourself  more  than  usual 
this  morning;  taint  Sunday  yet,  and  we  haint  going  to  church,  be 
we?"  "No;  but  I  thought,  Benjamin,  we  would  go  and  find  some 


2l6  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 

of  bur  friends  this  morning,  and  if  they  wanted  us  to  visit  them 
any  we  would  stop  paying  board  at  the  tavern,  as  it  was  quite  ex- 
pensive. But  I  don't  do  it  on  that  account  so  much  as  I  would  like 
to  see  some  of  them,  and  then  they  can  show  us  the  city  better 
than  we  can  see  it  alone." 

I  said,  "  Well,  I  think  that  is  a  sensible  idea  ;  but  where  do  you 
intend  to  go  first?"  "  I  thought  I'd  call  on  Mr.  Harrison  first.  I 
heard  yesterday  that  he  was  the  Mayor." 

"  Well,  if  he  is  any  dumb  hypocrite  like  that  mayor  is  in  Syra- 
cuse, I  don't  want  to  see  him." 

She  said  she  didn't  believe  he  was,  although  she  hadn't  seen 
him  since  he  was  a  young  man,  and  she  was  a  young  girl,  but  he 
was  a  real  likely  young  man,  and  everybody  thought  he  was  the 
soul  of  honor.  He  ought  to  be,  for  he  came  from  as  likely  parents 
as  ever  breathed  the  air  of  heaven.  The  only  thing  that  they  ever 
said  against  him  was  that  he  was  stuck  up.  That  may  possibly  be 
against  a  person  in  the  eyes  of  envious  people,  but  in  my  opinion 
(she  said)  "  I  think  it's  a  credit  mark  in  favor  of  a  young  man  or 
young  woman  to  have  self-respect  enough  to  be  above  low  and 
vulgar  thoughts  and  conversation,  and  low  and  vulgar  people.  Of 
course,  if  they  haven't  got  good  principles  and  good  brains  to 
maintain  their  self-respect,  but  just  assume  it  as  a  disguise  to  their 
real  characters,  then  I  despise  it;  but  Mr.  Harrison  never  assumed 
any  such  a  position,  it  was  perfectly  natural  for  him.  I'm  almost 
afraid  to  call  on  him  for  fear  he '  may  not  remember  me,  and  will 
not  care  to  renew  our  old  acquaintance,  but  he  can't  any  more  than 
refuse  to  know  me,  and  I  shan't  feel  hard  if  he  does." 

Clarissa  had  her  hand  on  the  door  knob  as  she  finished  her  re- 
marks, and  I  said  I  would  second  the  motion,  and  go  anywhere  she 
wanted  me  to,  but  I  reminded  her  that  she  hadn't  counted  out  any 
money  for  me  yet. 

"Oh,  yes;"  said  she,  "excuse  me,  Benjamin,  I  had  taken  it  out 
for  you  and  put  it  in  my  muff,  and  forgot  it ;  here  it  is,  five  dollars; 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  21  / 

•wont  that  be  enough  for  to-day,  in  case  we  go  a  visiting  ?"  I  told 
her  it  would  be  plenty,  and  we  started  out. 

Before  we  left  the  office  we  got  our  bearings  for  the  City  Hall, 
and  left  the  Palmer.  It  was  a  lovely  morning,  although  there  was 
a  sharp  wind  blowing  from  the  north,  and  although  we  couldn't  see 
any  brown  and  yellow  leaves  falling  in  fence  corners,  nor  cows  and 
calves  humping  up  their  backs  on  the  sunny  side  of  straw  stacks- 
scenes  that  are  familiar  to  us  at  this  season  of  the  year — we  could  see 
the  beautiful  clouds  of  smoke  roll  up  above  the  monstrous  buildings, 
and  giving  the  sun  the  appearance  of  a  ball  of  fire,  half  hid  by  some 
great  conflagration  ;  and  as  we  looked  down  Madison  Street  to  the 
west,  it  seemed  as  though  the  end  of  the  street  had  run  into  a  cloud 
of  smoke.  In  the  place  of  the  music  of  looing  cows  and  squealing 
pigs,  we  heard  the  never  ending  cry  of  .the  newsboy,  boot- 
blacks, street  fakirs  of  various  kinds,  the  jingling  bells  of  the  street 
cars,  and  the  roar  and  hum  of  a  thousand  and  more  vehicles  of  every 
description,  rattlin'  over  the  stony  streets.  There  was  so  much  to 
attract  our  attention  that  it  seemed  but  a  few  minutes  had  passed 
before  we  reached  the  City  Hall. 

A  policeman  showed  us  Mr.  Harrison's  office.  We  went  in ;  it 
was  a  fine  room,  all  carpeted  nice,  and  fixed  up  in  good  shape. 
Clarissa  asked  if  Mr.  Harrison  was  in,  and  a  real  smart  looking 
young  man  answered  that  he  was  in  his  private  office,  the  next  room, 
opening  out  of  this  one,  and  asked  if  she  would  like  to  see  him. 
She  told  him  that  she  wouldn't  have  asked  for  him  if  she  hadn't 
wanted  to  see  him. 

Said  he,  "  Shall  I  take  your  card  in  to  him  ?" 

Clarissa  told  him  he  should  not,  for  the  reason  that  she  hadn't 
got  any  printed  yet. 

He  asked  what  name  he  should  give  the  mayor. 

She  said :  "  Do  you  mean  what  my  name  is?" 

He  said,  "Yes." 

"  Will  you  tell  him  iUs  Mrs.  Benjamin  Morgan,  of  Morganville, 


2l8  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

Blank  County,  N.  Y.     She  that  was  Clarissa  Sunflower  Snodgrass 
before  she  was  married,  and  when  he  went  to  school." 

.  The  young  man  started  for  the  other  room,  but  before  he  got 
there,  we  heard  some  men  reading  something  and  laughing  enough 
to  bust  'em.  In  a  few  minutes  a  fine  looking  gentleman,  heavy  set,, 
tall,  with  keen  eyes  and  hair  well  sprinkled  with  gray,  came  out 
and  approached  us  with  a  smile,  and  said. — 

"  Well,  I  declare ;  is  this  the  lady  I  knew  so  well,  long  years 
ago,  as  Miss  Clarissa  Snodgrass  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  she  said,  "  I  am  the  same,  with  the  exception  of  the  ad- 
dition of  a  number  of  years,  and  a  husband  and  family.  This  is 
my  husband,  Mr.  Morgan,  Mr.  Harrison."  I  shook  hands  with  him 
and  he  greeted  us  in  a  most  cordial  spirit.  Said  he, — 

''Well,  Mrs.  Morgan,  I  am  really  delighted  to  see  you.  It 
brings  back  to  my  memory  those  early  days  in  my  history  when  I 
little  dreamed  that  I  should  ever  be  the  mayor  of  the  great  city  of 
Chicago,  or  that  you  would  visit  me  as  Mrs.  Benjamin  Morgan. 
Please  walk  into  my  private  office  where  we  can  have  a  little  chat," 
and  he  led  the  way  while  we  followed  him  into  a  beautiful  room,, 
finely  furnished.  He  gave  us  seats  in  big  easy  chairs,  and  then 
said, — 

"  Well,  well ;  I  am  surprised  to  see  you  as  I  had  lost  track  of 
you  the  last  twenty  years,  but  just  before  you  come  in,  I  was  read- 
ing in  the  morning  Tribune  about  your -arrival  in  the  city,  and  stop- 
ping at  the  Palmer  House,  and  about  your  long  walk  around  the 
city  with  the  brass  band." 

Clarissa  looked  a  little  crestfallen,  and  wondered  how  on  earth 
the  paper  got  hold  of  that.  She  was  surprised. 

Mr.  Harrison  said  "  she  needn't  be  surprised  at  all.  Probably 
some  of  the  Tribune  s  cheap  reporters  was  following  up  the  same 
band  to  take  notes,  and  as  he  discovered  you  was  strangers,  he  fol- 
lowed you  to  the  hotel  and  got  your  names." 

"  But  how  did  he  know  we  was  strangers  ?  "  she  asked. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


2I9 


"  Oh,"  said  he,  "  them  reporters  know  everything  and  every- 
body that  lives  here.  Why,  I  tell  you,  I  can't  move  but  that  they 
know  it.  If  I  go  to  church  they  will  report  it  the  next  day,  and 
for  that  reason  I've  quit  going  to  church.  If  I  drop  in  to  see  a 
friend  of  mine  when  on  my  way  home,  they  know  it  and  report 
it  the  next  day.  If  I  go  to  the  polls  election  day,  or  the  day  after, 
they  report  it,  and  as  likely  as  not  maffe  it  out  that  I  have  voted 
all  the  Irish  in  the  city  two  or  three  times.  I  get  so  annoyed  by 

them  reporters  that  I'd  like  to  send  every  one 

of  them  down  to  Joliet  and  take  Joe  Mackin's  place,  and  let  poor 
Joe  come  home." 

Clarissa  spoke  up  and  said,  "  That  was  what  you  was  laughing 
about,  wasn't  it?" 


CARTER'S  PRIVATE  OFFICE. 

He  said  it  was,  and  picked  up  the  paper  and  showed  us  the  ar- 
ticle. There  it  was,  a  half  column,  headed  : 

"  Fresh  Arrival !  Uncle  Ben  Morgan  and  Clarissa,  from  Mor- 
ganville,  Blank  County,  N.  Y." 

Clarissa  read  it  out  loud,  and  there  they  had  our  whole  trip 
yesterday  to  the  Fat  Cattle  Show  and  the  Palmer  House  business, 
all  brought  in,  written  up  in  a  flourishing  style,  and  while  Clarissa 


220  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

was  reading  it,  she  couldn't  help  laughing  right  out,  although  she 
was  the  maddest  I  ever  saw  her. 

"  Well,"  said  the  Mayor,  "  never  mind  the  paper.  I'll  send  my 
carriage  after  you  to  the  Palmer  House,  at  three  o'clock  this  after- 
noon, and  you  come  to  my  house  and  stay  a  few  days,  and  we'll  have 
a  good  visit."  Just  then  some  one  called  him.  "You  see,"  said  he, 
"  I  am  called  here  and  there  continually,  by  some  one  or  other  that 
think  they  want  something." 

"Yes,"  said  Clarissa,  "I  know  your  time  is  taken  up  and  you 
can't  be  bothered  much.  They  told  us  at  the  hotel  that  they 
thought  it  very  doubtful  if  we  found  you  in  your  office,  but  if  we 
didn't  find  you  here,  to  go  around  to  Mike  McDonald's,  and  we 
would  find  you  there ;  but  I  am  glad  we  found  you  in,  but  now  we 
will  not  take  any  more  of  your  time."  As  we  started  to  go  he  made 
us  promise  to  go  to  his  house  in  his  carriage. 

As  we  left,  he  went  to  the  door  with  us,  and  bowed  us  out  with 
a  broad  smile.  When  we  got  out  on  the  sidewalk,  I  turned  round 
to  look  up  to  the  top  of  that  City  Hall  building.  It  was  the  pret- 
tiest building  I  ever  saw,  prettier  than  Mr.  Palmer's  tavern.  The 
great,  round  stone  posts  in  front,  beside  the  front  door,  was  polished 
so  you  could  see  your  face  in  them  ;  and  way  up  to  the  top  was 
some  stone  men  and  women  standing  on  top  of  some  columns, 
dressed  in  old  fashioned  Bible  style  of  clothes,  and  holding  great 
flat  stones  on  top  of  their  heads.  I  was  quite  interested  in  looking 
at  them,  when  the  first  thing  I  knew  I  was  upset  into  a  cart  of 
oranges  and  peanuts.  A  dirty  looking  fellow  had  run  a  two- 
wheeled  hand-cart  loaded  with  that  stuff,  right  against  my  back 
legs  and  I  fell  right  into  his  cart  and  he  went  to  swearing  at  me. 

I  said  to  him,  "  Look  here,  you  dumb  sassy  scamp,  if  you  do 
that  again,  I'll  have  a  policeman  arrest  you." 

Clarissa  told  me  to  come  along  and  not  pay  any  attention  to 
him,  but  look  what  I  was  doing,  and  not  be  gaping  at  everything.  I 
asked  her  how  she  expected  1  could  see  anything  of  the  city,  if  I 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


221 


had  to  be  looking  out  for  everything  and  everybody  in  the  road. 
She  told  me  to  look  at  that  big  window  in  the  City  Hall.  I  did  so, 
and  there  was  standing  Mr.  Harrison  and  another  fellow  who  had 
been  watching  the  whole  performance.  They  was  laughing  enough 
to  kill  them. 

We  walked  along  down  Clark  Street  till  we  come  to  the  Dim^ 
Museum,  when  I  invited  Clarissa  to  go  in  with  me.  The  low  price 
was  the  principal  inducement.  We  spent  about  two  hours  there> 
and  saw  an  awful  sight  for  the  amount  we  paid.  The  last  thing  we 
saw,  just  before  coming  out,  was  a  play  on  the  stage,  which  they 


"LOOK   HERE,    YOU   DUMB    SASSY    SCAMP!" 

called  "  Dante's  Inferno,  or  The  Devil's  Home."  The  play  was  so 
exciting  that  for  a  few  minutes  it  seemed  real,  and  I  forgot  where  I 
was.  I  spoke  up  and  said,  "  Mr.  Boss  Devil,  have  you  got  four  fel- 
lows there  I  left  in  the  Cleveland  depot  t'other  night,  by  the  names 
of  Smooth,  Three,  Kard  and  Montee  ?  "  He  said  he  had,  that  they 
was  his  best  men  and  was  working  for  him  all  the  time.  I  turned 
to  Clarissa,  and  said, — 

"  Let's  get  out  as  quick  as  we  can  or  they'll  have  us,"  and  as  we 


222  SHAMS;  "OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 

left,  everybody  in  the  house  was  laughing  at  us,  and  the  old  Devil 
on  the  stage  laughed  louder  than  all  the  rest.  After  we  was  on  the 
street  again,  Clarissa  told  me  if  I  didn't  stop  making  such  a  fool  of 
myself  and  disgracing  her,  she  would  take  the  first  train  for  Califor- 
nia, and  leave  me  to  get  along  the  best  I  could.  I  promised  to  try 
my  best,  and  asked  her  as  a  favor,  to  pinch  me  real  hard  whenever 
she  discovered  I  was  about  to  make  a  break.  She  agreed,  and  we 
went  to  the  Palmer  and  got  dinner.  While  we  were  eating,  I  saw 
an  awful  pretty  woman  at  one  of  the  tables  that  seemed  to  attract 
an  awful  sight  of  attention.  Ladies  and  gentlemen  would  go  up 
and  shake  hands  with  her,  and  the  men  would  leave  a  little  bouquet 
at  her  plate  until  it  was  completely  covered  up  with  them.  It  made 
me  envious,  and  I  asked  Clarissa  to  excuse  me  a  minute.  I  had  for- 
got something  and  would  be  right  back. 

I  went  out  into  the  hall  and  found  a  waiter  boy.  I  said  to  him, 
"  Bub,  look  here ;  here  is  two  dollars ;  you  go  out  and  buy  three 
of  the  biggest  bouquets  you  can  find  for  fifty  cents  apiece,  and  bring 
'em  into  the  dining-room  and  come  right  to  my  table  and  bow  and 
smile,  and  hand  'em  to  my  wife,  and  speak  right  up  loud,  and  say, — 

"  Mrs.  Benjamin  Morgan,  these  is  the  compliments  of  the  editor 
of  the  Tribune,  the  editor  of  the  Times,  and  Mr.  Hizonor  Harrison." 

He  said  he  would.  I  told  him  to  hurry  up,  and  get  back  in  ten 
minutes  if  he  could,  and  he  might  keep  the  other  fifty  cents.  I  went 
back  to  the  table,  and  as  I  set  down  with  a  smile,  Clarissa  mistrusted 
I  had  been  doing  something. 

I  asked  the  waiter  that  took  my  order  who  that  woman  was 
that  attracted  so  much  attention. 

He  said  it  was  Mrs.  Langtry,  the  "Jersey  Lily." 

"  Well,"  said  I,  "  just  wait  a  few  minutes,  and  I'll  show  you  a 
York  State  Rose."  Clarissa  pinched  me.  I  told  her  that  that  pinch 
was  in  the  wrong  time,  as  she  would  presently  discover. 

The  waiter  had  but  just  come  in  with  our  dinner,  when  t'other 
waiter  come  in  with  three  monstrous  big  bouquets,  any  one  of  which 


EXPEDIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


223 


was  as  big  as  all- of  Langtry's,  and  he  handed  one  to  Clarissa,  with 
a  genteel  bow,  and  said  in  a  real  loud  voice, — 

"  Mrs.  Benjamin  Morgan,  accept  the  compliments  of  the  editor 
of  the  Tribune,  and  also  this,  with  the  compliments  of  the  editor  of 
the  Times,  and  also  this,  with  the  compliments  of  Mr.  Hizonor 
Harrison." 

My  bosom,  for  the  first  time  since  I  arrived  in  Chicago,  swelled 
with  pride  as  I  saw  all  eyes  turned  upon  my  Clarissa,  whose  face 
was  crimson  with  natural  blush,  and  Mrs.  Langtry,  as  she  gazed 
with  envy  at  her,  wore  a  white  painted  blush. 

Clarissa  was  dumbfounded.     She  couldn't  understand  what  it 


"CLARISSA  WAS  DUMBFOUNDED. 


meant.  She  didn't  know  why  she  should  be  made  the  recipient  of 
compliments  of  the  editors  of  the  two  greatest  newspapers  in  Amer- 
ica. I  told  her  that  the  Tribune  always  recognized  true  merit 
wherever  it  was  discovered,  and  if  any  person  on  earth  possessed 
true  merit,  she  did,  and  the  Tribune  had,  no  doubt,  discovered  that 
fact  by  means  of  its  "  reportorial  staff."  And  the  Times  would 
never  allow  the  Tribune  to  get  ahead  of  it,  and  consequently  had 
sent  its  compliments  in  to  head  off  the  Tribune.  I  told  her  I  was 
proud  of  her,  and  I  was  glad  to  have  the  comparison  drawn  in  such 


224  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

a  public  place  between  a  pretty  face  and  brains.  The  pretty  face 
had  lots  of.  little  bouquets  from  little  men,  while  her  intellectual  ca- 
pacity received  big  bouquets  from  big  men. 

After  dinner  we  carried  the  bouquets  to  our  room,  and  set  down 
for  a  little  talk.  We  had  been  seated  but  a  few  minutes,  when  there 
was  a  knock  on  the  door,  and  as  I  opened  it,  a  waiter  handed  me  a 
letter  addressed  to  my  wife.  She  opened  it.  It  read  as  follows : 

MRS.  BENJAMIN  MORGAN  AND  HUSBAND  : 

Noticing  your  arrival  in  the  city,  by  an  article  in  this  morning's  Tribune,  I  desire  to 
renew  our  acquaintance  of  years  ago,  and  will  be  pleased  to  call  upon  you  at  such  time  as 
you  may  be  pleased  to  name.  I  shall  also  be  pleased  to  have  you  inspect  my  studio  before 
you  leave  the  city.  Yours  truly, 

A.  W.  KINNEY,  Lakeside  Building. 

Clarissa  replied 'as  follows: 

MR.  A,  W.  KINNEY: 

Dear  Sir, — Your  note  is  just  received.     I  thank  you  for  your  expression  of  a  desire  to 
renew  our  old  acquaintance,  and  your  invitation  to  call  upon  you.     The  latter  we  shall  be 
pleased  to  do  as  soon  as  convenient,  but  I  cannot  name  the  time  for  you  to  call  upon  us,  as 
we  leave  this  tavern  in  a  short  time  for  Mr.  Carter  Harrison's  residence,  for  a  short  visit. 
Very  truly  yours,  MRS.  B.  MORGAN. 

The  boy  had  scarcely  left  the  door  before  another  boy  handed 
another  letter  for  "Mrs.  Clarissa  Morgan."  It  read  as  follows:  ' 

MRS.  MORGAN  : 

I  noticed  by  this  morning's  Tribune  that  you  and  your  husband  had  arrived  in  our  city, 
and  are  the  guests  of  the  Palmer.  I  shall  be  happy  to  have  you  visit  me,  and  also  to  take 
in  the  Board  of  Trade  before  you  leave  the  city.  Please  state  where  I  may  call  for  you  at 
2  P.  M.  on  Monday  next,  with  my  private  carriage. 

Very  truly  yours,  N.  G.  ROSSTER. 

Clarissa  replied  as  follows : 

MR.  N.  G.  ROSSTER  : 

Dear  Friend,— -I  hope  you  will  not  think  it  presuming  too  much  to  address  you  by  the 
title  I  used  to  consider  you.  I  thank  you  for  your  kind  invitation,  and  shall  be  pleased  to 
accept.  We  leave  this  tavern  in  a  few  minutes  for  Mr.  Carter  Harrison's  residence,  for  a 
short  visit,  and  unless  you  hear  from  me  in  the  intervening  time,  you  will  find  us  there  at  2 
P.  M.,  Monday  next.  With  many  thanks,  I  am  yours, 

MRS.  B.  MORGAN. 

Clarissa  had  not  completed  her  answer  to  Mr.  Rosster's  letter 
before  another  boy  called  with  a  letter  addressed  to  me:  I  opened 
it  and  read  as  follows : 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  22$ 

MR.  BENJAMIN  MORGAN.  Palmer  House,  Chicago,  III.: 

Dear  Sir, — We  noticed  by  this  morning's  Ttibune  that  you  had  arrived  in  the  city.  We 
are  also  informed  that  you  visited  our  museum  this  forenoon.  We  desire  to  meet  you  on  a 
business  matter.  Will  you  please  call  at  our  office  this  P.  M.,  between  five  and  seven,  or 
to-morrow  morning,  between  nine  and  ten  ?  We  think  we  can  make  you  a  satisfactory  offer 
We  are  on  the  constant  lookout  for  new  attractions. 

Very  respectfully  yours,  KOHL  &  MIDDLETOM. 

To  this  letter  I  replied  : 

MR.  KOHL  AND  MR.  MIDDLETON  : 

Each  one  of  you  Gentlemen — Your  letter  has  been*  handed  to  me  by  one  of  Mr.  Pal- 
mer's waiter  boys,  who  is  at  this  moment  standing  at  my  left-hand  elbow,  waiting  for  me  to 
finish  this  letter.  I  can't  conceive  what  on  earth  you  can  want  of  me.  If  you  have  got 
some  kind  of  a  scheme  on  foot,  and  want  me  to  go.  into  it,  you  have  been  writing  to  the  wrong 
one.  I  am  no  schemer,  and  no  hypocrite,  and  I  don't  want  anything  to  do  with  them  as  is. 
I  have  no  desire  to  get  acquainted  with  any  one  that  will  harbor  and  keep  in  their  employ 
such  confounded  hypocrites  as  Smooth,  Three,  Kard  and  Montee,  as  your  boss,  the  Devil, 
told  me  you  did,  when  I  was  in  there.  I  want  nothing  to  do  with  anybody  that  plays  Hell, 
as  you  do,  morning  and  night,  and,  besides  all  the  above  and  foregoing  reasons,  I  haint  got 
time  to  call  on  you,  as  we  are  going  "visiting  to  Mayor  Harrison's.  So  you  needn't  write  me 
any  more  about  it.  Yours, 

UNCLE  BENJAMIN  MORGAN, 
Morganville,  Blank  County,  New  York. 

P.  S. — If  you  want  a  feller  that's  good  on  schemes,  to  help  the  Devil  in  that  play  of 
yourn,  I  know  a  first-rate  one  for  you.  He  lives  down  to  the  village,  and  his  name  is  Jim 
Teeters.  He  has  been  helping  the  Methodists  down  there,  but  I  guess  they  can  get  on  with- 
out him.  In  fact,  they  was  talking  about  turning  him  and  Waddles  out  before  we  left 
home.  Maybe  you  could  get  Waddles,  too. 

P.  S. — Say,  you  haint  got  a  feller  working  for  you  by  the  name  of  Bascom  B.  Bigler, 
have  you?  They  called  him  'Squire  Bigler.  He  kind  of  got  knocked  out  of  his  calculations 
down  there  last  fall,  and  moved  out  here,  hunting  for  a  job.  If  you  have  got  him  to  work, 
you  might  tell  him  Clarissa  and  I  are  here — right  here  in  Chicago. 

P.  S. — Say,  come  to  think  of  it,  you  needn't  to  tell  him  about  our  being  here,  for  if  he 
has  seen  the  Tribune  he  knows  it. 

P.  S.— I  haven't  time  to  write  any  more,  as  Mr.  Harrison's  horses  and  buggy  are  wait- 
ing  for  us  down  to  the  front  door. 

We  dismissed  the  boys  with  the  letters,  and  got  our  things  to- 
gether and  went  down  the  ele  to  the  office,  and  paid  our  bill. 
The  young  man  behind  the  counter  said,  "  You  haint  going  to  leave 
us  now,  are  you  ?"  I  told  him  we  was  just  entering  upon  that  act. 
He  said  he  was  sorry  to  have  us  leave,  as  we  had  been  the  main  at- 
traction in  the  house  since  our  arrival.  Just  then  he  introduced  us 
to  a  fine-looking  old  gentleman,  by  saying,  "  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Morgan, 


226  SHAMS;    OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

let  me  make  you  acquainted  with  Mr.  Palmer,  the  proprietor  of  this 
house." 

Mr.  Palmer  said,  "  I  am  very  glad  to  meet  you.  I  was  out  at 
my  private  residence,  on  the  North  Side,  when  you  arrived,  and 
when  I  discovered  by  the  article  I  read  in  the  morning  Tribune  that 
you  were  the  guest  of  my  house,  I  hastened  down  here  to  meet  you. 
I  am  really  sorry  you  are  going  to  leave ;  any  time  you  will  come  in 
to  a  meal  or  stay  all  night  while  you  remain  in  the  city,  you  are 
welcome  to  do  so,  free  of  costs." 

We  severally  and  jointly  thanked  him  for  his  kind  invitation 
and  welcome,  and  told  him,  as  he  had  such  a  fine  tavern  and  they 
was  all  so  kind  to  us,  we  would  make  it  our  central  point  while  we 
was  in  town,  and  bid  him  good-by. 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


227 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

went  out  on  Monroe  Street,  where  an  elegant  carriage  was 
waiting  for  us.  A  gentleman  that  was  dressed  up  in  fine  style 
with  a  stove  pipe  hat  on,  showed  us  into  the  carriage  and 

was  just  closing  the  door  when  I  asked  him  if  it  was  a  nigh  relative 

he  had  lost.     He  asked  me  what  I  meant. 


IS  IT  A  NIGH   RELATIVE   YOU   HAVE  LOST?" 


"  Why,"  said  I,  "  I  merely  wanted  to  know  if  'twas  a  father  or 
mother  or  son  or  daughter,  or  wife,  you  was  called  upon  to  mourn." 
"  Not  either,"  said  he  ;  "what  makes  you  think  I  have?" 


228  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

"  Why,  that  wide  black  band  on  your  hat,"  said  I,  pointing  to  it.. 

He  laughed  and  said  that  he  was  the  coachman,  and  that  was- 
why  he  wore  it,  and  closed  the  door  and  drove  off  to  the  City  Hall, 
where  the  Mayor  soon  joined  us.  With  a  great  big  hearty  smile  of 
welcome  he  shook  our  hands  with  that  peculiar  kind  of  a  shake 
that  made  me  think  that  shaking  hands  was  a  science  that  he  had 
studied  all  his  life.  Somehow  or  other  there  is  no  one  that  has  got 
that  kind  of  a  shake  hands  business  about  them  that  seems  to  say, 
"  You  just  stand  by  me  and  I'll  be  your  friend,"  like  an  old  poli- 
tician. 

We  drove  off  at  a  rapid  rate  until  we  arrived  at  No.  • — ,  Ashland 
Avenue,  where  we  alighted  and  was  led  into  the  house  by  Mr.  Har- 
rison, who  introduced  us  to  his  excellent  wife,  who  greeted  us  with 
a  cordial  spirit,  and  we  was  taken  into  a  beautiful  parlor.  Time 
forbids  any  extended  description  of  our  visit  of  four  days  there. 
At  7  o'clock  we  had  what  they  called  dinner.  Clarissa  sat  next  to 
Mr.  H.,  and  received  a  good  share  of  his  attention.  In  reply  to 
some  of  her  questions,  he  said  : 

"  He  had  been  mayor  of  Chicago  for  a  number  of  terms ;  that 
as  one  term  was  about  to  expire,  the  citizens  of  Chicago  would  come 
up  almost  en  masse  and  beg  him  to  accept  the  nomination  again,  and 
although  he  had  repeatedly  declined  and  refused  the  nomination, 
still  they  had  persisted  in  electing  him  by  tremendous  majorities, 
and,  of  course  he  had  to  act  when  he  was  elected ;  that  the  city 
had  thrived  and  prospered  and  increased  rapidly  under  his  govern- 
ment, and  he  was  considered  'The  Best  Mayor  Chicago  ever  had;' 
that  he  had  been  invited  to  New  York  City  to  show  them  how  to 
run  a  city  government;  that  he  supposed  more  than  likely  they 
would  insist  on  making  him  mayor  again  at  the  next  spring  election, 
but  he  had  got  so  tired  of  it,  so  tired  of  trying  to  run  an  honest  gov- 
ernment that  he  positively  would  riot  accept  it,  and  he  was  going  to 
write  to  the  people  of  the  city  through  the  Times,  over  his  own  sig- 
nature, not  to  nominate  him  next  spring,  for  he  would  not  serve." 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  229 

She  said,  "  Supposing  you  are  elected  next  spring,  what  will 
you  do?" 

"  Well,  if  I  had  the  power,"  he  replied,  "  I  would  give  the  office 
to  a  .friend  of  mine  that  wants  it  awful  bad,  and  that  needs  it,  Mr. 
Sidney  Smith ;  but  there  is  one  objection  to  letting  Sidney  into  the 
office,  and  that  is  this,  he  is  a  regular  ferret,  and  about  the  first  thing 
he  will  do  will  be  to  run  all  over  my  past  administration  and  see  if 
he  can  find  anything  funny  about  it.  He  will  try  to  examine  into 
the  records  of  the  city  council,  and  see  if  he  can't  discover  some 
kind  of  a  boodle  scheme  and  kick  up  an  unpleasant  odor." 

"Then  why  don't  you  give  the  office  to  some  one  else  that 
wont  cause  so  much  trouble  ?"  she  asked. 

"  Well,"  he  said,  "  you  must  understand  that  I  can't  give  the 
office  away.  I  haven't  been  mayor  quite  long  enough  to  have  that 
power,  but  if  I  had  I  could  give  it  to  Van  Pelt.  He  is  a  particular 
friend  of  mine,  and  he  would  slide  along  smooth  and  not  discover 
anything,  even  if  requested  to  by  any  number  of  the  citizens,  but  I 
am  afraid  he  wouldn't  be  a  good  mayor,  and  would  be  apt  to  split 
my  party,  which  might  spoil  my  chances  for  an  election  to  Con- 
gress. I  came  pretty  nigh  asking  Sid  Smith  to  take  it  last  spring* 
and  when  the  people  got  to  hear  of  it,  they  said  I  shouldn't  do  it, 
that  the  office  belonged  to  me,  and  I  belonged  to  it,  and  I  should 
stay  in  it,  so  I  staid. 

"  The  fact  is,  Mrs.  Morgan,  I  am  absolutely  married  to  Chi- 
cago." 

"  Was  that  your  wife's  name  before  you  married  her?"  Clarissa 
asked. 

"  Na,  I  didn't  mean  that,"  he  said,  "  I  meant  that  I  thought  so 
much  of  the  city  of  Chicago  that  I  felt  as  if  it  was  a  bride  to  me, 
and  for  that  reason  I  say  I  am  married  to  her." 

"Well,  then,"  I  asked,  "  why  don't  you  change  the  name  and 
call  it  Harrisonburgh  ;  it  is  the  law  for  the  wife  to  take  the  husband's 
name,  aint  it?" 


230  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

"  Yes,  that  is  the  law,  but  there  is  just  one  difficulty  in  the  way 
of  that.  While  I  think  enough  of  Chicago  to  do  all  that,  the  city 
hasn't  quite  said  yes  to  my  pop,  and  I  haven't  quite  popped  yet." 

We  had  an  elegant  dinner,  and  enough  of  the  mayor's  personal 
history  to  serve  as  a  double  dessert. 

After  dinner  was  over  the  Mayor  asked  us  to  accompany  him 
and  his  wife  to  the  theater.  It  being  Saturday  night  we  could  sleep 
as  late  the  next  morning  as  we  pleased.  We  was  glad  to  accept  his 
invitation,  as  we  never  had  been  in  a  regular  theater.  So  he  had 
his  private  coachman  dressed  in  his  private  mourning  hat,  take  us 
in  his  private  carriage  down  to  McVicker's  Theater.  We  occupied 
his  private  box  at  the  theater.  I  couldn't  see  as  there  was  very 
much  about  the  box  that  was  private,  as  everybody  that  was  in  that 
great  beautiful  room  could  look  right  in  onto  us.  I  asked  Mr.  Har- 
rison what  made  him  call  that  a  box  ;  it  didn't  look  a  mite  like  a  box  but 
more  like  a  little  bedroom  than  anything  else.  He  couldn't  explain 
it.  Just  after  we  got  set  down  the  band  begun  to  play  right  down 
in  front  of  us.  Clarissa  got  up  and  said,  "  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Harrison, 
I  believe  I'll  have  to  go  out,  for  I  don't  think  my  nerves  will  stand 
the  strains  of  a  brass  band."  Mrs.  Harrison  assured  her  that  it  was 
not  a  brass  band,  but  a  very  fine  orchestra,  and  that  she  would  be 
delighted  with  the  music ;  and  she  set  down  with  a  calm  countenance 
and  was  really  delighted  with  the  music  of  the  orchestra. 

The  play  was  "  Joshua  Whitcomb,  or,  The  Farmer  in  Boston." 
Denman  Thompson  was  to  'take  the  part  of  Uncle  Josh.  The  cur- 
tain was  pulled  up,  and  the  play  begun.  When  he. got  along  to 
where  they  had  a  dance,- he  pulled  off  his  boots  and  commenced, 
but  stopped  sudden,  and  said  : 

''  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  I  would  like  to  dance  this  set  through, 
but  I  followed  a  brass  band  all  over  the  city  this  afternoon,  and  my 
corns  are  paining  me  more  than  usual.  Therefore,  you  will  please 
excuse  my  poor  dancin'." 

The  whole  house  just  hollered  and  yelled,  and  spatted  their 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


231 


hands  and  stamped  their  feet,  and  then  they  yelled,  "Uncle  Ben 
Morgan! " 

I  got  up  and  bowed,  and  said  that  was  me,  and  asked  them 
what  they  wanted.  Clarissa  pinched  me  horribly.  I  sat  down  im- 
mediately. The  Mayor  laughed,  and  so  did  Mrs.  Mayor,  while 
Denman  just  roared  a  minute,  and  then  said  he  didn't  know  his  old 
neighbor,  Uncle  Ben  Morgan,  was  there  before,  but  that  he  would 
hunt  him  up  after  the  show  was  over. 

We  enjoyed  the  theater  immensely.  It  was  mighty  good,  and 
I  made  up  my  mind  that  if  Uncle  Josh  couldn't  clean  out  that  mis- 
erable drunken  cuss,  that  I'd  just  get  over  onto  the  stage  and  help 


"I   WAS  JUST   STEPPING  OVER   THE   BALUSTRADE. 


him.  Once  I  was  afraid  he'd  be  too  much  for  Uncle  Josh,  and  I  got 
up  and  was  just  stepping  over  the  balustrade  in  front  of  our  box 
onto  the  stage,  to  give  that  darned  cuss  a  belt,  while  Uncle  Josh 
was  praying  up  in  that  miserable  attic,  when  Mr.  Harrison  pulled  me 
back,  and  said  that  was  part  of  the  play — that  it  would  all  come  out 
right.  He  never  saw  a  play  that  didn't  come  out  right  in  the  end. 
Clarissa  spoke  up,  and  said,  "  Our  lives  are  just  like  a  drama  ;  they 
are  composed  of  main  and  by-plays  ;  that  she  believed  in  the  end  they 


232  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

would  come  out  all  right.  We  might  not  be  able  to  understand  it  all, 
but  the  great  Manager  of  all  human  plays  would  see  the  end  was 
all  right,  and  that  justice  was  measured  with  knowledge  and  con- 
sistency." The  Mayor  complimented  her  on  her  philosophy,  and 
said,  "  Mrs.  Morgan,  that  thought  is  very  consoling  to  me.  When 
I  try  to  close  up  the  dens  of  vice  and  iniquity  that  exist  in  our  proud 
city  like  so  many  cesspools,  breeding  corruption  and  moral  death,  I 
am  cursed  and  lied  about  by  some  of  my  best  political  supporters 
and  workers ;  and  when  I  try  to  let  them  alone,  and  run  as  they 
please,  then  I  am  lied  about  and  cursed  by  all  the  newspapers  in  the 
city.  I  am  constantly  harassed  by  some  thing,  or  some  one.  And 
the  fact  that  it  is  all  a  drama,  and  the  great  Author  of  the  play  will 
bring  it  out  all  right  in  the  end,  is  a  consolation  that  I  prize  next  to 
my  salary  and  perquisites." 

The  play  ended  all  right.  Hypocrisy  was  exposed  and  justice 
done,  and  we  went  home  well  pleased  with  our  second  day's  expe- 
rience in  Chicago. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


233 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

^tl  UND AY  morning  the  bright  sunbeams  found  their  way  through 
iSfe  the  open  blinds  and  rich  lace  curtains,  and  told  us  it  was  high 
^=^  time  for  us  to  get  up.  The  room  we  occupied  was  large  and 
richly  furnished.  It  was  heated  by  steam,  and  everything  about  it 
had  an  inviting  appearance  of  comfort.  The  door  to  a  little  room  ad- 


"  ONE  RUN  COLD,  T'OTHER  RUN  HOT." 

joining  ours  was  open,  and  while  I  was  hunting  for  a  place  to  wash 
my  face,  I  peeked  in  there,  and  saw  a  fine  marble-top  wash-sink  with 
a  marble  basin,  and  two  faucets.  I  went  in  and  turned  on  the  fau- 


234  SHAMS;  OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

cets,  and  one  run  cold  water  and  t'other  run  hot.  I  told  Clarissa 
that  I  didn't  believe  the  folks  would  care  if  we  washed  there,  and  I 
was  going  to,  at  any  rate,  and  run  the  risk.  Along  the  side  of  the 
room  was  a  long  zinc-lined  coffin,  without  any  cover.  I  asked  Clar- 
issa what  she  supposed  they  kept  a  coffin  there  for.  She  examined 
it  closely,  and  said  it  wasn't  a  coffin,  but  it  was  a  washing  tub,  and 
she  was  going  to  take  a  bath  in  it.  I  told  her  she  had  better  go 
down  stairs  and  ask  Mr.  Harrison  if  it  was  all  right,  and  not  make 
any  mistake.  She  said  she  wouldn't  make  a  fool  of  herself  by  doing 
that ;  she  knew  what  it  was  for,  as  she  had  read  a  good  deal  about 
such  things,  and  her  cousin  Buzzbee,  in  Syracuse,  had  one  just  like 
it  in  her  private  bedroom.  So  she  turned  on  the  water,  and  let  the 
tub  fill  up.  She  had  her  bath,  and  enjoyed  it  so  much,  that  when 
she  got  through  I  tried  it,  and  I  didn't  blame  Clarissa  a  mite  for 
enjoying  it.  I  thought  it  was  not  only  a  good  thing,  but  'twas  lots 
of  fun.  I  never  had  a  bath  before  in  my  life.  I  don't  mean  to  say 
I  never  got  washed  all  over  before,  for  I  make  a  practice  of  going- 
in  swimming  down  in  the  creek,  in  my  west  pasture,  two  or  three 
times  every  summer;  but  I  never  had  a  zinc-lined  tub,  hot  and  cold 
water  wash  before.  When  I  get  home  I'm  going  to  cut  our  buttery 
in-  two,  and  make  just  such  a  tub  in  one  part  of  it,  so  we  can'  go  in 
swimming  in  the  winter  as  well  as  summer.  After  we  was  dressed  up 
we  went  down  to  the  parlor,  where  Mr.  arid  Mrs.  Mayor  was  wait- 
ing for  us. 

After  breakfast  the  Mayor  set  down  and  entertained  us  an  hour, 
with  a  description  of  Chicago  and  its  wonderful  prosperity  under 
his  reign.  He  told  us  that  he  had  to  work  against  strong  odds  in 
carrying  out  his  policy ;  that  the  Tribune  had  always  been  fighting 
him  and  opposing  him  and  misrepresenting  him,  and  all  the  papers 
occasionally  threw  up  something  mean  about  him.  "  But,",  said  he, 
"  Mrs.  Morgan,  you  know  I  come  from  the  President  Harrison  stock 
on  one  side,  and  the  Virginia  Randolphs  on  't'other,  and  the  blood 
that  runs  in  my  veins  is  not  the  kind  that  is  easily  daunted  ;  and  I 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  235 

was  born  in  Kentucky,  where  people  of  honor  live.  I  graduated 
from  Yale  College  in  1845,  and  the  class  that  graduated  then  were 
all  gentlemen,  that  would  not,  under  any  circumstances,  betray  a 
friend.  I  traveled  a  long  time  in  company  with  Bayard  Taylor 
through  Europe  and  Syria  and  Asia  Minor,  and  have  consequently 
seen  enough  of  the  world  to  know  that  no  man  ever  amounts  to  very 
much  in  this  world  without  being  opposed  and  lied  about.  So,  I 
don't  pay  any  attention  to  all  these  criticisms  and  slanders,  but  in- 
tend to  go  right  ahead  and  work  for  the  prosperity  and  growth  of 
Chicago,  and  in  being  elected  its  mayor,  until  the  city  shall  have 
one  million  people  living  in  it.  Then  will  I  be  content  to  ky  aside 
the  official  robes  of  Burgomaster,  and  will  devote  the  remainder 
of  my  time  in  getting  some  of  my  friends  elected  mayor  who  will 
carry  out  my  line  of  policy." 

His  recitation  of  his  life  in  Chicago  sounded  like  a  novel,  and 
I'll  leave  it  to  the  reader  to  imagine  who  the  hero  was. 

The  church  bells  was  ringing  in  all  directions.  Clarissa  mani- 
fested a  desire  to  go  to  meeting  somewhere.  When  Mr.  Harrison 
asked  her  who  she  would  like  to  hear.  She  said  she  had  read  a  great 
deal  about  Professor  Swing,  and  she  would  like  to  hear  him,  if  it 
wasn't  too  far  off.  He  said  that  he  hadn't  been  to  church  for  a  long 
time,  but  he  would  take  us  down  to  Central  Music  Hall,  and  we 
would  hear  the  Professor.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Mayor  and  Clarissa  and 
I  was  seated  in  their  private  carriage  five  minutes  later,  and  drove 
to  Central  Music  Hall.  They  pointed  out  all  the  prominent 
buildings  on  the  way  down,  and  it  was  a  pleasant  ride.  We  entered 
the  hall,  and,  while  there  was  a  great  many  people  waiting  for  seats, 
we  was  immediately  shown  to  very  desirable  seats.  Soon  after  we 
was  seated,  soft,  low  and  pensive  strains  of  music  greeted  our  ears, 
coming,  seemingly,  from  a  great  distance.  First,  the  rich,  deep  dia- 
pason of  dying  thunder  seemed  to  fill  the  entire  room,  and  I  looked 
all  around  to  see  where  it  came  from.  Presently  the  mellow  strains 
of  a  baritone  and  alto  horn  seemed  to  unite  their  notes,  while  the 


236  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

cornet,  clarinet,  bassoon  and  piccolo  came  in  to  fill  the  full  measure 
of  harmony.  Louder  and  nearer  came  the  grand  combination,  until 
it  swelled,  it  seemed  to  me,  into  a  mountain-wave  rolling  into  the 
great  room  from  all  sides,  completely  engulphing  us  in  a  sea  of  har- 
monious sounds !  I  was  puzzled.  I  looked  in  every  direction  to 
find  out  the  cause.  I  could  not  discover  any  one  that  I  could  charge 
with  taking  a  part  in  it.  I  hated  to  ask  a  question  there,  but  I  hated 
still  more  to  be  in  ignorance  of  what  I  might  know  by  simply  asking 
a  question.  So  I  asked  Mr.  H.  where  that  music  come  from.  He  told 
me  it  was  the  organ.  I  told  him  I  never  heard  one  before.  He 
showed  me  about  it.  The  magnificent  instrument  was  divided  into 
two  parts,  and  one  half  was  on  one  side  of  the  stage  and  'tother  on 
'tother  side,  while  the  player  set  up  in  the  gallery  over  the  stage,  be- 
hind a  red  curtain.  It  is  a  beautiful  instrument,  and  in  a  beautiful 
room.  The  continual  changes  and  variations  of  that  grand  organ  was 
enough  to  make  one  feel  religious,  if  they  had  never  thought  of  it  be- 
fore, and  although  when  we  first  went  in,  I  thought  we  was  in  another 
theater, — for  it  looked  a  good  deal  like  the  one  we  was  in  last  night, — 
.  when  the  music  filled  the  house,  and  no  doubt  filled  the  very  hearts  of 
all  the  people  in  it,  I  felt  we  was  in  a  place  dedicated  to  the  Author 
of  all  harmony,  and  a  sacred  feeling  seemed  to  possess  me. 

In  about  twenty  minutes  after  we  entered  the  hall,  a  little  side 
door  on  the  stage  opened  and  in  walked  a  small  man,  smooth-faced, 
and  very  homely,  and  seated  himself  beside  a  small  pulpit  or  Bible 
stand.  Another  gentleman  walked  in  and  sat  a  little  to  the  left. 
The  latter  was  the  chorister,  who  called  attention  to  the  printed 
hymns  that  was  in  every  seat.  The  tunes  was  all  old  fashioned,  and 
easy  to  sing.  The  organ  player  played  the  tune  through  once,  then 
the  entire  congregation  stood  up,  and  while  the  chorister  led,  every- 
body seemed  to  sing.  Clarissa  sung  just  as  well  as  any  of  them.  I 
tried  to  sing.  I  don't  know  why  I  attempted  the  trick,  but  that 
organ. seemed  to  pick  me  up  and  say  to  me,  "  Come,  take  a  part,  and 
I'll  carry  you  through." 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES. 


237 


After  the  singing  the  long  haired,  beardless,  homely  man  arose 
and  offered  a  prayer  that  embraced  more  good  sense  than  any  peti- 
tion I  ever  heard  from  the  lips  of  a  minister.  The  gratitude  of  thank- 
ful hearts  for  mercies  past,  and  future  blessings  asked,  poured  forth 
from  his  lips  as  sweetly  and  smoothly  as  does  a  stream  of  crystal 
water  glide  along  'mid  flowery  banks,  seemingly  thankful  for  being 
confined  in  a  course  that  led  it  on  to  the  sea.  Then  followed  his 
sermon,  and  as  he  proceeded  every  sentence  seemed  to  add  to  the 


CARTER   CROSSING   THE   DESERT. 


stature  of  the  man;  and  his  eloquence  robbed  him  of  the  homely 
looks,  and  clothed  him  with  manly  beauty  ;  and  when  he  closed  his 
discourse,  to  me  of  all  ministers  I  ever  heard,  he  was  the  greatest  ; 
and  of  all  the  public  speakers  I  ever  heard,  he  was  the  most  elo- 
quent. His  greatness  did  not  consist  of  his  advising  God  what  to 
do  as  Jonas  Danberry  does  when  he  wants  God  to  bust  a  hole  in  the 
roof  of  houses,  but  in  getting  into  the  lives  of  people,  and  trying  to 
make  them  sweet,  and  as  flowers  are  the  adornments  of  beauty  in 


238  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

nature  and  the  emblems  of  the  beauty  of  holiness,  so  the  human 
heart  should  adorn  itself  with  holiness. 

He  exposed  the  hypocrisy  practiced  by  men  in  high  positions, 
and  preached  the  doctrine  of  honesty  and  purity  in  politics  and 
business,  and  he  seemed  to  want  to  lift  all  mankind  up  to  that  ideal 
man  of  perfection — Christ.  His  eloquence  did  not  consist  of  roar- 
ing like  a  lion  one  minute  and  from  sheer  exhaustion  whispering  the 
next;  exhorting  men  to  be  terrible  bold  soldiers  of  the  cross  ready 
to  stab  anybody  that  didn't  believe  a  certain  way ;  and  then  manu- 
facturing crocodile  tears  in  pursuing  an  imaginary  sinner  down  to 
the  grave,  and  seeing  him  tumble  into  the  jaws  of  the  dragon,  leav- 
ing a  large  circle  of  friends  to  mourn  his  never  ending  torture,  nor 
in  pawing  the  air  one  minute  with  both  arms  and  hands  and  one 
foot,  and  then  with  clenched  fist  spoiling  the  Bible  and  busting  the 
pulpit  by  terrible  blows,  as  Danberry  and  Jones,  and  most  all  min- 
isters do  that  I  ever  heard  down  to  the  village  and  out  in  the  school- 
houses  around  there.  But  his  eloquence  is  in  his  plain  language, 
every  word  of  which  is  fitted  in  the  right  place  to  frame  sentences, 
full  of  thought  and  logic,  and  so  simply  uttered  that  every  word 
was  easily  understood.  Sweet  flowers  and  refreshing  draughts  from 
a  fountain  overflowing  with  knowledge  are  handed  you  along  with 
the  sermon. 

I  felt  after  the  services  was  over  that  I  had  been  to  church,  to 
a  lecture,  to  a  school-room,  working  in  a  flower  garden  and  drinking 
from  a  spring  of  sparkling  cold  water,  all  at  the  same  time ;  and  I-told 
Mr,  Harrison  that  it  was  the  best  treat  I  ever  had.  I  told  the  mayor 
that  he  must  excuse  my  ignorance  and  green  manners.  I  meant  all 
right,  but  I  had  never  seen  anything  of  the  world  in  my  whole  life, 
so  to  speak,  until  the  last  ten  days ;  and  I  thoroughly  appreciated 
everything  new  that  I  saw,  and  I  appreciated  that  grand  organ 
music,  but  I  appreciated  the  value  of  such  a  man  as  Professor  David 
Swing  in  a  community  more  than  all ;  and  if  I  was  living  in  Chi- 


.EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  239 

cago,  and  was  the  mayor,  I  would  make  it  a  point  to  hear  such  men 
every  Sunday,  for  it  would  help  me  to  be  a  better  mayor. 

"  Oh,  well,"  said  Mr.  Harrison,  "  if  you  lived  here  as  long  as  I 
have,  and  had  as  much  on  your  hands  to  attend  to,  you'd  want  to 
take  a  rest  on  Sunday  ;  besides,  Chicago  is  chuck  full  of  such  smart 
men  as  Swing ;  may  be  not  quite  as  flowery  and  highly  educated  as 
he  is,  but  nevertheless  very  smart  men." 

When  we  reached  the  mayor's  home  we  set  down  in  the  parlor, 
and  Clarissa  picked  up  the  Sunday  Tribune  and  about  the  first  thing 
she  saw  on  the  first  page  was  an  article  headed :  "  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Benjamin  Morgan,  the  guests  of  Mayor  Carter  Harrison.  They 
visit  McVicker's  Theater,  and  add  to  the  interest  of  the  play."  She 
read  it  through  and  laughed,  but  was  a  little  disgusted.  I  asked 
Mr.  Harrison  if  he  thought  it  was  possible  for  us  to  do  anything  in 
that  big  city  without  the  reporters  getting  hold  of  it.  He  told  me 
he  thought  it  extremely  doubtful. 

That  afternoon  they  took  us  riding  all  over  the  city,  and  showed 
us  the  waterworks,  the  cable  car  engine  works,  the  Cook  County 
Hospital,  the  Chicago  Library,  and  several  places  of  interest.  In 
the  evening  several  of  his  friends  called.  We  got  acquainted  with 
John  Van  Pelt.  Clarissa  used  to  know  him  when  he  didn't  amount 
to  much.  But  he  had  forgotten  her.  She  thinks  he  don't  amount  to 
much  more  now  than  he  used  to,  except  he  may  have  more  money, 
but  she  says  money  don't  make  brains.  Daniel  Wren,  one  of  Chi- 
cago's greatest  men,  according  to  Fairbanks,  and  Mr.  McCarthy  (I 
believe  they  called  him  Buck)  a  gentleman  they  said  was  in  the  wire* 
pulling  business  for  the  machine,  was  introduced  to  us  as  Mr.  Han 
rison's  particular  friends.  Then  a  fellow  called  at  the  door  and 
asked  if  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Morgan  was  in.  Mr.  Harrison's  hired  girl 
went  to  the  door,  and  when  the  fellow  asked  for  us,  she  said, 
"Faith,  an'  how  should  I  know?  this  is  the  mayor's  home.  I  niver 
seed  the  Morganses.  I'll  go  ax  the  ould  rnan  if  them  folks  be  here," 
and  she  shut  the  door  in  his  face  and  come  to  the  parlor  door,  and 


240  SHAMS  ;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

said,  "  Mr.  Harrison,  they  be  a  gentleman  as  wants  to  know  if  the 
Morganses  be  in.  I  told  him  I'd  ax  you."  "  Well,  you  tell  him 
they  are  here,  but  ask  for  his  card,"  he  replied.  Bridget  went 
back  to  the  door  and  said,  •'  Yis,  the  Morganses  be  in  here  ;  what  do 
you  want  of  'em  ?  "  The  stranger  said  he  wanted  to  interview  them. 
"Well,  the  mayor  wants  your  pack  of  cards  before  you  come  in." 
He  said  he  hadn't  brought  'em  with  him,  as  it  was  Sunday,  but 
that  he  was  a  Times  reporter.  "Well,  thin,"  she  said,  "you  can 
just  stay  out  there  till  I  ax  the  boss  if  you  kin  git  in,"  and  back 
Bridget  came  to  the  parlor  door,  and  said,  "  Mr.  Harrison,  faith,  and 
he  said  he  left  his  pack  of  cards  at  home  ;  it  being  Sunday  he  didn't 
think  you'd  want  him  to  bring  them  along,  but  his  name  is  Mr. 
Reporter  of  the  Times  and  wants  to  interview  the  Morganses."  Mr. 
Harrison  asked  us  if  we  wanted  to  be  interviewed.  I  told  him  I'd 
rather  go  to  bed,  but  Clarissa  said  she'd  like  to  tell  him  some 
things.  Mr.  Harrison  told  Bridget  to  show  him  into  the  library, 
and  Mrs.  Morgan  would  meet  him  there  in  a  few  minutes. 

Clarissa  met  him  in  the  library  room.  He  bowed  a  very  polite 
bow,  and  introduced  himself  to  her  as  Mr.  Gimlet,  a  reporter  for 
the  Chicago  Times,  and  said  as  our  arrival  had  caused  quite  a  little 
sensation  in  newspaper  circles,  in  consequence  of  the  notice  pub- 
lished in  the  Tribune,  he  desired  to  gain  a  .little  of  our  history, 
that  he  might  publish  it  in  the  Times,  as  it  was  a  little  galling  to  the 
pride  of  that  great  paper  not  to  be  up  to  the  Tribune.  "Now,  Mrs. 
Morgan,  if  you  will  be  so  kind  as  to  tell  me  who  you  are,  who  you 
was  and  who  you  expect  to  be,  providing  you  anticipate  any  change, 
how  old  you  are,  and  what  year,  month  and  day  you  was  born  in 
(I'm  not  particular  about  the  hour),  where  you  was  born,  raised  and 
educated,  where  you  married  your  present  companion ;  how  long  you 
have  lived  in  peace  and  harmony  together,  and  how  many  scions 
have  been  added  to  your  family  tree ;  what  are  their  respective  ages 
and  sex ;  from  whence  come  ye,  and  whither  do  ye  go  ?  and  any 
and  all  other  information  that  you  may  see  fit  to  add  that  you  think 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


241 


may  be  of  interest  to  the  public,  you  can  answer  the  questions  in 
your  own  way.     I  can  write  as  fast  as  a  train  can  run." 

I  felt  a  little  nervous  to  have  Clarissa  in  that  room  with  that  fel- 
low, not  that  I  didn't  have  perfect  confidence  in  her,  but  I  was 
afraid  he  would  annoy  her.  So  I  slipped  into  the  library  room  just 
in  time  to  hear  his  questions.  There  he  sat  with  a  block  of  paper 


"  READY  AND  ANXIOUS  TO  BORE  A  HOLE." 

and  pencil  in  his  hands,  the  very  picture  of  a  gimlet,  ready  and 
anxious  to  bore  a  hole.  Clarissa  sat  like  a  stone  statue  during  his 
storm  of  questions.  After  he  had  come  to  a  full  period,  Clarissa 
arose  like  a  queen  upon  her  throne,  adjusted  her  specs,  took  a 
searching  glance  at  him,  and  then  said  :  "  Mr.  Gimlet,  you  seem 
very  anxious  to  write  something;  so  you  may  write,  in  reply  to 
your  many  and  several  impudent  questions,  that  I  was  born  at  a 


242  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 

time,  and  in  a  country,  when  and  where  folks  thought  it  was  all 
they  could  do  to  mind  their  own  business,  .and  let  other  folks' 
business  alone.  The  principal  thing  I  have  learned  since  I  have  had  a 
visible  existence  in  this  world  is,  that  those  people  as  have  nothing 
else  to  do  but  to  hunt  up  other  folks'  business  and  learn  their  secrets, 
turn  out  to  be  liars,  backbiters,  slanderers  and  black-mailers.  They 
have  all  the  essential  elements  of  thorough  hypocrites,  and  I  want 
nothing  to  do  with  'em.  You  can  tell  your  newspaper  that  Mrs.  Mor- 
gan and  her  husband,  Benjamin,  are  two  people  that  mind  their  own 
business,  and  keep  their  two  noses  out  of  other  folks'  affairs.  That 
they  don't  pretend  to  be  highly  educated  and  learned  in  the  ways 
of  the  world,  but  they  manage  to  paddle  their  own  ship.  If  they 
see  fit  .to  take  an  afternoon  walk  with  a  brass  band,  it  is  their  own 
affair  and  nobody  else's.  You  are  welcome  to  this  amount  of  infor- 
mation, and  now  you  are  more  welcome  to  go  out  the  same  way 
you  come  in,"  and  she  pointed  to  the  door  with  a  firm  command  in 
her  appearance,  while  he  'gathered  himself  up  in  an  awkward  man- 
ner and  twisted  himself  out  of  the  door,  with  an  attempt  to  apolo- 
gize for  his  intrusion. 

I  felt  proud  of  her  once  more,  for  she  proved  herself  equal  to 
the  occasion.  He  had  met  with  a  Waterloo,  but  was  allowed  to  re- 
treat with  his  right  and  left  wings  badly  crippled,  while  his  main 
column  was  completely  shattered.  It  was  a  victory  of  good  com- 
mon sense  and  self-respect  over  Chicago  brass. 

The  interview  ended,  we  returned  to  the  parlor,  where  I  re- 
lated as  best  I  could,  the  encounter  and  the  result.  Mr.  Harrison 
was  wonderfully  pleased,  and  said  he  wished  every  reporter  in  the 
city  could  get  just  such  a  dose  every  time  they  met  some  one  they 
wanted  to  pump.  He  said  they  had  always  been  like  a  cancer  to 
him,  gnawing  and  gnawing  away  at  his  life  blood. 

Mr.  Wren,  who  was  talking  to  Mrs.  Harrison,  said,  "  Carter, 
you  Jiadn't  ought  to  pay  any  attention  to  'em.  They  have  buzzed 
about  me  ever  since  I  have  been  a  commissioner,  but  I  don't  pay 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  243 

any  more  attention  to  'em  than  I  do  to  so  many  mosquitoes  humming 
around  my  ears,"  and  he  shook  350  pounds  of  human  flesh  in  an 
attempt  to  laugh,  while  John  E.  Van  Pelt  said  mosquitoes  was 
dreadful  annoying,  for,  while  they  was  buzzing  around,  that  they 
was  mighty  sure  to  light  and  bite,  and  his  forced  grin  clearly  showed 
that  something  had  sucked  away  his  life  blood,  until  ninety  on  the 
scales  would  be  a  hard  thing  for  him  to  turn.  I  asked  them  if 
skeeters  was  very  thick  in  Chicago.  He  said  the  kind  we  had  in  the 
library  room  was  most  mighty  plentiful ;  he  dreaded  the  winter 
from  them  kind  more'n  he  did  the  summer  from  the  swamp  mos- 
quitoes, for  he  could  keep  the  latter  out  of  his  house  by  bars,  while  it 
was  impossible  to  keep  the  former  out  of  his  secrets  and  his  busi- 
ness transactions. 

Mr.  Harrison  said,  "  Never  mind,  John ;  don't  cry  till  you're 
hurt."  Wren  smiled  all  over,  and  said,  "  Coming  events  cast  their 
shadows  away  in  front  of  'em."  I  couldn't  understand  very  much 
what  they  was  drivin*  at,  and,  being  tired,  Clarissa  and  I  thought 
we  would  retire,  so  we  went  off  up-stairs  to  bed. 


244  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

HAT  night  there  was  a  heavy  snowstorm,  and  Monday  morn- 
ing Mr.  Harrison  had  his  private  coachman  bring  around  his 
private  sleigh,  and  they  took  us  down  to  the  City  Hall,  where 
the  great  man  left  us  with  an  au  resivoir  which  I  didn't  know  what  it 
meant,  and  the  driver  took  Mrs.  Harrison  and  the  rest  of  us  all 
around  the  city.  We  went  to  Mr.  Lincoln's  park  ,and  then  to  South 
Park,  and  then  to  Mr.  Garfield's  park,  and  we  see  more  city  than  I 
ever  dreamed  there  was, 

By  the  time  we  got  home  it  was  one  o'clock.  After  lunch  we 
was  setting  in  the  private  parlor,  when  the  door  bell  rang,  and  Mr. 
N.  G.  Rosster  presented  his  card,  with  a  request  to  see  Clarissa  and 
me.  He  was  shown  into  the  parlor,  and  although  Clarissa  hadn't 
seen  him  for  nigh  onto  a  quarter  of  a  century,  he  recognized  her  to 
once,  and  seemed  glad  to  meet  her.  After  an  introduction  to  me 
and  Mrs.  Harrison,  he  said  he  had  called  for  us  to  go  to  his  house. 

Mrs.  Harrison  seemed  sorry  to  have  us  go,  for  she  said  she  had 
enjoyed  our  visit  so  much.  She  had  been  on  the  laugh  most  of  the 
time,  and  Carter  had  said  that  he  had  felt  more  chirked  up  since  we 
come  there  than  he  had  at  any  time  since  they  arrived  here  on  their 
wedding  return,  and  urged  us  to  make  them  a  visit  on  our  return 
from  California. 

We  left  their  beautiful  Ashland  Avenue  residence  with  pleasant 
memories  of  a  delightful  visit  and  wishes  for  the  prosperity  of  the 
Harrisons,  and  the  hope  that  Chicago  would  make  him  its  mayor 
for  life. 


"  WE   WENT  TO   MR.    LINCOLN'S   PARK." 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES.  247 

Seated  in  the  magnificent  private  sleigh  of  Mr.  Rosster,  we 
drove  down  to  State  Street,  thence  south  to  his  residence.  We 
thought  we  had  seen  some  fine  houses,  but  Mr.  Rosster's  residence 
beat  anything  we  had  yet  seen.  It  was  beautiful  outside,  but  it  was 
a  perfect  marvel  of  beauty  and  richness  inside.  In  all  its  appoint, 
ments  comfort  seemed  to  have  been  the  great  aim,  and  the  mark  had 
been  hit  right  square  in  the  center. 

We  had  a  delightful  visit  in  the  afternoon,  and  in  the  evening  we 
went  to  the  opera — that  is  what  they  called  it — at  the  Chicago  Opera 
House.  The  theater  was  full.  We  had  some  preserved  seats  that 
was  kept  empty  on  purpose  for  us,  as  we  didn't  get  there  till 
pretty  late. 

Mr.  Rosster  gave  Clarissa  a  pair  of  spy-glasses,  and  told  her  to 
look  at  the  folks  on  the  stage  through  them  after  the  curtain  was 
pulled  up,  and  she  could  tell  better  how  they  looked.  Mrs.  Rosster 
had  a  pair,  too.  Then  they  bought  some  books  of  some  boys  that 
went  through  the  crowd  selling  'em.  They  called  them  librettoes. 
I  asked  him  what  he  wanted  of  them.  He  said  that  was  the  opera, 
and  by  reading  it  we  would  understand  the  play.  In  a  few  minutes 
the  curtain  pulled  up,  and  there  was  fifteen  or  twenty  men  and  wo- 
men, all  dressed  up  in  fantastics  representing  people  from  other  coun- 
tries and  in  other  times,  and  while  the  orchestra  played  furiously, 
they  all  broke  out  singing,  and  done  their  level  best  to  drown  the 
orchestra.  All  the  way  through  they  made  the  most  fearful  work 
in  trying  to  sing  I  ever  saw.  Sometimes  a  feller  would  have  his 
hand  on  his  heart,  and  then  on  his  head,  and  some  other  feller  would 
point  a  pistol  and  a  sword  at  some  one  else,  and  threaten  to  kill 
them,  and  all  the  way  through  it  was  just  a  mixedupness. 

I  tried  to  read  the  book,  and  when  I  done  that  I  couldn't  see 
'em  play,  and  when  I  looked  up  to  see  'em  play  I  lost  my  place  in 
the  book.  So  between  the  book  and  the  stage  I  got  so  mixed  up  I 
couldn't  understand  a  single  word.  I  just  wish  Melancthon  Stevens 
could  have  had  hold  of  'em  and  trained  'em ;  he'd  learned  'em  so 


248  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

they  could  sing  so  folks  could  tell  what  they  was  singing,  for  Me- 
lancthon  prides  himself  on  learning  his  pupils  to  pronounce  their 
words  while  singing,  so  folks  can  understand  them. 

After  the  show  was  out,  I  could  hear  lots  of  the  ladies  and  gen- 
tlemen say  that  it  was  "  Perfectly  splendid ;"  "  It  was  grand !"  and  I 
know  well  enough  they  was  shamming,  for  I  don't  believe  there 
was  one  in  the  house  that  knew  half  they  sung  or  said.  I  don't  want 
any  more  opera  for  me.  I'll  take  Jhe  old  fashioned  singing  school, 
with  its  do-re-me-faw-sol-la-se-do,  than  the  teedle-teedle-teedle  ; 
tidle-tidle-tidle-tidle  ;  twadle-twadle-twadle  ;  bubble-bubble-bub- 
ble ;  &uw-bum-bum,  etc. 

Clarissa  told  me,  after  we  went  to  bed,  that  she  tried  to  look 
through  them  spy-glasses,  but  her  specs  bothered  her  so  she 
couldn't  see  anything  with  them.  She  didn't  want  to  let  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Rosster  know  but  that  she  enjoyed  the  opera,  as  they  was  so 
kind  to  take  us,  but  really  it  was  tortures  to  her. 

The  next  morning  Mr.  Rosster  took  us  down  to  the  Board  of 
Trade  and  showed  us  all  through  the  building,  and  then  took  us  into 
the  Exchange  Hall,  where  all  the  buying  and  selling  is  done. 

Of  all  the  din  and  racket  and  roar  I  ever  heard,  that  place  beats 
them  all.  If  every  lunatic  in  the  State  of  New  York  was  turned 
loose  in  one  big  room  they  couldn't  make  a  worse  noise.  There  are  a 
lot  of  steps  built  up  around  an  open  space  on  the  floor,  and  they 
call  that  the  wheat  bin ;  and  then  a  little  south  of  them  is  another 
circle  of  steps  they  call  the  corn  bin,  and  west  of  the  wheat  bin  is 
another  they  call  the  pork  bin,  and  the  men  that  want  to  buy  or 
sell  wheat,  or  corn  or  pork,  get  into  these  bins,  and  on  the  steps, 
and  when  the  time  comes  to  open  the  board,  which  means  to  com- 
mence trading,  they  begin  to  yell  at  each  other  as  loud  as  they  can 
holler,  and  they'll  shake  their  hands  right  in  each  other's  faces. 
Sometimes  they'll  shake  one  finger  at  a  fellow. ;  sometimes  two  fingers, 
then  the  whole  hand,  and  sometimes  both  hands.  I  thought  they 
had  got  into  some  terrible  fuss,  and  I  told  Mr.  Rosster  that  I  guessed 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  249 

I'd  go.  "  What  for  ?  "  said  he.  "  'Cause  I  never  was  a  hand  for  a 
fight,  nohow,  in  my  life,"  I  replied.  I  thought  there  was  going  to 
be  a  tremendous  fight  sure,  but  he  explained  it  all  to  me  and  showed 
me  'how  that  when  one  fellow  hollered  to  another,  and  threw  one 
finger  out  toward  him,  he  wanted  to  sell  5,000  bushels,  and  when 
he  threw  out  two  fingers,  he  wanted  to  sell  10,000,  three  fingers, 
30,000  ;  the  whole  hand,  50,000  bushels,  and  if  the  other  fellow  held 
his  hand  toward  himself  with  the  same  fingers  up,  it  showed  he 
would  buy  the  corresponding  amounts. 

After  Mr.  Rosster  explained  the  whole  process,  I  said,  "  Well, 


"SOMETIMES  THEY'LL  SHAKE  ONE  FINGER,  SOMETIMES  TWO." 

Mr.  Rosster,  I  think  I  understand  it :  it's  just  like  that  game  them 
fellows  learned  me  on  the  train  between  Buffalo  and  Cleveland. 
They  called  it  poker.  The  fellow  that  holds  the  best  hand,  takes 
the  pot,  but  once  in  a  while  a  fellow  that  didn't  hold  any  kind  of  a 
hand,  won  the  collaterals  by  a  scheme  that  is  practiced  extensively 
in  all  departments,  called  bluff.  A  fellow  that  can  handle  the 
cards  fine,  they  tell  me,  can  so  manipulate  the  dealin'  of  'em,  as  to 
bring  the  winning  cards  into  his  own  or  his  partner's  hand.  And, 


2$O  SHAMS;     OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

so  far  as  I  can  see,  it  is  just  so  here.  A  few  shrewd,  long-headed 
fellows  have  been  operating  on  the  board  so  long  that  they  un- 
derstand just  how  to  manipulate  the  deal,  and  they  generally  take 
the  pot.  They  don't  do  it  very  often,  as  they  would  scare  away  the 
game,  but  as  often  as  the  pile  is  big  and  fat,  they  will  manage  to  call 
it  in."  Mr.  Rosster  said,  "Well,  Mr.  Morgan,  you  have  hit  it  pretty 
close ;  but  we  are  no  more  gamblers  here  than  you  farmers  are. 
You  risk  your  time,  hard  labor  and  seed  against  the  elements,  with 
the  hope  and  expectation  of  winning  a  good  crop,  and  frequently 
you  lose  it  all.  It's  a  game  of  chance  with  you,  and  so  dealing  in 
the  grain  after  it  is  raised,  is  a  game  of  chance  in  which  the  members 
of  the  Board  of  Trade  take  their  risks.  These  old  boys  that  have 
been  here  for  a  long  time,  have  grown  wealthy  ;  they  are  scientific 
shearers,  and  know  how  to  take  a  fleece  off  of  a  lamb  in  quick  time. 
Why!  all  these  elegant  residences  you  see,  riding  through  the  city, 
that  belong  to  the  Board  of  Trade  men,  and  even  this  great  costly 
temple  built  for  purposes  of  trade,  is  virtually  lambs'  wool,  for  the 
rich  fleeces  removed  from  the  tender  lambs,  have  built  them  all. 
The  successful  shearers  are  known  as  great  financial  men,  and  re- 
ceive  the  fat  of  the  land,  but  the  poor,  tender  lambs,  chilled  by  the 
frost  of  a  cold  world,  crawl  into  some  fence  corner  and  die,  and  are 
heard  of  no  more." 

After  leaving  Mr.  Rosster's  we  went  to  the  Palmer  House  to 
stay  one  night  before  we  left  the  city.  Mr.  Palmer  was  there  be- 
hind the  counter  and  seemed  dreadful  glad  to  see  us  back  again. 
The  clerk  handed  me  a  pen,  and  I  wasn't  afraid  to  step  up,  and  in 
my  best  manner  write,  "  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Benjamin  Morgan,  Morgan- 
ville,  N.  Y."  They  gave  us  one  of  their  fine  parlor  bedrooms,  on 
the  same  floor  the  dining-room  is  on.  As  we  was  about  starting  to 
our  room,  the  clerk  took  out  a  great  big  bunch  of  letters  and  looked 
them  all  through,  and  handed  me  two.  One  was  directed  to  me,  and 
one  was  to  Clarissa.  After  we  had  got  seated  in  our  room,  I  opened 
my  letter  and  read  it.  The  following  is  an  exact  copy  of  it : 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


251 


"  DEER  PA 

"  we  havunt  had  a  letter  from  yoll  sense  You  left  hum  morne  tu  weeks  ago  and  we  be- 
gin tu  feel,  Alarmed  at  your  not  writing,  Tu  us  i  got  a  paper,  called  the  Chicago  tribune, 
that  sum  wun  sent  tu  ben  brown  down  tu  the  villege  and  he  let  me  take  it,  and  i  brot  it  hum 
fur  mary  tu  read,  thay  wuz  a  long  peece  printed  in  it  about  you  and  ma,  and  the  brass  band, 
bigolly  I  wish  id  ben  thar,  fur  i  like  brass  BanDs  and  pi  bettern  ennything  and  every  buddy 
In  the  naburhud  haz  red  it  and  last  nite  when  i  wuz  down  tu  waddles  Korners,  skule  house 
tu  the  liseeum  thay  wanted  me  tu  speek  a  peece  or  reed  a  seleckshun.  so  i  red  that  peece  about 
you,  and  youd  jest  ort  tu  hav  ben  thar,  the  house  wuz  crowded  full,  and  when  I  red  that,  i 
never  hurd  such  a  rore  uv  laff  in  my  life  mary  wuz  hoppin  mad  coze  i  red  it.  and  sed  she  never 
wuld  let  me  dun  it  if  she  had  noed  i  wuz  goin  tu,  but  i  tell'd  hur  i  wuz  glad  you  had  so  much 


EBENEZER    PLUNKETT. 


fun  in  that  big  sitty.  and  i  wanted  tu  let  em  no  what  a  good  time  you  wuz  bavin,  and  make 
our  jellyus  naburs  feel  mad  a  little  while,  jim  teeters  haz  got  hiz  skrape  fixt  up,  and  got  out  uv 
Jail  and  the  methodist  church  and  hez  sold  out  hiz  grosery  tu  eb  plunkiT  whu  tuk,  Possesshun 
last  friday  and  give  mary  a  grate  big  bagful  uv  Candy  Last  Saturday  and  left  the  villege  fur 
sum  place  out  wesc  thay  say  he,  Haz  gone  tu  Chicago  and  dassent  never  cum  back  hear  fur 
fear  the  methodists  will  lick  him  and  ebeneezer  iz  having  a  good  trade  and  a  good  time  vtfith 
mary.  i'll  bet  fore  cents  tha'll  be  married  tu  each  uthur  before  you  git  hum  if  you  dont  hurry 
fur  thay  act  jest  as  if  thay'd  di  putty  soon  if  thay  wuznt,  the  hired  man  and  the  brindul  steer 


252  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

had  a  runaway  and  the  steer  got  the  best  uv  jim  and  twisted  hiz  horn  over  so  it  lops  rite  down 
over  hiz  i.  i  dont  see  how  he  did  it,  but  jim  sed  he  bellered  like  thunder  sara  smuggins 
spraned  hur  left  fut  in  the  same  place.  She  did  last  spring  slip  on  the  ice  out  by  the  pump, 
george  Waddles  haz  had  hiz  trial  and  the  juge  fined  him  3000  dollars  and  costs  and  told  him 
if  he  didnt  pay  in  ten  days  he'd  send  him  tu  sing  sing  fur  2  years,  and  you  no  that  wuld  be 
darn  tuff  on  george,  fur  he  cant  sing  a  tune  thru  rite  alone  tu  save  hiz  gizzard  and  fur  him  tu 
sing  sing  fur  tu  years  if  i  wuz  he  which  i  am  glad  i  aint,  i'd  rathur  stay  in  Jail,  pleeze  rite  tu 
us,  and  send  us  sum  more  papers,  if  they  say  sumthin  funny  about  you,  Sa.dad  dont  let 
enny  uv  them  sharpers  git  your  munny.  eb  and  i  am  both  afraid  uv  it,  he  iz  the  fraidest. 
Tell  ma  if  you  see  hur  that  i  am  awful  humsick  without  hur,  and  i  wish  she  wuz  hear,  and 
kiss  hur  fur  me  Mary  and  the  horses  are  all  rite,  you  neednt  worry  about  ennything  about 
hum,  az  i'll  take  care  uv  every  thing, 

Your  sun  Abe. 

"P.  S.  ebeneezer  jest  drove  up  and  hollered  fur  Mary  tu  cum  out  coze  he  had  a  skittish 
horse  and  culdnt  stop  longenuff  tu  git  out." 

After  I  had  read  Abe's  letter,  Clarissa  read  her'n ;  it  was  from 
Mary,  and  run  as  to  wit : 

"  MORGANVILLE,  BLANK  Co.,  N.  Y.,  Nov.  25,  1886. 

"DEAR  MA: 

"  I  don't  see  why  you  don't  write  to  me.  I  have  been  down  to  the  village  or  sent  down 
by  the  neighbors  every  day  for  the  past  week,  in  hopes  of  getting  a  letter  from  you,  but  each 
and  every  trip  has  been  rewarded  by  disappointment.  Had  it  not  been  for  the  Chicago  Trib- 
une sent  to  Mr.  Brown,  and  which  Abe  (the  idiot)  has  made  public  property  all  over  the 
county,  I  would  have  no  knowledge  of  your  whereabouts.  I  felt  provoked  at  Abe  for  read- 
ing that  article  at  the  lyceum  the  other  evening,  for  it  'made  me  real  ashamed  to  think  you  had 
become  a  show  for  the  city  of  Chicago  to  laugh  at.  I  know  it  is  not  your  fault,  but  Pa's. 
He  ought  to  have  known  better,  but  as  you  are  having  a  nice  time  to  make  up  for  it,  I  don't 
know  that  I  am  very  sorry  after  all.  I  want  your  advice  on  a  very  important  subject.  Eben- 
ezer  has  bought  out  Jim  Teeters'  store  and  taken  possession,  and  he  is  up  here  to  see  me  every 
night,  and  teasing  me  to  go  in  partnership  with  him.  He  says  he  can't  run  it  alone  success- 
fully. That  while  his  body  is  there  in  the  store,  his  head  is  down  here  with  me  all  the  time  ; 
and  if  I  would  only  go  in  partnership  with  him  right  away  and  move  down  there,  then  he  could 
have  his  head  and  body  together  in  the  store,  and  could  make  a  grand  success  in  business. 
He  says  if  I  will  go  in  with  him  he  will  furnish  all  the  capital  and  pay  the  minister  besides. 
Now,  Ma,  I  never  had  such  a  splendid  chance  to  go  into  business,  and  I  want  to  take  his 
offer.  It  is  a  life  long  partnership,  and  Eb  is  so  anxious  he  can't  wait  without  injuring  his 
trade  considerable,  and  I  don't  want  his  trade  injured,  so  I  want  to  know  if  I  hadn't  best  to 
say  yes,  and  let  him  set  the  time.  Now,  please  tell  me  I  had  better  do  so.  We  can  have  the 
celebrating  party  after  you  get  home.  I  can  get  Dolly  Doolittle  to  come  and  keep  house  for 
Abe  and  the  hired  man  until  you  get  home.  I  had  some  photographs  taken  for  Ebenezer.  I 
send  you  one.  I  had  it  taken  with  my  summer  clothes  on,  just  as  I  was  dressed  when  I 
went  to  Nancy  Boyle's  wedding.  Eb  wanted  it  that  way.  We  had  a  Thanksgiving  party 
here  last  Thursday,  and  Eb  took  Pa's  place  at  the  table,  and  they  cracked  lots  of  jokes  at  his  and 
my  expense.  I  just  felt  as  if  I  would  like  to  be  Eb's  partner,  and  feel  that  way  more'n  ever,  and 
I  wish  you  would  write  me  a  good  letter  so  I  can  show  it  to  Ebenezer.  It  will  tickle  him 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  253 

half  to  death.  Then  I  would  have  lots  of  pleasure  in  showing  him  what  a  good  nurse  I  can 
be  in  curing  him  up.  I  shall  take  it  for  granted  that  you  will  write  as  I  want  you  to,  for  you 
are  such  a  dear  good  mamma.  So  I  will  now  ask  your  advice  as  to  how  I  shall  make  my 
wedding  clothes,  and  what  to  get.  I  know  you  have  such  good  taste  in  dress,  and  then  you 
have  seen  the  folks  in  the  big  cities  and  know  how  they  dress  on  such  occasions.  I  don't 
want  anything  very  extravagant.  Pa  left  money  enough  with  me  for  all  I  want.  I  can  get 
Sarah  Smuggins  to  make  my  outside  dress,  and  I  guess  I  can  make  the  rest  of  the  things  my- 
self. Eb  says  I  needn't  get  any  furniture  or  bedclothes  for  he  will  buy  everything  we  need 
in  that  line  as  a  part  of  the  capital  stock  in  the  new  firm's  business.  I  do  need  some  new 
stockings  as  mine  are  all  worn  out,  and  I  have  darned  them  so  much  that  they  are  a  darned 
lot  to  look  at.  They  have  got  a  real  pretty  green  silk  at  Brown's  store,  I  think  would 
be  just  the  thing.  I  can  trim  it  in  cardinal  red  velvet  for  the  wedding,  and  this  winter,  and 


next  summer  I  could  take  off  the  velvet  and  put  on  black  lace,  so  it  will  do  for  my  nice  dress 
a  long  time.  I  shall  await  your  answer,  however,  before  I  buy  anything,  and  will  be  gov- 
erned by  your  advice  largely,  but  oh,  do  say  yes,  and  I'll  love  you  ever  so  much  if  you  will. 
Tell  Pa  not  to  chase  up  the  street  cars  until  he  has  tired  out  all  the  brass  band  wagons  in  the 
city,  and  that  I  love  him  still  with  all  his  failings,  for  he  is  a  dear  good  honest  and  kind 
old  Pa.  Your  loving  daughter,  MARY. 

"P.  S.     Eb  is  here  and  wants  his  love  to  you  and  Pa  put  in  this  letter,  and  here  it  is : 

"  I  luv  to  make  munny, 
I  like  my  pa  ; 


254  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 

I  luv  to  eat  hunny, 

I  luv  my  ma. 
But  I  luv  my  Mary 

And  hur  good  ma, 
More  muchly  than  'nary 

Mun'  hun'  and  Pa. 

"It's  the  dream  uv  my  life, 

A  muthur-in-law  ; 
And  Mary  for  my  wife 

With  hur  good  sweet  jaw 
To  assist  in  the  strife 

With  the  world  so  raw, 
And  brass  band,  drum  and  fife 

And  Mary's  pa,  Pa-w. 

"I've  just  bot  out  Teeters 

Munny  tu  make; 
With  Mary  and  meeters, 

Hunny  and  cake, 
We'll  ketch  the  old  skeeters, 

We're  bound  tu  take, 
We'll  show  them  two  sweeters 

That's  wide  awake. 

"  So  tu  give  us  a  start, 

A  cup  full  of  bliss 
That'll  gladden  Mary's  hart, 

Pleeze  du  say  Yis. 
And  axcept  on  my  part 

Fur  all  uv  this, 
The  esteem  uv  my  hart 

And  a  big  kiss." 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES.  255 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

§LARISSA  was  visibly  affected  by  Mary's  earnest  letter.  I 
could  see  the  rain  water  drip  off  the  end  of  her  nose  occasion- 
ally, like  sap  from  a  spile,  but  when  she  came  to  Eb's  poetry 
I  thought  she'd  just  bust,  and  when  she  had  finished  the  letter,  she 
removed  her  specs  and  wiped  her  weeping  eyes,  while  she  looked 
toward  the  ceiling  for  mansions  in  the  skies,  and  after  she  had  re- 
gained her  normal  (normal  is  a  medicated  term  and  used  only  by 
doctors,  but  I  borrow  it  for  this  particular  purpose)  condition,  she 
spoke  as  follows,  to  wit :  "  Benjamin,  you  have  heard  Mary's  letter ; 
what  do  you  think  of  it?"  I  said  I  thought  it  was  a  dumb  good 
letter,  and  I  was  awful  glad  she  had  wrote  it. 

"  But  that  haint  what  I  mean,"  she  said  ;  "  I  want  to  know  what 
you  think  about  her  request,  and  about  her  marrying  Eb  before  we 
get  home." 

"  I  don't  know  ;  what  do  you  think  ?  "  said  I. 

"  Well,  we've  known  all  along  that  that's  been  their  intentions, 
but  I  didn't  expect  they'd  want  to  marry  before  next  summer.  I  am 
surprised  at  Eb  ;  he  is  worth  more'n  I  had  any  idea,  and  he  is  smarter 
than  any  one  in  that  neighborhood,  and  his  going  into  business  in 
the  village  will  give  Mary  a  good  position  in  society  at  the  very 
start,  and  looking  it  all  over,  I  think  it's  best  to  do  as  Mary  suggests." 

I  said  I  fully  agreed  with  her,  and  that  long  ago,  and  now  since 
she  had  expressed  her  opinion,  I  was  fully  convinced  that  Mary's 
head  was  level,  and  I  asked  Clarissa  to  write  Mary  a  good  let- 
ter, and  slip  a  fifty-dollar  bill  into  it  for  her  to  buy  stockings,  with 


256  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

my  compliments  and  good  wishes  for  a  successful  trade,  but  be  sure 
to  tell  Ebenezer  to  have  nothing  to  do  with  them  hayscales  as  it  is 
a  sign  of  bad  luck,  but  to  be  honest  and  just,  and  give  down  weight 
if  he  has  to  charge  a  little  extra  for  it.  Tell  Mary  she  needn't 
worry  about  me ;  my  legs  are  good  for  a  few  more  days  in  Chicago, 
and  I  have  just  as  much  to  laugh  at  here  as  the  folks  have  to  laugh 
at  me  about.  Tell  her  I  am  the  same  honest  pa  I  always  was,  and 
the  most  honest  pa  she  ever  had. 
Clarissa  wrote  as  follows : — 

"  Palmer  House  Spare-bed-room, 
"  CHICAGO  CITY,  Nov.  28th,  1886. 
"  My  Dear  Daughter: 

I  am  glad  to  get  your  letter,  and  altho'  I  am  wonderfully  surprised  at  your  sudden  de- 
cision, and  earnest  desire,  I  am,  after  thinking  it  all  over  and  looking  at  it  in  all  its  bearings, 
satisfied  to  have  you  do  as  you  wish  to  in  the  matter.  Ebenezer  is  a  smart  young  man,  and 
I  believe  will  make  you  a  good  reliable  husband.  I  am  surprised  to  find  he  is  a  poet.  I  am 
sorry  I  have  not  time  to  write  you  a  long  letter  and  give  you  full  directions  in  all  matters 
pertaining  to  your  contemplated  partnership.  We  have  an  engagement  to  go  to  the  Theater 
with  Honorable  John  Wentworth  this  P.  M.  and  I  have  no  time  to  spare  now,  but  will  write 
again  in  a  few  days.  For  the  present  I  will  suggest  that  you  have  your  silk  dress  cut  and 
made  in  the  Queen  Ann  style.  I  see  everything  here  is  running  that  way.  They  cut  and 
build  their  houses,  and  bedsteads,  and  bureaus  and  chairs  and  looking-glass  frames  and 
dresses  and  cloaks  and  bonnets,  Queen  Ann  style.  I'll  send  you  a  book  of  Butterick's  patterns 
to  aid  you  in  selecting  your  style  of  dress.  One  thing,  don't,  under  any  circumstance,  have 
it  cut  goring,  for  that  is  all  out  of  fashion.  I  inclose  you  a  .present  from  your  pa,  a  fifty 
dollar  bill,  for  you  to  buy  stockings  and  sundry  things  to  go  into  them,  with  his  compliments 
and  good  wishes  for  your  trade.  Hoping  you  will  under  the  pressing  circumstances  of  the 
present,  excuse  my  short  letter,  I  will  close  with  these  touching  lines — 

"  I  want  you  to  love  one  and  t'other 

Bettef  than  trade  and  money  ; 
I  want  you  to  love  your  mother 

Better  than  cake  and  honey. 

"  Remember,  while  it  is  sunshine 

That  there  may  be  cloudy  days, 
And  dont  turn  love  into  moonshine 

But  be  true  in  all  your  ways. 

Your  own  Mother,  Clarissa." 

The  letters  read  and  Mary's  answered,  we  was  ready  for 
supper,  and  supper  was  ready  for  us.  As  we  entered  the  dining- 
room  we  seemed  to  be  the  observed  of  all  observers,  and  the  Afri- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


257 


can  waiters  was  awful  polite  to  us,  and  they  was  all  grinning.  Cla- 
rissa was  more  nicely  dressed  than  when  we  was  at  the  Palmer  a 
few  days  before,  as  she  had  been  into  Marsh  Field's  big  store  and 
bought  her  a  brand  new  silk  dress  ready  made.  It  was  right  in  the 
height  of  fashion.  She  got  it  at  a  bargain,  as  it  was  made  for  a 
wealthy  Board  of  Trade  man's  wife,  but  before  they  got  it  done  he 


CLARISSA'S  QUEEN  ANN  UKESS. 

had  gone  long  on  so  much  stuff,  that  he  got  short  of  cash  and  was 
completely,  teetotally,  and  now  and  forevermore  busted,  and  conse- 
quently the  dress  was  on  their  hands,  and  they  was  willing  to  sell  it. 
for  what  it  cost  to  make  it  and  throw  in  the  price  of  the  material. 
They  told  her  to  try  it  on  and  if  it  fitted,  she  might  have  it  for 
twenty-five  dollars.  She  tried  it  on  and  it  fitted  her  better  by  a  con- 
siderable sight  than  if  it  had  been  made  for  her.  It  was  black  crow 


258  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

grain  silk  and  shiny  satin.  There  was  one  thing  about  it  that  both, 
ered  Clarissa  muchly,  and  that  was  a  wire  basket  or  chicken-coop 
arrangement  in  the  back  end  of  the  skirt,  to  make  it  have  the  appear- 
ance of  a  city  lot,  narrow  in  front  but  running  back  a  good  ways. 
She  never  had  anything  of  the  kind  on  before.  She  wore  it  this 
afternoon  the  first  time,  and  when  she  sat  down  to  the  table  in  the 
dining-room,  it  took  her  as  much  as  five  minutes  to  sit  down  com- 
fortable like  without  doing  damage  to  the  rear  attachment  to  her  new 
Queen  Ann  dress.  I  don't  generally  try  to  listen  to  other  folks'  con- 
versation, but  I  couldn't  very  well  help  hearing  the  following  talk 
going  on  between  some  women  that  was  sitting  at  the  table  right 
back  of  us.  It  run  about  as  follows,  to  wit : 

"Say,  Mrs.  Blatty,  isn't  that  the  woman  that  was  here  last  week 
and  received  them  bouquets?" 

"Yes,  Mrs.  Teller,  that's  that  Benjamin  Morgan  and  his  wife, 
Clarissa,  the  Tribune  had  so  much  fun  about." 

"  She  is  considerable  dressed  up  to  what  she  was  then,"  said 
Mrs.  Smeller.  "  Yes ;  but  say,  just  look  at  that  dress  closely  and  see 
if  you  don't  believe  that  that  is  the  very  identical  dress  that  Mar- 
shall Field  &  Co.  made  for  Mrs.  Buncum." 

"  Well,  as  true  as  you  live,  it  is  the  same  one,  or  one  made  ex, 
actly  like  it." 

"  Why  didn't  Mrs.  Buncum  take  it?" 

"  Why  didn't  you  know  he  had  failed,  and  lost  every  cent  he 
had?" 

"  No,  I  hadn't  heard  of  it." 

"  Well,  it's  so,  and  he  is  so  badly  involved  that  he  can  never  re- 
cover, and  she  couldn't  pay  for  the  dress.  I  was  along  with  her 
when  she  ordered  it,  and  it  was  to  be  $200." 

"Well,  I'm  glad  of  it.  She  used  to  fly  high  and  out-do  all  of  us, 
here.  1  always  knew  she  was  a  coarse,  low-bred  thing." 

"Why,  Mrs.  Teller,  how  can  you  say  that,  when  you  and  she 
was  bosom  friends  while  they  was  boarding  here,  and  you  copied 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES.  259 

after  her  in  a  great  many  things?  I  think  she  was  a  lady  in  every 
sense  of  the  word,  and  I  am  truly  sorry  for  her,  and  I  am  going  to 
ascertain  her  whereabouts  and  call  on  her,  and  offer  what  assistance 
I  can,  without  offence." 

"  Mrs.  Porter,  I'm  glad  you  think  so  much  of  her.  I  can't  af- 
ford to  associate  with  any  one  that  haint  able  to  keep  up  to  style." 

Clarissa  had  heard  every  word,  and  her  firm  principles  of  right 
and  honesty  got  the  better  of  her  sense  of  propriety,  and  she  wheeled 
round  in  her  chair  and  addressed  the  last  lady  that  spoke,  who  hap- 
pened to  be  right  back  of  her,  as  follows :  "  Ladies,  please  excuse 
me  for  interrupting  your  conversation,  but  I  can't  sit  in  the  hearing 
of  hypocrites  without  giving  them  a  piece  of  my  reproving  mind.  I 
want  to  say  that  any  woman  that  is  not  a  natural  lady,  and  has  not 
the  essential  elements  in  her  of  true  womanhood,  can't  afford  to 
associate  with  anybody  that  can't  pr:)p  them  up  and  carry  'em  along> 
but  a  true  woman  can  not  only  afford  to  continue  to  associate  with 
her  friends  in  adversity  as  well  as  prosperity,  but  they  can  better 
afford  to  do  so  tha'i  otherwise,  for  they  elevate  themselves  to  a  higher 
position  in  their  sex,  and  reflect  more  of  the  image  of  their  Creator 
by  such  a  course  of  life.  Now,  I  don't  think  it  is  any  of  your  par- 
ticular business  where  I  got  my  dress,  so  long  as  it  is  paid  for,  and 
don't  come  out  of  you,  but  since  you  have  made  known  to  me  the 
unfortunate  lady's  circumstances,  1  shall  find  out  where  she  is  and 
send  the  dress  to  her,  with  the  compliments  of  an  honest  woman, 
who  feels  sorry  for  them  as  is  unfortunate.  I  can  afford  to  do  it» 
while  you  possibly  can  afford  to  cut  her  acquaintance.  I  don't 
know  but  you  may  be  a  millionaire,  but  one  thing  I'll  prophesy,  and 
that  is  you  will  see  poverty  before  you  die." 

If  a  camphene  lamp  had  bursted  on  that  table  it  wouldn't  have 
cleaned  them  \vomcn  out  quicker  than  Clarissa's  shot  of  burning 
words.  All  but  the  one  they  called  Mrs.  Porter  left  the  room  with 
horror  stricken  and  scornful  complexions  on  their  countenances. 
She  came  up  to  Clarissa  and  said,  "  Although  I  am  a  stranger  to 


260  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 

you,  yet  1  feel  truly  gratified  to  meet  you  as  a  representative  of  the 
true  worth  in  woman,  honesty  and  charity,  and  although  it  may 
shock  some  of  the  boarders  at  this  hotel  to  hear  such  plain  remarks, 
especially  in  the  dining-room,  it  will  do  them  some  good,  and  may 
be  the  means  of  stopping  some  of  the  backbiting  that  is  of  too  fre- 
quent occurrence.  I  shall  be  pleased  to  have  you  call  at  my  room 
No. — ,  third  floor,  before  you  leave  the  city.'  Clarissa  thanked  her 
for  her  kind  invitation,  and  said  she  would  try  to  do  so  if  she  could 
get  the  time. 

By  this  time  the  African  waiter  came  in  with  our  supper,  and 
we  paid  special  attention  to  taking  care  of  it.  I  was  pretty  hungry  ; 
in  fact,  I  am  always  hungry  when  it  comes  anywhere  near  meal 
time.  After  we  had  returned  to  our  room,  we  engaged  in  a  talk 
about  the  dining-room  episode.  I  told  Clarissa  I  was  just  on  the 
point  of  asking  that  Mrs.  Teller  if  she  wanted  to  know  where  I 
bought  my  clothes,  when  she  opened  on  them,  and  I  was  glad  she 
did  it,  but  just  as  likely  as  not  they  would  have  the  whole  affair  in 
the  paper  the  next  morning.  While  we  were  talking  the  Hon.  J. 
Wentworth  called  and  introduced  himself  to  Clarissa  by  saying,  "  I 
don't  know  but  you  may  have  forgotten  me,  as  it  has  been  a  good, 
many  years  since  I  have  seen  you,  but  I  used  to  know  your  father, 
Mr.  Amasa  Snodgrass,  intimately  when  I  was  a  young  man  in  New 
Hampshire,  and  I  knew  you  when  a  young  lady."  Clarissa  met  him 
in  a  cordial  spirit  and  said  she  remembered  him  as  well  as  though 
their  acquaintance  had  continued  up  to  yesterday,  and  in  fact,  it 
would  be  quite  impossible  for  her  to  ever  forget  such  a  long 
acquaintance. 

He  said  after  noticing  our  arrival,  he  had  recalled  her  to  mind 
and  thought  he  would  renew  the  old  acquaintance  and  also  get 
acquainted  with  Mr.  Morgan,  therefore  sent  his  card  and  invitation 
to  us  this  morning.  Clarissa  then  introduced  me  to  him. 

He  sat  down  and  for  an  hour  he  was  the  most  entertaining  gen- 
tleman I  ever  met.  He  is  quite  old  in  bod}',  but  young  and  vigor- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


26l 


ous  in  mind,  and  is  chuck  full  of  wit  and  humor.  He  gave  us  a 
complete  history  of  Chicago,  and  well  he  could,  as  he  has  been 
identified  with  its  birth  and  wonderful  growth.  His  description  of 
its  physical  and  political  growth  sounded  like  a  thrilling  novel ;  his 
reference  to  scores  of  men — whose  names  are  as  familiar  all  over 
the  United  States  as  household  words — and  a  summing  up  of  their 
hypocritical  characters,  made  me  feel  that  the  great  Chicago  was 
born  in  sin  (of  poor  parents  that  was  naturally  well-meaning  but 


"BECAUSE   IT'S   THE   ONLY    BUILDING   I    KNOW    OF    IN   THE   CITY   THAT   HAINT   GOT  A 
MORTGAGE   ON    IT." 

wanted  to  make  money  so  bad  that  they  had  left  their  honest  clothes 
back  yonder  where  they  came  from)  and  was  cradled  in  iniquity, 
but  when  it  got  strong  enough  to  get  out  of  its  cradle  and  go  alone, 
it  had  become  better,  and  had  been  growing  better  ever  since,  until 
now  it  was  full  as  good  as  some  of  its  neighbors,  especially  Cincin- 
nati, and  New  York. 


262  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

He  told  us  that  Chicago  was  a  good  deal  like  an  animal  that 
once  in  about  so  often,  when  its  coat  of  corruption  got  too  long  and 
had  a  strong  odor,  would  shake  itself  and  shed  it,  and  come  out 
with  a  clean,  slick  coat.  It  done  this  when  the  Colvin  government 
had  become  a  sickening  sight  to  honest  people.  "  And,"  said  he,  "  I 
prophesy  that  about  next  spring  she'll  shed  her  coat  again,  for  Har- 
risonism  is  getting  to  smell  pretty  loud." 

If  1  had  time  I  could  make  quite  a  book  on  the  play  of  "  high- 
spy  "  by  Chicago  politicians,  from  what  little  I  have  heard  since  I've 
been  here,  but  it  wouldn't  be  new  nor  interesting,  as  everybody 
knows  all  about  it,  lor  what  the  Tribune  don't  tell  on  one  side  the 
Times  does;  so,  after  all  this  city  is  a  good  deal  like  a  Christian 
ought  to  be,  "read  and  known  of  all  men." 

As  the  little  clock  on  the  mantel  struck  quarter  to  eight,  Mr. 
Wentworth  said  it  was  time  to  go.  We  went  to  the  Grand,  right 
opposite  the  Court  House  and  City  Hall.  As  we  were  passing  in 
front  of  the  courthouse  Mr.  Wentworth  said  that  was  the  greatest 
curiosity  in  the  city,  pointing  to  it.  I  asked  him  how  so?  He  said, 
"  Because  it's  the  only  building  I  know  of  in  the  city  that  haint  got 
a  mortgage  on  it."  I  told  him  he  must  be  trying  to  sell  us  some 
cod,  or  mackerel,  but  I  didn't  take  it  in. 

We  went  into  the  theater  and  had  some  nice  seats  in  the  front 
row  in  the  first  balcony.  That  night  we  took  the  biggest  trip  that's 
recorded  in  the  pages  of  history,  either  sacred  or  profane.  We  went 
round  the  world  in  eighty  days.  The  coolest  man  I  ever  met  in  my 
life  was  that  ar  Phineas  Fogg.  I  suggested  to  Mr.  Wentworth  that 
they  ought  to  elect  him  for  Mayor  of  Chicago ;  I  believe  he'd  clean 
out  them  anarchists  completely.  When  the  party  was  coming  east 
from  San  Francisco  on  the  Union  Pacific  Railroad,  and  got  into 
them  robbers'  gang  and  Indians,  it  made  Clarissa  a  little  nervous, 
and  she  said  she  was  almost  afraid  to  go  over  that  road  ;  but  Mr. 
Wentworth  assured  her  that  that  was  only  in  the  play.  A  novel 
couldn't  be  got  up  without  having  all  the  circumstances  just  right 


EXPERIENCE    WITH    HYPOCRITES.  263 

to  show  off  the  hero  or  heroine,  or  both,  in  the  strongest  light,  and  if 
the  circumstances  never  did  exist,  the  writer  had  to  make  them 
exist,  and  right  there  lay  the  strength  and  power  of  our  great 
writers — the  ability  to  create  what  never  did  and  in  all  human  prob- 
abilities never  could,  exist.  That's  the  reason  Charles  Dickens  is  so 
great,  and  one  reason  why  he  went  home  disgusted  with  America 
on  his  first  visit,  was  that  he  found  his  extreme  ideas  more  nearly 
realized  here  than  he  thought  they  could  be  in  any  country,  and 
xvhen  he  wrote  his  next  book  'twas  harder  work  for  him  to  make 
new  characters  and  new  circumstances ;  that's  what  ailed  Charles 
Reade,  and  a  host  of  others. 

Clarissa  regained  her  usual  calm  habit  after  his  explanation. 
The  trip  completed,  the  money  won,  and  the  curtain  dropped,  we 
went  home,  bidding  good-night  in  the  ofHce  of  the  Palmer  House  to 
the  greatest  man  by  some  inches,  that  Chicago  can  lay  claim  to  as 
her  own. 

We  ascended  the  grand  marble  stairs  to  the  parlor  floor  and 
wended  our  way  to  the  spare  bedroom  we  occupied.  The  next  day 
we  visited  the  Home  of  the  Friendless,  the  Public  Library,  the 
Battle  of  Shiloh,  the  Fat  Cattle  Show,  the  Chicago  Waterworks, 
and  called  on  some  old  friends  we  had  run  across.  All  of  which  we 
have  not  time  to  speak  of,  as  the  train  we  want  to  go  on  leaves  at 
10:20  A.  M.  to-morrow  morning. 

By  the  time  we  reached  the  Palmer  it  was  6  o'clock  in  the  even- 
ing, and  we  was  considerably  wearied,  if  not  more  so.  But  an  hour 
in  the  supper  room  and  the  grand  meal  we  ate  rested  us  so  that  after 
supper  we  went  down  to  the  "  Entre  Sol "  and  sat  in  the  little  bal- 
cony and  watched  the  moving,  restless  crowd  in  the  office  room. 
We  had  not  been  sitting  there  long  'till  we  saw  'Squire  B.  B.  Bigler 
and  Jim  Teeters  walk  in  from  the  State  Street  entrance,  and  go  up 
to  the  counter  and  register.  Teeters  had  a  satchel  and  a  plug  hat 
on,  and  evidently  had  just  arrived,  but  Bigler  didn't  have  any,  and 
kinder  acted  as  though  he'd  been  in  there  before.  I  kinder  thought 


264 


SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 


I'd  like  to  find  out  about  things  at  home,  and  know  something  about 
what  they  were  here  for,  so  I  hollered  out,  'Squire  Bigler.  I  hol- 
lered three  times  before  he  looked  up,  but  the  whole  crowd  looked 
up  as  if  they  was  surprised,  but  I  didn't  care  for  that ;  1  was  too 
tired  to  go  down  there,  and  I  wanted  him  to  come  up.  When  I  got 
his  attention  he  seemed  wonderfully  pleased,  and  he  and  Teeters 
come  up  where  we  was.  He  shook  hands  with  me  and  Clarissa  as 
if  he  was  our  son,  and  said  he  had  been  trying  to  find  us  ever  since 
he  read  in  the  Tribune  about  our  arrival.  He  said  he  had  been  in 
Chicago  pretty  nigh  a  month.  He  come  here  right  froni  our  neigh. 


"I   HOLLERED    "SQUIRE   BIGLER." 

borhood.  He  said  his  defeat  in  the  election  last  fall  was  just  the 
best  thing  that  ever  happened  to  him,  for  now  he  had  got  a  position 
as  assistant  to  the  general  solicitor  of  one  of  the  largest  railroads 
that  runs  from  Chicago  westward.  He  gets  good  pay,  and  a  chance 
to  make  considerable  outside,  and  already  he  had  got  a  big  deal  on 
hand  for  three  or  four  silver  mines  in  Colorado,  and  if  he  made  the 
deals  he  would  clear  $150,000. 

He  was  awful  glad  to  see  us,  and  wanted  us  to  come  and  see 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  265 

him  before  we  left,  but  we  told  him  we  was  going  to  leave  in  the 
morning.  He  told  us  if  we  went  to  Denver  to  be  sure  to  stop  at 
the  St.  James  Hotel,  and  he  would  be  very  apt  to  meet  us  there 
as  he  was  going  out  there  the  latter  part  of  next  week.  He  hadn't 
sent  for  his  wife  yet,  as  he  was  waiting  to  get  a  house  to  move  into, 
that  he  had  the  promise  of. 

Teeters  came  up  and  shook  hands  with  us,  and  took  a  seat  and 
waited  till  Bigler  got  through  before  he  said  anything.  He  looked 
and  acted  cheap  enough.  He  told  us  all  about  things  around  the 
village,  and  about  selling  out,  and  said  he  left  there  yesterday  morn- 
ing, and  had  just  come  in.  He  said  Waddles  had  got  out  of  jail,  but 
had  to  pay  about  $1,875  an<3  costs;  he  was  now  trying  to  sell  out, 
and  if  he  succeeded  he  was  going  to  move  to  Chicago. 

After  Clarissa  and  I  went  to  bed  I  told  her  that  I  didn't  wonder  at 
what  Mr.  Went  worth  said  about  the  city  in  its  early  days.  If  three 
such  men  as  Waddles,  Teeters  and  Bigler  should  move  to  Chicago 
from  every  neighborhood  in  the  United  States  it  would  be  the  largest 
city  in  the  world,  and  the  most  hypocritical.  It  was  a  good  thing 
there  was  honest  women  and  mothers  here,  and  that  children  was 
born  regularly  every  year,  otherwise  it  would  perish  from  the  face 
of  the  earth.  One  thing  I  am  glad  on,  that  is  my  reasoning  is  not 
true  in  facts,  for  where  one  swindler  moves  to  this  city,  five  good, 
likely,  well-meaning  and  honest  people  come  along  to  keep  them 
down. 

Clarissa  signified  a  desire  on  her  part  for  me  to  shut  my  mouth 
and  go  to  sleep,  so  she  could  sleep  and  rest.  As  her  desire  is  law 
to  me,  I  at  once  obeyed. 

The  usual  roar  and  rattle  of  wagons  and  the  endless  cry  of  the 
newsboys  awoke  us  at  an  early  hour,  and  Clarissa  packed  our  things 
and  had  everything  ready  for  us  to  leave  before  we  went  to 
breakfast. 


266  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

iFTER  breakfast  we  had  our  baggage  taken  to  the  Chicago  & 
Northwestern  Railway' depot,  and  after  urging  Mr.  Palmer  to 
make  it  convenient  to  make  us  a  visit  if  he  ever  come  our 
way,  we  bid  him  and  his  smart  young  clerks  good-by  and  walked 
over  to  the  depot.  We  preferred  to  walk  so  we  could  step  into 
Mr.  Harrison's  office  on  our  way  and  bid  him  good-by.  We  found 
Mr.  Harrison  in,  and  as  he  shook  our  hands  cordially  he  urged  us 
to  return  via  Chicago  and  give  him  a  visit,  so  he  might  know  how 
we  got  along.  We  expressed  our  gratitude  for  his  kind  treatment 
and  attention,  and  told  him  if  ever  he  came  to  the  village,  although 
I  wasn't  its  mayor — for  two  reasons,  first,  the  village  wasn't  big 
enough  to  have  a  mayor,  and  second,  I  lived  eight  or  ten  miles  out 
of  it — I  would  do  all  in  my  power  to  return  his  kindness.  We  walked 
on  to  the  depot.  We  got  there  about  twenty  minutes  before  the 
train  left,  and  I  had  plenty  of  time  to  get  my  baggage  checked. 

We  finally  got  on  the  train,  and  I  secured  two  down-stair  bed- 
rooms in  the  sleeping  car,  right  opposite  each  other.  I  had  made 
up  my  mind  to  get  as  good  accommodations  for  Clarissa  on  the 
whole  of  this  trip  as  I  could,  whether  Ketchem,  Holdem  & 
Skinem  paid  it  or  not,  as  it  would,  in  all  probability,  be  the  last 
trip  of  the  kind  we  would  ever  take. 

As  the  train  pulled  out  of  the  depot  and  we  were  leaving  the 
city  of  Chicago,  I  felt  a  pang  of  regret,  as  we  had  passed  several 
days,  with  the  exception  of  the  first,  most  pleasantly  within  its  lim- 
its. It  had  been  both  a  school  and  playhouse  for  us.  We  was  con- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  267 

stantly  learning  something  new,  and  being  amused  at  the  same  time. 
The  fact  that  we  two  green  country  folks  had,  at  the  very  outstart 
of  our  great  Western  trip,  visited  the  greatest  city  on  the  American 
Continent,  had  met  many  of  its  most  prominent  citizens  and  been 
received  by  them  in  a  most  cordial  and  friendly  manner,  made  our 
departure  in  one  sense  regretful. 

I  am  well  satisfied,  although  unacquainted  personally  with  other 
cities,  that  for  push,  vigorous  prosecution  of  business,  friendly  feel- 
ing, and  power  to  manage  its  own  affairs,  ability  to  rise  above  all 
disasters  and  obstacles,  nerve  and  pluck,  it  is  the  greatest  city  in 
America,  and  it's  only  a  question  of  time  when  she  will  be  the  great- 
est in  population,  as  she  has  got  plenty  of  room  to  grow.  I  am 
fully  satisfied  that  Jim  Teeters'  project  of  hiring  the  river  there  and 
shedding  it  over  for  bathhouses  won't  work  worth  a  cent,  for  three 
reasons  :  First,  he'll  never  have  money  enough  to  do  it ;  second,  he 
never  can  get  the  water  clean  enough  and  smell  sweet  enough  to 
answer  the  purpose,  and  third,  almost  every  house  has  got  a  bath- 
tub in  it,  and  the  folks  you  meet  on  the  street  are  as  clean  a  looking 
lot  as  can  be  found  anywhere. 

Clarissa  had  provided  herself  with  some  good  books  to  read  on 
the  way,  and  -after  we  was  well  out  of  the  city  she  brought  out  a 
book  from  her  satchel  called  "Shadows  of  the  Future."  I  asked  her 
where  she  got  it.  She  told  me  Mr.  Harrison  give  it  to  her  and 
told  her  he  studied  it  considerable,  and  as  he  knew  it  pretty  nigh  by 
heart  he  could  spare  it  as  well  as  not.  Nothing  worth  noting  took 
place  during  the  day  until  we  arrived  at  Boone,  where  our  train  was 
detained  about  ten  hours  on  account  of  an  accident  on  the  road 
ahead  of  us.  We  walked  around  the  towi  and  dropped  into  several 
stores  and  other  places,  and  found  a  thriving,  wide-awake  town,  with 
some  large  business  houses.  Doctors  and  drugstores  seemed  to  be 
the  most  numerous,  and  seemed  to  have  the  most  to  do.  The  fur- 
niture dealer  and  undertaker  seemed  to  have  the  next  best  business. 
I  talked  with  one  or  two  lawyers.  They  said  business  was  a  good 


268  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE  BEN'S 

deal  better  since  the  State  had  passed  a  law  known  as  the  Pharmacy 
Act  They  had  a  chance  to  work  up  all  the  business  they  wanted 
If  they  didn't  get  it  one  way  they  could  make  it  another.  I  met  a 
lawyer  there  that  knew  Squire  Bigler  intimately.  We  didn't  disa- 
gree in  our  opinion  of  him.  We  went  into  the  Wells  House  and 
found  one  of  the  most  complete  taverns  I  ever  saw.  The  landlord 
saw  we  was  strangers,  and  asked  us  who  we  was,  etc.  Of  course  I 
knew  he  didn't  want  to  pry  into  our  private  affairs,  but  still  I  saw  he 
had  a  sort  of  a  lingering,  longing,  gnawing  appetite,  that  most  all 
tavern  keepers  have,  to  know  who  you  be?  where  you  come  from? 
where  are  you  going?  how  long  are  you  going  to  stop  with  me? 
how  much  money  have  you  got,  and  how  much  of  it  can  I  get?  So 
I  told  him  my  name  was  Uncle  Benjamin  Morgan,  of  Morganville, 
Blank  County.  New  York,  and  this  here  woman  was  my  wife, 
Clarissa ;  that  if  he  took  the  Chicago  Tribune  he  had  heard  of  us ; 
that  we  was  on  our  way  to  California,  was  blocked  here  by  a  acci- 
dent on  the  road  ahead  of  us,  and  we  thought  we'd  look  around  a 
little.  He  was  awful  polite  to  us,  and  showed  us  all  around,  and 
then  insisted  on  our  taking  dinner  with  him,  which  we  did.  When 
we  come  out  into  the  office  we  noticed  hanging  on  the  walls  in  a 
gilt  frame,  the  following  : 

"DIRECTORY  FOR  THE  USE  OF  TIRED,  WEARY  AND  SICK  FOLKS. 

"  If  you  wish  a  doctor  in  Boone  to  find, 
The  first  in  the  block  is  Dock  Ensign  ; 
Next  below  according  to  our  plan, 
Is  our  railroad  doctor,  Alleman  ; 
Go  up  the  next  stairway  not  fearing, 
And  you'll  find  within  Dr.  Deering. 
Then  comes  the  one  on  which  we  wager, 
The  jolly  good  Doctor  Stockslager  ; 
Continuing  on,  the  next  below 
Is  the  ladies'  favorite,  Doctor  Rowe  ; 
And  in  the  same  room  without  a  jar, 
Dwells  the  scientific  Dock  DeTarr  ; 
Within  the  next  four  walls'  inclosure 
Is  to  be  found  the  oldest,  Moser; 
But  if  little  pills  you  are  stuck  on, 
At  the  next  door  you'll  find  Huntington. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 

"  With  drugstores  all  of  which  are  alive, 

Our  city  is  blest  with  numbers  five  ; 

The  first  that  keeps  stuff  colic  to  squelch, 

Is  owned  and  operated  by  Welsh  ; 

The  next  across  the  way  you  peek  in, 

Is  J.  Peterson  and  McMechin  ; 

The  next,  where  you  can  stop  your  wailin' 

Belongs  to  one  Henry  Thormalin  ; 

As  you  go  down,  not  very  far. 

Is  the  establishment  of  DeTarr  ; 


269 


WELLS   HOUSE. 

Step  across  the  street  and  walk  in 

To  the  store  of  Draper  &  Laughlin  ; 

When  through  with  doctors  and  druggists,  you  lie 

On  your  sick  bed,  waiting  to  die, 

You  want  a  coffin  to  hold  your  arms, 

You  can  get  what  you  want,  at  G.  W.  Barnes. 

"  BUT  IF  YOU   TAKE  YOUR   MEALS  AT  THE  WELLS    HOUSE,"YOU 
WILL   HAVE   NO   USE   FOR   EITHER   OF  THE  ABOVE." 

I  merely  introduce  the  above  directory  to  show  the  novelty  and 


270  SHAMS;  OR,  U.\CLE  BE.N'S 

ingenuity  of  Western  men  ;  every  man,  woman  and  child  in  Morgan- 
ville,  Blank  County,  New  York,  or  down  to  the  village  would  have 
died,  buried  themselves,  been  resurrected,  brought  before  the  Judge 
and  received  final  sentence  before  they'd  ever  thought  of  such  a 
scheme  to  get  folks  to  eat  at  their  tavern,  but  these  Westerners  are 
right  up  to  the  front  in  everything,  while  we  old  fogies  down  on  our 
little  potato  patches,  grubbing  along  with  old  dull  hoes,  don't  know 
half  as  much  as  we  ought  to.  I  shall  always  remember  the  village  of 
Boone,  w.th  its  doctors,  drugstores  and  magnificent  hotels.  Our 
train  was  ready  to  start  and  we  was  aboard  and  ready,  and  we  shook 
the  dust  of  Boone  off  of  our  car  wheels  as  we  made  a  dive  for  the 
Des  Moines  River  at  a  fearful  down  grade  rush,  and  climbed  out  of 
its  valley  at  equally  as  hard  a  grade  on  the  opposite  side. 

As  we  pass  through  the  State  of  Iowa  one  cannot  help  being 
impressed  with  its  beauty,  although  November  is  not  a  favorable 
season  of  the  year  to  see  beauty  in  landscape.  Yet  its  undulating 
surface,  with  broad  prairies  and  numerous  streams,  makes  it  look 
beautiful,  even  in  the  bleak  and  desolate  November.  1  learned  that 
Iowa  derives  its  name  from  the  Indians,  and  in  their  language  it 
means  "  the  beautiful  land."  It  was  originally  part  of  the  large 
territory  of  Louisiana,  ceded  to  the  United  States  in  1803.  The 
first  white  man  that  settled  within  its  borders  was  Julian  Dubuque, 
a  Canadian  Frenchman,  who  in  1788  got  a  grant  of  a  big  tract,  in- 
cluding the  present  city  of  Dubuque  and  the  rich  mineral  lands 
nigh  to  it.  It  was  admitted  as  a  State  into  the  Union  December  28, 
1846.  The  first  Constitution  was  adopted  Augusts,  l857-  Every 
lowan  brags  about  his  State  unless  he  is  in  the  liquor  business, 
either  as  a  buyer  and  consumer,  or  as  a  seller.  Then  he  curses  it. 
We  passed  the  two  Missis  in  the  night,  therefore  I  am  unable 
to  tell  how  they  looked  or  describe  their  winter  clothes,  but  they 
tell  me  that  Sippy  is  more  graceful  and  has  a  cleaner  complexion 
than  "  Soury."  I  know  the  bridge  over  Soury  is  a  wonderful 
structure  of  iron,  supported  by  monstrous  great  iron  pins  that  go 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


271 


right  down  into  Soury's  bosom,  and  I'm  told  by  some  people  that 
got  on  at  Omaha  that  them  iron  pegs  go  clean  through  Soury  and 
fasten  themselves  upon  her  grandparent  called  sub-strata,  but  I 
don't  pretend  to  believe  all  I  hear  these  Omaha  folks  say,  for  all  of 
'em  that  got  on  our  train  tell  such  big  stories  that  they  smell  fishy. 
For  instance,  out  of  the  ten  Omahaians  that  come  into  our  car  at 
that  city  there  was  only  one  that  didn't  tell  some  whopper  about 
Omaha,  and  he  seemed  kind  and  didn't  speak  a  word  during  the  whole 


"  UNLESS   HE   IS   IN   THE   LIQUOR    BUSINESS,    THEN   HE   CUSSES   IT." 

day  we  was  spinning  along  on  the  Union  Pacific,  and  such  state- 
ments as  these  was  the  burden  of  their  remarks:  "  Yes,  sir;  Tom, 
I  tell  you  that  Omaha  in  ten  years  from  now  will  be  a  bigger  city 
than  Chicago."  "  Well  now,  Bill,  you  just  bet  your  bottom  dollar 
she  will.  You  know  that  Phil  Armour  is  going  to  move  his  pack- 
ing houses  here  from  Chicago,  and  that  will  double  her  in  less  'an 
five  years.  I  just  wish  them  are  Eastern  strikers  would  just  go 


2/2  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

ahead  with  their  strikes,  for  just  as  fast  as  they  do  the  manufact- 
urers will  just  close  up  their  establishments  and  find  a  location  out 
West  to  move  to,  and  I'm  just  tellin'  you,  boys,  that  if  we  work  our 
pins  right,  we  can  get  every  one  of  'em  to  Omaha." 

"Now  you're  shouting,  old  boy;  why  last  week  Studebaker, 
from  South  Bend,  Indiana,  was  in  Omaha  trying  to  buy  seventy-five 
acres  of  land  to  move  his  big  wagon  factory  on  ;  he  went  and  looked 
at  the  land  down  on  the  flats,  and  to-day  you  can't  buy  a  lot  40x120 
down  there  within  half  a  mile  of  the  piece  he  looked  at  for  less  than 
five  hundred  dollars,  and  two  weeks  ago  they  would  have  been 
dumb  glad  to  sold  'em  at  five  dollars  apiece  ;  why,  I've  got  two  lots 
right  opposite  the  Cuzzins'  House  that  I  tried  to  sell  a  year  ago  at 
$I,OOQ,  and  to-day  I  wouldn't  thank  a  man  to  offer  me  less  than 
$75,000  for  'em." 

"  Well !  George,  my  advice  to  you  is  not  to  sell  "em  for  any 
such  money  as  that.  You  just  hang  onto  them  and  in  ten  years 
from  now,  with  the  present  rapid  growth  of  our  king  city,  they'll 
make  you  a  clean  half  a  million." 

"  I  believe  you,  Ben,  and  I  guess  I'll  hang." 

"  There  is  one  thing,  boys,  you  haint  mentioned  yet,"  said  a  big 
bushy-headed  fellow  that  had  been  silent  up  to  the  present,  "and 
it's  a  very  significant  indication  of  Omaha's  wonderful  future,  and 
that  is  this,  Colonel  Sellers  is  down  in  Kentucky  organizing  a  col- 
ony of  rich  Kentucks,  and  is  going  to  bring  them  up  to  Omaha,  and 
go  out  to  the  northwest  part  of  the  city  and  build  a  large  addition. 
They  will  go  into  various  kinds  of  manufacturing  business,  and  that 
alone  will  double  Omaha  in  less  than  one  year.  I  received  a  letter 
from  the  Colonel  last  week,  in  which  he  states  that  everything  is  all 
ready,  and  the  organization  is  complete  except  one  thing,  and  that 
is  the  signing  of  the  articles  of  agreement.  That  just  as  soon  as 
the  parties  have  all  signed  they  will  make  immediate  preparations 
to  move,  that  he  expects  to  have  all  the  signatures  within  two  or 
three  days.  Why,  everybody  over  in  Council  Bluffs  is  putting  run- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


273 


ners  under  their  houses,  and  just  as  soon  as  the  river  is  frozen  over 
solid,  you'll  see  more  Council  Bluffs'  residents  sliding  over  to  Omaha 
than  there  are  bees  in  a  hive." 

The  remarks  of  the  last  gentleman  seemed  to  be  the  Bartholdi 
story  of  the  party.  A  dead  lull  seemed  to  rest  upon  us  all.  I  had 
become  so  interested  in  their  descriptions  of  the  future  of  Omaha, 
that  the  suspense  caused  by  this  lull  was  more'n  I  could  bear,  so  I 
went  over  and  set  down  beside  the  man  that  had  not  thus  far  uttered 
a  word,  and  I  spoke  in  a  quiet  way  to  him  so  as  not  to  attract  too 
much  attention,  and  asked  him  if  he  could  give  me  a  correct  idea  of 


OMAHA    WITH    COLONEL    SELLERS     ADDITION. 


the  size  of  Omaha,  its  population,  facilities  and  future  prospects. 
He  turned  his  face  to  me,  and  with  a  grin  that  closely  resembled  a 
cross  between  that  of  a  monkey  and  a  son  of  the  lost  tribe  of  Israel 
shook  his  head  and  give  me  to  understand  that  he  did  not  under- 
stand me,  when  I  repeated  my  question  more  clearly  and  in  a  louder 
voice,  and  in  reply  received  the  same  shake  of  the  head,  and  the 
same  idiotic  smile.  I  repeated  the  question  four  times,  increasing 
the  power  of  vocalization  each  succeeding  time,  when  one  of  the 
gentlemen  in  the  party  said,  as  he  spoke  between  his  laughs,  "Ha, 
ha,  ha;  say,  he,  he,  he,  stranger,  ho,  ho,  ho,  that  ar feller,  hu,  hu,  hu, 
is  deaf  and  dumb.  Wha,  wha,  wha." 

I  said,  "  Thanks"  and  I  said  to  Clarissa  when  I  returned  to  our 


2/4 


SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEX'S 


seat,  "  God  bless  Oma/ia."  "  What  for?"  she  nsked.  "  Why,"  said 
I,  "  she  has  got  one  cit.izen  that  can't  lie  !  That  fellow  over  there  is 
deaf  and  dumb." 

The  fellow  that  told  the  Bartholdi  story  overheard  my  remark 
and  said,  "Stranger,  perhaps  you  don't  believe  what  we  have  said 
concerning  Omaha,  and  I  am  not  surprised  at  all,  as  I  can  scarcely 
believe  it  myself."  I  said,  "  t  thought  so  when  I  heard  you."  "  Wait 


THE    FELLOW    THAT    COULDN  T    LIE. 


till  I  finish   my  remarks,"  said   he,  "  but  I  know  it  is  just  as  I  have 
stated." 

"  Well."  said  I,  "  I  am  surprised  that  we  folks  back  in  New  York 
Stale  haven't  heard  of  your  wonderful  city.  I  remember  rending 
about  Omaha  in  our  village  paper  about  twenty  vears  ago,  as  a 
pioneer  village  where  the  Union  Pacific  Railroad  started  from,  but  I 
hadn't  any  idea  before  now  that  the  sun  rose  in  a  town  on  the  Mis- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  275 

souri  River,  or  that  it  had  its  golden  bed  there,  but  I  don't  know 
much  about  geography,  and  if  Clarissa  says  it  is  so,  I'll  believe  it," 
and  I  turned  to  Clarissa  and  asked  her  how  it  was. 

She  replied  with  considerable  indignification  "  that  the  sun 
didn't  rise  nor  set  in  any  town,  city  or  countrv."  She  said  she  Ivd 
very  often  heard  of  Omaha,  but  she  didn't  think  it  had  any  such  a 
wonderful  future  before  it,  for  if  it  had,  Carter  Harrison  would  have 
said  something  about  it,  and  would;  in  all  probability,  be  figuring 
on  his  prospects  of  being  its  mayor  some  future  day,  after  he  has 
got  Chicago  on  a  good  social  and  financial  basis.  She  might,  how- 
ever, discover  something  in  her  book  of  "  Shadows  of  the  Future." 
She  hadn't  read  but  a  few  pages  yet.  If  she  did,  she  would  call  my 
attention  to  it. 

The  Omaha  gentlemen  soon  after  arranged  themselves  into  card 
parties  and  went  to  playing  for  fun,  to  pass  away  the  time.  They 
asked  me  to  take  a  hand  with  them,  but  .1  told  them  I  didn't  know 
anything  about  cards,  and  didn't  want  to,  but  that  I  didn't  have  any 
objections  to  Omaha  making  millions  and  having  all  the  fun  they 
wanted  ;  for  which  they  thanked  me.  The  remainder  of  the  trip, 
until  we  arrived  at  Cheyenne,  was  rather  dry  and  monotonous 
within  the  cars  and  still  more  monotonous  and  unint  resting  with- 
out. The  broad  plains,  shorn  of  every  evidence  of  vegetation, 
seemed  like  an  immense  corpse,  while,  the  whistling,  chilly  wind 
sounded  like  a  funeral  requiem.  Before  arriving  at  Cheyenne,  I 
told  the  conductor  that  I'd  like  a  lay  off  check  for  a  few  days,  as  we 
wanted  to  go  down  through  Colorado. 

We  left  Cheyenne  on  the  afternoon  train  on  the  Denver  Road 
and  arrived  in  Denver  in  the  evening.  When  the  conductor  called 
on  me  for  tickets,  I  handed  him  what  I  got  in  Syracuse,  and  he  s  Vd 
that  was  no  good  to  him  ;  there  was  nothing  among  them  that  enti- 
tled me  to  ride  on  his  road.  Then  I  pulled  out  the  r.dvertisemcnt 
and  showed  it  to  him.  He  smiled  and  shook  his  head,  and  said  that 
he  had  quite  a  number  on  his  trains  during  the  past  ten  days,  in  the 


276  SHAMS  ;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

same  fix.  That  I  would  have  to  pay  my  fare  on  his  road  ;  that  he 
would  give  me  a  receipt  for  the  amount  I  paid  him,  and  I  could  pre- 
sen.t  it  to  the  company's  office  in  San  Francisco,  and  would  no  doubt 
draw  it  back,  if  the  company  was  good  for  it.  "Another  Christian 
act !"  I  remarked.  I  paid  him,  or  rather  Clarissa  paid  him  (for 
she  had  the  money). 

When  we  arrived  in  Denver  we  went  to  the  St.  James  Hotel, 
•and  after  supper,  which  was  about  nine  o'clock,  Clarissa  went  to 
her  room  which  was  a  front  bedroom  on  the  third  floor,  and  I  went 
out  into  the  office  to  sit  down  a  few  minutes.  I  am  not  as  quick 
about  learning  new  things  as  some,  but  I  am  gradually,  as  the  boys 
say,  "gettin'  onto  'em."  Clarissa  has  instructed  me  in  the  use  of 
kindlin'  wood,  and  now  I  can  take  a  double  handful  of  the  little 
splinters  and  sit  down  in  a  hotel  office  and  jab  my  teeth  with  'em 
and  throw  them  around  on  the  floor  with  pretty  nigh  as  good  grace 
and  style  as  the  average  high  toned  boarder. 

I  was  sitting  in  the  office  of  the  St.  James,  my  feet  braced  against 
the  window  casing,  and  leaning  back  in  a  comfortable  old-fashioned 
splint-bottomed  arm  chair,  and  scattering  the  broken  wood  picks  to 
the  right  and  left  in  a  professional  manner,  and  thinking  about  what 
a  wonderful  traveler  Uncle  Ben  was  getting  to  be,  and  what  sights 
he  had  seen,  and  what  stories  he  would  be  able  to  tell  the  folks 
down  around  Morganville  and  the  village — the  biggest  story  of  the 
lot  I  could  tell  'em,  as  things  run  in  my  mind,  being  the  Omaha 
boom,  when  some  one  slapped  me  on  the  shoulder,  and  said,  "Uncle 
Ben,  how  are  you?"  Whether  it  was  the  suddenness  of  the  shock, 
which  seemed  to  electrify  me,  or  the  slipping  of  my  chair,  that 
caused  me  to  double  up.  like  a  jack-knife  and  plant  my  seat  of  gov- 
ernment on  the  floor,  with  a  dull  thud,  while  head,  heels  and  arms 
were  confusedly  mixed  with  the  arm-chair,  I  am  at  present  unable 
to  tell,  but  upon  recovering  a  position  becoming  to  one  of  my  years, 
I  confronted  the  form  and  person  of  Squire  Bigler,  who  seemed 
delighted  to  see  me  and  begged  my  pardon  for  the  accident,  of  which 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES. 


277 


he  had  been  the  innocent  cause.  He  drew  up  his  chair  and  both  of 
us  being  seated  in  a  sensible  manner,  he  went  on  to  tell  me  when  he 
come  in,  and  his  plans,  etc. 

Said  he,  "Uncle  Ben,  you  know  what  I  told  you  in  Chicago?". 
•"Yes."  "Well,  I  am  on  my  way  to  Leadville,  where  I 'have  got 
some  large  mining  interests  to  look  after,  and  I  am  going  to  make 
a  fortune  out  of  it.  Besides  this,  Uncle  Ben, 'I  have  got  the  biggest 
scheme  on  foot  for  big  money  that  there  is  out.  I'm  going  to  get  a 
few  fellers  that  I  know  that  have  got  money,  and  organize  a  big 
cattle  company.  I  will  get  the  feller  that  will  put  in  the  most 


"UNCLE  BEN,  HOW  ARE  YOU?" 

noney  elected  President,  and  the  other  fellers  as  directors,  and  get 
myself  elected  as  Secretarv  and  Treasurer.  We  can  get  plenty  of 
men  that  are  looking  for  places  to  put  their  money  where  it  will 
bring  them  from  25  to  50  per  cent,  interest,  to  invest.  We  can  put 
in  one  dollar  on  the  hundred  of  the  capital  stock,  cash,  and  then  op- 
erate our  scheme  altogether  on  the  money  these  outside  parties  in- 
vest. We  can  get  any  quantity  of  land  in  this  State  for  grazing 
purposes,  and  not  cost  us  a  cent.  And  when  we  are  organized  we 


278  SHAMS;  OR,  UNCLE  BEN'S 

will  get  up  flaming  circulars  and  send  them  all  over  the  United 
States,  and  in  two  years  we  can  make  a  mint  of  money.  Now,  Uncle 
Ben,  if  you'll  go  into  this  along  with  me  I'll  assure  you  that  you'll 
make  a  splendid  fortune  in  less  than  two  years."  He  went  on  for 
more'n  an  hour  telling  about  his  schemes  and  urging  me  to  take 
a  hand  with  him.  I  thought  to  myself  I  know  the  Squire  just  as 
well  as  if  I'd  made  him,  and  with  this  knowledge  I  decided  that 
Uncle  Ben  Morgan  would  be  better  off  in  two  years  hence  to  have 
nothing  to  do  with  Bigler.  So  I  said  to  him  : 

"Mr.  Bigler,  your  scheme  looks  very  plausible,  but  I  wasn't 
born  on  Friday,  and  under  the  scheming  star.  I've  worked  hard 
for  what  I've  got,  and  by  hard  work,  economy  and  strict  honesty  I 
have  managed  to  get  enough  ahead  to  take  care  of  me  and  Clarissa 
as  long  as  we  live,  and  leave  something  to  the  children,  and  I  will 
let  well  enough  alone  and  not  take  a  hand  in  any  schemes.  I  went 
into  a  little  scheme  on  my  way  out  here,  between  Buffalo  and  Cleve- 
land, and  I  have  concluded  to  let  schemes  of  all  kinds  alone.  But," 
said  I,  "Bigler,  you  go  on  with  your  scheme,  and  when  you  get  in 
operation  you  write  to  me  and  send  me  one  of  your  circulars  and  a 
statement  of  your  organization,  and  I'll  show  it  to  some  of  the  folks 
around  home." 

After  he  had  further  developed  his  plans  and  showed  to  me 
raare'n  ever  that  he  was  a  heartless  hypocrite,  I  told  him  I  was  tired 
and  going  to  bed,  which  I  did. 

After  I  was  undressed  and  ready  to  get  into  bed  I  tried  to  blow 
out  the  electric  light.  I  fooled  around  the  dumb  glass  thing  for  a 
long  time,  but  I  couldn't  find  a  hole  in  the  thing  to  get  the  wind 
into  it,  so  I  had  to  call  a  waiter  to  put  it  out  for  me.  When  I  got 
into  bed  I  told  Clarissa  about  meeting  Bigler,  and  our  talk.  She 
said  that  Bigler  would  turn  out  like  Teeters,  a  first-class  swindler, 
unless  he  changed  his  course,  and  she  didn't  think  he  would  be  apt 
to  do  that,  as  he  has  pursued  a  crooked  line  of  policy  all  his  life. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    li  YI'OCKITLIS.  279 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 

HE  next  morning  we  took  a  fine  carriage  and  driver,  and  went 
jj»  all  over  the  capital  city  of  Colorado.  We  was  delighted 
with  its  splendid  streets.  They  are  as  hard  as  the  best  paved 
streets  of  Chicago,  and  much  smoother.  It  is  indeed  a  beautiful 
city — alike  beautiful  on  account  of  its  magnificent  public  build  ngs 
and  private  residences,  its  cleanliness  and  its  location.  The  great 
Rocky  Mountains  raise  their  rugged  peaks  but  a  few  miles  to  the 
west,  like  a  huge  wall  to  protect  it  from  invasion  by  a  foreign  foe, 
while  the  plains  stretch  off  to  the  east  beyond  human  vision. 

One  can  almost  imagine  three  camels,  with  their  ridc-i  s — one 
from  the  plains  of  New  Mexico,  one  from  the  Northland,  and  one 
from  the  foothills  of  the  Sierra  Madre — converging  at  a  given  point 
in  the  east,  being  led  thither  by  a  star,  so  similar  is  this  location  to 
some  of  those  places  in  Judea  made  famous  in  Bible  story. 

Although  it  was  the  first  day  of  December,  yet  the  air  was  soft, 
mild  and  dry,  and  the  ground  free  from  snow,  but  the  tops  of  the 
distant  mountains  sparkled  like  hotel  clerks'  breastpins  in  the  morn- 
ing sun  with  their  covering  of  snow  and  frost,  and  occasionally  I 
could  see  flashing  clouds  of  crimson  light  flv  up  to  the  blue  sky 
above,  just  like  I  have  seen  a  real  genuine  blush  fly  up  on  a  girl's 
cheek  at  a  corn-husking  when  she  found  a  red  car  and  her  lei  low 
paid  her  for  it  in  the  customary  currencv  used  at  corn-huskings. 
We  visited  Capital  Hill,  and  every  other  prominent  point  in  thecitv, 
and  then  we  went  out  to  the  great  silver  smelting  and  production 
works  managed  by  Professor  (^Senator)  Hill.  He  happened  to  be 


280  SHAMS;  OR,  UNCLE  BEN'S 

there,  and  I  introduced  ourselves  to  him,  and  explained  to  him  who 
we  was  and  where  we  was  from,  and  told  him  how  anxious  we  was 
to  learn  what  we.  could  on  our  trip.  He  said  he  read  about  us  in 
the  Chicago  Tribune  about  ten  days  ago.  He  seemed  pleased  to 
think  we  had  called  on  him,  and  he  took  particular  pains  to  show 
us  all  through  the  great  works,  and  explained  the  emire  process  of 
getting  the  gold  and  silver  out  of  the  rock  and  separating  it  from 
the  vulgar  (Clarissa  says  that  is  the  proper  term  for  base,  as  it 
means  the  same  thing.  I  use  it  here  because  I  want  to  be  proper) 
metals  and  refining  it,  and  bringing  it  out  pure  and  unadulterated  in 
great,  bricks. 

I'll  be  dumbed  if  I  wasn't  educated  more  in  the  two  hours  I 
spent  with  Senator  Hill  in  them  works  than  I  ever  was  in- the  seven 
winters  I  went  to  schools  kept  by  young  men  that  didn't  know  but 
mighty  little  after  all;  but  they  wasn't  to  blame  for  what  they  didn't 
know,  for,  in  all  probability,  they  never  had  a  chance  to  know  much. 

I  tell  you  what  it  is,  if  anybody  wants  to  know  some  of  the 
practical  things  in  this  world  that's  worth  knowing,  thev  should 
just  take  a  trip  and  travel  once  in  awhile,  and  when  they  see  things 
they  don't  understand,  just  ask  about  it,  even  at  the  risk  of  being 
impudent;  it's  better  to  be  a  bold,  or  even  impudent,  seeker  after 
information  you  don't  possess,  but  have  a  hankering  for,  than  to  be 
a  cowardly  fool — and  they  will  learn  more  that  will  be  of  satisfaction 
to  'em  than  they  can  in  any  way  for  the  same  amount  of  money  and 
time. 

Now,  Clarissa  and  I  learned  in  two  hours  at  them  great  works 
what  has  caused  the  brains  of  the  best  heads  years  and  years  of 
hard  study  and  work,  and  the  expenditure  of  immense  sums  of  money 
in  experimenting.  I  find  I  am  running  away  from  what  I  started  on, 
so  I'll  do  what  the  railroad  boys  say,  shut  off  and  reverse. 

Had  I  the  time,  I  would  enter  into  particulars  and  say  consider- 
able about  Denver  and  its  many  institutions,  its  mint,  its  banks  of 
various  kinds,  not  omitting  them  as  was  organized  and  established 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


28l 


by  King  Pharaoh,  and  which  have  never  lost  their  popularity ;  espe- 
cially in  the  Western  cities,  they  tell  me  that  they  are  quite  numerous. 
I  think  it  was  a  blessing  to  Moses  that  Pharaoh's  daughter  hid  him 
from  the  old  man,  as,  in  all  probability,  had  the  old  king  discovered 
what  a  smart  lad  his  daughter  had  found,  he  would  have  made  him 
his  principal  dealer.  But  it  is  sad,  however,  to  be  made  aware  of  the 
painful  fact  that  Moses'  nigh  relatives  are  very  fond  of  Pharaoh's 


"GET  IN  BACK  OF  ME,  YOU  GOLDEN  TEMPTER. " 


game,  and  spend  much  of  their  time  nights  in  trying  to  beat  the 
banker  or  amusing  themselves  with  his  fire  poker.  Sometimes  they 
get  their  hands  on  the  hot  end  of  it  and  get  burnt,  sometimes  to  the 
extent  of  several  hundred  dollars'  worth.  However,  there  are 
other  kinds  of  people  besides  the  sons  of  Abraham,  Isaac  and  Jacob 
that  do  business  at  the  old  king's  bank. 


282  SHAMS  ;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

When  we  returned  to  the  hotel  for  supper  it  was  5:30  P.  M. 
(which  means  Post  Master  under  the  last  administration),  and  we  was 
glad  to  take  a  little  rest  in  the  parlor  before  supper  was  called. 
While  setting  there  Mr.  Bigler  came  in  and  greeted  Clarissa  with  a 
real  warm  spirit  and  shake  of  hands.  We  went  in  to  supper  to- 
gether, and  really  it  was  pleasant  to  have  his  company,  for  he  can  act 
the  finished  gentleman  in  a  most  agreeable  manner.  He  asked  us  to 
go  to  the  theater  with  him,  and  we  accepted  his  invitation. 

We  went  to  Tabor's  Opera  House,  and  saw  the  play  of  Three- 
eyed  Richard.  The  building  is  a  very  fine,  massive  structure,  and 
the  theater  room  is  nicer  and  more  grand  than  any  I  saw  in  Chicago. 
We  both  of  us  liked  the  play  very  much,  but  I  never  knew  there 
was  such  a  confounded  old  rascal  as  that  humpbacked  old  villain, 
Richard.  I  don't  know  but  that,  after  all,  some  of  these  clays  I'll, 
be  compelled  to  disagree  with  Clarissa  on  the  point  of  hell,  for  if 
there  isn't  a  hell,  I  think  there  ought  to  be  for  just  such  villains  as 
this  feller  was,  and  several  others  I  have  met  since  I  started  out  on 
this  trip. 

The  next  day  I  was  walking  leisurely  down  the  streets,  swing- 
ing the  gold-headed  cane  that  Clarissa  made  me  a  present  of,  and 
looking  at  everything  I  saw,  and  if  I  was  stopped  and  interviewed 
once  on  the  subject  of  mines  and  mining  stock,  and  asked  to  buy,  I 
was  a  dozen  times.  Before  I  returned  to  the  hotel  for  dinner  I  was 
so  confused  that  both  of  my  arms  was  lame  and  paining  me.  The 
wonderful  fortunes  that  I  could  make  in  a  very  short  time  by  the 
investment  of  a  little  money  was  appalling,  and  stronger  minds  than 
mine  have  tumbled  down  before  such  temptations.  But  I  have 
managed  to  say,  "  Get  in  back  of  me,  you  golden  tempter;  I  don't 
want  to  be  contaminated  by  you." 

I  don't  know  what  it  is  about  me  that  conveys  the  idea  to  so- 
many  strangers  that  I  have  money  to  invest  in  every  scheme  that 
comes  up,  unless  it  is  my  gold  headed  cane  and  calfskin  boots,  and 
honest  countenance.  I  was  offered  stock  in  the  Dives,  Pelican,  Vul- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  283 

tn re,  Blackhawk,  Old  Crow,  Mudhen,  Bluejav,  Robin,  Peacock, 
Turkey,  Rattlesnake,  Busted,  Big  Silver  and  Little  Silver,  Tom  Cat, 
and  every  other  animal  name  you  can  think,  any  one  of  which  would, 
according  to  the  seller's  story,  make  me  a  millionaire. 

The  thought  of  so  suddenly  and  in  such  a  short  time  being  made 
the  richest  man  in  America,  and  having  such  a  burden  thrust  upon 
me  was  revolting  to  my  nature,  so  I  persistently  declined  being 
'made  rich  on  such  short  notice,  and  in  such  a  short  time. 

The  two  days  I  was  in  Denver  I  discovered  that  while  the  Den- 
ver.it.es  are  a  very  intelligent  class  of  people,  and  are  full  of  tact  and 
push,  the  uppermost  and  controlling  thought  which  seems  to  line 
their  clouds  of  speculation  by  day,  and  gild  their  dreams  by  night, 
is  money,  money,  money.  I  merely  judge  by  those  I  met  with  ;  per- 
haps the  masses  there  are  no  more  greedy  than  the  rest  of  mankind. 

We  made  the  tour  of  Central  City,  Georgetown,  Leadville, 
Canyon  City,  Pueblo,  Colorado  Springs,  Manitou,  Pike's  Peak,  the 
Garden  of  the  Gods,  arid  back  to  Denver.  Of  all  the  sights  in 
nature  I  ever  dreamed  of,  the  most  wonderful  we  saw  on  this  trip. 

There  is  sufficient  to  fill  a  large  volume  and  be  of  intense  inter- 
est to  the  average  reader,  if  written  by  one  skilled  in  such  art,  but  I 
have  only  time  at  present  to  say  but  little  about  it.  In  rattling  up 
the  mountains  and  twisting  through  the  canyons  and  gorges,  you 
are  apt  to  get  a  little  dusty  and  smoked,  and  I  would  advise  you 
when  you  get  to  Idaho  Springs,  to  go  down  and  visit  one  of  the  tall 
representatives  of  Blank  County,  New  York,  Harrison  Montague, 
and  wash  off  and  swim  in  his  big  bathhouse.  It  is  the  most  de- 
lightful bathing  place  in  the  whole  world,  so  far  as  I've  seen.  The 
water  comes  from  original  headquarters,  at  just  the  right  tem- 
perature. 

Colorado  is  a  high  State.  The  ground  is  high,  the  air  is  high,  the 
mountains  are  high,  the  people  are  high,  they  look  high,  they  think 
high,  they  walk  high,  and  they  talk  high.  Everything  you  look  at  is 
high.  If  you  want  to  buy  anything  it  is  high,  everywhere  you  go  you 


284  SHAMS;   f.»u,  UXCLE  BEX'S 

have  to  pay  high  for  it.  Clarissa  seemed  to  fill  up  with  the  spirit  and 
air  of  the  country,  and  she  got  high  notions,  and  felt  younger  than  I 
had  ever  known  her  to  since  I  courted  her ;  and  when  we  was  driv- 
ing through  the  Garden  of  the  Gods,  she  was  completely  enthused 
with  the  spirit  of  rapture  and  admiration,  and  as  we  passed  Cathe- 
dral Rock,  at  the  very  entrance  to  this  wonderful  garden,  site  ex- 
pressed a  desire  to  climb  up  to  the  top  of  its  lofty  pinnacle  and  view 
the  wondrous  land  we  was  entering  into,  as  the  eagle  does  from  his 
superior  heights,  but  we  drove  on,  and  she  didn't  climb. 

When  we  come  to  the  balance'!  'rock  the  driver  stopped  the 
carriage  .and  told  us  we  could  get  out  and  go  around  the  rock  and 
take  ourt'me  to  see  tins  wonderful  piece  of  work  that  was  supposed 
to  have  been  begun  by  one  of  the  ancient  gods,  who  was  driven 
out  of  the  garden  and  murdered  before  he  had  completed  his  job. 
Jealousy  on  the  part  of- the  other  gods  is  supposed  to  have  been  the 
principal  cause  of  the  dark  and  foul  deed. 

He  showed  us  all  over  the  sides  of  the  rock,  where  visitors  had 
inscribed  their  names.  As  high  up  as  we  could  see  through  our 
s;>y-glasses  we  could  see  names  chiseled  into  its  sides.  Clarissa  said 
she  wished  she  could  get  up  higher  than  any  of  them  and  cut  her 
name,  then  she  could  always  feel  that  Mary  and  Abraham's  mother 
had  her  name  as  high  as  any  mortals  in  this  mundane  (I  don't  ex- 
actly know  what  that  word  means,  but  some  big  writers  have  used 
it  more  or  less  frequently,  and  I  guess  I  can)  sphere,  and  it  would 
be  a  source  of  pride,  when  she  had  departed  from  mortal  scenes,  for 
them  to  tell  to  their  posterity  and  others,  that  their  mother's  name 
was  recorded  on  high  in  one  of  the  tablets  of  the  gods — in  Colorado. 
The  driver,  seeing  sne  had  a  strong  desire  to  do  what  so  many 
others  had  done,  thought  he  would  assist  her. 

He  found,  hid  behind  another  big  rock,  a  crude  ladder,  made  of 
poles  and  .sticks  tied  onto  it  with  strips  of  rawhide.  It  looked  very 
old,  but  he  thought  it  would  be  safe.  It  had  the  appearance  of 
having  been  made  at  the  same  time  the  rock  was.  The  ladder  was 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


285 


brought  forth  and  placed 
against  the  rock,  when,  to  her 
disappointment,  it  did  not 
reach  as  high  as  she  wanted 
to  go  by  several  feet.  But 
the  driver  brought  his  ingenu- 
ity to  bear  upon  the  case,  and 
got  a  couple  more  poles  and 
tied  on  the  bottom  of  the  lad- 
der, and  tied  some  more  sticks 
across  them  and  got  it  long 
enough  to  reach  about  a  foot 
higher  than  the  highest  name 
we  could  see.  Clarissa  is  pos- 
sessed of  not  only  considerable 
nerve,  but  lots  of  inventive 
genius,  and  on  this  occasion 
she  displayed  both.  She  pin- 
ned her  skirts  tight  around 
each  ankle  in  such  a  way  that 
a  passing  observer  would  have 
sworn  (if  in  the  habit  of  swear- 
ing) that  she  had  on  a  pair  of 
zouave  pantaloons. 

When  she  had  completed 
her  toilet  she  proceeded  to 
climb.  Cautiously  she  stepped 
upon  each  succeeding  higher 
stick,  while  the  driver  and  I 
held  the  foot  of  the  rickety 
ladder  to  keep  it  steady.  She 
finally,  amid  squeaks  and 
squawks  and  twistings  of  the 


"SHE   WISHED    SHE   COULD   GET   UP   HIGHER.' 


286  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

ladder,  reached  the  top  stick,  and  the  shriek  of  disappointment  she 
uttered  as  she  caught  a  glimpse,  on  the  very  summit  of  the  rock, 
about  twenty-five  feet  beyond  her,  the  name,  "  H.  A.  W.  Tabor, 
Governor  of  Colorado,"  was  truly  heartrending.  But  she  opened 
my  old  jack-knife  I  had  loaned  her  for  the  occasion,  and  proceeded 
to  cut.  She  had  cut  the  letters  C  L  A,  when  the  splicing  strings 
the  driver  had  tied  the  poles  on  with  broke,  arid  down  came  Clarissa 
and  the  ladder.  As  good  fortune  would  have  it,  I  and  the  driver 
caught  her  on  the  fly.  It  was  a  fearful  fall  for  all  three  of  us. 
Clarissa  was  a  total  wreck  so  far  as  her  habiliments  and  zouaves 
was  concerned,  rind  her  hands  and  nose  was  covered  with  bruises, 
scratches  and  blood,  while  the  driver  had  his  nose  knocked  out  of 
joint  by  Clarissa's  head  coming  in  close  contact  with  it,  and  my  arms 
was  stuck  as  full  of  pins  as  if  I  had  caught  a  porcupine.  We  carried 
her  to  the  carriage  and  carefully  wrapped  her  in  blankets  and  laid 
her  on  the  back  seat,  while  I  and  the  driver  got  on  the  front  seat  and 
drove  to  the  hotel  in  Colorado  Springs  as  fast  as  we  could.  In  fifty 
minutes  from  the  time  Clarissa  left  her  "Cla"  on  the  gods'  balanced 
rock,  we  was  in  our  private  room,  surrounded  with  medicine  and  a 
doctor,  sore  from  bruises  and  wounded  ambition,  and  nothing  left 
us  but  scars  and  meditation  of  ruined  pride  and  blasted  hopes.  It 
was  one  day  before  she  had  sufficiently  recovered  from  her  shock 
andpain  to  be  able  to  take  the  train  for  Denver,  where  we  stopped 
over  night.  The  landlord  noticed  she  was  powerful  weak  and  con- 
siderable lame,  and  asked  her  what  the  matter  was.  She  said  she 
had  met  with  a  slight  accident — that  the  climate  and  other  things  in 
Colorado  was  altogether  too  high  for  her  health,  and  she  had  con- 
cluded to  leave  the  next  morning,  which  we  did,  via  the  C.  C.  R.  R., 
arriving  in  Cheyenne  in  time  to  connect  with  the  Union  Pacific 
train  west.  I  succeeded  in  getting  Clarissa  a  down-stairs  bedroom, 
but  I  had  to' take  a  bed  in  the  loft. 


EXPERIENCE    WITH    HYPOCRITES.  287 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 

©NCE  more  on  our  main  line  we  felt  a  little  at  home.  It  is  sin- 
gular, but  nevertheless  true,  that  when  one  is  traveling  a  long 
distance,  the  road  that  takes  him  to  his  objective  point  is  re- 
garded as  a  sort  of  home,  and  when  he  leaves  it  for  a  few  days  and 
again  returns  to  it,  a  home-like  feeling  seems  to  possess  him.  It  was 
so  in  our  case  this  time.  We  felt  that  for  at  least  thirty-six  hours 
we  hadn't  got  to  make  any  changes,  as  we  concluded  to  not  leave 
this  line  again  until  we  reached  the  end  of  it  at  Ogden.  Pulling  out 
of  Cheyenne,  we  made  rapid  time  for  about  four  or  five  miles,  when 
the  engine  began  to  puff  and  snort  and  roll  out  the  smoke  in  mon- 
strous great  black  clouds,  as  she  climbed  up  the  steep  grade  to  Sher- 
man, the  highest  point  on  ihe  Union  Pacific  Railroad.  As  the  train 
stopped  about  five  minutes,  we  stepped  out  on  the  platform,  and 
filled  our  lungs  with  the  air  that  circulates  around  the  highest  rail- 
road point  on  the  American  continent,  which  is  about  9,000  feet 
above  the  level  of  the  sea.  Judging  from  the  looks  of  the  half-dozen 
natives  \ve  saw  swaggering  around  the  depot  with  their  hands  in 
thc'ir  pockets,  their  mouths  filled  with  tobacco,  and  dirty  slouch  hats 
drawn  down  over  their  eyes,  I  cannot  say  that  a  close  residence  to 
heaven  has  any  great  tendency  to  improve  the  human  race.  Look- 
ing off  to  the  north'  we  saw  a  huge  pile  of  rocks  they  called  "  The 
Skulls;"  I  suppose  they  are  the  skulls  of  them  god's  that  made  that 
garden  down  in  Colorado. 

Leaving  Sherman  we  went  down  a  sharp  grade  about  twenty- 
five  miles,  passing  over  Dale  Creek  on  a  bridge  of  iron  trestle-work, 


288  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

1 30. feet  high  and  650  long,  to  Laramie  City,  the  capital  of  Wyo- 
ming Territory.  The  little  city  is  noted  for  its  rolling-mill,  its 
lonely  location,  and  for  its  being  the  home  of  the  famous  "Bill 
Nve,"  whose  writings  are  like  the  climate  and  soil  of  his  home,  dry 
and  sand)7,  sparkling  with  little  gems.  Two  miles  to  the  east  of  the 
city  is  Fort  Laramie,  where  the  government  keeps  a  company  of 
soldiers,  when  they  haint  down  in  the  village  getting  high.  After 
leaving  Laramie  we  settled  down  into  a  sort  of  stupor;  everything 
without  was  monotonous,  cold  and  uninteresting.  In  every  direction 
I  looked,  I  could  see  distant  rocky  points  of  the  Rocky  Mountains. 
The  sun  had  already  dropped  behind  a  range  of  these  rocky  points, 
and  his'  glimmering  rays,  streaking  up  the  western  sky  like  the 
framework  of  a  Japanese  fan,  made  me  think  of  the  dying  fire  in 
our  old  fireplace  in  the  kitchen,  before  we  lit  the  candle,  when  I  was 
a  innocent  boy. 

The  brakeman  come  in  and  lit  the  lamps  in  our  car.  Presently 
a  card  party  was  organized,  composed  of  three  wholesale  drummers 
and  a  newspaper  man.  I  discovered  this  by  their  talk.  I  have 
learned  one  thing  on  my  travels,  that  if  you  take  the  advice  that 
Clarissa  gives  me,  viz.,  keep  your  eyes  and  ears  wide  open  and 
your  mouth  shut  a  reasonable  part  of  the  time,  it  wont  take  long  to 
find  out  who  nine-tenths  of  the  passengers  are,  where  they  are  from 
and  where  they  are  going  to,  and  what  the  drift  of  theirbusiness  is. 
Somehow  or  other,  about  nine  out  of  ten,  when  they  get  on  a  train, 
get  very  talkative,  and  they  grow  confidential  and  tell  more  than 
they  think  they  are  doing,  just  as  I  did  the  first  day  we  started  out, 
and  about  one-tenth  are  close  mouthed  and  keep  a  keen  eye  on  the 
rest.  Well,  I  know  1  haint  smart,  but  since  I  adopted  Clarissa's 
advice,  I  have  learned  lots. 

They  proposed  a  game  of  whist.  After  deciding  on  their  co- 
partnership, they  went  at  it.  The  first  round  was  won  by  a  Chicago 
grocery  man  and  a  Boston  clothing  man.  They  claimed  three  points. 
The  next  round  was  lost  by  a  St.  Louis  hardware  man  and  the  Den- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  289 

ver  News  man.  They  lost  four  points,  and  as  St.  Louis  generally 
does,  according  to  the  Chicago  Times — lost  the  game.  They  was  a 
jolly  set  of  fellows,  and  real  smart,  but  they  was  troubled  with  the 
same  weakness  that  drummers  in  general,  are  ;  they  tell  their  busi- 
ness to  most  everybody.  In  less  than  ten  minutes  I  found  out  that 
the  Chicago  man  represented  Sprague,  Warner  &  Co.,  and  was  going 
to  Ogden  and  Salt  Lake.  The  Boston  fellow  was  traveling  on  com- 
mission and  represented  half  a  dozen  concerns — his  name  was  Tom 
Ticklefeller.  The  St.  Louis  man  they  called  Simmons  Hardware 
Co.,  and  t'other  fellow,  by  the  very  gimlet  and  corkscrew  combi- 
nation countenance — couldn't  be  mistaken  for  anything  but  a  news- 
paper man. 

For  right-down  smoothness,  greasy  slickness,  oleomargarine 
smearing  over  of  things,  the  Sprague-Warner  combination  took  the 
cake  ;  for  swell  and  lofty  self-estimation,  the  Boston  combination 
had  the  bulge  on  the  pot  of  beans ;  for  hard  luck  and  hard  kicking, 
the  Simmons  hardware  combination  took  the  hard-tack;  but  for 
brass,  volubility  of  words  and  fly-specks  of  ideas,  combined  with 
masterly  lying,  the  Denver  News  machine  took  the  whole  Dutch 
oven.  By  the  time  they  had  finished  the  game  and  exchanged  the 
usual  amount  of  funny  jokes,  ready-made  witty  speeches — some- 
what stale — and  soap,  hard-tack  and  concentrated  lye,  the  train 
stopped  at  Rock  Creek  for  supper,  and  we  was  glad  of  it,  as  we  was 
real  hungry. 

We  missed  our  magnificent  dining  car,  which  was  left  at  Omaha. 
The  pleasure  of  sitting  as  long  as  you  please  in  an  elegant  car,  with 
a  delightful  meal  spread  before  you,  and  any  quantity  of  time  to 
eat  it,  with  "  not  a  wave  of  trouble  to  roll  across  your  peaceful 
breast  " — compared  with  making  a  mad  rush  for  a  hotel  dining-room 
table,  keeping  your  hat  on  your  head  for  fear  of  having  it  stolen,  and 
bolting  your  victuals  down  on  express  time,  swallowing  a  cup  of  hot 
coffee  to  one  gulp  for  fear  you  can't  get  another  cup  in  time,  and  then, 
with  a  feeling  of  uncomfortableness  hear  the  cry  of  "All  aboard !" 


290  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

while  you  make  a  rush  for  the  train,  being  interrupted  on  the  way 
by  the  landlord,  who  wants  a  dollar  apiece  from  you — is  true 
happiness. 

After  returning  to  our  car  I  called  Clarissa's  attention  to  the 
difference  between  taking  our  meals  this  way  and  the  dining  car 
system.  She  said,  "Yes;  but  Benjamin,  we  ought  to  be  satisfied, 
when  we  think  how  delightful  this  is  compared  with  the  first  rail. 


,1111 


"  A   DOLLAR,    IF   YOU    PLEASE." 

reading  that  was  done  about  fifty  years  ago  in  the  United  States, 
I  was  just  reading  in  the  Philadelphia  Press  I  have  here,  about  the 
wonderful  growth  of  railroads.  I'll  read  it  to  you;  it  is  this: 
'  Early  Railroading.  The  marvelous  growth  of  the  railroad  inter^ 
est  of  the  country  in  such  a  short  time  is  illustrated  by  the  fact  that 
old  men  are  still  living  in  Baltimore  who  took  the  first  ride  with 
Peter  Cooper  in  the  first  steam  locomotive  in  America.  The  loco- 
motive was  simply  an  old  stationary  engine,  about  the  size  of  a  bar- 
rel, mounted  on  a  truck,  and  connected  with  the  wheels  by  a  crank. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  29 1 

It  pulled  an  old-fashioned  coach,  loaded  with  forty-two  passengers, 
thirteen  miles  in  fifty-seven  minutes.  On  the  return  trip  it  raced 
with  two  fast  horses.  The  contest  was  nip  and  tuck,  when  the  band 
slipped  off  the  fly  wheel.  Peter  Cooper,  the  engineer,  in  attempting 
to  replace  it,  lacerated  his  hand.  The  horses  won  the  race.  The 
first  engine  of  really  serviceable  qualities  was  manufactured  at 
York,  Pennsylvania,  by  Phineas  Davis.  It  made  a  mile  in  three 
minutes,  drawing  forty  persons,  and  it  took  the  prize  offered  by  the 
Baltimore  &  Ohio  Road.  Davis  became  the  road's  chief  constructor 
of  engines.' " 

The  gentlemen  resumed  their  card  playing  and  funny  talk,  while 
Clarissa  and  I  got  acquainted  with  an  elderly  lady  and  gentleman 
who  was  sitting  right  in  front  of  us.  They  was  from  New  Jersey 
and  was  on  their  way  to  Honolulu  to  visit  their  son,  who,  they  said, 
was  Secretary  of  State  in  King  Kalakaua's  Cabinet.  We  found 
them  real  interesting  folks  to  talk  to,  and  the  old  gentleman  had 
been  to  Honolulu  before,  and  could  talk  the  language  of  the  natives 
of  the  Sandwich  Islands  quite  well.  He  was  telling  us  something 
in  that  language  so  we  could  see  how  it  sounded,  when  a  man  that 
was  sitting  in  a  seat  front  of  him,  hearing  him  talk  in  the  Sandwich 
language,  spoke  to  him  in  the  same  tongue,  and  then  came  over 
and  set  down  beside  the  old  gentleman  and  went  right  into  a  conver- 
sation with  him.  We  all  got  well  acquainted  in  a  short  time.  This, 
man  was  a  sea  captain  sent  out  by  a  New  Bedford  whaling  company 
to  take  charge  of  a  fleet  of  whaling  vessels  that  was  to  sail  from  San 
Francisco  up  into  the  North  Seas.  He  had  been  in  that  business 
for  the  past  thirty  years,  and  had  spent  a  good  many  winters  at 
Honolulu.  They  could  all  tell  very  interesting  incidents  in  real  life 
that  they  had  experienced,  except  Clarissa  and  me.  We  was  as 
barren  of  interesting  experiences  with  which  we  could  make  up  a 
marvelous  story  as  an  apple  tree  is  of  fruit  in  winter.  However,  we 
was  good  listeners,  and  considering  that  good  listeners  are  as  neces- 


2Q2  SHAMS  ;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

sary  to  the  interest  of  story  telling  as  the  narrator,  we  felt  that  we 
filled  an  important  part  in  the  sleeping  car  drama  after  all. 

The  evening  passed  away  so  pleasantly  that  time  had  stolen 
itself  from  us  unawares,  and  we  was  forced  to  disband,  by  the  porter 
making  up  the  beds.  A  half  hour  later  we  was  in  bed,  and  the  rattle 
and  hum  of  the  train  was  a  lullaby  song  that  sent  us  to  the  dream 
land  of  forgetfulness.  Strange  visions  of  snorting  whales,  savage 
sharks,  barking  sea  lions,  howling  walruses,  bare-legged  and  bare- 
headed dusky  natives,  wonderful  sugar  plantations,  intermingled 
with  coffee,  spices,  oleomargarine  and  oi]y  stories  hammered  with 
Simmons,  Hardware  Co.'s  hard  tack,  clothed  with  Boston  garments 
and  papered  with  Denver  News  sheets,  was  playing  hide  and  seek 
through  my  brain  a  good  share  of  the  night. 

When  the  morning  light  came  peeking  into  my  loft  through  the 
windows  in  the  sides  of  the  chamber  story  of  our  car,  I  stretched 
the  usual  morning  stretch  and  got  my  pantaloons  on  with  consider- 
able trouble,  threw  myself  down  to  the  floor,  woke  Clarissa  up  and 
proceeded  to  toilet  myself,  after  which  I  went  into  the  front  car 
and  got  a  seat,  where  I  remained  until  the  sleeper  was  made  up. 
We  was  approaching  Green  River  Station,  and  the  scenery  was 
•wonderfully  grand.  At  Green  River  we  took  breakfast,  and  had 
plenty  of  time  to  eat  a  good  med,  and  we  had  a  glorious  meal  to 
eat.  After  breakfast  was  paid  for,  which  was  $1.00  per  head,  we 
walked  out  on  the  platform  and  took  a  good  view  of  the  great  cliffs 
that  rise  up  behind  the  village  several  hundred  feet.  They  are 
wonderful  mountains  of  limestone  shell  formations,  slate  deposits 
and  other  kinds  of  stones  in  regular  layers,  alternating  one  above 
the  other  like  a  huge  layer  cake.  We  was  told  that  the  cliffs  was 
full  of  fossil  fish  and  reptiles.  I  bought  several  specimens  they  had 
for  sale  at  the  lunch  counter. 

As  we  pulled  out  of  the  station,  our  train  hugged  the  base  of 
monstrous  cliffs  to  the  left  of  us,  while  to  our  right,  bending  in 
graceful  curves,  following  close  to  our  track,  was  the  placid  waters 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


293 


of  Green  River.  Some  of  the  rocks  that  attract  the  traveler's  at- 
tention in  this  vicinity  are  Castle  Rock,  the  Giants'  Club,  the  Gi- 
ants' Teapot,  and  the  Twin  Sisters.  As  my  purpose  is  not  to  write 
descriptions  of  country,  but  rather  to  give  a  few  glimpses  of  hu- 
man nature  as  it  is  revealed  to  me  in  different  places,  and  as  every 
foot  of  the  country  over  which  we  have  and  may  yet  pass  has  been 
so  oft  described  by  able  writers,  I  shall  omit  all  references  to  seen- 


STRANGE   VISIONS. 


ery  except  incidentally,  for  the  purposes  of  showing  what  effect  the 
surrounding  country  has  upon  the  people.  I  was  informed  that  the 
people  in  the  village  of  Green  River,  like  the  cliffs  surrounding  'em, 
are  scaly,  fishy,  and  considerable  mixed — that  their  motto  is,  when 
you  meet  a  stranger,  take  him  in.  I  am  fully  satisfied  that  the  fel- 
ler that  runs  the  lunch  counter  and  curiosity  shop  at  the  depot  lives 
up  to  the  motto  strictly.  Passing  through  a  countless  number  of 
snow  sheds  and  over  about  150  miles  of  country  that  was  entirely 


294  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

unnecessary  to  have  been  traversed  by  this  railroad — as  it  could 
have  been  made  that  much  shorter  with  less  work  and  expense  than 
the  way  it  is  built — but  which  would  have  cut  out  150  miles  of  steal- 
ings at  the  average  rate  per  mile  figured  on  by  the  projectors  and 
constructors  of  the  gigantic  Union  Pacific  Railroad  scheme — we 
arrived  at  Evanston,  where  we  took  dinner  at  the  Mountain  Trout 
House.  The  name  of  the  hotel  indicates  the  principal  characteris- 
tic of  the  dinner  you  are  to  get,  namely,  fresh  mountain  trout, 
which,  to  lovers  of  the  finny  tribe,  is  a  great  treat.  Beside  this,  the 
table  is  abundantly  supplied  with  venison  and  bear  meat.  You  are 
waited  upon  by  grinning,  goring-eyed  Chinamen,  who  wear  their 
shirts  outside  of  their  pantaloons,  and  in  reply  to  any  question  you 
put  to  them  not  directly  connected  with  the  victuals  before  you,  are 
.always  ready  with  the  same  speech,  "Ah  !  Ah  !  Me  nosavvee,  Melli- 
kee  manne.  Me  Chinee!  Yum!"  After  we  have  had  all  the  dinner 
we  want,  and  taken  the  last  look  at  the  human  puzzle  in  the  form  of 
the  "Me  no  savvee"  Chinee  waiter,  we  stepped  aboard,  and  left 
the  little  town  with  its  1,500  inhabitants,  about  300  of  which  are 
Chinamen,  just  where  it  belongs  on  the  geography,  just  half  way 
between  Omaha  and  San  Francisco,  957  miles  from  each  city. 
Twenty  miles  from  Evanston  we  enter  the  most  sublime  and  won- 
derful scenery  on  the  entire  length  of  the  Union  Pacific,  Echo  Can- 
yon. From  the  time  we  enter  this  canyon  at  Castle  Rock  until  we 
pass  out  of. Weber  River  Canyon,  a  distance  of  sixty  miles,  we  are 
•constantly  met  with  new  surprises.  It  must  have  been  the  masters 
of  the  gods  that  built  the  Colorado  gardens,  that  arranged  these  two 
canyons.  The  gigantic  walls,  reaching  in  many  places  the  height 
of  2,000  feet,  are  so  varied  in  color  and  shape  as  to  claim  the  atten- 
tion of  the  tourist  every  moment.  Echo  Station,  a  little  town  at 
the  mouth  of  Echo  Creek,  is  famous  for  the  echoes  which  gave  it 
its  name.  Here  is  to  be  seen  the  remarkable  monument,  a  square 
column  of  red  sandstone,  50  feet  thick  and  250  feet  high.  Four 
miles  below  Echo  we  pass  a  lone/r  tree,  called  the  1,000  Mile  Tree, 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  295 

as  it  is  just  1,000  miles  from  Omaha.  Then  comes  that  wonderful 
crevice  between  two  sharp  rocks,  extending  down  the  side  of  the 
mountains,  where  it  is  said  that  Brigham  Young  and  the  Mormon 
elders  that  was  with  him  during  his  memorable  exploring  trip  hunt- 
ing for  the  promised  land,  slid  down  the  mountain  side  into  the 
little  stream  below,  when  they  all  got  out  of  the  water  and  brushed 
the  dirt  off  themselves.  It  is  said  that  Brigham  stretched  himself 
up  as  far  as  his  one  unbroken  suspender  permitted,  and  exclaimed, 

"Well,  I  be  d d  !  That  is  a  devil  of  a  slide,"  and  ever  since  then 

it  has  been  known  as  The  Devil's  Slide. 

We  are  now  fairly  in  the  country  where  the  Devil  ought  not  to 
be — Utah,  the  land  of  the  "Latter-day  Saints  of  Jesus  Christ,"  and 
certainly  his  Satanic  majesty  ought  to  keep  out  of  this  land.  How- 
ever, we  are  all  more  or  less  painfully  aware  that  the  Devil  is  quite 
apt  to  crowd  himself  in  where  he  has  no  business  to. 

At  5:30  we  arrived  at  Ogden,  the  terminus  of  the  Union  Pacific 
Railroad,  and  where  we  took  the  train  for  the  Great  Salt  Lake  City, 
thirty-seven  miles  to  the  south. 

We  had  become  so  well  acquainted  with  each  other  in  our 
sleeping  car,  that  to  leave  it  and  part  company  was  a  good  deal  like 
breaking  up  housekeeping.  Our  jolly,  good-natured  Sprague,  War- 
ner &  Co.'s  drummer  had  become  so  genial  and  kind,  and  our  St. 
Louis  hardware  man  had  made  so  many  pleasant  hits;  our  Hono- 
lulu-bound friends  was  so  kind  and  interesting ;  our  big-hearted  sea 
captain  so  noble  and  generous;  our  Denver  News  man  was  so  clever 
with  his  questions  and  lies  ;  Clarissa  was  so  philosophizing  and 
motherly  in  her  many  remarks,  while  I  done  the  best  I  knew  how 
to  in  my  country  style  and  with  my  farm  speeches  to  make  all  things 
smooth  and  agreeable,  and  even  the  Boston  swell  uncorked  himself 
once  in  a  while  with  some  concession  that  there  was  some  things 
worth  seeing  outside  of  Boston,  so  that  by  the  time  we  got  to  the 
end  of  our  road  we  had  become  so  free  with  each  other  in  conver- 


296  •     SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

sation  that  we  felt  like  a  family,  and  the  separation  was  the  break- 
ing up  of  the  household. 

Rattling  o'er  the  mountains,  and  running  through  the  sheds, 

White  setting  in  our  seats  or  lying  in  our  beds, 

It  was  amusement  combined  with  learning  and  song,  • 

While  our  toiling  engine  was  pulling  us  along. 

Our  Chicago  drummer,  selling  taffy  and  tolu, 

And  our  elder  couple  bound  for  Honolulu; 

With  our  whaling  captain  headed  for  the  North  Sea, 

Was  just  the  kind  of  folks  that  suited  Clarissa. 

The  thing  that  on  dry  land — in  his  eyes — makes  a  swell 

By  coming  all  the  way  from  Boston,  clothes  to  sell; 

And  the  St.  Louis  traveler  and  the  Denver  News 

Was  good  company  for  Uncle  Ben  and  his  muse. 

But  when  the  time  drew  nigh  for  us  all  to  depart, 

There  was  shaking  hands  and  good-byes  that  come  from  the  heart,. 


EXPERIENCE    WITH    HYPOCRITES.  297 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

EN  days  among  the  Mormons  ought  to  give  a  close  observer  of 
folks  and  things  a  little  insight  to  their  ways  of  living  and 
their  religious  notions,  especially  if  the  sole  purpose  of  his  visit 
is  to  that  end.  I  think,  to  use  a  watchmaker's  term  and  speak  figura- 
tively, I  saw  the  cap  taken  oft,  and  the  mainspring,  as  well  as  a  good 
share  of  the  wheels  in  their  machine.  The  first  night  we  staid  at 
Ogden,  stopping  at  a  little  hotel  close  to  the  depot.  I  wanted  to  go 
down  to  Salt  Lake  City  by  daylight.  It  was  dark  when  we  got  to 
Ogden,  and  as  we  was  quite  fat-i-gued,  we  didn't  leave  the  hotel 
that  night,  but  we  had  a  good  night  with  the  landlord.  He  was  a 
great,  fat,  good-natured  man,  and  was  a  Gentile,  and  we  got  a  good 
many  pointers  from  him  that  helped  us  considerable.  (Gentile 
means  any  and  everybody  that  isn't  a  Mormon.) 

The  next  morning  we  took  the  train  on  the  Utah  Central  Rail- 
road, and  whizzed  along  down  the  narrow  valley  lying  between  the 
foot  of  the  Wasatch  Mountains  and  the  Great  Salt  Lake,  thirty-seven 
miles  south  to  the  "  Holy  City,"  the  Mecca  of  the  Saints.  The 
scenery  is  grand  in  the  extreme  ;  the  mountains  rise  so  abruptly  and 
present  such  sharp,  rugged  outlines  and  peaks  that  they  seem  higher, 
and  come  nigher  to  the  pictures  I  used  to  see  in  Olney's  geography, 
when  I  went  to  school,  than  any  we  had  yet  seen.  The  overbear- 
ing Wasatch  humps  his  back  up  and  puts  on  high  airs,  on  our  left, 
while  on  our  right  is  the  Great  Salt  Lake,  its  quiet  bosom  glistening 
in  the  morning  sunlight  just  breaking  over  the  rocky  peaks,  like  a  vast 
sheet  of  silver.  And  the  valley,  running  from  two  to  seven  miles 


298  SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

wide,  dotted  with  small  farmhouses  and  villages,  all  surrounded 
by  orchards  and  shade-trees,  even  with  a  light  covering  of  snow  on 
the  ground,  formed  a  beautiful  picture. 

I  know  of  no  spot -where  Nature  has  put  her  choice  bits  to- 
gether in  a  more  pleasing  and  harmonious  manner  than  all  through 
this  wonderful  valley.  Even  in  the  winter,  when  the  beauty  of  na- 
ture is  concealed  by  an  icy  overcoat,  one  is  charmed  by  its  appear- 
ance, and  in  spring  and  summer  it  must  be  delightful  indeed.  Just 
before  I  arrived  at  the  Mormon  paradise,  I  was  reminded  of  the 
Clark  Street  museum  in  Chicago,  where  Clarissa  and  I  saw  them 
play  Hell,  by  the  strong  smell  of  sulphur,  and,  looking  out  of  the 
car  window  on  the  left  side,  there  I  saw  a  stream  of  water  boiling 
out  of  a  rock  so  that  a  heavy  cloud  of  steam  was  continually  rising 
from  it.  And  off  to  the  right  of  the  track  there  was  acres  and 
acres  covered  with  this  hot  sulphur-water,  and  the  cloud  of  steam 
rising  from  it  looked  like  fog  lifting  off  the  meadow  in  autumn. 

This  curious  spring  impressed  Clarissa  in  a  peculiar  manner. 
She  said,  "  Benjamin,  don't  you  think  it  is  a  singular  coincident  that 
the  headquarters  of  the  Mormon  Church  and  the  big  sulphur  works 
down  below  should  be  so  close  together?"  I  told  her  "  Perhaps  it 
was,  but  the  impression  I  got  of  Joe  Smith  and  the  organization  of 
their  church,  when  I  was  a  young  man,  and  read  a  good  deal  about 
it  was,  that  it  originated  in  that  big  sulphur  factory,  and  had  worked 
its  way  up  to  the  top  of  the  ground,  but  I  was  perfectly  surprised  at 
its  spreading  and  growing  so  rapidly." 

"  Well,  Benjamin,"  she  replied,  "you  know  that  pussly,  Canada 
thistles,  and  every  other  mean  and  vile  weed,  when  it  gets  a  start 
on  a  man's  farm,  will  spread  all  over  it  mighty  quick,  and  it  grows 
so  fast  that  it  will  ruin  it  in  a  short  time;  and,  if  what  I've  read 
about  the  Mormons  is  true,  they  are  the  pussly  and  thistle  to  the 
morals  of  this  lovely  country,  and  in  time  they  will  be  the  destruc- 
tion of  it  in  a  moral  point  of  view;  but  we  will  know  more  about  it 
in  a  few  days." 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  299 

We  had  now  arrived  at  the  depot.  We  took  a  street  car  for  the 
Walker  House,  where  I  met  an  old  friend,  Mr.  C.  M.  Henderson, 
from  New  York  City,  who  was  representing  a  blank  book:  manufact- 
ory. He  used  to  know  me  and  Clarissa  a  good  many  years  ago. 
He  introduced  us  to  Mr.  Erb,  the  landlord,  and  told  him  where  we 
was  from.  Mr.  Erb  was  very  nice  to  us,  and  gave  us  a  very  fine 
private  bedroom  on  the  parlor  floor,  right  next  to  Mr.  Henderson's 
sample-room,  fronting  on  the  principal  street  in  the  city — Temple 
Street.  The  Walker  House  is  one  of  the  best  taverns  we  have  seen 
since  we  left  Chicago— in  fact,  it  is  the  best.  They  set  a  splendid 
table,  and  give  you  five  meals  a  day,  and  everything  is  done  to 
make  the  stranger  that  stops  there  feel  at  home. 

After  we  was  settled  in  regard  to  room,  etc.,  Mr.  Henderson 
volunteered  to  go  with  us  to  what  places  he  was  familiar  with.  We 
walked  up  Temple  Street  slowly,  so  we  could  have  a  good  chance 
to  see  what  we  viewed  on  the  way.  The  first  large  building  on  our 
left  was  the  White  House;  across  the  street  was  the  large  mercantile 
institution  of  Walker  Brothers,  the  largest  Gentile  store  in  Utah. 
These  gentlemen  was  originally  Mormons,  but  perceiving  a  ray  of 
light  piercing  the  misty  cloud  of  Mormonism  in  an  early  day,  they 
abandoned  the  church,  and  was  branded  by  the  hierarchy  as  apos- 
tates, a  title  of  which  they  were  proud.  Further  up  the  street,  and  on 
the  opposite  side,  he  showed  us  the  first  hotel  built  in  the  city — the 
old  S:ilt  Lake  House  ;  it  is  one  of  Brigham's  landmarks.  Next,  we 
passed  the  Z.  C.  M.  drugstore,  and  next  door  to  it  the  drygoods 
store  of  the  Mormon  elder,  Jenning?.  On  the  opposite  corner  was 
the  drugstore  of  Godbe,  Pitts  &  Co.  Godbe  was  a  seceder  from 
the  polygamous  church,  and  the  head  of  a  branch  known  as  the 
Godbeites.  As  we  proceeded  up  the  street,  we  passed  the  great 
bookstore  of  one  of  the  Mormon  bishops.  We  crossed  the  street 
to  the  corner,  where  stands  the  exponent  of  the  controlling  power 
behind  and  under  the  Mormon  throne,  the  Deseret  Bank.  The 
next  building  of  importance  was  the  mammoth  Zion  Co-operative 


3OO  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

Mercantile  Institution.  This  is  the  largest  general  store  I  ever  saw^ 
The  building  is  eighty  feet  wide  and  over  three  hundred  feet  deep, 
three  stories  high,  and  basement.  We  went  into  it,  and  was  introduced 
to  Mr.  Eldridge,  the  general  manager.  He  was  very  polite,  and 
showed  us  all  through  this  monstrous  establishment.  It  is  a  marvel 
of  neatness  and  system  ;  everything  is  in  perfect  order,  and  a  sepa- 
rate department  for  each  kind  of  goods.  The  floor  is  as  white  and 
clean  as  soap,  water  and  scrubbing-brush  can  make  it.  Mr.  Eldridge, 
understanding  who  we  was  and  where  we  was  from,  and  where  we 
was  bound  for.  and  our  desire  to  see  and  learn  all  we  could  about 
his  city,  called  a  young  man,  and  told  him  to  go  with  us  to  the 
Tithing  House,  the  Deseret  News  office,  through  Temple  Square, 
the  Main  Tabernacle,  Winter  Tabernacle,  the  Museum,  and  also 
to  ask  the  president  if  he  would  receive  a  call  from  us. 

As  Mr.  Eldridge  wished  to  see  Mr.  Henderson  on  business,  we 
excused  him  and  went  on  in  company  with  the  young  man.  We  first 
visited  the  office  of  the  Deseret  News,  the  principal  Mormon  news- 
paper; was  introduced  to  several,  among  the  rest  Brigham  Young, 
Jr.,  who  told  us  in  a  very  pompous  way  what  a  wonderful  people 
they  was,  how  they  was  the  chosen  people  of  God,  and  they  had 
been  led  by  the  prophets  of  God  into  this  beautiful  land,  how  God 
had  protected  and  prospered  them,  and  had  been  on  their  side  all 
the  time,  and  how  mean  the  United  States  government  had  been  to 
them  ;  how  they  had  persecuted  them  on  every  hand,  how  they 
threatened  to  destroy  them  in  days  past,  how  the  government  had 
all  the  big  cannons  up  at  Camp  Douglas  pointed  right  down  on 
their  sacred  city,  so  that  in  an  hour's  time  they  could  destroy  the 
entire  city  ;  how,  at  one  time,  the  Mormons  had  combustible  mate- 
rial so  arranged  in  every  house,  that  they  would  have  the  whole  city 
reduced  to  ashes  in  an  hour,  had  the  government  troops  moved  upon 
'em ;  but  how  the  hand  of  God  had  stayed  the  power  of  the  gov- 
ernment; how  the  Gentiles  was  lying  about  them  all  the  time,  and 
working  themselves  into  the  country,  trying  to  undermine  them  ; 


EXPERIENCE    WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


301 


continually  meddling  with  that  which  was  none  of  their  business ; 
how  Congress  was  passing  laws  that  was  wicked  and  unjust,  and 
wasn't  satisfied  with  persecuting  them  by  taking  away  their  right 
to  vote,  but  now  they  wanted  to  take  their  wives  away  from  them, 
and  make  their  children  orphans,  and  their  wives  nameless  things, 
to  be  thrown  on  to  the  cold  and  uncharitable  world,  and  not  even 
satisfied  with  that  damnable  work,  was  trying  to  confiscate  all  their 


BRIGHAM   YOUNG,    JR.,    TELLS   US   TERRIBLE  THINGS. 

property ;  but  they  had  gone  as  far  as  they  could  go,  and  if  they 
was  interfered  with  any  more,  the  Saints  would  rise  up  in  a  body 
and  destroy  the  government. 

I  fairly  trembled  in  the  presence  of  this  wonderful  big  piece  of 
human  clay,  and  Clarissa  spoke  up  and  advised  Mr.  Young  not  to 
do  such  a  rash  act,  as  he  might  scare  some  one ;  that  Uncle  Sam  was 
pretty  nigh  as  big  as  he  was,  and  there  might  be  some  trouble  if  he 


302  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

and  the  rest  of  the  Saints  got  so  mad.  Her  remarks  had  a  quieting- 
effect  upon  him,  and  he  softened  up  some,  and  asked  us  to  call  again 
before  we  left  the  city,  if  we  had  time. 

We  then  went  into  the  Tithing  House,  and  was  showed  all 
through  it.  We  saw  great  bins  of  wheat,  and  oats  and  flour,  and  all 
kinds  of  produce;  and  out  in  the  yards  was  cattle  and  hogs,  sheep 
and  ho:  ses,  hens,  geese  and  turkeys  of  all  kinds,  that  people  had 
brought  in  as  their  gift  to  the  church. 

"  You  see,"  said  a  big  Scotchman,  who,  we  was  told,  was  a 
bishop,  and  who  had  charge  of  the  house  and  yards,  "  every  good 
Mormon  brings  into  this  place  one-tenth  of  all  he  produces,  or  of 
all  his  income,  as  his  gift  for  the  support  of  the  church ;"  and  then 
he  went  on,  quoting  Scripture  to  prove  that  that  was  the  way  they 
done  in  Christ's  time;  and  he  talked  for  more'n  an  hour  to  show  us 
how  Joe  Smith  was  the  prophet  of  God,  and  that  the  Mormon  Church 
was  the  only  true  and  authorized  church  of  Jesus  Christ  on  earth. 

We  left  the  Tithing  House  and  walked  out  of  the  high  wall  in- 
closure,  crossing  the  street  to  the  great  eastern  gate  to  Temple 
Square.  As  we  passed  through  the  gate  we  was  requested  to  step 
into  the  little  house  close  to  the  gate  and  write  our  names  in  the  big 
register  book  where  every  visitor's  name  appears.  We  shall  always 
have  the  satisfaction  oi  knowing  that  the  names  of  Benjamin  Mor- 
gan and  his  one,  single,  solitary  wife,  Clarissa  Snodgrass  Morgan, 
are  written  on  the  Saints'  book  in  their  New  Jerusalem.  After  sign- 
ing the  book,  a  carroty  colored  haired  gentleman  proceeded  ahead 
of  us  as  a  guide.  In  front  of  us  a  few  feet,  stands  the  great  Tem- 
ple that  has  already  been  over  twenty-five  years  in  process  of  con- 
struction, and  which,  according  to  our  guide,  will  not  be  completed 
for  thirty  years  or  more  to  come.  This  building,  he  said,  is  built  of 
the  hardest  gray  granite  taken  from  the  mountains  about  twenty- 
five  miles  from  here.  The  walls  are  fifteen  feet  down  in  the  ground 
and  fifteen  feet  thick  at  the  base,  tapering  up  to  the  surface  of  the 
ground,  where  it  is  nine  feet  thick.  The  walls  are  now  up  to  the  top 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  30} 

of  the  second  story.  When  the  building  is  completed,  it  will  be 
two  hundred  feet  long,  one  hundred  feet  wide,  and  one  hundred  feet 
high  to  the  roof,  and  the  top  of  the  steeple  will  be  two  hundred  feet 
above  the  ground.  This  building  is  to  be  arranged  for  the  use  of 
the  church  in  the  administration  of  its  rites  and  ceremonies  until 
Christ  comes  to  earth  again  to  reign  a  thousand  years,  when  he  is 
to  occupy  it  as  his  official  mansion  while  here  below.  (This  is  one 
of  the  ideas  they  teach,  and  which  most  of  them  believe.)  For 
the  construction  of  this  temple,  every  year  all  the  Mormons  are  re- 
quired to  pay  a  tithing  of  their  income.  This  money  is  called  the 
Temple  fund.  In  the  basement  of  this  temple  is  constructed  a  huge 
stone  washbowl,  called  the  baptismal  font,  where  all  the  dead  gen- 
erations of  the  glorious  and  inglorious  past  are  to  be  baptized  by 
proxy  in  order  to  be  restored  to  the  kingdom  of  the  Saints  in  the 
endless  future. 

Passing  by  the  Temple,  we  come  to  one  of  the  wonders  of  the 
nineteenth  century,  the  great  Tabernacle.  Its  wonder  consists  in  its 
plan  of  architecture,  which  was  given  to  the  great  prophet,  Brigham 
Young,  by  the  Almighty,  in  a  dream.  It  is  the  largest  auditorium 
in  America,  capable  of  seating  15,000  people,  if  necessary.  The 
roof  is  oblong  oval  shape,  like  a  dish  cover,  and  is  supported  by 
stone  and  brick  piers  nine  feet  thick.  Between  each  pier  are  wide 
folding  doors,  so  that  when  thrown  open,  the  room,  if  crowded,  can 
be  entirely  emptied  in  three  minutes.  A  deep  gallery  extends  three- 
fourths  of  the  way  around  the  room.  The  west  quarter  of  the 
room  is  occupied  by  the  officials  of  the  church,  so  distributed  and 
arranged  as  to  represent  the  complete  organization  and  power  of 
the  church.  In  the  center,  the  lower  front  seat,  behind  the  commun- 
ion table,  is  occupied  by  twelve  elders.  Behind  them  and  a  step 
higher  up,  is  a  seat  occupied  by  priests  ;  behind  them  and  another 
step  higher  up,  is  a  seat  occupied  by  high  priests  ;  and  behind  them 
and  another  step  higher  up,  is  the  seat  occupied  by  the  twelve  apos- 
tles ;  and  behind  them,  and  another  step  higher  up,  is  the  seat 


304  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

occupied  by  the  president  and  his  advisory  council.  This  is  the  last 
and  highest  seat.  On  the  one  side  are  the  seats  occupied  by  the 
bishops,  while  on  the  other  side  sit  the  deacons  and  teachers. 

Behind  all  these  and  on  raised  seats  sit  the  great  choir  of  sing- 
ers,  while  back  of  them  is  the  monstrous  pipe  organ,  forty-two  feet 
wide.  This  organ  was  built  within  the  room,  our  guide  told  us,  by 
one  of  their  members,  a  Swede. 

The  guide  called  our  attention  to  the  wonderful  acoustic  (as  he 
called  it,  I  don't  know  what  it  means)  properties  of  the  room,  by 
having  us  go  up  in  the  gallery  at  the  further  end  of  the  room  while 
he  stood  by  the  side  of  the  organ  and  whispered  to  us.  We  could 
hear  him  as  plain  as  if  his  mouth  was  within  an  inch  of  our  ear.  We 
were  perfectly  astonished,  and  wondered  if  after  all  it  was  not  true 
that  God  did  give  the  plan  of  this  great  Tabernacle  to  Brigham. 

We  was  telling  about  it  when  we  got  back  to  the  hotel,  when 
we  was  informed  by  truthful  persons  that  if  we  set  in  the  seats  on 
the  floor  anywhere  in  the  middle  of  the  house,  we  could  not  hear  a 
single  word  distinctly ;  and  for  hearing,  it  was  a  failure  everywhere 
except  in  the  gallery  and  under  it.  Then  the  story  of  God  having 
anything  to  do  with  the  plan  appeared  as  false  to  us  as  the  idea  is 
apparent,  that  He  has  nothing  to  do  with  their  church,  in  any 
manner  whatever.  But  the  great  mass  of  Mormons  no  doubt  be- 
lieve implicitly  what  their  shrewd  and  crafty  leaders  teach  them. 

After  leaving  this  building  we  went  through  the  Winter  Taber- 
nacle or  Assembly  Hall,  on  the  south  side  of  the  square  inclosure. 
It  is  called  the  Winter  Tabernacle,  as  it  is  used  in  the  winter  and 
during  cold  weather,  as  the  great  Tabernacle  is  used  only  in  the 
warm  weather,  there  being  no  means  of  warming  or  lighting  it. 

Coming  out  of  the  Winter  Tabernacle  we  noticed  a  smaller  house 
over  in  the  northwest  corner  of  the  square,  and  asked  our  guide 
what  it  was.  He  said  it  was  the  Endowment  House.  We  asked 
him  to  show  us  through  it,  but  he  very  firmly  declined  ;  and  told  us 
that  none  but  Saints  was  ever  permitted  to  enter  there. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  305 

Clarissa  cast  a  look  at  me  with  a  meaning  visibly  upon  her 
countenance,  that  she  wished  I  was  a  Saint;  while  for  the  purpose 
of  satisfying  my  curiosity  at  the  time,  I  wished  she  was  a  saintess 
and  I  a  sainter.  but  from  what  I  have  since  learned  about  it,  I  am 
glad  we  are  neither  one  of  which. 

As  we  left  Temple  Square  by  the  same  gate  we  entered,  we 
thanked  our  guide,  and  give  him  fifty  cents.  It  being  one  o'clock, 
we  told  the  young  man  we  would  not  trouble  him  more  that  day, 
and  thanking  him  for  his  kindness,  walked  down  to  our  hotel.  We 
had  rode,  walked  and  talked  and  seen  enough  in  this  half  day  to  tire 
younger  and  stronger  persons,  and  we  felt  quite  weary.  We  ate  a 
hearty  lunch  and  went  to  our  room,  where  I  took  a  little  nap,  while 
Clarissa  was  reading  her  "  Shadows  of  the  Future." 

In  a  couple  of  hours  I  woke  up,  feeling  much  refreshed.  Mr. 
Henderson  called  at  our  room,  and  suggested  our  taking  a  ride  ;  we 
expressed  our  thanks  for  his  kindness  and  a  desire  to  accept,  and  he 
ordered  a  carriage  and  driver.  The  day  was  pleasant  and  quite  mild 
and  springlike.  We  rode  all  over  the  city,  and  went  up  to  Camp 
Douglas.  The  ride  was  delightful.  The  streets  are  all  wide,  smooth 
and  hard,  with  a  clear  stream  of  mountain  water  running  on  each 
side.  The  evidence  of  prosperity  and  quietness  was  abundant  on 
every  hand.  We  saw  the  Lion  House,  where  Brigham  and  several  of 
his  wives  used  to  live,  and  across  the  street  the  magnificent  palace 
he  had  erected  for  his  nineteenth  wife,  who  was  generally  called  his 
favorite,  in  honor  of  whom  he  gave  it  the  name  of  Amelia.  It  is 
said  that  she  was  quite  beautiful,  but  I  can't  understand  how  any 
woman  possessed  of  either  beauty  or  brains,  with  self-respect,  could 
for  gold  or  palaces  consent  to  be  the  nineteenth  wife  of  a  great  ani- 
mal in  human  form ;  but  the  strangest  of  all  strange  things  in  this 
world,  I  believe,  are  the  freaks  of  human  nature. 

We  returned  to  the  hotel  at  six  o'clock,  and  had  an  excellent 
meal,  after  which  by  invitation  we  visited  Mr.  Henderson  in  his 
sample  room.  He  toid  us  he  had  an  engagement  with  Mr. 


306  SHAMS;     OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

(whose  name  I  purposely  omit),  the  Mormon  Bishop,  who  owns  the 
big  bookstore,  at  7  o'clock,  and  if  we  would  remain  he  would  intro- 
duce him  to  us,  and  we  would  find  him  a  jolly,  bright  fellow,  full  of 
Irish  wit  which  he  inherited  from  his  Irish  parents.  Mr.  H.  said  his 
customer  stuttered  terribly,  and  might  make  us  laugh. 

While  we  was  talking  about  the  bishop,  there  was  a  rap  on  the 
door,  and  as  Mr.  Henderson  opened  it,  there  he  stood ;  a  tall, 
sandy  complected  man  with  a  twinkle  about  his  eyes.  As  he  took 
Mr.  Henderson's  hand  in  response  to  a  good-evening  welcome  from 
Mr  H.,  he  bowed  and  said,  "  Go-go-go-go-go-good-e-e-e-e-e-e-evenin', 
good-evenin'."  ' 

Mr.  H.  turned  and  said  %'Mr. ,  let  me  make  you  ac- 
quainted with  some  old  friends,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Morgan,  of  New 
York,  who  have  stopped  here  for  a  few  days." 

"Ho-ho-ho-how  d-d-d-de  d-d-do.  How  de  do.  I-I-I-I'm  g-g-g-g 
glad — glad  t-t-t-to  me-me-me-meet  you.  Glad  to  meet  you.  It's  a 
f-f.f-f-f-fine  d-day.  D-d-d-do  yo-you  come  to  s-s-s-s-s-see  the  wi-wi 
wicked  M-M-M-Mormons?"  he  said. 

We  saw  he  was  of  a  happy  nature,  and  we  felt  free  to  ask  him 
some  questions,  which  he  as  freely  answered.  We  talked  consid- 
erable about  the  Mormons.  Finally  Clarissa  said  : 

"I  understand  you  are  a  Bishop,  which  I  presume  is  an  import- 
ant office  in  your  institution.  Now  I  want  to  ask  you  a  plain  ques- 
tion, and  would  like  a  plain  reply.  Are  you  a  Mormon  from  con- 
viction as  to  its  being  right  and  true,  or  for  fun,  or  for  the  money 
you  can  make  out  of  it?" 

In  reply,  he  said,  "T-t-t-to  b-be  p-p-p-p-plain,  i-i-it's  f-f-f-f-for  all 
th-th-th-th-three  re-re-re-reasons,  b-b-b-b-but  p  p-p-p-p-principally  the 
la-la-latter.  Y-y-you  s-s-s-s-see  I-I-I-I  am  c-c-c-convicted  in  m-m-my 
o-o-o-own  m-m-m-mind  tha-tha-tha-that  to  m-m-m-make  m-m-money 
is  ri-ri-n-right,  tha  tha-therefore,  therefore  my  c-c-c-c-convictions  is 
a-a-a-a-all  right ;  and  i-i-it's  f-f-f-fun  t-t-t-t-to  m-m-m-make  m-m-m-m- 
money.  So  you  s-s-s-see  I-I-I  am  a  M-M-M-Mormon  f-f-f-for  all  th-th 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES.  307 

three  re-re-reasons,  and-and-and  I  m-m-make  1-1-1-lots  of  m-m-money 
out  o-o-of  it.  Wouldn't  y-y-y.you  1-1-like  to  b-b-be  one?" 

Clarissa  very  emphatically  told  him  No ;  she  didn't  believe  in 
trading  principles  for  money. 

"B-b-but  m-m-m-my  d-d-dear  m-m-madam,  if-if-if  y-y-y-you  c-can 
ex-ex-ex-exchange  p-p-p-poor  p-p-p-p-principles  f-f-f-f-f-for  g-g-good 
m-m-m-mon-money,  th-th-the  m- m-m-money  b-b-b-becomes  g-g-good 
p-p-p-principle ;  a-a-and  y-y-y-you  c-c-c-can  af-af-af-afford  t-t-t-t-to 
th-th-th-throw  a-a-away  y-y-your  p-p-p-poor  p-p-p-principle.  D-don't 

y-y-y-yOU  S-S-SCC  ho-ho-how  it  is  ?" 

I  could  see  how  it  was  from  his  standpoint,  and  I  can  under- 
stand how  a  couple  of  dozen  shrewd  and  deceiving  men  organized 
and  promoted  the  growth  of  that  whole  institution,  and  became  the 
hierarchy  themselves,  for  money,  and  that  money  is  the  mainspring 
to  the  whole  Mormon  machine.  The  Deseret  Bank,  an  institution 
managed  by  this  hierarchy,  is  the  main  wheel  into  which  all  the 
smaller  wheels  fit,  and  play  their  necessary  part.  Honest  convic- 
tions of  conscience  have  led  many  to  embrace  the  strange  religious 
doctrines  and  belief,  while  a  desire  to  better  their  condition  has  led 
thousands  and  thousands  in  Europe  to  leave  homes  of  poverty  with 
the  prospects  of  beautiful  homes  in  a  land  flowing  with  milk  and 
honey,  and  come  to  this  country  only  to  be  made  slaves,  to  contrib- 
ute to  the  insatiable  greed  for  money  that  has  been  and  is  the  con- 
trolling spirit  of  the  leaders  of  this  institution;  and  while  this 
Bishop  spoke  half  in  jest,  he  revealed  the  true  spirit  aud  reasoning 
of  these  leaders. 

There  is  a  good  side  and  there  is  a  bad  side  to  this  institution. 
The  good  side  is  the  practical  results  that  have  given  thousands  and 
thousands  of  poor  people  homes  to  live' in,  if  not  paid  for,  and  the 
conversion  of  a  vast  desert  into  a  garden  of  fruit,  flowers,  and 
abundance  of  grain.  But  the  motive  of  the  organizers,  leaders  and 
contractors  of  the  church  is  one  of  fraud  and  swindle.  Hypocrisy 
of  the  deepest  and  darkest  kind  stamps  the  whole  concern.  The 


308 


SHAMS;  OR,  UNCLE  BENS 


incorporating  of  the  church  as  a  business  institution  under  the  Ter- 
ritorial laws,  establishing  the  tithing  scheme  under  pretense  of  giv- 
ing to  the  Lord  for  the  support  of  the  Church — the  building  of  the 
Temple  under  the  hypocritical  pretense  of  providing  an  executive 
mansion  for  Christ  to  dwell  in,  but  the  real  purpose  of  which  is  to 
extort  from  its  devotees  large  sums  of  money  to  go  into  their  hands; 


POLYGAMOUS   MORMON. 


a  temple  that  will  never  be  completed — stamps  the  origination  and 
perpetuation  of  the  scheme  with  fraud  and  wickedness. 

And  then,  the  most  infamous  of  all,  where  the  animal  shows  itself 
superior  to  the  spiritual  among  these  leaders,  is  polygamy.  That 
they  are  a  quiet,  \yell  disposed,  peaceable  class  of  people,  as  a  rule, 
does  not  for  a  moment  lessen  the  moral  degradation  of  the  leaders 
and  teachers  of  this  infamous  doctrine.  To  give  an  idea  why  I 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  309 

speak  in  such  strong  terms,  I  will  tell  you  what  Clarissa  and  I 
saw.  We  was  walking-  up  Temple  street  one  day,  and  a  gentleman 
called  our  attention  to  a  man  about  thirty  years  old  with  a  woman 
on  one  side  of  him  about  forty  years  old,  with  a  baby  in  her  arms, 
probably  six  weeks  old.  On  the  other  side  of  him  was  a  woman 
about  twenty  years  old,  with  a  baby  about  the  age  of  the  other  baby 
in  her  arms.  He  said,  "Both  of  them  women  are  that  man's  wives, 
and  one  of  them  is  the  mother  of  the  other,  while  each  of  them  are 
mothers  to  his  babies."  If  such  practical  results  of  the  teachings 
and  practices  of  this  Church  are  not  enough  to  damn  it,  then  cease 
to  censure  any  other  actions  of  the  human  race.  Under  this  mon- 
strous doctrine  human  convenience  is  substituted  for  human  love. 
As  Shakespeare  wrote  to  a  friend  once: 

"  Call  it  not  love,  since  love  to  heaven  hath  fled; 

And  passion,  base  usurper,  hath  taken  its  throne  instead." 

A  condition  of  society  that  creates  large  families  without  being 
able  to  establish  the  relationship  existing  among  them,  must  have  a 
tendency  to  destroy  all  the  finer  sentiments  of  the  human  heart. 

We  remained  in  Salt  Lake  City  a  few  days,  and  while  we  was 
well  treated,  and  saw  a  great  deal  to  interest  us,  the  more  I  saw  of 
some  of  the  leading  men,  including  President  Taylor  and  George  Q. 
Cannon,  representatives  who  was  acting  for  them  while  they  was 
off  hiding  from  the  officers  of  the  government,  the  more  I  read  in 
their  papers,  and  the  stuff  I  heard  them  preach  the  Sunday  I  was 
there,  the  more  I  was  convinced  that  there  was  the  biggest  lot  of 
contemptible  hypocrites  connected  with  the  Mormon  Church  that 
can  be  found  alive  in  America  out  of  jail. 

'  There  are  a  great  many  Mormons  that  are  pleasant  people,  and 
there  are  also  a  good  many  pleasant  fellers  .that  have  been  uniortunate 
enough  to  get  into  prison.  Pleasantness,  prosperity  and  peaceable- 
ness  don't  make  the  principles  of  the  institution  right.  Its 
founders  were  frauds  of  the  worst  type,  and  its  managers  have  been 


310  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

apt  scholars,  guarding  well  their  precious  treasure  and  all  the  ave- 
nues leading  to  it.  The  play  they  make  upon  the  ignorant  religious 
superstitions  and  prejudices  of  its  followers  is  their  gold  mine. 

Their  institution  has  left  its  filthy  tracks  on  every  foot  of  soil 
over  which  it  has  passed,  from  Palmyra,  New  York,  to  Indepen- 
dence, Missouri,  to  Nauvoo,  to  Council  Bluffs. and  thence  across  the 
plains  and  over  the  mountains  to  this  lovely  valley,  where,  taking  ad- 
vantage of  the  natural  barriers  surrounding  them,  it  flourished  and 


"  HOLINESS   UNTO   THE   LORD." 

spread  with  magic  speed,  so  that  from  the  few  that  landed  there 
for'y  years  ago  next  July,  it  has  reached  to  nearly,  if  not  quite, 
200,000,  which  is  more  followers  than  the  Saviour  had  300  years  after 
his  birth,  so  I  am  told. 

There  are  a  great  many  laughable  things  in  Salt  Lake  City. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  311 

One  is  a  large  signboard  with  an  open  eye  painted  on  it,  and  over 
and  under  the  eye  the  words,  "Holiness  unto  the  Lord,"  put  up 
over  the  door  of  a  whisky  saloon.  Profanity  does  not  seem  to  be 
out  of  order  by  officers  and  members  of  the  church.  The  cheating 
of  a  Gentile  is  strictly  in  order.  A  quarrel  between  two  Saints  gen- 
erally ends  in  both  Saints  taking  something  to  drink  at  the  other's 
expense  in  the  nearest  saloon.  A  quarrel  between  a  Mormon  and  a 
Gentile  generally  ends  in  one  of  the  parties  getting  an  overcoat. 

I  understand  that  Senator  Edmunds  has  got  up  a  bill  he  is 
going  to  paste  up  all  over  Utah  next  year.  He'll  have  quite  a  job 
of  bill-posting,  for  Utah  is  a  larger  country  than  most  folks  are 
aware,  and  it's  alive  with  people. 

After  taking  a  bath  in  their  famous  hot  sulphur  springs  bath- 
house, we  said  good-by  to  Mr.  Erb  and  some  friends  we  had  formed 
there,  and  left  for  Ogden,  where  we  remained  over  one  day  to  take 
a  drive  up  some  of  the  beautiful  canyons  and  around  where  we 
could  get  views  of  the  grand  mountains  which  rise  so  abruptly  and 
reach  enormous  heights.  Clarissa  is  captured  by  the  loveliness  of 
this  country,  and  says  if  it  wasn't  for  Mormonism  she  would  want 
to  move  here,  but  as  it  is  she  will  take  the  old  farm  in  Morganville 
and  be  contented,  for  there,  unlike  Utah  life,  by  her  own  fireside 
she  can  realize  what  the  poet  said  of  human  love  when  he  wrote: 

"  There  is  a  story  told 

In  Eastern  tents,  when  autumn  nights  grow  cold, 
And  round  the  fire  the  Mongol  shepherds  sit, 
With  grave  responses  listening  unto  it : 
Once,  on  the  errands  of  his  mercy  bent, 
Buddha,  the  holy  and  benevolent, 
Met  a  fell  monster,  huge  and  fierce  of  look, 
Whose  awful  voice  the  hills  and  forests  shook. 
'  O,  son  of  peace,'  the  giant  cried,   '  thy  fate 
Is  sealed  at  last,  and  love  shall  yield  to  hate.' 
The  unarmed  Buddha,  looking,  with  no  trace 
Of  fear  or  anger,  into  the  monster's  face, 
In  pity  said,   '  Even  thee  I  love. 
.   Lo!  as  he  spake,  the  sky-tall  terror  sank 
To  hand-breadth  size — the  huge  abhorrence  shrank 


312  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

Into  the  form  and  fashion  of  a  dove, 

And  where  the  thunder  of  its  rage  was  heard, 

Circling  above  him  sweetly  sang  the  bird — 

'  Hate  hath  no  charm  for  Iove,!  so  ran  the  song, 

'And  peace,  unweaponed,  conquers  every  wrong.'  " 

I  am  aware  that  the  country  is  flooded  with  books  and  news- 
paper articles  on  Mormonism,  therefore  I'll  say  no  more  about 
them.  I  only  envy  them  on  account  of  their  lovely  country  and 
healthful  climate,  a  climate  that  is  free  from  any  germs  of  disease. 
1  don't  envy  them  for  their  numerous  wives,  for  while  I  think  one 
wife,  if  she  is  a  good,  true  and  smart  one,  like  my  Clarissa,  is  the 
greatest  boon  to  man,  two  would  be  bad  luck,  and  a  multitude 
would  be  his  everlasting  damnation,  morally  and  socially,  and  ought 
to  brand  the  man  who  .enters  into  such  business  with  a  curse,  that 
should  make  his  name  a  hissing  and  byword  as  long  as  the  memory 
of  him  exists.  God  pity  the  poor  innocent  believers  and  supporters 
of  such  a  horrible  doctrine  as  polygamous  Mormonism  ! 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


313 


CHAPTER   XXIX. 

I  THOUGHT  we  would  go  from  Ogden  up  to  Helena,  Montana 
Territory,  and  visit  the  National  Park,  see  the  spouting  geysers 
-  and  other  curious  things  we  had  read  so  much  about, but  Clarissa 
said  that  while  she  would  like  to  take  the  trip,  she  thought  it  was  pru- 
dent not  to  do  so,  as  our  finances  was  working  down  considerably 
fast.  She  had  counted  over  the  money  last  night  and  found  that  we 
had  paid  out  pretty  nigh  $300  since  we  had  arrived  at  Chicago, 
and  in  case  we  should  fail  to  get  any  drawback  in  San  Francisco, 
\vj  would  need  all  we  had  got  with  us.  This  decided  the  case,  and 
we  took  the  train  the  next  morning  on  the  Central  Pacific  Railroad 
for  the  West. ' 

We  was  lucky  in  getting  down  stair  beds  for  both  of  us  in  the 
sleeping  car.  The  scenery  from  Ogden  to  Sacramento  is  in  the 
main  monotonous,  but  in  places  very  wild,  picturesque,  and  inter- 
esting. Nearly  every  one  who  reads  English  has  read  so  much 
about  it  that  I  will  not  take  your  time,  or  punish  you  with  such  ex- 
aggerated stories  in  regard  to  it  as  have  been  so  often  told.  I  found 
out  one  thing  to  be  true,  by  actual  observation,  and  that  is,  most  all 
the  descriptions  of  the  entire  route  over  which  we  have  traveled, 
are  overdrawn  and  exaggerated.  A  mountain  that  is  about  1,000 
feet  high  is  put  down  anywhere  from  1,500  to  5,000  feet  high,  and 
so  in  regard  to  everything  else  that  is  described.  To  keep  within 
the  limits  of  the  exact  truth,  seems  to  be  about  the  hardest  thing 
for  a  traveler  to  do.  The  longer  he  has  traveled,  the  harder  the 
task  becomes,  and  when  they  tell  their  stories  in  print  for  the  public 


3 14  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

to  read,  the  higher  color  they  can  gild  them  with  the  more  interest- 
ing they  think  they  will  be  to  the  reader. 

Commercial  travelers  are  noted  for  being  liars ;  the  longer  they 
have  been  on  the  road  the  more  accomplished  liars  they  become. 
Why  !  what  little  time  I've  been  traveling  I  feel  I'm  getting  to  be 
"somewhat  of  a  liar  myself;"  and  still  I  intend  to  confine  myself  as 
close  to  the  truth  as  I  can. 

There  is  something  in  the  air  of  a  car,  stage  coach  and  steam- 
boat, that  is  catching  when  it  comes  to  telling  stories  and  relating 


SANDY    BOWERS,    AN    UNEDUCATED    IRISHMAN. 

what  a  person  has  seen,  gone  through  and  experienced,  that  gives 
it  a  balloon  appearance. 

,  The  fellows  that  get  up  geographies  and  histories  are  troubled 
with  the  same  complaint  to  quite  an  extent.  Somehow  or  other 
distance  seems  to  add  greatness  to  scenery  as  it  does  to  noted  poli- 
ticians ;  they  haint  nowhere  nigh  as  great  when  you  are  at  home 
with  'em,  or  if  they  be,  you  see  so  many  of  the  little  things  that 
stick  out  all  around  'em,  that  their  greatness  is  very  materially 
lessened. 

.     The  first  place  we  stopped  off  at  was  Reno,  near  the  middle  of 
the  Truckee  Valley,  at  the  base  of  the  Sierra  Nevada  Mountains,. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  3x5 

and  fifty  miles  from  their  summit.  We  took  the  train  on  the  Vir- 
ginia and  Truckee  Railroad  for  Virginia  City,  which  is  only  sixteen 
miles  from  Reno,  as  a  crow  flies,  but  which  is  fifty-two  miles  by  this 
railroad.  I  think  it  must  be  the  crookedest  railroad  in  the  world; 
it  is  stated  that  if  all  its  curves  was  put  together  they  would  make 
seventeen  complete  circles.  They  never  allow  very  long  trains  to 
run  over  the  road,  for  fear  the  engine  might  run  into  the  hind  end 
of  its  own  train. 

We  went  thirty-one  miles  south  to  Carson  City,  the  capital  of 


SANDY   BOWERS   AFTER    HE   GOT  HIS   WEALTH. 

Nevada,  where  we  rested  for  the  night,  and  listened  to  marvelous 
stories  of  immense  fortunes  that  had  been  made  and  lost  in  that 
vicinity  in  the  palmy  days  of  the  glorious  past.  Gulliver  can't  hold 
a  candle  to  some  of  them  Carson  City  shams.  There  are  a  class  of 
fellows  that  loaf  around  these  Western  hotels  that  I  believe  the  land- 
lord hires  to  entertain  the  strangers  that  stop  within  his  gates,  with 
lies ;  the  bigger  liars  the  more  entertaining  they  are,  generally. 

We  passed  through  Washoe,  a  once  busy  but  now  a  played  out 
town,  sixteen  miles  south  of  Reno.  We  was  shown  the  Bowers' 
mansion,  a  magnificent  dwelling  built  by  Sandy  Bowers,  an  uned- 
ucated Irishman,  a  miner  who,  when  the  rich  deposit  of  gold-bearing 


316  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

quartz  was  discovered  at  Gold  Hill,  in  18.60,  owned  a  good  share  of 
the  vein,  and  he  soon  became  worth  millions.  He  erected  this  man- 
sion, bought  the  furniture,  carpets,  etc.,  for  it  in  France  at  an  enor- 
mous expense,  filled  the  spacious  grounds  with  beautiful  shrubbery 
and  had  the  most  costly  and  elegant  home  in  the  whole  State.  Like 
as  it  is  with  thousands  of  people,  his  great  misfortune  was  his  sud- 
den fortune,  for  while  it  come  to  him  swiftly  it  as  swiftly  left  him, 
left  him  worse  than  before  he  had  a  dollar  of  it;  and  now,  having 
dissolved  all  connection  with  earth  and  its  fleeting  scenes,  he  leaves 
a  widow  in  poverty.  The  magnificent  gardens  have  disappeared, 
and  the  great  mansion  stands  there  as  a  curiosity. 

The  next  morning  we  left  Carson  City  for  Virginia  City,  stop- 
ping at  Mound  House,  about  half  way  between  the  two  cities,  near 
Sutro,  the  outlet  of  the  Sutro  Tunnel.  This  tunnel  strikes  the  great 
Comstock  mine,  1,898  feet  below  the  surface  croppings  of  the  Gould 
&  Curry  mine.  It  is  19,790  feet  long,  and  cost  .$4,500,000  for  con- 
struction. It  drains  and  ventilates  the  mines. 

An  hour  after  leaving  Mound  House  we  was  in  the  far-famed 
Virginia  City,  noted  the  world  over  for  the  marvelous  fortunes  that 
have  been  made  there  in  mining  and  mining  speculation. 

One  of  the  wealthiest  if  not  the  richest  man  in  America  is  Mr. 
J.  W.  Mackay,  who  has  made  millions  of  dollars  at  this  place.  It  is 
not  a  difficult  thing  to  hear  and  read  about  the  fortunes  made  at  this 
and  in  other  places,  nor  to  ascertain  the  names  of  the  parties  who 
have  had  their  pockets  tickled  by  the  goddess  fortune,  but  of  the 
fortunes  lost,  of  the  thousands  upon  thousands  that  have  chased  her 
deceiving  figure  to  this  and  hundreds  of  other  places,  with  bright 
hopes  and  great  expectations,  and  dropped  every  nickel  they  pos- 
sessed and  walked  away  hungry  paupers,  nothing  is  said  ;  and  it  is 
a  very  difficult  task  to  find  them  all  out,  and  still  more  difficult  to 
trace  out  the  dark  and  damnable  tricks  and  schemes  that  have  been 
resorted  to  to  swindle  and  rob  the  unfortunates.  ;<  You  can  safely 
calculate  that  for  every  dollar  that  has  been  taken  out  of  the  won- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  317 

derful  mines  here — the  richest  mining  camp  in  the  world  in  days 
gone  by — there  has  been  a  dollar  dropped  by  some  one."  An  old 
miner  who  told  me  he  had  lived  and  worked  there  for  more  than 
twenty  years,  said  :  "  Stranger,  if  you  want  to  see  the  tallest  hypo- 
crites, the  biggest  liars,  under  pretense  of  telling  the  truth,  you 
go  into  a  gold  or  silver  mining  camp  and  live  there  for  six  months." 
While  I  listened  to  his  remarks,  I  could  not  help  seeing  Geo.  Wad- 
dles and  Jim  Teeters  right  in  front  of  me.  ' 

Virginia  City,  with  Gold  Hill,  has  about  7,000  population,  and  is 
built  on  the  side  of  a  steep  hill.  The  entire  7,000  souls  depend 
upon  the  Comstock  Lode  for  their  existence.  The  Comstock  Lode 
is  composed  of  twenty  mines,  namely  :  Utah,  Sierra-Nevada,  Union, 
Mexican,  Ophir,  California,  Consolidated  Virginia,  Savage,  Best  & 
Belcher,  Gould  &  Curry,  Hale  &  Norcross,  Chollar,  Bullion,  Ex- 
chequer, Alpha,  Imperial,  Yellow  Jacket,  Kentuck,  Crown  Point, 
Belcher.  The  deepest  workings  are  3,000  feet  below  the  surface. 
The  total  yield  since  1860,  has  been  $350,000,000. 

I  heard  so  much  about  gold  and  silver  and  great  fortunes,  that 
I  was  all  fuzzed  up;  I  didn't  know  but  what  I  might  run  right  into 
a  big  fortune  in  spite  of  myself,  before  I  got  out  of  that  part  of  the 
universe.  I  knew  one  thing,  and  that  was  that  I  wouldn't  get 
caught  in  any  swindling  speculation  that  would  involve  the  loss  of  ' 
more'n  fifty  cents,  as  that  was  the  limit  of  my  visible  pile  of  cash  at 
that  time,  and  so  long  as  Clarissa  carried  the  money,  I  didn't  have 
a  particle  of  fear  of  getting  caught  in  any  schemes.  After  eating  a. 
hearty  supper,  and  listening  for  three  hours  to  tall  stories,  every  one 
of  which  was  tipped  and  trimmed  with  gold,  and  heavily  lined  with 
silver,  I  went  to  bed.  It  was  not  long  before  sleep  stole  away  con- 
sciousness. Soon,  however,  I  was  suddenly  transcontinentalized — 
to  use  the  fashionable  language  of  this  winter's  congress— to  my 
father's  old  farm.  There  I  was  cleaning  out  the  cow  stable,  and 
milking  with  freezing  fingers,  coming  in  to  a  late  supper,  going  to 
an  early  and  cold  bed  in  the  chamber  attic,  getting  up  by  candle- 


318  SHAMS;  OR,  UNCLE  BEN'S 

light  in  the  morning,  doing  all  the  chores,  and  then  walking  over  a 
mile  over  the  snowdrifts  to  the  little  schoolhouse,  getting  hold  of  a 
book  that  one  of  the  boys  at  school  let  me  have,  telling  about  the 
wonderful  gold  fields  of  California,  and  the  fun  there  was  in  getting 
it,  and  how  anybody  with  pluck  in  their  heart  and  sand  in  their  giz- 
zard, could  be  worth  a  million  in  a  few  years ;  how  tired  I.  got  cf 
the  cold  and  hard  life  I  was  having  on  the  farm,  when  an  eagle  fly- 


DOING   CHORES   AT   4   O'CLOCK.   IN   THE   MORNING. 

ing  over  the  barnyard,  while  I  was  watering  the  horse,  flew  down 
and  grabbed  me  in  her  claws  and  carried  me  with  lightning 
speed  over  the  great  States  of  Ohio,  Indiana,  Illinois,  Iowa,  Ne- 
braska, Colorado,  the  Rocky  Mountains,  and  the  great  Tabernacle 
in  Salt  Lake  City,  and  dropped  me  down  in  Virginia  City,  and  before 
I  had  time  to  thank  her  for  the  wonderful  trip,  two  little  angels  as 
sweet  as  sweet  could  be,  flew  down  from  the  clouds  into  my  lap. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  3^ 

One  had  rosy  cheeks  and  crimson  lips,  and  golden  wings,  and  said, 
"Young  man  from  Samuel  Morgan's  cow  barn,  in  Morganville, 
Blank  County,  New  York,  ain't  you  tired  of  those  coarse,  dirty  boots?"' 
I  was  muchly  agitated  as  I  tremblingly  said  I  guessed  I  was,  when 
suddenly  my  boots  by  some  magic  power  flew  off  and  out  of  sight, 
and  the  rosy  cheeked  angel  stooped  and  put  on  my  feet  a  pair  of 
elegant,  eighteen-karat  solid  gold  slippers.  The  other  angel  had 
light  blue  eyes,  blonde  curly  hair  and  the  loveliest  freckled  cheeks 
that  ever  adorned  a  face,  and  silver  wings;  and  as  he  stroked  my 


THE   GRAND    MASTER   OF    THE    FIREWORKS. 


hair  so  softly,  he  said,  "  Young  man  from  the  rural  districts  of  the 
Empire  State,  your  clothes  smell  a  little  fresh  of  the  bovine  kine 
and  the  fruits  of  the  udder;  wouldn't  you  like  to  change  them  for 
new  robes  ?  "  I  was  so  surprised  I  couldn't  speak,  but  with  a  con- 
senting wink  of  my  left  eye,  I  nodded,  "Yes."  Immediately  my 
clothes  left  me,  and  the  angel  put  a  beautiful  robe,  woven  of  pure 
silver  onto  me,  and  then  both  angels  put  a  crown,  made  of  gold 
and  studded  with  diamonds  and  rubies,  on  my  head,  and  said  to  me: 
"  With  this  crown  we  make  you  this  day,  King  of  the  Big  Bonanza. 
Ask  for  what  you  may.  and  it  shall  be  yours,  except  one  thing,  which 


320  SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE   BENS 

you  cannot  have,  by  accepting  this  crown."  I  asked  them  what  that 
was,  and  they  said,  "The  crown  of  everlasting  life."  And  in  the 
twinkling  of  an  eye  the  angels  had  flown  out  of  sight.  I  was  dizzy 
with  the  thought  of  being  so  suddenly  the  possessor  of  such  vast 
wealth.  What  to  do  with  it,  puzzled  me ;  and  then  the  thought  of  los- 
ing my  chance  in  the  crown  of  everlasting  life  annoyed  me  terribly, 
and  while  I  still  sat  there  with  my  crown  of  jewels,  and  silver  robe 
and  golden  slippers  on,  turning  the  wheel  of  thought  in  my  mind, 
and  wondering  one  minute  and  trembling  the  next,  a  horrid  mon- 
ster, with  huge  ears  and  fiery  eyes,  holding  in  his  hand  a  fork  of  red 
hot  iron,  rose  up  out  of  the  earth  in  front  of  me,  and  with  a  voice  that 
seemed  to  shake  the  mountains  that  echoed  back  from  their  rocky 
sides  his  awful  command,  said,  "Come!  You  are  mine.  I  have 
bought  you  with  these  glittering  trinkets  with  which  you  are 
clothed  and  crowned,  and  they,  together  with  your  soul,  belong  to 
me;  and  I  want  you  to  go  with  me!"  1  was  so  scared, "my  hair 
stood  erect,  and  I  stammered  out,  "  Who  be  you  ?  "  He  said,  "  I 
am  the  Devil,  the  grand  master  of  the  fireworks  down  below. 
Come  with  me  ;  you  must  go."  In  horror  I  shrank,  and  cried, 
"  How  and  when  did  you  buy  me?"  "  I  sent  my  gold  and  silver 
imps  in  the  guise  of  angels,  and  they  gave  you  the  things  with 
which  I  purchase  more  souls  than  with  any  other  price  I  pay." 

"  Say  what  you  will, 

Think  what  you  may, 
The  truth  is  still. 

Gold  is  the  pay 
For  which  a  man, 

Tho'  sick  or  well, 
.  Does  all  he  can 

His  soul  to  sell." 

I  tried  to  reason  how  I  had  of  my  own  will,  sold  myself  to  even 
chese  angels,  but  even  reason  forsook  her  throne,  and  I  was  his  prop- 
erty. He  reached  his  bony  fingers  out  to  take  my  arm,  when  sud- 
denly I  awoke.  Oh,  what  a  sigh  of  relief  I  heaved.  A  reliefer  sigh 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  32 f 

was  never  heaved  by  mortal  man,  and  I  just  hollered  out,  "Thank 
God,  it's  nothing-  but  a  dream."  My  hollering  awoke  Clarissa,  who 
wanted  to  know  what  ailed  me.  I  told  her  to  wait  a  minute  and  I'd 
tell  her.  I  got  up  and  lit  the  gas,  and  of  all  the  lookin'  sights  our 
room  was  the  worst.  Usually  I  am  pretty  orderly  and  have  a  good 
deal  of  system.  When  I  go  to  bed  and  retire,  I  lay  my  coat  in  the 
chair  first,  then  my  vest,  then  my  pantaloons,  and  then  1  draw  the 
chair  up  side  of  the  head  of  my  bed,  and  put  my  shoes  and  socks 
down  on  the  floor  in  front  of  the  chair,  and  that  was  the  way  I  done 
when  I  went  to  bed  and  retired  this  time. 

When  I  lit  the  gas  one  of  my  shoes  was  in  the  washbowl,  and 
t'other  was  in  the  slopjar  ;  one  sock  was  lodged  in  the  transom  over 
the  door,  and  one  was  under  the  back  side  of  the  bed.  The  pants 
was  in  the  middle  of  the  floor,  and  the  chair  was  bottom  side  up  on 
top  of  my  coat  and  vest,  and  the  pillow-case  was  pulled  onto  my 
head.  I  didn't  notice  it  until  I  went  in  front  of  the  looking-glass  on 
top  of  the  bureau — (they  had  regular  sleeping-car  pillows  in  this 
hotel).  I  explained  to  Clarissa  my  dream,  and  told  her  how  scared 
I  was  after  I  got  through. 

She  said,  "  Benjamin,  that  is  either  a  prophetic  dream,  or  else 
you  have  had  a  nightmare.  I  told  you  not  to  eat  them  twelve 
big  pancakes  for  supper,  if  you  expected  to  sleep."  "  We'll,"  says  I, 
"pancakes  never  affected  me  that  way  before, but  them  dumb  stories 
about  fortune,  etc.,  is  what  has  set  hard  on  my  stomach,  and  I  be- 
lieve  the  dream  is  a  warning  for  us  not  to  love  money  more'n  life 
and  our  fellow  men,  and  above  all,  not  to  stay  in  Virginia  City 
another  day,  if  I  value  your  and  my  eternal  happiness,  for  it's  as 
catching  here  as  the  measles,  and  we'll  take  the  first  train  for  Reno." 


322  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 


CHAPTER   XXX. 

tFTER  a  light  breakfast,  we  took  the  8  o'clock  train,  and  was  in 
Reno  in  time  to  catch  our  west-bound  train.  Once  more  on  our 
regular  journey,  and  nearing  its  latter  end,  we  felt  better.  I 
did,  especially.  This  time  we  was  unfortunate  about  the  sleeping-car 
arrangements,  as  we  couldn't  get  a  down-stairs  bed  for  either  one  of 
us,  and  we  had  to  take  what  the  porter  calls  uppers. 

We  wanted  to  stop  at  Truckee,  and  take  the  stage  for  Lake 
Tahoe — we  had  heard  so  much  about  it;  but  it  was  a  little  too  cold, 
and  we  was  somewhat  tired.  So  we  was  content  to  listen  to  the 
stories  of  some  of  the  passengers  who  got  on  there  that  had  visited 
the  wonderful  lake,  twenty-two  miles  long  by  ten  wide,  and  1,800  feet 
deep,  whose  waters  are  so  clear  that  they  say  you  can  see  the  bot- 
tom, where  it  is  sixty  feet  deep. 

At  Truckee  we  strike  the  steep  grade  reaching  from  there  to 
the  summit,  which  averages  seventy-nine  feet  to  the  mile.  At  Sum. 
mit  we  are  7,020  feet  above  the  sea  level,  and  are  surrounded  with 
very  wild  and  interesting  scenery.  We  go  through  a  i,659-feet 
tunnel,  and  begin  the  descent  of  the  mountains  to  Emigrant  Gap. 

A  person  that  is  a  lover  of  romantic  scenery  can  spend  a  couple 
of  days  in  this  vicinity  very  pleasantly;  can  climb  to  the  summit  of 
Castle  Peak,  and  Fremont  Peak,  if  he  is  a  good  climber,  and  with  a 
good  glass  can  take  in  an  immense  scope  of  country,  both  in  Ne- 
vada and  California.  We  made  no  more  stop  offs  until  we  arrived 
in  Sacramento,  the  capital  of  the  paradise  of  the  old  forty-niners, 
California,  a  lively  business  city  of  20,000  souls.  From  this  city  the 
traveler  can  take  the  trains  for  Los  Angeles  and  San  Diego. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


323 


The  change  we  experienced  in  arriving  in  California  was  pleas- 
ing indeed.  Passing  out  of  winter  into  mild  spring,  from  cold,  dead 
and  desolate  mountains,  clad  in  snow,  into  green  valleys,  where 
flowers  bloom  and  fruit  trees  bud  for  the  coming  harvest,  is  as  de- 
lightful as  going  from  the  cheerless  woods  in  New  York,  where  the 
farmer  has  been  chopping  wood  all  day,  with  cold  feet,  into  a  warm  and 
cheerful  house  to  be  entertained  by  young  and  mirthful  friends,  and 


A  REGULAR   OLD  '4QER. 

a  bounteous  table,  loaded  with  choice  fruits  and  flowers.  In  his 
enjoyment  he  soon  forgets  the  cold  without.  A  few  days'  living  in 
the  delightful  California  climate  causes  one  almost  to  forget  the 
winter  he  has  left  behind. 

Again  we  was  on  board  the  cars  and  rolling  on  to  the  desti- 
nation of  our  great  excursion  ride  across  the  American  continent. 
We  took  a  regular  passenger  instead  of  the  sleeping-car,  and  was 


324  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

pleased  with  the  change,  for  we  saw  a  much  greater  variety  of  peo- 
ple coming  in  and  going  out  than- we  did  in  the  sleeper.  In  the 
front  seat  set  a  couple  of  pigeyed  Celestials,  while  on  the  opposite 
side  was  one  of  the  old  settlers,  a  regular  old  forty-niner,  whose 
brindled  locks  fell  upon  his  shoulders  like  a  Fiute  squaw,  while 
under  the  shade  of  his  broad-brimmed  hat  and  heavy,  shaggy  eye- 
brows sparkled  a  couple  of  black  eyes  that  seemed  to  tell  a  story  of  a 
long  and  hard  experience  with  the  gold  and  silver-winged  angels 
and  his  Satanic  majesty.  There  was  an  air  about  him  that  seemed 
to  say  that  the  latter  had  been  his  master,  and  that  he  had  been  in 
hard  luck. 

Most  every  nation  seemed  to  be  represented  in  that  car — Spainr 
France,  Italy,  Germany,  Russia,  Austria,  Ireland,  Scotland,  Eng- 
land, New  York,  Chicago,  and  Missouri. 

To  walk  slowly  through  the  car  and  hear  them  all  talk,  one 
would  think  they  had  been  ordered  by  King  Babel  to  some  city  to 
erect  another  tower.  We  didn't  pretend  to  understand  what  they 
was  talking  about,  but  by  their  actions  I  knew  they  was  talking 
about  something  or  other. 

Clarissa,  in  remarking  about  the  confusion  of  tongues  with 
which  we  was  surrounded,  said,  "  If  Sarah  Smuggins  and  Betsy 
Teeters  was  here,  the  thing  would  be  complete,  and  the  car  itself 
would  be  a  good  first  story  to  start  a  tower  with." 

At  Benicia,  thirty-three  miles  from  San  Francisco,  we  crossed 
the  Strait  of  Carquinez  on  the  largest  ferry-boat  ever  built — the 
Solano,  424  feet  long,  and  1 16  feet  wide.  Our  whole  train  ran  right 
onto  the  boat,  and  when  we  got  across  our  engine  pulled  us  on  land 
again.  We  whizzed  along  at  a  rapid  rate  until  we  reached  the  west- 
ern rim  of  the  city  of  Oakland,  by  which  we  slowly  passed,  running 
out  on  a  mole  one  and  a  half  miles  beyond,  to  a  large  station-house 
on  the  bay. 

We  changed  to  an  elegant  ferry-boat,  and  soon  started  to  cross 
the  four-miles  wide  bay.  We  went  on  deck.  It  was  evening,  and 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


325 


the  sight  before  us  was  grand.  To  our  right  was  quietly  sleeping 
Goat,  Angel,  and  Alcatraz  Islands ;  to  our  left,  glistening  in  the 
moonlight,  was  the  Golden  Gate,  while  in  front  was  the  City 
of  a  Hundred  Hills,  the  successor  of  two  old  villages,  San  Fran- 
cisco, named  by  Franciscan  friars  who  settled  there  in  1776 


rising  up  before  us  with  its 
thousands  of  gaslights,  like  a 
mountain  of  stars  kissing  their 
sister  stars  above. 
In  twenty  minutes  we  landed  and  took  a  carriage  for  the  Bald- 
win Tavern,  where  we  secured  an  elegant  private  bedroom  and  set- 
tled down  for  the  night  with  a  feeling  of  rest  and  satisfaction  to 
know  we  had  reached  the  end  of  our  journey,  and  Clarissa  and  I 
could  pillow  our  heads  on  the  great  Pacific  shore.  I  had  already 
dreamed  my  dream,  and  Clarissa  was  entitled  to  have  her  dream 
now. 


326  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 


CHAPTER  XXXI. 

HE  next  morning  the  noise  of  the  newsboys  and  rattling 
wagons  awoke  us,  and  looking  out  onto  Market  street  we 
thought  we  was  in  Chicago,  but  the  fact  that  the  atmos- 
phere was  so  different  dispelled  that  idea. 

I  asked  Clarissa  what  she  dreamed.  She  said  she  was  so  tired 
and  sleepy  when  she  went  to  bed  she  never  thought  a  word  about 
dreaming,  but  she  felt  young  and  strong,  and  ready  to  put  in  the 
day  sight-seeing. 

We  had  a  splendid  breakfast,  and  enjoyed  the  hour  we  was  in 
the  big  dining  room  very  much.  There  was  lots  of  fine  dressed 
women  and  men  eating  breakfast,  and  we  heard  some  women  sitting 
at  the  next  table  to  us  talking  a  good  deal  like  them  women  in  Mr. 
Palmer's  dining  room  in  Chicago,  and  Clarissa  said  she  guessed  the 
women  was  pretty  much  alike  the  world  over — them  that  wants 
to  be  good  are  good  and  kind,  and  them  that  wants  to  be  mean  and 
hypocritical  are  as  mean  as  they  know  how  to  be — regular  slander- 
ing hypocrites.  I  was  so  biling  mad  to  hear  'em  slandering  folks 
that  according  to  their  own  talk  had  been  friends  to  'em,  that  I  was 
just  going  to  wheel  round  and  give  'em  a  piece  of  my  mind  when 
Clarissa,  perceiving  my  mind  (she  is  an  awful  perceiver,  and  can 
tell  what  a  person  is  thinking  about  before  they  speak  a  word),  said: 

"Benjamin,  stop!  don't  you  do  it.  It's  no  use  for  us  to  under- 
take to  make  folks  true  and  honest  by  talking  to  'em.  We'll  find,  if 
we  undertake  it,  that  we've  got  a  bigger  task  on  our  hands  by  two 
thousand  times  than  General  Grant  had  in  driving  the  rebels  out  of 
Vicksburg." 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  327 

Clarissa  was  right,  and  I  knew  she  was,  so  I  finished  my  break- 
fast and  let  the  rest  of  'em  alone. 

After  breakfast  Clarissa  and  I  went  down  to  the  office  and  in- 
quired for  the  office  of  Dodgem,  Skipem  &  Oppenheimer.  The  smart 
young  fellow  behind  the  counter  twisted  his  red  moustache  several 
times  in  a  meditative  manner  as  though  he  didn't  know  whether 
'twas  best  to  answer  our  questions  or  not,  and  turning  so  as  to  get 
the  most  sparkle  possible  on  the  big  sign  for  a  glass  factory  he  had 
deposited  on  his  shirt  bosom,  finally  condescended  to  tell  us  that  he 
didn't  know  any  such  persons  in  the  city. 

I  told  him  if  it  wasn't  too  much  trouble  I'd  be  much  obliged  to 
him  if  he'd  show  me  some  one  that  wouldn't  spoil  by  answering  a 
few  civil  questions.  Just  then  a  middle-aged  gentleman,  standing 
near  the  counter,  overhearing  my  remarks,  says,  "Mr. — what  is  it 
you  want  to  know  ?  Perhaps  I  can  tell  you."  This  man,  I  found 
out,  was  the  proprietor  of  the  tavern,  and  it  didn't  hurt  him  a  mite 
to  talk  like  a  gentleman,  which  he  was.  I  asked  him  about  the 
agents  of  Ketchem,  Holdem  &  Skinem,  and  handed  him  the  card  of 
Dodgem,  Skipem  &  Oppenheimer.  He  said  he  would  send  a  boy 
with  me  to  the  street  and  number  indicated  on  the  card,  but  he  had 
never  heard  of  the  firm.  I  told  him  about  the  excursion,  and 
showed  him  the  advertisement,  and  then  told  him  how  I  had  to  pay 
for  everything,  and  received  the  promise  of  a  rebate  to  be  paid  to  me 
for  all  these  extra  charges  at  this  office,  and  showed  him  the  checks. 

The  landlord  shook  his  head  in  a  doubtful  manner,  and  said  the 
names  of  the  parties  didn't  inspire  much  confidence  in  his  mind 
that  the  thing  was  very  honest. 

The  boy  started,  while  Clarissa  and  I  followed  until  we  found 
the  place,  which  was  a  small,  dingy  room  in  a  dirty-looking  part  of 
the  city,  not  far  from  the  wharf  where  our  ferry  boat  landed  us.  We 
went  into  the  office  and  found  a  fellow  behind  a  desk:  As  we  went 
in  he  got  up  and  come  up  to  us.  He  weighed  about  140  pounds, 
had  a  horrible  big  nose  shaped  like  a  parrot's  bill,  a  little  low  fore- 


328  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

head,  short,  kinky  black  hair,  and  black  eyes  that  could  look  right 
through  you. 

There  was  something  about  our  manner  and  looks  that  told  him 
what  we  was  there  for. 

I  said,  "Is  Mr.  Dodgem  in?" 

"Ah,  mein  frent,  you  vants  to  see  Mr.  Dodgem,  doen't  you  ? 
Yis.     Veil,  I  am  reely  sorry,  but  Mr.  Dodgem  dodged  onto  a  train 
for  Ni  Yark  last  Vendsday,  and  ve  haf  not  heard  von  word  from 
him  sense." 
"Well,"  said  I,  "is  Mr.  Skipem  in?" 

"Veil,  now,  mein  frent,  it  vas  reely  too  bad  agin !  You  see, 
mein  frent,  Mr.  Skipem  vas  a  vary  nice  shentleman,  and  from  a 
vary  respectable  family,  but  the  poor  feller  had  the  consumption 
ven  he  come  oud  here  from  Boston.  He  thought  this  climate  vud 
cure  him,  but  effry  sense  he  vas  here  he  has  had  a  horwyble  cough, 
und  last  Saturday  night,  ven  all  vas  still,  the  poor  feller  skipped  the 
country." 

"Where  did  he  skip  to?"  I  asked. 

"Oh,  mein  frent,  he  must  haf  skipped  right  up  to  Heflen  !  Oh, 
it's  too  bad ;  Sharley  vas  such  a  nice  feller.  I  am  reely  sorry  he 
isn't  here  for  you  to  meet  him." 

"Well,"  said  I,  "I  suppose  your  name  must  be  Oppenheimer,  as 
I  don't  see  anybody  else  in." 

"Yis,  that  vas  mein  name.  Vas  there  anything  I  can  do  for  you, 
mein  frent  ?" 

I  said,  "Yes,"  and  immediately  produced  my  tickets,  rebate 
checks,  receipts,  and  the  company's  advertisement,  and  the  card  of 
Dodgem,  Skipem  &  Oppenheimer,  and  told  him  my  story,  which 
was  backed  up  by  the  testimony  of  my  beloved  Clarissa. 

He  looked  the  papers  and  checks  all  over,  and  then,  with  a  holy 
grin  on  his  dirty  yellow  countenance,  that  looked  as  though  it  had 
been  handed  to  him  by  Jacob  and  his  forefathers  (for  certainly  it 
was  an  old  grin)  said,  as  he  wrung  his  hands  together : 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES., 


329 


"  Ah !  mein  frent,  I  am  not  the  Oppenheimer  you  vas  looking 
for.  I  don't  belong  in  that  firm.  I  vas  a  broker  in  diamonds.  It 
is  mein  pruther,  Moses  Oppenheimer,  what,  is  the  member  of  that 
firm.  Reely  I  vas  vary  sorry  for  you,  but  mein  pruther  Moses 
sailed  for  Europe  last  Sunday,  the  day  we  all  luf  to  observe  on  ac- 
count of  the  Holy  Shesus.  I  don't  know  vat  can  pe  done  for  you." 

Said  I,  "Haven't  they  left  any  one  here  to  attend  to  their  busi- 
ness, and  hasn't  the  company  made  any  arrangements  for  doing 
as  they  agreed?" 


MOSES   OPPENHEIMER. 


"Veil,  now,  mein  frent,  I  don't  know  nudding  at  all  apout  that 
company  or  any  of  their  arrangements.  Only  I  know  mein  pruther 
paid  lots  of  money  to  Eastern  passengers  coming  in  here  on  a  big 
•excursion,  but  I  spose  the  firm  haf  vound  up  their  peeziness." 

While  we  was  talking  to  this  son  of  Abraham,  a  fine,  healthy- 
looking  young  fellow  come  in  through  the  back  door,  smoking  a 
cigar,  and  threw  some  papers  on  the  desk ;  at  the  same  time  a  fine- 
dressed  young  man  come  into  the  front  door,  and  approaching  the 
young  man  that  come  in  from  the  back  door,  hollered  out : 


330  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

"  Well,  well!  Charley  Skipem,  old  boy,  how  do  you  do?" 

"  My  dear  Ben,  by  George,  I'm  glad  to  see  you ;  when  did  you 
leave  Boston?  and  how  are  the  folks?  did  you  see  my  father  and 
mother  before  you  left  ?  Come  in  Ben  and  have  a  seat,  and  tell  me 
all  the  news,  and  everything  about  yourself." 

During  this  short  conversation  between  Charley  Skipem  (who 
died  last  Saturday  night)  and  his  old  friend  Ben,  Mr.  Oppenheimer's 
face  had  turned  ashy  pale.  Mr.  Skipem,  upon  noticing  it,  hollered 
out,  "  Moses  Oppenheimer,  what  in  the  devil  ails  you  ?"  Moses 
sank  into  a  chair  as  limp  as  a  dish  rag,  and  cried  out : 

"  Oh  !  mein  Shesus,  mein  Shesus  !  You  vos  proke  us  all  up  in 
peezness,  and  our  hull  tam  shanty  vill  pe  arrested;"  and  the  Jew 
fainted,  while  I  took  advantage  of  the  situation  and  asked  Charley  if 
he  was  Mr.  Skipem  of  the  firm  of  Dodgem,  Skipem  &  Oppenheimer. 

He  replied  that  he  was. 

I  asked  him  if  that  sick  Jew  was  his  partner.     He  said  he  was. 

Then  I  told  him.  who  I  was,  where  I  was  from,  and  produced 
the  advertisement,  my  tickets,  checks,  rebate  receipts,  etc.,  and  de- 
manded a  settlement. 

He  began  to  hem  and  haw,  and  said  he  was  very  sorry  that  he 
could  not  do  anything  for  me.  "  The  fact  is,"  said  he,  "  the  funds 
deposited  with  us  for  rebates  on  those  excursion  tickets  have  all  been 
exhausted,  and  I  can't  pay  any  more  rebates  until  the  company  ad- 
vance more  funds." 

"Well,"  said  I,  "  I  have  already  paid  an  extra  price  on  tickets, 
and  sleeping  car  fares  and  meals,  to  say  nothing  about  the  enormous 
railroad  fare  in  Colorado,  Utah  and  Nevada,  over  $380,  and  I  want 
my  pay;  and  if  you  don't  settle  this  at  once  I'll  have  you  arrested 
in  less  than  five  minutes."  I  got  hopping  mad  when  I  discovered 
their  scheme,  through  their  lying  sOn  of  Abraham,  and  I  thought 
I'd  scare  them  if  I  couldn't  do  any  more. 

"  Well,"  said  Skipem,  "  I  haint  got  any  of  the  company's  money, 
and  I  don't  see  how  I  can  pay  you." 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


331 


"  Well,"  said  I,  "  I'll  see  how  you  can."  So  I  asked  Clarissa  to 
write  a  note  to  the  landlord  of  the  Baldwin  Tavern,  to  send  an  offi- 
cer right  down  here,  and  I'd  send  it  right  up  to  him  by  the  boy, 
who  was  still  here.  Then  Mr.  Skipem  said,  "  Look  here ;  rather 
than  have  any  trouble,  I'll  pay  you  the  $200  extra  that  you  paid  for 
your  tickets  in  Syracuse,  and  will  write  to  Ketchem,  Holdem  and 
Skinem,  and  state  the  case  and  tell  them  to  send  me  the  funds,  and 
you  come  here  before  you  leave  the  State,  and  I'll  have  it  all  fixed 
up  for  you." 


'YOU   VOS   PROKE   US   ALL  UP   IN   PEEZNESS. 


I  said,  "  Very  well,  I'll  take  it  that  way." 

Then  he  sat  down  and  wrote  out  a  check  for  $200  on  a  bank 
(that  had  been  busted  for  more'n  four  years)  and  handed  it  to  me. 
I  asked  him  what  he  wanted  me  to  do  with  that?  "  Why,"  said  he, 
"  take  it  around  to  the  bank  on  Montgomery  Street,  and  get  your 


money. 


Yes !"  said  I,  "  well,  I'll  do  nothing  of  the  kind.     I  want  the 
cash." 

"  Well,  then,"  said  he,  "  I'll  go  around  and  get  it  for  you.     You 
just  stay  right  here  till  I  come  back." 


332  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

Said  I,  "  I  guess  not ;  you  died  last  Saturday  night,  and  your 
Moses,  there,  sailed  for  Europe  Sunday.  I  guess  I'd  better  go  right 
along  with  you,  for  fear  you  may  die  on  the  way." 

"  Why,  what  do  you  mean  ?"  said  he. 

Said  I,  "  I  mean  that  you  are  a  confounded  hypocritical  set  of 
swindlers,  and  I  wouldn't  trust  you  out  of  my  sight." 

He  grew  red  in  the  face  and  finally  went  to  his  safe  and  got  the 
money  and  gave  me  $200,  and  handed  me  a  receipt  for  the  money 
for  me  to  sign,  which  I  did. 

As  we  left  the  office  I  said  to  Clarissa,  "That  is  $200  more  than 
I  really  expected  to  get."  Said  she,  "  I  wouldn't  be  a  bit  surprised 
if  the  money  is  counterfeit." 

We  returned  to  the  Baldwin  and  I  got  the  landlord  to  give  me 
-directions  for  finding  the  principal  points  of  interest' in  the  city.  I 
went  to  the  postoffice  and  got  some  letters  that  was  sent  to  us  by 
mail  and  returned  to  the  tavern,  went  to  our  room,  where  Clarissa 
and  I  read  the  letters.  The  first  one  we  read  was  from  Mary,  and 
was  as  follows: 

"THE  VILLAGE,  BLANK  Co.,  N.  Y.,  ) 
"December  6,  1886.      f 

"DEAR  MA: 

'  *I  have  been  expecting  a  letter  from  you  every  day,  but  have  not  received  but  the  one 
you  wrote  in  Chicago.  I  was  so  glad  you  consented  to  my  request.  I  showed  your  letter  to 
Ebenezer,  and  it  tickled  him  so  that  he  forgot  what  he  was  doing  when  he  waited  on  the  next 
customer,  which  was  a  woman  from  up  north  of  the  village,  who  called  for  fifty  cents  worth 
of  granulated  sugar,  and  he  weighed  out  and  wrapped  up  twelve  pounds  of  salt ;  and  then  a 
boy  that  came  in  after  a  quart  of  white  vinegar,  got  a  quart  of  kerosene.  Eb  said  you  was 
.a  darling  good  old  lady,  and  he  was  going  to  kiss  you  when  you  got  home. 

"Well,  we  was  married  last  Sunday  night,  in  the  front  room,  where  he  and  I  was  sitting 
the  night  you  come  home  from  Smuggins'.  We  had  to  get  Elder  Danberry  to  marry  us  as 
the  Baptist  minister  was  away  from  home.  I  invited  our  old  neighbors  in,  and  they  all  had  a 
good  time  except  Sarah  Smuggins,  who  seemed  to  be  out  of  sorts  all  the  evening.  Abe  be- 
haved real  nice,  and  hitched  up  the  horse  for  us  to  take  a  sleigh  ride.  After  it  was  all  over, 
we  drove  down  to  the  village  and  staid  all  night  at  Brown's  tavern.  We  have  just  com- 
menced housekeeping  up  stairs  over  the  store  where  Teeters  used  to  live.  Oh!  ma,  you  don't 
know  how  much  fun  we  are  having.  Eb  is  up  stairs  two-thirds  of  the  time,  and  he  wants  to 
kiss  me  all  the  time.  Say,  ma  ;  can  you  tell  me  what  is  good  for  sore  and  chapped  lips  ?  My 
lips  are  dreadful  sore.  I  think  it  was  from  taking  cold  in  them  when  Abe  brought  us  down 
'here  Sunday  night.  Ebenezer  has  had  to  hire  a  clerk  since  we  got  married,  as  he  don't  get 
lime  to  wait  on  all  his  customers.  He  says  that  I  draw  trade  wonderfully  ;  that  although  I 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  333. 

have  not  been  in  the  store  an  hour  altogether  since  we  was  married,  yet  every  one  of  our  old 
neighbors  and  friends  are  trading  with  him.  Say,  ma  ;  can  you  tell  me  what  is  good  to  make 
me  sleep?  I  haven't  slept  scarcely  a  wink  for  the  last  five  nights,  and  I  feel  just  as  tired  as 
though  I  had  done  a  big  washing.  Oh  !  Eb  is  a  perfect  darling,  he  is  so  good  to  me  ;  but 
ma,  he  is  troubled  with  an  awful  headache.  What  had  I  better  give  him  for  it  ?  He  has  got 
our  rooms  all  furnished  up  just  as  nice  and  pretty  as  they  can  be.  He  is  such  a  dear  good 
darling  ;  and  the  cook  stove  is  splendid.  He  is  as  neat  as  wax.  The  carpet  on  the  front 
room  is  three  ply.  He  helps  me  get  the  meals  and  wash  the  dishes  and  says  it  is  fun,  and 
then  winds  up  by  kissing  me  a  dozen  times.  The  curtains  are  buff  and  have  got  a  brass  ring 
on  the  bottom  of  them.  He  brings  up  all  the  wood  and  water,  and  stops  to  kiss  me  each 
trip.  I  brought  the  organ  from  home,  and  have  got  it  in  the  front  room.  He  carries  all  the 
slops  down  stairs  for  me,  and  says  it's  fun.  The  bedstead/  and  bureau  are  black  walnut,  and 
are  real  nice.  He  made  up  the  bed  this  morning,  and  the  looking-glass  is  a  large  nice  one  ; 
the  carpet  is  rag,  and  was  presented  to  me  by  Abby  Standish.  He  shuts  the  store  up  real 
early  so  as  to  be  with  me  during  the  evening.  Our  dining-room  table  is  a  t$n  foot  ash  exten- 
sion. Aint  he  awful  nice  ?  We  have  got  a  room  all  fixed  up  nice  for  you  and  pa  to  sleep  in 
when  you  get  home.  Oh  !  he  is  just  too  sweet  for  anything.  Now  ma,  write  me  just  as  soon, 
as  you  get  this,  and  let  me  know  when  you  are  coming  home.  I  hope  it  will  be  soon.  He 
is  hollering  for  me  to  come  down  to  the  store  to  sell  some  candy,  as  he  is  awful  busy  and  hasn't 
time  to  come  up  stairs  to  see  me.  So  I'll  have  to  go,  and  bid  you  good-by. 

"Your  loving  daughter,  MARY." 

"Well,"  said  I,  "she's  got  it  bad,  haint  she?" 

"  Well,"  said  Clarissa,  "it  looks  that  way;  but,  Benjamin,  you 
know  they  always  have  it  worse  the  first  part  than  any  other  time, 
but  generally,  when  they  have  a  severe  attack  the  first  week,  it  aint 
apt  to  last  very  long/' 

"Is  that  so?"  said  I.  "  Well,  it  will  be  a  good  thing  for  Eb's- 
business  if  it  don't,  for  if  it  does,  his  business  won't  be  apt  to  last 
very  long."  It  was  my  turn  to  read  my  letter  now,  so  I  tore  open 
the  envelope,  and  read  out  loud  my  letter,  which  was  from  Abe,  and 
is  as  follows,  to-wit: 

"DEER  DAD.  mary  has  got  marreD.  and  I'm  golldarned  glad  on't,  i  never  got  so  sick  uv 
enny  thing  in  mi  life  as  i  hav  uv  bur.  she  haz  ackted  like  a  golldarned  fule  fur  the  last 
munth,  until  she  got  marred,  she  wuld  go  around  the  house  like  a  kat  with  fits,  and  i  had  to 
hitch  up  the  old  mare  and  taker  down  to  the  villege  every  forenoon,  and  every  nite  i'd  hav 
tu  take  care  uv  plunkits  Horse,  i  didnt  git  ennything  tu  eat  haf  the  time,  After  she  got 
your  letter,  she  jest  went  krazy  she  cum  up  tu  me  and  kissed  me.  and  kissed  the  hired 
man  an  kissed  the  pump  and  kissed  the  old  brindled  kow.  She  ackted  like  a  fule,  until  the 
nite  she  got  marred— Then  she  behaved  sweet,  and  I  wuz  glad  ont,  and  sence  then  she  has 
ben  down  to  the  villege,  and  dolly  dulittle  has  bin  keeping  house  fur  us,  and  we  hav  plenty  tu 
eat  now  and  dolly  iz  az  allfired  nice  az  she  can  be,  and  she  luks  kinder  sweet  on  me  every  time 


334  SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

i  cum  in  the  house,  say  pa,  The  old  mare  slipt  down  tother  day  and  spraned  hur  back,  and 
i'm  frade  she  wont  git  well  and  missis  boyles  iz  sick  with  morbus  kolick  and  dave  Kirk  wuz 
sude  fur  cheatin  the  baptist  minister  in  a  hoss  trade,  and  george  waddles  haz  had  to  sell  his 
farm  to  git  monney  enuff  tu  pay  fur  his  swindlin  and  keep  from  goin  to  Jale — and  he  and  hiz 
wife  hav  packed  up  thayer  goods  and  are  goin  to  go  to  Chicago  and  pa  and  ma,  i  wish  you 
-would  hurry  home  i  want  you  to  take  kare  uv  the  cows  and  help  milk,  so  good  by, 

"Your  dutiful  AbraHam." 

Clarissa  said,  "  Well,  there  haint  any  deceit  about  Abe.  What 
he  thinks,  he  says."  "  Yes,  just  like  his  dad,"  I  replied. 

There  was  another  letter  1  had  not  yet  opened,  so  I  tore  it  open 
and  read  it,  viz.: 

'THE  VILLAGE,  BLANK  Co.,  N.  Y., 

"Dec.  7,  '86. 
4 'MR.  BENJAMIN  MORGAN,  San  Francisco,  Cal. 

Dear  Sir  : — We  regret  being  obliged  to  ask  you  to  make  your  visit  to  the  Pacific  Coast 
*hort  and  hasten  home,  but  certain  things  have  recently  developed  in  relation  to  the  Waddles 
difficulty,  and  other  things,  that  we  deem  it  to  your  interest  to  be  here  before  the  next  term 
of  court,  which  commences  four  weeks  from  to-morrow.  If  you  can  arrange  to  be  here 
within  two  and  a  half  weeks,  or  three  at  the  outside,  from  now,  we  should  like  to  have  you  do 
so.  It  will  be  to  our  mutual  interest  for  you  to  do  so. 

"Very  respectfully  yours, 

"BARKLY  &  EVANS,  Bankets" 

I  was  perfectly  surprised  at  the  contents  of  this  letter,  and 
could  not  possibly  imagine  what  was  up.  We  talked  the  matter 
over,  and  concluded  to  look  around  San  Francisco  for  two  or  three 
days,  then  go  down  to  Los  Angeles,  stay  there  one  day,  and  then 
take  the  Southern  Pacific  Railroad  home. 

After  we  had  dinner  we  started  out  to  take  the  whole  city  in, 
and  know  all  we  could  about  it  in  the  short  time  we  had  allowed 
ourselves.  We  went  through  the  new  City  Hall,  the  United  States 
Mint,  taking  some  specimens  from  the  mint  with  us,  the  National 
Treasury,  the  Palace  Tavern,  the  Standard  Theater,  the  Panorama 
Hall,  the  Vienna  Garden,  the  Mercantile  Library,  the  Mechanics' 
Institute,  the  Mechanics'  Pavilion,  the  Hammam  Baths,  the  Art 
School,  the  California  Market,  the  Fish  Market,  Leland  Stanford's 
residence,  Saint  Patrick's  Church,  the  Hop  Wo  Joss  House,  the 
Ning  Wong  Joss  House,  the  Kong  Chow  Joss  House,  the  Dan  San 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  335 

Fung  Theater,  the  Anu  Quai  Yuen  Theater,  the  Chinese  Mer- 
chants' Exchange,  and  the  Cliff  House,  and  Fort  Point  Narrows  of 
Golden  Gate. 

Considering  that  we  took  all  these  and  some  other  points  that 
was  interesting  in,  and  got  an  idea  of  them  in  three  days,  we  think 
we  done  pretty  well  for  green  farmers.  Nothing  escaped  our  notice 
that  we  saw,  and  we  wasn't  afraid  to  ask  all  kinds  of  questions. 

I  was  most  interested  in  Chinatown,  as  there  I  met  a  class  of 
people  that  don't  grow  in  Mprganville  or  anywhere  nigh  there. 
Their  pigeyes  and  pigtails,  greasy,  yellow  faces  and  heathenish 
countenances;  their  funny  shoes,  and  pantalet  breeches,  with  their 
shirts  hanging  outside,  was  so  different  from  any  other  kind  of  folks 
that  I  couldn't  keep  from  looking  at  them  as  I  would  a  menagerie, 
and  the  way  they  lived,  ate,  slept,  and  done  business  was  so  peculiar 
that  I  come  to  the  conclusion  that  they  must  have  been  dropped 
down  onto  the  earth  from  some  of  the  planets.  I  presumed  they 
fell  from  Jupiter,  as  they  look  as  though  they  might  be  a  cross  be- 
tween a  Jew  and  the  original  Peter,  for  the  way  they  live,  move  and 
have  their  being,  is  strongly  suggestive  that  they  came  from  some 
celestial  climate,  and  are  bound  for  the  place  to  which  it  is  said 
Peter  carries  the  keys,  and  have  stopped  temporarily  on  the  surface 
of  old  earth  to  pick  up  what  they  can,  like  flies  in  summer,  and 
carry  it  along  with  them.  Like  the  bothersome  flies,  they  are  con- 
tent with  a  little  at  a  time,  but  they  are  all  the  time  after  that  little, 
and  when  I  found  out  there  was  about  25,000  of  them  in  this  city 
I  could  readily  see  how  they  managed  to  get  pretty  much  all  the 
subsistence  away  from  the  respectable  white  laborers. 

I  had  read  in  the  papers  during  the  past  ten  years  more  or  less 
about  the  persecution  of  the  poor  Chinaman  on  the  Pacific  Coast, 
and  naturally,  1  come  to  the  same  conclusion  that  most  of  the  Eastern 
people  have — that  they  was  a  innocent  and  honest  class  of  folks, 
being  imposed  upon  and  persecuted  by  a  lawless  set  of  Irish  vaga- 
bonds. But  my  ideas  have  undergone  a  radical  change,  for  1  find 


336  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

the  honest  laborers,  including  Irish  and  all  other  kinds,  have 
been  driven  almost  to  want  and  poverty  by  these  pesky  transient 
heathen,  who,  by  their  low  wages  and  miserable  living,  serve  to  fat- 
ten the  pockets  of  the  avaricious  capitalists  of  the  Pacific  Slope,  and 
rob  the  honest,  respectable  white  laborer  of  his  livelihood ;  and  I 
ask  my  Eastern  friends,  in  justice  to  humanity  and  the  facts  in  the 
case,  not  to  waste  their  sympathetic  brine  and  spoil  their  lovely 
countenances  with  red  eyes  for  the  poor,  persecuted  heathen  in  Cal- 
ifornia. If  these  are  true  representatives  of  that  Celestial  country, 
I'll  pray  to  the  Creator  to  keep  Jupiter  on  t'other  side  of  the  earth, 
and  under  no  circumstances  let  him  roll  through  the  heavens  over 
the  Empire  State,  and  fill  its  domains  with  any  of  its  windfalls. 

Hypocrisy  crops  out  all  along  the  sunny  Pacific's  slope,  as  thor- 
oughly, and  in  some  instances,  more  so,  as  it  does  on  the  Atlantic 
side  of  this  great  country.  I  would  like  to  refer  to  many  instances 
where  I  met  it  in  all  its  grandeur  and  submitted,  to  its  tricks  in  be- 
ing swindled  to  the  extent  of  what  little  loose  change  I  had  in  my 
pockets,  but  I  haintgot  time  to  do  it. 

I  am,  every  day  of  my  life,  convinced  that  the  wisest  thing  that 
Benjamin  Morgan  ever  done  in  his  whole  life,  was  to  make  his  wife 
Clarissa,  the  banker  and  general  financial  manager  of  the  firm  of 
B.  Morgan  &  Wife.  Ever  since  he  done  that  deed,  the  swindling 
hypocrites  have  had  mighty  poor  picking  in  his  patch  ;  and  my  ad- 
vice to  the  male  sex  in  general  is  this  :  First,  wait  before  you  marry 
a  female,  until  you  are  old  enough  to  know  what  you  want  to  marry 
her  for ;  then  pick  out  a  level  headed,  smart  woman  of  the  female 
sex  and  marry  her.  Don't,  under  any  circumstances  marry  a  fool 
because  she  is  pretty,  nor  a  male  woman,  because  she  can  talk  and 
argue,  but  take  a  genuine,  sweet-tempered,  but  firm  female,  and  then 
make  her  what  the  name  of  her  sex  indicates  she  Ought  to  be — a 
fee-male,  and  give  her  the  fees  that  you  receive  from  your  business, 
and  let  her  take  care  of  it,  and  you'll  be  surprised  in  ten  years  to 
know  how  much  she  has  saved  for  you,  and  how  many  chances  of 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


337 


being  swindled  you  have  escaped.  In  case  she  doesn't  prove  to  be 
a  good  financial  manager,  you'll  have  the  satisfaction,  at  least,  of 
having  some  one  else  beside  yourself  to  blame  for  your  lack  of 
prosperity. 

Of  course,  I  am  aware  that  circumstances  alter  cases.  You 
might  not  have  any  money  for  her  to  take  care  of.  In  such  cases, 
you  needn't  pay  any  attention  to  this  piece  of  gratuitous  advice, 
and  you  needn't  bother  her  with  the  responsible  duties  of  being 
your  cashier. 


338  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEX 


CHAPTER    XXXII. 

HREE  days  of  San  Francisco  life  has  crowded  mj  head  with 
many  pleasant  things  that  may  be  profitable  for  me  to  keep 
there,  until  such  time  as  I  want  to  draw  them  out. 

We  took  the  morning  train  for  Los  Angeles,  stopping  on  our 
way  to  visit  some  of  those  mammoth  trees  whose  wonderful  pro- 
portions have  been  described  by  every  press  in  the  world,  and  no 
one  thinks  of  visiting  California  without  writing  a  full  description 
of  them,  even  if  they  haven't  been  within  a  hundred  miles  of  them, 
and  generally  they  will  manage  to  lie  all  they  dare  to  about  them. 
They  are  all-fired  big  trees,  anyhow,  and  it  makes  you  dizzy  to  try 
and  watch  a  mosquito  light  on  one  of  the  top  branches.  I  mean 
one  of  the  branches  on  the  top  of  the  trees — these  big  tall  trees  I'm 
talking  about,  is  what  I  mean.  I  saw  the  biggest  one  in  Cali- 
fornia, and  walked  around  it.  I  was  tired  when  I  got  around  to  the 
point> I  started  from,  I  acknowledge,  but  what  of  that?  I've  been 
pretty  tired  at  times  when  I  hadn't  walked  half  as  far,  but  that's  no 
sign  that  it's  necessary  for  them  to  build  a  horse  railroad  around  it, 
so  the  visitor  can  see  the  tree  on  all  sides  the  same  day,  and  save 
the  expense  of  five  dollars  for  staying  over-  night,  in  order  to  finish 
his  tour  of  inspection. 

I  went  into  the  hollow  place  inside,  and  I  know  now  by  my  own 
observation,  that  it  haint  half  large  enough  to  accommodate  a  crowd 
at  a  World's  Fair  as  the  Calif ornians  have  been  hinting  about.  As 
I  said  before,  it  is  an  all-fired  big  tree,  but  there  has  been  a  tremen- 
dous big  lot  of  lies  told  about  it.  Out  of  respect  to  this  king  oi 


THE    DEAD   GIANT. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  34! 

the  forests  and  his  cousins,  and  his  sisters  and  his  aunts  (I  wish  I 
knew  who  rung  that  bell  in  my  ears,  then?)  I  guess  I'll  let  'em  stand 
there,  and  go  on  to  Los  Angeles. 

The  ride  to  this  city,  made  famous  by  its  fruits  and  wines,  is 
delightful.  The  cars  are  well  filled  with  natives  and  tenderfeet — 
the  latter  being  in  the  majority.  The  train  talk  differs  from  what 
you  hear'on  the  Eastern  railroads,  as  it  consists  largely  of  expres- 
sions of  surprise  and  wonderment,  such  as,  "  Oh,  oh !  Isn't  that 
grand  !  "  "  Say,  Jennie,  haint  that  pretty  ?  "  "  Yes ;  and  George, 
do  you  see  that  mountain  peak  off  yonder  ?  "  "  Oh,  do  you  mean 
that  one  that  glistens  in  the  sunlight?  "  "Yes;  it  looks  like  the 
Bartholdi  statue  when  the  torch  is  blazing."  "  Oh,  say  !  what  are 
those  pretty  trees?"  "Why,  those  are  orange  trees;  that  is  an 
orange  grove.  Don't  you  see  that  farmhouse  almost  hid  in  their 
shade  ? "  "  Oh,  yes  ;  now  I  do.,"  etc.,  etc. 

The  talk  of  the  natives,  instead  of  being  on  the  topic  of  hogs 
and  cattle,  is  about  mines  and  orange  plantations,  with  an  occa- 
sional story  of  some  San  Francisco  scandal,  in  which  some  United 
States  Senator,  or  banker,  or  big  gun  of  some  kind,  or  a  common 
preacher  is  mixed  up  with  some  woman  of  the  female  sex. 

The  average  Californian  that  one  meets  in  traveling  through 
the  country,  seems  to  live  and  grow  fat  on  sensation.  It  makes  but 
little  odds  what  it  is ;  anything,  from  the  torturing  of  a  pigeyed 
heathen  to  the  killing  of  an  editor ;  from  kissing  another  man's 
wife,  to  the  real,  genuine  domestic  happiness  and  purity  of  a 
family  (considered  a  rarity  by  some),  so  long  as  the  news  is  fresh, 
and  likely  to  create  a  little  breeze,  it  is  a  good  meal,  and  seems  to 
be  relished. 

Of  course,  I  don't  mean  to  apply  this  remark  to  the  general 
run  of  residents  in  the  Golden  State,  but  to  the  average  of  them 
that  you  meet  on  the  trains  and  boats,  and  at  the  taverns.  And  for 
that  reason,  I  understand  that  a  first  class  liar  that  can  swing  the 
quill  in  good  shape,  has  no  difficulty  in  getting  a  good  paying  job 


342  SHAMS  ;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

as  a  reporter  for  the  press  in  the  Golden  State.  There  is  not  any 
more  difficulty  in  finding  first  class  liars  in  California,  than  there  is 
in  Nevada,  Chicago,  Omaha,  Denver,  or  even  New  York,  but  to  get 
one  that  can  use  the  pen  in  a  smooth  and  rapid  manner,  and  can 
wrap  up  his  stories  in  Webster's  choicest  words,  is  not  so  easy  a 
task,  consequently  good  reporters  get  good  pay.  A  reporter  that 
can  tell  both  sides  of  a  lie  in  good  shape  at  the  same  time,  can  get 
double  pay  by  working  for  two  opposition  papers  at  once.  He 
wants  to  possess  the  qualities  of  that  reptile  that  has  the  power  to 
change  his  color  at  will.  Most  good  liars  get  in  the  habit  of  telling 
their  lies  in  the  same  style,  consequently  they  are  unfit  for  newspa- 
per use  as  double-barreled  reporters,  and  have  to  content  them- 
selves in  lying  for  small  papers  at  moderate  pay .  A  reporter  that 
confines  himself  strictly  to  the  truth  has  no  commercial  value,  and 
consequently,  is  out  of  the  market.  Even  tract  publication  con- 
cerns have  no  use  for  them !  When  I  was  in  Chicago,  Clarissa  tried 
to  get  such  a  situation,  but  they  wouldn't  give  her  enough  to  board 
her  at  a  free  lunch  counter.  One  would  think  females  would  make 
good  reporters,  but  there  haint  a  newspaper  in  the  country,  not  even 
a  temperance  journal,  that  will  hire  them.  I  know  no  other  reason 
for  it  than  that  they  are  too  truthful.  I  find  I  have  pretty  nigh  for- 
got  to  tell  what  I  started  out  to,  which  was  about  our  arrival  at  Los 
Angeles. 

We  got  into  "  The  City  of  the  Angels,"  Los  Angeles,  in  the  even- 
ing. The  sun  had  crossed  the  Pacific,  or  had  sailed  over  its  pacific 
bosom  out  of  sight,  but  had  left  his  rays  of  gold,  crimson  and  pur- 
ple on  the  sky,  and  scattering  clouds  that  seemed  to  spread  over  the 
great  ocean  like  a  huge  crazy  quilt,  and  looked  like  a  sublime  pic- 
ture, set  in  a  dark  navy  blue  velvet  frame,  the  surrounding  shades 
of  night  furnishing  the  velvet.  We  took  a  omnibus  to  the  principal 
tavern.  I  was  going  to  mention  the  name  of  this  house,  and  speak 
well  of  it,  but  the  landlord  charged  us  for  everything  we  had,  just 
as  if  he  never  expected  to  meet  us  again  on  earth  or  in  heaven,  and 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


343 


considered  it  his  last  chance  to  shear  us  lambs,  and  I  wont  say  a 
word  about  his  tavern,  for  I  don't  want  to  do  either  him  or  the  trav- 
eling public  any  harm. 

We  didn't  intend  remaining  but  one  day,  but  there  was  so  much 
to  be  seen,  and  something  so  enchanting  about  the  place,  that  we 
staid  there  two  days,  and  then  hated  to  leave.  We  felt  almost 
bound  to  it,  and  had  it  not  been  for  them  letters  we  received  in  San 
Francisco  I  wouldn't  be  surprised  if  we  had  staid  there  until  now. 


''A   LITTLE   FOR   THY   STOMACH'S   SAKE." 

When  the  Spaniards  founded  this  place  in  1781,  they  named  it 
the  "Los  Angeles,"  which  means  the  city  of  the  angels.  Judging 
from  its  lovely  location  in  one  of  the  finest  valleys  in  the  world, 
fourteen  miles  from  the  great  Pacific,  divine  inspiration  must  have 
caused  them  to  give  it  that  name.  If  the  angels  ever  occupied  the 
city,  they  have  long  since  flown  away.  I  have  no  doubt  that  the 
avaricious  speculator  and  land  grabber  put  up  a  deal  with  them 
and  froze  them  out.  At  any  rate,  there  are  no  angels  there,  but  the 


344  SHAMS;  OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

land-grabber  and  lot  speculator  is  there  in  all  the  glory  and  strength 
of  his  prime,  and  is  pretty  nigh  monarch  of  all  he  surveys. 

This  is  one  of  the  beauty  spots  of  nature.  Nature  and  art 
seem  to  have  joined  hands  here  and  received  the  approving  compli- 
ment of  the  Infinite:  "  It  is  good;  Yea,  very  good.  I'll  bless  thee 
with  sunshine  and  dew  ;  thy  fields  shall  yield  abundance." 

The"  orange  groves,  orchards  and  vineyards  are  wonderful,  and 
furnish  millions  of  people  throughout  the  United  States  with  delica- 
cies for  the  table. 

I  had  to  lay  aside  my  scruples  on  the  drinking  question,  and 
take  some  of  their  elegant  wine.  The  force  of  St.  Paul's  sugges- 
tion to  Timothy,  "  Take  a  little  wine  for  thy  stomach's  sake  and 
thine  oft  infirmities,"  seemed  to  appeal  to  my  conscience  and  set- 
tled the  question  in  favor  of  the  wine,  which  I  imbibed  several 
times  while  I  was  there.  Clarissa  told  me  she  was  afraid  Saint  Paul 
would  have  a  tremendous  accouut  to  settle  if  he  had  to  father  all 
the  drunkards  in  the  world.  She  said  there  was  more  hypocrites 
sailing  under  Saint  Paul's  advice  to  Timothy,  than  under  all  other 
banners  in  the  world,  "And  now,"  said  she,  "  you  have  joined  the 
band." 

Her  remarks  was  cutting,  and  I  found  I  had  got  to  lie  .if  I  ex- 
plained it  under  that  old  sham.  So  I  up  and  said,  ".Well,  Clarissa, 
I  wont  lie.  I  drank  the  first  glass  of  the  wine  to  see  what  it  tasted 
like,  and  I  have  drunk  the  rest  of  them  'cause  I  like  it." 

I  haven't  got  any  headache,  toothache,  stomach  ache,  weak 
lungs,  liver  complaint,  rheumatism  nor  scaldhead,  to  offer  as  an  ex- 
cuse for  drinking  that  wine  ;  and  I  haint  Timothy  nor  any  relation 
to  him  ;  so  I've  either  got  to  lie  for  an  excuse,  or  tell  the  truth,  and 
I  prefer  to  maintain  the  purity  of  my  standard  of  principle,  and  own 
up  to  the  real  reason  why  I  drank  the  fluid  extract  of  grapes  man- 
ufactured in  the  City  of  the  Angels.  I  have  firmly  resolved  not  to 
drink  any  more  of  it  for  fear  I  shall  like  it  muchly,  and  I  advise  my 
friends  to  quit  drinking  just  before  you  take  the  first  drink. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES. 


345 


CHAPTER  XXXIII. 

1TH  regret  we  leave  the  angelic  city  of  delicious  fruit  anc 
sparkling  wine,  California's  rosy-cheeked  joy,  but  the 
time  comes  when  the  best  of  good  things  must  separate. 
There  is  no  such  thing  in  this  world  as  permanency  in  union  ;  the 
bonds  will  and  must  break  in  time,  and  then  separation  follows. 
We  turned  our  faces  eastward.  A  bright  star  shining  in  the  heav- 
ens over  the  Empire  State,  marked  the  exact  location  of  Morgan- 
ville,  Blank  County,  and  henceforth  was  to  be  our  guide.  What  its 
beauteous  rays  foretold,  we  could  not  understand,  as  the  missives 
we  received  in  San  Francisco  seemed  to  cloud  affairs  in  that  lo- 
cality with  a  veil  of  mystery. 

Although  we  had  for  two  days  been  dwellers  in  the  City  of  the 
Angels,  'nary  an  angel  condescended  to  tell  us  whether  to  joy  or  sor- 
row we  was  urged  to  return  by  the  banker's  letter,  and  the  feeling 
of  uncertainty  and  doubt  was  more  annoying  than  the  real  facts, 
however  unpleasant,  could  have  been. 

Right  here  let  me  ask  some  of  our  learned  men  in  the  school  of 
metaphysics  why  it  is  that  men  and  women  can't  be  honest  and  frank 
enough  to  write  about  plain  facts  in  a  plain,  straightforward  man- 
ner, and  not  go  to  work  and  make  a  great  mystery  out  of  a  simple 
fact,  and  if  it  is  unpleasant  news  they  have  to  communicate  put 
their  hand  on  an  honest  pen  and  make  it"  say  the  words  plainly,  that 
its  recipient  may  know  the  worst  as  it  really  is,  instead  of  torturing 
him  with  cruel  and  hypocritical  ambiguous  phrases  of  uncertainty  ? 
If  it  is  joyous  news  they  have  to  impart,  why  mix  the  wormwood 


346  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

of  doubt  witlrthe  sugar  of  bliss  in  store,  thereby  destroying  the 
delectable  dish, and  converting  it  into  stale  grapes?  I  don't  suppose 
any  of  them  will  be  able  to  give  any  better  explanation  than  the 
one  Clarissa  gave  me  just  now,  as  ske  looked  over  my  two  shoul- 
ders while  I  was  asking  this  question.  She  said, — 

"Benjamin,  that  is  simple  enough ;  it's  because  the  folks  that 
write  that  way  can't  help  it,  they  have  so  much  sham  in  their  make 
up.  They  couldn't  be  plain  yes  and  no  kind  of  folks  if  they  tried  to." 

I  believe  Clarissa  is  right.  That  banker,  Brown,  down  to  the 
village,  could  just  as  well  have  wrote  me  plain  just  what  was  up, 
as  to  have  done  as  he  did,  if  he  hadn't  been  born  a  sort  of  hypocrite. 

Here  I  am  chasing  alter  a  figure  that  hasn't  any  business  figur* 
ing  in  this  book,  and  I  am  sorry,  patient  reader  (if  you  have  read 
the  book  so  far)  that  I  have  inflicted  this  trip  after  a  figure  onto 
you;  but  if  you  haven't  read  the  book  I  am  glad  I  have  done  the 
inflicting,  for  you  deserve  it.  If  you  allow  all  the  other  cranks  to 
stuff  their  books  into  your  head,  you  ought  to  give  me  an  equal 
show  with  the  other  idiots  that  think  they  can  write  something.  I 
will  invite  you  to  "  get  on  board"  the  Southern  Pacific  train  and 
go  East  with  us. 

"  Some  great  writer  has  said,  "  There  is  a  limit  to  all  good 
things."  Much  as  I  regret  the  discovery  was  ever  made,  I  have 
always  found  it  out  to  be  a  fact.  Even  that  beautiful  suggestion  of 
the  immortal  Horace  G.,  "  Go  West,  young  man  ;  GO  WEST,"  good 
as  it  seems  to  be,  has  a  limit,  for  you  finally  arrive  at  a  point  where 
you  can't  go  west  unless  you  are  a  good  swimmer.  Clarissa  and  1 
had  reached  that  point,  and  as  we  started  out  to  travel  for  a  period 
of  what  Julia  Spear  in  her  essay,  called,  "  Tempus  fugiting,"  but 
which  being  translated  from  the  Turkey ses  language,  means  "flying 
time,"  we  would  have  been  obliged  to  go  East  about  now,  if  banker 
Brown  hadn't  urged  me  to  come  home. 

Clarissa  and  I  have  talked  it  over  and  we  have  concluded  to 
not  let  that  letter  worry  us  at  all,  and  take  our  time  in  going  home. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


347 


Life  is  too  short  to  perspire  it  all  out,  and  if  we  keep  cool  we  will  last 
longer.  And  now  if  you'll  go  East  with  us,  we  will  have  a  good 
time,  but  if  you  wont,  just  you  watch  us  while  we  go,  and  see  what 
nice  things  we  pick  up  on  our  way  between  the  wine  cup  of  California 
and  the  pleasant  meadows  of  Uncle  Ben  Morgan's  farm  in  Mor- 
ganville,  Blank  County,  New  York,  and  look  out  for  "Tidings  of 
Comfort  and  Joy." 


A  STREET  SCENE  IN  LOS  ANGELES. 


We  took  the  train  leaving  Los  Angeles,  of  the  Southern  Pacific 
Railroad,  at  seven  o'clock  Tuesday  morning.  The  usual  perform- 
ance was  undergone  in  securing  our  bedrooms.  This  time  Clarissa 
and  I  concluded  we  would  take  a  box  room  pretty  nigh  one  end  of 
the  car  so  she  could  lay  down  during  the  day  if  she  felt  tired.  We 
found  this  to  be  an  improvement  over  the  up  and  down-stair 


348  .  SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE  BEN'S 

arrangement,  as  we  could  be  a  little  more  secluded,  and  then  it  was 
higher  toned,  and  gave  us  an  appearance  to  the  rest  of  the  passengers 
of  being  millionaires,  and  you  know  there  is  a  little  satisfaction  in 
being  considered  wealthy  where  you  aint  known. 

We  paid  our  respects  to  the  colored  lord  of  the  car  in  the  shape 
of  a  fifty-cent  piece  in  order  to  secure  civility  on  his  part. 

It  is  surprising  how  much  colored  respect  and  attention  you 
can  buy  for  fifty  cents.  I  lost  my  identity  as  a  Morganville  cow- 
stripper,  and  was  taken  for  Spreckles;  whether  it  was  because  ot 
my  wealthy  appearance  or  because  of  Clarissa,  who  looked  as  sweet 
as  a  hogshead  of  Sandwich  Island  sugar,  I  couldn't  tell,  but  I  sup- 
pose it  was  on  account  of  that  box  room  and  the  fifty  cents. 

The  common  passengers  looked  up  to  me  with  a  sort  of  rever- 
ential air,  and  was  very  polite  to  us.  Clarissa  had  on  the  black  crow 
grain  silk  dress  she  bought  in  Field's  store  in  Chicago,  and  which 
she  intended  to  give  to  the  poor  busted  speculator's  wife,  for  whom 
it  was  made,  but  which  she  didn't  do  on  account  of  not  having 
time  to  hunt  her  up;  and  of  course  she  made  an  impression  that 
money  with  us  was  plenty. 

I  was  frequently  called  "  Mr.  Spreckles."  1  couldn't  under- 
stand what  they  meant,  at  first;  but  when  a  gentleman  approached 
me  with  a  pencil  and  book  in  his  hand  and  said, — 

"  Excuse  me,  Mr.  Spreckles,  for  taking  the  liberty  to  ask  you 
a  few  questions.  I  am  the  traveling  correspondent  of  the  New 
York  World,  and  am  getting  all  the  points  of  interest  I  can  in  this 
country  for  its  columns,  and  as  I  have  been  informed  you  are  the 
great  sugar  man  of  the  Pacific  coast,  I  should  like  to  have  a  brief 
outline  of  your  history,  and  an  account  of  your  immense  posses- 
sions, and  the  modus  operandi  of  conducting  your  mammoth 
business,"  I  laughed  at  the  anxious  reporter,  and  said  : 

"  Young  man  of  the  World,  I  have  suffered  a  great  many  in- 
flictions in  the  course  of  my  life  ;  I  have  had  the  measles  and  the 
mumps,  the  yellow  jaundice  and  the  rheumatism  ;  I  have  had  my  left 


EXPEDIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  349 

leg  broke  and  set,  and  a  crick  in  my  side  ;  I  have  lost  more  or 
less  property,  have  been  fearfully  deceived  in  men,  and  swindled 
besides,  but  the  worse  inflicticated  I  ever  was  in  my  life,  was  by  a 
newspaper  reporter,  and  you  will  please  excuse  me  if  I  turn  you 
over  to  my  sugar  plantation,  the  only  one  I  possess  at  the  present 
time,  or  ever  did  possess,  my  wife  Clarissa,  and  maybe  she  can 
entertain  you." 

I  took  a  paper,  borrowed  Clarissa's  specs,  and  set  down  in  the 
seat  next  to  the  one  she  and  the  reporter  occupied.  I  pretended  to 
be  reading,  but  really  was  listening  to  their  talk.  I  wanted  to  see 
how  she  would  handle  him,  'and  the  joke  that  that  porter  had  evi- 
dently started.  It  run  about  as  follows  : 

"  Mrs.  Spreckles,  I  beg  pardon  for  disturbing  you,  but  if  it  will 
not  be  asking  too  great  a  favor,  I  would  like  an  outline  of  your  hus- 
band's history,  and  his  great  business  interests.  The  world  has 
been  wanting  to  know  all  about  him  for  a  long  time,  and  this  is  the 
first  opportunity  I  have  had  to  meet  him." 

'•  Well,"  said  she,  ''  are  you  the  world  ?  and  are  you  the  whole 
world  ?  and  is  it  possible  that  everybody  lives  and  moves  in  you  ?  " 

"  No,  no  !  Madam,  you  don't  understand  me.  There  is  a  news- 
paper published  in  New  York  City  called  the  World,  and  I  am  its 
correspondent,  and  that  newspaper  desires  the  information  I  ask." 

Clarissa  heaved  a  sigh  of  comfort,  and  seemed  to  feel  easier, 
and  after  wiping  her  eyes  and  taking  a  peppermint,  she  said  : 

"  Well,  Mr.  Man  of  the  World,  I  am  glad  I  understand  you. 
Now,  as  a  general  rule,  I  do  not  allow  myself  to  be  interviewed  by 
newspaper  reporters.  I  don't  like  them.  I  have  found  them  to  be 
meddlesome,  and  as  a  rule,  inclined  in  a  large  degree  to  prevaricate. 
And  furthermore,  I  am  by  natural  build  opposed  to  giving  away 
family  secrets,  and  if  I  have  the  correct  idea  of  what  you  are  after, 
it  is  my  husband's  life-—" 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  Madam,"  said  the  correspondent,  "  I  am 
no  murderer." 


35O  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

"Well,  I  didn't  say  you  was.  I  don't  suppose  you  intend  to 
kill  him,  although,  nine  times  out  of  ten,  when  you  fellows  get  a 
chance  to  write  up  a  person's  history,  you  manage  to  kill  them — 
either  socially,  religiously,  politically,  or  financially,  and  I  suppose 
you  want  me  to  tell  you  all  about  him  that  I  know,  so  that  the 
world  may  know  it,  and  put  its  approving,  or  otherwise,  stamp 
upon  it?" 

"  Yes,  yes !  you  catch  my  idea." 

"  Well,  as  we  have  got  a  long  ride  before  us,  and  as  I  see  noth- 
ing of  interest  in  the  country  through  which  we  are  passing,  I  had 
just  as  soon  kill  time  in  accommodating  you  with  what  information  1 
possess.  In  the  first  place,  I  am  unable  to  give  you  his  early  history — 
I  mean  from  the  time  he  first  received  the  kiss  of  woman  down  to 
the  period  when  manhood  seemed  to  rest  upon  his  shoulders. 
Whether  he  came  from  highly  respectable  and  honorable  parentage, 
or,  to  use  a  lawyer's  term,  versus,  I  know  not,  as  I  never  saw  them ; 
but  I  have  strong  suspicions  that  they  was  the  former,  and  not 
versus,  as  he  bears  the  earmarks  (so  to  speak)  of  respectability  and 
honor,  and  I  know  he  is  strictly  honest,  and  in  the  main,  truthful. 
How  do  you  think  that  description  of  my  husband  will  suit  the 
World  r 

"  Oh,  splendidly;  but  please  go  on." 

"  Oh,  certainly,  I  intend  to  go  on,  as  I  have  only  just  begun. 
When  he  first  met  me,  it  was  at  a  prayer-meeting,  at  the  Giddings 
schoolhouse.  I  was  introduced  to  him  by  his  aunt,  who  seemed  to 
take  a  strong  liking  to  me.  I  can  tell  you  enough  that  happened 
during  our  courtship  and  early  marriage  to  fill  the  World  three  or 
four  times,  if  you  will  only  leave  the  advertisements  in." 

"  Please  excuse  me,  Madam,  but  I  do  not  wish  to  enter  into  your 
private  life,  or  know  anything  about  your  family  relations.  I  do 
not  wish  to  enter  the  secret  domains  of  family  privacy." 

Clarissa  threw  her  hands  up  in  perfect  astonishment,  and  the 
spectacles  fell  off  from  my  nose  onto  the  floor,  breaking  the  left-hand 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  35! 

glass  into  three  pieces.  I  never  saw  a  more  astonished  person  in 
my  whole  life,  and  in  a  loud  voice  she  exclaimed, — 

"  Young  man,  do  you  mean  to  say  that  the  World  don't  want  to 
know  all  about  our  family  affairs— that  it  don't  want  to  tear  down 
the  curtains  of  our  private  apartment — that  it  don't  want  to  even 
enter  into  the  Holy  of  Holies  of  everybody's  private  life  and  trample 
its  sacredness  into  the  dust,  in  its  eager  desire  to  find  food  for  the 
scandalmongers — do  you  mean  to  tell  me  this  ?"• 

"Madam,  that  is  just  what  I  wish  you  to  understand." 

"  Well,  then,  all  I've  got  to  say  on  that  point  is,  that  you  are 
not  of  this  world.  I  want  to  know  what  kind  of  a  world  your  World 
is..  I  want  to  go  to  it.  I  long  for  a  world  where  the  sacred  rights 
of  an  individual  may  be  considered  safe,  and  where  the  scandal- 
monger has  no  place  or  vocation." 

"  Madam,  I  am  not  surprised  at  your  remark,  or  your  desire  for 
a  fair  world  ;  but  my  World  will  afford  you  little,  if  any,  comfort, 
as  it  is  nothing  but  a  paper  world — not  a  real  world.  So,  please  lay 
aside  your  astonishment,  and  proceed  to  give  me  the  general  points 
of  your  husband's  public  career." 

"  Well,  I  can't  tell  you  much  about  how  he  has  careered  in  the 
public,  as  he  has  been  around  home  on  the  old  farm,  ever  since  we 
was  married,  until  we  started  out  on  this  excursion  train.  He  and 
I  own  a  good,  nice  farm  down  in  Morganville,  Blank  County,  New 
York,  about  ten  miles  from  the  village,  and  it  is  all  paid  for ;  and  what 
time  we  have  lived  there,  which  is  going  onto  a  quarter  of  a  century, 
he  has  careered  pretty  decent.  Once  in  awhile  he  has  acted  real 
foolish,  and  got  swindled  to  pay  for  it;  but  that  is  nobody's  busi- 
ness but  his'n.  I  guess  almost  every  man  acts  foolish,  some  time  or 
other,  during  their  lives." 

It  was  the  correspondent's  turn,  this  time.  He  dropped  his 
pencil,  and  looked  up  in  perfect  astonishment,  and  exclaimed,  "  Isn't 
this  Mrs.  Spreckles,  of  San  Francisco?" 

Clarissa  seemed  to  enjoy  his  bewilderment,  and  in  a  laughing 


352  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

manner  said,  "  Well,  she  was  not,  unless  she  had  changed  her  name 
unconsciously." 

With  a  sort  of  fox-and-geese  puzzle  running  all  over  his  coun- 
tenance, he  said,  "  Is  not  that  gentleman  (pointing  to  me)  Mr. 
Spreckles,  the  great  sugar  man  of  the  Pacific  Coast  ?" 

"  Well,"  she  replied,  "  he  is  a  great  hand  for  sugar  and  all  sorts 
of  sweet  things,  but  his  name  is  not  Spreckles,  but  Mr.  Benjamin 
Morgan — generally  called  around  home  and  down  to  the  village, 
'  Uncle  Ben.' " 

The  correspondent  said,  "  I  must  confess  that  I  have  been  mis- 
taken, or  rather,  misinformed.  That  colored  porter  told  me  that 
your  husband  must  be  Mr.  Spreckles.  I  asked  how  he  knew,  and 
he  said,  '  'Cause  he  was  a  mighty  rich  man,  and  give  him  a  fifty-cent 
lump  of  sugar,'  and  here  I  have  been  bothering  you  on  the  supposi- 
tion that  it  was  Spreckles,  and  I  beg  your  pardon  for  taking  your 
time." 

Clarissa  said  she  was  real  glad  to  have  her  time  occupied,  and 
that  she  had  enjoyed  the  conversation.  "But,"  said  she,  "appearances 
are  deceiving.  If  wealth  seems  to  gild  the  outside,  the  world  is 
ready  to  take  off  its  hat  and  bow  to  the  appearance,  not  stopping 
to  see  whether  the  inside  be  emptiness,  or  still  worse.  If  rags 
clothe  the  appearance,  the  world  passes  it  by  cold  and  stiffly,  not 
caring  to  take  the  pains  to  see  whether  or  not 

An  angel  fair, 
Bedecked  with  jewels  rare, 
Is  there  enthroned. 

"The  SHAM  appearance  commands  the  SHAM  respect  of  the 
SHAM  part  of  the  world.  But  I  suppose  your  World,  being  a 
Sham  World,  readily  detects  the  world  of  SHAMS?" 

"Yes,"  said  he,  "you  are  quite  right.  Although  I  have  made 
a  mistake,  I  am  quite  well  pleased  in  my  good  fortune  in  meeting 
Uncle  Ben  Morgan  and  his  excellent  wife  Clarissa,  and  I  am  sure 
the  World  will  be  much  more  interested  in  knowing  about  them  than 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  353 

Spreckles,  and  I  hope,  at  no  distant  day,  to  make  you  acquainted 
with  the  world,  and  make  the  world,  including  '  BILL  NYE,'  ac- 
quainted with  you." 

Clarissa  took  his  taffy  in  a  professional  manner,  the  same  as 
Grant,  Elaine,  Sherman,  and  Cleveland  and  all  the  rest  of  the  big 
men  of  the  world  do  and  have  done,  easy  and  graceful-like,  with  a 
matter-of-course  air  onto  her  complexion,  and  said : 

"  I  thank  you  for  your  kind  intention,  but  you  needn't  put  your- 
self out  to  introduce  us,  as  we  have  already  got  pretty  well  ac- 
quainted with  part  of  it;  and  if  our  money  holds  out  and  life 
continues  in  partnership  with  us  long  enough,  we  will  become  bet- 
ter acquainted  with  some  more  of  it." 

I  had  by  this  time  joined  them  in  the  occupation  of  the  double 
seat,  and  shook  hands  with  the  Young  Man  of  the  World,  and  we 
fell  into  conversation  very  easy -like.  He  wanted  our  address,  so  I 
gave  it  to  him  as  he  wrote  it  down — "  Benjamin  Morgan,  Morgan- 
ville,  Blank  Co.,  New  York,  care  of  The  Village."  He  wanted 
to  know  the  name  of  the  village.  I  told  him  it  hadn't  got  a 
name.  He  was  surprised,  and  desired  to  know  the  reason  for 
a  nameless  village  of  1,000  souls.  I  told  him  that  it  happened 
this  way :  "  There  was  three  men  got  together  in  a  beautiful 
little  valley  in  our  county,  through  which  perambulated  (which 
means  a  sort  o'  saloon-reel-homeward  at  four  o'clock  in  the 
morning)  a  charming  stream.  It  swaggered  from  one  bank  to  the 
other,  stepping  up  high  in  some  places  to  get  over  some  big  rocks, 
.  and  then  pitching  headlong  into  the  mud  on  t'other  side.  It  was 
going  up  and  down,  and  ziggerty-zaggerty  all  day  long,  in  order  to 
keep  up  its  perambulate  through  that  lovely  valley,  while  them 
three  men  was  concluding  on  a  plan  to  establish  a  town  at  that  par- 
ticular spot.  Mr.  Givemall,  a  farmer,  owned  all  the  land,  and  pro- 
posed to  stake  out  100  acres  into  lots,  streets  and  alleys,  and  give 
every  odd  numbered  lot.  Mr.  Takemall,  a  civil  engineer,  proposed 
to  do  the  surveying  and  laying  the  land  off  into  lots,  and  establish 


354  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

and  define  the  boundary  of  each,  and  to  take  every  odd  numbered 
lot  for  his  trouble.  Mr.  Runemall,  who  had  been  an  alderman  in 
Albany  a  number  of  years,  said  he  would  organize  the  village  after 
there  was  enough  people  there,  and  run  the  town.  They  drew  up  a 
contract  and  signed  it  with  a  stick  dipped  into  some  elderberry 
juice  (as  they  had  forgot  to  bring  any  ink  with  them),  after  which 
they  all  lay  down  on  their  front  side  and  took  a  drink  out  of  the 
creek.  The  Albany  ex-alderman,  after  regaining  his  normal  standing, 
and  wiping  his  mouth  on  his  shift  sleeve,  said  he  hadn't  tasted  any- 
thing like  that  since  he  was  first  elected  as  a  member  of  the  water 
board  in  Albany,  thirty-odd  years  before.  After  their/r^  drinks  they 
each  lit  a  cob  pipe  and  smoked  the  emblematical  pipe  of  peace  as  a 
guarantee  of  their  bond  of  union,  and  their  faithful  efforts  to  build 
there  a  city. 

"  In  time  there  was  200  people  there  and  a  town  organized,  and 
the  question  of  name  came  up.  Mr.  Givemall  insisted  that  as  he 
had  given  the  land,  that  it  should  be'  named  Givemallburg.  Mr. 
Takemall  insisted  that  as  he  had  took  it  all,  by  rights  it  should  be 
named  Takemallburg,  and  Mr.  Runemall  demanded  that,  as  it  be- 
come his  business  to  Run  'em  all,  the  city  should  bear  the  name  Run- 
emallville.  The  spirit  of  rivalry  run  high,  and  the  question  is  not 
yet  settled,  and  probably  will  not  be  for  twenty-five  years  to  come. 
I  have  got  a  private  petition  in  the  hands  of  Tom  Conners  to  take 
to  Albany  with  him  to  the  Assembly,  to  have  the  place  named 
Hypocritsburgh." 

The  man  of  the  world  listened  patiently  to  my  lengthy  answer 
to  his  question,  and  said  he  would  take  that  as  an  item  for  the 
World. 

While  we  was  rattling  along  through  a  dry  and  uninteresting 
country  the  passengers  in  our  car  got  pretty  well  acquainted,  and 
the  day  didn't  seem  half  as  long  as  it  would  have,  had  it  not  been 
for  that.  The  man  of  the  World  and  Clarissa  and  me  seemed  to  ak 
tract  more  attention  than  any  other  corresponding  number  of  gen- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  355 

on  the  train.  I  couldn't  understand  it,  for  there  was  a 
number  of  men  of  notable  names  on  the  train,  as  you  will  readily 
see  by  the  following  schedule  : 

Prince  Kingokangokoko,  the  heir  apparent  of  the  Whaicki-Woo- 
icki  Islands,  and  his  wife,  Bridget  O'McGinnis  Kingokangokoko ; 
Rising  Grand  Duke  Van  Haltren,  the  celebrated  baseball  t wirier; 
Moxie  Jim  Bludsore,  the  inventor  of  a  ginger  and  molasses  com- 
pound solution  that  is  being  drunk  all  over  the  United  States  as  a 
substitute  for  beer,  and  "  Mr.  O'Reilly,  they  speak  of  so  highly,  that 
keeps  a  hotel."  There  was  a  number  of  others  of  minor  importance 
on  board,  but  we  three  seemed  to  be  the  pivotal  point  of  attraction. 

It  was  getting  along  toward  nine  o'clock  P.  M.,  and  I  got  tired 
of  attracting,  and  Clarissa  had  already  gone  into  our  box,  so  I  said 
to  my  friend  that  if  he  would  e?cuse  me,  I  guessed  I'd  bid  him  and 
the  world  good-night  and  go  to  bed  and  retire,  which  I  did  in  less 
than  five  minutes. 

We  had  a  refreshing  rest  and  sleep.  The  gentle  swaying  and 
rocking  of  the  magnificent  sleeper,  supplied  with  the  finest  kind  of 
beds,  seemed  to  act  like  a  charm,  conveying  us  to  dreamland  in  less 
time  than  a  mother  can  rock  her  baby  to  sleep  when  she  has  com- 
pany waiting  for.  her  in  the  front  room,  and  the  next  morning  found 
us  fresh  and  ready  for  anything. 

As  we  looked  out  of  the  window  a  dreary,  desolate  country, 
stretching  its  dry,  sand-and-fine-pebble  covered  surface  off  into 
space  beyond  the  reach  of  our  eyesight,  dotted  here  and  there  with 
various  kinds  of  'cactus,  met  our  gaze,  and  it  seemed  as  though  a 
day  of  monotonous  scenery  was  before  us ;  but  we  was  happily  dis- 
appointed before  two  hours  had  elapsed. 

We  was  in  New  Mexico.  When  I  was  at  home  on  the  farm,  about 
all  I  knew  about  New  Mexico  was  from  the  map  I  used  to  see  in  the 
children's  geography.  I  didn't  suppose  it  amounted  to  much.  I 
didn't  have  the  least  idea  that  it  was  to  the  history  of  the  United 
States  what  a  rare  specimen  is  to  a  museum ;  that  it  was  a  mine  of 


356 


SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BENS 


wealth  to  the  botany-maker,  the  geologer,  and  the  builder  of 
an-ti-que  history.  I  use  the  word,  AN-ti-^  to  satisfy  Clarissa. 
She  insists  upon  it,  and  says  it  is  proper  to  put  it  in  my  book  just 
at  this  place,  and  that  I  may  not  have  another  chance  to  use  it,  and 
she  says,  "  A  book  without  the  word  An-ti-que  in  it  haint  of  much 
account  nohow." 

All  along  this  trip,  from  the  time  I  left  home  until  now,  I  am 
finding  out  what  a  ignorant  old  fool  I  have  been;  but  when  I  look 
out  of  the  car-window  and  see  a  native  New  Mexican,  or,  as  they 
call  them  here,  Greasers,  trying  to  plow  a  patch  of  ground  with  a 


•s^fc^S-,5,  -  -• 

GREASER    PLOWING. 

crooked  stick,  with  a  steer's  horn  on  the  ground  end  of  it,  drawn  by 
two  oxen  hitched  to  it  with  rawhide  straps  (as  I  did  just  now),  I  con- 
clude there  are  others  in  the  world  that  are  ignoranter  fools  than  I 
am.  And  when  I  see  women  out  in  the  hot  sun,  standing  around  a 
clay  hut  about  six  feet  high  by  five  or  six  feet  or  more  in  diameter, 
just  outside  of  an  old  adobe  wall  surrounding  a  lot  of  low,  flat- 
roofed,  one-story  adobe  buildings,  baking  bread  for  their  hungry 
families,  while  the  perspiration  rolls  down  their  greasy,  dirty,  brown 
faces,  as  we  saw  them  just  then  while  passing,  I  conclude  that  it 
will  be  a  pretty  tough  job  to  find  a  ignoranter  set. 

It  seems  to  me  as  though  that  old  man  that  is  pictured  in 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  357 

the  almanacs  with  long  shaggy  hair  and  whiskers,  and  carrying  a 
scythe  on  his  shoulder,  has  mowed  a  swath  of  one  hundred  years 
out  of  time's  calendar  in  this  country,  and  left  them  that  much  be- 
hind  the  rest  of  the  world.  I  do  not  make  my  calculations  merely 
from  their  ways  of  plowing,  baking  and  grinding  corn  by  rubbing 
it  between  two  big  flat  stones,  operated  by  hand,  but  because  what 
work  there  is  done  seems  to  be  largely  done  by  women.  So  far  as 
the  outside  world  is  concerned,  the  majority,  I  am  told,  are  in  com- 
plete ignorance. 

Everywhere  you  look,  primitiveness  seems  to  reign.  What  the 
Creator  done,  seems  to  remain.  The  native  evidently  is  contented 
with  its  being  so,  and  cares  not,  if  possessed  of  the  ability,  to  im- 
prove thereon.  If  he  can  succeed  in  finding  enough  mud,  gravel, 
water  and  straw,  or  'dead  grass,  to  tread  into  mass  by  driving  his 
ox  over  and  through  it,  he  will  cut  it  into  blocks  about  a  foot  square 
by  one-half  a  foot  thick,  and  spread  them  around  on  the  ground  for 
the  sun  to  dry  and  bake.  When  his  adobe  bricks  are  hard,  he  will 
build  him  a  little  one  story  flat-roofed  room,  and  feel  proud  to  think 
he  has  a  house.  This  much  of  improvement  on  nature,  fills  his  cup 
of  ambition,  but  the  way  the  adobe  brick  was  made  by  the  first  man- 
ufacturer of  the  article,  is  the  way  they  make  it  now.  If  ignorance 
is  bliss,  their  cup  of  bliss  is  running  over. 


358  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 


CHAPTER   XXXIV. 

HE  scenery  had  suddenly  changed,  and  from  the  dull  monot- 
ony of  arid  plains,  we  was  surrounded  by  the  picturesque 
landscape  in  and  around  Albuquerque,  and  from  here  on  to 
Lamy,  where  we  changed  cars  for  Santa  Fe,  eighteen  miles  north, 
and  on  to  that  city,  the  scenery  is  very  interesting. 

At  noon  we  rolled  into  the  oldest  city  in  America.  When  I 
was  a  boy,  and  up  to  the  time  I  was  married,  I  supposed  New  York 
was  the  oldest  place  in  this  country,  and  that  the  Dutch  was  our 
grandparents  on  both  our  sides.  At  that  time  Clarissa  up  and  made 
me  believe  that  the  Spanishers  was  the  first  to  lay  claim  to  us  as  pos- 
teritors ;  however  she  didn't  know  any  more'n  I  did  that  there  was 
a  [city  away  out  west,  in  a  country  that  neither  one  of  us  didn't 
know  nothing  about,  that  was  a  dumb  sight  older  than  New  York 
City.  But  here  we  was — both  of  us  ignoramuses — right  in  the  heart 
of  the  oldest  city  in  America,  so  far  as  anybody  in  this  world  had 
any  knowledge  of,  Santa  Fe. 

We  entered  a  hotel,  the  walls  of  which  was  laid  up  by  hands 
that  for  three  centuries  or  more  had  been  sweeping  the  strings  of 
golden  lyres,  in  paradise,  or  poking  up  the  fires  down  in  Hades  & 
Co.'s  sulphur  factory,  and  wrote  our  names  in  a  register  that  bore 
visible  signs  of  a  corresponding  an-ti-que-i-ty. 

Somewhat  weary  from  our  long  ride,  we  was  glad  to  rest  our- 
selves on  the  splint  bottom  chairs  in  the  low,  but  spacions  dining- 
room.  The  dinner  was  Spanish  in  its  general  architecture  and 
build.  The  first  thing  on  the  printed  programme  was  Chili  soup- 


••••••  ••••  ••  HIHBi  I  •  • 

SCENE  ON   THE  ATCHISON,    TOPEKA   &   SANTA   KE   RAILROAD. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  36 r 

It  being  a  hot  day,  we  thought  something  Chili  would  go  first-rate. 
Since  we  left  home  we  have  drank  all  sorts  of  chilly  drinks,  and  eat 
icecream  and  frozen  puddings,  but  Chili  soup  was  a  thing  we  had 
never  heard  of  before.  So  Clarissa  and  I  called  for  a  plate  of  it. 
I  took  a  heaping  tablespoonful  to  one  swallow,  and  I  thought  the 
whole  upper  story  of  my  physical  mortality  was  on  fire.  I  called 
for  ice  water  while  1  held  a  towel  to  my  burning  tongue.  After 

smothering  the  conflagration,  I  said  to  the  greasy  waiter, 

"  Young  Spanisher,  if  such  be  your  ancestral  character,  what 
do  you  mean  by  playing  such  a  trick  on  your  honest  and  unsuspect- 
ing customers?" 

"  What  trick  for  you  mean  ?  "  said  he. 

"  Why,"  said  1,  "  palming  that  goll-darned  hot  stuff  on  us  for 
ice-cold  soup." 

"Oh!"  he  replied,  "that  is  Chili  soupeo." 
"  It's  a  dumb  lie,"  said  I,  "it's  hot  enough  to  scald  hogs  in." 
"Oh,  Noeo!  Noeo!     You  no  savveo;  the  soupeo  be  made  of 
chilio,  which  is  Mexicano  red  peppero,  and  is  a  heap  goodo." 

"  Oh,  I  see ;  it  is  red  pepper  soup,  is  it,  with  a  sham  name  to 
deceive  folks?  Well,  I  don't  want  any  more  of  it." 

Clarissa  said,  "Ben,  it  is  no  deception.  All  there  is  about  it, 
you  don't  understand  the  Mexican,  or  Spanish,  language." 

"  I  know  it.  I  know  I  am  no  Spanisho  Mexicanero  Greasero, 
and  consequentlyo  am  not  supposed  to  knowo  what  to  eato  and  be 
safo,  buto  one  thingo  I  do  knowo,  and  that  iso,  they  don't  geto  any 
moreo  confounded  Chili  stuffo  into  my  moutho." 

Clarissa  said,  "  Wello,  Ben,  don't  make  such  a  fusso  about  that 
soup,  or  they'll  all  find  out  what  a  greenhorno  you  areo ;  but  eat 
your  victuals  and  let  them  stop  your  mouth." 

The  next  things  on  the  catalogue  was  Chili  con-corne,  Chili  colo- 
row,  Chili  baked  beans,  and  one  or  two  other  Chilies,  roast  beef, 
roast  chicken,  and  a  few  other  roasted  and  boiled  American  animals. 


362  -          SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

After  a  fashion,  I  managed  to  make  out  a  pretty  good  meal.  I 
asked  the  waiter  if  they  was  cannibals  ? 

"What  be  they?"  he  asked. 

Said  I,  "  You  poor,  benighted  heathen,  be  you  so  ignorant  that 
you  don't  know  what  a  cannibal  be  ?  Well,  I  am  sorry  for  you  ;  you 
ought  to  be  converted.  A  cannibal,  my  poor  fellow,  is  a  savage 
brute  of  a  man,  that  will  slay  his  brother  man  and  cook  and  eat  his 
body." 

The  waiter  started  in  surprise  and  said,  "  Why,  me  no  hear  of 
such  a  horriblo  thingo.  No!  me  no  cannibal." 

"  Well,  but  according  to  this  here  dinner  catalogue,  you  must 
be,"  said  I.  "  Look  there — right  there  (pointing  it  out  to  him),  do 
you  see  what  it  says — don't  it  say  meats  for  dinner  there  ?" 

"  Yes." 

"  Well,  now,  put  your  two  black  Spanish  eyes  on  that  sentence, 
don't  it  say  Chili  Colorow?" 

"  Yes." 

"  Well,  that  Chili  Colorow  is  to  be  eaten,  isn't  it?" 

"  Yes." 

"  Well,  you  ignoramus,  don't  you  know  that  Old  Colorow  was 
an  Indian  chief  of  national  reputation,  living  up  in  Colorado,  and 
the  Coloradoans  have  been  trying  a  long  time  to  get  rid  of  him, 
but  couldn't,  because  they  was  all  afraid  of  him?  And  now 
they  have  evidently  killed  him  and  sent  his  carcass  down  here 
to  destroy  all  traces  of  his  murder,  and  you  have  got  hold  of 
his  cold,  dead  remains,  and  are  disgracing  the  proud  name  of 
America,  as  well  as  the  name  of  its  oldest  city,  by  Mexican  red 
peppering  it,  cooking  and  serving  it  to  your  boarders,"  and  I  turned 
to  Clarissa  and  said,  "  Come,  let's  get  out  of  this  hotel ;  it  aint  safe 
to  be  here." 

The  waiter  turned  from  horrifying  surprisedness  into  violent 
laughter,  and  said,  "  Stranger,  wait  a  minuto  ;  that  be  no  dead  In- 
diano.  That  is  a  very  fine  Mexieano  dish,  made  of  potatoes,  cab- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


363 


iage,  turnips,  and  any  other  good,  fresh  vegetables  we  can  get  in 
\he  marketo,  mixed  with  Chili  and  cooked  in  plenty  of  lardo,  and  it 
be  a  very  nice  disho.  You  just  try  someo." 

I  found  I  was  the  "  benighted  heathen  ignoramus  "  this  time.  I 
have  resolved  not  to  make  another  break  of  that  kind  as  long  as  I  live. 
I  wonder  if  all  the  heathen  think  the  same  of  the  missionaries  we 
smart  people  send  to  'em  to  convert  and  enlighten  them,  as  that 
Greaser  thought  of  me?  If  they  do,  I  pity  the  poor  missionaries. 


MR.   JUAN   FERNANDEZ-MARACILLO-ROMEO  MARTINEZO. 

I  eat  that  colorow,  and  found  it  a  little  hot,  but  very  pleasant. 

After  dinner  I  had  a  very  pleasant  chat  with  the  landlord ;  told 
him  who  we  was  and  where  we  was  from,  and  stated  also  that,  as  our 
time  was  limited,  we  desired  to  see  and  learn  all  we  couid  of  Santa 
Fe  in  our  allotted  time,  and  asked  how  we  could  do  it. 

He  informed  me  that  my  best  way  was  to  get  a  competent  guide, 
one  that  knew  all  about  the  city  and  its  history  to  go  with  us. 

Said  I,  "That  is  a  capital  idea,  and  I  am  much  obliged  to  you: 
but  how  is  a  fellow  going  to  find  such  a  man,  when  he  is  a  total 
stranger?" 


364  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

"  Oh,  that  is  easy  enough.  That  old  porter  of  mine  hai  lived 
here  117  years,  and  knows  all  about  Santa  Fe,  from  its  infanc  f,  and 
you  give  him  a  couple  of  dollars,  and  he  will  tell  you  all  you  want 
to  know — and  more,  too." 

I  was  pleased  with  our  good  fortune,  and  Clarissa  was  fairly 
tickled.  If  anything  on  earth  can  tickle  that  noble,  good  woman,  it 
is  a  opportunity  to  learn,  and  she  has  been  infatuated  (I  believe  I've 
got  the  right  word)  for  the  past  fifty-three  hours,  coming  five 
o'clock  this  afternoon,  with  a  desire  to  learn  all  about  Santa  Fe. 

Said  I,  "  Will  you  please  produce  the  porter,  and  get  us  ac- 
quainted, for  I'd  like  to  get  a  early  start." 

The  porter  was  called  and  introduced  to  us  as  Mr.  Juan  Fer- 
nandez-Maracillo-Romeo  Martinezo.  We  bowed  a  very  polite  bow 
in  recognition  of  his  lengthy  title  and  his  extreme  old  age.  He  re- 
ceived us  with  equal  cordiality,  and  said  he  was  proud  to  serve  us. 
We  found  him  to  be  a  remarkably  smart  man,  quite  vigorous,  and 
that  he  spoke  United  States  perfectly,  without  any  Spanish  brogue. 

We  started  out,  and  after  walking  a  long  distance  through  a 
narrow  street  lined  on  either  side  with  low,  flat-topped  houses,  with 
overhanging  balconies  that  afford  shade  to  their  fronts,  and  following 
our  guide  a  short  distance  out,  we  came  to  a  hill  back  of  the  city,  on 
whose  top  were  the  crumbling  ruins  of  an  old  fort.  We  climbed 
up  to  the  summit  of  this  hill;  whose  color  resembled  a  crazy-quilt, 
with  brown  and  yellow  predominating,  and  set  down  on  some  rocks. 

Our  old  guide  commenced  his  description  of  the  city  by  giving 
us  the  following  history : 

"  You  must  know,  in  the  first  place,  that  this  is  a  very  old  town, 
and  you  will,  no  doubt,  be  surprised  when  I  tell  its  age,  so  far  as  we 
have  any  reliable  information." 

I  interrupted  him,  and  said,  "  Well,  never  mind  our  being  sur- 
prised. You  can  tell  us  as  big  a  whopper  as  you  are  a  mind  to.  You 
can  put  its  age  anywhere  from  100  to  100,000  years.  We  are  used 
to  whopping  tall  stories.  We  have  heard  all  sorts  of  big  yarns 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  365 

ibout  all  sorts  of  things,   ever  since   we  crossed  the   Missouri  at 
Omaha,  and  we  have  got  over  being  surprised  at  anything.    This 


HEADWATERS   OF   THE  RIO    GRANDE. 


whole  Western  country  is  so  full  of  surprises  that  they  Jiave  got  to 
be  quite  common  to  us,  and  we  run  onto  a  dozen  or  more  of  them 
every  day.  So,  just  go  ahead,  and  tell  us  about  it." 


366  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

While  we  was  admiring  the  scenery  he  went  on : 

"  In  1540,  Coronado,  a  Spanish  adventurer,  while  on  a  tour  of 
exploration,  with  a  large  force  of  Spaniards,  marched  up  the  Colo- 
rado River  from  its  mouth,  where  they  landed,  to  the  confluence  of 
the  Green  and  Grande,  which  form  the  Colorado.  Here  he  divided 
his  forces,  sending  part  up  the  Green,  while  he  with  the  remain- 
der came  up  the  Rio  Grande. 

"  Arriving  at  this  place,  he  found  a  large  and  important  city, 
occupied  by  the  most  intelligent  race  of  Indians  that  there  is  any 
historical  evidence  of,  as  having  been  the  inhabitants  of  North 
America— the  Aztecs. 

"  Coronado  was  seized  with  a  desire  to  obtain  it.  His  forces 
were  camped  upon  this  hill,  which  you  see  commanded  a  view  of  the 
entire  city.  At  his  command  they  marched  down  and  leveled  its 
walls,  and  laid  the  city  in  ruins,  driving  its  inhabitants  to  the 
mountains. 

"  The  present  city  was  erected  upon  its  site.  Although  many 
changes  have  occurred  during  the  past  350  years,  yet  I  am  able  to 
show  you  some  of  the  landmarks  of  1540  that  still  exist. 

"  The  world  has  been  cheated  out  of  the  history  of  this  strong- 
hold of  the  Aztecs  by  the  cruel  and  inhuman  treatment  of  this  won- 
derful race.  With  Coronado's  conquest,  every  vestige  of  history 
of  the  city  was  destroyed.  The  tyrannical  treatment  of  the  In- 
dians so  embittered  them  that  in  1680,  after  more  than  a  century  of 
humiliation  and  grinding  servitude,  they  arose  and  drove  the  Span- 
ish invaders  out  of  the  land.  The  example  set  by  the  Spaniards 
was  followed,  and  they,  in  turn,  destroyed  everything  they  could. 
Churches  and  public  buildings  were  burned,  and  all  the  document- 
ary records  of  Coronado's  discovery  of  the  place,  served  as  a  fire 
in  the  plaza,  by  the  light  of  whose  flame  the  angry  Indians  pushed 
on  their  work  of  destruction.  Time  did  not  serve  them  to  com- 
plete the  destruction,  for  in  1693,  DeVarque,  at  the  head  of  the 
Spaniards,  reconquered  the  city.  From  then  until  now  it  has  been 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  367 

undisturbed,  and  as  a  rule,  quietness  and  laziness  have  lingered 
around  and  through  it. 

"  Were  it  not  for  its  place  in  the  history  of  America,  and  its  pie- 
turesque  appearance,  it  would  receive  but  little  attention  from  the 
travelers  that  are  daily  visiting  it,  but  as  it  is,  it  commands  the  atten- 
tion of  every  one  passing  through  New  Mexico. 

"  You  will  find  the  city,  outside  of  the  modern  structures, 
is  emphatically  Spanish.  You  will  see  its  streets  are  narrow  and 
crooked,  and  lined  on  both  sides  with  low,  one-story,  quaint  old 
adobe  buildings.  The  balconies  give  us  the  shade  that  is  necessary 
in  this  warm,  sunny  climate.  The  flowery  placitas  add  much  to  the 
picturesque  appearance,  and  give  the  place  a  charm." 

I  spoke  up  and  said,  "  I'll  be  dumbed  if  it  aint  so." 

"  Everywhere  you  go,  you  will  see  the  Spanish  origin  of  the 
town. 

"Lieut.  Pike,  of  Pike's  Peak  notoriety,  is  supposed  to  be  the  first 
live,  genuine  Yankee  to  visit  this  city.  In  1806  he  run  the  risk  of 
registering  his  arrival  in  our  notel,  and  I  waited  on  him.  Forty 
years  later  General  Kearney  captured  Santa  Fe  from  the  Greasers. 
He  and  his  bold  soldiers  marched  to  victory  without  any  opposi- 
tion. Not  even  a  pin  was  pointed  toward  them  by  us  wicked 
Spaniards. 

"  He  built  Fort  Marcy  on  this  hill  top,  and  we  are  now  sitting 
on  its  old  ruins.  I  brought  you  up  here  so  you  could  get  the  best 
view  of  the  old  city  and  the  surrounding  country  that  can  be 
obtained." 

"  Well,  I'm  glad  you  did,"  I  said.  "  You  are  a  dumb  good  fel- 
low, if  you  be  a  Greaser,  and  know  your  business  first-rate,  but  ex- 
cuse me  for  breaking  in  on  your  story.  You  know  where  you  left 
off,  don't  you?  " 

"  Oh,  that  is  alt  right ;  it  don't  bother  me  any.  I  am  used  to 
being  interrupted.  That  is  part  of  my  everyday  experience. 

"  You  see  this  view  overlooks  the  plateau  on  which  the  city  is 


368  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN's 

built  and  the  country  stretching  off  toward  Old  Mexico.  Right 
off  to  the  north  you  notice  a  range  of  foot  hills,  and  back  of  them 
a  number  of  mountain  peaks  whose  summits  are  covered  with  per- 
petual snow  ;  while  over  there,  reaching  off  southward,  are  the  blue 
Cerrillos.  You  see  they  are  partially  hid  by  wreaths  of  clouds 
hanging  around  their  summits.  The  distance  gives  them  a  dim  and 
smoky  appearance.  You  will  observe  that  the  constant  shifting  of 
the  clouds  produces  a  succession  of  lights  and  shades,  and  heightens 
the  interest  in  the  scene." 

Clarissa  spoke  up  and  said, — 

"Isn't  it  beautiful?  I  could  sit  here  a  month  and  look  at  this 
wonderful  picture  and  not  grow  weary."  I  couldn't  .help  saying — 

"  I'll  bet  you'd  get  goll-dumb  hungry  before  the  month  would 
be  up,  and  want  something  to  eat.  I  don't  know  of  but  one  fellow 
that  could  set  in  one  place  for  a  whole  month  and  live  on  shadows, 
and  he  is  a  lunatic." 

"  Who  is  that  ?  "  asked  Juan  A-mile-and-a-half-long-name. 

"  Why,  I  don't  know  his  right  name,  but  by  occupation  he  was 
a  Tanner  ;  but  don't  stop  ;  go  right  on  with  your  story." 

"  Now  turn  your  attention  to  the  city  lying  at  your  feet.  I 
don't  suppose  you  care  for  the  modern  buildings  and  improvements, 
but  will  be  more  interested  in  the  antique  portion  of  the  city." 

"  Yes,  you  are  just  right ;  an-ti-que  is  the  thing  we  are  after. 
You  can  give  us  all  the  an-ti-que.  I  like  it  pretty  well,  and  Clarissa 
can  live  on  it,  almost." 

"  Benjamin  !  "  ejaculated  Clarissa.  You  will  notice  if  you  have 
read  the  book  so  far,  that  this  is  the  first  time  I  have  used  "  ejacu- 
lated." I  had  it  ready  to  use  more'n  two  weeks  ago,  but  something 
or  other  happened  so  that  I  lost  it.  I  had  it  writ  down  on  a  slip  of 
paper  and  stuck  it  in  my  vest  pocket,  and  two  or  three  times  when 
I  was  in  San  Francisco  I  tried  to  find  that  slip  of  paper,  but  missed 

it,  and  just  now  I  went  to  light  a  cigar  that  Juan 'o  gave 

me,  and  stuck  my  fingers  in  my  vest  pocket,  after  a  match,  and 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  369 

pulled  out  that  slip,  and  for  fear  I  may  lose  it  again,  I  just  put  it  in* 
now.  As  I  started  to  say,  she  just  ejaculated,  "  Benjamin,  don't  in- 
terrupt the  gentleman  ;  I  am  anxious  for  this  description." 

Mr.  Juan 'o  proceeded  as  follows,  to-witf 

"  Those  old  flat-roofed  houses  you  see  along  the  Santa  Fe  Creek, 
that  little  stream  that  divides  the  city,  are  among  the  first  that  were 
constructed  after  Coronado  captured  the  town.  You  notice  the  color 
of  the  children  playing  around  the  doors  is  about  the  same  as  the 
houses— dark-brown,  bordering  on  the  red.  The  adobe  houses,  when 
newly  built,  are  brown,  or  the  same  color  of  the  ground ;  but  age  acts 
upon  these  as  it  does  upon  men— it  gives  them  a  darker  shade,  and 
deep  furrows  are  made  in  their  walls  by  the  action  of  weather  and 
time,  as  wrinkles  come  upon  the  aged  human  being. 

"  The  streets  are  narrow  and  crooked,  winding  and  twisting 
among  the  buildings  like  huge  serpents.  Over  there,  a  little  to  the 
right  as  you  are  sitting,  is  the  broken  facade  of  San  Miguel,  the 
oldest  church  in  the  United  States.  It  is  nearly  in  its  original  con- 
dition, barring  the  inroads  of  natural  decay  worn  by  time.  Over 
there  stands  the  Church  San  Francisco.  There  is  but  little  of  its 
exterior  but  what  is  modern,  having  received  a  new  painted  roof 
and  new  stone  walls ;  but  by  carefully  examining  the  interior,  you 
will  discover  some  of  its  original  make-up. 

"  Out  yonder  you  see  the  spire  of  the  great  Church  Guadaloupe. 
There,  in  the  center  of  the  town,  is  the  plaza,  or  what  you  folks  in 
the  East  call  a  common.  On  that  side  of  the  plaza,  almost  hid  by 
the  trees,  whose  rich  foliage  in  spring  and  summer  produces  a 
pleasing  contrast  with  the  somber,  brown  walls  and  yellow,  drab 
streets,  is  the  palacio  del  Gobernador.  Now,':  said  he,  "  we  will 
descend,  and  take  a  walk  through  the  city." 

We  was  loth  to  leave  the  spot,  as  the  beauty  of  the  scene  seemed 
to  speak  right  out  and  say,  "  Don't  be  in  a  hurry;  just  lay  off  your 
things  and  stay  a  spell.  You  can  have  your  old  friends  and  neigh- 
bors with  you  back  in  your  Eastern  home  all  the  time,  but  it  will  be 


3/0  SHAMS  ;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

but  once  in  your  lifetime  that  you  will,  in  all  probability,  visit  us." 
The  broad,  open  country  to  our  left  seemed  to  say,  "  Come  and  see 
us  before  you  go  home,  and  we  will  do  our  best  to  entertain  you." 
The  peaks,  with  their  foot-hills,  to  our  right,  beckoned  to  us,  and 
seemed  to  whisper  in  our  ear,  "  Don't  forget  to  come  up  and  stay  all 
night  with  us,  before  you  go  home.  We  will  give  you  lots  of  good 
fun,  catching  trout  in  our  crystal  streams,  and  will  treat  you  to  ice- 
cream in  abundance."  The  blue  Cerrillos  and  their  snow-capped 
neighbors  behind  them,  who  seemed  to  be  disputing  with  the  sky 
above  for  the  possession  of  the  clouds,  called  to  us  in  imagination,  and 
said,  "  Don't  fail  to  come  over  and  stay  with  us  a  couple  of  weeks, 
before  you  start  on  your  homeward  journey.  We  will  show  you 
wonders  that  few  in  this  world  know  about.  We  have  plenty  of 
rare  and  pretty  things  locked  up.  where  none  but  our  invited  guests 
can  see  them.  We  will  show  you  the  ancient  homes  of  the  Cliff 
Dwellers,  and  let  you  climb  a  ladder  and  sleep  in  one  of  the  places 
where  the  grand  old  Aztec  Indian  dwelt.  We  can  charm  you,  if 
you  will  only  come." 

The  historic  Rio  Grande,  that  moves  majestically  toward  the 
sea  twenty  miles  west  of  us,  seemed  to  sing  to  us  in  pensive  tones, 
"  Come  !  come,  come,  see  me." 

Even  the  smoke  that  twirled  and  circled  from  hundreds  of 
chimneys  below  us,  up  into  the  clear  blue  vault  above,  seemed  to 
say,  "  Stay  a  little  longer,  and  I  will  paint  you  some  fancy  scenes, 

"  Wreaths,  clouds,  and  castles  fair, 
For  you  I'll  build  in  the  air." 

But  to  all  these  pressing  invitations  we  had  to  say,  "  No,  we 

thank  you,  for  old  Mr.  Juan 'o  is  waiting  for  us 

to  join  him,  and  he  is  half-way  down  the  hill  now."  After  we  had 
caught  up  with  him,  he  says : 

"  Now  we  will  enter  the  city  Santa  Fe,  or,  as  the  name  means 
in  your  language,  Holy  Faith,  and  we  will  go  to  the  Plaza,  passing 
by  the  Bishop's  Garden  on  our  way." 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  37, 

As  we  proceeded,  every  little  while  he  would  call  our  attention 
to  this  and  to  that  church.  I  said,  "  It  looks  to  me  that  the  Fathers 
that  founded  this  darned  old  town  got  awfully  stuck  on  religion,  or 
else  they  was  afraid  the  Devil  would  steal  their  young  ones,  and 
built  these  churches  for  places  of  refuge,  should  that  old  cus  s  with 
big  ears  and  a  hot  pitchfork  attack  the  place.  I  don't  think  the  old 
men  needed  to  be  afraid  of  that,  for  there  couldn't  have  been  money 
enough  here  in  them  days  to  have  induced  him  to  raid  the  place. 
It's  money  men  he's  after  and  he  gets  'em,  too." 

He  asked  me  what  made  me  think  that. 

I  told  him  that  I  knew  it,  for  I  had  a  personal  interview  with  the 
old  cuss  up  in  Virginia  City,  and  he  told  me  all  about  it.  Said  he  : 

"  I  can't  say  how  that  is ;  but  it  seems  to  have  been  the  Spanish 
custom  to  have  plenty  of  churches.  Perhaps  their  idea  was  to  keep 
the  people  moneyless,  by  taking  every  penny  they  had  to  spare,  to 
support  the  priests,  thereby  removing  all  temptation  for  the  Devil 
to  attack  them.  I  can't  say  what  the  reason  is  for  so  many  churches 
here ;  but  one  thing  I  can  say,  and  that  is  this :  For  over  one  hun- 
dred years  they  got  all  the  money  I  could  save.  As  fast  as  I  could 
get  it  they  called  for  it,  and  I  either  had  to  hand  it  over  to  them,  or 
go  to  purgatory  when  I  died.  But  about  ten  years  ago  I  concluded 
I  would  take  care  of  my  money  myself,  and  run  the  risk  of  old  pur- 
gatory. I  have  quit  being  under  the  priesthood's  control,  and  I  in- 
tend to  run  the  remainder  of  my  days  on  my  own  hook,  try  and  do 
what  I  know  to  be  right,  and  do  my  own  thinking." 

I  grabbed  the  old  man  by  the  hand,  and  gave  him  a  regular  old 
New  York  shake,  and  said,  "  Good  for  you,  young  man  ;  them  is  my 
sentiments.  Stick  to  'em,  and  by  golly,  I  hope  you  will  live  to  a 
good  ripe  old  age." 

He  was  visibly  affected  by  my  congratulating  him,  and  said, 
"  Thank  you,"  and  as  we  was  passing  a  saloon  at  the  time,  he  further 
remarked,  "  Let's  go  in  and  take  a  drink." 

Alas!  alas!  the  noble  character  he  had  already  created  for  him- 


3/2  SHAMS;     OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 

self  in  my  mind  began  to  drop  down  to  the  level  of  the  ordinary 
human  being,  as  I  discovered  the  regulai  Chicago  taste  was  formed 
in  his  gullet.  I  swelled  up  with  my  old-fashioned  farmer  honesty 
and  purity,  and  in  the  dignity  of  a  man  that  has  the  consciousness 
of  knowing  he  isn't  a  dumb  hypocrite,  and  said,  "  No,  sir ;  I  don't 
drink,  and  I  don't  like  to  trot  around  with  them  that  does." 

He  looked  at  me  with  utter,  amazement,  and  seemed  glued  to> 
the  spot  where  he  stood  for  five  minutes,  looking  at  me  from  feet 
to  head,  and  back  again,  and  exclaimed,  "  Please  give  me  your 
photograph." 

"What  for?'  I  replied. 

''Because,  for  117  years  that  I  have  lived  in  Holy  Faith  Town 
I  have  never  known  of  a  stranger  coming  within  our  borders  that 
didn't  drink  something  for  the  'stomach's  sake'  and  his  oft  infirmities, 
if  not  because  he  loved  it,  and  I  want  your  picture  to  look  upon  and 
show  to  my  posterity  by  the  woman  I  expect  to  marry  next  July,  as 
a  living  curiosity." 

Said  I,  "  When  I  get  home  I'll  get  some  pictures  took,  and  I'll 
be  glad  to  exchange  with  you,  for  I  assure  you  it  will  be  as  big  a 
curiosity  for  me  and  Clarissa  and  the  posterity  we  have  got  raised  up 
down  home,  to  look  upon  the  picture  of  a  man  that  is  well  along  in  the 
second  century  of  his  life  who  is  going  to  raising  posterity,  as  it  will 
be  for  you  to  gaze  on  the  picture  of  an  honest,  sober,  and  temperate 
man,  that  isn't  a  Biblical  Timothyan  hypocrite,  always  looking,  for 
his  stomach's  sake,  in  the  bottom  of  a  whisky-glass  or  beer-mug. 
But,  as  we  are  losing  time  standing  here,  if  it  will  be  any  accommo- 
dation to  you,  I'll  go  in  and  take  a  glass  of  ice-cold  lemonade,  and 
Clarissa  can  eat  a  dish  of  icecream  while  I  am  drinking  the  lemon- 
ade. She  is  powerful  fond  of  it." 

We  agreed  on  the  picture  exchange,  got  our  drinks  and  ice- 
cream, and  proceeded  on  our  way. 

Soon  we  came  to  a  place  inclosed  by  a  high  adobe  wall,  and 
Mr.  Juan 'o  began — 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  373 

"  This  is  the  beauty  spot  of  Santa  Fe,  the  Garden,  owned  by 
Bishop  Lamy."  Gaining  admission,  we  found  therein  a  beautiful 
garden  indeed.  The  guide  said,  "  The  Bishop  has  labored  a  great 
many  years  in  making  this  lovely  garden,  and  you  have  no  idea  of 
the  amount  of  purgatory  money  that  has  gone  into  it.  Neither 
have  I." 

We  walked  all  through  the  grounds,  and  found  them  indeed 
delightful.  A  small  fish-pond,  beautiful  trees  and  flowers  in  great 


PALACIO   DEL   GOBERNADOR. 


abundance,  and  rustic  seats,  where  we  could  sit  down  and  look  over 
the  walls  and  see  the  tops  of  cities  over  in  the  sea  of  sky. 

We  went  on  until  we  reached  the  Plaza.  Passing  on  to  the 
farther  side,  we  were  in  front  of  a  long,  one-story  adobe  building,  in 
front  of  which  was  a  wide  portico,  held  up  by  a  number  of  wooden 
columns. 

"  This,"  said  Juan,  "  is  one  of  the  oldest  and  most  important 
structures  in  our  city.  It  is  the  Palacio  del  Gobernador,  or  the  Gov- 
ernor's  Palace. 


374  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

"  We  all  take  a  great  deal  of  pride  in  this  old  palace,  as  the  his- 
tory of  Santa  Fe  is  closely  allied  with  it,  and  if  its  walls  could  give 
up  their  secrets,  stories  of  pathos  and  thrilling  incident  could  fill 
many  a  volume.  This  was  the  palace  of  the  Pueblo  chiefs,  long 
before  the  Franciscan  friars  gave  the  town  its  present  name.  The 
Spanish  generals  issued  their  orders  and  proclamations  from  its 
rooms  for  nearly  three  centuries.  It  is  now  occupied  as  an  official 
residence  by  the  Territorial  Governor." 

We  was  indeed  interested,  alike  in  his  story  and  in  the  exam- 
ination of  the  palace,  some  rooms  of  which  we  entered. 

It  was  time  for  us  to  return  to  our  hotel  for  supper,  and  the 
long  walk  we  had  taken  made  us  tired  and  hungry. 

A  good  meal  and  an  hour's  sitting  under  the  portico  in  front  of 
our  hotel  rested  us.  The  soft,  cool  air  of  evening  was  very  refresh- 
ing. We  talked  with  the  landlord  considerably,  and  also  with  a 
number  of  the  business  men  that  was  sitting  around  in  front  of  the 
house.  After  we  went  to  our  room  Clarissa  and  I  talked  about 
what  we  had  seen.  She  said  it  was  the  strangest  place  she  ever  saw. 
Says  she : 

"  Strange  things  meet  us  in  nearly  every  direction  we  travel. 
Strange  incidents  seem  to  pop  up  in  the  road  right  in  front  of  us 
wherever  we  go ;  but  about  the  strangest  thing  we  have  run  across 
in  looking  around  this  famous  city,  musty  with  age,  resembling  an  old 
coat,  tattered,  torn,  and  patched  with  many-colored  cloths,  is  that  old 
palace — not  so  strange  because  of  its  long  and  lingering  existence,  nor 
for  its  having  been  the  executive  mansion  of  noble  Indian  chiefs  and 
hot-headed  Spanish  usurpers  and  rulers,  but  because  the  man  that 
everybody  supposed  was  over  in  Judea  visiting  with  the  natives  of  that 
country,  while  he  was  writing  the  story  of  the  three  white  camels 
and  their  riders  from  three  different  nations  meeting  upori  the  desert 
on  their  way  to  discover  the  Saviour — Lew  Wallace,  was  secluded 
in  one  of  its  dingy  rooms  while  he  was  writing  the  interesting  story 
of  Ben  Hur. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


375 


"  Strange,  also,  is  the  fact  that  so  great  a  man  as  Wallace  is 
should  play  sham  by  trying  to  make  folks  think  he  was  in  the  Holy 
Land,  a-discovering,  when  he  hadn't  left  the  United  States.  Now, 
I  read  that  book  through  last  summer,  and  enjoyed  it,  and  many 
was  the  time  I  wished  I  could  join  company  with  his  party  in  "that 
old  land  of  ancient  story,  and  see  some  genuine  Judeans,  and  enter 
Jerusalem  with  him,  and  see  those  things  so  sacred  because  of  their 
connection  with  the  New  Testament  and  its  principal  characters.  And 


BLOWING    OUT   THE    ELECTRIC   LIGHT. 


now,  to  come  away  out  here  and  find  out  he  wasn't  in  Jerusalem  at 
all,  but  secluded  in  this  old  palace,  making  up  that  story,  has  opened 
to  my  eyes  a  new  sham.  I  wonder  if  any  of  that  New  Testament 
was  written  in  such  a  way?"  And  she  concluded  her  remarks  by 
heaving  a  heavy  sigh  upon  whose  ebb  tide  were  the  words,  "  Woe 
unto  ye,  Scribes  and  Pharisees— Hypocrites." 

"  May  be,"  said  I,  "  he  sketched  the  book  over  in  Palestine  and 
polished  it  off  here  in  this  Holy  Faith  town.  Don't  be  too  severe 
in  your  remarks  on  an  author;  you  may  be  doing  him  a  wrong." 

"  Well,"  says  she,  "  I  don't  mean  to.  But  I  am  tired ;  let's  go 
to  bed  and  retire."  I  agreed  to  the  proposition. 


376  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

The  bedroom  we  slept  in  had  a  musty  smell  of  old  time  linger- 
ing about  its  walls.  It  was  lighted  up  with  new-fashioned  light- 
ning, in  little  glass-covered  contrivances,  just  the  same  as  the  Denver 
tavern  had,  and  for  the  second  time  I  got  fooled  in  trying  to  blow 
it  out.  After  trying  to  blow  all  the  wind  I  could  muster  at  it,  I  hap- 
pened to  remember  that  the  Denver  porter  turned  a  little  brass 
thing  to  put  it  out.  I  found  it  and  turned  off  the  lightning  just  as 
easy  as  could  be,  and  got  into  bed. 

The  next  morning  after  breakfast  our  guide  met  us  in  the  office, 
ready  to  take  us  through  the  town.  I  told  him  we  had  concluded  to 
leave  on  the  noon  train,  and  we  couldn't  be  out  but  an  hour  or  two ; 
and  as  we  had  got  a  pretty  general  idea  of  the  place,  we  would  be 
satisfied  if  he  would  take  us  into  one  of  them  old,  moldy  churches. 

"All  right.     Then  we  will  go  and  see  Old  San  Miguel." 

As  we  approached  it  I  was  not  struck  to  the  heart  with  the  idea 
that  it  was  beautiful,  in  any  sense  of  the  word,  on  the  outside.  Its 
broad,  squatty  tower,  century-stained,  surmounted  by  a  wooden 
cross  that  time  did .  not  intend  should  remain  another  century,  on 
account  of  its  feebleness,  had  no  pleasing  proportions,  but  the  an- 
ti-que-ity  of  the  thing  made  it  look  like  some  old  picture.  It  was 
evidently  built  for  solidity  and  durability,  rather  than  beauty. 

Our  Juan 'o  called  our  attention  to  the  empty 

belfry,  and  said,  "  In  early  days,  when  the  church  was  completed, 
the  Spanish  parishioners  hung  a  heavy  bell  there  that  was  cast  in 
Mexico  in  1356,  but  the  walls  being  rendered  unsafe,  the  bell  was 
removed  and  placed  in  a  niche  that  has  been  made  for  it  within  the 
church." 

We  entered  through  the  wide  doorway,  and  as  the  heavy  doors 
swung  together  behind  us,  shutting  out  most  of  the  light,  at  first 
we  felt  as  though  we  was  in  a  vault,  as  we  couldn't  see  very  plain, 
but  a  soft  light  struggled  through  the  small  windows,  and  assisted 
us  to  see  the  interior  quite  well. 

The  room  is  long  and  narrow,  and  the  windows  are  set  into 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  377 

deep-cut  openings.  In  the  further  end  stands  the  altar,  decorated 
with  high-colored  ornaments  and  emblems,  and  dressed  up  with  a 
whole  lot  of  candlesticks  and  candles,  and  a  lot  of  stuff  that  looked 
as  if  it  had  been  bought  cheap  at  some  second-hand  store. 

Right  up  over  the  front  doorway  is  the  gallery,  supported  by 
massive  beams,  on  whose  brown  surface  can  be  seen  some  carvings 
made  by  the  builders.  There  is  nothing  in  it  of  any  interest  to  the 
practical  world,  and  only  that  crank  that  is  hunting  after  old,  worn- 
out,  musty  things  to  put  into  his  collection  of  an-ti-que-ities,  could 
see  anything  here  that  he  would  want  to  take  away  with  him.  I 

asked  Mr.  Juan — 'o  if  he  knew  when  this  church 

was  built. 

Said  he,  "  It  was  originally  built  about  the  year  1600,  when 
Onate  was  the  Governor,  but  during  the  Indian  revolution,  in 
1680,  it  was  mostly  destroyed  by  the  enraged  Indians,  who  for  140 
years  had  been  cheated  out  of  their  homes  and  liberty,  and  there 
was  only  a  small  portion  of  its  walls  left  standing.  After  the  Span- 
iards reconquered  the  city  they  rebuilt  this  church,  completing  it  in 
1710,  since  which  time  it  has  remained  undisturbed  by  aught  but 
time." 

We  told  Juan  that  we  guessed  we  had  seen  about  all  of  this 
old  place  we  had  time  to,  and  Clarissa  paid  him  and  expressed 
our  thanks  for  his  kindness,  and  asked  him  to  come  and  visit  us  after 
he  got  a  little  older.  He  walked  back  to  the  hotel  with  us,  and 
after  waiting  on  us  very  politely,  urged  us  to  come  again. 

We  took  the  noon  train  and  rolled  out  of  America's  oldest  city 
with  a  feeling  of  pleasure  we  had  received  in  going  over  and 
through  it.  It  was  a  chapter  in  geography  and  history  that  neither 
one  of  us  had  ever  studied  in  school,  and  one  we  shall  always 
remember. 

Whether  in  point  of  greatness  Santa  Fe  will  have  a  future  his- 
tory that  will  compare  with  the  past,  remains  to  be  seen,  and  we 
will  let  it  remain,  while  we  take  our  homeward  journey. 


378  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

We  was  told  that  we  would  not  do  New  Mexico  nor  ourselves 
justice  if  we  did  not  stop  at  the  celebrated  Las  Vegas,  and  take  a 
bath  in  the  hot  springs.  So,  when  the  train  stopped  for  sup- 
per, I  told  the  conductor  we  would  stop  there  a  day.  He  fixed  our 
tickets  for  us,  and  we  took  a  'bus  for  the  Phcenix  Hotel,  where  we 
staid  all  night.  We  had  a  fine  private  bedroom.  The  bed  was  so 
soft  and  springy,  the  air  so  cool  and  delightful,  we  had  a  rest  and 
sleep  that  thousands  (locked  up  in  prisons)  would  have  given  a 
good  deal  to  have  enjoyed.  Clarissa  said  she  dreamed  of  God's 
Garden — and  she  saw  me  and  her  and  the  driver  standing  a-looking 
at  that  Balanced  Rock.  She  tried  to  find  her  CLA  but  couldn't 
see  it,  and  while  the  driver  was  pointing  it  out  to  her,  she  woke  up. 
I  am  glad  we  stopped  there,  as  it  gave  us  a  good  opportunity  to 
see  another  of  Nature's  beauty-spots.  The  hotel  is  a  magnificent 
building,  put  up  for  man's  comfort.  While  in  its  outside  and 
inside  appearance  it  is  handsome  and  grand,  in  its  construction 
the  comfort  and  happiness  of  its  guests  was  not  for  a  single  moment 
lost  sight  of.  In  every  detail  the  ease  and  pleasure  of  its  custom- 
ers was  studied.  The  location  could  not  have  been  excelled  if  they 
had  sent  old  Coronado  with  his  exploring  party  all  over  the  world 
hunting  a  spot  for  it,  for  here  is  a  beautiful  dell,  surrounded  on  three 
sides  by  mountains,  and  its  other  side  open  toward  the  broad  mead- 
ows, where,  six  miles  distant,  is  the  town  of  Las  Vegas.  It  enjoys 
a  lovely  climate  and  ever-changing  scenery.  Everlasting  freshness 
meets  the  eye,  and  all  the  variety  one  can  ask  for.  The  sparkling 
waters  of  the  Gallinas  River  tumble  along  at  a  short  distance  from 
the  hotel,  while  the  most  delightful  wash-water  is  furnished  at  any 
temperature  desired  in  the  wonderful  springs,  whose  waters  have, 
no  doubt,  been  boiling  and  bubbling  up  for  ages  past,  and  will  con- 
tinue  to  bubble  and  boil  long  after  Clarissa  and  I,  and  a  few  other 
good  souls,  have  gone  to  join  the  angels. 

We  took  a  bath  in  the  springs,  and,  for  making  a  fellow  feel 
first-rate  and  getting  him  real  clean,  it  beats  all  the  places  we  have 
come  across. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


379 


I  said  to  Clarissa,  "  We  have  got  Las  Vegas,  and  mighty  good 
ones,  on  our  old  farm  in  Morganville,  and  we  have  got  the  Gallinas 
River  and  I  wish  we  had  these  hot  springs  there.  If  we  had,  I'd 
open  up  a  summer  resort,  and  see  if  we  couldn't  make  a  lot  of 
money,  as  well  as  some  other  sharp  folks." 

"  How  do  you  make  that  out,  Benjamin?"  said  she.    "  I'd  liko 


,  BALANCED  ROCK. 

o  know  vnere  we've  got  Las  Vegas  and  Gallinas  River  on  the  old 
Arm!" 

"  Well,"  said  I,  "  we  have  the  meadows,  haven't  we  ?  and  migh- 
ty fine  ones,  too." 

"  Yes,  that  is  so." 

-Well,  that  is  what  Las  Vegas  means-the  meadows,  and 
have  got  old  Hen  Creek,  running  down  through  the  west  pasture, 
haint  we  ?" 


380  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

"  Yes,  to  be  sure,"  she  said. 

"  Well,"  said  I,  "  that  is  a  Orallinas  River,  for  that's  what  it 
means  in  United  States  language." 

"  How  did  you  find  that  out,  I'd  like  to  know?" 

''Just  the  way  I  find  out  most  everything — by  asking  what  they 
meant.  I  asked  that  young  Greaser  that  scrubbed  me  in  the  bath- 
house about  it,  and  he  told  me  that  them  was  the  meanings  of  the 
terms." 

Clarissa  wanted  to  stay  here  another  day,  but  said  she  couldn't 
afford  it  as  they  wanted  a  small  farm  for  keeping  us  a  very  short  time, 
so  we  bid  The  Meadows  and  Hen  Creek  good-by,  and  took  the  Atchi- 
son,  Topeka  &  Santa  Fe  Railroad  for  Kansas  City,  the  nineteenth 
marvel  of  the  nineteenth  century,  where  we  arrived  after  passing 
through  the  magnificent  State  of  rich  prairie  farms,  with  their  won- 
derful improvements,  and  splendid  schoolhouses — Kansas. 

I  would  like  to  have  stopped  at  a  dozen  places  in  this  glorious 
State,  renowned  for  its  struggles  for  existence  without  the  dark 
stains  of  human  slavery  blemishing  its  rich  soil,  but  I  hadn't  got 
the  time. 

Kansas  City  is  one  of  the  wonders  of  the  age.  It  is  wonderful 
for  its  push  and  go-aheadativeness,  but  its  greatest  wonder  consists 
in  its  wanting  the  whole  earth  and  claiming  over  half  of  it.  We  met 
several  fellows  there  that  could  beat  the  Omaha  gentlemen  for  tall 
stories  about  its  future  prospects,  but  we  didn't  meet  any  one  there 
that  was  deaf  and  dumb;  we  asked  several  if  there  was  any  such  a 
person  there,  and  was  informed  that  there  was  not  one  in  the  city. 
I  told  Clarissa  that  it  was  a  downright  pity  that  the  Almighty  had 
failed  to  bless  Kansas  City  with  one.  What  the  city  would  come 
to,  nobody  could  tell. 

We  was  entertained  one  day  by  the  Mayor  and  the  leading  men, 
and  we  found  that  while  they  was  all  good  fellows,  so  far  as  we 
could  see,  they  was  all  dreadfully  troubled  with  the  same  complaint. 
— See  reference  to  the  Omahaians  that  boarded  our  car  at  their  city. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  381 

I  wouldn't  be  surprised  to  hear  at  almost  any  time  that  the  sun  had 
quit  getting  up  in  the  east  in  the  morning,  but  would  hereafter 
rise  in  Kansas  City  and  set  in  Omaha.  Well,  I  believe  them  is  the 
kind  of  fellows  to  make  business,  and  develop  all  there  is  in  a  coun- 
try. I  wish  we  had  some  of  them  down  in  The  Village.  As  long  as 
we  have  got  to  have  more  or  less  hypocrites,  we  had  better  have 
live  ones  that  have  got  snap  and  vim  in  'em — that  will  do  other 
folks  good  by  giving  life  and  prosperity  to  a  country,  than  a  lot  of 
old  close-fisted,  penurious,  never-dying  ones,  that  will  hang  on  to 
all  they  have  got,  and  never  give  anybody  else  a  chance. 

While  in  Kansas  City  I  discovered  a  new  scheme,  a  scheme  that 
would  just  suit  Jim  Teeters.  I  wanted  to  get  an  idea  of  what 
property  was  worth.  So  I  went  into  a  real  estate  dealer's  office  and 
putting  on  the  appearance  of  a  man  that  had  got  more  money  than 
he  knew  what  to  do  with,  asked  him  if  he  had  got  any  good  corner 
lots  to  sell. 

"  Oh,  yes  sir.  I've  got  some  that  will  just  suit  you.  If  you'll 
wait  five  minutes,  I'll  have  my  private  carriage  brought  around  and 
will  take  you  over  the  city  and  show  you  a  number  of  very  desira- 
ble lots,  any  one  of  which  you  can  double  your  money  on  in  sixty 
days,  at  the  rate  our  city  is  growing.  Please  excuse  me  a  moment, 
while  I  order  my  porter  to  bring  up  my  carriage." 

"  Oh,  certainly,"  said  I.  "  You  go  on  and  get  your  horse  and 
don't  mind  me  ;  I'll  wait  right  here,  and  see  that  they  don't  anybody 
carry  anything  off." 

He  slipped  out  into  the  next  door  which  was  in  a  barber  shop 
separated  from  his  office  by  a  thin  board  partition,  and  I  heard  the 
following  conversation ; 

"  Tom,  will  you  go  down  to  Jim's  livery  stable,  and  tell  him  I 
want  a  good  horse  and  buggy  right  away,  and  you  bring  it  up, 
will  you  ?  " 

"  Yes,  boss ;  but  de  last  time  I  was  down  there  after  a  hoss  for 
you,  he  said  dat  was  de  last  one  he  was  goin'  to  let  you  hab,  until 


382  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

you  paid  up,  and  I  spoze  he  wont  let  me  bring  one  up — but  I'll  go 
and  see." 

"  Well,  you  just  tell  Jim  that  I  have  struck  a  soft  snap  ;  that  I've 
got  a  rich  old  farmer  that  I  want  to  show  through  the  city,  and  I 
think  I  can  sell  him  half-a-dozen  lots  ;  tell  Jim  1  will  try  to  sell  that 
old  hole  in  the  ground,  that  he  calls  a  residence  lot — the  one  ho 
got  off  from  Bob  Green  in  a  game  of  poker,  and  which  haint  worth 
twenty-five  dollars — to  the  old  man,  and  if  I  strike  him  for  a  deal, 
I'll  come  right  down  and  pay  him  up.  Just  say  to  Jim  for  me  that  my 
business  has  been  very  dull  for  a  month  past ;  that  during  that  time 
I  haven't  sold  a  single  piece  of  property,  but  I  have  got  a  good 
many  prospects,  and  now  I've  got  a  soft  looking  old  farmer  that  is 
no  doubt  rich,  in  the  office,  and  I  can  stuff  him  the  same  way  we 
stuff  everybody  that  comes  here,  with  K.  C.'s  wonderful  future, 
and  I  will  sell  him  some  lots,  sure." 

"  Yes,  boss ;  I'll  go." 

"  Well.  Say,  Tom,  when  you  drive  up  to  the  door,  you  please 
act  just  as  though  you  was  my  porter,  for  I  want  the  old  man  to 
think  I  am  away  up.  You  know  a  big  impression  helps  business." 

"  Yes-sah  ;  I  spose  it  do.  Well,  all  right,  boss ;  I'll  be  dar  in  a 
few  minutes." 

The  gentleman  returned  to  the  office  with  an  air  on  to  his  coun- 
tenance of  business  importance,  as  much  as  to  say — •'  I  am  the 
heaviest  real  estate  man  in  the  city,"  and  sitting  down  in  his  spring 
cushioned,  whirl-around  chair  at  his  desk,  he  pulled  out  a  drawer 
and  took  out  of  it  a  box  of  cigars,  and  passed  them  to  me  and  very 
politely  said,  "  Please  take  a  cigar."  I  don't  smoke  very  often,  but 
on  this  occasion  I  thought  I  would. 

He  drew  his  chair  up  near  mine  and  in  a  very  confidential  way, 
laid  bare  the  tremendous  city  this  place  would  be  within  the  next 
ten  years  ;  that  its  million  of  inhabitants  would  require  so  many  hun- 
dreds of  railroads  to  convey  them  to  and  fro.  "  And,  sir,"  said  he, 
"  every  lot  within  fifteen  miles  in  either  direction  from  where  we 


EXPERIENCE  WITH  HYPOCRITES.  383 

are  sitting,  will  be  gobbled  up  in  less  than  six  months  from  now, 
and  if  you  want  to  invest  some  money  where  you  can  clear  500  per 
cent,  profit  in  less  than  a  year,  I  can  take  you  to  some  pieces  of  prop- 
erty that  you  can  buy,  where  you  can  make  that  much,  easy." 

"  By  George  !     You  don't  say  so  ?  "  I  exclaimed  in  surprise. 

"  Yes,  but  I  do  say  so,  and  more  than  that,  I  can  take  you 
where  you  can  buy  a  couple  of  lots  that  by  holding  on  to  'em  four 
or  five  years  will  make  you  a  millionaire." 

"  How  in  thunder  is  that?  "  I  asked. 

"  Why,  the  capitol  of  the  State  is  going  to  be  moved  here 
within  that  time,  and  they  will  have  to  have  those  two  lots  to  rest 
one  of  its  wings  on,"  he  replied. 

"  Look  here  !"  said  I.  •'  You  don't  pretend  to  tell  me  that  the 
capitol  of  the  great  State  of  Missouri  has  got  wings,  and  flies 
around  from  one  place  to  another,  do  you  ?  " 

"Yes  ;  she  has  wings,  and  she  is  bound  to  leave  Jefferson  City, 
and  she  will  roost  right  down  by  these  two  lots,  sure.  Then  don't 
you  see  they'll  have  to  have  'em,  and  you  can  put  your  own  price 
on  them?" 

"  Yes,"  said  I.  "  How  is  business  with  you?  Are  you  selling 
a  good  many  lots  ?  " 

"  Well,  I  should  smile,"  said  he.  "  Why  it's  simply  marvelous, 
the  amount  of  business  I  am  doing.  I  average  about  a  hundred 
sales  a  day.  Some  days  my  office  is  just  crowded,  and  I  can't  get 
around  to  wait  on  them  all.  It  is  a  little  quiet  just  now,  but  it  will 
give  us  a  good  chance  to  go  out,  and  here  is  my  carriage  at  the 
door." 

We  stepped  into  the  buggy  and  drove  off.  As  we  rode  over 
hills  and  through  hollows,  shaded  by  an  overhanging  cliff  on  our 
right,  while  on  our  left  was  a  yawning  chasm  one  moment,  and  the 
next  crossing  a  street  that  seemed  to  be  running  down  a  ravine,  I 
said,  quietly :  "You  have  a  very  fine  horse  and  buggy ;  it  rides  mighty 
easy.  How  much  do  they  charge  you  a  day  for  such  a  rig  here?  " 


384  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 

"  I  don't  know  how  much  they  would  charge  for  such  a  turn- 
out. You  see  I  own  this  rig.  I  have  several  more  ;  I  have  to  have 
them  in  my  business  to  take  our  customers  over  the  city  with.  I 
presume  that  I  have  five  or  six  out  this  morning  with  my  clerks, 
showing  property  to  customers." 

By  this  time  we  stopped  at  a  corner  where  there  was  a  deep  hole 
in  the  ground,  about  thirty  feet  wide  by  one  hundred  and  twenty 
feet  deep,  and  right  next  to  it,  a  monstrous  high  hill. 

"Now,  look  at  those  two  lots,"  said  he.  "  There  is  a  fortune  for 
you.  That  corner  lot  belongs  to  a  poor  livery  stable  man  in  town. 
He  took  it  of  a  man  that  was  unfortunate  in  a  little  speculation,  and 
as  he  needs  some  money  pretty  bad,  he  will  sell  that  lot  dirt  cheap." 

"  Why,"  said  I,  "you  don't  call  that  hole  in  the  ground  a  lot, 
do  you?  " 

"  My  dear  sir,  that  is  one  of  the  most  desirable  lots  in  the  city. 
You  see  you  have  got  your  cellar  dug  already.  You  lay  the  found- 
ation of  your  house  right  on  top  of  the  ground,  and  the  man  that 
owns  that  high  lot  next  to  you  will  give  you  fifty  cents  a  load  for  the 
privilege  of  shoveling  his  hill  into  your  lot,  and  fill  it  all  up  even 
to  grade." 

"  By  George  !  I  never  thought  of  that.  It  looks  reasonable, 
though,  don't  it  ?  How  much  do  you  ask  for  it?  " 

"  I  can  sell  you  that  lot,  if  you  should  conclude  to  take  it  before 
two  o'clock  this  P.  M. — the  hour  when  the  Real  Estate  Exchange 
meets — for  $400  a  front  foot,  but  at  that  hour  it  is  liable  to  go  up 
another  hundred  dollars  a  foot." 

"  That  is  very  cheap,  I  must  confess,  but  I  don't  believe  I  want 
it.  I  would  rather  have  the  lot  next  to  it.  How  much  can  that  be 
got  for?"  I  inquired. 

"  Well,  the  man  that  owns  that  lot,  holds  it  at  $450  a  foot." 

"  Whew!     How's  that?" 

"  Why,  he  says  that  the  man  that  owns  this  low  corner  lot  will 
give  him  a  dollar  a  load  for  his  hill  to  fill  up  his  lot  with,  and  the 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  385 

dirt  that  he  can  sell  in  getting  his  lot  down  to  grade  will  more 
than  pay  for  it." 

I  could  not  help  saying,  "  By  Gosh  !  "  and  I  asked  him  if  them 
two  lots  was  a  fair  specimen  of  the  balance  he  had  to  sell. 

He  said  they  was  about  a  fair  average. 

I  was  taken  with  a  violent  swimming  in  my  head,  and  asked 
him  if  he  would  please  drive  me  to  my  hotel.  He  saw  I  was  as 
white  in  the  face  as  a  ghost,  and  took  me  to  the  hotel  in  quick  time. 

He  wanted  to  know  when  he  could  call  for  me. 

I  told  him  not  until  I  had  recovered  from  the  first  attack. 

Of  all  the  doses  of  rank,  genuine  hypocrisy  that  I  have  swal- 
lowed since  I  left  home,  this  was  the  worst,  and  I  told  Clarissa  that 
it  wasn't  safe  to  stay  in  Kansas  City  any  longer,  for  if  we  did,  I 
should  be  prostrated  on  a  bed  of  sickness.  So  we  took  the  even- 
ing train,  and  the  next  morning  arrived  in  Chicago's  great  rival 
city,  that  stretches  its  busy  arms  up  and  down  the  meandering  Mis- 
sissippi, while  its  monstrous  body  lays  back  from  Sippi's  western 
bank. 


386  SHAMS;    OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 


CHAPTER  XXXV. 

'HILE  we  was  in  Chicago  we  got  the  impression  from 
remarks  we  frequently  heard,  and  from  items  we  occasion- 
ally ran  across  in  their  papers,  that  St.  Louis  had  in  former 
days  been  a  thriving,  active  small  city,  but  that  in  the  race  for  busi- 
ness and  influence  with  the  great  Chicago  it  had  been  completely 
distanced,  and  consequently,  had  become  discouraged,  and  had  laid 
down,  fatigued,  and  gone  to  sleep,  content  with  being  numbered 
with  the  great  things  of  the  past.  Therefore,  we  was  expecting  to 
see  a  city  of  quiet  peacefulness,  whose  large  buildings  were  closed, 
and  upon  whose  walls  we  would  see  posted,  "  Hands  Off.  Don't 
mar  these  premises,  or  carry  off  any  splinters  for  relics,"  and  other 
indications  of  sacred  silence  that  usually  reigns  in  abandoned  and 
dead  cities  and  towns. 

But  we  was  perfectly  surprised,  when  we  rode  through  the 
streets  from  the  depot  to  the  Southern  Hotel,  to  find  all  the  activity 
and  stir  there  was  in  Chicago.  There  was  not  quite  so  much  rusk 
and  bustle,  but  there  was  an  air  of  determination  resting  on  the  faces 
of  the  men  we  met  and  passed  on  the  streets,  that  seemed  to  say, 
"  We  are  getting  there  all  the  same,  if  we  don't  make  so  much  fuss 
about  it." 

At  the  Southern  we  was  treated  first-rate,  and  everything  was 
done  to  make  us  feel  at  home  that  could  be  done.  They  gave  us 
their  best  spare  bedroom,  with  a  bathroom  opening  out  of  it,  and 
they  took  special  pains  to  introduce  us  to  several  distinguished  per- 
sons that  was  there ;  among  the  rest  was  the  mayor  of  the  city. 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  387 

He  was  a  perfect  gentleman,  and  was  very  polite,  especially  to  Clar- 
issa. He  invited  us  to  take  a  ride  with  him  in  his  own  private  car 
riage.  We  was  just  as  polite  to  him  as  we  knew  how  to  be,  and 
told  him  we  was  dreadful  glad  to  go  riding  with  him. 

While  he  was  naving  the  carriage  hitched  up  and  brought  up 
to  the  hotel,  I  went  and  got  a  store  shave — the  first  one  I  ever  had, 
for  I  always  shave  myself — and  got  a  nigger  to  black  my  boots, 
while  Clarissa  changed  her  dress  and  put  on  her  crow-grain  black 
silk,  so  both  of  us  would  look  real  slick  and  nice. 

The  carriage  had  arrived  at  the  front  door,  and  the  mayor  was 
waiting  for  us.  As  we  stepped  into  the  elegant  carriage  I  noticed 
his  driver,  like  Mayor  Harrison's,  had  on  a  mourning  hat-band. 

They  took  us  all  over  the  city,  and  out  to  Mr.  Shaw's  garden. 
We  was  surprised  almost  every  minute,  for,  instead  of  a  dead  or 
abandoned  city,  we  found  a  great  city,  chuck-full  of  enterprise 
and  business,  while  in  the  residence  portions  we  found  an  air  of  old- 
fashioned  comfort,  solidity  combined  with  beauty,  that  was  far  ahead 
of  Chicago,  and  Mr.  Shaw's  garden  was  perfectly  beautiful.  Clarissa 
said  she  would  like  to  live  in  that  garden  for  a  month.  She  is  pas- 
sionately fond  of  posies. 

We  drove  across  the  pride  and  glory  of  the  city— her  wonder- 
ful bridge— and  had  a  good  look  at  Old  Mississippi.  The  steamboats 
that  lined  the  bank  of  the  river  told  the  story  of  her  wonderful  ad- 
vantage in  reaching  the  towns  up  and  down  the  river,  that  Chicago 
did  not  possess.  The  ride  was  highly  instructive,  as  well  as 

pleasant. 

On  our  way  back  to  the  hotel  Clarissa  and  I  and  the  mayor  got 
quite  well  acquainted.  He  went  on  for  a  long  time,  telling  us  about 
the  advantages  St.  Louis  possessed  over  Chicago.  I  asked  him  if 
he  thought  that  St.  Louis  would  in  course  of  time  be  as  large  and 
important  a  city  as  Chicago  was  at  present.  "Of  course,"  said  I, 
"it  will  never  catch  up  with  it,  for  while  your  city  is  growing,  C 
cago  is  jumping  right  ahead  all  the  time." 


388  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

He  said,  "  Of  course  it  will.  While  Chicago  is  a  little  ahead 
of  us  in  population,  and  outstrips  us  in  braggadocio  and  flapdoodle, 
we  are  far  ahead  of  her  in  solid  wealth.  Our  city  is  prosperous, 
and  its  inhabitants  own  their  places  of  business,  and  their  homes 
are  paid  for,  and  not  plastered  all  over  with  mortgages,  as  two- 
thirds  of  the  Chicago  houses  and  homes  are."  I  saw  there  was  a 
spirit  of  envy  sticking  out  of  both  ends  of  his  remarks.  I  spoke  up, 
and  said : 

"  Isn't  it  an  indication  of  the  prosperity  and  growth  of  a  city, 
when  it  is  able  to  borrow  all  the  money  it  needs  on  the  security  of  its- 
property  ?  Men  of  means  don't  very  often  loan  money  to  dead 
folks  and  take  mortgages  on  their  corpses,  do  they?" 

"  I  want  you  to  understand  that  St.  Louis  aint  dead,  by  any 
means,"  said  he,  in  a  little  huffy  tone. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon.  I  did  not  say  she  was, — and  by  the  way 
she  kicks  whenever  the  word  Chicago  is  mentioned,  I  know  she  haint 
dead,  nor  did  I  even  think  she  was ;  but  I  spoke  as  I  did  to  show  that 
if  Chicago  has  got  some  mortgage  porous  plasters  on  her  back,  she 
is  an  all-fired  smart  city,  and  the  business  men  are  making  money 
there,  and  your  folks  hadn't  ought  to  be  so  sensitive  whenever  there 
is  any  mention  made  of  the  eighth  wonder  of  the  world." 

The  mayor  didn't  like  my  remarks,  which  I  could  plainly  see, 
and  I  said,  "  If  you  won't  get  offended  at  my  suggestion,  I  think  I 
can  put  you  on  the  track  of  rapidly  improving  your  city,  and  ulti- 
mately make  it  go  away  ahead  of  Chicago." 

He  brightened  up,  and  said,  "  Certainly  not.  I  shall  be  very 
happy  to  receive  any  suggestions  you  have  to  offer." 

"  Well,  then,"  said  I,  "  you  just  enter  into  an  arrangement  with 
Carter  Harrison,  of  Chicago,  to  give  you  some  pointers,  and  if  he 
will,  and  he  is  not  elected  mayor  this  term,  he  can  put  you  on  the 
right  road  to  success." 

"Well!  well!  well!  what  makes  you  think  so?" 

"  Think  so?  think  so?"  said  I.    "  There  is  no  think  about  it.     I 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES.  389 

know  so,  for  he  told  Clarissa  and  I  both  that  he  took  hold  of  Chi- 
cago  when  it  was  a  small  city  of  a  couple  hundred  thousand,  and 
since  he  had  run  it  as  its  mayor  he  had  brought  it  up  to  nearly  800,- 
ooo.  Why!  it's  perfectly  marvelous  what  that  man  can  do.  You 
just  take  my  advice,  and  write  to  Carter  in  regard  to  it." 

He  said  he  would  think  about  it. 

By  this  time  we  had  arrived  at  the  hotel.  We  thanked  him  for 
his  kind  attention,  and  invited  him  to  come  with  his  family  and  visit 
us  some  time,  which  he  agreed  to  do.  After  dinner  I  went  to  pay 
my  bill,  and  the  landlord  wouldn't  take  a  cent.  He  said  he  had 
noticed  our  visit  in  Chicago,  and  he  felt  it  as  much  of  an  honor  to 
him  to  entertain  us  as  it  was  to  Mr.  Palmer. 

After  expressions  of  gratitude,  and  extending  him  a  pressing 
invitation  to  visit  us,  we  bid  him  good-by,  and  took  the  Chicago  & 
Alton  train  for  Chicago. 


39O  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 


CHAPTER    XXXVI. 

'E  arrived  in  Chicago  Friday  morning,  and  went  to  the  Pal- 
mer House.  Everything  seemed  to  be  alive  and  stirring. 
The  rustle,  bustle,  rattle,  roar,  bang  and  jam  on  every  side 
seemed  about  as  it  did  on  our  former  visit.  They  was  glad  to  see 
us  back  again  at  the  tavern,  or  at  least  they  said  so,  and  of  course, 
tavern-keepers  and  their  clerks  never  say  anything  they  don't 
mean.  I  thanked  them,  and  said  I  was  glad  to  return. 

Everything  around  this  great  palace  seemed  quite  natural. 
The  same  general  rush  in  the  office,  the  same  mixture  of  different 
nationalities,  the  majority  being  the  descendants  of  the  dwellers  in 
the  Holy  Land,  who  seemed  to  have  an  eye  open  to  the  main  chance, 
the  same  lot  of  country  merchants,  stockmen,  and  farmers,  and  the 
same  crowd  of  swells  and  dudes,  with  their  one  blind  eyeglass  and  cane. 
And  among  the  general  crowd  I  saw  the  tall,  lean,  lank,  hawkeyed, 
cadaverous  cuss  that  belongs  to  the  reportorial  staff  (&$>  he  calls  it) 
of  the  Chicago  Tribune.  I  made  up  my  mind  I  would  avoid  him  if 
possible,  and  so  I  started  for  my  room,  and  proceeded  up  the  grand 
stairway.  I  had  only  got  up  to  the  first  broad  stair,  when  that  cuss, 
with  a  hop,  jump  and  three  steps,  landed  beside  me,  and  with  ex- 
tended hand  and  a  horrible  grin,  said,  "  How  are  you,  Mr.  Morgan? 
Glad  to  see  you !  When  did  you  return?  I'd  like  to  have  a  little 
interview  with  you,  if  you  can  spare  me  a  little  of  your  time." 

If  you  ever  had  a  bare  spot  on  top  of  your  head  when  you 
have  been  sitting  on  the  bank  of  a  river  under  the  shade  of  a  tree  in 
the  summer,  with  your  hat  off,  holding  a  fishpole  in  your  hand,  wait- 


EXPERIENCE  WITH   HYPOCRITES. 


391 


ing  an  hour  or  so  for  some  innocent  fool  of  a  fish  to  invite  you  to 
pull  him  in  out  of  the  wet,  and  realized  the  peculiar  sensation  of 
having  the  tallest  skeeter  in  the  woods  light  on  the  clearing  in  your 
locks  and  sink  a  shaft  for  blood,  you  can  imagine  my  feelings  just  at 
that  moment.  I  turned  to  the  town  tattler,  and  in  the  language  of 
Mr.  Harrison,  said,  "  I  won't  be  interviewed  ;  I  don't  want  to  be  in- 
terviewed, and  dumb  me,  if  I  will  be  interviewed.  I  haint  got  noth- 
ing to  tell ;  I  don't  want  to  tell  nothing,  and  dumb  me,  if  I  will  tell 


SINKING   A   SHAFT   FOR   BLOOD. 

nothing.  I  don't  want  to  be  lied  about,  and  dumb  me,  if  I  will  be 
lied  about.  I  am  an  honest  and  upright  man ;  I  always  was  an  hon- 
est and  upright  man,  and  dumb  me,  I  am  always  going  to  be  an 
honest  and  upright  man.  I  am  Chicago's  best  mayor,  and  dumb 
me,  I  always  will  be  Chicago's  best  mayor-No!  no!  Excuse  me. 
That  last  remark  didn't  apply  to  me.  I  was  thinking  about  whs 
he  told  me,  and  wasn't  thinking  what  I  was  saying.  No,  I  haint, 
nor  never  will  be,  mayor  of  this  city.  I  haint  been  to  breakfast  yet 
and  haint  got  time  to  be  interviewed,  so  good-morning." 


392  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

up-stairs,  and  left  him  on  the  broad  stair  in  front  of  the  big  look- 
ing-glass. He  had  a  pencil  and  paper  in  his  hand,  and  was  scratch- 
ing like  a  hen  after  grubs. 

We  went  into  the  grand  dining  room  for  breakfast.  Everything 
looked  as  usual,  except  they  had  got  a  new  picture  over  one  of  the 
doors.  It  was  off  to  my  left  side,  and  I  said  to  Clarissa : 

" Do  you  see  that  big  picture  over  there?    It's  awful  nice." 

"  Where,  Benjamin  ?    I  don't  see  it." 

"  Why,  right  over  there,"  and  I  pointed  it  out  with  my  fork, 
and  she  pinched  me. 

Said  I,  "  What's  that  for  ;  what  have  I  done  now  ?" 

"  I  thought  I  told  you,  when  we  was  here  before,  that  your  fork 
was  made  to  eat  with,  and  not  be  jabbing  things  with  it,"  said  she. 

After  breakfast  Clarissa  and  I  went  down  to  the  mayor's  office, 
to  see  Mr.  Harrison.  We  was  surprised  when  we  was  informed 
that  Mr.  Harrison  wasn't  the  mayor  any  longer.  That  the  people 
had  decided  at  its  recent  election  not  to  take  any  more  of  his  valua- 
ble time  and  cause  him  any  more  trouble  in  running  the  city  gov- 
ernment, and  had  elected  one  of  the  common  people,  Mr.  Roche,  for 
mayor,  and  at  present  Mr.  Harrison  was  out  of  a  job.  If  lightning 
had  struck  the  city  and  shattered  it  from  one  end  to  the  other,  I 
wouldn't  have  been  more  thunderstruck. 

I  asked  a  young  man  in  the  office  where  we  would  find  Mr. 
Harrison.  He  said  he  didn't  know.  I  asked  him  if  he  could  direct 
me  to  Mike  McDonald's  place  of  business.  He  said  he  could,  and 
after  getting  our  directions  we  bid  him  good-by,  and  went  over  to 
Mr.  McDonald's  place  on  Clark  Street. 

We  found  that  gentleman,  and  after  introducing  ourselves,  told 
him  who  we  was  and  what  we  wanted.  He  was  very  pleasant,  and 
invited  us  into  his  private  room.  After  we  was  seated  he  said,  "  I 
have  heard  Carter  speak  of  you  often,  and  I  know  he  will  be  glad  to 
see  you.  At  present  you'll  find  him  at  home — he  is  not  feeling  well. 
The  facts  are  these :  He  wanted  to  be  mayor  of  the  city,  and  thought 


•^j-^u*^-  p^y///  ii      b^J  , — *r~ 

'_____ _-fe=a»//  lifLSJl,  ij^i  b/fi:pj(^5; 


r*  iipv       &•          2=g^    w "   K//  /y/fl  ill  ' 


POINTING  OUT  WITH   MY 


FORK   THE  MOST  INTERESTING  POINTS. 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  395 

the  best  way  to  make  sure  of  it  was  to  announce  in  the  papers  that 
he  would  under  no  circumstances  run  for  the  office  ;  that  by  doing 
so  the  people  would  run  after  him  in  a  mass,  and  make  him  the 
mayor  in  spite  of  his  assumed  objections  ;  and  in  case  they  did,  he 
could  do  as  he  pleased,  just  as  he  always  has  done.  But  the 
dumb  fools  of  people  thought  he  was  honest,  and  meant  what  he 
said,  and  they  wouldn't — and  they  didn't  elect  him,  but,  on  the  contra- 
ry, they  went  to  work  and  ignored  all  of  his  suggestions,  and  elected 
one  of  the  common  men,  Roche,  by  the  biggest  majority  that  was 
ever  given  to  any  mayor  ever  elected  in  the  city  When  Carter 
saw  the  people  had  misconstrued  his  real  meaning,  and  took  him  at 
his  word,  he  tried  to  get  them  to  elect  a  highly  respectable  anarchist ; 
but  the  people  hadn't  got  over  thinking  about  a  little  trouble  the  city 
had  with  the  anarchists  last  spring,  and  they  didn't  comply  with 
Carter's  desire,  and  he  has  been  so  mad  about  the  way  things  have 
gone  that  he  won't  come  down  town  any  more,  only  when  he  is 
obliged  to,  and  when  he  does,  he  is  hounded  to  death  by  them 
reporters." 

Clarissa  spoke  up,  and  with  a  sigh,  said :  "  Well,  I'm  awful  sorry 
for  Mr.  Harrison,  for  he  is  such  a  good  man." 

"  Yes,  so  am  I,"  said  Mr.  McDonald ;  "  I  am  sorry,  but  I,  and 
four  or  five  of  his  old  chums,  drive  out  to  see  him  most  every  even- 
ing and  cheer  him  up  with  a  few  games.  The  fact  is,  the  city  has 
drifted  into  the  hands  of  a  lot  of  cranks,  and  they  have  got  every 

paper  in  the  city  under  their  influence,  and  they  are  just  playing 

with  the  best  men  we  have  got.  They  have  gone  to  work  and  got 
all  of  the  old  commissioners,  and  some  of  the  best  men  we  have,  in- 
dieted  for  swindling  the  county  and  stealing,  and  a  whole  lot  of  other 

nonsense,  and  now  they  are  going  to  send  them  to  the  State's 

Prison,  if  they  can  hire  enough liars  to  prove  their  charges. 

Now,  there  is  Dan  Wren.  Everybody  knows  that  he  is  the  very 
soul  of  honor.  If  he  ever  gets  beat,  he  pays  up  like  a  man.  They 
have  a  dozen  or  more  crimes  charged  against  him.  And  Van  Pelt, 


396  SHAMS;   OR,   UNCLE   BEN'S 

who  wouldn't  think  of  doing  a  wrong — they've  got  him  with  the  rest. 

And  then,  to  cap  the  whole scheme,  they  got  the  chairman  of 

the  board,  Mr.  Klehm,  indicted  on  the  contemptible  charge  of  steal- 
ing $5,000  out  of  the  bottom  of  a  well  down  to  the  Insane  Asylum. 
That  is  the  dirtiest  part  of  the  cranks'  work.  You  see,  it  was  just 
like  this:  You  know  crazy  folks  drink  a  pile  of  water.  If  they 
drank  good  old  whisky  and  beer,  they  wouldn't  be  crazy,  and  they 
had  to  have  a  new  well  down  there,  and  of  course,  they  wanted  a 
big  one.  Now,  Klehm  was  working  for  the  interests  of  the  county, 
and  watched  everything,  and  saw  that  the  county  got  the  lowest 
prices  on  everything,  and  that  nothing  was  stole.  So,  when  the  well 
was  to  be  dug,  he  let  the  contract  to  the  LOWEST  bidder,  of  course. 
So  he  let  the  job  to  a  feller  for  80  cents  a  foot  for  the  first  300  feet, 
and  for  every  additional  300  feet  a  large  increase  ;  and  when  below 
2,000  feet,  it  was  to  be  $4.50  a  foot.  When  the  well  was  done, 
Klehm  went  out  and  measured  it  with  his  own  weight  and  line,  and 
when  the  weight  struck  bottom,  it  broke  loose  from  the  line  ;  but  he 
measured  the  line,  and  it  was  about  2,500  feet  deep." 

"  Oh,  what  an  awful  deep  well!  "  said  Clarissa. 

"  Yes,  it  is ;  but  you  must  understand,  madam,  that  they  are 
awful  crazy  out  there,  and  drink  lots  of  water.  Well,  when  this  crank 
jury  was  hauling  the  commissioners  over,  they  thought  the  well  was 
too  deep;  so  the  fools  all  went  out  there  and  got  Furthmann  to  measure 
it,  and  he  went  down  and  measured  every  foot  till  he  got  to  the  bot- 
tom, where  he  found  Klehm's  weight,  and  brought  it  up  with  him. 
He  said  the  well  was  just  1,500  feet  deep.  And  now  they  want  to 
raise  the  devil  with  Klehm,  and  send  him  to  the  pen,  just  because 
he  made  a  mistake  in  measuring  that  crazy-house  well,  of  a  thousand 
feet.  Don't  you  see  what  a  mean,  pusillanimous  piece  of  work  that  is  ? 
And  just  so  with  all  the  rest  of  the  commissioners.  They  are  being 
persecuted  by  these  cranks  for  some  little,  trivial  mistakes  or  over- 
sights. Why,  they  have  got  my  little  brother,  Eddie,  who  was  a  poor, 
hard-working  engineer  out  at  the  Cook  County  Hospital,  indicted 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  397 


BO 


for  stealing,  on  some trumped  up  lies,  and  poor  Eddie  feels  _ 

sick  that  he  can't  say  his  prayers  before  he  gets  into  bed  in  his  cool~ 
cool  cell.  And  they  indicted  Eddie's  old  playmate,  Billy  McGar- 
rigle,  for  being  an  honest  warden,  and  have  locked  the  boys  up  in 
jail." 

"  Oh,  oh  !  what  a  pity  !  "  said  Clarissa. 

"  Yes,  it  is  a  pity,"  said  Mike,  "  You  see,  condemn  it,  it  breaks 
up  all  our  arrangements.  It  breaks  up  our  Sunday-school  class, 
and  all  the  nice  picnics  we  had  arranged  for  this  coming  summer 
are  knocked  into  a  cocked  hat  by  these  infernal  old  cranks.  I  tell 
you  what  it  is,  I'd  rather  live  in  Canada  any  time,  and  if  I  could  get 
the  boys  together  without  being  watched,  we'd  all  move  over  there ; 

but  there  it  is, it,  these cranks  are  right  onto  us  all  the 

time,  and  we  can't  breathe  but  they've  got  a  detective  on  the  spot  to 
catch  the  lost  breath.  I  am  getting  disgusted  with  the  city,  any  way, 
and  I  am  going  to  move  out,  if  it  goes  on  this  way  much  longer.  We 
can't  act  as  we  would  if  they  would  let  us  alone.  As  it  is,  we  are 
forced  into  a  position  of  hypocrisy  which  is  contrary  to  our  natures, 
as  every  one  knows  that  knows  us." 

Clarissa  heaved  several  sighs,  and  expressed  her  sorrow  for  the 
persecuted  good  men  of  Chicago. 

As  we  left  his  place,  and  returned  to  the  Palmer  for  dinner,  I 
said  to  Clarissa  that  she  had  better  keep  her  briny  tears  corked  up 
until  we  heard  the  dear  people's  side  of  the  case.  Although  I  know 
I  am  chuck-full  of  shortcomings,  yet  there  is  one  thing  I  have  al- 
ways stuck  to,  and  that  is  to  never  turn  myself  loose  until  I  have 
heard  both  sides  of  a  story. 

We  had  been  so  busy  traveling  and  seeing  sights  ever  since  we 
left  Chicago  for  the  West,  that  I  had  not  read  very  much  in  the 
newspapers,  so  I  was  ignorant  of  what  had  been  going  on  in  the  city 
while  we  was  gone ;  but  Clarissa  had  finished  reading  her  book,, 
and  when  we  went  to  our  room,  after  dinner,  she  guessed  that  Mr. 
Harrison  had  anticipated  his  defeat,  as  the  book,  "  Shadows  of  the 


398  SHAMS;  OR,  UNCLE  BEN'S 

Future,"  was  a  kind  of  prophecy  pointing  to  such  a  result  in  the 
coming  election.  She  was  sorry  for  him,  as  he  was  such  a  great  man. 

"  Well,"  says  she,  "  we'll  do  our  duty,  and  go  to  his  house  this 
afternoon  and  see  him,  and  console  with  him.  I  know  that  when 
folks  are  in  trouble,  and  are  passing  under  the  dark  cloud  of  afflic- 
tion, they  need  the  sympathy  of  all  their  friends  and  neighbors,  and 
it  is  the  duty  of  all  their  friends  and  neighbors  to  call  on  them,  and 
tell  them  how  sorry  they  are  for  them." 

We  went  out  to  Mr.  Harrison's  house,  and  rung  the  door  bell. 
The  same  servant  girl  that  was  there  when  we  was  at  his  house  be- 
fore came  to  the  door,  and  says,  "  Och !  and  ye  bees  the  Morganses 
as  was  here  last  winter,  and  would  ye  be  after  wantin'  to  see  the 
boss?"  Clarissa  told  her  that  we  came  to  call  on  him.  "  Weil,  thin, 
I'll  be  axin'  him  if  he  wants  to  see  ye,"  and  off  she  went,  and  in  a 
few  minutes  he  came  to  the  door,  and  in  his  pleasant  manner  invited 
us  into  the  parlor. 

He  had  changed  considerable,  and  looked  much  poorer  than  be- 
fore. He  said  he  was  glad  to  see  us,  and  Clarissa  told  him  she  was 
glad  to  see  him,  but  was  awful  sorry  to  see  him  looking  so  poor. 
Says  she,  "  I  presume  it  is  wearing  on  you  to  be  disappointed  so." 
Said  he,  "  What  do  you  mean  by  being  disappointed  ?" 

"  Why,  in  not  being  elected  mayor  of  the  city,"  she  replied. 

"Oh!  no,  that  isn't  wearing  on  me  a  mite,"  said  he,  "  but  to 
think  that  Chicago  has  got  to  get  along  with  a  mayor  that  hasn't  had 
any  experience,  and  is  liable  at  any  minute  to  ruin  the  city,  worries 
me  a  great  deal,  and  I  can't  bear  the  thought  that  all  the  good  men 
I  have  put  into  different  official  positions,  and  have  spent  so  much 
time  in  drilling,  so^they  would  do  any  and  everything  I  told  them  to 
do,  should  be  turned  out,  without  a  dollar  in  their  pockets,  and  noth- 
ing to  do  for  an  honest  living." 

Clarissa  said,  as  the  tears  began  to  wet  the  left  side  of  her  nose — 
(there  is  something  peculiar  about  Clarissa — she  can't  cry  out  of 
only  one  eye),  "  Mr.  Harrison,  you  are  too  great  and  noble  a  man  to 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  399 

sacrifice  yourself  for  the  benefit  of  such  an  ungrateful  city.  Why 
don't  you  go  to  St.  Louis  and  be  mayor  for  that  city  ?  They  need 
you  there  !" 

"  Thank  you,  Mrs.  Morgan,  for  your  kind  remarks  and  your 
advice.  I  cannot  possibly  think  of  being  mayor  of  any  city  again, 
as  I  intend  to  sail  for  Europe  very  soon,"  he  responded. 

We  had  a  very  pleasant  visit,  considering  the  gloomy  conversa- 
tion, for  about  two  hours,  when  we  bid  him  good-by,  and  returned 
to  our  hotel. 

It  may  be  just  possible  that  Chicago  may  survive  the  terrible 
blow  of  losing  its  able  Carter  and  its  county  commissioners.  She 
survived  the  greatest  fire  that  ever  warmed  any  city  in  the  world, 
and  in  time,  I  think  she  will  survive  this  calamity. 


400  SHAMS ;  OR,   UNCLE  BEN'S 


CHAPTER   XXXVII. 

?E  remained  in  Chicago  but  a  few  days  this  time,  as  we  was 
anxious  to  get  home.  I  wish  I  had  time  to  tell  the  many 
experiences  I  had  with  a  host  of  smooth,  highly  polished 
and  genteel  hypocrites.  I  met  them  under  the  guise  of  merchants, 
unfortunate  capitalists,  heirs  of  great  expectations,  but  temporarily 
laborin'  under  a  "  Col.  Sellers"  misfortune  of  bein'  financially  em- 
barrassed, missionaries,  ministers  (that  the  Lord  has  no  further  use 
for),  obliging  gentlemen,  ready  to  show  a  stranger  golden  opportu- 
nities for  making  a  fortune,  and  a  hundred  other  characters,  all 
seeking  one  common  end,  the  bottom  end  of  my  pocket — but  I  have 
not,  as  the  bus  is  waiting  at  the  door,  to  take  us  to  the  L.  S.  &  M 
S.  R.  R.  depot,  where  we  take  the  train  for  Syracuse.  So,  good-by 
to  Chicago,  the  great  city  of  activity,  filled  with  great  and  good 
men,  who  tower  like  a  Pike's  Peak  above  the  common  mass,  and  an 
immense  host  of  hypocrites,  who  like  worms,  and  snakes,  crawl  all 
through  it,  working  their  way  into  every  phase  of  its  life. 

We  left  the  city  on  the  morning  train,  and  reached  Syracuse 
the  next  day  about  noon.  Mrs.  Buzzbee  and  her  husband  met  us  at 
the  depot,  and  we  went  to  their  house  and  staid  over  night  with  them. 
The  evening  passed  off  so  quickly  at  the  house,  that  before  we  was 
aware  of  it  it  was  midnight.  Mr.  B.  said,  "  Uncle  Ben,  how  do  you 
and  the  hypocrites  get  along?  have  you  reformed  them  all?"  To 
which  I  replied,  "No!  I've  given  up  the  job.  I  thought  we  had  a 
few  up  in  our  neighborhood,  but  they  haint  a  fly  speck  compared 
with  what  we've  met.  It's  no  use,  Mr.  Buzzbee;  to  reform  one  is  plant- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  4or 

ing  the  seeds  for  a  hundred  ;  it's  like  killing  one  skeeter  in  the 
woods— his  body  seems  to  turn  into  a  dozen  more.  And  then  there 
is  something  so  catching  about  that  moral  disease,  hypocrisy,  that 
while  you  are  trying  to  reform  others  that  are  afflicted  with  it',  you 
are  liable  to  have  an  attack  of  it  yourself,  and  when  a  professional 
reformer  catches  it,  it  goes  awful  hard  with  him,  and  like  leprosy, 
he  never  recovers  from  it.  You  take  these  great  political  reformers, 
temperance  reformers,  railroad  tariff  reformers,  financial  reformers 
and  even  religious  reformers,  and  you'll  find  that  most  of  'em  get  a 
dreadful  severe  attack  of  it.  So  I've  concluded  not  to  undertake 
the  job,  but  to  go  home  to  the  old  farm,  and  with  Clarissa  do  my 
duty  as  I  understand  it ;  be  honest  and  content  with  what  I  have, 
and  try  to  make  Clarissa  happy  as  long  as  we  live,  and  leave  the 
job  of  correctin'  the  evil  practices  of  human  men  in  the  hands  of 
the  great  Engineer  of  the  universe,  who  has  His  hand  upon  the 
lever  and  can  reverse  action  and  shut  off  steam,  whenever,  in  his 
judgment,  it  is  necessary.  He  has  done  it  all  along  the  past  His- 
tory is  but  a  description  of  the  mysterious  workings  of  the  great 
spiritual  engine  moving  under  the  guidance  of  His  hand  and  will." 

When  I  had  finished,  Mr.  B.  and  his  wife  both  spoke  up  with 
an  air  of  surprise  pervadin'  every  lineament  of  their  countenance, 
and  said,  "  Well,  Mr.  Morgan,  you  have  changed  considerable 
since  you  left  here  on  this  trip.  You  talk  as  though  you  had  been 
to  college,  studying." 

Clarissa  spoke  up  and  said,  "  Ye.s,  Benjamin  has  improved  con- 
siderable. When  we  first  started  out,  I  done  most  of  the  talkin', 
and  now  he  does  most  of  it,  but  he  has  taken  a  good  many  lessons. 
His  first  lesson  was  here  in  Syracuse ;  his  next  was  on  the  train 
from  Buffalo  to  Cleveland ;  then  again  at  Chicago,  and  again  in 
Virginia  City,  and  then  in  San  Francisco,  and  all  along.  I'm  glad 
on't.  Our  trip  has  cost  us  lots  of  money,  but  it  has  been  a  good 
school  to  both  of  us,  and  we  could,  in  no  other  way,  have  learned 
so  much,  to  say  nothing  about  the  pleasure  we  have  had  for  the 


402 


SHAMS;  OR,  UNCLE  BENS 


same  amount  of  money,  as  we  have  by  the  swindling  scheme  oi 
Ketchem,  Holdem,  Skinem  &  Co.,  in  running  their  great  transcon- 
tinental excursion." 

The  next  day  I  met  the  last  year's  mayor  at  Buzzbee's  store, 
the  same  one  I  met  in  the  club  room  when  I  was  here  before. 
He  was  the  same  polite  gentleman  he  was  then,  and  was  very  nice 
to  me.  I  begged  his  pardon  for  the  abrupt  remarks  I  made  when 
in  their  clubroom  last  November.  I  told  him  I  had  just  left  the 
farm  and  was  totally  ignorant  of  the  ways  of  the  world,  and  at  that 


"NOTHIN"  STRONGER  THAN  LEMONADE  AND  CIGARS." 

time  supposed  that  shamming  and  hypocrisy  was  an  occasional  ex- 
ception to  the  general  rule,  but  I  had,  during  my  travels,  learned 
that  it  is  the  general  rule ;  that  it  is  quite  fashionable  to  sham,  and 
I  was  and  still  continue  to  be  out  of  fashion ;  but  I  did  not  intend, 
in  the  future,  to  be  a  fool  by  blurtin'  out  my  prejudiced  notion  of 
things,  and  hurting  others'  feelings  without  doing  any  good.  He 
said  I  was  fully  pardoned,  and  he  had  not  thought  ill  of  me,  for  he 
knew  I  was  honest,  but  had  not  seen  the  world  as  it  is.  His  remarks 
was  true. 

We  arrived  at  the  village  at  five  P.  M.    We  was  met  at  the  depot 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  403 

by  Eb  and  Mary,  and  Abe  and  Lily,  and  a  whole  lot  of  our  old 
neighbors,  all  glad  to  see  us  home  again.  And  we  was  glad  to  see 
them.  They  had  hired  the  village  brass  band  to  escort  us  from  the 
depot  up  into  The  Village,  and  as  we  walked  up  the  sidewalk,  the 
band  marched  ahead  of  us  with  a  big  banner  in  front  of  'em,  say- 
ing  ;  "  This  way  to  the  Fat  Cattle  Show  .'" 

Of  course  we  had  to  take  it,  and  I  had  to  stand  treat  for  the 
whole  town.  "  Nothin'  stronger  than  lemonade  and  cigars,"  said  I, 
when  we  arrived  at  Ebenezer's  store.  Eb  made  a  barrel  of  lemon- 
ade,  and  set  out  500  cigars  to  the  crowd.  Zolliver  Ramsdell  stood 
on  the  steps  in  front  of  the  store  and  delivered  a  speech  of  welcome, 
to  which  I  had  to  respond.  Whether  it  was  the  speech  of  Zolliver 
or  my  speech,  or  the  cigars  and  lemonade  that  kept  the  whole  vil- 
lage there  in  a  jam  for  more'n  two  hours,  I  can't  say,  but  it  was  mid- 
night  before  they  all  left,  and  Clarissa  and  I  retired  to  Ebenezer  and 
Mary  Plunket's  private  spare  bedroom,  to  blissful  repose,  which  we 
stood  in  need  of. 

When  we  come  out  to  breakfast  in  the  morning,  Ebenezer 
handed  me  a  lot  of  letters.  The  first  one  I  opened  was  from  Squire 
Bigler,  containing  his  Cattle  Scheme,  showing  a  statement  of  the 
concern  he  had  organized.  He  had  his  picture  in  the  center  of  it 
representing  him  in  the  act  of  making  a  speech.  Here  it  is,  just  as 
he  had  it  printed  : 

COLORADO   CATTLE  COMPANY. 

This  Company  was  organized  under  the  laws  of  the  State  of  Colorado  for  the  purpose 
of  buying,  raising,  shipping  and  selling  cattle  and  other  live  stock,  and  for  the  purpose  of 
buying  and  owning  grazing  land  in  said  State. 

The  capital  stock  is  ONE  MILLION  DOLLARS,  divided  into  TEN  THOUSAND  SHARES  of 
the  par  value  of  ONE  HUNDRED  DOLLARS  each,  issued  full  paid  and  non-assessible. 

The  affairs  of  the  company  are  under  the  management  of  not  less  than  five  nor  more 
than  nine  trustees,  who  are  to  be  elected  annually  by  the  stockholders  at  their  meetings  to  be 
held  on  the  first  Monday  in  November  in  each  year. 

The  business  of  the  company,  as  provided  by  its  charter,  is  to  be  carried  on  in  the  State  of 
Colorado,  with  its  principal  office  in  the  city  of  Denver  and  a  branch  office  in  the  city  of  New 
York  in  the  State  of  New  York,  where  the  meetings  of  the  stockholders  and  board  of  trustees 
may  be  held,  and  where  the  books  of  the  company  may  be  kept,  and  its  financial  affairs  con- 


404 


SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE   BENS 


ducted.  There  may  also  be  established  by  direction  of  the  board  of  trustees,  if  they  shall 
deem  it  expedient  for  the  interests  of  the  company,  branch  offices  in  the  cities  of  Chicago  and 
Baltimore,  where  certificates  of  stock  may  be  transferred,  and  any  necessary  business  of  the 
company  transacted. 

This  company  owns  one  of  the  largest  stock  ranges  in  the  State  of  Colorado.  It  lies 
between  the  Huerfano  and  Apishipa  Rivers  in  Southern  Colorado,  and  comprises  over  four 
hundred  thousand  acres.  The  river  frontage  is  more  than  one  hundred  miles;  the  central 
portion  of  the  range  being  interspersed  with  living  springs  and  lakes. 

The  company  derives  its  title  to  four  hundred  thousand  acres  from  the  grantees  of  the 
Las  Animas  Grant,  a  grant  made  December  9,  1843,  by  Manuel  Armiso,  Governor  of  Mex- 


BIGLER   MAKING   A   SPEECH. 


ico,  to  Cornelio  Vigil  and  Ceran  St.  Vrain,  which  grant  was  fully  ratified  under  and  by  the 
treaty  of  Gaudaloupe  Hidalgo,  in  1848,  between  the  United  States  and  Mexico,  The  entire 
grant  amounted  to  about  four  million  acres  of  the  finest  grazing  land  in  the  world. 

The  company  also  owns  fourteen  thousand  acres  under  government  patent  and  pre- 
emption, which  controls  vast  water  privileges.  The  lakes  upon  this  land  are  inexhaustible 
and  never  become  frozen  to  any  extent  during  the  winter  months.  These  lakes  flow  into- 
deep,  grassy  canyons,  which  average  five  hundred  feet  in  width  and  have  natural  sandstone 
walls  thirty  to  fifty  feet  high,  affording  an  absolute  shelter  to  stock. 

This  range  has  a  very  heavy  growth  of  grass,  blue  joint,  buffalo  and  gramma,  and  is 
ample  for  the  support  of  at  least  forty  thousand  head  of  cattle.  It  has  all  the  necessary  im- 
provements, such  as  corrals,  buildings,  branding  pens,  water  tanks,  etc.  It  has  a  good,  sub- 


EXPERIENCE   WITH    HYPOCRITES.  405 

stantial  fence  —  cedar  posts  and  barbed  wire,  forty  miles  in  length,  connecting  with  the  head 
of  Apishipa  caayon  on  the  north,  and  Spring  canyon  on  the  south,  and  inclosing  with  the  deep 
canyons,  about  two  hundred  thousand  acres.  Waterways  are  cut,  at  intervals,  down  the 
banks  of  the  canyons  and  Apishipa  River,  on  the  side  next  to  the  inclosure.  Alfalfa  fields 
are  grown  at  different  points  upon  the  range,  one  field  of  two  thousand  acres,  closely  fenced, 
now  yielding  not  less  than  three  tons  per  acre.  Groves  of  cedar  and  pinon,  under  which  is 
a  heavy  growth  of  grass,  are  scattered  over  this  vast  range,  and  afford  shelter  from  the  sum- 
mer sun  and  the  winter  winds. 

The  St.  Vrain  Land  and  Irrigation  Company  is  constructing  a  sixty-foot  canal  across 
this  range,  which  will  afford  at  all  seasons  an  abundant  supply  of  pure  mountain  water.  The 
bank  of  the  canal  next  to  the  range  will  be  left  open  to  the  company's  cattle  under  an  ar- 
rangement made  with  the  said  St.  Vrain  Company.  The  company.  will  also  be  able  to  irri- 
gate from  this  ditch  or  canal  a  large  amount  of  its  land,  which  can  then  be  cultivated  to 
great  advantage  and  benefit. 

The  following  is  a  correct  statement  of  the  property  now  owned  by  the  Colorado  Cattle 
Company,  together  with  the  cost  of  the  same: 

STATEMENT. 
400,000  acres  of  grazing  land,  part  of  the  Las  Animas  Grant,  at 

25  cents  .......................................  .....  .-  $100,000 

14,000  acres  Government   Patent  and  Pre-emption,  together  with 

cost  of  implements,  improvements,  fences,  water  rights,  etc.  .     69,000 
4,480  cows,  3  years  old   and  over,    improved  ;  200  bulls,  Short  - 

horn,   a  few  bloods  ;  938  steers,    mixed,  3  years  and  over; 

523  heifers,  yearlings,  2  years  old  Spring  '87  ..............    icjo.cbc 

67  horses,  not  including  17  colts  ..............................      4.2OC 


Total  cost  to 


date  ................................  $369.2&> 


RECEIPTS. 


From  sale  of  3.75O  shares  of  stock  at  $100 

From  sale  of  97  8  steers  and  1  12  fat  N.  C.  cows,  net 


Total  receipts 

DISBURSEMENTS. 

Commissions,   added  to  cost   of  cattle,  expenses  paid   in  full  to 
Nov.  i ,  '86 

Ranfe ,!!.'  196,080 

Cattle 4200 

Horses "  ' ] ^75,665 

Total  disbursements  

Balance *  <3'745 

CAPITAL. 

Total  number  shares,  10,000,  par  value,  $100 |i,o». °££ 

Number  shares  sold,  3, 750  for ' 

$     62^  ooo 

Remaining  in  treasury,  6,250,  value 43,745 

Cash  in  treasury 

Capital  stock  and  cash  on  hand $    668,745 


406  SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

TAXES. 

There  are  no  taxes  levied  upon  the  Mexican  grant  land.  The  tax  on  Government  pat- 
ents is  merely  nominal.  Very  light  on  cattle,  average  about  25  cents  per  head.  The  tax  for 
this  year  will  be  payable  January  ist,  to  May  1st,  1887. 

CATTLE. 

Cows,  3  years  old  and  over,  improved. .4,347 

Bulls,  mostly  Short- horn,  a  few  high  bred ., 200 

Calves,  1886  crop,   heifers  improved .2,213 

i8S6  crop  steers,  improved , ,  . .  .1,874 

Heifers  2  years  old  in  Spring  1887,  grade 523 

Total  number  owned  by  Company  January    i,  1887 9,157 

January  i,  1887. 

It  needs  no  comments  to  show  the  hypocrisy  of  this  swindling 
scheme,  as  it  carries  on  the  face  of  it,  the  same  as  hundreds  of  other 
similar  schemes,  hypocrisy. 

After  breakfast  I  went  over  to  the  bank  to  find  what  they  wanted 
me  to  hurry  home  for.  Mr.  Brown  took  me  into  his  private  office, 
and  showed  me  a  note  for  $1,000,  signed  by  me,  and  said,  "  Mr. 
Morgan,  did  you  sign  that  note  ?" 

I  said,  "  No,  1  never  signed  a  note  in  my  life." 

"  Well,"  said  he,  "  I  didn't  believe  you  did.  Will  you  please  write 
your  name  on  this  piece  of  paper,  so  I  can  compare  it?"  I  did  so 
and  when  he  compared  it  he  said,  "  I  am  now  fully  satisfied  that  it  is  a 
forgery,  and  think  there  will  be  no  trouble  whatever  in  satisfying 
the  court  of  that  fact."  Then  he  went  on  and  told  me  how  George 
Waddles  had  been  sued  by  twenty  different  farmers  for  various 
amounts  they  proved  in  court  he  had  swindled  them  out  of,  and  how 
he  had  got  his  criminal  case  and  all  the  other  cases  continued  to  the 
next  term  of  court ;  how  he  had  come  to  them  and  turned  in  several 
notes  (this  among  the  rest),  and  mortgage  on  his  farm,  as  collateral 
security  for  money  they  loaned  him  for  the  purpose  of  settling  these 
cases  of  the  farmers,  and  not  let  them  come  to  trial ;  and  how  they 
had  gone  on  his  bail,  so  he  could  be  let  out  of  jail;  how  he  had 
skipped  to  parts  unknown  since  then,  and  how  they  would  be  heavy 
losers,  if  the  notes  was  all  forged,  which  they  feared  was  the  case. 

He  said  they  had  found  out  he  had  not  paid  any  of  these  claims, 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  407 

but  had  taken  all  the  money  they  had  loaned  him,  and,  said  he,  "  We 
want  to  know  what  to  do  before  court  meets.  We  have  every  con- 
fidence in  you,  and  for  your  sake  as  well  as  ours,  we  felt  that  you 
must  be  here  before  the  time  court  was  called." 

I  was  dumbfounded,  for,  although  I  was  satisfied  he  was  a  big 
hypocrite,  I  didn't  think  he  was  such  an  awful  big  rascal.  They 
have  got  a  detective  on  his  track,  and  they  may  catch  him.  I  had 
just  left  the  bank,  when  I  met  Tom  Conners,  the  lawyer  that  I  helped 
elect  to  the  Legislature.  Said  he,  "  Mr.  Morgan,  I  am  glad  to  see 
you  back  again.  I  would  like  to  see  you  in  my  office  a  minute."  I 
went  with  him.  Said  he,  "  I  have  just  received  a  letter  from  San 
Francisco  ;  I'll  read  it  to  you."  He  read  as  follows,  to-wit : 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  CAL.,  Jan.  25,  1887. 
MR.  THOMAS  CONKERS: 

Dear  Sir — Inclosed  you  will  find  a  note  for  $2,000,  given  me  by  one  Benjamin  Morgan, 
of  your  place.  Will  you  proceed  to  collect  the  same,  and  forward  the  amount,  less  your  fees, 
to  me  as  soon  as  collected  ?  Very  respectfully  yours, 

CHARLES  SKIPEM. 

.  The  following,  to-wit,  was  the  note  : 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  CAL.,  Dec.  24,  1886. 

For  the  sum  of  ($2,000)  two  thousand  dollars,  received  of  the  firm  of  Ketchem,  Holdem 
&  Skinem,  by  the  hand  of  their  agent,  Chas.  Skipem,  for  expenses  while  in  California,  the 
receipt  of  which  I  hereby  acknowledge,  1  promise  to  pay  two  thousand  dollars  and  interest 
at  the  rate  of  ten  per  cent,  per  annum,  on  demand. 

BENJAMIN  MORGAN. 

"  Now,  Mr.  Morgan,  is  that  correct?" 

.  I  was  never  so  surprised  in  my  whole  life,  and  in  my  excitement  I 
come  mighty  nigh  swearing,  when  I  stood  right  up  like  one  of  them 
big  trees,  and  said,  "  It's  a  goll-dumb  lie.  I  never  borrowed  a  cent 
fronTem,  but  the  goll-dumb  hypocrites  owe  me  more'n  two  hun- 
dred dollars  now,  and,  by  thunder,  I'll  have  every  goll-dumb  one  of 
'em  put  in  prison,  if  I  can." 

'•  Hold  on  a  minute,  Mr.  Morgan ;  look  at  the  signature  and 
me  whether  or  not  you  wrote  it  yourself?" 

1  looked  at  it  closely,  and  said  I  thought  I  did,  for  it  looked  like 


408  SHAMS;    OR,    UNCLE   BEN'S 

my  writing.  Just  then  I  thought  of  the  receipt  I  signed  for  the  two 
hundred  dollars.  I  also  remembered  signing  it  in  a  hurry,  and  not 
reading  it  over  carefully,  and  I  related  the  whole  circumstance  of  our 
visit  to  the  office  of  Dodgem,  Skipem  &  Oppenheimer,  and  said  I, 
"  Clarissa  was  with  me  every  minute  1  was  in  that  city.  I  didn't  go 
anywhere  without  her,  and  she  paid  close  attention  to  everything 
that  was  done  in  that  office,  and  I'll  go  right  over  to  Eb's  and  bring 
her  over  here,  and  you  ask  her  all  about  it." 

"  Very  well,  Mr.  Morgan,"  he  said.  I  went  across  the  street 
and  up  to  Eb's  store  on  a  run,  and  took  Clarissa  back  with  me  in 
less  than  five  minutes.  She  told  Mr.  Conners  everything  connected 
with  it,  just  as  I  had. 

Said  Mr.  Conners,  "  You  will  swear  to  this,  will  you  ?" 

"  Yes,"  she  replied. 

"  You'll  swear  to  this,  will  you,  Mr.  Morgan?"  said  he. 

"  Well,"  said  I,  "  although  it's  agin  my  principles  to  swear,  but 
on  this  occasion  I'll  swear  a  blue  streak"  and  I  commenced  with 
geewhilliker  dam — when  Conners  said,  "  Uncle  Ben,  hold  on  !  hold 
on!  That  haint  what  I  mean."  (I  did  know  what  he  meant,  but  I 
felt  just  like  swearing,  and  I  wanted  to  swear.)  "  I  know  you  so  well, 
and  everybody  knows  you  so  well,  that  if  you  say  a  thing  is  so,  I 
believe  it,  and  now  what  you  say  is  fully  corroborated  by  your  wife's 
statement.  I  see  that  it  is  a  scheme  to  swindle  you.  They  have 
converted  the  receipt  you  gave  'em  for  two  hundred  dollars  into  a 
note  for  $2,000.  You  needn't  give  yourself  a  particle  of  uneas- 
iness about  it,  but  just  leave  it  to  me  and  I'll  see  them  inside  of  a 
penitentiary,  and  if  they  are  worth  it,  you'll  get  all  the  money  back 
on  their  advertised  agreement  that  you  have  paid  out.  Had  it  not 
been  that  your  wife  was  present,  and  is  a  witness  that  can  beat  'em 
in  any  court  in  the  United  States,  you  might  be  caused  a  great  deal 
of  trouble,  but  she  will  save  you  from  any  trouble  in  the  case." 

I  again  felt  she  was  my  garden  angel,  and  every  day  she  be- 
comes more  gardener  to  me,  and  I  feel  every  day  the  value  of  a  good 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  409 

wife.     God  bless  the  wives !  for  they  prove  a  blessing  to  many  a 
poor  man. 

As  we  was  riding  home  with  Abe  and  the  old  mare,  and  just 
as  we  was  passing  old  Smugginses  house,  Sarah  run  out  to  the  gate 
to  speak  to  us.  She  was  dressed  up  in  her  best,  and  she  tried  to 
look  sweet.  After  talking  with  her  a  tew  minutes,  we  drove  on. 
Clarissa  said,  "  Well,  Benjamin,  I'm  glad  to  get  home  again,  and  I 


;^o  o 


SARAH    SMUGGINS. 

shall  be  contented  to  stay  here  the  remainder  of  my  days,  for,  after 
seeing  so  much  ot  the  world,  so  much  grandeur,  and  style  in  high  HI 
in  the  large  cities  and  centers  of  business  and  fashion,  the  old  home, 
with  its  plain  and  unpretentious  air,  surrounded  by  the  old  orchard, 
and  withal  so  quiet,  seems  like  a  paradise,  and  I  can  join  the  pot 
his  description  of 


4io  SHAMS;  OR,  UNCLE  BEN'S 

THE'  OLD-FASHIONED   HOME. 

"  Of  ail  the  tender  and  comfortable  things 
That  now  and  then  sweet  memory  brings. 
There's  nothing  dearer  that  love  recalls 
Than  the  old-fashioned  house  with  its  whitewashed  walls. 

"  Not  a  mansion  to-day,  though  a  marvel  of  art 
Can  ever  usurp  its  place  in  my  heart, 
For  there  my  earliest  prayers  were  said, 
And  I  slept  at  night  in  a  trundle  bed. 

"  'Neath  coverlids  reaching  from  feet  to  chin, 
By  a  mother's  hand  tucked  gently  in, 
And  a  good-night  kiss  on  my  tired  brow — 
Oh,  earth  holds  no  such  blessings  now. 

"  A  garden  was  fragrant  in  flower-beds, 
Where  marigolds  lifted  their  velvet  heads, 
And  warmed  by  sunshine,  refreshed  by  dew, 
The  bachelor-button  and  touch-me-not  grew. 

"  In  a  river  that  curved  like  a  shepherd's  crook 
We  fished  for  minnows  with  a  bent  pin-hook, 
Or  with  little  bare  feet  oft  waded  through, 
And  bravely  '  paddled  our  own  canoe.' 

'"Twas  a  home  of  welcome,  no  one  could  doubt, 
Whose  latchstring  hung  inevitably  out, 
And  many  a  stranger  supped  at  its  board, 
While  blazing  logs  in  the  chimney  roared. 

"  Oh,  this  is  an  age  of  reform  and  change  ! 
And  things  aesthetic,  modern  and  strange — 
Improvements  that  savor  of  silver  and  gold 
Are  superseding  the  cherished  and  old. 

"  But  I  turn  from  palaces  built  for  show  ! 
With  mansard  roof  and  stories  below  ; 
Of  frescoed,  kalsomined,  dadoed  halls, 
To  the  old-fashioned  house  with  its  whitewashed  walls." 

Again  we  are  seated  in  our  own  big  square  room,  well-lighted 
by  the  hanging  lamp.  Abe  is  snoring  on  the  lounge  ;  the  old  dog 
is  stretched  out  in  the  corner  behind  the  stove,  and  the  cat  is  curled 
up  on  the  rug  under  the  stove-hearth,  purring  her  evening  song  to 
feline  notes,  and  everything  is  peaceful  and  quiet.  Clarissa  says,  in 


EXPERIENCE   WITH   HYPOCRITES.  4I, 

her  old-fashioned  way,  «  Benjamin,  it  seems  just  as  though  we  had 
left  a  heaven,  and  taken  a  trip  through  the  noisy  world  below,  where 
hypocrisy  seems  to  be  superior  to  plain,  simple  honesty,  and  re- 
turned  again  to  heaven  ;  it  is  so  quiet  here." 

"  That  is  just  the  way  it  strikes  me;  but  we  had  a  good  time, 
after  all,  and  learned  an  awful  sight  of  human  nature,  a  knowledge  of 
which  we  did  not  possess  to  any  great  degree  before  we  went." 

"  Well,"  said  she,  "  that  is  so  ;  but,  after  all,  human  nature  is  hu- 
man nature  the  world  over,  whether  on  the  quiet  New  York  farm,  or 
in  the  busy  cities;  whether  digging  potatoes  in  Blank  County,  or  dig-1 
ging  gold  and  silver  in  the  old  Rockies ;  whether  attending  meeting  in 
the  Corners'  school  house,  clad  in  plain  calico,  or  sitting  in  cushioned 
chairs  in  the  great  halls  and  churches  in  the  city,  dressed  in  silks  and 
ornamented  with  diamonds  and  bits  of  sparkling  glass ;  whether  in 
our  lyceums  at  the  schoolhouse,  or  in  the  great  dramas  on  the  stage 
of  the  cities'  splendid  theaters— the  feelings  and  passions  of  the  hu- 
man heart  are  alike  manifested  in  daily  life.  The  unscrupulous  are 
continually  inventing  new  schemes  to  cover  up  their  real  natures 
and  keep  the  public  from  understanding  their  true  characters,  while 
the  careless  drift  into  channels  of  deception,  and  in  time  become 
stereotyped  into  the  habit  of  presenting  a  false  self.  A  few — and 
what  a  GLORIOUS  few! — are  honest  by  birth,  by  training  and  edu- 
cation, and  how  they  tower  above  the  hypocrites  that  surround 
them !  How  Mr.  So-and-so,  in  this  village  and  that,  in  this  city  and 
that,  on  this  farm  and  in  that  manufactory,  occupying  this  pulpit 
and  sitting  on  that  judicial  bench — stands  out  prominently,  and  is 
admired  by  all,  from  the  simple  fact  that  his  word  is  as  good  as  his 
note ;  that  in  every  act  of  his  life  he  is  frank,  truthful  and  honest. 
The  Almighty  seems  to  be  his  guide  and  governor.  It  matters  not 
if  his  education  is  deficient,  or  he  lacks  the  polish  that  rules  of  so- 
ciety require  for  a  gentleman.  Though  he  be  a  diamond  in  the  rough, 
still  he  is  a  gem  of  greatest  value  to  the  world.  The  polish  that 
education  and  contact  with  the  world  will  add,  will  cause  him  to 


412  SHAMS;   OR,    UNCLE    BEX'S 

sparkle  and  appear  more  brilliant,  but  it  is  not  the  education  nor 
polish  that  gives  him  value,  or  singles  him  out  from  his  fellows,  but 
because  his  heart  and  head  are  right  and  true  all  the  way  through, 
but  he  has  got  to  have  that  trait  born  in  him." 

Clarissa  got  into  one  of  her  regular  talking  spells,  and  I  said  to 
her,  in  a  sort  of  mellow  tone,  a  little  on  the  dulcet  stop,  "  Clarissa; 
now,  do — please  do." 

"  Please  do  what?"  she  replied. 

"  Please  let  up — please  shut  down  a  little." 

"  What  do  you  mean,  Benjamin  ?"  she  asked. 

"I  mean  to  say  that  this  is  my  first  book,  and  you  wondered 
who'd  '  be  fool  enough  to  read  it.'  Now,  if  you  don't  let  up  on  this 
continual  philosophizing,  and  telling  what  you  think,  it  will  kill  it, 
and  if  ever  I  should  write  another,  1  couldn't  hire  a  fool  to  read  it. 
Now,  let's  sing  the  doxology  to  close  your  remarks,  and  let  me  just 
tell  the  dear  people,  and  men  and  women  in  general,  in  closing 
this  volume,  what  I  think.  I  think  that  MAN  is,  after  all,  partly  a 
product  of  climate  and  soil.  It  is  not  true  that  man  is  the  crowning 
glory  of  God's  creation,  for  it  depends  upon  where  he  is  located, 
and  his  surroundings,  as  to  the  position  he  occupies  in  the  scale  of 
Glory — in  Creation.  You  go  into  parts  of  Africa,  where  the  palm 
and  bread  fruit  tree  flourish,  and  man  sinks  to  the  level  of  other 
brutes  that  feed  upon  the  bread  fruit  and  sleep  under  the  shade  of 
the  palm.  There,  these  trees  are  the  crowning  Glory  of  Creation. 
Certain  impulses  lead  man  in  certain  directions.  Surroundings,  cli- 
matic and  scenic,  have  very  much  to  do  in  establishing  his  tastes  and 
inclinations,  while  his  social  surroundings  direct  his  mental  habit. 
Education — broad,  liberal  and  thorough — causes  the  mental  to  rise 
in  power  above  the  animal,  while  idleness  and  neglect  give  the  ani- 
mal supremacy  over  the  mental.  Neglected  fields  return  the  farmer 
naught  but  weeds,  while  cultivation  brings  him  rich  grains  and 
grassy  meads.  So,  with  the  heart,  the  bond  of  man's  mental  and 
animal  dispositions,  if  rightly  directed,  yields  the  results  of  Honesty 
—if  wrongly,  Hypocrisy." 


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